I just found out that I was the OTHER WOMAN...

[naturalmanenyc]

This is so true. I only know of one other story like this, friend of a good friend, and she only found out AFTER the guy got married. In fact, he still came to see her after the honeymoon and she had to ask him if he got married the week prior (island vacation) since she heard from mutual friends who attended.erplexed

It really makes you wonder what kind of friends/family members would keep something like that a secret for years on end. Or maybe they assume the women know & are okay with it?

Not in this case obviously since OP is friends with the sister - but in general I wonder why so many people are complicit in these things?

TG - I just wanted to come in and let you know that you are not alone. Thank you for sharing your story, you are brave for doing so - many of us don't have the courage to be so open.

I know from experience that your friends and family will be as supportive and encouraging as they were before. Don't be embarassed. He played a good game and his family went along with it. Just be glad you found out before they got married. That would be a tremendous burden to carry.

 

[nubiennze]

IMO the last thing you should be is embarrassed. From where I stand it looks like this guy took the easy route: the woman who agreed to let him live in, the woman who knowingly and willingly allowed him to step out with another woman, the woman who readily took him back even after this whole mess unfolded. If anything you should be proud of having scruples and not being the type of woman to let unchecked emotion lead you into what could have been a far worse situation.

Now is a great time to reflect on what God has brought--and spared--you from. I'm a firm believer in Rom. 8:28 ("And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose"), and if you look back, I'm sure you can remember other situations in which you felt helpless and saw no way out but things worked out somehow. Years from now, there's no telling where that woman will be (though if the past is any indication, she'll probably still be going through what you just left); you, however, have an entire world of opportunity in front of you. Enjoy being the best mother and woman of God you possibly can be; a man worthy of your time and emotions will see that and act accordingly.

 

[Murjani]

Im sorry that you are going through this. I have no words, it amazes me that people can walk around this earth living a lie

Is this the same guy that was in the emergency room and you couldn't contact him???

 

[song_of_serenity]

Im sorry that you are going through this. I have no words, it amazes me that people can walk around this earth living a lie

Is this the same guy that was in the emergency room and you couldn't contact him???

Oh yes, I remember that!! He said he was in the emergency room and didn't answer! And did it before, too! I see now that he found MANY ways to keep his double life going!
ETA
See now, I know I wasn't coo coo! OP, KayKay was right, you posted about your S.O and being jealous of his daughter and also about his ex wife probably wanting him back? Is this a new relationship or did you break up and get back together? Just a bit confused!
http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showpost.php?p=7475561&postcount=232

In any event...please just take care of yourself!

 

[MissJ]

His sister just texted me asking if I were ok..... I am not going to respond. I haven't heard from anyone else though.

She knew. Are you going to cuss her out?

 

[MissJ]

I hate to say it but his sister had to have known this was going on all along. But to be truthful I'm sure she felt that she was put into a difficult situation which it seems men are always good at doing. I would cut her off for now until you gather your bearings but don't be mad at her because like someone stated she would probably get told off for telling you his business eventhough he's in the wrong. But if I were you, I would be grateful not to be married into this family because that mess says a lot about them right there.

If you decide to talk to her because apparently she may already know what's going on then I would tell her and ask her did she know but don't expect her to be honest. Let her silence speak for itself. Let us know how it went.

I think you're cutting the sister too much slack. It's one thing to know about a secret. It's another to know the secret, keep it from tallglass all the while grinning in tallglass' face. I couldn't do it. I, too, have been in a similar situation, although I was the main girl.

 

[longhairlover]

oh my, op i'm sooooo sorry, i've been hurt plenty of times in the past so I know what your going through.
he's a real nasty, selfish person. and the woman that's still with him is a fool, he's obviously a cheater and will cheat again given the opportunity.

you invested alot of years in this so it will take time to heal, but as with anything you WILL heal. again i'm very sorry this happened to you.

 

[NessaNessa]

Thanks ladies,
Your words are too kind. I am at work and I am literally fighting back tears! I think I'm going home. I'm typically not the emotional type (I hate for people to see me cry) but I am just devastated. I wasted some good years on this relationship. I would never get those back. I'm in my 30's and I hate the dating scene. I just might end up alone and lonely. It takes me a long time to finally fall for someone. I feel like I am not worth anything. My daughter needs her mom to be available 100%, but right now I am mentally and emotionally checked out. The past couple of days, the drive home has been my time to cry because I don't want her to see me like this. How could he do this to me?

I'm embarrassed. How can I face my family and friends and tell them about this situation. Everyone just knew this was going to be the year he proposed. I'm so hurt.....

I wanted so much for my daughter to see how a relationship is nurtured. I wanted her to see how a man is suppose to treat a women. I wanted her to see a healthy relationship so that she will know what to expect when she is dating. He was so involved with her life! Her dad is not around and this dude stepped in and took a responsible approach to show her that she is apart of this relationship too, I hate him so much for doing this! I have not told her about the break up as of yet....

The bolded made me very sad. I hope you get thru this quickly and unscathed. There are many here who will lend an ear (pm) if you need it. PLease stay strong. We have all been thru trying times. Hugs and kisses to you. -NessaNessa

 

[NessaNessa]

Lawd. I'm still reading this thread and I swear it just hurts my heart.

I left my fiance several years ago and have since been blessed beyond measure. Believe me, you will get over this!! Take the time you need to cry and mutter the 'Why me's' You will get over this.

(((Hugs Mami)))

 

[silenttullip]

Okay for starters the don't text me anymore message probably was the gf not him. Secondly it isn't your fault and you deserve better, look on the bright side he motivated you to whip your money and ebt into shape.

 

[NessaNessa]

Was your dude a doc as well? Something about men being on damn call...they can get away with murder!

But seriously, you will heal and you will be made whole. Take the time necessary to move beyond it, do whats necessary - but know that this isn't an indication of who you are nor is it an assessment of your worth.

If you need to chat, plz feel free to hit me up

Are all Drs. like this? The one I dated attempted to date me and a girl I knew from the gym!!

I called him out on it and havent talked to him since. To this day he tries to befriend me on FB after having been denied SEVERAL times. Initailly, He told me loved me. Now he says he wants me, he loves me, and he wants me and needs me....all thru FB I laughed in his face and told him gonna tell his MaMa

 

[WhipEffectz1]

Talk about making someone want to Snap. He better be glad you're not that type of woman.

 

[princessnad]

How does this post from 4/2/09 come into play?

I am jealous of my SO relationship with his daughter.

I am jealous of his ex-wife bc of the history they have behind them. They grew up together. His mom and her mom were BFF. They have pics of them going to first grade together! She even kept the "Will you be my girlfriend? Check Y or N." Letter.

I HATE HER!

 

[Poohbear]

How does this post from 4/2/09 come into play?

...And this post from 10/27/2008?:

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=298027&highlight=

What do you ladies think about men who prefer texting over voice communication?

My SO and I got into and argument this weekend and we have been sending verbal assaults via text msg. ever since! I decided to pick up the phone and call. He ingnored my call and texted me saying he currently does not want to talk to me. He is such an a**hole! I am so tired of him hiding behind text msg. The argument was about text msg! He got mad at me for saying that communicating via text msg is for teenage love affairs not adult relationships. I continued to say grown men don't text arrangements for a date. Was I wrong?

....And this post from 6/16/2009?:

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showpost.php?p=8046381&postcount=1

Ladies, I am writing this with no sleep within the last 24 hours
I have been in a relationship with my SO for almost two years and from the beginning he told me about his high blood pressure and heart disease. I was sympathetic for him and did everything possible to help him maintain his health. Recently we have been fighting a lot and I am getting feed up! I went this entire weekend and didn't call him (he didn't call me either)

So yesterday I get a phone call from him telling me he is in the emergency room with a major headache and elevated blood pressure. Then the phone disconnected. I called him back about 5011 times and he did not answer! His work requires him to travel and he does not get his assignments until the Sunday before the work week. Being that I did not talk to him this weekend, I have no idea what hospital to call! I tried calling a family member of his and their phone is disconnected. I have major anxiety and have not slept at all! I can't go to work! He has done this to me before when we got into a major argument!

I feel in my heart that he is ok and is just craving for my attention. One time when I threaten to leave the relationship, he started hyperventilating (sp?). I can't deal with this punkish behavior! Everytime we argue and have a disagreement, before we can resolve the issue, he will get sick. At times I still want to resolve the issue but his illness will put any discussions on the back burner. Time will go by and the wounds will still be open (on my end). I like to resolve conflict, but everytime I bring something up he will start complaining about a headache or chest pains! I don't know! I feel like I am rambling.

Am I being difficult and overreacting?

sad: These were some red flags here.

tallglass2000, your story touched me so bad that I had to do some research on the history of the relationship that you may have posted on LHCF. I am glad that you are out of this relationship. I hope you will be able to heal from this soon.

 

[Jazzmommy]

Wow.. OP...Although your heart is broken, I am so happy that you eventually found out about him before you almost walked down the aisle.. Carma honey.. Carma...

I am so devastated. ......

Background info
I was introduced to my ex-SO in 2004. We started off as friends. We would go bowling, go to live sporting events, just simply enjoying each others company. We offically became a couple in 2006. He told me he was in love with me and wanted to start a life with me. We started preparing for a future together by getting our finances in order, paying off debt, and saving money. We decided against living with each other because I believed the only man I should live with is my husband. He understood that and purchased a condo nearby.

As the years progress, we have both save up a substantial amount of money(seperate accounts) and paid off major debt. Monthly, we would go over the statements. We were really progressing well with our plan. We talked marriage, kids and everything. I was the happiest I'd ever been in my life....

Fast forward to last week.....
So I get a text message regarding my ex-SO. The unidentified person texted, "I have info regarding "SO". If you care to hear it, please call ###-####, I look forward to talking to you". I like WTH?erplexed So I called the number and it was a women who claimed that she was his live in girlfriend of 7 years!!!! She said they have been talking marriage for 6 years! So this past weekend we all got together and he admitted everything to me. The house was in the woman's name. He told her that he rented the condo out to his best friend. We were together all the time and I don't see how he could of pulled this off.

This sorry bastard started crying and apologizing to me. Telling me he never meant to hurt me. He said he just got caught up. Wtfe! He said he wanted to stay with the other women. He has more invested there. I'm sure there were some red flags but I must of overlooked them. Now I'm depressed, I hate for my child to see me like this. I can't eat, can't sleep, can't think....can't do anything!

I haven't heard from him until this morning. He texted saying "Please don't contact me anymore...I plan to do right by my girlfriend....sorry again". WTF..... my heart stopped. I can't believe this fool! That is exactly how men end up on "SNAPPED" Sorry SOB!!!! I'm pissed!!!

 

[Xavier]

The LHCF detectives, you guys never miss a beat.

 

[DaPPeR]

My goodness. My heart hurts for u.I know the feeling as I have been in a similar situation. This too shall past. TRUST! ((((HUGS))))

 

[SaNyjh]

I am so devastated. ......

Background info
I was introduced to my ex-SO in 2004. We started off as friends. We would go bowling, go to live sporting events, just simply enjoying each others company. We offically became a couple in 2006. He told me he was in love with me and wanted to start a life with me. We started preparing for a future together by getting our finances in order, paying off debt, and saving money. We decided against living with each other because I believed the only man I should live with is my husband. He understood that and purchased a condo nearby.

As the years progress, we have both save up a substantial amount of money(seperate accounts) and paid off major debt. Monthly, we would go over the statements. We were really progressing well with our plan. We talked marriage, kids and everything. I was the happiest I'd ever been in my life....

Fast forward to last week.....
So I get a text message regarding my ex-SO. The unidentified person texted, "I have info regarding "SO". If you care to hear it, please call ###-####, I look forward to talking to you". I like WTH?erplexed So I called the number and it was a women who claimed that she was his live in girlfriend of 7 years!!!! She said they have been talking marriage for 6 years! So this past weekend we all got together and he admitted everything to me. The house was in the woman's name. He told her that he rented the condo out to his best friend. We were together all the time and I don't see how he could of pulled this off.

This sorry bastard started crying and apologizing to me. Telling me he never meant to hurt me. He said he just got caught up. Wtfe! He said he wanted to stay with the other women. He has more invested there. I'm sure there were some red flags but I must of overlooked them. Now I'm depressed, I hate for my child to see me like this. I can't eat, can't sleep, can't think....can't do anything!

I haven't heard from him until this morning. He texted saying "Please don't contact me anymore...I plan to do right by my girlfriend....sorry again". WTF..... my heart stopped. I can't believe this fool! That is exactly how men end up on "SNAPPED" Sorry SOB!!!! I'm pissed!!!

I have had to ask myself this same question. I know people who do this type of cheating have to be exhausted, physically and mentally. Good luck to you.

 

[yokoyokogirl]

Think of her calling you as a "blessing in disguise"---I believe that a higher power of some sort was looking out for u. Be glad he only hurt your heart, not given you some VD or worse, cause your heart can always heal---some diseases u are stuck with for life.

Sending hugs...cause I know it is hard!

 

[mEmYSELFaNDj]

Wow. All that time invested, I know you are devastated. See stories like this are the reason why women have such a hard time putting their guards down to let love come in.

 

[wavezncurlz]

Sometimes there aren't any overt red-flags. What do you do when he appears to live alone and/or with a male roommate? wears no wedding ring and has no tell-tell signs of one? comes and goes as he pleases? Answers your calls, be that 7am, 7pm, or 1am? Introduces you to family & friends...meets your fam & friends? Passes all the cursory background checks

It's happened to me and it's happened to one of my dear friends. I can honestly say that sometimes you just don't know until u know

This happened to me before I got married and was on the dating scene. The worst part about it was the family and friends. They were in on it too.

OP, just remember, this too will pass. I am 40, married, and have two little ones. This happened to me in my mid 30's and I have recovered. It's never too late. Keep your head up!

 

[ChasingBliss]

This happened to me before I got married and was on the dating scene. The worst part about it was the family and friends. They were in on it too.

OP, just remember, this too will pass. I am 40, married, and have two little ones. This happened to me in my mid 30's and I have recovered. It's never too late. Keep your head up!

It amazes me how common this is

 

[ChasingBliss]

Think of her calling you as a "blessing in disguise"---I believe that a higher power of some sort was looking out for u. Be glad he only hurt your heart, not given you some VD or worse, cause your heart can always heal---some diseases u are stuck with for life.

Sending hugs...cause I know it is hard!

I was reading somewhere that we must find the blessing in any bad situation. Whether it's the lesson or the warning to get out. The key is taking heed.

 

[TCatt86]

His sister just texted me asking if I were ok..... I am not going to respond. I haven't heard from anyone else though.

You shouldn't respond, but I will happily cuss that chick out. She knew the deal and NOW she is concerned about you? Maaaaannnnnnn.

OP I am so sorry to hear this. You do what you need to do and stay strong for your daughter, there will be many nights where you will cry yourself to sleep but that's a part of the process. Now is the time to rely on your family and God, I've found that my relationship with God and my family grew strong after a break up. Chin up!!!! And I'm serious about cussing his sister out. I can't stand families/friends that don't say anything. I hate the whole not getting into someone else's business bull. If you don't want me to meddle in your business keep your ish private and away from me, because I will tell and I will tell it all.

 

[brownelovely]

OP you'll start feeling better in a week or two as you start to remember that you were the lucky one in this situation. If the other woman decides she wants to stay it's only because she feel's that she won by him choosing to stay with her. Reality is, she didn't...what type of man carries on two relationships for years and now decides he wants to change AFTER being caught?

What he did speaks volumes of his character. I read the investigative report PoohBear posted and I can see some of his actions were questionable but nothing clear cut. I wonder how the GF found out?

At least you can heal and move on from here. And to think, he had the nerve to text you to leave him alone He's such a loser. He's pathetic and crazy. Be glad he didn't "choose" you...I'm sure you wouldn't have let him but for him to think he's worth having is enough to classify him as crazy anyhow.

Good luck!

 

[mscocoface]

I am confused are there children and an exwife or are there no children and no exwife?

Your responses from previous posts that the ladies have pulled is this the same guy?

If this is the same guy the texting is a dead giveaway.

erplexed

Consider some of the warnings and even though hurtful they are lessons learned. I heard something last night and it stuck with me.

"Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn."
— C.S. Lewis

 

[TG2000]

I may have to look this up OP but I couldve sworn I saw u mention in a post earlier this year that your SO had an ex-wife and a child together with her.
I remember this vividly for at the time I was going thru a similiar situation.

Anyway, Im so sorry you are going through this, keep ur head up...

He has no kids with the girlfriend. Since that post in April, some issues came up regarding the Ex-wife and child. Apparently, the 16 y/o was never his. The ex-wife cheated on him, got preggers, and he decided to stay and raise the kid as his own.The other man was never around and he officially adopted the child. They divorce in 2000.

I asked the sister about the situation and she said that everyone accepted the child as a family memeber. They supported him and his decision to stay with the ex-wife.

 

[Supergirl]

TG,

I'm so sorry that you're hurting. But you know that it is GOOD that this all came to light. I'm sure you know this, but you don't want a man like that.

 

[TG2000]

Im sorry that you are going through this. I have no words, it amazes me that people can walk around this earth living a lie

Is this the same guy that was in the emergency room and you couldn't contact him???

Yep, this is the guy. Hindsight, that was indeed a sign.

 

[TG2000]

Oh yes, I remember that!! He said he was in the emergency room and didn't answer! And did it before, too! I see now that he found MANY ways to keep his double life going!
ETA
See now, I know I wasn't coo coo! OP, KayKay was right, you posted about your S.O and being jealous of his daughter and also about his ex wife probably wanting him back? Is this a new relationship or did you break up and get back together? Just a bit confused!
http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showpost.php?p=7475561&postcount=232

In any event...please just take care of yourself!

Same relationship.