He wants me to stop traveling when we get married...

[Vintageglam]

Funny thing. . . Professor Rice was my thesis advisor. Let's just say things aren't always as they seem. . .

And, while I do admire her, especially as a Black woman who has achieved so much, I would never want that for myself-- to achieve everything and have no one to share it with. I guess the problem is not just our differences... the problem also lies in this duality i'm juggling you know? As someone who is career driven, but some one who is also a woman and wants a family :/

I would love to follow more along the lines of someone like Susan Rice. She's got an amazing career & a beautiful family. I love looking to her because she makes me feel like it is possible to have it all.

Read the bolded here again. It seems to me that deep down you know this aint going to work. He is already showing himself in all his glory to you. Do not think this is a phase. This is the real him (in muted form for now). Once you're married and in his country you can forget about any western notions of freedom you ever had. Life in the middle east is markedly different for women. [BHeed the signs.[/B]

Okay, just googled Susan Rice. She sounds amazing and like an excellent role model for you. She would not marry the type of man you are considering marrying . I believe she would choose being single over giving up who she was. But she was blessed and managed to have her career, her husband, and her children. You must be brave like her and have more faith. Do not deny who you are at your core. There is nothing wrong with your aspirations. The right guy will love who you are, all of you, and not try to change you. You both must allow each other to be themselves. Nothing wrong with you or him. You simply aren't compatible.

^^^ This.

Hopeful gave you alot of good advice.

Take what I'm about to say and weigh it with whatever you know about him, after all we only have your description.

But ALOT of muslim men who date/marry non-muslim women act like this. (even the ones who claim to be secular/non-religious, esp. if they grew up in a muslim majority country) I'm not going to say "all" or "most", but what you have posted so far sounds like the beginnings of a familiar tale.

Who you are is all cool in the beginning, but once things get serious he puts demands/restrictions on you. Once you get married it gets exponentially worse. "Do this, do that, don't go here, don't go there, wear this, don't wear that, why are you talking to so and so"... and on and on.

It doesn't end well.

^^^ and this.

 

[*5+5]

OT: I'm assuming the ladies who are mentioning bringing kids/hubby are in the international business field? The work I do is never conducive for a family esp. small kids...lots of married men in this field, it's rare that I meet a woman with a family.

 

[Amante]

OT: I'm assuming the ladies who are mentioning bringing kids/hubby are in the international business field? The work I do is never conducive for a family esp. small kids...lots of married men in this field, it's rare that I meet a woman with a family.

That's a great question. Anyone have a family and actively pursuing an international/ diplomatic career? I would love to hear from you.

Thank you truetohair, ambergirl and kalia1-- these recent posts were so very helpful! And thanks to all of you ladies for contributing your very valuable feedback. I love LHCF!

 

[UmSumayyah]

Please OP know that there are many successful marriages of American women who married Muslim men.

As you cannot put everyman into a box neither can you a Muslim man. I know several close friends who are American married to Muslim men in wonderful relationships. No and all of the women didn't convert to Islam. Some practice Christianity and some nothing. They live in various countries around the world and are happy with their choice.

There are also many successful Muslim women in business. Some who have families and work. Doing both and still accepted and appreciated by their Muslim husbands.

My point is see sincerely how he views things based on faith and not culture.
If culture takes precedence then you must guard yourself. Unfortunately some men mix Islam with culture and this isn't right.

I know/have met successful couples of this type as well. But those men didn't start acting all loco when things got serious. THAT is the difference.

 

[Kalia1]

I know/have met successful couples of this type as well. But those men didn't start acting all loco when things got serious. THAT is the difference.

Yes ITA.

I believe that there must be a balance within the man when it comes to his religion and his family.

Moderation is key.

Yet compromise is key as well as understanding. I have friends who travel all over alone.

My sister-in-law just went back home to Dubai after coming to the States for a few weeks to visit and shop. She is Moroccan and my brother in law American. My brother-in-law is a devout Muslim. He made all of the necessary preparations for her and encouraged her to travel.

I have another good friend who owns a home here in the States who will be coming here from Kenya just to be alone from the hustle and bustle of her kids for 2 months. Leaving her kids with her hubby. They are Muslim. She American and he Somalian.

I just hope that the OP ponders on her choice and hasn't ran into a man like we know can be out there.

 

[VirtuousBeauty]

Sounds to me like your NOT choosing family over a career, but that you want both. You already have what you want planned out. You're young and there's nothing wrong with doing what you just stated you wanted to do. Sounds like he won't want you working at all is this true? If so it'll go against you starting up a business.

I really don't like this. I'm not going to tell you to kick him to the curb of course, but it doesn't sound like he really cares what you want. Like it's one-sided.

Update

I just read through the whole thread and please don't settle if you don't want to. I'm sorry, but him telling you no man is going to want you for xyz is a read flag imo. He shouldn't insult your dreams and your work. I don't view that as loving behavior. You shouldn't have to fight this much. You do not HAVE to be married by 30. It is not the year of old age . A ton of people, men and women, get married after thirty. If you want to travel for another 5 years before you think of settling down and having kids DO IT. If you want to have your own business while still having kids DO IT. Don't force yourself to be with a man that will lock you down and prevent you from doing what you enjoy.

JayAnn & Aveena

The funny thing is that he thinks by me doing all these fellowships at the UN and my other work abroad, I am not meeting him in the middle. I asked him if he would come along and he says he will have his job that he won't be able to leave. . . I also think he doesn't agree with some of the places I chose to go (like Palestine). He gets really worried about me. And he doesn't really want to go to some of these places himself.

He keeps telling me that no one would want a wife that is always gone for work journeys So that leads me to believe he doesn't agree with the idea generally.

I envision being really global for at least 5 more years before pulling back some-- meaning travel less for family sake, cause I hope to settle down in my late 20s. Once I become a mother I also want to change gears a little, maybe start up a business I can run from home so I can be there to raise the kids, write those books I always wanted to write, etc.

Why does it feel like I have to choose between family & career. . .

-Amante

 

[ebonylocs]

Funny story,
The way this all came up was when he saw me writing an email about my next UN training in Geneva. I could feel him reading the email behind me, over my shoulders, but still, I didn't say anything. So then this big argument breaks out. He called the UN work bull**** and said that "if you really want to help people, come with me and I will show you how to help people in a way you'll never forget."

Then he says, "let's put away $20,000 a year from our income and travel to Sudan or anywhere and do service. Let's do it together."

Well, yea every org has its faults. The UN isnt perfect, neither is dod or the state department. Neither is the NGO I work for currently. But, gosh, to call my work bull****. That really hurt.

He told me I should stop doing fake jobs and fellowships and consultancies and get a "real" job. Settle into a city for more than 1 or 2 years. Plant some roots. In Qatar. . .

I told him that I am not doing fake jobs. Then he asks, "what do you do then?"

I told him "i'm an artist- scholar, and a diplomat. . ." laughter ensues.
He basically just made fun of my career, which really hurt.

I DON'T WANT TO BE 30+ & UNMARRIED. I want to have kids. So I know that eventually I will have to give it up somewhere. . . If not 100% at least pulling back some. And I do envision myself transitioning to a more work from home career when I have kids. So in a way, I think we CAN work. It can work.

One other thing I should mention is I think he is very insecure. For instance, when I came back from Palestine, he looked through my photos and saw a photo with me and 2 of my male colleagues at a work related event. He got FURIOUS. He told me he didn't want me to take one on one photos with other men again. Only in groups. He wouldn't even sit and look at my photos from my Palestine work journey because he was SO JEALOUS! Ladies, I am SO squeaky clean-- so trustworthy-- never have, never will cheat. It's just a photo for crying out loud!Part of me wonders how much his Arab/ Islamic culture is influencing these thoughts & actions. . .

This is not a funny story at all. There are red flags all over - his laughing at your career, calling your jobs "fake". He is denigrating what you do, in essence putting you down. And then he acts like he is the one who knows real life, he will show you what it is to really help people, because he is the wise, experienced one, but you aren't. Then the possessiveness - that is extremely off-putting. I have witnessed the exact type of irrational jealousy you describe, by the husband of a relative of mine that is just as "squeaky clean" as you are, and believe me, that kind of behaviour in a man is harrowing over the long term and potentially explosive.

I have been involved with the "culturally macho" type before, while working internationally, and it was kind of funny, even cute in a way. However, I was content to enjoy that relationship in its time and place, and then I moved on. I never thought this type of man could fit into my real life, permanently.

I have some personal experience of this issue. I never had marriage and children as an important goal, but I have done some international development work, have lived in a number of countries for studies, volunteering and work, and basically had to put relationships on hold while I moved around. Even now that I have decided to more or less settle down in my home country, put down roots and make some solid impact, after about 1.5 years I feel the travel bug coming again, and I'm hankering to be working in diplomacy or trade or international development. And then I think to myself, "Dang, you will never be able to have a life-long relationship, will you?" And then I think, like Hopeful said, maybe I just need to accept about myself that my most important desires and goals are not compatible with marriage and family life.

But you might be lucky to find a special man to make it possible. The fact that you actually strongly desire a family (which I still don't, although I have come to value partnership with a man) should help you find a way to make things work.

I will also say that I am genuinely surprised that a highly educated and experienced world traveller such as you are, involved with a Muslim man, never considered from the get-go how his culture might impact your relationship, and didn't know about the strictures in orthodox Islam against women going around unaccompanied.

He sounds VERY anti-american from the bolded..

I don't see how he is anti-american. He didn't say anything about America. Unless you consider the UN to be an American organisation???

 

[Amante]

Ladies,

I've heard everyone's opinions and now, as I take time to reflect, I will consider this case/ thread closed. I think I have more than a breath of information, opinions & advice to consider in these four pages. If you like, please PM me, as I won't be checking this thread anymore.

Thank you all so much for all the wonderful advice and for helping me think through this situation. I really love LHCF-- all of you women on the board are full of phenomenal advice, words, opinions.

-Amante

 

[UmSumayyah]

:hugs: Go forth and be happy.

 

[hothair]

Run. I think you're raising this because you already know this relationship will not work long-term. Aside from the cultural impact of marrying him, there is also your personal goals which you're obviously not ready to give up. The man you want will come and you won't feel the need to ask anyone because you'd like to spend as much time as you can with him.