How long do you wait for a proposal?

[newbiemom]

I am not trying to be mean but what is his incentive to marry you. Ask a married man why he maried his wife and most of the time they'll say they wanted them around all the time or he wanted to have a family with this woman. But he has already getting all of this with you without being married. Because of this I think you need to let him know that this is something that is bothering you. You already live as married people do so ask him straight out " when if ever does he plan on marrying you and what has been the hold up" If you don't mention it what is to lead him to the believe that you have a problem with the way things are going.? You have to at least give him the chance by conveying how you feel and leaving the ball in his court after that. Do not tell him what your time frame is but you should have a firm one in mind after you discuss your feeling and stick to it. Men can be very oblivious at times let him know how you feel.

 

[MrsAriannaAmbers]

Thanks for giving more information.

Here's the deal... like you said, you don't need a big wedding. You really don't need a wedding at all... you could go tomorrow to the courthouse and get a marriage license, and BAM, you're married. I'm sure family and friends could chip in for a nice backyard party if you did want to have a wedding though, and there are a lot of churches that are willing to help folks who don't have a lot of money but want to marry.

(Plus, you can get a small diamond ring for about $500 at Kay Jewelers... I'm sure they have financing plans.)

Here's the problem though... okay, so he's not where he needs to be financially, but y'all already have a baby. So whether you're married or not, y'all have to have money to raise a baby. How is money stopping you from getting married? You're already living together, already sharing a place, already combining funds... how does marriage change that?

It doesn't... UNLESS... he is trying to avoid making that level of commitment to you. Also, if a man is making you feel stupid and inadequate, that's a problem.

I think he's definitely making excuses. Marriage is NOT expensive (the only real money spent is for the certificate if that's you get right now), especially since you're living like you're married right now.

That's why I your posts!!! What Bunny advised is just smart, real and honest advice.

I so agree 1000% that a man knows what he wants as far as a wife goes and if he believes that she's his one he will act swiftly. What's wrong with giving him a timeline??? It will let you know where his heart truly is and by giving him a timeline he will know where you stand on this issue. In the mean time because your situation is a little different than most...you are gonna have to pull yourself together.

He's out working, paying the bills and supporting you and ya'lls daughter so at this time he has that "Comfort Zone" card and you need to play it since you dealt it to him. Start off little by searching for a job, start looking for daycare, start looking at apartments, etc...and get your mind prepared for the "if he truly doesn't want to marry me" type of situation. At this time you will get back in the groove of things and once you start to realize that you can be successful at working and caring for your daughter at the same time. I truly believe your attitude and confidence will be more positive and totally soar all at the same time. So either he will put up or you will move on. I know the thought makes your cringe at leaving probably but like someone else said alot of men will just end up pacifying you and what you want is a "do'er"! In the meantime pray on it and ask God for guidance and do what you have to do...You have a whole forum for support along with family and friends I'm sure that will have your back!


By the way what you are asking for isn't much AT ALL! Its either he will or he ain't and if your willing to accept the answer that he's giving. From the look of this thread that you made you just don't want to accept that he's putting you off and I think you know in your heart of hearts that he's giving a bunch of excuses because he has all that he needs without the paper...

 

[Bunny77]

That's why I your posts!!! What Bunny advised is just smart, real and honest advice.

I so agree 1000% that a man knows what he wants as far as a wife goes and if he believes that she's his one he will act swiftly. What's wrong with giving him a timeline??? It will let you know where his heart truly is and by giving him a timeline he will know where you stand on this issue. In the mean time because your situation is a little different than most...you are gonna have to pull yourself together.

He's out working, paying the bills and supporting you and ya'lls daughter so at this time he has that "Comfort Zone" card and you need to play it since you dealt it to him. Start off little by searching for a job, start looking for daycare, start looking at apartments, etc...and get your mind prepared for the "if he truly doesn't want to marry me" type of situation. At this time you will get back in the groove of things and once you start to realize that you can be successful at working and caring for your daughter at the same time. I truly believe your attitude and confidence will be more positive and totally soar all at the same time. So either he will put up or you will move on. I know the thought makes your cringe at leaving probably but like someone else said alot of men will just end up pacifying you and what you want is a "do'er"! In the meantime pray on it and ask God for guidance and do what you have to do...You have a whole forum for support along with family and friends I'm sure that will have your back!

I like you too!

Good tips here as well.

 

[Bliss806]

That's why I your posts!!! What Bunny advised is just smart, real and honest advice.

I so agree 1000% that a man knows what he wants as far as a wife goes and if he believes that she's his one he will act swiftly. What's wrong with giving him a timeline??? It will let you know where his heart truly is and by giving him a timeline he will know where you stand on this issue. In the mean time because your situation is a little different than most...you are gonna have to pull yourself together.

He's out working, paying the bills and supporting you and ya'lls daughter so at this time he has that "Comfort Zone" card and you need to play it since you dealt it to him. Start off little by searching for a job, start looking for daycare, start looking at apartments, etc...and get your mind prepared for the "if he truly doesn't want to marry me" type of situation. At this time you will get back in the groove of things and once you start to realize that you can be successful at working and caring for your daughter at the same time. I truly believe your attitude and confidence will be more positive and totally soar all at the same time. So either he will put up or you will move on. I know the thought makes your cringe at leaving probably but like someone else said alot of men will just end up pacifying you and what you want is a "do'er"! In the meantime pray on it and ask God for guidance and do what you have to do...You have a whole forum for support along with family and friends I'm sure that will have your back!

You're right, I have been looking for a job and I already have my daycare arrangements made. I lost my job when I was 8 months pregnant and did not intend on going back to work for another year however, I don't want to depend on someone to take care of me who isn't my husband and also I am not used to letting someone take care of me. I have also been searching for an apartment although this one is in my name and not his.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

I just don't understand how he's so uneasy to get married, but he has no problem letting you have his child.

I don't agree on marriage being the end-all be all of a relationship... but I feel the highest level of commitment someone can have with another person, especially for a woman, is to have a baby. If he wasn't ready to commit, he shouldn't have had a baby with you... or encouraged you to keep it, much less live with you, because married or not he'll always have a bond with you.

 

[Renovating]

a

I feel stupid because he basically acts like I'm bothering him by bringing it up it's always like "I know babe but why do you keep bringing it up... I feel like I am being pressured". I don't want to get married at City Hall but I am sure my family and I can make a small wedding happen. I will take a proposal without a ring. When I gave birth my mom gave me a ring that looks like an engagement ring and told him " here I got the engagement ring, now you get the wedding band". Although she was joking it really can be an engagement ring.
My problem with leaving now is that I will be taking him away from his daughter. He is a great father to her and helps me out so much. He is also a great man to me. Throughout my pregnancy he was there for me, waiting on me hand and foot. I was on bed rest with IV's and medication from my 2nd month. I don't know, it's such a hard decision to make but I KNOW I want to be married and to my daughters father. I don't want to sit around waiting for him and then years later I am still in a relationship with a man who hasn't made me his wife. That scares me.

First, congratulations on your beautiful daughter. To the bolded, I just want to say that he can still play an active role in your daughter's life even if you leave. I know it is ideal to want to marry the father of your child, but if he doesn't share that desire, then you have to do what's best for you and your child. I had to realize the same thing about my son's father. Eventually I decided that I'd rather exemplify a woman of standards to my son than to continue living a lifestyle that contradicts my beliefs. I wanted to raise my son in a two parent home, but for me it was too much of a sacrifice to raise him in a home that was not on one accord. Staying will give your daughter the benefit of growing up in a two parent home, but consider the message it will send to her. Will she view the institution of marriage or will she think it's just a piece of paper since her parents had a "great" relationship without it?

I also think it's great that he has been a great man to you and supportive of your needs. You have to decide if having a great man will suffice or if you're going to be adamant about having a great man that wants to marry YOU.

To the second bolded, your time is nonrefundable. Spend it wisely.



I wish you the best, no matter what you decide.

 

[MrsAriannaAmbers]

First, congratulations on your beautiful daughter. To the bolded, I just want to say that he can still play an active role in your daughter's life even if you leave. I know it is ideal to want to marry the father of your child, but if he doesn't share that desire, then you have to do what's best for you and your child. I had to realize the same thing about my son's father. Eventually I decided that I'd rather exemplify a woman of standards to my son than to continue living a lifestyle that contradicts my beliefs. I wanted to raise my son in a two parent home, but for me it was too much of a sacrifice to raise him in a home that was not on one accord. Staying will give your daughter the benefit of growing up in a two parent home, but consider the message it will send to her. Will she view the institution of marriage or will she think it's just a piece of paper since her parents had a "great" relationship without it?

I also think it's great that he has been a great man to you and supportive of your needs. You have to decide if having a great man will suffice or if you're going to be adamant about having a great man that wants to marry YOU.

To the second bolded, your time is nonrefundable. Spend it wisely.



I wish you the best, no matter what you decide.

Can I get an AMEN on the bolded!!!

 

[Bliss806]

One of the main reasons I want to get married is because I am a christian and I feel like I am a hypocrite and I know I am displeasing to God by living like this. I keep thinking.. if I die tomorrow I will go to hell because I have been living in sin. SMH

 

[Bunny77]

One of the main reasons I want to get married is because I am a christian and I feel like I am a hypocrite and I know I am displeasing to God by living like this. I keep thinking.. if I die tomorrow I will go to hell because I have been living in sin. SMH

Okay, now don't feel like that. We're all sinners and I doubt you'd be headed down south if you died tomorrow.

I know you're in a tough spot because all the stuff we said about making sure a man wants to marry you and all before spending years with him... well, you're past that point now and it's hard to turn back the clock. Your faith is a good reason to want to be married, but there are other good reasons as well (wives are treated much differently than girlfriends by our legal system, social security system, etc.).

Don't beat yourself up though, k?

 

[BroadstreetBully]

It gets to a point when you have to stop talking and stop doing. Sometimes you can't tell a man, you have to show him. He's not ready to marry you because he's comfortable. You need to show him what he's missing. There are many success stories from women who were in your situation who demanded marriage by actions. If you do nothing, I'm sorry but you'll never see a ring. In his mind, you two are committed so there is no rush, and there will never be a rush. A man's feelings on marriage are different from those of a woman, and if you're being wifey right now, he feels like he has no reason to take it to the next level. Either you accept that you'll be a lifelong GF, or put your foot down.

 

[Bliss806]

@Bunny, thank you! You give wonderful advice. There are many reason I want to get married but that's just one of the main ones. He also doesn't have family that he is close with since his mother died when he was just 8 years old. If something was to happen to him then where would that leave me and his daughter. If he were to go on life support tomorrow..me, the closest person to him, closer than his own blood, would be totally left out of the decision making because I am JUST his girlfriend but my daughter and I will be the main ones affected. THing like that bother me also. Maybe I think too much but tonight, him and I are going to have a long talk about this. I feel funny talking about it tonight since I've been showing him wedding pictures and beautiful wedding proposals all weekend. That is just me looking because that's what I want to do for a living.
BUT THANK YOU ALL for the advice. I don't really want to talk to my friends about things like this because I don't like them in my relationship business. SO thanks again! I really appreciate it.

 

[MizAvalon]

One year. Also, please believe I will know long before that if we are headed in that direction. He will be aware of my expectations very early on.

 

[FlowerHair]

I think since you have a baby together that you shouldn't leave him at this point.
If you're staying at home taking care of the baby, please stay as long as your child needs a stay at home mom. What's another 6 months when you've already been together for 3 years?

It would have been different if you didn't have a child.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

Great thread. I think you should have an idea if a relationship is headed towards marriage in 6 months. I think it's reasonable to expect a proposal in 6 months to a year. After a year, all bets are off. These are my beliefs because at this point in my life, I am dating with marriage in mind.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

Wow, my name came up a few times here!

Well, I just want to report that I've been practicing what I've been preaching... met a guy in mid-April, and he took me to a ring store in mid-November. No, I don't have the ring yet, but he asked me what kind of stone I liked and what type of setting.

With Christmas, New Year's and Valentine's Day coming up, he now has a few opportunities in which to present me with a very nice gift.

We've also been discussing cities where we'd like to live, types of homes, etc. Again, this is just past the seven-month mark. We are in our 30s, so that makes a difference, but he said he knows that he couldn't even discuss me moving to be with him -- let alone having children with him -- unless he puts a ring on my finger. I told him as well that a year is my time limit, give or take a few months... not like I would leave exactly a year to the day of our first date if there's no ring, but my personal deadline is the end of next spring.

Anyway, it tells me quite a bit about your SO, Bliss806, that he has not made moves to marry you after three years, living together and most importantly, after you've created a child together.

You need to make some tough decisions right now as to what you're going to do, and if you want to be married and he won't budge, you have to be strong enough to move on. At 25-26, 3 years is enough time for him to make a move, and with the fact that you became pregnant, that should have made him make that move a while ago.

I think it's highly likely we'll be hearing of your engagement soon.

 

[TayMac]

Lots of good advice in here.

 

[snillohsss]

Two years. Anything sooner than that is too early IMHO. You want to give yourself time to see what they are really like past the "honeymoon period" of dating.

Personally, I wouldn't live with them either. If you're living as husband and wife, what would motivate the man to marry you when he is living that way anyway?

 

[chicacanella]

I was just wondering what is the longest you will wait for your SO to propose to you? I have been with my SO for three years now but we have known each other all our lives. We currently live together and have a 3 month old daughter. I am ready for the ring!! Am I wrong if I set a time limit to leave if he doesn't propose to me??erplexed

I know you are asking to get a kind of general consensus, but what if the general consensus was five years? Would you wait another two years or do what you thought was best?

Generally, if you don't set any standards for a men then they will treat you any kind of way. They will treat you in the way you let them which unfortunately is how you should be treated and that will be the way they perceive you.

Being the woman that I am, I go into dating or courting with the possibility of being married knowing that this is not just for games or "kicking it" but to see if we are compatible to spend our lives together. That is the whole point of dating anyway. So, men treat some women in a way that they know that proposal is a must after a certain period of time, while other women may feel that they don't want to be too push and settle for less.

 

[Bliss806]

I know you are asking to get a kind of general consensus, but what if the general consensus was five years? Would you wait another two years or do what you thought was best?

Generally, if you don't set any standards for a men then they will treat you any kind of way. They will treat you in the way you let them which unfortunately is how you should be treated and that will be the way they perceive you.

Being the woman that I am, I go into dating or courting with the possibility of being married knowing that this is not just for games or "kicking it" but to see if we are compatible to spend our lives together. That is the whole point of dating anyway. So, men treat some women in a way that they know that proposal is a must after a certain period of time, while other women may feel that they don't want to be too push and settle for less.

You sound like you've been reading "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man" lol. Unfortunately for me, that book came out a bit late.

 

[Optimus_Prime]

Bliss806,
what did your s.o. say when you told him that you were pregnant (about one year ago, I'm guessing)?

My answer to the thread question in general? 5-10 months.
Marriage after 6 months to a year.
I don't think the argument of "wait longer (2+ years) to see if he's secretly crazy, etc" is valid. I do believe, however, that couples should wait at least 1 year after marriage to conceive since babies/children ARE PERMANENT. Then if it turns out that he was secretly crazy, he wont be the father of your child to whom both you and your child are permanently linked.

 

[MrsHdrLe]

I agree that there's great advice here. Do what you need to do and be prepared to act. I actually left and was fine with my decision and he came to get me. I didn't leave as an ultimatum (that's why I struggled with the decision to accept at first, but I now have no regrets). I did not return and will not return until we've made our trip "down the aisle" and he's the one trying to push the date up now. But as someone mentioned you may struggle later with feelings of doubt or resentment (from him) that he was pressured to marry. I can't advise there (esp. since there is an innocent little girl involved), but do seek Christian based counseling before you say your vows if it comes to that b/c if he's doing it to appease you now, you may not feel the joy and love that marriage should bring. I hope and pray God's plan for you and your daughter's lives comes to fruition.

 

[Bliss806]

Bliss806,
what did your s.o. say when you told him that you were pregnant (about one year ago, I'm guessing)?

My answer to the thread question in general? 5-10 months.
Marriage after 6 months to a year.
I don't think the argument of "wait longer (2+ years) to see if he's secretly crazy, etc" is valid. I do believe, however, that couples should wait at least 1 year after marriage to conceive since babies/children ARE PERMANENT. Then if it turns out that he was secretly crazy, he wont be the father of your child to whom both you and your child are permanently linked.

He was so excited and happy when we found out that I was pregnant.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

At 30 & up, 1 year max. Age 25 - 29 - 2 years max. Under 25 is too young to be married in my opinion.

DH knew within a few months that he wanted to marry me. We talked about marriage by March after starting to date the prior December. We looked at rings that summer and were engaged by fall.

DH knows of a woman who is 24, with the same guy since she was 17 and now she is pregnant. They have no marriage plans but she cosigned for his car and she made a few payments for him when he was out of work. Committed enough to use her credit, her money & to have a baby but not for marriage? Puhlease!!!!

 

[HoneyA]

a

I feel stupid because he basically acts like I'm bothering him by bringing it up it's always like "I know babe but why do you keep bringing it up... I feel like I am being pressured".

All I have to say here is that I have heard these exact words before. This translates to "I am not ready to get married any time soon and I don't know when I will be". End result...I'm single. In other words, he was "being pressured" but it didn't result in him proposing or setting a wedding date.

So you have to make up your mind. The question is are you prepared to wait until whenever he decides he's ready to get married? Start a plan to move up and on and start talking about and implementing it. if it's just a question of him dragging his feet then that should get him into gear. If not, he is not the one.

 

[VelvetRain]

All I have to say here is that I have heard these exact words before. This translates to "I am not ready to get married any time soon and I don't know when I will be". End result...I'm single. In other words, he was "being pressured" but it didn't result in him proposing or setting a wedding date.

So you have to make up your mind. The question is are you prepared to wait until whenever he decides he's ready to get married? Start a plan to move up and on and start talking about and implementing it. if it's just a question of him dragging his feet then that should get him into gear. If not, he is not the one.

Exactly what happened in my previous long term relationship. Got tired of the runaround and stalling so I walked. Best thing I have done since. It takes a lot of courage to walk away from a situation like that. At a point I realized that I had better odds of being hit by an oncoming car then getting that man to to propose. Pretty sure I will have better odds in the near future while yet again I attempt to"put myself out there."

 

[ackee walk]

I agree with all who said you've gotten some good advice here. My only concern is that some of it would better serve you if you did not have a baby, but you do. And because that child should now be your priority, I think you should only have that conversation/make that definitive move when you are actually ready to go-- mentally, emotionally and physically/financially (as I think you said you are not currently working). I think you said you will have this conversation with your boyfriend tonight. I think you should wait. Prepare yourself first. And, as some folks have mentioned in their posts, when he sees that you are preparing yourself to go, those actions will/should speak loudly enough and you may not need to even have the talk again. I wish you all the best, OP.

 

[pisceschica]

I just don't understand how he's so uneasy to get married, but he has no problem letting you have his child.

I don't agree on marriage being the end-all be all of a relationship... but I feel the highest level of commitment someone can have with another person, especially for a woman, is to have a baby. If he wasn't ready to commit, he shouldn't have had a baby with you... or encouraged you to keep it, much less live with you, because married or not he'll always have a bond with you.

The baby is now the "X" factor. As previously stated by other posters choosing someone to co-parent with you is a much bigger and serious commitment than getting married.

If you didn't have a child with him already I would say tell him that since the relationship is not progressing like you thought it would (giving him specific reasons why you feel that way instead of being vague) that you think that you both need a break. Move out and live your separate lives and if he feel like he can't live w/o you then he'll come around and give you want you want.

But since you have a child that complicates things. The only thing I could think of is if you ask for some sort of a break and live with a family member (b/c I'm sure your finances are shaky right now) until things get sorted out.

But only you know what is right for you. But the longer this arrangement goes on teh logner you are going to wait for your engagement.

 

[chicacanella]

You sound like you've been reading "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man" lol. Unfortunately for me, that book came out a bit late.

You know, I actually did read that book but unfortunately through trial and error I learned alot of what Steve Harvey wrote about prior to reading the book.

But it actually isn't too late for you...God still loves you and wants to see the best for you. If any of us say things that don't line up with God's will and word for you, then forget it because He is the one that you are serving, not us.

I hope your boyfriend knows how you feel about your living situation and maybe you can find a good church to go to and get counseling.

I just wanted to say that I feel God The Holy Spirit saying that you should find a good church to go to and grow there. I feel Him saying to just "come" even if you feel bad about how you are living, that He wants you even as you are because He loves you that much.

I had the same problem as you in not treating myself as a queen and really almost got messed up with the wrong man. But God pulled me out and kept telling me that no matter what this man was talking in my ear, that I was a queen and *sigh*; all I can do is look back and say, "Hallelujah."

Bliss806,
what did your s.o. say when you told him that you were pregnant (about one year ago, I'm guessing)?

My answer to the thread question in general? 5-10 months.
Marriage after 6 months to a year.
I don't think the argument of "wait longer (2+ years) to see if he's secretly crazy, etc" is valid. I do believe, however, that couples should wait at least 1 year after marriage to conceive since babies/children ARE PERMANENT. Then if it turns out that he was secretly crazy, he wont be the father of your child to whom both you and your child are permanently linked.

I agree the sentiments of wait an extra two years to see if a man can make up his mind is crazy! I really believe that a man knows within a few months is the woman is ideal of what they want to marry.

There was this man in my life that I was hoping would see me as a marrrying-prospect...silly me! There is definitely something going on when a man has reached 40 and has never been married but now I know.

 

[Dare~to~Dream]

If I wanted to get married, one year would be the max amount of time I would spend on a relationship going nowhere. When I was younger, two years was the max...

 

[darlingdiva]

Nope. Just be sure you're ready to leave.[/QUOTE]

This is ULTRA-important. If you give him an ultimatum and you're not ready to leave, he won't take you seriously.

One of my husband's friends is dating a man whom she wants to marry. They have been dating for approximately six years. Last year, she told him that she wanted an engagement ring for Christmas and that they were finished if he didn't produce the ring. Christmas came--sans a ring--and they separated. He kept pursuing her, and she took him back. Fast forward to Christmas 2009: she is still with the same man--as an UNMARRIED woman.