Living with The Passive Aggressive man - When He Withholds Sex.

[Zaynab]

So basically don’t rock the boat.

That’s hard for me on the inside. I don’t like how he is acting like he never told me he didn’t care about my feelings the other day. He went completely back to normal. He took me to toys r us and let DS pick out whatever he wanted for Christmas. We went out for some food. We stayed in the house this weekend. Real chill but I won’t forget. I want to rock the boat but I do think chilling is my best option. Ima get him to pay these bills. Get some of my income automatically coming in. And possibly go back to work in a few months to stack money faster.

I'm so sorry you've been dealing with this. My ex was a narcissist and the KING of gaslighting and making me question even normal things. I don't have much experience with PA men but I will tell you this, when you move past the fear and maybe comfort on your end )because let's face it, he pays these bills, you can stay at home and that comfort is the trade off for now) you'll get some clarity and realize that you do not have to wait to be happy. Happiness is out there. ((HUGS)

 

[syze6]

A lot happens at bowling. It’s like high school all over again.

Yeah my friend was engaged to a man on a bowling league. EVERYTHING was about he bowling league. He spent so much time bowling and there was a woman on the team as well. He later admitted he developed feelings for her and even had slept with her. He would always discourage her from going, because he said she wasn't interested in bowling. I guess he didn't want to have that awkward situation.

 

[qchelle]

Lawd! I didn't no bowling leagues were so scandalous!

 

[jerseyhaircare]

Lawd! I didn't no bowling leagues were so scandalous!

Any constant activity outside the home can have potential to meet someone since you can pretend to be someone else (i.e single).

 

[syze6]

Any constant activity outside the home can have potential to meet someone since you can pretend to be someone else (i.e single).

My coworker says when he meets someone he doesn't tell them he is married. He said it depends and I was looking at him like he was crazy.

 

[Zaynab]

Any constant activity outside the home can have potential to meet someone since you can pretend to be someone else (i.e single).

Right. And he shouldn't want to participate in any activities That his family could join in. Bowling is a family activity to me

 

[qchelle]

Any constant activity outside the home can have potential to meet someone since you can pretend to be someone else (i.e single).

True. I just thought "bowling league" meant leagues full of families bowling together clearly I was wrong. Until this thread, I didn't know bowling leagues were singles activities. I haven't been bowling since high school lol

 

[syze6]

True. I just thought "bowling league" meant leagues full of families bowling together clearly I was wrong. Until this thread, I didn't know bowling leagues were singles activities. I haven't been bowling since high school lol

Girl...my friend used to get so upset with him, because he would get off work and head straight to the bowling alley. The man would be in bowling tournaments and everything! He would discourage her from coming because he knew she really didn't like bowling. What was funny is the few times she went she got to know the woman who he messed around with. Lord...it was a mess I tell you!

 

[syze6]

Girl...my friend used to get so upset with him, because he would get off work and head straight to the bowling alley. The man would be in bowling tournaments and everything! He would discourage her from coming because he knew she really didn't like bowling. What was funny is the few times she went she got to know the woman who he messed around with. Lord...it was a mess I tell you!

I think if people of the opposite sex put themselves in the same space with each other often, something is bound to come out of it. Especially if they are on a familiar level with each other. That is why I am conscience not to put myself in spaces that exclude my hubby with men.

 

[hopeful]

Right. And he shouldn't want to participate in any activities That his family could join in. Bowling is a family activity to me

True. I just thought "bowling league" meant leagues full of families bowling together clearly I was wrong. Until this thread, I didn't know bowling leagues were singles activities. I haven't been bowling since high school lol

Agree with both of you . And even if you were in a league why wouldn’t you want your family there with you sometimes? It’s not like an activity like golf. And honestly shady people can mess anything up: LinkedIn, bowling, heck even grocery shopping nothing can be what it’s supposed to be. Instagram too! Twitter, business trips. That’s why we just have to choose well. Nobody has the time or energy to be trying to police a grown man who’s supposed to be loving and protecting us. And not necessarily calling Priss’s DH shady, just addressing bowling and other activities in general.

 

[Bklynqueen]

FYI, for those of you hearing stories of PA's sounding like Narcs, all PA's have some form of a narcissistic personality type; they think they are bigger, wiser, talented, etc. than they really are. They are also super-duper sensitive and absolutely cannot bear the slightest critism; even if it's constructive. PA's with narc tendacies can be very dangerous to your emotional and mental health. Unfortunately my ex had a lot of narc tendacies on top of being a PA so the relationship was doomed.

The APA says PA can be detected by four (or more) of the following behavioral traits:

• 
  
  
  • The passive resistance of fulfilling routine social and work tasks
  • Constant complaints about being misunderstood and unappreciated by others
  • Sullen and argumentative moods
  • Frequent and unreasonable criticisms of authority
  • The expression of envy and resentment towards those apparently more fortunate
  • Exaggerated and persistent complaints about personal misfortune
  • Toggling between hostile defiance and contrition

As an aside, passive-aggressive personalities often bear resemblance to pathological narcissism, including the expression of such traits as an exaggerated sense of self worth, lack of impulse control, an inability to empathize, and a sense of entitlement.

Narcs:

• 
  
  
  • React to criticism with rage, shame, or humiliation
  • Take advantage of other people to achieve their own goals
  • Have excessive feelings of self-importance
  • Exaggerate achievements and talents
  • Be preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence, or ideal love
  • Have unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment
  • Need constant attention and admiration
  • Have obsessive self-interest
  • Pursue mainly selfish goals

 

[PrissiSippi]

He’s on his best behavior now. I’ve been ignoring him like crazy. A few days ago he told me DS deserves a birthday party and since I don’t work he gave me $200 and told me to plan him a nice one.

Saturday he took DS and I out and let DS buy whatever he touched or heart desired for Christmas/his birthday.

Now I’m on my way to our first date without the baby since his birth. I’m being polite and very cordial but I dunno I still feel like I have a chip on my shoulder. I think I am owed an apology for how he talked to me.

 

[hopeful]

He’s on his best behavior now. I’ve been ignoring him like crazy. A few days ago he told me DS deserves a birthday party and since I don’t work he gave me $200 and told me to plan him a nice one.

Saturday he took DS and I out and let DS buy whatever he touched or heart desired for Christmas/his birthday.

Now I’m on my way to our first date without the baby since his birth. I’m being polite and very cordial but I dunno I still feel like I have a chip on my shoulder. I think I am owed an apology for how he talked to me.

Remember what I wrote a week or so ago?

@PrissiSippi
...
He may behave especially sweet to get you back under his spell. You will have to remind yourself that he is always trying to manipulate you and play with your emotions. He knows exactly what you want and the kind of marriage you want. He is just determined to not give that to you. Number one goal of passive aggressive people is to make sure you do not get whatever it is that you want.

There is a playbook out there that men use. They use it because it works. It only works so long as you don’t know they are using it or if you forget. Go out and enjoy. Wait for your apology and see if it comes. Wait and see if he’s still taking you out in January. One date is just that, one date. Giving you money to plan his and your sons birthday is what he should do. You see that’s how it works. They starve you so much that one date, a little money for a party, and a crumb seems like a loaf. You deserve ongoing dates, ongoing attention, consistently feeling loved and safe.

What matters is how consistent he is and how consistent on his own without being begged and nagged. And love isn’t apologizing every time you mess up. It’s doing your darnedest to not hurt the ones you love in the first place.

So have fun and enjoy but don’t fall back under his spell. See what’s happening in January and February. Watch and observe and keep it sweet and classy. And yes I know that it is hard. (((Hugs)))

 

[PrissiSippi]

It’s not just withholding sex it’s affection too. And it’s hard to not Rick the boat when you’re hungry as fawk.

I begged for a date. He blew me off the first time. I begged to go again so we arranged for our DS) to be kept by his gma and we headed to the restaurant. We don’t ever have fun or sexual experiences. I twerked my booty on him in the elevator. I was having fun singing in the corridor dancing and twerking. I feel like he sabotages it. He doesn’t do anything outward it’s very subtle. He refused to play with me singing or even compliment me. He turned away and suddenly noticed something out of the window. Me twerking? He told me to not fall and be careful. Literally. He is so logical and not fun at all. How did we get like this.


We get to the table and he’s talking about this is our first Christmas with the baby and how different it would be. He said yada yada DS doesn’t know what Christmas is but he wonders about how he will open presents and stuff.

I smiled touched his legs and told him I didn’t want to talk about the baby. Making another baby or just being with one another was on my mind. It’s like his mind went into overload. What to do? What to say? I asked for a sexual compliment or compliment period and for him to touch me. Nothing. He told me my eyes looked very nice and got back quiet againi.


I waited. He told me I look like a superhero when I wear my glasses and it’s very sexy. I gave him a compliment back. After that we were at square 1.

We came home arguing I threw in some victoria secret lingerie on told him what I needed sex and physical contact and I will give him what he needs conversation. But we must compromise. He said all I do is think about myself. Me me be. Have sex with me me me. Even if he doesn’t feel loved or appreciated. It doesn’t matter because of Me Me Me. No matter my arguing u know my point never makes sense to him. I cater to him but I really don’t want to do it to him so it doesn’t matter. I fell asleep with wet puhh and no conversation. Can’t be life.

 

[ArrrBeee]

I've been there and it's a terrible place to be. It's heartbreaking to share your world with someone who purposely neglects and ignores your needs. Being married and lonely is soul bruising.

 

[LostInAdream]

 

[hopeful]

@PrissiSippi
I know you crave affection. I know it’s more than sex. He is starving you period, for intimacy, closeness, feeling loved. I have a little secret for you. You can feel loved and cared for without him. You will have to learn how to love you, be self-contained. Initially it is hard going without sex with another person. I get that. But it gets better over time. It’s almost like going through withdrawals.

Human beings crave to be touched. So maybe get massages? Hug your friends more. Just do whatever you need to do to feel more satisfied without him. But trust me over time you won’t even want him to touch you.

You gotta just fall in love with your beautiful, petite, brown, intelligent, sexy self. See, you gotta take care of you. I love bubble baths. I find them very soothing. It helps me with skin hunger. Take your time putting on your lotion. You can have a sensual life without him. Light your candles. Dress sexy for you. Be pretty for you. Take yourself out shopping just for you. Take yourself on dates. Don’t buy or wear one more thing for his big, selfish behind.

This is your chance to reacquaint yourself with Priss. It’s a process but you can do it. Be Priss focused, not him or male-focused. Be patient with yourself as you stack that money girl. You don’t need him for sex or affection. Right now I know that’s hard to believe but trust me on this.

Focus on getting that money and taking care of yourself and your baby.

 

[hopeful]

Listen, I’m divorced and I’m never lonely anymore. Never. But it takes time to adjust and figure things out. I was lonely quite often when I was married. I don’t feel needy at all now. You have to learn how to take care of your needs. Our society got us women twisted thinking we can’t live without men, we can. Maybe you won’t want to forever. But you have to learn how to take care of you because everyone ends up spending periods of time on there own for various reasons.

And I don’t mean to say that men aren’t necessary or anything like that. I’m saying that when they are not providing properly or are abusive in some way, we have to be able to figure out a way to take care of ourselves, understand that we are whole and complete with or without them.

 

[syze6]

It’s not just withholding sex it’s affection too. And it’s hard to not Rick the boat when you’re hungry as fawk.

I begged for a date. He blew me off the first time. I begged to go again so we arranged for our DS) to be kept by his gma and we headed to the restaurant. We don’t ever have fun or sexual experiences. I twerked my booty on him in the elevator. I was having fun singing in the corridor dancing and twerking. I feel like he sabotages it. He doesn’t do anything outward it’s very subtle. He refused to play with me singing or even compliment me. He turned away and suddenly noticed something out of the window. Me twerking? He told me to not fall and be careful. Literally. He is so logical and not fun at all. How did we get like this.


We get to the table and he’s talking about this is our first Christmas with the baby and how different it would be. He said yada yada DS doesn’t know what Christmas is but he wonders about how he will open presents and stuff.

I smiled touched his legs and told him I didn’t want to talk about the baby. Making another baby or just being with one another was on my mind. It’s like his mind went into overload. What to do? What to say? I asked for a sexual compliment or compliment period and for him to touch me. Nothing. He told me my eyes looked very nice and got back quiet againi.


I waited. He told me I look like a superhero when I wear my glasses and it’s very sexy. I gave him a compliment back. After that we were at square 1.

We came home arguing I threw in some victoria secret lingerie on told him what I needed sex and physical contact and I will give him what he needs conversation. But we must compromise. He said all I do is think about myself. Me me be. Have sex with me me me. Even if he doesn’t feel loved or appreciated. It doesn’t matter because of Me Me Me. No matter my arguing u know my point never makes sense to him. I cater to him but I really don’t want to do it to him so it doesn’t matter. I fell asleep with wet puhh and no conversation. Can’t be life.

Wow...I'm sure your self esteem is taking a hit but please don't let it. He is avoiding intimacy and sex on purpose. It;'s almost like his mind is on something or someone else. I was told that PA or Narcs will get caught up in the thought of someone else, even if it hasn't even reached a real level. They will concentrate and fantasize about what they think could or will happen with something new. That keeps them content and satisfied at the potential of someone else. I hope that is not the case, but all his deflecting and outburst and PA actions can be telling that his mind and emotions are on someone else. It's almost like he has checked out of his present marriage and his emotions are somewhere else.

 

[jerseyhaircare]

Long read, but really relevant to this discussion:

What Kind of Woman Marries The Passive Aggressive Man?

https://www.liveabout.com/what-kind-of-woman-marries-the-passive-aggressive-man-1102897

The Passive Aggressive Cycles Between Hostility and Withdrawal

The passive aggressive man or woman’s behavior cycles between hostility and withdrawal. If you become involved with a passive aggressive man within a few months you will come face to face with a man who is either very hostile or shuts down and withdraws. In some cases, the passive-aggressive man will do both. I remember the first time my ex withdrew from me. It was while we were still dating. He was unable to form an emotional connection with me but instead of taking responsibility for his own inability he behaved as if I was the one with an issue. I willingly took on the responsibility. I made his faults my fault. I convinced myself I was not doing enough to keep him happy. The funny thing is, the harder I worked on the relationship the more he withdrew. My entire marriage consisted of me trying to find solutions to our problems and him withdrawing further and further away, both emotionally and intimately.

A Woman Married to the Passive Aggressive Man Lives Daily Attempting to Connect With Her Husband

Her attempts to connect threaten him and bring to the surface his fear of attachment, which means more withdrawal. The cycle goes on and on and on! What happens when someone you love dismisses your efforts and withdraws? You become angry and frustrated. Your attempts to communicate calmly turns into deeper resentment and anger. In response to your frustration and anger, he withdraws a bit more and you both end up not having your needs met because the more you try, the further he withdraws. The passive aggressive husband won’t return his wife’s anger. He will get back at her in covert ways, though. He will withhold affection, forget important dates…if it is something she needs, he will make sure she doesn’t get it.

There is a Reason Passive Aggressive Behavior is Called Crazy Making Behavior

His covert anger drives the wife of the passive aggressive man crazy. The crazier she feels the angrier she becomes and the yelling and screaming becomes a desperate attempt to be heard by a husband who refuses to listen. The passive aggressive man fears becoming emotionally attached to a woman. Lessons he learned in his childhood taught him that doing so isn’t safe. What happens when the passive aggressive man’s wife becomes angry? His fears are confirmed; she is not safe and he is not safe in the relationship.

The woman who marries the passive aggressive man spends a lot of time hoping for more than her husband is willing to give her. She wants closeness, cooperation, love, and attention. She wants actions and behaviors from him that show her he loves her. By the time my marriage to my passive aggressive husband came to an end I had no self-esteem. I don’t think I’ve ever felt as lonely and the sense of abandonment by my own husband was overwhelming. The loneliness I experienced in my marriage was worse than any I had ever felt as a single woman. The passive aggressive man sabotages his marriage but it takes that one special woman to enable him to do so. That woman who, in dealing with her own issues is attracted to the walking wounded. That woman who goes above and beyond when it comes to making a relationship work.

And, she will continue to attract passive aggressive men until she realizes that, as an adult woman she has the ability to limit how much damage another person can do to her life. Being loved should never mean turning yourself inside out for anyone. Being loved means knowing when to set boundaries, knowing your own worth and if need be, walking away from a man who does nothing but withdraw and withhold what you desire.

 

[jerseyhaircare]

I have to give you credit OP, you're situation is very difficult. Reading the article I just posted made me realize that my ex (Gemini) is passive aggressive. He made me always feel crazy and needy-whenever we would have a problem, he would shutdown which would make me amp up which made him disappear internally even further. Then I would say f' it, walk away, then he'd come and chase me-starting the cycle all over again.

It was such a horrible feeling-the gas lighting, him never saying what he thinks or wants, the over thinking situations and always finding a way to blame myself. Its so insidious-you have no clue how you got there and it's hard to climb out. It's not you. It's him. Good luck.

 

[beingofserenity]

I would just call up an ex bf, OP. While your hubby stays out overnight on one of those friend trips.

Jkjkjk lol
@hopeful has some great advice I'd like to try myself

 

[Supervixen]

I would just call up an ex bf, OP. While your hubby stays out overnight on one of those friend trips.

Jkjkjk lol
@hopeful has some great advice I'd like to try myself

I probably would too. But I don't think that's a positive attribute of mine.

 

[qchelle]

I probably would too. But I don't think that's a positive attribute of mine.

Same I'm not mature enough for any of this lol

 

[Sosa]

Same I'm not mature enough for any of this lol

Ditto.

 

[hopeful]

I probably would too. But I don't think that's a positive attribute of mine.

Sounds positive to me — self preservation, self first .

 

[PeaceLover]

I would just call up an ex bf, OP. While your hubby stays out overnight on one of those friend trips.

Jkjkjk lol
@hopeful has some great advice I'd like to try myself

I’ve said this so many time. However @PrissiSippi has a conscience. Not me! There’s no prize in being faithful to a man who treats your badly. I learned that the hard way. Mannnn every time he’s out having fun I’ll have fun too. Forget that...life is too short to be miserable.

 

[PrissiSippi]

I’ve said this so many time. However @PrissiSippi has a conscience. Not me! There’s no prize in being faithful to a man who treats your badly. I learned that the hard way. Mannnn every time he’s out having fun I’ll have fun too. Forget that...life is too short to be miserable.

I need to lose it. I think I'ma at least go clubbing this week

 

[PeaceLover]

I need to lose it. I think I'ma at least go clubbing this week

I have a better suggestion that I can’t say here you probably know what I’m going to say though.

 

[intellectualuva]

Whatever you do, be prepared for any fall out. I get the preserving of self by any means necessary tho. Like some of the posters above, I'm not willing to sit around while he does he wants.

I too am not mature enough to take the "high road." *shrug*