how would you feel if a man said this to you?

[Lilakoi’s_Sister]

ok, so i've been dating this man for a couple of weeks. we were on the phone talking last night about people we've dated in the past. he made the following statement in so many words. he said, he doesn't have to tolerate uncaring or nonchalant behavior from women. he said, if a woman is acting like she's not interested, it's no big deal because, "there are not that many good brothers out here, the pickings are slim." i'm trying to figure out if i am overreacting. but to me, when a man says that it makes me feel like there is no incentive for him to act right and be a good man because, 'hey the pickings are slim for you so you need to appreciate what you got.' now he didn't say this to me and i don't think he meant it that way but it was still a turn off to hear him say that "there aren't that many good brothers out there." i personally don't believe that. maybe i'm in denial. anyway, i promptly told him that i don't think the pickings are slim for me and anyway i don't limit the race of the men I date. he went on to say how he thinks white men are goofy, blah blah blah. anyway, my question is am i overreacting by thinking that this guy could be a potential jerk because he said that black women have slim pickings?

 

[Reslnt1]

well u didn't say he WAS A JERK u said potential...so it sounds like while you'll probably just have your eyes and ears open.... you're still willing to give him rope to do what he may with it.....which isnt a bad thing...

 

[sunnydaze]

Hmm,

You definitely gave him the right answer by saying your pickins aren't slim at all..I probably would have thrown in the "I've never had reason to buy into that hype", for good measure.

I wouldn't write him off as a jerk just yet..he sounds like any other black man who reads the same magazines hears the same media rhetoric we do in terms of black man availability. Let's see if your statement shuts all that down. Now if it doesn't, and his actions start to back up his viewpoint (acting indifferent towards you, not courting you properly), then I'd probably cut him loose...but let's hope that you passed that little "test" he gave you.

 

[Lilakoi’s_Sister]

well u didn't say he WAS A JERK u said potential...so it sounds like while you'll probably just have your eyes and ears open.... you're still willing to give him rope to do what he may with it.....which isnt a bad thing...

i will def have my eyes and ears open (and my fingers crossed too).

 

[Lilakoi’s_Sister]

Hmm,

You definitely gave him the right answer by saying your pickins aren't slim at all..I probably would have thrown in the "I've never had reason to buy into that hype", for good measure.

I wouldn't write him off as a jerk just yet..he sounds like any other black man who reads the same magazines hears the same media rhetoric we do in terms of black man availability. Let's see if your statement shuts all that down. Now if it doesn't, and his actions start to back up his viewpoint (acting indifferent towards you, not courting you properly), then I'd probably cut him loose...but let's hope that you passed that little "test" he gave you.

you know what, it kinda felt like a "test" too. girl it had my neck and ears all warm, i was getting mad, like how dare he think the pickings are slim for me!

 

[cocoberry10]

Hmm,

You definitely gave him the right answer by saying your pickins aren't slim at all..I probably would have thrown in the "I've never had reason to buy into that hype", for good measure.

I wouldn't write him off as a jerk just yet..he sounds like any other black man who reads the same magazines hears the same media rhetoric we do in terms of black man availability. Let's see if your statement shuts all that down. Now if it doesn't, and his actions start to back up his viewpoint (acting indifferent towards you, not courting you properly), then I'd probably cut him loose...but let's hope that you passed that little "test" he gave you.

I completely agree with this answer. I've realized that the "pickings" will never be slim for women who have their ish together. And I'm not just talking about being educated or attractive (although these are pluses). Women who are grounded, confident, attractive, interesting and fun to be around will always have "options." It's not easy out there for anyone who's a "good man" or "good woman," and you will always have options (even if they aren't great).

I laugh when Black guys say these types of things, b/c I realize the above is true!

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Hmm...that's interesting. I got something different from what he said.

From your post it sounded like what he was saying was that he wouldn't waste his time with a woman who seemed/acted like she wasn't interested in him, or was playing hard to get for the heck of it. I got the impression that the point he was trying to get across was that he would move on from an "uncaring" "uninterested" woman and that it wouldn't matter to him because he either has other options, OR...he knew she would probably eventually start getting her "act straight" since the pickings for black women out here (if she wants a black man) are "slim".

That's what I got out of what he said. I didn't get the impression that he was trying to look down upon black women. I could be wrong though. I guess maybe it would make a difference depending on what CONTEXT he was stating this, and who he was stating this to. What was he talking about before? What caused him to make this statement?

 

[BK Bombshell]

Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but I would definitely keep a closer eye on him and listen carefully for any more of this type of comment. It sounds like he's trying to plant seeds of insecurity in your head. I don't understand why you would say that to someone you just started seeing unless you were trying to make them feel like they're "lucky" to have you. I'm glad you set him straight though. I agree with Cocoberry10, a woman that's together is a woman with options, always.

 

[Lilakoi’s_Sister]

Hmm...that's interesting. I got something different from what he said.

From your post it sounded like what he was saying was that he wouldn't waste his time with a woman who seemed/acted like she wasn't interested in him, or was playing hard to get for the heck of it. I got the impression that the point he was trying to get across was that he would move on from an "uncaring" "uninterested" woman and that it wouldn't matter to him because he either has other options, OR...he knew she would probably eventually start getting her "act straight" since the pickings for black women out here (if she wants a black man) are "slim".

That's what I got out of what he said. I didn't get the impression that he was trying to look down upon black women. I could be wrong though. I guess maybe it would make a difference depending on what CONTEXT he was stating this, and who he was stating this to. What was he talking about before? What caused him to make this statement?

this is what i thought before i started the thread. that he wasn't looking down on black women. then i just wasn't sure, hence the thread.

actually he was telling me about this woman that kept saying she would call him back every time he called her and that she never did call him and then he followed that up with the he doesn't have to put up with nonchalant behavior stuff. so... you're probably right but it just left a funny taste in my mouth.

 

[Lilakoi’s_Sister]

I completely agree with this answer. I've realized that the "pickings" will never be slim for women who have their ish together. And I'm not just talking about being educated or attractive (although these are pluses). Women who are grounded, confident, attractive, interesting and fun to be around will always have "options." It's not easy out there for anyone who's a "good man" or "good woman," and you will always have options (even if they aren't great).

I laugh when Black guys say these types of things, b/c I realize the above is true!

Exactly!

 

[Lilakoi’s_Sister]

Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but I would definitely keep a closer eye on him and listen carefully for any more of this type of comment. It sounds like he's trying to plant seeds of insecurity in your head. I don't understand why you would say that to someone you just started seeing unless you were trying to make them feel like they're "lucky" to have you. I'm glad you set him straight though. I agree with Cocoberry10, a woman that's together is a woman with options, always.

i was thinking this too, that man we just met and you're talking crazy like this. i hope you're wrong about the insecurity planting but i've seen worse happen and will keep a watchful eye.

 

[Bunny77]

While I don't think he was putting down black women, I do think he was buying into his own hype and the so-called shortage of good BLACK men (notice he focused on brothers, as if you have no other options).

I like your answer... and it's funny that he responded by criticizing white guys. (If it had been me and he said 'white guys are goofy', I would have just said, 'Not the ones I date!')

So I'd say this is a red flag and you should keep your eyes open. Any man worth his salt doesn't need to talk about a "shortage" or "lack of good brothers." If he's a good brother, he'll show you and he doesn't need to talk about how he's a rarity.

All he had to do is say that he wants a good woman and he won't settle for less. Adding that other stuff would be a BIG concern for me.

 

[Lilakoi’s_Sister]

While I don't think he was putting down black women, I do think he was buying into his own hype and the so-called shortage of good BLACK men (notice he focused on brothers, as if you have no other options).

I like your answer... and it's funny that he responded by criticizing white guys. (If it had been me and he said 'white guys are goofy', I would have just said, 'Not the ones I date!')

So I'd say this is a red flag and you should keep your eyes open. Any man worth his salt doesn't need to talk about a "shortage" or "lack of good brothers." If he's a good brother, he'll show you and he doesn't need to talk about how he's a rarity.

All he had to do is say that he wants a good woman and he won't settle for less. Adding that other stuff would be a BIG concern for me.

i like your white guy come back Bunny! and YES, i was thinking in the back of my mind, the man that is meant for me will demonstrate how good he is, it's reflected in his behavior not his speech.

 

[itismehmmkay]

Girl, you are not overreacting. Alot of black guys have this fact (yes it's true) in their minds, but I'll be damned if he was bold enough to say it out loud.

bless his heart: I'm afraid you'll have to start playing games dear and teach him. that or drop him

 

[Bunny77]

i like your white guy come back Bunny! and YES, i was thinking in the back of my mind, the man that is meant for me will demonstrate how good he is, it's reflected in his behavior not his speech.

Shoot, I date enough of them that I better have a comeback! (I swear, I have a white dude magnet or something... but I love ALL men! )

But yeah, what you said is the key... a good man of any race will demonstrate his worth and won't have to focus on other mens' supposed shortcomings... every brotha I've dealt with who did the "I'm a good brother," or "Pickings are slim for black women and I have so many choices," thing has turned out to be a piece of ****.

By the way, what makes him a so-called "good brotha" anyway????

 

[Lilakoi’s_Sister]

Girl, you are not overreacting. Alot of black guys have this fact (yes it's true) in their minds, but I'll be damned if he was bold enough to say it out loud.

bless his heart: I'm afraid you'll have to start playing games dear and teach him. that or drop him

unfortunately you might be right.

 

[Lilakoi’s_Sister]

Shoot, I date enough of them that I better have a comeback! (I swear, I have a white dude magnet or something... but I love ALL men! )

But yeah, what you said is the key... a good man of any race will demonstrate his worth and won't have to focus on other mens' supposed shortcomings... every brotha I've dealt with who did the "I'm a good brother," or "Pickings are slim for black women and I have so many choices," thing has turned out to be a piece of ****.

By the way, what makes him a so-called "good brotha" anyway????

he seems genuine, likes to go out, a gentleman (helps me with my coat, the door, car, etc...), has a good job that he's been on for 20 years, funny, all around nice, up until the good brother comment. we will see if these qualities stand the test of time.

 

[Bunny77]

he seems genuine, likes to go out, a gentleman (helps me with my coat, the door, car, etc...), has a good job that he's been on for 20 years, funny, all around nice, up until the good brother comment. we will see if these qualities stand the test of time.

That's cool... you know, I think my question was probably more rhetorical than anything. I'm just thinking back to men I knew/dated who declared themselves "good brothas" and I didn't know what their criteria was, so I usually had to ask myself, "What makes him think he's a good brother?"

Anyway, I'm just rambling. Just keep your eyes open and take it slow. Also, I saw what you said in the other thread about him talking grimy about his ex so early on... watch that part too... I always think, if ole girl was so bad, why were YOU with her for so long?

 

[Lilakoi’s_Sister]

bumping....

 

[Nevaeh1282]

ok, so i've been dating this man for a couple of weeks. we were on the phone talking last night about people we've dated in the past. he made the following statement in so many words. he said, he doesn't have to tolerate uncaring or nonchalant behavior from women. he said, if a woman is acting like she's not interested, it's no big deal because, "there are not that many good brothers out here, the pickings are slim." i'm trying to figure out if i am overreacting. but to me, when a man says that it makes me feel like there is no incentive for him to act right and be a good man because, 'hey the pickings are slim for you so you need to appreciate what you got.' now he didn't say this to me and i don't think he meant it that way but it was still a turn off to hear him say that "there aren't that many good brothers out there." i personally don't believe that. maybe i'm in denial. anyway, i promptly told him that i don't think the pickings are slim for me and anyway i don't limit the race of the men I date. he went on to say how he thinks white men are goofy, blah blah blah. anyway, my question is am i overreacting by thinking that this guy could be a potential jerk because he said that black women have slim pickings?

No he's not a jerk for saying black women have slim pickings... he's a jerk for saying white man are goofy. Not that I'm the white man's defender BUT he's a jerk for demeaning any other race of men and then still classify himself as a good man.

I could understand why he would say that (the majority of) black women's pickings are slim because there is this stereotype of black women being reluctant to date outside of their race. But by dismissing men from other races he is effectively trying to boost himself in your eyes and make you feel that you should be uber grateful for him... which comes across as arrogant and jerk-ish to me.

However, give him a chance to prove himself (if there's anything worth proving)...

 

[tocktick]

i believe you are right in thinking that his mindset is generally one of: "there are hardly any good black men there, i don't have to behave". i'd also go on to say he may also hold the view that you are somehow very lucky to have him, one of the few decent black men out there and he just felt so obliged to let you know that info. lame .

his comment about white men wasn't cute either. i'm generally indifferent to ir dating (in the sense that i dont glorify it nor do i hate it) but the thing he said about white men rubs me the wrong way. no social group really needs to be generalised in such a way. again, i also get the message that he thinks that he (or one of the black men out of the little pool of good ones) is basically the best you're likely to get and to hell with you if you date a white guy cus they're dorks anyway and you'd be goofy by default by dating them.

i find what he said about black men a tad problematic. as a black man himself it amuses me and confused me that he'd buy into the "there are hardly no good black men left" bull. and is willing to try and feed you this mess also. ha!

but then again, i am a pretty analytical person and i love reading between the lines, so to speak. so i could be way off. what you really need to do, if you think this dude is even worth it, is to ask him to clarify what he meant. but i'm a big believer in people telling others what they want to hear when presented with this opportunity if they are trying to keep you in their good books. if someone says something messed up, i tend to accept these were their real thoughts instead of grilling them a while later and have them spin me a lie.

 

[Bunny77]

i believe you are right in thinking that his mindset is generally one of: "there are hardly any good black men there, i don't have to behave". i'd also go on to say he may also hold the view that you are somehow very lucky to have him, one of the few decent black men out there and he just felt so obliged to let you know that info. lame .

Yep... I always wonder the motivation of black men who need to point this out to me. Just focus on the relationship between the two of US, not other black men or a shortage or whatever... (also, I don't see a shortage in my neck of the woods... I meet a lot of decent black men)

his comment about white men wasn't cute either. i'm generally indifferent to ir dating (in the sense that i dont glorify it nor do i hate it) but the thing he said about white men rubs me the wrong way. no social group really needs to be generalised in such a way. again, i also get the message that he thinks that he (or one of the black men out of the little pool of good ones) is basically the best you're likely to get and to hell with you if you date a white guy cus they're dorks anyway and you'd be goofy by default by dating them.

OR... that she can't even get anything but a black man because no one else but black men want black women. I have had two black men pull the "good brother" line on me, and the first one said "And you know, white men don't date black women, so black men is all you've got." Say what???

The other man asked me what I was looking for in a man and when I mentioned financial security in addition to all the other stuff he said, "You know, white women don't say that. They just talk about love... I'm not saying it's wrong that you want that, I'm just pointing that out."

Say what, again?

It's like some of these men get off on the idea that black women "appear" to have no options... and if you do have an option, it's only so-called geeky white boys and ewww, why would you want them when you can have big strapping buck black men?

i find what he said about black men a tad problematic. as a black man himself it amuses me and confused me that he'd buy into the "there are hardly no good black men left" bull. and is willing to try and feed you this mess also. ha!

Yeah, most of the nice black men I know are quick to mention how many good brothers are out there looking for a good woman... they don't put down the rest of their group...

(Sorry, this issue is a pet peeve for me because I've heard too much crap from men when I'm trying to mind my own biz....)

 

[Lilakoi’s_Sister]

i believe you are right in thinking that his mindset is generally one of: "there are hardly any good black men there, i don't have to behave". i'd also go on to say he may also hold the view that you are somehow very lucky to have him, one of the few decent black men out there and he just felt so obliged to let you know that info. lame .

his comment about white men wasn't cute either. i'm generally indifferent to ir dating (in the sense that i dont glorify it nor do i hate it) but the thing he said about white men rubs me the wrong way. no social group really needs to be generalised in such a way. again, i also get the message that he thinks that he (or one of the black men out of the little pool of good ones) is basically the best you're likely to get and to hell with you if you date a white guy cus they're dorks anyway and you'd be goofy by default by dating them.

i find what he said about black men a tad problematic. as a black man himself it amuses me and confused me that he'd buy into the "there are hardly no good black men left" bull. and is willing to try and feed you this mess also. ha!

but then again, i am a pretty analytical person and i love reading between the lines, so to speak. so i could be way off. what you really need to do, if you think this dude is even worth it, is to ask him to clarify what he meant. but i'm a big believer in people telling others what they want to hear when presented with this opportunity if they are trying to keep you in their good books. if someone says something messed up, i tend to accept these were their real thoughts instead of grilling them a while later and have them spin me a lie.

yep, i didn't think about bringing it up again 4 him 2 clarify. i agree that he'd just "clean it up" and basically lie and say he didn't mean it like that. i generally don't give people a chance to re-explain their position. like you, i tend to believe them the first time around. i'll go out with him again, talk on the phone to see more of his behavior.

 

[Lilakoi’s_Sister]

No he's not a jerk for saying black women have slim pickings... he's a jerk for saying white man are goofy. Not that I'm the white man's defender BUT he's a jerk for demeaning any other race of men and then still classify himself as a good man.

I could understand why he would say that (the majority of) black women's pickings are slim because there is this stereotype of black women being reluctant to date outside of their race. But by dismissing men from other races he is effectively trying to boost himself in your eyes and make you feel that you should be uber grateful for him... which comes across as arrogant and jerk-ish to me.

However, give him a chance to prove himself (if there's anything worth proving)...

yep i wondered about that too. i was like, how you gon generalize a whole race of men. lol. but i pushed that to the side to focus on the whole slim pickings stuff.

 

[Lilakoi’s_Sister]

OR... that she can't even get anything but a black man because no one else but black men want black women. I have had two black men pull the "good brother" line on me, and the first one said "And you know, white men don't date black women, so black men is all you've got." Say what???

The other man asked me what I was looking for in a man and when I mentioned financial security in addition to all the other stuff he said, "You know, white women don't say that. They just talk about love... I'm not saying it's wrong that you want that, I'm just pointing that out."

Say what, again?

It's like some of these men get off on the idea that black women "appear" to have no options... and if you do have an option, it's only so-called geeky white boys and ewww, why would you want them when you can have big strapping buck black men?


Yeah, most of the nice black men I know are quick to mention how many good brothers are out there looking for a good woman... they don't put down the rest of their group...

(Sorry, this issue is a pet peeve for me because I've heard too much crap from men when I'm trying to mind my own biz....)

oh no! i can't believe they had the audacity to say that. i know you didn't keep them around long.

 

[caribeandiva]

I completely agree with this answer. I've realized that the "pickings" will never be slim for women who have their ish together. And I'm not just talking about being educated or attractive (although these are pluses). Women who are grounded, confident, attractive, interesting and fun to be around will always have "options." It's not easy out there for anyone who's a "good man" or "good woman," and you will always have options (even if they aren't great).

I laugh when Black guys say these types of things, b/c I realize the above is true!

I agree with everything she said. I've never had a guy dare say that to me. When he does, i'll be prepared.

 

[Farida]

From what you wrote, I got the impression that he was saying he doesn't waste his time with women who act a fool because he's a good man and when they lose him and are out there they will realize that they missed out. Basically, he is a good man and he will get snatched up with the plenty of good women out there, so he doesn't have to take ish from silly women.

Then again maybe I'm just being nice to him. Ask him to clarify.

 

[heavens_epiphany]

\

this is what i thought before i started the thread. that he wasn't looking down on black women. then i just wasn't sure, hence the thread.

actually he was telling me about this woman that kept saying she would call him back every time he called her and that she never did call him and then he followed that up with the he doesn't have to put up with nonchalant behavior stuff. so... you're probably right but it just left a funny taste in my mouth.

He is training you.. Men and women do all the time. They mention what we dont like about the past ex... we take notes and conform to theirs subliminal wishes. He wants someone to be on his jock and then the minute you do BAM he's not that into you. Are you sending him messages that make him feel that way or is he insecure?

Why is he talking about some other woman anyways? Red Flag

 

[Nola Darling]

Drop this guy pronto. He seems too insecure.

 

[Lilakoi’s_Sister]

\[/b]

He is training you.. Men and women do all the time. They mention what we dont like about the past ex... we take notes and conform to theirs subliminal wishes. He wants someone to be on his jock and then the minute you do BAM he's not that into you. Are you sending him messages that make him feel that way or is he insecure?

Why is he talking about some other woman anyways? Red Flag

well i don't ride the jock. for no man. i been down that road and quite frankly i'm too old for that ish. i have my own life. my own interests. my own things to do. he is someone that i'm trying to get to know but in no way am i going to be calling him daily, going out with him every weekend and getting myself all caught up. we are in the early stage so... i'll see you when i see you. maybe that's the vibe he's getting from me. and, i don't plan on changing it right now. if, we progress to something more substantial then obviously more time will be spent together but in the beginning i ain't getting that wrapped up.

girl, we were exchanging stories about other people we've met and why it didn't work out. i don't know if that is a red flag, but him telling me how irresponsible his daughter's mom is certainly seems like one.