How long is too long to waste for a proposal?

A

Anewme2019

Active Member
Hi Ladies I've been in a relationship for 2 years. Him and I get along well. He is respectful and kind. He pays for everything and gives me whatever I want. He tells me that he loves me multiple times a day. But after 2 years I still don't have a engagement ring. He is 40 years old, no kids, good career, and education. We see each other about 3 times a week since we are both busy working, and we talk on the phone several times a day. I'm concerned the relationship has not progressed. Im 40 years old now. I'm thinking about dating other men. How long would you wait for a ring?
 
I tried to break up with him last month. I told him the relationship isn't going anywhere. I said after 2 years we should be further along, and now I'm bored of it. I did not directly tell him about marriage, or building a future.

He begged me for another chance. I guess I need to communicate better. But at the same time I don't want to make him feel forced into a commitment. If he doesn't want to commit to me on his own then I don't want him to do it at all. I am prepared to move on.

My problem is that we never discussed what we wanted at the beginning of the relationship. We just dated, and 4 months later he asked me to be with him. He is my best friend. But I don't believe in being in long term relationships with no commitment. We don't have to be married tomorrow, but I need some type of plan for the future.
 
I would ask him specifically about marriage. Try not to think about it as forcing him into a commitment. You are giving him an option either stay in the relationship and have it lead to marriage or leave. He will use his free will to make a decision. I think you have some fear of rejection and the possibility of a breakup if you ask him outright, but if you already have the mindset that you'll leave if he doesn't want to get married you have nothing to be afraid of. Write down the questions you want to ask him. Talk honestly about how you feel about the relationship and desiring marriage, talk about your relationship expectations and that you want it to lead to marriage. If marriage is serious for you let him know that. I think its important that you express your desires with him. Yes it can be a vulnerable moment, but I wouldn't recommend breaking up with him without him knowing why. Every woman I've know who is married has had this conversation with their husband before getting married. I think the media and people have women believe that the men want to get married and bring it up on their own. Nope! Most men don't. His response to your questions will reveal everything. Also after you have the conversation observe him. Mention marriage periodically to see his reaction. If he says he's going to marry you make sure his actions reflect that, i.e. preparing to buy a ring or a house together having those conversations etc. Because some guys will say yes I'll marry you hoping that you'll be satisfied and forget and the next thing you know 5 years go by and you're still without a ring. If after a few months he's not budging let him go.
 
Time is one of many factors. It's just easy to become fixated on time a year you reach a milestone age(25,30,40) or mass groups of people begin evaluating their lives in general during the pandemic. I think additional practical realities worth to evaluating are

  1. You are cool enough on him to date others..
  2. You are ready to break up and bored.
  3. You describe complacency in your relationship without describing intention or natural progression towards marriage.
  4. You didn't mention in depth qualities or discussions in the relationship
  5. No mention of selflessness towards the other.
Time is a factor especially as you get older. It's just easy to want to hold on to something you invested in and to desire marriage and commitment. I wish you well. I am not huge on timeliness but you touched what I am big on: natural progression and I did not see that in your description. Just make sure you don't fall back on something you aren't willing to give up completely. Had a dude try that with me and I got married within a year...to someone else. Me meeting someone else after my breakup had absolutely nothing to do with my ex. Instead letting go of the relationship I was in allowed me to see all my needs waiting to be met waiting patiently in queue. However I had peace in things being over before I even opened myself up to another dude because I was over it before the ex tried to flex. Ultimately you are the best person to decide your timeline, how your needs are met and how you meet the needs of someone you love.
 
Last edited:
Ladies thank you so much for your response. I've read thoroughly read each responses several times. I will attempt to have this conversation with him this weekend. I've always been afraid to have talks like this with men. Instead I find myself just leaving the relationship with no explanation or breaking up through a text. I'm trying not to do that to him. I'm trying to be a better/mature person, so I decided to reach out for help with this!

I love my Boyfriend, and he's a good person, but not that good where I would date him much longer without a commitment. I do want to date around now. I have not met anyone new, but I want to keep that option open. I've been in the house lately thinking a lot since we have been on quarantine. I'm normally a very active and busy person, so I didn't notice that 2 years have went by so fast. I'm tired of hearing about how much he loves me. It's all talk with no action behind it.

Im scared that if I leave him, I won't meet a guy that treats me as well as he does. So that's playing in the back of my mind.
 
Anewme2019 said:
....
He is my best friend. But I don't believe in being in long term relationships with no commitment. We don't have to be married tomorrow, but I need some type of plan for th
Click to expand...
Your answer is in your post love . It truly doesn’t matter what we think-though I completely agree that for your age group 2 yrs is plenty of time to “know”.
I definitely think it would help to discuss both of your expectations of this relationship,in clearer detail

ETA
Just saw your last post. I know you’re afraid,but you’ll never meet that next great guy if you’re still attached to this one...just something to think about
 
I wouldn't bring up the topic of marriage... I don't know how much better to say it but to me, it would come across "begging for a ring" or giving an ultimatum. I don't think that marriages hinged on ultimatums work. That's just me. Also, from my perspective, firstly, I'd become comfortable with being alone i.e. date myself, give myself a mini makeover. Just to give myself an extra confidence boost. Then, I'd be frank and tell him that I'm unsure of our future - I don't know if it's aligned since I'm looking for a deeper commitment and that I think we should other people.

Imo, a 40 year old man, if he doesn't know what he wants after a 2 year relationship, he's wasting my time and I'm wasting my time with him.
 
I think your rule of not speaking about marriage is going to work against you. Because you’re expecting the man you’re with to have the same sense of time as you. To some people 2 years is not long, to others it is. And it’s not really about determining what 2 years is actually worth, it’s about being on the same page as your partner. When you have specific milestones you’re trying to reach, on a personal timeline, it’s important to discuss them as early as possible so everyone can synchronize their watches. I think it’s odd to want to marry a man you can’t have an honest conversation with about marriage and your desires, 2 years into the relationship.

Also op, you are 40 years old, and I assume have never been married before. Did you have a lot of other prospects before this one? Do you have an easy time meeting men, dating, and forming lasting relationships? These are things to consider before dumping your guy because he didn’t propose in the timeframe you wanted (a timeframe he didn’t know about). What are your odds of being married in the next 2 years if you dump this guy? I would think that your best bet would be to express what you want with the one you got, and see what happens next.
 
Rastafarai said:
My husband said a man knows almost immediately whether they want to marry you. When we dated he stated his intentions for me within the month and proposed within the year. He also brought up marriage before I did. When they know they act immediately.

If marriage is your purpose, date other men.
Click to expand...

I disagree. This may have been your experience with your DH, but the average dating time in America before proposal is 2-5 years. There is a lot of other things that men consider before proposing, than just knowing you’re the one they want to be married to.

I’ve noticed that women who were proposed to quickly really wear it as a badge of honor. But the reality is that a quick proposal usually has more to do with the man’s feelings about himself, where he is in his life, and his readiness. Someone’s DH who proposed in 6 months doesn’t love them more than the next woman’s DH who proposed at 3 years.
 
Theresamonet said:
I disagree. This may have been your experience with your DH, but the average dating time in America before proposal is 2-5 years. There is a lot of other things that men consider before proposing, than just knowing you’re the one they want to be married to.

I’ve noticed that women who were proposed to quickly really wear it as a badge of honor. But the reality is that a quick proposal usually has more to do with the man’s feelings about himself, where he is in his life, and his readiness. Someone’s DH who proposed in 6 months doesn’t love them more than the next woman’s DH who proposed at 3 years.
Click to expand...
I made this exact point recently. Thanks for this post.
 
I know we are all about chucking the deuces over here but marriage is constant work. If he doesn’t know you’re feeling the way you are, he won’t be able to amend his behaviour.

If this man is worth 2 years of your time, the relationship is worth trying to nurture it before you up and leave. If this was any type of abusive behaviour I’d be the first to tell you to run.

I don’t think it’s weak to nurture the love you have in your life. It’s hard to come by - keeping it 100
 
Theresamonet said:
I disagree. This may have been your experience with your DH, but the average dating time in America before proposal is 2-5 years. There is a lot of other things that men consider before proposing, than just knowing you’re the one they want to be married to.

I’ve noticed that women who were proposed to quickly really wear it as a badge of honor. But the reality is that a quick proposal usually has more to do with the man’s feelings about himself, where he is in his life, and his readiness. Someone’s DH who proposed in 6 months doesn’t love them more than the next woman’s DH who proposed at 3 years.
Click to expand...

I 100% agree with you, but there is one more factor in this case: boyfriend's age. By now he should have some inkling as to whether he is the marrying type and whether he can see himself married to her. If he is enjoying the bachelor life and trying to hold on to it for as long as possible, then he hasn't yet been properly motivated. It may take hearing the OP clearly stating her needs and actually move on for him to act. If he doesn't act, then he isn't the one.

I also think what you said about a man's readiness ( where he is at in life etc., ) can be applied to women as well. Like this OP. Her reasons to be married seem to have to do more with her readiness, point in life than any deep love for him. @Anewme2019 sounds like she just wants to be married to a good guy, not necessarily this one.
 
Good morning ladies. Thank you for your responses.

I talked to him about it last night. I asked him what his future relationship goals were and if he sees himself being married in the future. He said that we are partners and have to plan and discuss things together. He asked "Do you want to get married?"I told him I do plan on being married in the future. Not tomorrow, but it needs to be in the plan book. He said "I would love to marry you". The conversation was quick and easy.

Him and I rarely argue and have lots of fun together. We talk a lot, but I do have problems with expressing myself when It comes to relationships. I can express everything else except my feelings about what I want. I'm working on it. It's not easy to put myself out there.

To answer a question above...I have been in other serious relationships in the past, but not married. Yes, I can find other men. But I want to stay with my boyfriend because we have a healthy, drama free relationship that works. That is hard to find.
 
Anewme2019 said:
Good morning ladies. Thank you for your responses.

I talked to him about it last night. I asked him what his future relationship goals were and if he sees himself being married in the future. He said that we are partners and have to plan and discuss things together. He asked "Do you want to get married?"I told him I do plan on being married in the future. Not tomorrow, but it needs to be in the plan book. He said "I would love to marry you". The conversation was quick and easy.

Him and I rarely argue and have lots of fun together. We talk a lot, but I do have problems with expressing myself when It comes to relationships. I can express everything else except my feelings about what I want. I'm working on it. It's not easy to put myself out there.

To answer a question above...I have been in other serious relationships in the past, but not married. Yes, I can find other men. But I want to stay with my boyfriend because we have a healthy, drama free relationship that works. That is hard to find.
Click to expand...

I'm happy to hear that things are going in the right direction. I wish you much continued happiness and in due time, him putting a ring on it. Best wishes, sis! :2inlove:
 
Anewme2019 said:
Good morning ladies. Thank you for your responses.

I talked to him about it last night. I asked him what his future relationship goals were and if he sees himself being married in the future. He said that we are partners and have to plan and discuss things together. He asked "Do you want to get married?"I told him I do plan on being married in the future. Not tomorrow, but it needs to be in the plan book. He said "I would love to marry you". The conversation was quick and easy.

Him and I rarely argue and have lots of fun together. We talk a lot, but I do have problems with expressing myself when It comes to relationships. I can express everything else except my feelings about what I want. I'm working on it. It's not easy to put myself out there.

To answer a question above...I have been in other serious relationships in the past, but not married. Yes, I can find other men. But I want to stay with my boyfriend because we have a healthy, drama free relationship that works. That is hard to find.
Click to expand...

This is great news! Sounds like you two have a great thing going.

I can relate about struggling to discuss feelings.It’s a vulnerability thing. Still working on it myself.

One thing that has really helped me is whenever I get the urge to consult an outside source-texting a friend/making a post or thread /writing in to my favorite YouTube dating advice show ( :look: )- for advice I know that’s a sign that there’s a conversation to be had.Those other sources do serve a purpose and are great for clarity ,but there’s nothing like going straight to the source.

Happy things worked out!
 
Last edited:
kimpaur said:
This is great news! Sounds like you two have a great thing going.

I can relate about struggling to discuss feelings.It’s a vulnerability thing. Still working on it myself.

One thing that has really helped me is whenever I get the urge to consult an outside source-texting a friend/making a post or thread /writing in to my favorite YouTube dating advice show ( :look: )- for advice I know that’s a sign that there’s a conversation to be had.Those other sources do serve a purpose and are great for clarity ,but there’s nothing like going straight to the source.

Happy things worked out!
Click to expand...
Rastafarai said:
I'm happy to hear that things are going in the right direction. I wish you much continued happiness and in due time, him putting a ring on it. Best wishes, sis! :2inlove:
Click to expand...
Thank you for listening. I'm getting myself together. :drunk: I'm a work in progress.
 
kimpaur said:
This is great news! Sounds like you two have a great thing going.

I can relate about struggling to discuss feelings.It’s a vulnerability thing. Still working on it myself.

One thing that has really helped me is whenever I get the urge to consult an outside source-texting a friend/making a post or thread /writing in to my favorite YouTube dating advice show ( :look: )- for advice I know that’s a sign that there’s a conversation to be had.Those other sources do serve a purpose and are great for clarity ,but there’s nothing like going straight to the source.

Happy things worked out!
Click to expand...

Thank you for the advice. You just described the things that I do on a regular basis. I'm constantly on youtube researching advice and seeking clarity. I will definelty work on being more direct in the future. I have some self work to do.
 
Anewme2019 said:
I talked to him about it last night. I asked him what his future relationship goals were and if he sees himself being married in the future. He said that we are partners and have to plan and discuss things together. He asked "Do you want to get married?"I told him I do plan on being married in the future. Not tomorrow, but it needs to be in the plan book. He said "I would love to marry you". The conversation was quick and easy.
Click to expand...

Did he actually use the term "partners"? Not to be a damper, but I think that you need a better (read: more defined) timeline from him. The highlighted sounds like the response he gave you because he knows it's what to wanted to hear. The only thing missing from the statement is "Someday . . ."
 
awhyley said:
Did he actually use the term "partners"? Not to be a damper, but I think that you need a better (read: more defined) timeline from him. The highlighted sounds like the response he gave you because he knows it's what to wanted to hear. The only thing missing from the statement is "Someday . . ."
Click to expand...
Yes he used the term partner.
 
awhyley said:
Did he actually use the term "partners"? Not to be a damper, but I think that you need a better (read: more defined) timeline from him. The highlighted sounds like the response he gave you because he knows it's what to wanted to hear. The only thing missing from the statement is "Someday . . ."
Click to expand...

Yeah, the conversation doesn’t address the question of time that op had. All he said is that he’d love to marry her... There’s still no clue as to what he thinks is a reasonable timeframe. But maybe op’s real worry was him potentially not wanting to marry her at all, and now he’s resolved that.
 
Yes, that relates to the only thing that worried me about OP's convo. She said it "didn't have to be tomorrow". She states her needs but immediately devalues them. That reflects her fear of confrontation and gives the impression she does not know her worth.

Perhaps at a later time, OP could assert berself again with a clearer picture of her timeline.

Btw OP, I admire your courage. I have had the same issues so I have been practicing (on everyone) stating what I want.
 
OP...You have gotten some really good advice in this thread. I want to say, with all the love in my heart, that you sound very emotionally immature. Marriage is between two people who agree to join their lives for the duration of their time here on earth and is not to be entered into lightly or blindly. Having conversations about marriage with someone you see as a potential spouse is smart, not "begging" or "desperate". My husband and I spoke about marriage all the time and dreamed together about what our marriage would look like. We both were very intentional and made no room for "it will happen one of these days." I told him what I expected, my timeline, we went ring shopping a few times, and I knew when he talked to my father about proposing. I never had to force him into any of that. I simply told him what I wanted and he took it from there.

I feel like we have this romanticized dream that a man just pops the question and we squeak out a teary "YES!" in total surprise, shock, and happiness. The truth is that most engagements are the result of multiple conversations that occurred behind the scenes between the couple and most women know without a doubt that a man wants to and will be marrying them before he gets down on bended knee.

I love that you all have an amazing relationship, however, you have to be able to communicate your needs to your man at all times. Your inability or unwillingness to tell him plainly what you need, labeling it as "avoiding confrontation" and expecting him to meet those silent needs is passive-aggressive and ultimately a form of manipulation at best. Your statement "I'd rather break up" shows that you actually have deep-rooted fears of commitment which as a married woman myself, I will tell you WILL NOT WORK in a marriage. I really want to suggest that you, if you haven't already, go to counseling alone to address this because you all may not argue but other types of confrontation will happen over the most mundane day-to-day issues and you have to be able to navigate those waters in a healthy way.

I hope this advice did not come off as rude as that was not my intent.
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

loolalooh
  • Poll Poll
SPINOFF for LDRs: How Long is too Long?
Replies
11
Views
194
Sosoothing
Sosoothing
Bliss806
How long do you wait for a proposal?
2 3
Replies
66
Views
2K
AstroQueen77
AstroQueen77
cdawnlewis
Is it strange to plan a wedding without a proposal??
2
Replies
53
Views
936
Honey Bee
Honey Bee
neenzmj
How Long is Too Long?
3 4 5
Replies
131
Views
5K
Daeuiel
Daeuiel
N
After 2.5 Years of Long Distance
2
Replies
33
Views
1K
jhcprincess
jhcprincess
Back
Top