Husband's dumb mouth

[apemay1969]

My husband has a tendency to say stupid insensitive things that he thinks are compliments - unless he's serious passive/aggressive, which I wonder about sometimes.

Anywho, considering I'm in the 30 day encouragement challenge, I was wondering if I should address it.

Scenario - yesterday - We were at American TV and he went to the bathroom. I started looking at dining sets, walking away a bit. He started coming across the showroom and looked surprised for a minute. When he got to me, he said "Dang, I didn't even know it was you. You looked hot" Now mind you, I know he didn't think it was a bad thing but how dumb can you be. I didn't act offended, I just said 'okay, I guess that's a thanks' He still didn't get it. He warned me that he was an a$$hole before we got married three years ago but I didn't believe him. I do now.

How would you respond while still remaining as poised and encouraging as possible?

 

[dlewis]

My husband says the weirdest things all the time. I remember when his sister was pregnant and in the hospital. He told her he didn't see a difference in her stomach - before pregnancy and at the end of pregnancy. And while it was true, who says stuff like that.erplexed

When he makes comments like that I say "aw honey, watch that month" My husband is truely one of the most honest people I know.

 

[metro_qt]

My husband has a tendency to say stupid insensitive things that he thinks are compliments - unless he's serious passive/aggressive, which I wonder about sometimes.

Anywho, considering I'm in the 30 day encouragement challenge, I was wondering if I should address it.

Scenario - yesterday - We were at American TV and he went to the bathroom. I started looking at dining sets, walking away a bit. He started coming across the showroom and looked surprised for a minute. When he got to me, he said "Dang, I didn't even know it was you. You looked hot" Now mind you, I know he didn't think it was a bad thing but how dumb can you be. I didn't act offended, I just said 'okay, I guess that's a thanks' He still didn't get it. He warned me that he was an a$$hole before we got married three years ago but I didn't believe him. I do now.

How would you respond while still remaining as poised and encouraging as possible?

Your post made me cringe.
I seriously don't know what i'd do..

Ok. i lie.
I do know what i would do if I were in your situation.
Let's just say world war 3 would break out everytime a retarded comment came out of his mouth.
Yeah.
I wouldn't be able to stay married to him for too long,
so Kudos to you...

 

[PapillionRouge]

Wow, so what is he trying to say YOU dont look that hot under regular circumstances???!!

I woulda been SOOOOOOO heated!

I was once dating this guy, and everywhere we went I would get stares or people would just compliment him about me.

He told me, after that he was thinking to himself and said " Hmm.. I guess u really are beautiful..."

I mean, WTF is that supposed to mean and WHo says things like that??!!

Ur husband is so lucky u ddnt let him havbe it righthen and there.. I still cant believe u didnt let him have it.
Even if he wasnt intentionally trying to be mean. He deserves to be put in CHECK!

 

[Farida]

Could be a slip of the tongue, a misplaced comment or if he does it often, either a jerk or a bad brain filter.

Sometimes FH wanted to say something and it totally came out the wrong way, but he always corrects it.

Was he like this when you were dating? Perhaps he really is a jerk then. You know him better than all of us, bad brain filter or jerk?

 

[Hairsoaper]

I actually had to read it twice because I was thinking "What? That was really sweet." Then I was like Ohhhhh, I get it. Maybe it wasn't so sweet afterall. In that scenario I probably would have smiled and said "Thanks!" It probably wouldn't have occurred to me until later that his comment implied I'm not normally hot. He probably didn't mean it like that at all. Men have a weird/dumb way of complimenting sometimes, which isn't good because we women also have a way of overanalyzing things IMO. I wouldn't stress over it too much unless it was all the time.

 

[SilentRuby]

My husband says the weirdest things all the time. I remember when his sister was pregnant and in the hospital. He told her he didn't see a difference in her stomach - before pregnancy and at the end of pregnancy. And while it was true, who says stuff like that.erplexed

When he makes comments like that I say "aw honey, what that month" My husband is truely one of the most honest people I know.

 

[heavens_epiphany]

Sit down and reflect to see if he is passive agressive. Sometimes when you are making changes for the better people tend to push your buttons. Does he know that you are trying to be supportive? My ex would say "mean" comments in a joking way..I give it to him he was funny and I would laugh too! It wasnt until later that I realized he would make those comments to tear down down my self esteem... He was a little man literally..what can I say

 

[apemay1969]

My husband says the weirdest things all the time. I remember when his sister was pregnant and in the hospital. He told her he didn't see a difference in her stomach - before pregnancy and at the end of pregnancy. And while it was true, who says stuff like that.erplexed

When he makes comments like that I say "aw honey, what that month" My husband is truely one of the most honest people I know.

My husband wouldn't have said that - he would've shuttered his face too because his face is expressive also. He would have looked thoughful and philosophical but he would be thinking 'dang, there's no difference'.

I think he knows that he says dodo head stuff like that. I think he feels comfortable with me so his brain just flows to his mouth and his true self comes out. Remember I'm trying to be positive. His 20% is pretty ding dang annoying sometimes.

 

[apemay1969]

Sit down and reflect to see if he is passive agressive. Sometimes when you are making changes for the better people tend to push your buttons. Does he know that you are trying to be supportive? My ex would say "mean" comments in a joking way..I give it to him he was funny and I would laugh too! It wasnt until later that I realized he would make those comments to tear down down my self esteem... He was a little man literally..what can I say

I know that he's a recovering control freak and he is passive aggressive. I am at a place where I am just trying to see if he's any different than 90% of men out there. I ain't trying to train nobody no more.

 

[apemay1969]

I actually had to read it twice because I was thinking "What? That was really sweet." Then I was like Ohhhhh, I get it. Maybe it wasn't so sweet afterall. In that scenario I probably would have smiled and said "Thanks!" It probably wouldn't have occurred to me until later that his comment implied I'm not normally hot. He probably didn't mean it like that at all. Men have a weird/dumb way of complimenting sometimes, which isn't good because we women also have a way of overanalyzing things IMO. I wouldn't stress over it too much unless it was all the time.

I can be slow too sometimes oo but I'm so on alert due to some 'emotional fidelity' that my insecurities are off the chain. Right now I'm just taking care of myself and trying to be more positive with my words and prayers.

I wonder if I'm in a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage. I can't tell. Sometimes things aren't worth leaving over and sometimes they are, you know.

 

[envybeauty]

nah...90% of the men out there are not like that. a lot of men know that it is better to say something nice than nothing at all. what he said was not nice.

would he have said that to his mother? (dang momma, i didn't recognize you. you don't usually look that good) i don't think so. most mothers would pop you in your mouth so we all know better.

a man will act right if he knows not to pull that mess with you.

like someone else said, kudos to you for dealing with him.

 

[apemay1969]

Your post made me cringe.
I seriously don't know what i'd do..

Ok. i lie.
I do know what i would do if I were in your situation.
Let's just say world war 3 would break out everytime a retarded comment came out of his mouth.
Yeah.
I wouldn't be able to stay married to him for too long,
so Kudos to you...

Girl, please, I've been leaving for 2 years and we've only been married for close to three. I wouldn't know a healthy relationship if they sold them at Walmart. He's an a-hole but a really compassionate special ed teacher -, caring, openminded a-hole with a plan but his insecurities are there too.

Once when I cut my locs off and had a pretty raggedy fro, he asked me if I was going out like that. Well, WWIII did start. I told him that I don't say nothing to him when he needs a haircut and goes out the house looking like a dirty Qtip. Can you say JJ on 'Good Times'?

 

[envybeauty]

I can be slow too sometimes oo but I'm so on alert due to some 'emotional fidelity' that my insecurities are off the chain. Right now I'm just taking care of myself and trying to be more positive with my words and prayers.

I wonder if I'm in a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage. I can't tell. Sometimes things aren't worth leaving over and sometimes they are, you know.

that's the problem with such abusive relationships. i was in one and stayed far too long because i did not think it was worth leaving over such stuff. i was wrong! way wrong! my happiness will not be compromised like that again.

 

[apemay1969]

nah...90% of the men out there are not like that. a lot of men know that it is better to say something nice than nothing at all. what he said was not nice.

would he have said that to his mother? (dang momma, i didn't recognize you. you don't usually look that good) i don't think so. most mothers would pop you in your mouth so we all know better.

a man will act right if he knows not to pull that mess with you.

like someone else said, kudos to you for dealing with him.

It feels uncomfortable to hear you say that. He's sitting here and I want to smack him today for yesterday.

 

[frizzy]

My husband has a tendency to say stupid insensitive things that he thinks are compliments - unless he's serious passive/aggressive, which I wonder about sometimes.

Anywho, considering I'm in the 30 day encouragement challenge, I was wondering if I should address it.

Scenario - yesterday - We were at American TV and he went to the bathroom. I started looking at dining sets, walking away a bit. He started coming across the showroom and looked surprised for a minute. When he got to me, he said "Dang, I didn't even know it was you. You looked hot" Now mind you, I know he didn't think it was a bad thing but how dumb can you be. I didn't act offended, I just said 'okay, I guess that's a thanks' He still didn't get it. He warned me that he was an a$$hole before we got married three years ago but I didn't believe him. I do now.

How would you respond while still remaining as poised and encouraging as possible?

I woulda said "Yea, I get (hear) that a lot" without even looking at him.

 

[jrae]

Based on your first post, I was gonna say that sometimes we get very used to our mate and take their looks for granted... like he forgot that you were hot... During my separation from DH, sometimes he would walk in a room and I would see him from far away and I'd be like... Then I'd spend more time with him and I'd be

Anyway... based on the rest of your posts... I'm concerned for you. If you're wondering if you're in an abusive relationship...

 

[somethingdifferent]

My husband has a tendency to say stupid insensitive things that he thinks are compliments - unless he's serious passive/aggressive, which I wonder about sometimes.

Anywho, considering I'm in the 30 day encouragement challenge, I was wondering if I should address it.

Scenario - yesterday - We were at American TV and he went to the bathroom. I started looking at dining sets, walking away a bit. He started coming across the showroom and looked surprised for a minute. When he got to me, he said "Dang, I didn't even know it was you. You looked hot" Now mind you, I know he didn't think it was a bad thing but how dumb can you be. I didn't act offended, I just said 'okay, I guess that's a thanks' He still didn't get it. He warned me that he was an a$$hole before we got married three years ago but I didn't believe him. I do now.

How would you respond while still remaining as poised and encouraging as possible?

My concern would be if he made comments like that on a regular. I have seen my sister's self-esteem slowly wither away due to her relationship with a man who continually makes comments like that.

So I would definitely address it and tell him your thoughts. I would simply let him know how his comments made me feel.

 

[Nola Darling]

Once my SO told me that he forgot how pretty I was and that looks stopped mattering after a while. I hope that is what he was trying to say to you.

 

[apemay1969]

Based on your first post, I was gonna say that sometimes we get very used to our mate and take their looks for granted... like he forgot that you were hot... During my separation from DH, sometimes he would walk in a room and I would see him from far away and I'd be like... Then I'd spend more time with him and I'd be


Anyway... based on the rest of your posts... I'm concerned for you. If you're wondering if you're in an abusive relationship...

Yup. I don't know. I got this from my mom growing up so maybe it was happening with other guys but now that I'm becoming more self accepting, these kinds of comments aren't okay any more. I'm concerned too. This kind of thing is subtle and creeps into your self esteem. I worked at one of the women's shelters here and I would hear women talk about how their guys talk to them and they'd say subtle dumb stuff like 'I like my women with a fat a$$' or 'you can only see those dark spots on your face when you're up close' or 'if you wear your hair up, that burnt patch won't show on top'. What women? What dark spots? What burnt patch? Never noticed til you mentioned it, bub. So then I'm thinking about it.

Why they even got to say anything? Do they know?

 

[jrae]

Yup. I don't know. I got this from my mom growing up so maybe it was happening with other guys but now that I'm becoming more self accepting, these kinds of comments aren't okay any more. I'm concerned too. This kind of thing is subtle and creeps into your self esteem. I worked at one of the women's shelters here and I would hear women talk about how their guys talk to them and they'd say subtle dumb stuff like 'I like my women with a fat a$$' or 'you can only see those dark spots on your face when you're up close' or 'if you wear your hair up, that burnt patch won't show on top'.

Yeah, you're right... This crap should be added to the "Red Flags" thread.

 

[gabulldawg]

Once my SO told me that he forgot how pretty I was and that looks stopped mattering after a while. I hope that is what he was trying to say to you.

I think this is how a lot of men think, which is annoying. Does that mean that they spend most of their time admiring other women's beauty??

I think that most men don't know how to control their mouths and don't think about what they say before they say it. My SO used to say stuff similar to that and I would get offended and he told me I was too sensitive. I guess now he's more careful about what he says, or I've become less sensitive, because he hasn't offended me in a long time. I think men generally mean no harm unless they make those types of comments all the time. They are really meant as complements. One thing that I do like about my SO is that he doesn't go there with the hair. He has his favorite hair styles and I wear my hair the way he likes it every once in a while, but he knows that topic is generally off limits!

 

[ThickHair]

He told you he was a jerk before you married him. HE TOLD YOU. Why are you surprised he would say something "Jerkish"? Is that a word?

 

[queenbee8687]

My husband says the weirdest things all the time. I remember when his sister was pregnant and in the hospital. He told her he didn't see a difference in her stomach - before pregnancy and at the end of pregnancy. And while it was true, who says stuff like that.erplexed

When he makes comments like that I say "aw honey, watch that month" My husband is truely one of the most honest people I know.

I'm at work and that really had me in fits Reminds me of a friend i know.

 

[apemay1969]

He told you he was a jerk before you married him. HE TOLD YOU. Why are you surprised he would say something "Jerkish"? Is that a word?

I'm rarely surprised at 'what' he says. Shoot, I grew up with my momma and he ain't said nothing she ain't said worse. I'm usually hurt that he said it at all. Does that make sense? It's like when your baby sweetie pit bull turns on you. Remember those wolfman movies where the guy says please lock me up on the full moon and the woman says no, you're not the wolfman and then he eats her up. Well, that's where I am. I'm all chewed on. I also think he uses that as an excuse to be rude.

How deep does jerk go, you know, are there levels of jerkishness? By the way, jerkish is now an official word.

 

[Sui Topi]

I can speculate, but I'm sure you know the full butt of the situation...to me, he probably didn't mean it that way..people are like that sometimes. I even say stuff sometimes that comes out sounding funny. BUT...if you know hes not in that boat, act accordingly because no one deserves to be treated that way on the reg.

 

[tocktick]

My husband has a tendency to say stupid insensitive things that he thinks are compliments - unless he's serious passive/aggressive, which I wonder about sometimes.

Anywho, considering I'm in the 30 day encouragement challenge, I was wondering if I should address it.

Scenario - yesterday - We were at American TV and he went to the bathroom. I started looking at dining sets, walking away a bit. He started coming across the showroom and looked surprised for a minute. When he got to me, he said "Dang, I didn't even know it was you. You looked hot" Now mind you, I know he didn't think it was a bad thing but how dumb can you be. I didn't act offended, I just said 'okay, I guess that's a thanks' He still didn't get it. He warned me that he was an a$$hole before we got married three years ago but I didn't believe him. I do now.

How would you respond while still remaining as poised and encouraging as possible?

i actually had a friend who said similar backhanded compliments to me. i didn't tell her how it felt but just kept it all inside. one day it finally came out in the form of us having an argument. what i should have done was made her aware of what she was doing from the start. some people honestly do not know how tactless they are. my friend may well describe herself as blunt but she thinks her friends can handle it. it was a surprise to her to find out that actually, no, i wasn't taking it too well.

you need to communicate with him as he is your husband and should be willing to listen to what you say and attempt to alter his hurtful behaviour. i think a big part of the issue is a simple lack of communication. do not allow negative feelings to accumulate or they will one day manifest in ways that are way more damaging to your guys than had you just talked things over.

 

[tocktick]

on seconds thoughts, after reading the entire thread, it seems there lies a deeper issue. again, i'd still talk to him. however, i'm not too sure if the kind of behaviour he is currently exhibiting will cease once you've said your piece. especially if he has been this way way from the start. but like many a great poster has said, "you treat people how you want to be treated". so you either let him know you wont tolerate the comments and that he needs to work on his attitude or you formulate Plan B. i suppose if you're not happy and believe he is mentally abusive, that could be to start considering exiting this relationship.

 

[ShiShiPooPoo]

Can't respond right now (DH is all in my grill and will want to know what I'm typing) but I have ALOT to say about this...so I'll be back.

 

[ShiShiPooPoo]

Ok. I'm back. Here's my take on it.

My husband is a certified smart ass. We've been together for going on 11 years (4 married) and I swear I never noticed it before we got married. If I ask him something like "Are you going to grill today?" He'll respond "Does it look like I'm going to grill today?" He will say this like he is joking around but hee hee hee I don't like it and one thing that I absolutely DETEST IN LIFE is a sarcastic man.

Anyway, one day he responded like that to something else and I flat out asked him "Why are you so smart alec?" That shut him up. Then when he did it again I said "Boy, When did you become such a smart ass? Have you always been like that?" He said that he had and that he was gonna work on it. THEN when it happened again I flat out cussed his ass out up down inside out and backwards. That's the day I said "Who the f@&^ you think you talking to?" It hasn't occurred again.

The thing about it that is so interesting is that after me cussing him out his parents stopped by and I noticed that that's how his MOM responds to his DAD. So I guess he learned it from her...she's VERY rough and sarcastic.

So, the bottom line is that if you address this with him he may stop. Men aren't very smart sometimes and they don't know that that mess is hurtful. After awhile, that mess will begin to wear down your self-esteem so put a stop to it today. Tell him that you don't like his assholishness and that that wasn't part of the deal. I mean who has to put up with that? Maybe his mom or dad is an ******* and that's where he learned it from. Assholishness is a learned behavior for sure. We're not born an *******. I'm not telling you to cuss him out like I did my DH but EVERY MAN at some point in the relationship needs a good old fashioned cussing out or at the very least a tongue lashing. Men are like children, they will get away with whatever they feel like they can get away with from us. Nip that ish and you'll feel better. You need to get your power back in the relationship.