He lied about his age.

[NOEChic]

i know everyone's saying how you shouldnt have went through his stuff and and i admit that it may have been a bit of a violation, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. a lying man isn't going to disclose certain things. and its up to you to protect yourself before it goes any further. i'm sure he probably would've come clean weeks or months down the line, where you liked him so much you couldnt see yourself letting him go for something as simple as age. but my thing is, you should know all this up front so you can make your decision. the fact is, he had no problem lying to your face, he gave no indication that it bothered him in the least. i'd be very wary of someone who can so easily look me in the face and lie like that. it's up to you, but i think you should let it go.

end up like the poster above and find out after the wedding

 

[BrandNew]

I definitely feel where you're coming from. He has already made himself seem untrustworthy but it might not be as bad as it seems. I found out my spouse was older than his stated age after we got married, even had a different birthday. That was his only fib but 10 years seems a bit much though I noticed almost all online guys lie about their age. It's so much easier to disregard the older ones when looking online so I might understand if he used that excuse.

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@ the bold:

 

[SamandI]

my thing is, why is he still single at 40? Have you asked him if he's ever been married or in serious long term relationship? If he says no, then maybe he's one of those guys who have no intentions of ever getting married/committing. I personally think that a 40 year old man who has never been married is a red flag, but that's just something my mama taught me.
And if he has no intentions of being in a committed relationship, it could explain why he'd think he would be able to keep this lie away from you without you ever finding out.

 

[deltadreamland]

my thing is, why is he still single at 40? Have you asked him if he's ever been married or in serious long term relationship? If he says no, then maybe he's one of those guys who have no intentions of ever getting married/committing. I personally think that a 40 year old man who has never been married is a red flag, but that's just something my mama taught me.
And if he has no intentions of being in a committed relationship, it could explain why he'd think he would be able to keep this lie away from you without you ever finding out.

Lately I've ran into a few 40+ year old men that have never been married or have never lived with another woman. While I'm giving them the side eye with the red flag, they're beating their chests like this is an accomplishment. Really?
This one in particular brags about being 44 and never married before...BOY please-ain't nothing appealing about that. The more I learn about you the more I realize why you're 44 and you've never been married. erplexed

 

[SamandI]

Lately I've ran into a few 40+ year old men that have never been married or have never lived with another woman. While I'm giving them the side eye with the red flag, they're beating their chests like this is an accomplishment. Really?
This one in particular brags about being 44 and never married before...BOY please-ain't nothing appealing about that. The more I learn about you the more I realize why you're 44 and you've never been married. erplexed

This right here!

 

[jenny87]

That's the thing, he's a great guy. Really a gentleman and so different from most of the scuntbuckets I'm used to seeing. I wouldn't have minded him being 40 years old, I'm 25 and the person I was involved with before him was 37.



My point exactly. If I turned around tomorrow and said that I wasn't 25, that I was in fact 18, he'd be shyting bricks. I just don't understand the point of lying about your age.



Exactly. I don't want to believe that, but my subconscious is now like, well what else could he have been lying about?

And what's got me upset over this whole thing is that for awhile I judged myself and became very critical of myself while seeing him. When I thought he was 30, I looked at all of the accomplishments he's made and the things he has and I don't have that at this current point in time. I have a degree, and a steady good job, and a car, but I'm nowhere near where I was hoping to be in life at this age. I kept wondering if I could really keep up with him with regards to us being in completely different socio-economic lanes.

Well, looking at it now, he's 40, and so he should have all of the things he has. But I just hate that I beat myself up.

I don't think you should ever beat yourself up over someone else's accomplishment. Maybe he didn't have the struggles you did or anything. Not to mention, just because a person has everything YOU want does not mean they have everything THEY want.

I think he was probably scared that it would throw online ppl off. When I do those types of searches I always fill in the age limit! lol. I think ya'll should talk about it, but be honest with him too. Tell him that it makes you concerned about other lies and maybe ya'll can just start over from there.

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[vivEz daNs lamouR]

my thing is, why is he still single at 40? Have you asked him if he's ever been married or in serious long term relationship? If he says no, then maybe he's one of those guys who have no intentions of ever getting married/committing. I personally think that a 40 year old man who has never been married is a red flag, but that's just something my mama taught me.
And if he has no intentions of being in a committed relationship, it could explain why he'd think he would be able to keep this lie away from you without you ever finding out.

I've asked him all of those questions. He's never been married because he hasn't found 'the one', but he's had relationships and his longest one was eight years. She was cheating on him for a majority of the time and he wound up finding out.

I don't think you should ever beat yourself up over someone else's accomplishment. Maybe he didn't have the struggles you did or anything. Not to mention, just because a person has everything YOU want does not mean they have everything THEY want.

I think he was probably scared that it would throw online ppl off. When I do those types of searches I always fill in the age limit! lol. I think ya'll should talk about it, but be honest with him too. Tell him that it makes you concerned about other lies and maybe ya'll can just start over from there.

Sent from my T-Mobile G2

Thanks dear. I definitely started to do some internal reflecting but I have definitely come to the conclusion that everyone is different. It was just so surprising because it's rare to find a man who has all of his ducks lined up.

 

[lesedi]

Well, go with your intuition OP. All, i'm saying is that if he is such a great guy, this doesn't have to be game over. It's got nothing to do with desperation. It's everything to do with the realisation that people make mistakes. If this is his only fault, then there could be something really special there. Talk with him about your concerns and see where you go from there.
Sometimes we are too quick to veto men IMO.

 

[vivEz daNs lamouR]

lesedi, how would you approach that conversation?

 

[lesedi]

I'd tell the truth that I saw his licence and that i know his age. Every woman snoops (at least i do) but still apologise for looking through his stuff. Tell him how you feel about him, where you thought this relationship was going, your relationship goals and where you thought this was going before you found out. I'd tell him that him lying really hurt me especially since it wasn't a big deal in the first place. Ask him where the decision to lie was borne from and find out if it is still an issue he is insecure about. But most importantly, if you want this relationship to work out, you can't give in after the first apology. Tell him you need time to think about whether you still want to be in the relationship and ask him to contact you when he is 100% sure that he has no other secrets. YOU MUST BE IN THE DRIVING SEAT at all times.

But, until you confront him you need to snoop some more. Google is your homegirl.

 

[BackToMyRoots]

i know everyone's saying how you shouldnt have went through his stuff and and i admit that it may have been a bit of a violation, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. a lying man isn't going to disclose certain things. and its up to you to protect yourself before it goes any further. i'm sure he probably would've come clean weeks or months down the line, where you liked him so much you couldnt see yourself letting him go for something as simple as age. but my thing is, you should know all this up front so you can make your decision. the fact is, he had no problem lying to your face, he gave no indication that it bothered him in the least. i'd be very wary of someone who can so easily look me in the face and lie like that. it's up to you, but i think you should let it go.

Herein lies the major problem. No thank you.

 

[Coffee]

For some who may not know, I recently took on trying online dating. Met quite a few nice guys but one guy in particular who I really hit it off with. He messaged me initially and things just flowed so well from there on.. Three REALLY great dates, phone calls and texts daily, the whole nine.

He's 30 years old, never married, no kids, a Case Manager/Intake RN at a rehab facility, has a house, car, etc.... Really well established.

Well, yesterday, I went by his apartment because he was leaving for Delaware for the weekend to see his parents but he wanted to catch up for a bit before driving out. He jumps in the shower and I'm just hanging out listening to music, when my eyes suddenly fall on his wallet.

Now, initially, the fact that it was a Gucci wallet was what caught my eye, but I looked inside. Very basic wallet, a couple cards, not much cash, his IDs, etc... So I looked at his driver's license.

This man is 40 years old.

Fast forward to him jumping out the shower, and from that point I was going to leave but he asked me to stay until he and his cousin head out. So while I'm there, I bring up various age related convos.. At one point, I ask how old his cousin is, and he says he's in his 30s. I mention then that this must be his older cousin, because if you're 30, and he's in his 30s.. I'm assuming he's older.

No bite.

Then I mention that he's done a lot in the 30 years he's been on Earth.

No bite.

I left there with him never ONCE correcting the fact that he's actually 40 years old.

What's worse, is now that I think back to it.. When we first met, I got into his car and he had an ID hanging on the rear view mirror of his car. I looked at it quickly and remember him going "Whooaaa hey, don't look at that." I didn't think anything of it, figured maybe it was just a bad picture.

In hindsight, it probably had his birthday on it.

I'm so livid, and yes a lot of it has to do with the fact that I did actually like this guy. It's not the fact that he's 40, it's the fact that he lied about it. If you can lie about something simple like this, then what else could you POSSIBLY be lying about??

I haven't spoke to him yet, because I know he's going to flip it and make the conversation about me going through his things, or he'll say some BS like "If I told you my real age, you might not have given me a chance."

So he has a house and an apartment?

 

[NOEChic]

If he will lie about his age to your face he could lie about other things:
-sti/STD status
-kids
-marriage
-job
-hell that might not even be his crib
-relationship status
-etc.

These same women saying talk it out give him a chance will be the same women calling you dumb bc you didn't heed the red flags in the beginning.

 

[jenny87]

I thought it was height that men lied about. I think the bigger problem is that it is not just one lie, it's a lie that keeps on giving because then you have to just keep lying and lying...about when you graduated from high school, from college, when you started your first job, etc. At least with height it's just one lie. How long does he think he can keep this up? If you're around his family won't they slip up or will they be in on the lie? I personally would not tell him I looked through his wallet because he will turn that on you. And really I think 15 years is too big a difference especially for someone as young as you.

My mom told me the rule is your age + 15 years. lol. I took her up on it.....I'm 23, talking to a guy that just turned 37.

Sent from my T-Mobile G2

 

[vivEz daNs lamouR]

Yeah, he lived in Delaware previously, his house is around the corner from his parents. (Purchased seven years ago.)

Didn't like Delaware so he moved back to NYC and is now living here and looking to sell the house.

 

[BayAreaDream]

I have 2 male friends that lie about there age. I've known one 10 years and the other 5 and to this day I still don't know how old they are. Believe me I ask. I find it really strange that 1 they lie to me (a friend) and 2 I'm not sure what the big deal is. I also went on an online date with a guy who lied about his age and had to correct himself 3x before the right age came out. SMH... That was a deal breaker too. He said it was because he liked younger woman an they wouldn't show him any love if he posted his true age.

 

[jenny87]

If he will lie about his age to your face he could lie about other things:
-sti/STD status
-kids
-marriage
-job
-hell that might not even be his crib
-relationship status
-etc.

These same women saying talk it out give him a chance will be the same women calling you dumb bc you didn't heed the red flags in the beginning.

At the end of the day, you live and learn. It doesn't matter what everyone else thinks. If OP wants to take the chance (which I think she should if he is that awesome of a guy), then it's her choice. I find as I get older things definitely change. I follow my gut more and/or go against advice in favor of what I want. It doesn't always end up good, but my own happiness has to be my priority. Same is true for OP.

Sent from my T-Mobile G2

 

[lesedi]

If OP feels that she can't move past this, then she shouldn't. But if she thinks there still room for a relationship of some substance there, then why shouldn't she go for it? Everyone has lied at some point. This doesn't mean that he is a serial killer.

 

[Xavier]

I definitely feel where you're coming from. He has already made himself seem untrustworthy but it might not be as bad as it seems. I found out my spouse was older than his stated age after we got married, even had a different birthday. That was his only fib but 10 years seems a bit much though I noticed almost all online guys lie about their age. It's so much easier to disregard the older ones when looking online so I might understand if he used that excuse.

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I am sorry to get off topic...I read this a couple times... but are you saying that you did not know your husbands birthday and actual age until after you were already married?

 

[vivEz daNs lamouR]

If OP feels that she can't move past this, then she shouldn't. But if she thinks there still room for a relationship of some substance there, then why shouldn't she go for it? Everyone has lied at some point. This doesn't mean that he is a serial killer.

At the end of the day, you live and learn. It doesn't matter what everyone else thinks. If OP wants to take the chance (which I think she should if he is that awesome of a guy), then it's her choice. I find as I get older things definitely change. I follow my gut more and/or go against advice in favor of what I want. It doesn't always end up good, but my own happiness has to be my priority. Same is true for OP.

Sent from my T-Mobile G2

Thanks for the opposite opinions.

It definitely will be something for me to think about.

He just called me, I didn't know what to say so I just didn't pick up, Maybe I'll call back later once I'm more composed.

 

[tocktick]

Good luck op. It would be a wrap for him if it was me. When is lying ever acceptable? Surprised at folks saying it's cool to overlook that. Are women that desperate for a man they are willing to let that stuff slide?

Right. I'm surprised at a few of the responses. The age itself isn't the problem here - it's the lie and the fact he didn't own up to it when they first started communicating. After 3 dates, he's still keeping it going. For what?

Yeah, it was wrong of OP to go through his stuff but considering what was discovered, it's the less important factor in all of this. I wonder how long he would have concealed this info, all the while OP is investing time and getting more into him. Better the lie info was found out in this way as it's more discreet than to find out she's spent more time on him and caught feelings and/or it comes out in a more messy or public way.

 

[jenny87]

Right. I'm surprised at a few of the responses. The age itself isn't the problem here - it's the lie and the fact he didn't own up to it when they first started communicating. After 3 dates, he's still keeping it going. For what?

Yeah, it was wrong of OP to go through his stuff but considering what was discovered, it's the less important factor in all of this. I wonder how long he would have concealed this info, all the while OP is investing time and getting more into him. Better the lie info was found out in this way as it's more discreet than to find out she's spent more time on him and caught feelings and/or it comes out in a more messy or public way.

I think I understand where you're coming from. Maybe he feels like age shouldn't matter.

Sent from my T-Mobile G2

 

[NOEChic]

I think I understand where you're coming from. Maybe he feels like age shouldn't matter.

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it wouldnt matter if he didnt lie about it

 

[cheryl26]

I am sorry to get off topic...I read this a couple times... but are you saying that you did not know your husbands birthday and actual age until after you were already married?

He is an immigrant. They made an error on his passport so every document ( license visa etc) shows that date. He didnt inform me un til we married so instead of eight he is ten years my senior. I didnt think too much about it.
Now the op's guy went out of his way to lie so idk about him. If he's nice and respectable I'd just be cautious.

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[Seeking8Rights]

Thanks for the responses ladies.

Just for the record, I definitely do not think that what I did was right. I've never gone through someone's personal things because I'd HATE if someone did that to me.

But, I also have to think that everything happens for a reason and me finding out the truth was it. Like I said, we had had many conversations prior that were geared around age and life and accomplishments, and he never once corrected me, ever.

Also, 40 and 25 is a major age gap, and I'm sure he knew that if I knew his real age I would've had some reservations about it. Like I said, the man I was with prior to this guy is 37, but we knew each other for a long time and things progressed into dating. (He was also the first 'older' man I had dated.)

This, on the other hand, is lying about your age from jumpstreet, when we should be honestly getting to know each other.

So, I will likely KIM.

Also, the fact that he would lie about his age to get what HE wants kind of selfish. A real man would have been honest about his age giving you the opportunity to make a choice whether or not to proceed to KIM. But no he lied about it which means he wasn't thinking about you from the beginning.

As others suggested to move on, I would do the same. You deserve to be with someone who is forthcoming and unfortunately you had to "search" to get the truth. Now lets put the forward thinking hat on and imagine what you would be up against if this was 2 years into a relationship......Who wants to deal with that? And as long as you KNOW that you had to find out his real age, you will go through the relationship thinking "what else do I have to find out myself before him coming forward?" Not a good position to be in and you don't have to put yourself in such position.

I would drop him like a hot pan of grits and not look back.

 

[Sosoothing]

I dated a guy that lied to me about his age. He shaved off 5 years. I was 28 and thought he was 38. He told me after about a month of dating that he lied about his age because he didn't think I would date him if I knew he was over 40. He tried to tell me that 38 was just like 43 anyway and it wasn't a big deal. What bothered me about his reasoning was, if it wasn't a big deal, why mislead me about it? Also I was mad he tried to take my choice away because it was up to me to decide if I wanted to date a 43 year old or not.

I have always preferred to date older men. I'm talking men at least 10 years older than me. But in my experience, the 40 year old, established guy, never married, no kids, always has some 'issue'. The ones I have dealt with like to claim they were taking their time, waiting for the right person...in my experience they are usually not single by choice. Again, my experience.

I think you should confront him and see where it goes from there and listen to your gut.

 

[Seeking8Rights]

Right. I'm surprised at a few of the responses. The age itself isn't the problem here - it's the lie and the fact he didn't own up to it when they first started communicating. After 3 dates, he's still keeping it going. For what?

Yeah, it was wrong of OP to go through his stuff but considering what was discovered, it's the less important factor in all of this. I wonder how long he would have concealed this info, all the while OP is investing time and getting more into him. Better the lie info was found out in this way as it's more discreet than to find out she's spent more time on him and caught feelings and/or it comes out in a more messy or public way.

Thank you!!!

The man LIED about something that wasn't a big deal, yet folks wanna make excuses and look over his LIE. Then try to negate his LIE with what she did which isn't nearly as bad (in terms of potential relationship damage) as him LYING.

This proves that people deserve that they get sometimes. If she overlooks this lie now, and then later find out he is in fact a liar, cheater and everything else, then she can't say she didn't get the warning.

 

[NOEChic]

He is an immigrant. They made an error on his passport so every document ( license visa etc) shows that date. He didnt inform me un til we married so instead of eight he is ten years my senior. I didnt think too much about it.
Now the op's guy went out of his way to lie so idk about him. If he's nice and respectable I'd just be cautious.

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Sooooo, he couldn't tell you that before the wedding?

 

[MissYocairis]

I am sorry to get off topic...I read this a couple times... but are you saying that you did not know your husbands birthday and actual age until after you were already married?

ok? girl, I had to read it a few times too because in what world? I would be LIVID!!!!!!!!!!!


And, I agree with Hopeful, I don't see this as a small, single lie. This is bad, imo. Why are you trying to be something other than what you actually are? I don't like it and I would never trust him and a TEN YEAR age lie means he has to tell some DOOSIES to remain consistent....like the year he graduated, what age his high school reunion is when he goes (it's my 10 year reunion when it's really his 20 year...). He has to lie about everything. You can't marry a man like that. It's lying about something really small and simple that will force you to become a repeated liar over and over again for the duration of the relationship.

There is no way. I would instantly lose respect for him.

 

[lesedi]

Thank you!!!

The man LIED about something that wasn't a big deal, yet folks wanna make excuses and look over his LIE. Then try to negate his LIE with what she did which isn't nearly as bad (in terms of potential relationship damage) as him LYING.

This proves that people deserve that they get sometimes. If she overlooks this lie now, and then later find out he is in fact a liar, cheater and everything else, then she can't say she didn't get the warning.

I think people are misinterpreting what some of us have said. No-one is saying that he isn't wrong for lying. No-one is saying that she shouldn't confront him about it, or that she should look past the issue. What we are saying is that, if she feels that there is a relationship worth salvaging despite the lie, then she should do what she needs to do. We all make mistakes, every single one of us has lied to a partner at some point.