Should I break up with my "fiance"?

[msdeevee]

I applaud you for addressing the issue but....30 days from now is a long time to deal when you are emotionally invested in a person .

I'm with the other women that feel that in that time he will worm his way back into your good graces and you will wind up on the same roller-coaster you've been on for the next 5 years.

In my best Uncle Joe voice "don't do it Mabel!!"

As mentioned before I have been there done that, break up to make up.

Don't let us make up your mind for you if you still love this man and want to be with him do that, maybe you're not ready yet. I wasn't despite all the clues and finding all the evidence but when it finally hit me that I was wasting my life and loving someone that didn't love me enough I couldn't wait to get home I called him from a pay phone to say this is it, I'm out and I've never looked back.

Now, I'm married to someone that loves me enough, if I stayed with that other fool I would have missed out on my real marriage.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

I applaud you for addressing the issue but....30 days from now is a long time to deal when you are emotionally invested in a person .

I'm with the other women that feel that in that time he will worm his way back into your good graces and you will wind up on the same roller-coaster you've been on for the next 5 years.

In my best Uncle Joe voice "don't do it Mabel!!"

As mentioned before I have been there done that, break up to make up.

Don't let us make up your mind for you if you still love this man and want to be with him do that, maybe you're not ready yet. I wasn't despite all the clues and finding all the evidence but when it finally hit me that I was wasting my life and loving someone that didn't love me enough I couldn't wait to get home I called him from a pay phone to say this is it, I'm out and I've never looked back.

Now, I'm married to someone that loves me enough, if I stayed with that other fool I would have missed out on my real marriage.

Gosh...I love hearing stories like this. By ex cheated on me back in 2007 and continued through early 2009. I walked away finally and now I am with someone that loves me like I never knew possible.

There's hope on the other side. I wont be afraid to walk away from a dead situation again.

 

[DDTexlaxed]

Remember how miserable you are. How he broke the love and trust before you married him. I can't remember who said it, but it was if a person shows you who he is the first time, don't forget it. You deserve to be happy and feel secure in your relationship. He knows he screwed it up and wants to work on your good graces by promising change. He couldn't even be faithful before marriage and in doing so he disrespected you. Move on with your life. You will be fine!

 

[Lola28]

Well I'm happy he is leaving,would've been more happy if it were in the next two weeks. But I know this is probably a huge step for you stepping out of your comfort zone. So what we need is a game plan. I like the idea of the separate rooms,if not make him sleep on the couch. You have to be a tough cookie from here on out. Not nasty but tough. If not girl,he'll reel you back in and we all will be reading another one of your threads referencing this one...

 

[indarican]

you need to sit down and really think if you want to be with a man who can put you second in his life. Who can look you dead in the eye and lie with no immediate remorse. you need to think if this will affect your ability to trust him again. are you going to think he is cheating the next time he takes to long at the grocery store. Every time he stares off into space are you going to think he is thinking about another woman? even though you may love him and it may be hard to see yourself without him it may be even worse to torture yourself by staying with him.

 

[michelle81]

EClass, did I see you mention earlier that both properties are in your name?

If so, what do you plan to do about that?

 

[onyxdreams]

I totally agree with the laides and all the point they have made. I think often men say things at the moment knowing they can convince us later of another reality.If he said he was leaving he needs to do just that.I'm not trying to tell you what to do ,so i can only advise you on what I would do.I would let hime leave you were very young when you met him and your young now.Restart your life, it was very wise to have your property in your name.I guarantee he will come back when you least expect it.

I think as women we are very forgiving because we love our men, what we need to do is have them love and respect us.They needs to know that what you say isn't something They can over look. Take this time to rediscover yourself,you might be surprised.

 

[Kerryann]

Noooo I can't do that!!! Plus I already checked with the law and that would be an illegal eviction

Girl im so sorry to hear this but at least he told you now than a couple more years and a disease down the line. Be thankful it was only 4 yrs granted it was a lot.

As for the changing the locks thing do it if he wont call the cops. OT but i change the locks 3 days in a row on my ex and he broke it then change the locks on my and gave me a copy on the new keys not to mention call the cops on me and it was 5yrs and 2 kids later so be lucky no kids involved
Oh yeah he finally said he would leave and he stayed away for a couple days and i changed the locks again

Do whatever makes you comfortable and maybe you do need a change i always say never regret the time you spent with someone because they were just there to keep you company until the right person comes along

 

[Kerryann]

I think you should tell him to stay at someone elses place and put his stuff in storage until he find someplace else because son son is going to trip and weasel his way back in . The end of January is a long time and i would also suggest you stay extremely busy out of the house until he leaves if u really are going to make him stay that long

 

[MrsAriannaAmbers]

E girl....Forget that ninja. We should hook up, hang out with some LM and non-LM folk like old times. You need to get out and have fun around this time.

Starting off the new year fresh sounds like a GREAT thing to do.

If you think he can gain your trust again then maybe it can work out in the long run but you'll probably always be looking over your shoulder soo.....

You're beautiful, sweet, funny, and gainfully employed...so moving on would be in your favor.

This summed everything up...as best as could be....New Year New You...this is a new decade and some ish should be left behind....and time for you to get out and have fun....this won't be easy *will be plenty of crying/doubting* but once he leaves you will feel refreshed and ready to move on by then...plus you got us here online to motivate/support you and like I tell all my gurls...

Your Awesome!
You've got so much going for yourself!
Love, Love yourself more than anyone else!
Its about what you want and this ain't it....

Shoot, do we need to make a Diva trip to your place at the end of January? Gurl, just imagine his face when he come to the house and see a bunch of black women turn your house back into a bachelorette pad w/ all his stuff mailed to his family house...

 

[Eclass215]

This summed everything up...as best as could be....New Year New You...this is a new decade and some ish should be left behind....and time for you to get out and have fun....this won't be easy *will be plenty of crying/doubting* but once he leaves you will feel refreshed and ready to move on by then...plus you got us here online to motivate/support you and like I tell all my gurls...

Your Awesome!
You've got so much going for yourself!
Love, Love yourself more than anyone else!
Its about what you want and this ain't it....

Shoot, do we need to make a Diva trip to your place at the end of January? Gurl, just imagine his face when he come to the house and see a bunch of black women turn your house back into a bachelorette pad w/ all his stuff mailed to his family house...

OMG! He would be so scared he wouldn't know what to do!!!
I don't think that's is called for just yet, but there will be another post if it is!!!

Thank you!

 

[Theo]

He needs to move out so you can have space to figure out what you want.

girl, kick him OUT.

*even if you're having second thoughts, kicking him out won't necessarily end your relationship. It will just give you the space to figure out if you really want to end your relationship.

Also, he told you he's a cheater. Cheaters are not marriage material....

Why are you thinking about this again?

 

[mizbtown2]

End of January?

I was thinking the end of December - as in tomorrow.

January will lead to February and so on. He's comfortable where he is, as he is; however, he told you he wasn't ready and that he cheated for a reason. He cares for you and doesn't want to hurt you by marrying you.

 

[Sosoothing]

I know its confusing right now but at the very least, I think you two need to break up. One of your needs to move out ASAP. You really need time to be by yourself and see where God leads you. When you remove yourself from a relationship like this for a while, its amazing how clearer things can get. Among other things, he has wasted enough of your time and was unfaithful on top of that.

 

[fatimablush]

I will not tell you what to do because you need to decide what you can tolerate in your family life. I will share what my favorite aunt told me about a cheating situation: "Get the other woman's address and send her flowers because she showed you the kind of man you almost married."

I'm sure that you know this but men will buy a "shut her up" ring and never set a date. It happens all the time. I know a few women who had engagement rings after years of dating with no date set and they never married the guy who gave them the ring.

I love that...

 

[SqrpioQutie]

OP, good move...

for those giving her grief on the 30 days, did yall see the part about unlawful eviction?... it's not a choice thing... she can put the pressure on but legally, if he has established residence there, she has to give him the proper notice....

 

[Renewed1]

Please kick that man out NOW!!! I would give him until the end of the week and some motel money......get rid of him.

 

[msdeevee]

Please kick that man out NOW!!! I would give him until the end of the week and some motel money......get rid of him.

You would give ole' boy motel money?

He didn't need motel money when he hooked up with Miss Candy.

No that wasn't nice. I wonder what happened to eclass though.

Hope she's ok.

 

[Eclass215]

Hey ladies. I'm good. It's been an emotionally draining week but nothing has changed. He's leaving at the end of the month. I am just trying to stay focused on me right now and ready to move on.

When he finally leaves I'll definitely post an update. This is gonna be long month - but it's fine.

 

[SelahOco]

You are killing me over here!!

Hmm....now you're making me think too.......

She's telling you the truth. He cares for you, and he loves this life and you're a good woman. Why would he leave you? He feels bad but if you don't demonstrate what you will and will NOT put up with, he won't learn his lesson.

This is very good advice a man gave me once. When I finally listened things really changed in my own relationship.

OP you can forgive him and still put him out. If you want to put him out - do it. Sometimes space and time is just what you need. Don't swallow your emotions b/c you're comfortable with him though.

He can afford to move out, so let him. He'll be back if you want him most likely. And if he don't, I will ...it's a recession and you own two houses! Girl balling yalllll........

 

[RadiantBeauty]

Hey ladies. I'm good. It's been an emotionally draining week but nothing has changed. He's leaving at the end of the month. I am just trying to stay focused on me right now and ready to move on.

When he finally leaves I'll definitely post an update. This is gonna be long month - but it's fine.

*at the bolded*

 

[Eclass215]

She's telling you the truth. He cares for you, and he loves this life and you're a good woman. Why would he leave you? He feels bad but if you don't demonstrate what you will and will NOT put up with, he won't learn his lesson.

This is very good advice a man gave me once. When I finally listened things really changed in my own relationship.

OP you can forgive him and still put him out. If you want to put him out - do it. Sometimes space and time is just what you need. Don't swallow your emotions b/c you're comfortable with him though.

He can afford to move out, so let him. He'll be back if you want him most likely. And if he don't, I will ...it's a recession and you own two houses! Girl balling yalllll........

You don't even know - that was a main part of the reason I didn't want him to leave!! Shoot - I can use all the help I can get, but not at the expense of my happiness...I guess

 

[hopeful]

How are you doing Eclass?

 

[Preezie]

Only you know what is best for you, but the fact that he told you that he cheated shows that he does have some integrity. I'm not so quick to throw relationships away, but only you know your breaking point.

 

[Eclass215]

Thanks for asking Hopeful.

Well - I know what I said before, but we've done a lot of talking since then. I mean A LOT! I'm talked out - and I love to talk so that is saying something. I decided to let him stay. He agreed to go to counseling with me, so we'll see how that goes. I don't know what the future holds for either of us, but I am just praying on it and we'll see what happens.

Crazy thing is, last weekend - two days before we finally made the decision to stay together, I met another man. And let me tell you - I was very intrigued
From the first meeting I could tell he was special - and we definitely had a connection. I told him about my situation (and he's in a similar one with calling off a wedding) so we both knew where we stood. But.....man I told him we'd keep in touch because we never know what could happen. And I'm telling you, if me and my boyfriend (we're not engaged at this point - baby steps) don't work out, he will be the first man I decide to date (if he's available). I think it was good to meet someone that I actually could see myself liking and wanting to know better, it gave me hope.....but the feelings for my BF aren't gone, obviously - so it wouldn't work right now anyway.

I just want to give my BF another chance and see if we can make it work. I love him too much not to try, and I know he loves me - we just have some issues to work out. I have a plan and a time table, so if it works, it works - if it doesn't....on to the next one. I know God laughs at my plans

I do thank everybody here for their opinons and advice. Matters of the heart are NOT easy to deal with, so I definitely weighed all my options. I'm glad I got it out and had time to think, but I'm comfortable in my decision at this point.

Now if it doesn't work out, I know I'll hear the "I told you so's" - but I can take it. I'm a big girl!

Thanks ladies :Rose::Rose::Rose:

 

[deltadreamland]

Wishing you the best.

 

[brownelovely]

I hope everything works out for you! Good luck

 

[princessnad]

Wishing you the best but hoping you prepare for the worst. Set a timeline and don't deviate from it because 6 more months can turn into 6 more years. And read SummerRain's thread on single until you are married.

 

[beaux cheveux]

Read the OP not reading the comments yet, will read further...
But first thought that came to my mind:
I'm kinda pissed that he wasted your time.erplexed
I mean, you were 23 when you met him and now you're 28, this sucka proposed to you when you were about 24? Correct? He knew all along he wasn't ready for marriage, and yet he strung you along? WTH? Sorry, I'm kinda feeling upset for you.
Jumped the gun: Read your recent post and you decided to stay with him. I hope things work out for you. It is also good that you are keeping your options open, very smart. Also a great move on your part that you two are seeking counseling. I wish you the very best!

 

[cookie1]

Thanks for asking Hopeful.

Well - I know what I said before, but we've done a lot of talking since then. I mean A LOT! I'm talked out - and I love to talk so that is saying something. I decided to let him stay. He agreed to go to counseling with me, so we'll see how that goes. I don't know what the future holds for either of us, but I am just praying on it and we'll see what happens.

Crazy thing is, last weekend - two days before we finally made the decision to stay together, I met another man. And let me tell you - I was very intrigued
From the first meeting I could tell he was special - and we definitely had a connection. I told him about my situation (and he's in a similar one with calling off a wedding) so we both knew where we stood. But.....man I told him we'd keep in touch because we never know what could happen. And I'm telling you, if me and my boyfriend (we're not engaged at this point - baby steps) don't work out, he will be the first man I decide to date (if he's available). I think it was good to meet someone that I actually could see myself liking and wanting to know better, it gave me hope.....but the feelings for my BF aren't gone, obviously - so it wouldn't work right now anyway.

I just want to give my BF another chance and see if we can make it work. I love him too much not to try, and I know he loves me - we just have some issues to work out. I have a plan and a time table, so if it works, it works - if it doesn't....on to the next one. I know God laughs at my plans

I do thank everybody here for their opinons and advice. Matters of the heart are NOT easy to deal with, so I definitely weighed all my options. I'm glad I got it out and had time to think, but I'm comfortable in my decision at this point.

Now if it doesn't work out, I know I'll hear the "I told you so's" - but I can take it. I'm a big girl!

Thanks ladies :Rose::Rose::Rose:

Eclass, go for it! Make sure you've forgiven him because you won't be able to move on if you don't. It takes a while to be able to move forward so, please give yourself time. If after some months you don't feel like you want to move on then stop it no matter what because at that point your gut is trying to talk to you. If you see things looking up and you're feeling good about your decision- then make the best of it. Everyone makes mistakes and it up to you to forgive (we never forget) and get over it. We all want YOU to be okay so many of us may say leave but, not many of us would do the same either. It won't hurt to tuff it out because who's the say the next guy wouldn't do it? Well, I wish you the best!