Should I break up with my "fiance"?

Tallone said:
Just Kiya sounds like an awesome big sister to have, doesn't she?

Where were you when I was fumbling through life LOL
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I always think that too in every thread that I read that JustKiya has responded in she has the most well balanced, practical down to earth , for real advice.

When I have a real problem I'm just gonna PM her and ask what do you think?

I'm sure I can be her big sister age wise but nothing beats good common sense.
 
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awhyley said:
Fa real. Her advice throughout this thread has been amazing.



I thought that's what I read as well, but I couldn't believe it when I saw it. I mean, he wants more time, MORE TIME! This joker can't be serious. :nono: If the cheating wasn't bad enough, that's the nail in the coffin right there.



BINGO!!! I just wanted to add that Eclass, you owe this fool NOTHING! And if you marry him, he may end up owning half of your stuff. He already thinks he's got it made, (which is why he doesn't want to move). He thought that you'd beg for him to stay after he offered to leave, but when that didn't happen; he saw that he had to string you along with more promises. You're 28 years old; not 38 or 48, you'll bounce back from this a wiser person.

I'm confused about this 30 day rule thing. Thursday is 31Dec; by Friday, I would want his @ss outta there. It isn't like he doesn't have a place to go back to, (or the resources to spend at a hotel or something). Break the news and have him pack his sh*t. (**Not that it matters, but I am curious; do you know the person who he cheated with? Did he think you would find out? I'm wondering why he split the beans.)
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Yeah the more time thing is messed up - but do I even WANT to marry him now that I know he cheated? That's my deal - like we set a date but I'm not over the cheating yet. I don't know if that's good either.

The 30 day thing is just a technicality, but I think he would leave as soon as he signed a lease somewhere.

I do know who he cheated with. And not that it makes it better.....but she's nobody he would ever be with seriously, it was just physical. I still don't know how to feel about it though.
 
SummerRain said:
EClass - just know that whatever you decide today will establish the pace for the rest of your relationship with him. He cheated, he lied, he put your sexual health in danger - he has given you the blueprint for what to expect. At the end of X amount of time, when he walks away he'll look at you and say "EClass...I told you who I was and what I was about, what did you expect?"

This is not to say that he can not change - but he has no incentive to right now because it seems like you feel more guilty and are more worrisome than he is.
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You are so right. It's just hard to face the reality of letting go. But I have to.
 
Thank you all so much. You helped me a lot and I'm grateful to have somewhere to come and talk to such wonderful women.

I'm about to leave now and go home to talk to him. I'll let you know what happens.


Have a good one :Rose:
 
I was going to say that the financial was probably an issue but didn't,idky. And so what he makes more than you, finding a place,making a down payment and hiring movers will be costly to him. Don't under estimate that fact.

He probably cheated with someone who wasn't half of what you are and he received a wake up call. You're a 28yr old property owner:grin: He told you because he most likely does love you but if you were to ever find out,it looks better coming from him than someone else. He knows he messed,he's now playing on the type of person you are,loyal,compassionate and considerate.

I forget the name but one of the other posters said you'll regret not getting mad at first because you're trying to be so rational. Get mad and let him know exactly how you feel and how his actions made you feel. I'm not saying fly off the edge but don't try to play down your feelings around him. Let him know you need to take your time to think this one through and IF he truly loves you,he'll be more than willing to give you your space.

He sounds very calculating....
 
As other posters have said, regardless of whether you decide to stay, I think you really should take some time for self and reassess your situation...your relationship...and what you want and deserve.
 
I think you should leave the situation. Give it 6 months and see how you feel. Let him go to therapy to work out his issues with commitment and fidelity and if you still feel strongly for him give it another chance. But seperate yourself from the situation so you can see clearly.
 
There are always signs in the beginning....so take heed.....if you are prepared to deal with this again, then keep him.....it will happen again...........he is telling you it will.....
 
What would you loose by waiting until "you" decide your future? I know you feel as though you have invested alot of time in the relationship, however, it is better to be sure going into a marriage than being miserable the rest of your life. Obviously, he is not ready for marriage. That's not a red flag; that is a STOP SIGN! Step back and ask yourself, "would I want my daughter to marry a man like him?" If the answer is no...kick him to the curb! :nono:

Trust me, there are plenty of good men looking for a good woman. I was married at age 18 (5 years), age 25 with 2 kids (5 years), age 33 with 4 kids (12 years). I am now 45 and getting married in September 2010 - those are the ones I said "yes" to. My point is, know your self worth and don't settle for someone below your standards. Demand the best and expect the best a man has to offer- his total commitement and love! Stand up beautiful Black Sister- take your power back.
 
Sexy over 40 said:
What would you loose by waiting until "you" decide your future? I know you feel as though you have invested alot of time in the relationship, however, it is better to be sure going into a marriage than being miserable the rest of your life. Obviously, he is not ready for marriage. That's not a red flag; that is a STOP SIGN! Step back and ask yourself, "would I want my daughter to marry a man like him?" If the answer is no...kick him to the curb! :nono:

Trust me, there are plenty of good men looking for a good woman. I was married at age 18 (5 years), age 25 with 2 kids (5 years), age 33 with 4 kids (12 years). I am now 45 and getting married in September 2010 - those are the ones I said "yes" to. My point is, know your self worth and don't settle for someone below your standards. Demand the best and expect the best a man has to offer- his total commitement and love! Stand up beautiful Black Sister- take your power back.
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Can you create your own thread to explain all this? :lol:
How did the marriages end? Divorces?
 
OP, whatever you decide y'all don't need to be living with each other. Get some space to think and breathe. If he's not ready to get married, you don't need to be living with him.
 
intergalacticartist said:
Where is Bunny77 when you need her? LOL


I was seriously looking for her e-opinion though :sekret:
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Who me? :lol:

I've been working all day... and still hanging out on LHCF when I didn't need to be! :sekret:


I really agree with what everyone said and what the OP recognized. There's too much happening here... he proposes, doesn't set a date, then says it's because he cheated. Wow, talk about multiple ways to lose my trust, you know?

I think he's also content with no reason to change as long as they are living together. The first thing I would do would be to get him to move out. I probably would move on as well, but it might take a while for the OP to make that choice. But I would move him out as soon as possible -- you can't think clearly while you're still living with the man!
 
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I just want to send you well wishes OP. As the song goes" all the things that we accept be the things that we regret"
 
Yup. I need him to go so I can think clearly. I'll miss him and he'll miss me, but it has to happen.
 
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***UPDATE***

Thanks again everybody.

So I went home yesterday and told him I wanted to talk. I told him that I didn't feel secure in our relationship first because of the delay in marriage, second because of the cheating. He asked me what I wanted him to do, and I told him that I think he should move out. He still doesn't want to leave, but he said he doesn't want to stand in my way and if he needs to work on his issues, then he will. I told him to be out by the end of January - so....yeah, that's that.

I don't know what will happen from here, but I told him something had to change - and him leaving is the first step.

I never knew support from a bunch of women I've never even met could mean so much! I love you guys for that! Thank you.

:grouphug2:
 
Well.. I'm just going to flat out say.

He is cheating on you BEFORE you are married and you are still considering marrying him? Do you honestly feel like he will change? If I were you I would not invest another minute with this man. He is obvioulsly wasting your time. He knows that you are "soft" (as you put it) so he is playing on that.
 
Good for you, girl! Now, how are you going to manage not letting all those loving feelings creep back in between now and then? He's going to act like an angel to try to break you. Do you have separate rooms?

You need to get something in writing if you truly want him to leave.

I still think you are being too nice, but I wish you so much luck. :-)


Know your worth.
 
E girl....Forget that ninja. We should hook up, hang out with some LM and non-LM folk like old times. You need to get out and have fun around this time.

Starting off the new year fresh sounds like a GREAT thing to do.

If you think he can gain your trust again then maybe it can work out in the long run but you'll probably always be looking over your shoulder soo.....

You're beautiful, sweet, funny, and gainfully employed...so moving on would be in your favor.
 
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sunshinelady said:
Good for you, girl! Now, how are you going to manage not letting all those loving feelings creep back in between now and then? He's going to act like an angel to try to break you. Do you have separate rooms?
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Yep, this 30-day thing is still a concern for me. He needs to go ASAP!

NYAmicas said:
Hers and Jersey with the Madea AVatar.:grin:
The other posters gave great support and advice to Eclass though.
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I've been waiting for her to light up a cig in here long time! :lachen:

(Good to see you're ok Eclass)
 
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