He wants to 'color'/luv u down.. u want to.....

[LilMissRed]

...................SLEEP!!!

ok ladies, I kinda checked before posting this so if its already been discussed, please pardon the duplicate question and point me in the direction of that post cause I need advice please & thanks..

This is kinda long but please read to get my jist

I have a dilema... my hubby wants to color/love me down constantly and I'm not complaining by any means, BUT what I cant get him to understand is that I'm TIRED at the end of my day! I think he takes it personally and isnt being considerate of my feelings.. u tell me what u think.

Here was my schedule for yesterday (I do this 2x per week, the other days I'm cooking, laundry etc for the household)

-wake up @ 5:15am... I always make sure the kitchen/bedroom are clean before I leave for work

-I get myself and our 2 yr old ready to leave the house no later than 645am

-@ 715am I call the house to make sure my other 2 kids are up and ready for school

- 745 I arrive at work and stay until 430-5pm

- arrive home to get the older kids ready to go to soccer practice from 6pm-730 (my son stays until 830 but I dont wait for him-ex hubby brings him home)

- stayed at the soccer fields so the lil one could play at the playground while my dd practiced

- walmart- quick run for Pull-ups-yes we're potty training erplexed

- after my dds practice I head down to another soccer park to drop off a check for dd's uniform and to meet another teammate of my sons mom who's agreed that we can carpool-YAY!

- after a quick run to Micky D's for my dd we head home

-I hit the door running as usual..

-bathtime for the lil one, dinner and snuggle time for her-she wont allow anyone else to put her to bed for whatever reason

- roughly 10pm I can finally eat, shower and try to wind down

-11 ish... I'm ready for bed and dead tired, BUT

.......... HUBBY WANTS TO LOVE ME DOWN ......................

I say Im tired and I can see that he has an obvious 'tude BUT I eventually give in and let him do his thing .. in my mind Im thinking the sooner he gets his.. the faster I can go to sleep!

This morning while getting ready for work.. he mentions last nite... he asks if hes asking too much of me? I tell him he shud be more considerate of my schedule, my day and all that I do thru out my day. He left this morning without giving me a kiss goodbye.. so I guess hes still got a 'tude


AM I WRONG??? IS HE???
(yes, I'm fully aware of the saying 'where u wont, another one will'. Ive also in the past suggested that he help me out in the evenings with all that I do/all that expected of me, and he starts out helping, but slowly but surely.. it all falls back on me)

Have u been in this type situation and how'd u balance things out to work for everyone??

 

[qchelle]

Good God woman!! I read your schedule and I'm not married, but I just HAD to comment! You wake up at 5:15am and go to bed @ 11pm?! And you stillll do other ish after you get in bed?!?! Good God! I would be DEAD to the world!! If my day was like that everyday (or 2x a week as you said) the only way my man would get some is if he did it while I was asleep!

I have no advice. Like I said, I'm not married. (and this ish right here...this is a marriage deterrent! You said he doesn't help?! Lawd I just HAD to comment once I read your schedule.

You're an excellent wife and mommy though!! I commend you for your STRENGTH and put-up-with-ness (yea I made it up)!!

Hopefully the married ladies will chime in. Even I can't wait for the responses

 

[Mai Tai]

I'm not married so take my advice with a grain of salt...Here is my take on things...

ALL of your free time centers around your kids. I mean there is not one thing that you do after work that doesn't involve your kids. I know it sounds wrong, but you HAVE to find a way to make time for your husband and yourself.

I do not think he is wrong for expressing his needs, however you need to constantly remind him that you need help. Yes, he is going to forget, so remind him again, and again, and again, and AGAIN!

I know you probably feel like "Well shouldn't he remind himself to help me, I mean he helped me make these kids?" But the truth is that if you feel overwhelmed and expect him to automatically step in, you will set yourself up for dissapointment. He cannot read your mind.

If you help him help you, you will be less overwhelmed and tired at the end of the day, and he willnot feel sexually ignored.

Hope this helps.

 

[MD_Lady]

Maybe I missed something, but it seems like you're taking care of everything. Has DH offered to "help"? It seems like you'd have more energy for intimacy (unless this is a "drive" issue) if you weren't solely/primarily responsible for all of the errands and chores. He also has to realize that he has to do more to facilitate intimacy than merely asking for it.

ETA: I just saw this in the OP:

...(yes, I'm fully aware of the saying 'where u wont, another one will'. Ive also in the past suggested that he help me out in the evenings with all that I do/all that expected of me, and he starts out helping, but slowly but surely.. it all falls back on me)

Have u been in this type situation and how'd u balance things out to work for everyone??

Your DH is just going to have to get and STAY with the program. The reality is that we can't feel like we have the freedom to make demands on our spouses and have our needs met while turning a deaf ear to theirs. As far as his "attitude" goes, I sure you have one too after doing all that running with no help!!! Your DH has to realize that he isn't the only one with feelings and needs and become skilled in the art of reciprocity. BTW, as far as "where you won't, another one will" goes, if someone can say that about you and your lack of intimacy, they can also say that about your DH and his lack of reciprocity so let's not go "there" for either party.

 

[metro_qt]

Well, it seems to me that you have a problem saying NO.
(not to your husband, but to all the duties that have been placed on you)
You are shouldering the brunt of your children's extra curricular activities, and you haven't mentioned yet what HE does from the hours of 5pm to 10pm on a daily basis.

If you give him specific tasks that MUST be done on those two days that you are SUPERWOMAN.... and tell him that he will definitely get his love from you by 10pm, would he be open to completing them?

You then have to be FIRM if he doesn't complete them....
or if things can be completed the next day, allow him some love, but make sure that task still gets done and remind him of the consequences, no love for the next time.
BE FIRM.

things like paying the soccer uniform cheque, etc, can all be done by him easily... and really. Why isn't HE picking up the kids...
He should at least do that 2 afternoons a week if he needs more love...

or lastly, suggest a nanny who can help you out. if He Pays for the Nanny out of his own funds, that means there's more time for you and for him.

Run these ideas past him and see how he reacts.

 

[LilMissRed]

Good God woman!! I read your schedule and I'm not married, but I just HAD to comment! You wake up at 5:15am and go to bed @ 11pm?! And you stillll do other ish after you get in bed?!?! Good God! I would be DEAD to the world!! If my day was like that everyday (or 2x a week as you said) the only way my man would get some is if he did it while I was asleep!

I have no advice. Like I said, I'm not married. (and this ish right here...this is a marriage deterrent! You said he doesn't help?! Lawd I just HAD to comment once I read your schedule.

You're an excellent wife and mommy though!! I commend you for your STRENGTH and put-up-with-ness (yea I made it up)!!

Hopefully the married ladies will chime in. Even I can't wait for the responses

TRUST.. hes gotten me in my sleep! There have been mornings when I wake up clueless as to whats happened the nite before, BUT knowing that I'd been GOT. Ive asked him to stop that mess.. it makes me feel some kinda way to be honesy smh.

'Put-up-with-ness'.. LOL consider that officially JACKED!

I'm not married so take my advice with a grain of salt...Here is my take on things...

ALL of your free time centers around your kids. I mean there is not one thing that you do after work that doesn't involve your kids. I know it sounds wrong, but you HAVE to find a way to make time for your husband and yourself.

I do not think he is wrong for expressing his needs, however you need to constantly remind him that you need help. Yes, he is going to forget, so remind him again, and again, and again, and AGAIN!

I know you probably feel like "Well shouldn't he remind himself to help me, I mean he helped me make these kids?" But the truth is that if you feel overwhelmed and expect him to automatically step in, you will set yourself up for dissapointment. He cannot read your mind.

If you help him help you, you will be less overwhelmed and tired at the end of the day, and he willnot feel sexually ignored.

Hope this helps.

I always love reading ur responses.. ur blunt & str8 to the point!

I make time for dh.. all the time... as a matter of fact I cater to this mans needs/wants to no end and I rarely turn him down for his nightly regime, BUT ur right I am overwhelmed and Ive expressed that to him before. Why shud I have to constantly remind him that things need to be done?? he lives in the same household as I do, so its kinda hard to NOT see the obvious...no??? (well obviously not huh)

Maybe I missed something, but it seems like you're taking care of everything. Has DH offered to "help"? It seems like you'd have more energy for intimacy (unless this is a "drive" issue) if you weren't solely/primarily responsible for all of the errands and chores. He also has to realize that he has to do more to facilitate intimacy than merely asking for it.

I DO take care of everything for the most part. I really dont mind the errannds etc, but I do EVERYTHING.. shop, cook, clean, the kids, HIM.... He always says he'll help me more, but in reality.. he doesnt. My hubby is like my 4th child! I'm to the point and mindset of 'Why bother? and I dont need this' mess. I dont want to be >>there<< but I'm there truthfully

Ladies, I didnt even mention that he doesnt do the simplest thing which really burns my last nerve, he gets off work earlier than me, he passes right by our dd's daycare, BUT he will call me and say ' 'Can u pick up the baby? I'm tired and I wanna go home and relax.' His relaxing time is the P3 or the internet bs. In the meantime.. I leave work, grab the baby then go home and start whatever it is for the day.. I leave my F/T day job and go home to yet another F/T job.. atleast at work I get some assistance... at home I dont. I cant even get him to take anything out for dinner.

 

[MD_Lady]

Originally Posted by MD_Lady
Maybe I missed something, but it seems like you're taking care of everything. Has DH offered to "help"? It seems like you'd have more energy for intimacy (unless this is a "drive" issue) if you weren't solely/primarily responsible for all of the errands and chores. He also has to realize that he has to do more to facilitate intimacy than merely asking for it.

I DO take care of everything for the most part. I really dont mind the errannds etc, but I do EVERYTHING.. shop, cook, clean, the kids, HIM.... He always says he'll help me more, but in reality.. he doesnt. My hubby is like my 4th child! I'm to the point and mindset of 'Why bother? and I dont need this' mess. I dont want to be >>there<< but I'm there truthfully


Ladies, I didnt even mention that he doesnt do the simplest thing which really burns my last nerve, he gets off work earlier than me, he passes right by our dd's daycare, BUT he will call me and say ' 'Can u pick up the baby? I'm tired and I wanna go home and relax.' His relaxing time is the P3 or the internet bs. In the meantime.. I leave work, grab the baby then go home and start whatever it is for the day.. I leave my F/T day job and go home to yet another F/T job.. atleast at work I get some assistance... at home I dont. I cant even get him to take anything out for dinner.

What happens when you say "Can you? I'm tired and want to go home and relax so I can be ready for later eyebrows2)"?

 

[snillohsss]

I hear everything you're saying, but honestly, I would have done it. Its been quite a few times when I've been dead tired after being with the kids all day, but I muster up some energy and get it in!

 

[dlewis]

First of all I don't even apply this to my relationship

I'm fully aware of the saying 'where u wont, another one will'

.

If he's going screw around on you because if this screw him.

 

[dlewis]

After reading your schedule I see you have to much on your plate. What is he doing? Does he do outside chores? Why can't he stay with the kids at soccer practice? Does he work a different schedule?

I def understand not getting the sex you feel you need will make anyone grumpy. People in relationships need sex.

I would not let my husband touch me if I were that tired. He would have to do more to help me out.

Maybe you can let your ex do more? But if your ex is not doing your husband should be. When he married you he knew you had kids and that he would have to help out.

 

[qchelle]

TRUST.. hes gotten me in my sleep! There have been mornings when I wake up clueless as to whats happened the nite before, BUT knowing that I'd been GOT. Ive asked him to stop that mess.. it makes me feel some kinda way to be honesy smh.

'Put-up-with-ness'.. LOL consider that officially JACKED!



I always love reading ur responses.. ur blunt & str8 to the point!

I make time for dh.. all the time... as a matter of fact I cater to this mans needs/wants to no end and I rarely turn him down for his nightly regime, BUT ur right I am overwhelmed and Ive expressed that to him before. Why shud I have to constantly remind him that things need to be done?? he lives in the same household as I do, so its kinda hard to NOT see the obvious...no??? (well obviously not huh)



I DO take care of everything for the most part. I really dont mind the errannds etc, but I do EVERYTHING.. shop, cook, clean, the kids, HIM.... He always says he'll help me more, but in reality.. he doesnt. My hubby is like my 4th child! I'm to the point and mindset of 'Why bother? and I dont need this' mess. I dont want to be >>there<< but I'm there truthfully

Ladies, I didnt even mention that he doesnt do the simplest thing which really burns my last nerve, he gets off work earlier than me, he passes right by our dd's daycare, BUT he will call me and say ' 'Can u pick up the baby? I'm tired and I wanna go home and relax.' His relaxing time is the P3 or the internet bs. In the meantime.. I leave work, grab the baby then go home and start whatever it is for the day.. I leave my F/T day job and go home to yet another F/T job.. atleast at work I get some assistance... at home I dont. I cant even get him to take anything out for dinner.

Gurrrrrrlllll pleassseeeee!!!!!! Say WHAT?!?!!
I was just about to ask you what exactly does he do? He gets off of work, goes home and sits down?! omg....
And you get off of work, and do EVERYTHING?! Everything though?
For all of that, I'd be like *** it and quit my job (this is probably unrealistic...I'm just so amazed). I'd just be a stay at home mom...cause all of that ain't fair.

It always amazes me when I hear about women being actual superwomen. Working AND taking care of the household etc etc etc. While the men just work. As this was NOT my reality growing up. My parents split everything....

I hope you find a solution!

 

[dlewis]

Ladies, I didnt even mention that he doesnt do the simplest thing which really burns my last nerve, he gets off work earlier than me, he passes right by our dd's daycare, BUT he will call me and say ' 'Can u pick up the baby? I'm tired and I wanna go home and relax.' His relaxing time is the P3 or the internet bs. In the meantime.. I leave work, grab the baby then go home and start whatever it is for the day.. I leave my F/T day job and go home to yet another F/T job.. atleast at work I get some assistance... at home I dont. I cant even get him to take anything out for dinner.

Seems like you have to put your foot down and word it in a way that makes him want to help.

You call home "Honey, take out the chicken, preheat the oven, pick up the baby so that we can have time for some good lovin tonight". All sweet and nice.

 

[dlewis]

Well, it seems to me that you have a problem saying NO.
(not to your husband, but to all the duties that have been placed on you)
You are shouldering the brunt of your children's extra curricular activities, and you haven't mentioned yet what HE does from the hours of 5pm to 10pm on a daily basis.

If you give him specific tasks that MUST be done on those two days that you are SUPERWOMAN.... and tell him that he will definitely get his love from you by 10pm, would he be open to completing them?

You then have to be FIRM if he doesn't complete them....
or if things can be completed the next day, allow him some love, but make sure that task still gets done and remind him of the consequences, no love for the next time.
BE FIRM.

things like paying the soccer uniform cheque, etc, can all be done by him easily... and really. Why isn't HE picking up the kids...
He should at least do that 2 afternoons a week if he needs more love...

or lastly, suggest a nanny who can help you out. if He Pays for the Nanny out of his own funds, that means there's more time for you and for him.

Run these ideas past him and see how he reacts.

I learned years ago I need to make lists for my husband of he'll forget. I rarely forget anything I need to do. He needs to be doing more and get his butt off that couch and away from those video games.

I can't tell you how much I HATE to see a grown man playing those stupid games.

 

[dlewis]

TRUST.. hes gotten me in my sleep! There have been mornings when I wake up clueless as to whats happened the nite before, BUT knowing that I'd been GOT. Ive asked him to stop that mess.. it makes me feel some kinda way to be honesy smh.

'Put-up-with-ness'.. LOL consider that officially JACKED!

That's some of the best sex to have.

I bet you enjoyed it.

 

[eyunka]

This sounds like my schedule and this also sounds like this could be my husband. I have not read the other responses yet but I never found a solution. Yes i talked to him about helping and yeah he would do it for a little bit and then back on me. Its easier now only because my kids are teens. They do for themselves. Sorry i don't have a solution but just know you aren't alone in this.

...................SLEEP!!!

ok ladies, I kinda checked before posting this so if its already been discussed, please pardon the duplicate question and point me in the direction of that post cause I need advice please & thanks..

This is kinda long but please read to get my jist

I have a dilema... my hubby wants to color/love me down constantly and I'm not complaining by any means, BUT what I cant get him to understand is that I'm TIRED at the end of my day! I think he takes it personally and isnt being considerate of my feelings.. u tell me what u think.

Here was my schedule for yesterday (I do this 2x per week, the other days I'm cooking, laundry etc for the household)

-wake up @ 5:15am... I always make sure the kitchen/bedroom are clean before I leave for work

-I get myself and our 2 yr old ready to leave the house no later than 645am

-@ 715am I call the house to make sure my other 2 kids are up and ready for school

- 745 I arrive at work and stay until 430-5pm

- arrive home to get the older kids ready to go to soccer practice from 6pm-730 (my son stays until 830 but I dont wait for him-ex hubby brings him home)

- stayed at the soccer fields so the lil one could play at the playground while my dd practiced

- walmart- quick run for Pull-ups-yes we're potty training erplexed

- after my dds practice I head down to another soccer park to drop off a check for dd's uniform and to meet another teammate of my sons mom who's agreed that we can carpool-YAY!

- after a quick run to Micky D's for my dd we head home

-I hit the door running as usual..

-bathtime for the lil one, dinner and snuggle time for her-she wont allow anyone else to put her to bed for whatever reason

- roughly 10pm I can finally eat, shower and try to wind down

-11 ish... I'm ready for bed and dead tired, BUT

.......... HUBBY WANTS TO LOVE ME DOWN ......................

I say Im tired and I can see that he has an obvious 'tude BUT I eventually give in and let him do his thing .. in my mind Im thinking the sooner he gets his.. the faster I can go to sleep!

This morning while getting ready for work.. he mentions last nite... he asks if hes asking too much of me? I tell him he shud be more considerate of my schedule, my day and all that I do thru out my day. He left this morning without giving me a kiss goodbye.. so I guess hes still got a 'tude


AM I WRONG??? IS HE???
(yes, I'm fully aware of the saying 'where u wont, another one will'. Ive also in the past suggested that he help me out in the evenings with all that I do/all that expected of me, and he starts out helping, but slowly but surely.. it all falls back on me)

Have u been in this type situation and how'd u balance things out to work for everyone??

 

[dlewis]

I'm wondering if he was like this before you had the baby? Also, who's idea was it to have the last baby, just curious about that?

This is the very reason why I will not have anymore kids.

 

[gabulldawg]

I don't even know what to say about this. My DH and I are still in the newleywed phase, but I found it important early on to let him know what I expect of him. Yes, I am the wife, and I know that a lot of the duties around the house are my responsibility, BUT I do expect him to help out when he can. There's no way I would be doing all that you do. What are his hours for work?? Is there no way he could help out more? And it seems like he's not doing much because you don't hold him accountable. If he started slipping in his duties I would nicely remind him everyday if I have to until helping out becomes a habit for him.

When our baby gets here he knows that I expect him to help out with her as much as I do. I'm not going to be the only one changing/feeding/diapering/bathing/etc. But he has also expressed and shown that he wants to be hands on. So I'm going to let him.

I don't know if I helped at all, but just thought I'd share some thoughts...

 

[PeanutButterandHoney]

LilMiss,

I say this with all the love in the world...
You are digging yourself in an early grave.
You are doing WAY TOO MUCH!

I say, before and after dinner, delegate your kids to that kitchen, and if it doesn't get done..oh freaking' well.. i never ever seen a tombstone that read "she kept a really good kitchen"

Meals: crockpot them or learn "set it and forget it"/oven made meals
How about DH cook? What is he doing when he gets off?

Do you know any parents of the soccer team? maybe you guys can design a carpooling system where you won't have to drive them every day?

I think it is a shame you are working yourself so hard you can't even enjoy the intimacy your union has afforded you, etc. You don't even get a chance to watch a show with DH or to talk/ask him how was his day

Y are you having so much trouble asking your husband to share household duties. You can't shouldnt do it all by yourself.
When do you have time to DC/workout/take a warm bath?

 

[LadyPBC]

Good God woman!! I read your schedule and I'm not married, but I just HAD to comment! You wake up at 5:15am and go to bed @ 11pm?! And you stillll do other ish after you get in bed?!?! Good God! I would be DEAD to the world!! If my day was like that everyday (or 2x a week as you said) the only way my man would get some is if he did it while I was asleep!

I have no advice. Like I said, I'm not married. (and this ish right here...this is a marriage deterrent! You said he doesn't help?! Lawd I just HAD to comment once I read your schedule.

You're an excellent wife and mommy though!! I commend you for your STRENGTH and put-up-with-ness (yea I made it up)!!

Hopefully the married ladies will chime in. Even I can't wait for the responses

WOW - ur like Superwoman LOL - If I was gay I would try to marry you. Just kidding - seems like you have a wonderful family you all just need to make a few adjustments. BTW I'm not married - speaking as a divorcee'.

TRUST.. hes gotten me in my sleep! There have been mornings when I wake up clueless as to whats happened the nite before, BUT knowing that I'd been GOT. Ive asked him to stop that mess.. it makes me feel some kinda way to be honesy smh.



Ladies, I didnt even mention that he doesnt do the simplest thing which really burns my last nerve, he gets off work earlier than me, he passes right by our dd's daycare, BUT he will call me and say ' 'Can u pick up the baby? I'm tired and I wanna go home and relax.' His relaxing time is the P3 or the internet bs. In the meantime.. I leave work, grab the baby then go home and start whatever it is for the day.. I leave my F/T day job and go home to yet another F/T job.. atleast at work I get some assistance... at home I dont. I cant even get him to take anything out for dinner.

This is where some real adjustments have to be made. He sounds a little less considerate than he could be (no offense) then makes you feel like you're being selfish when he needs you at night. I'm like you I hate to repeat myself especially when something has been discussed, is so obvious and/or makes so much sense. Something has got to give. Maybe you can draft a list of chores each day - like they do on the tv shows (The Nanny, Swapping Wives) - each must be accomplished before the big finale (it ain't biblical but ...)!

 

[dlewis]

LilMiss,

I say this with all the love in the world...
You are digging yourself in an early grave.
You are doing WAY TOO MUCH!

I say, before and after dinner, delegate your kids to that kitchen, and if it doesn't get done..oh freaking' well.. i never ever seen a tombstone that read "she kept a really good kitchen"

Meals: crockpot them or learn "set it and forget it"/oven made meals
How about DH cook? What is he doing when he gets off?

Do you know any parents of the soccer team? maybe you guys can design a carpooling system where you won't have to drive them every day?

I think it is a shame you are working yourself so hard you can't even enjoy the intimacy your union has afforded you, etc. You don't even get a chance to watch a show with DH or to talk/ask him how was his day

Y are you having so much trouble asking your husband to share household duties. You can't shouldnt do it all by yourself.
When do you have time to DC/workout/take a warm bath?

I don't know what the kdis are doing but if they don't have chores, find some for them.

A crockpot will save your life. Also, cooking in the morning. It's easy to get up put your chicken in one pan, veggies in another and bake them at the same time and be done. Cook something quick to go with it when you get home and this it.

In ref to the bolded, I've always been funny about people picking up my kids. Me or Dh would have to be there the entire time. But why can't their father do more?

 

[PeanutButterandHoney]

^ I agree.. one of my BFFs does this and I can't for the life of me understand why she is running herself to an early grave...

I made beef stew in the crock yesterday and we will have it until its gone. i just boil some corn , made some brown rice and some blueberry muffins and we home free.

I also like oven based meals.
My fav is baked chicken with yellow rice and veggies (all done in the oven.. I just add the rice and veggies [with 1.5 cups water and some melted butter] the last 25 minutes of of the chicken getting done)

You can do ribs, fish, meatloaf, even hamburgers in the oven.. nothing like oven roasted veggies n potatoes too.

I am wondering does OP ever tell her husband about what he needs to do.
I don't call it "helping out".. i call it being a grown up and doing your share

 

[gabulldawg]

ITA, Zeel. I don't consider it helping out either. We are two grown people and know that things need to get done around here. I wonder if a lot of times men are pushed out of their helping role, and then when the woman realizes how hard it is she tries to get him to help out, but he's already in the habit of not helping. If that makes sense.

 

[Westend_Girl]

Ive noticed..a while back that the women that complain about things like this (being too tired, exhausted etc for sex and husband being annoyed) are USUALLY the ones that have husbands that dont help out at all or at least no where near the amount that they should

Coincidence?

 

[Mai Tai]

Seems like you have to put your foot down and word it in a way that makes him want to help.

You call home "Honey, take out the chicken, preheat the oven, pick up the baby so that we can have time for some good lovin tonight". All sweet and nice.

I am usually not a fan of using sex as a motivation/bargaining tool...buuuuuuuuuuuut...I have to agree with you on this, D.

I think this is a two part problem. On one hand we have a husband that is just not pulling his weight around the house and with the kids. He's being lazy point blank. On the other hand we have you OP, the SuperWIFE, and SuperMOM that has not said "NO!" to any of the responsibilities placed on you.

I think the issue is that us women take on all this stuff because we feel if we say "NO" then that makes us a bad mom or a bad wife. I think many of us fall into that rut that tells us "a GOOD woman does this," and "a DEDICATED Mom does that," when the truth is that we have to set out own rules for our relationships, and establish our own boundaries.

I know this is easier said then done, because again, I am not married...but, this is a time that you and your husband sit down and talk. and divide up the chores and household duties...and hold him to it.
E.g. If he's in charge of washing the dishes do not lift a finger to do them. Even if the dishes pile up for days, DO NOT DO THEM.
He wants good lovin'? Then get off the couch, make a move, and lend a hand!

He feels neglected sexually, but he has yet to realize how his laziness, and hands off attitude is contributing to his neglect.

 

[Westend_Girl]

Ladies, I didnt even mention that he doesnt do the simplest thing which really burns my last nerve, he gets off work earlier than me, he passes right by our dd's daycare, BUT he will call me and say ' 'Can u pick up the baby? I'm tired and I wanna go home and relax.' His relaxing time is the P3 or the internet bs.

and yet he can fix those lips together to ask for sex when he cant even pick the baby on his way home before you?

 

[Westend_Girl]

That's some of the best sex to have.

I bet you enjoyed it.

If you dont remember it, I doubt it can be seen as good
erplexed

 

[MD_Lady]

ITA, Zeel. I don't consider it helping out either. We are two grown people and know that things need to get done around here. I wonder if a lot of times men are pushed out of their helping role, and then when the woman realizes how hard it is she tries to get him to help out, but he's already in the habit of not helping. If that makes sense.

YES!!! I will NEVER understand what makes a person think that a woman should be modern when it's time for her to get a job (outside of the home), traditional when it's time to take care of the home, but men don't have to be flexible to meet the demands of their situation and only have to "bring home the bacon". If a woman thinks certain tasks are "her job" she really can't be surprised when her DH agrees and adjusts his behavior accordingly (after all, he's only seeing you as YOU see YOURSELF). Yes it's on the man to be fair (and have common sense, because who WOULDN'T be tired after working a 9-to-5 and then having to come home and do chores, I mean really...), but women should never act like they can do without "help" when they know they desparately need it.

 

[dlewis]

^ I agree.. one of my BFFs does this and I can't for the life of me understand why she is running herself to an early grave...

I made beef stew in the crock yesterday and we will have it until its gone. i just boil some corn , made some brown rice and some blueberry muffins and we home free.

I also like oven based meals.
My fav is baked chicken with yellow rice and veggies (all done in the oven.. I just add the rice and veggies [with 1.5 cups water and some melted butter] the last 25 minutes of of the chicken getting done)

You can do ribs, fish, meatloaf, even hamburgers in the oven.. nothing like oven roasted veggies n potatoes too.

I am wondering does OP ever tell her husband about what he needs to do.
I don't call it "helping out".. i call it being a grown up and doing your share

I agree. That burns me up, not a bad as a man saying he has the babysit his kids. Now that rubs me all kinds of wrong.

 

[LilMissRed]

I learned years ago I need to make lists for my husband of he'll forget. I rarely forget anything I need to do. He needs to be doing more and get his butt off that couch and away from those video games.

I can't tell you how much I HATE to see a grown man playing those stupid games.

THIS is me.. I rarely forget anything. Espec when it concerns my family.. I remember more of HIS stuff than he does

That's some of the best sex to have.

I bet you enjoyed it.

girl no..I probably did when it first started happening, but afterwards.. like I said I really started feeling some kinda way about it. I'd always ask him if he didnt have a problem getting 'cold' 'ish but it was def rhetorical cause obviously he was fine with it smh

I'm wondering if he was like this before you had the baby? Also, who's idea was it to have the last baby, just curious about that?

This is the very reason why I will not have anymore kids.

funny u ask that. HE wanted this baby.. he BEGGED me to have her.. I was adament that I didnt wany anymore babies.. he promised me that he'd help me out sooooo much with her... and now.. well I've added him to my list of 'kids'. I wont say that I regret her, because I love her to no end, but if I knew then what I know now.....

I don't even know what to say about this. My DH and I are still in the newleywed phase, but I found it important early on to let him know what I expect of him. Yes, I am the wife, and I know that a lot of the duties around the house are my responsibility, BUT I do expect him to help out when he can. There's no way I would be doing all that you do. What are his hours for work?? Is there no way he could help out more? And it seems like he's not doing much because you don't hold him accountable. If he started slipping in his duties I would nicely remind him everyday if I have to until helping out becomes a habit for him.

When our baby gets here he knows that I expect him to help out with her as much as I do. I'm not going to be the only one changing/feeding/diapering/bathing/etc. But he has also expressed and shown that he wants to be hands on. So I'm going to let him.

I don't know if I helped at all, but just thought I'd share some thoughts...

I feel u on this, but EVERYDAY?? to have to remind him EVERYDAY is ALOT! not to mention when I used to mention things to him alot.. he'd come back with something like ' ur trying to run me/treat me like ur my mother' 'ish

and yeah... he expressed those same feelings about a new baby to me as well... he promised he'd be sooo helpful and that he'd do this and that.. HA! I STILL kick myself alot for believing all of that mess

LilMiss,

I say this with all the love in the world...
You are digging yourself in an early grave.
You are doing WAY TOO MUCH!

I say, before and after dinner, delegate your kids to that kitchen, and if it doesn't get done..oh freaking' well.. i never ever seen a tombstone that read "she kept a really good kitchen"

u are soo correct with all of the above (thank u)

Meals: crockpot them or learn "set it and forget it"/oven made meals
How about DH cook? What is he doing when he gets off?

hes doing 'him' for the most part. not cooking, not offering to cook, not even offering to take anything out so that I can cook. P3. Internet.

Do you know any parents of the soccer team? maybe you guys can design a carpooling system where you won't have to drive them every day?

I JUST made arrangements last nite with a mom from my sons team, so that will be helpful, unfort none of the girls on my dd's team live near us. I was dropping them BOTH & my ex(their dad) would bring them home, but dd was getting home wayy too late-she couldnt handle it

I think it is a shame you are working yourself so hard you can't even enjoy the intimacy your union has afforded you, etc. You don't even get a chance to watch a show with DH or to talk/ask him how was his day

Y are you having so much trouble asking your husband to share household duties. You can't shouldnt do it all by yourself.
When do you have time to DC/workout/take a warm bath?

yanno.. thats a really good question. The thing is I have asked him and he gets better in the beginning then he starts slacking. I also keep in mind that my 2 older kids arent biologically his, even tho when he wanted his ds (now 11) to come and live with us.. I went along with it.. he lived with us for 2 1/2-3 yrs.. I JUST told dh this summer that it was time for his ds to go back to his mom-I'd had enuff.. dh was not much help with him either. oh and normally I get my DC/bath time in after Ive done EVERYTHING andthe baby is down for the nite... so alot of nites I go to bed later than 11

I guess my issue with dh vs household chores/situations is that he sees/lives it on a daily right with me... he doesnt have to ask me to cook.. I just do it cause I want everyone to eat a good meal. I wash their laundry because I want them to have clean clothes. Why cant he hop on the same band-wagon as me w/o me having to treat him like a child.

I guess I REALLY need to re-evaluate things.. we are def not on the same page.

 

[PeanutButterandHoney]

ITA, Zeel. I don't consider it helping out either. We are two grown people and know that things need to get done around here. I wonder if a lot of times men are pushed out of their helping role, and then when the woman realizes how hard it is she tries to get him to help out, but he's already in the habit of not helping. If that makes sense.

He's a grown up.. he can adapt.

I'd just call and say "Aye Bay, when you get home, I need you to wash the dishes, season that chicken for me, take out the yellow rice, and cut up a few veggies n potatoes.. Thanks honey"

I wouldn't even bribe him with sex because IMO, in a rel/marriage, that's what you both are supposed to be doing.
But, when I get home, I would alsways offer positive reinforcement i.e." Thank you Bay.. you da bomb" in order to help him feel good about it...and it's not "sucking up" or being "submissive" , it's PEOPLE MANAGEMENT and I do it to every person in my life, DF included.

Coloring is a wonderful thing (especially when spiritually binded). Don't let being superwoman take that from you. Shoot...you would look fwd to it 100X more if you were actually able to initiate, put on some lingerie and do stuff besides letting him do his thing.