So I think i shouks R U N!

You probably lost the $4000, but maybe you can return the dress... I would hate to see you waste anymore time on this "maybe". He is hot and cold and there is only so much you can do to help him get his life together.
 
Fixer uppers hardly ever workout. The one's who was fixed up, usually roll out better and to find someone else. I have seen it time and time again.

I was taken back from jump, that you, your man and your mother all live together.
 
DancingAlison

What is with this Build A Man crap? He is a man, not a house to fix up.

Why are you so eager to settle for this nonsense? He has NOTHING to offer a wife, not even a place to sleep. He is living with your mom, not even his own mom/grandma.

How did you even convince your mom to allow this grown man to live in her home?

Of course he was kind, affectionate an all around nice. He's a broke dude, under employed, can't support his kids, has no car and no license and was living with his grandma. What exactly is your definition of AMAZING?

What is a verbal engagement?
And why would you spend your money to book a reception hall based on a verbal engagement? He hasn't bought you a ring because he has no money. He is under employed and has lost several jobs in the year you have been with him. He has back child support to pay and he needs to get his driver's license situation handled, unless of course you paid those for him?

Evict him, today. Sell the dress on ebay and check your contract for the hall regarding cancellation. If you cancel early enough they have time to rebook the date and you may not be out $4,000.

This is about your ego. You fixed him up and made him presentable so you think you need to stick around to win the prize...but he is no prize at all. He wasn't motivated to get his crap together for you. You forced the issue but in reality he has no ambition and isn't interested in being a grown up. A grown man who doesn't mind being supported by women is already a red flag. Yes, people fall on hard times but this guy is a disaster. Don't you think you deserve more?

DancingAlison said:
Hello all
So a little over a year ago, I met this amazing man on a dating site.

He was a very sweet affectionate Latin man. I usually have all these standards when I date men but he... He just was so kind and opened about his feeling towards me and his situation. He was closing the doors to his restaurant due to it's lack of financial success.

Basically we dated briefly, it was revealed to me (by his own mouth) that he was broke. He has two children, he lives with his grandmother, license was suspended due to him not being able to pay child support, his car was broke down, he had no money, just got a new job as a line cook. We went through a lot of ups and downs. Needless to say I realized this man had many flaws. No good with money, not good with handling his bills/responsibilities, has a resentful nature, plays around too much, accountability issues, brokenness from his past relationships/family, loses focus etc...

However this man was loving, kinda, affectionate, happy, creative, a good heart and most if all a God fearing man. And i accepted him for the hot mess that is he. So I went all in! He moved in with me and my mom so we could save money/get himself together. (FYI he lost 3 jobs in the time I was with him). We worked in his resume and got him updated and now he has a great job with a great company as a sous chef. Amen! Failing back a little; He wanted to marry me two months into the relationship. He did a verbal engagement 5 months in, he told my mom and his mom. We booked the venue of next year. Have spent over $4000 on venue and $1200 on the dress so far. I even told close family and friends about the engagement. He has been saving for the ring.

Things have turned left about 3months ago. I went on a business vacation and when I came back, he flipped and changed. He was acting very distant, not affectionate, unhappy, tired (from work), and just there but not really there in the relationship mentally. Also I have been expecting the ring for some time now. I began to question his actions (and why has the ring not been bought yet) then told him to move out and go back to his grandmothers place so we could work on the relationship. (I thought that would help) After two days of him sleeping in his car because he didn't want to face his grandmother and ask her for help again. I told him to come back with me and my mom. After that he claims he looked at me different and is not sure if he wanted to be in the relationship. When we talk about the ring he tells me we were not doing good so he didn't want to give the ring under these circumstances. Finally we talk about the relationship again and he wants to work on our original plans of getting marrie. But his work load at work got heavier and he gets short tempered with me all the time. And sometimes mean. The sweet kisses have stopped, he doesn't have interest in my life like he use to. And most of all he does not look at me the way he use to. I feel exhausted. I am tired of trying to fix things on my own. I don't feel like I have done much wrong here. I am leaving out a few things but this is the gist of it. Should I count my loses and call everything off and run from this man, Or should I stay and put in more work into what I already build with this man?
Click to expand...
 
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Stop letting people use you in Gods name. Every race knows that we are fools for a man that's "God Fearing". How do we even know someone is God Fearing -cause he said so? You don't know what's really in someone's heart and mind.

I can't understand picking up a bum and trying to make him into a husband. A bum will say anything for a place to stay. If Grandma didn't let that man move back in, its Because grandma kicked him out in the first place.

I also can't understand the logic of a black woman expecting a Latin man to clean up for her when he didn't do it for his Latin baby mama and 2 Latin kids.

I know a Black woman that lost everything over a Latin bum. When she dated Black ,she had all of these "standards". SMH


Sisters are still the mules of the world , this time we are doing it willingly.
 
DancingAlison said:
His actions have been very resent with him changing. There was no signs of him being mean till 3 weeks ago. He and I talked about biblical love. And truly that is what made me want to not judge him.
Click to expand...

There were no signs of him being God fearing either. Yes he hit hard times but until he takes full responsibility for his existing duties (his children) you had no business expecting him to take on more. Take any money lost as a lesson learned and a deposit towards common sense. It's not like he got a great new job but because of his credit he was having a hard time getting an apartment. By your own words his actions have not matched the label you keep insisting fits him.

Why are you dress shopping when he owes child support? Or put money down on a wedding with no ring?

He learned your "church speak" language. Judging someone doesn't mean you put someone down it means you evaluate where they are. Some will meet your standards some won't. You have to take ownership of YOUR part in this. Don't throw out buzz words from this forum. He doesn't have to be narcissistic for you to walk away. He's someone you never should have given time to. Own that.

What church do you attend? Did you worship together? Was he active with men's ministry? If the answer is yes you need to find a new church. I wish I would go to my pastor or church family with this situation. You really need to focus on yourself and get better people around you. It's not what someone says it what he does.
 
ThickHair said:
Fixer uppers hardly ever workout. The one's who was fixed up, usually roll out better and to find someone else. I have seen it time and time again.

I was taken back from jump, that you, your man and your mother all live together.
Click to expand...


I wish these young girls out here would listen to this..b/c this is the biggest way we get bamboozled. I don't care what anyone says..men do not want women who have seen them at their lowest. Their egos cannot handle it. The "ride or die mentality" is pure bs..and most men deep down know it as well. This is why they go off and get someone else as soon as soon as they come up. The new woman will only have known him in the image he wants her to see; succesful, confident, a winner. But you as the ride or die, are a constant reminder of his shortcomings.

Women we expect our ability to "help" to be rewarded, men just don't operate like that. Matter of fact, the more "help" you offer a man, the more likely he will resent you for it, even while taking the help being offered.
 
sunnydaze said:
I wish these young girls out here would listen to this..b/c this is the biggest way we get bamboozled. I don't care what anyone says..men do not want women who have seen them at their lowest. Their egos cannot handle it. The "ride or die mentality" is pure bs..and most men deep down know it as well. This is why they go off and get someone else as soon as soon as they come up. The new woman will only have known him in the image he wants her to see; succesful, confident, a winner. But you as the ride or die, are a constant reminder of his shortcomings.

Women we expect our ability to "help" to be rewarded, men just don't operate like that. Matter of fact, the more "help" you offer a man, the more likely he will resent you for it, even while taking the help being offered.
Click to expand...

for the most part i do agree... but i would also say that the men who are so eager to leave the "ride or die" for someone who has only seen them as winners are weak and self loathing to the core anyway. they were losers because it was always part of their identity and it is why the do dishonorable things to begin with. i do think its possible that some men just have a harder go of it and respect and admire women who were loyal to them and saw their potential... which is why some men stay with the girl who was there since high school.

but i think (maybe when it specifically comes to black men) they are vastly outnumbered by the weak ones who cant face their own damaged egos. the problem is when women think all of them are the former, when most of them are the latter, and cant differentiate between the two.
 
CaraWalker said:
for the most part i do agree... but i would also say that the men who are so eager to leave the "ride or die" for someone who has only seen them as winners are weak and self loathing to the core anyway. they were losers because it was always part of their identity and it is why the do dishonorable things to begin with. i do think its possible that some men just have a harder go of it and respect and admire women who were loyal to them and saw their potential... which is why some men stay with the girl who was there since high school.

but i think (maybe when it specifically comes to black men) they are vastly outnumbered by the weak ones who cant face their own damaged egos. the problem is when women think all of them are the former, when most of them are the latter, and cant differentiate between the two.
Click to expand...


I agree with you talking about high school sweetheart scenarios, but that is different than meeting a grown man who should be out in the world functioning and cannot for fill in the blank reason. Us coming along and thinking we gonna save/help/fix..it hardly ever works out in ways we think it should. Its just best not to help any man really do anything :look:.
 
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OP, I have no advice besides you need to run, run far away and never return :nono:.

This thread is terrifying to me!!!! While nothing this extreme is, by any stretch, is going on in the new relationship I'm in, there are a couple of red flags. I haven't been in a relationship for about the same amount of time as you OP. It's impossible to tell if I'm just being inflexible and flighty or if these are valid concerns I won't be able to get over. Our relationship is just at the beginning stages, but I tend to over-think things which makes it harder.
 
OP, I hope you meant what you said and kicked him out last night.

The thought of this bootleg Latin lover taking advantage of a sister (and her mother) bothers me.
 
Starbucks said:
OP, I hope you meant what you said and kicked him out last night. The thought of this bootleg Latin lover taking advantage of a sister (and her mother) bothers me.
Click to expand...

I feel bad too. I know it seems like some of us are coming down hard, but I really believe it's coming from a place of love. This sister sees to have a lot going for her. A better man would be lucky to have her.
 
Gin&Tonic said:
Stop letting people use you in Gods name. Every race knows that we are fools for a man that's "God Fearing". How do we even know someone is God Fearing -cause he said so? You don't know what's really in someone's heart and mind.

I can't understand picking up a bum and trying to make him into a husband. A bum will say anything for a place to stay. If Grandma didn't let that man move back in, its Because grandma kicked him out in the first place.

I also can't understand the logic of a black woman expecting a Latin man to clean up for her when he didn't do it for his Latin baby mama and 2 Latin kids.

I know a Black woman that lost everything over a Latin bum. When she dated Black ,she had all of these "standards". SMH


Sisters are still the mules of the world , this time we are doing it willingly.
Click to expand...

This isn't a race/ethnicity issue. A black or white or asian man with no pride or prospects would have done the same thing to her. This is a she made a BIG mistake and how does she now correct it now issue.
 
I don't have anything else to add other than:




molly.jpg





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a year though. that sounds like at the LEAST maybe five years in.

that is way too much to do in a year and have your heart vested in it.

my opinion is to cut your losses. don't waste more money and time trying to validate staying due to the money you have invested already.

and there are other things that seemed important to you that were sort of a trade off for his "challenges". and now, they have ceased too.

there is no point.
 
The first thing I thought of was that he must've laid the pipework out RIGHT. From then on the OP was dumbstruck /d!ckstruck. Mix in loneliness and you have a recipe for disaster.

No advice to add. A lot of great, similar in point advice has already been given.

OP, don't beat yourself up too hard. I believe we've all made crazy similar mistakes in the name of love. This should be a huge learning tool for you and you'll definitely know what to do the next time sexy 10 inch Rico Hobo Suave approaches you!
 
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MixedBerry said:
The first thing I thought of was that he must've laid the pipework out RIGHT. From then on the OP was dumbstruck /d!ckstruck. Mix in loneliness and you have a recipe for disaster.

No advice to add. A lot of great, similar in point advice has already been given.

OP, don't beat yourself up too hard. I believe we've all made crazy similar mistakes in the name of love. This should be a huge learning tool for you and you'll definitely know what to do the next time sexy 10 inch Rico Hobo Suave approaches you!
Click to expand...


:lachen::lachen: Rico Hobo Suave!!!!! :lachen: :rofl:
 
Wow... tough crowd! OP your man is no where ready to be married. Not even close.... Take heart and cut your losses....
 
One of the first things I learned in econ and competitive strategy was to not make future decisions based off of sunk costs. Dude is a sunk cost that you cannot recoup. Base your decision off his future value (which seems very low).
 
cheetarah1980 said:
One of the first things I learned in econ and competitive strategy was to not make future decisions based off of sunk costs. Dude is a sunk cost that you cannot recoup. Base your decision off his future value (which seems very low).
Click to expand...

Lol
Loved applying business concept to relationships. Made sense huh?!
 
Fine 4s said:
Lol
Loved applying business concept to relationships. Made sense huh?!
Click to expand...

It's such an apt application it had to be made. She invested time and $$ and is willing to invest even more time and $$ to make sure that original investment has a return, not realizing that the more she invests the bigger the return needs to be in order to just break even. It's bad business all the way around.
 
hopeful said:
DancingAlison Any updates? How are you doing?
Click to expand...

Yeah, he is out. We have had many back and forth conversations. I told him let just date and see where things go. I told him I want a man that can take care of his responsibilities and I am trying to get to know him all over again to see if this can be him. I told him next step will be moving in together in our own apt and see if we are a good fit. I realized his behavior was one of a narcissistic personality and I told him to look it up and take a test. He past the test with flying colors. He is now see a counselor to help him with his issues. He wants to heal mentally he says. I have called off the wedding and contacted the venue to see if I can get the money back. The owners are going to get back to me about a reimbursement. As for the dress, it's a lose. They said I need to pay for it so I will just sell it on eBay. Thank you all for your help. It's really awesome that we have this here to support each other. Peace and blessing everyone. Btw he gave me the ring and wants me to keep it. I plan on returning it to help pay for the rest of the dress payment.
 
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