He's going to jail.......What should I do?

[Hair2Dye4]

So my son's father and I haven't had the best relationship, but he has always been a good provider. We have been on and off for 5 years now, I even moved from NJ to GA (he was supposed to move too).

Well I found out about 2 months ago that he was wanted by the DEA. To make things even worse he was shot 4 times, and of course when the police came they arrested him.

Recently he expressed to me, his family and my family that he was ready to make a change in his life and talked about marriage.

I'm torn.............If we didn't have those marriage discussions it wouldn't be hard at all as to what I would do. But now it's like I don't wanna kick him when he's down. I need some advise.

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

Yikes, this is a tough situation. How long is he in for? It sounds like it might be a long time.

 

[Hair2Dye4]

Yikes, this is a tough situation. How long is he in for? It sounds like it might be a long time.

Don't know yet, this all happened within the last week.

 

[Summer_Rain]

I couldn't & wouldn't do a bid with anyone.

 

[SvelteVelvet]

You should move on with your life. That marriage talk was probably more like "I'm not in jail but I'm eventually about to spend time" talk, figuring he want's to lock something down to "Hold him down" while he's locked up. You deserve better.

 

[Allandra]

I couldn't & wouldn't do a bid with anyone.

Just like SummerRain, I couldn't and wouldn't.

You deserve better.

 

[JamericanGurl]

The Judge bout to break ya'll up!

Leave it at that! Cuz it's gone be hard enough explaining to your son why he has to be frisked and cavity searched every time he has to visit daddy in prison...limit your family's pain.

 

[Sugar Brown]

He's your son's father so you should be a friend, but move on with your romantic life.

 

[HoneyDew]

Just like SummerRain, I couldn't and wouldn't.

You deserve better.

I agree. Just because he is the father of yur child does not mean you need to be with him. You deserve better. He has too much drama. A man with a son should not be doing ANYTHING that would make the DEA be after him.

 

[Princess4real]

I agree. Just because he is the father of yur child does not mean you need to be with him. You deserve better. He has too much drama. A man with a son should not be doing ANYTHING that would make the DEA be after him.

I agree, take care of your son and move on. Your never going to get the house with the picket fence with this man! It kills me how everybody becomes sorry and wants people to be there for them after they puck up. erplexed Stay strong

 

[Laginappe]

The Judge bout to break ya'll up!

Leave it at that! Cuz it's gone be hard enough explaining to your son why he has to be frisked and cavity searched every time he has to visit daddy in prison...limit your family's pain.

I agree. Don't teach your son that this is the norm.

 

[january noir]

I agree. Don't teach your son that this is the norm.

So true and it appears that with this man, it will be... Love yourself and your son enough to leave this situation "at the door" and move on.

Also please don't let your son's father make you feel guilty or traitorous.
He hasn't shown he makes good choices with his life especially since he has a son or loving family.

Yes, I know anyone can make mistakes but DEA? Shot 4 times? Now that's Gangster...Nah... don't do it Girl!

 

[lexi08]

Please move on You have a son to raise and he is not a good example.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

We have been on and off for 5 years now, I even moved from NJ to GA (he was supposed to move too).

Recently he expressed to me, his family and my family that he was ready to make a change in his life and talked about marriage.

I'm going to tell you the same thing I told my cousins bm when she was in a similar situation.

"You been with him for 10 years and 2 kids and the nicca always told you marriage wasn't nothin but a piece of paper, but when he's faced with getting locked up all of a sudden he hearing wedding bells.

Just think about it"

 

[Luvmylife]

That's real.

Let it go...if dude is involved in things that are getting him shot...multiple times...that's not a safe environment for you or your son.

Not to mention if the DEA (read: FEDERAL GOVERMENT) has charges against him, he's probably going to be there for a minute. Why should you and your child's life be on hold because he's doing a bid?

I know it's probably hard, but you know what you need to to.

 

[Farida]

If your GF said to you:

I'm dating this guy and apart from the fact that he has drug issues and has been arrested by the DEA, is going to jail, gave me kids and no committment, he's a great guy! What would you say?

How do you think marriage will possibly change things? He doesn't seem like a good man so I don't see what changes now because he wants marriage.

 

[sonce]

So my son's father and I haven't had the best relationship, but he has always been a good provider. We have been on and off for 5 years now, I even moved from NJ to GA (he was supposed to move too).

Well I found out about 2 months ago that he was wanted by the DEA. To make things even worse he was shot 4 times, and of course when the police came they arrested him.

Recently he expressed to me, his family and my family that he was ready to make a change in his life and talked about marriage.

I'm torn.............If we didn't have those marriage discussions it wouldn't be hard at all as to what I would do. But now it's like I don't wanna kick him when he's down. I need some advise.

You're torn over marrying a man whose lifestyle is so dangerous that he's involved with drugs, has gotten shot 4 times, and is about to go to prison?

Let's put the shoe on the other foot: If you were the drug-involved soon-to-be convict with 4 gunshot wounds in you, do you think he would marry you? And if so, would that tell you anything important about him?

 

[sonce]

I'm going to tell you the same thing I told my cousins bm when she was in a similar situation.

"You been with him for 10 years and 2 kids and the nicca always told you marriage wasn't nothin but a piece of paper, but when he's faced with getting locked up all of a sudden he hearing wedding bells.

Just think about it"

Real talk right there. Your cousin's bm was lucky to have you around.

 

[Hair2Dye4]

You're torn over marrying a man whose lifestyle is so dangerous that he's involved with drugs, has gotten shot 4 times, and is about to go to prison?

Let's put the shoe on the other foot: If you were the drug-involved soon-to-be convict with 4 gunshot wounds in you, do you think he would marry you? And if so, would that tell you anything important about him?

I'm not torn over whether or not to marry him, I'm torn between being there for him through his ordeal or to just to move on. I'm not saying "hold him down, make weekly visits, put money on his books", just an occasional visit so he can see his only child (who's only 2) and being there for moral support. He's back in Jersey, I'm in Atlanta, that's a major separation.

I have to charge it to the game. I knew what I was getting into when I started dealing with him, not to mention I had a baby for him. Would it be right to leave him for dead?

And of course I'm not so naive to ever think that if shoe was on the other he would hold off for me.

Thanks for the advise. I feel everything that everyone is saying.

 

[poetist]

I'm torn between being there for him through his ordeal or to just to move on. I'm not saying "hold him down, make weekly visits, put money on his books", just an occasional visit so he can see his only child (who's only 2) and being there for moral support. He's back in Jersey, I'm in Atlanta, that's a major separation.

I really feel for you. I think you need to pray about the situation because it is tough. My questions is - how often has your sons father made the trip from NJ to Atl to visit his son? If he's done a good job of bridging that distance, then by all means, do your best to make the occassional visit. But if he hasnt made the effort to see his son, then....you already know.

I just pray that you see the time apart as a time to figure out what YOU want for you and your son.

 

[sonce]

I'm not torn over whether or not to marry him, I'm torn between being there for him through his ordeal or to just to move on. I'm not saying "hold him down, make weekly visits, put money on his books", just an occasional visit so he can see his only child (who's only 2) and being there for moral support. He's back in Jersey, I'm in Atlanta, that's a major separation.

I don't think you owe him moral support, so your decision to move on should be based solely on what you need and deserve. You might not feel strong enough to put this man behind you but if you are to avoid future regret, you need to do what is right, not what feels good. Regardless of what you decide, depending on what kind of father he is, you should carefully consider letting him see his son. However, children need good fathers. So, is he a good father? As other posters have said, is he the kind of role model you want for your son? (4 bullet wounds and the DEA indicate he is not). And if you are cutting him out of your son's life, please don't stop the inquiry there. How do you plan to address what I call "The Father Void" in your son's life? (but please don't think that a bad father is better than no father.) How do you plan to avoid your son romanticizing his gangsta father?

Would it be right to leave him for dead?

It is not about him. It is about you and your son. He made his bed when he chose to run around being gangsta instead of thinking about you and your son. Do not make decisions based on a man who did not see you as worthy enough to take into account when living his life. If you make a decision based on him, instead of putting you and your son front and center, you are saying that he is more important than both you and your son. Is this really what you think?

Whatever you decide, bless you. I hope you have people to lean on right now because what you are going through is very difficult. My heart goes out to you and I hope you find the strength to deal with this situation wisely.

 

[Suerte]

So my son's father and I haven't had the best relationship, but he has always been a good provider. We have been on and off for 5 years now, I even moved from NJ to GA (he was supposed to move too).

Well I found out about 2 months ago that he was wanted by the DEA. To make things even worse he was shot 4 times, and of course when the police came they arrested him.

Recently he expressed to me, his family and my family that he was ready to make a change in his life and talked about marriage.

I'm torn.............If we didn't have those marriage discussions it wouldn't be hard at all as to what I would do. But now it's like I don't wanna kick him when he's down. I need some advise.

Non-Sugarcoated Response...

You say he has always been a good provider... did you know that he was a drug dealer/living a fast lifestyle? I mean, did he have a job/career... or were you informed/aware of his activities.

If you had no idea and you honestly thought that he was like... a regional manager for Best Buy or was an administrator at some other company and you were conned...then don't read the rest of my post because it does not apply to you. If you did, please read with an open mind and see what I'm saying.

I'm asking that because... if you knew what he was doing, and you stayed in the relationship and created children with him... you need to accept responsibility for YOUR part in this and YOUR actions and marry him, or at least be there for him and support him while he is incarcerated.

I have seen so many "Wifeys" of dope dealers sit back and reap the benefits of dating these guys in the game. Shopping sprees, cash in your hand all the time, rent/mortgage paid, a new car every year, kids all dressed fly, etc. But then as soon as something happens like PRISON...the women want to leave.

It's like... it's okay for him to miss dates to go out of state to get a load of dope for cheap...you can call and guilt trip him until he buys you something nice. It's okay for him to have you scared out of your mind when some random dudes approach you in the mall...because as soon as you tell him, he moves you and your kids into a much nicer house far away from the drama. But when something REAL happens... and he is not there to lay the pipe down and lavish gifts and money on the woman, she wants to disappear. That is so vile and disgusting, IMO.

If you participated in his lifestyle and illegal activities in any way shape or form... be thankful that you aren't one of the thousands of women who are locked up simply because they knew their man was hustling and said nothing. Be thankful that you and/or your children are still alive and safe, because many are not. But also be accountable and accept responsibilty.

If he paid it forward no matter how he got the money...it is time to pay him back.

Stuff like this strikes real close to my heart due to my own experiences with myself, my dad, a couple brothers, two nephews and one niece, and one of my sisters.

 

[sonce]

Non-Sugarcoated Response...

You say he has always been a good provider... did you know that he was a drug dealer/living a fast lifestyle? I mean, did he have a job/career... or were you informed/aware of his activities.

If you had no idea and you honestly thought that he was like... a regional manager for Best Buy or was an administrator at some other company and you were conned...then don't read the rest of my post because it does not apply to you. If you did, please read with an open mind and see what I'm saying.

I'm asking that because... if you knew what he was doing, and you stayed in the relationship and created children with him... you need to accept responsibility for YOUR part in this and YOUR actions and marry him, or at least be there for him and support him while he is incarcerated.

I have seen so many "Wifeys" of dope dealers sit back and reap the benefits of dating these guys in the game. Shopping sprees, cash in your hand all the time, rent/mortgage paid, a new car every year, kids all dressed fly, etc. But then as soon as something happens like PRISON...the women want to leave.

It's like... it's okay for him to miss dates to go out of state to get a load of dope for cheap...you can call and guilt trip him until he buys you something nice. It's okay for him to have you scared out of your mind when some random dudes approach you in the mall...because as soon as you tell him, he moves you and your kids into a much nicer house far away from the drama. But when something REAL happens... and he is not there to lay the pipe down and lavish gifts and money on the woman, she wants to disappear. That is so vile and disgusting, IMO.

If you participated in his lifestyle and illegal activities in any way shape or form... be thankful that you aren't one of the thousands of women who are locked up simply because they knew their man was hustling and said nothing. Be thankful that you and/or your children are still alive and safe, because many are not. But also be accountable and accept responsibilty.

If he paid it forward no matter how he got the money...it is time to pay him back.

Stuff like this strikes real close to my heart due to my own experiences with myself, my dad, a couple brothers, two nephews and one niece, and one of my sisters.

But Suerte, there is a child involved in all of this. Even if she needs to do penance and accept responsibility for the benefits she derived from his situation, does this justify the risk to the child stemming from being kept in this kind of situation? (and I believe the kid will know what's going on because kids always know what's up even when adults think they don't).

 

[Suerte]

But Suerte, there is a child involved in all of this. Even if she needs to do penance and accept responsibility for the benefits she derived from his situation, does this justify the risk to the child stemming from being kept in this kind of situation? (and I believe the kid will know what's going on because kids always know what's up even when adults think they don't).

The sins of the mother/father...

I don't know how to explain that ^ but... I mean, when you are a parent and you make your bed... you and your kids lie down in it.

The children are probably safer with him incarcerated for now anyways.

 

[poetist]

but please don't think that a bad father is better than no father.

I disagree. If the OP tries to keep her son from knowing his father all in the name of "protecting" her son it will surely backfire. Her son will resent her, not his father. I am not saying that the father should have joint custody once he gets out or that they should make weekly visits to the jail, but her son definitely needs to know his father. If she does it right, her son will love his father and understand why he shouldnt make the same mistakes.

I volunteer with foster kids whose parents are dead, on drugs, in jail, etc. It does not matter what their parents do - the kids still love them and want more than ANYTHING to have some sort of relationship with their parents.

 

[sonce]

I disagree. If the OP tries to keep her son from knowing his father all in the name of "protecting" her son it will surely backfire. Her son will resent her, not his father. I am not saying that the father should have joint custody once he gets out or that they should make weekly visits to the jail, but her son definitely needs to know his father. If she does it right, her son will love his father and understand why he shouldnt make the same mistakes.

I volunteer with foster kids whose parents are dead, on drugs, in jail, etc. It does not matter what their parents do - the kids still love them and want more than ANYTHING to have some sort of relationship with their parents.

Hmm. I see your point. However, I have been privy to situations in which the parent (often the mother but in one case, the father) explained to the kid why he/she was being kept from the other parent. The kids did not grow up to resent the absence of the parent. I've found that resentment only really occurs when parents make decisions in an autocratic fashion, with no or only partial explanation, and the kid never fully appreciates what the parent was thinking when keeping the kid from the other parent. Putting my own business out there: My older brother resents my mom for the years my father was gone while I do not. At the time, my mother sat me down and told me everything (even let me read court documents and letters my father had written to his girlfriends and our family members) while it was occurring because she found me more mature than my brother, while she "shielded" my brother by telling him virtually nothing and just having him "trust" in her decision. From what my brother has expressed, I think that my knowing what was going on and fully appreciating just what kind of person my father was versus his being kept in the dark and having things happen to him in a way that made him feel powerless and allowed him to romanticize my father in his absence is the key difference between our respective feelings. I missed the presence of a father in my life, but I did not miss my actual father and I did not resent my mother because I knew what kind of person he was.

But you know what? I think you are right too.

I don't think there are any hard and fast rules in these kinds of situations. Depends on the kid, on the parents, on the situation.

All I know is that it sucks to be a good parent dealing with a bad parent, and parents should think really hard in such situations.

 

[Suerte]

I disagree. If the OP tries to keep her son from knowing his father all in the name of "protecting" her son it will surely backfire. Her son will resent her, not his father. I am not saying that the father should have joint custody once he gets out or that they should make weekly visits to the jail, but her son definitely needs to know his father. If she does it right, her son will love his father and understand why he shouldnt make the same mistakes.

I volunteer with foster kids whose parents are dead, on drugs, in jail, etc. It does not matter what their parents do - the kids still love them and want more than ANYTHING to have some sort of relationship with their parents.

I TOTALLY agree.

This is partially why my relationship with my mother is so strained to this day. I seriously struggle CONSTANTLY with even having respect for her.

Some days I want to hug her and hold her because she is such a pathetic, incomplete, hurting woman who needs love... and other days I want to ***** slap her and spit in her face for the things she has put me through.

I love my mother so much...but I do not like who she is as a person. There are things I appreciate about her...but do I LIKE her and respect her as a person...I'm not so sure.

 

[HoneyDew]

I have to charge it to the game. I knew what I was getting into when I started dealing with him, not to mention I had a baby for him. Would it be right to leave him for dead?

So basically, you are saying that his actions have not been a huge problem for you up until this point, right? Well, if you still feel the same way, just be there for him. No need to leave him now, I guess.

I strongly believe that people have the power to make the good choice or the bad choice - but you have to deal with whatever you choose to do. Since you chose to be with him and have a baby with him knowing about "the game", then it would only be right to just stay real to that.

My first answer was based on my personal feelings about what I would do. I personally would NEVER be with a man that would do anything that would get him in legal trouble. So it is easy for me to look at your post and say "drop him".

I don't think you should keep your son away from him though. Whatever you choose to do, you should to be wise in how to deal with the impact it will have on him. It is better for young men to know that it is normal to actually get an education and job to provide for yourself and NOT to do things that are illegal.

 

[Mortons]

The sins of the mother/father...

I don't know how to explain that ^ but... I mean, when you are a parent and you make your bed... you and your kids lie down in it.

The children are probably safer with him incarcerated for now anyways.

Thats all I was thinking throughout this....

I cant say what you should and should not do but I will say to think of how everyone will be affected/changed and make a decision that you feel is best based on those facts.

 

[MissYocairis]

I couldn't & wouldn't do a bid with anyone.

...me neither, girl....me neither. It's kinda an unfair thing to ask of someone also. Not to mention, would the marriage talk even have come if he weren't facing time? I mean, he knew he was facing time before he got shot and before you discovered he was wanted....I sometimes feel men doing this are selfish. And, all that "kicking him when he's down" well....as long as you can say 100% that throughout your entire relationship...ups and downs and all...that he has proven through his actions and choices that he will never and has never "kicked you when you were down"....then, I suppose he is worth giving that same consideration...but, if he's ever taken advantage of you at your most vulnerable....I would think twice about doing this time with him.