Frustration leads to Resentment

Transformer

Transformer

Well-Known Member
I have been married an awful long time—decades, and decades and more decades—longer than any other couple in our age range and even those 10 years older. I’ve been discontented with my husband’s role and responsibility a long time and maybe retirement emphasizes that discontentment more.

First, my discontentment is not about money which I guess I’m lucky but it does include decision making about allocation of monies. I absolute hate my role in my marriage and I know the blame goes to me for putting up with things so long.

I told my husband yesterday that I was just sick and tired of always having to INITIATE things that needs to be done for the house or investments, estate planning decisions, vacations, and HIS Medical Care. The only things he initiates is Yard Work, the schedule for his MANY, MANY bowling leagues, when to take the bikes to the bike shop for tune-ups, and that his subscriptions to NBA Network, Apple TV, and Sirius Radio are current. I take care of everything else and has always done so. He thinks entering the amount of utilities and credit card payments into Bill Pay is a huge contribution and I disagree. We had quite the blow-up over this.

Example—Just this week:
I. Pointed out that we needed a new mailbox—the door was broken and the box rusted. He retrieves the mail but was okay with the condition.
2. Garage—I arranged for the garage to be cleaned months ago—actually went through all the junk and arranged for pickup for items thrown out. There are still a few item left on the garage floor that must be moved to the storage house before he can park his car inside. I asked when he was going to do that since I took care of the 95% of the cleanup effort. He didn’t answer.
3. Had a Mobile Mechanic to look at the “Yard Truck” because it was leaking a fluid. After I got the diagnosis, researched methods to dispose, and settle on “Peddle”. Thank God “Peddle” was fast and easy and I got more that I thought for the truck. They picked up the truck and delivered my check within 24 hours.
4. Life has changed a bit and contacted legal services to amend trusts and re do “roll over” wills. His contribution—for some reasons he wants to leave our primary house in-trust for our grandson because two weeks ago the 7 year old asked for it. Doesn’t make sense.
5. Forced him to request medical care follow-up for abnormalities detected six months ago.
6. Contacted a contractor about renovations to a deck that have been needed for quite some time. He then takes over the appointment and wants a screened porch instead of the non-screened deck I had envisioned. We HAVE a smaller covered screened porch off the side porch.
7. Took care of the installation of a new Heat/AC system for a rental property that is solely in his name and needs to be re-deeded in the name of the trust.
8. Sent the insurance company the final bills and medical notes from car accident. He’s like why bother, but you can bet he will be buying a new bowling ball if we receive any money.
9. Made him make an appointment for HIS car maintenance which then required a 2K brake job. He initially vetoed the dealership doing the brake job but I told him I wasn’t willing to take a chance on “Jimmy the Shade Tree mechanic” replacing the brakes. Plus it would take him another month to find someone and I didn’t want to chance another car accident before he got around to it.

I research and have a rationale for every decision I make, he researches nothing and then argues with me about things like —why does it need 4 ton unit versus something else.
And the issue we are going to divorce over is his input on my new car selection. He hasn’t done an ounce of research on EVs but is already talking negatively and he has done this every time I buy a car.

A co-worker divorced her husband because she stated she was sick and tired of having to be the lead decision maker and I can now relate. So when we had this discussion he said….”do I sabotage things you initiate? You have a quicker mind and is smarter than everybody else in the room and then you get mad because everyone is not as smart as you.” ThAT stung, because I was told those exact same words 35 years ago by a military supervisor. But I still don’t feel that a lot of the things requires a higher IQ, they just require a self starter.

Sister #6 made all the decisions and initiated everything for her household. She said life was just easier that way. It’s not easier for me because I feel I just have too much responsibility and I don’t want it.

I resent myself for allowing this to happen and I resent him for not relieving me of so many responsibilities.
 
Also, I need to arrange with someone in the DMV to go bail for me because the next time he does THIS, I’m going to stab him.

I leave the bed before he does now. I will shower, apply toiletries, make-up, and dress while he stares from the bed. The MOMENT I complete everything he will walk into the bathroom and starts taking my clothes off. I absolute hate this and I will be uncooperative, he’s then mad for the entire day.

I’m pissed because it’s again it’s his timing that is the only thing important.
 
Last edited:
I would say go pray if you are of faith. After write everything you need/want him to do/support. Somethings he will have to make better moves on and others would either not get done or if it’s important you do.
That Iq thing is a cop out I would rather folks just say I’m lazy and I have been overly reliant on your initiative over the years.
Would you be at peace if you divorced? That’s a question I would ask self honestly. I hope he gets his stuff in order because your his life.
 
Black Ambrosia said:
@Transformer I remember you were thinking about getting away awhile back. Did you ever do that? If so, did it give you any clarity?
Click to expand...

Yes, I did leave but had to come back earlier than planned due to my daughter’s illness. She has SEVERE endometriosis and they thought for sure she had cancer but thankful it wasn’t. I couldn’t let her go through that alone. But I did want to scream.
 
Last edited:
Plushottie said:
I would say go pray if you are of faith. After write everything you need/want him to do/support. Somethings he will have to make better moves on and others would either not get done or if it’s important you do.
That Iq thing is a cop out I would rather folks just say I’m lazy and I have been overly reliant on your initiative over the years.
Would you be at peace if you divorced? That’s a question I would ask self honestly. I hope he gets his stuff in order because your his life.
Click to expand...

Yes, i would be totally at peace. i think he will survive just fine and have my replacement in 6 months. I mean he can’t even work MYCHART to send a message to the doctor and let’s not talk about making an appointment for lab testing.
 
Transformer said:
Yes, i would be totally at peace. i think he will survive just fine and have my replacement in 6 months. I mean he can’t even work MYCHART to send a message to the doctor and let’s not talk about making an appointment for lab testing.
Click to expand...
I’m not one advocate divorce but I do advocate peace by any means. I would bring that very topic up because you deserve better. I send you love.
 
I have started noticing more how so many Black men refer everything to their wives. My neighbor and I often discuss house maintenance issues and when I inquired who did the work he always says ….”Kim arranged it, I don’t know the company or the cost.” My personal trainer the same way. He’s 15 years older than his wife, she’s a personal trainer also but still appears to run everything about the household. In fact, he once gave Hubby a high five and said “we got the right ones’ when discussing household management tasks.
 
One of my friends was going through this. She told me about the other married women we know who were in the same predicament. There was more going on in her marriage but the dynamic was the same. She eventually divorced.

It sounds like you already know what you want to do and will be at peace with it. You just need to give yourself permission to do it.

I’m sure you’ve done a pro/con list. Is there anything about him that you’ll miss? Is it worth staying?
 
Transformer said:
I have started noticing more how so many Black men refer everything to their wives. My neighbor and I often discuss house maintenance issues and when I inquired who did the work he always says ….”Kim arranged it, I don’t know the company or the cost.” My personal trainer the same way. He’s 15 years older than his wife, she’s a personal trainer also but still appears to run everything about the household. In fact, he once gave Hubby a high five and said “we got the right ones’ when discussing household management tasks.
Click to expand...
This coincides with much research out at how men don’t fair well alone. They are dependents and unless that was the arrangement then it’s time for discussions.
 
Plushottie said:
This coincides with much research out at how men don’t fair well alone. They are dependents and unless that was the arrangement then it’s time for discussions.
Click to expand...

The problem is he thinks the present situation is just fine,and it is for him. I mean I really spoiled him. I shopped and packed suitcases for everyone when the kids were small. When I told him, I was no longer selecting and packing his clothes for work or vacation trips he went off like I committed a deadly sin.
 
Transformer said:
The problem is he thinks the present situation is just fine,and it is for him. I mean I really spoiled him. I shopped and packed suitcases for everyone when the kids were small. When I told him, I was no longer selecting and packing his clothes for work or vacation trips he went off like I committed a deadly sin.
Click to expand...
This makes sense like it’s not your fault you were just being an amazing mom and wife and he got lazy. Like sir the dating game has changed he would be eaten alive as more women aren’t seeking men kids.
You seem like a beautiful woman who deserves to enjoy being the full focus.
 
This reminds me of an article I’ve been meaning to read about a couple that got divorced. The guy thought everything was fine. The wife was unhappy and told him as much but he didn’t take it to seriously. Her happiness wasn’t something he really appreciated. At least that’s my take on the little bit that I read. There wasn’t a nasty knock down drag out fight. I think he mentioned the relationship ended by a thousand paper cuts or something to that effect.
 

The Marriage Lesson That I Learned Too Late​

The existence of love, trust, respect, and safety in a relationship is often dependent on moments you might write off as petty disagreements.​

Matthew Fray
April 11, 2022

The things that destroy love and marriage often disguise themselves as unimportant. Many dangerous things neither appear nor feel dangerous as they’re happening. They’re not bombs and gunshots. They’re pinpricks. They’re paper cuts. And that is the danger. When we don’t recognize something as threatening, then we’re not on guard. These tiny wounds start to bleed, and the bleed-out is so gradual that many of us don’t recognize the threat until it’s too late to stop it.

I spent most of my life believing that what ended marriages were behaviors I classify as Major Marriage Crimes. If murder, rape, and armed robbery are major crimes in the criminal-justice system, I viewed sexual affairs, physical spousal abuse, and gambling away the family savings as major crimes in marriage.

Because I wasn’t committing Major Marriage Crimes, when my wife and I were on opposite sides of an issue, I would suggest that we agree to disagree. I believed she was wrong—either that she was fundamentally incorrect in her understanding of the situation or that she was treating me unfairly. It always seemed as if the punishment didn’t fit the crime—as if she were charging me with premeditated murder when my infraction was something closer to driving a little bit over the speed limit with a burned-out taillight that I didn’t even know was burned out.

The reason my marriage fell apart seems absurd when I describe it: My wife left me because sometimes I leave dishes by the sink.

It makes her seem ridiculous and makes me seem like a victim of unfair expectations. But it wasn’t the dishes, not really—it was what they represented.

Hundreds, maybe thousands, of times, my wife tried to communicate that something was wrong. That something hurt. But that doesn’t make sense, I thought. I’m not trying to hurt her; therefore, she shouldn’t feel hurt.

We didn’t go down in a fiery explosion. We bled out from 10,000 paper cuts. Quietly. Slowly.

She knew that something was wrong. I insisted that everything was fine. This is how my marriage ended. It could be how yours ends too.


Every couple has their own unique version of The Same Fight. It could be any number of things. Throwing laundry on the floor. Tracking mud through the house right after your partner cleaned up. It doesn’t matter what the actual thing is. For us, it was dishes by the sink.

Sometimes I leave used drinking glasses by the kitchen sink, just inches away from the dishwasher. It isn’t a big deal to me now. It wasn’t a big deal to me when I was married. But it was a big deal to her. Each time my wife entered the kitchen to discover the glass I’d left next to the sink, she moved incrementally closer to moving out and ending our marriage. I just didn’t know it yet.

You may be wondering, Hey, Matt! Why would you leave a glass by the sink instead of putting it in the dishwasher?

A couple of reasons:

  1. I might want to use it again.
  2. I, personally, don’t care if a glass is sitting by the sink unless guests are visiting. I will never care. Ever. It’s impossible. It’s like asking me to make myself interested in crocheting or to enjoy yard work.
There is only one reason I will ever stop leaving that glass by the sink, and it’s a lesson I learned much too late: because I love and respect my partner, and it really matters to them.

I think I believed that my wife should respect me simply because I exchanged vows with her. It wouldn’t have been the first time I acted entitled. What I know for sure is that I had never connected putting a dish in the dishwasher with earning my wife’s respect.

I think sometimes these little things blow up into The Same Fight because maybe we don’t think it’s fair that our partner’s preferences should always win out over ours. It’s as if we want to fight for our right to leave that glass there.

The reaction might sound something like this:

You want to take an otherwise peaceful evening and have an argument with me over this glass? After all the big things I do to make our life possible—things I never hear a thank-you for (which I don’t ask for)—you’re going to elevate a glass by the sink into a marriage problem? I couldn’t be that petty if I tried. If you want that glass in the dishwasher, put it in there yourself without telling me about it. Otherwise, I’ll put it away when people are coming over, or when I’m done with it. This is a ******** fight that feels unfair.

I wanted my wife to agree that when you put life in perspective, a drinking glass by the sink is simply not a big problem that should cause a fight. I thought she should recognize how petty and meaningless it was in the grand scheme of life. I repeated that train of thought for the better part of 12 years, waiting for her to finally agree with me.

But she never did. She never agreed.

I was arguing about the merits of a glass by the sink. But for my wife, it wasn’t about the glass. It wasn’t about dishes by the sink, or laundry on the floor, or her trying to get out of doing the work of caring for our son, for whom there’s nothing she wouldn’t do.

It was about consideration. About the pervasive sense that she was married to someone who did not respect or appreciate her. And if I didn’t respect or appreciate her, then I didn’t love her in a manner that felt trustworthy. She couldn’t count on the adult who had promised to love her forever, because none of this dish-by-the-sink business felt anything like being loved.

I now understand that when I left that glass there, it hurt my wife—literally causing pain—because it felt to her as if I had just said, “Hey. I don’t respect you or value your thoughts and opinions. Not taking four seconds to put my glass in the dishwasher is more important to me than you are.”

Suddenly, this moment is no longer about something as benign and meaningless as a dirty glass. Now this moment is about a meaningful act of love and sacrifice.

My wife knew I was reasonably smart, so she couldn’t figure out how I could be so dense after hundreds of these conversations. She began to question whether I was intentionally trying to hurt her and whether I actually loved her at all.

Here’s the thing. A dish by the sink in no way feels painful or disrespectful to a spouse who wakes up every day and experiences a marriage partner who communicates in both word and action how important and cherished their spouse and relationship are. My wife didn’t flip **** over a dish by the sink because she’s some insufferable nag who had to have her way all the time. My wife communicated pain and frustration over the frequent reminders she encountered that told her over and over and over again just how little she was considered when I made decisions.

When we’re having The Same Fight, positive intent, or chalking up any harm caused as accidental, can be just as much of a trust killer as more overtly harmful actions. It doesn’t matter whether we are intentionally refusing to cooperate with our spouse or legitimately unable to understand what’s wrong—the math results are the same. The net result of The Same Fight is more pain. Less trust. Regardless of anyone’s intentions.

This is how two well-intentioned people slowly fall apart.

If I had to distill the problems in failed relationships down to one idea, it would be our colossal failure to make the invisible visible, our failure to invest time and effort into developing awareness of what we otherwise might not notice in the busyness of daily life.

If I had known that this drinking-glass situation and similar arguments would actually end my marriage—that the existence of love, trust, respect, and safety in our marriage was dependent on these moments I was writing off as petty disagreements—I would have made different choices.

I could have communicated my love and respect for her by not leaving tiny reminders for her each day that she wasn’t considered. That she wasn’t remembered. That she wasn’t respected. I could have carefully avoided leaving evidence that I would always choose my feelings and my preferences over hers.

This article was adapted from Matthew Fray’s new book, This Is How Your Marriage Ends.
 
@Black Ambrosia
Thanks so much for the excerpts from the book. This is just how I feel—it’s the papercuts, the little things, not huge argument that end marriages. Those little things add up and eventually become big resentments.

i doubt I can get him to read the book unless it is endorsed by Stephen Curry. He’s going to say “and now you want to go and change things. Things are fine. You take care of things leaving me the freedom to concentrate on achieving a 300 game score in bowling.”
 
Last edited:
I understand your frustration but I can’t really be mad at your husband. From his perspective you voluntarily took on these responsibilities for decades and now you’re mad. Why would someone in his position want to change? You spoiled him.

However, now that he knows it bothers you he should be willing to make some changes for your happiness. If he’s unwilling to make compromises to have a happy wife then that makes him a pretty lousy husband.
 
Transformer said:
I have started noticing more how so many Black men refer everything to their wives. My neighbor and I often discuss house maintenance issues and when I inquired who did the work he always says ….”Kim arranged it, I don’t know the company or the cost.” My personal trainer the same way. He’s 15 years older than his wife, she’s a personal trainer also but still appears to run everything about the household. In fact, he once gave Hubby a high five and said “we got the right ones’ when discussing household management tasks.
Click to expand...
I’m so done with that life. All I want for you is peace, and maybe take a step back from initiating those things. You need to show him better than you can tell him.
 
Last edited:
classychic1908 said:
I'd be dang if I'd let those adorable grandbabies have a step grandma. Hire an assistant and reduce your stress load.
Click to expand...
She wouldn’t come around and it would be hard to try to keep up with GMA1 does and would do. Let her sign up to be a caretaker. I’m all for out of sight, out of mind. Why pay someone to be a caregiver/assistant when he could go out and get one for free?
 
Evolving78 said:
She wouldn’t come around and it would be hard to try to keep up with GMA1 does and would do. Let her sign up to be a caretaker. I’m all for out of sight, out of mind. Why pay someone to be a caregiver/assistant when he could go out and get one for free?
Click to expand...
And you know GMA2 will just be waiting for him to pass. She won’t be nearly as invested in him following up on health issues.
 
Black Ambrosia said:

The Marriage Lesson That I Learned Too Late​

The existence of love, trust, respect, and safety in a relationship is often dependent on moments you might write off as petty disagreements.​

Matthew Fray
April 11, 2022

The things that destroy love and marriage often disguise themselves as unimportant. Many dangerous things neither appear nor feel dangerous as they’re happening. They’re not bombs and gunshots. They’re pinpricks. They’re paper cuts. And that is the danger. When we don’t recognize something as threatening, then we’re not on guard. These tiny wounds start to bleed, and the bleed-out is so gradual that many of us don’t recognize the threat until it’s too late to stop it.

I spent most of my life believing that what ended marriages were behaviors I classify as Major Marriage Crimes. If murder, rape, and armed robbery are major crimes in the criminal-justice system, I viewed sexual affairs, physical spousal abuse, and gambling away the family savings as major crimes in marriage.

Because I wasn’t committing Major Marriage Crimes, when my wife and I were on opposite sides of an issue, I would suggest that we agree to disagree. I believed she was wrong—either that she was fundamentally incorrect in her understanding of the situation or that she was treating me unfairly. It always seemed as if the punishment didn’t fit the crime—as if she were charging me with premeditated murder when my infraction was something closer to driving a little bit over the speed limit with a burned-out taillight that I didn’t even know was burned out.

The reason my marriage fell apart seems absurd when I describe it: My wife left me because sometimes I leave dishes by the sink.

It makes her seem ridiculous and makes me seem like a victim of unfair expectations. But it wasn’t the dishes, not really—it was what they represented.

Hundreds, maybe thousands, of times, my wife tried to communicate that something was wrong. That something hurt. But that doesn’t make sense, I thought. I’m not trying to hurt her; therefore, she shouldn’t feel hurt.

We didn’t go down in a fiery explosion. We bled out from 10,000 paper cuts. Quietly. Slowly.

She knew that something was wrong. I insisted that everything was fine. This is how my marriage ended. It could be how yours ends too.


Every couple has their own unique version of The Same Fight. It could be any number of things. Throwing laundry on the floor. Tracking mud through the house right after your partner cleaned up. It doesn’t matter what the actual thing is. For us, it was dishes by the sink.

Sometimes I leave used drinking glasses by the kitchen sink, just inches away from the dishwasher. It isn’t a big deal to me now. It wasn’t a big deal to me when I was married. But it was a big deal to her. Each time my wife entered the kitchen to discover the glass I’d left next to the sink, she moved incrementally closer to moving out and ending our marriage. I just didn’t know it yet.

You may be wondering, Hey, Matt! Why would you leave a glass by the sink instead of putting it in the dishwasher?

A couple of reasons:

  1. I might want to use it again.
  2. I, personally, don’t care if a glass is sitting by the sink unless guests are visiting. I will never care. Ever. It’s impossible. It’s like asking me to make myself interested in crocheting or to enjoy yard work.
There is only one reason I will ever stop leaving that glass by the sink, and it’s a lesson I learned much too late: because I love and respect my partner, and it really matters to them.

I think I believed that my wife should respect me simply because I exchanged vows with her. It wouldn’t have been the first time I acted entitled. What I know for sure is that I had never connected putting a dish in the dishwasher with earning my wife’s respect.

I think sometimes these little things blow up into The Same Fight because maybe we don’t think it’s fair that our partner’s preferences should always win out over ours. It’s as if we want to fight for our right to leave that glass there.

The reaction might sound something like this:

You want to take an otherwise peaceful evening and have an argument with me over this glass? After all the big things I do to make our life possible—things I never hear a thank-you for (which I don’t ask for)—you’re going to elevate a glass by the sink into a marriage problem? I couldn’t be that petty if I tried. If you want that glass in the dishwasher, put it in there yourself without telling me about it. Otherwise, I’ll put it away when people are coming over, or when I’m done with it. This is a ******** fight that feels unfair.

I wanted my wife to agree that when you put life in perspective, a drinking glass by the sink is simply not a big problem that should cause a fight. I thought she should recognize how petty and meaningless it was in the grand scheme of life. I repeated that train of thought for the better part of 12 years, waiting for her to finally agree with me.

But she never did. She never agreed.

I was arguing about the merits of a glass by the sink. But for my wife, it wasn’t about the glass. It wasn’t about dishes by the sink, or laundry on the floor, or her trying to get out of doing the work of caring for our son, for whom there’s nothing she wouldn’t do.

It was about consideration. About the pervasive sense that she was married to someone who did not respect or appreciate her. And if I didn’t respect or appreciate her, then I didn’t love her in a manner that felt trustworthy. She couldn’t count on the adult who had promised to love her forever, because none of this dish-by-the-sink business felt anything like being loved.

I now understand that when I left that glass there, it hurt my wife—literally causing pain—because it felt to her as if I had just said, “Hey. I don’t respect you or value your thoughts and opinions. Not taking four seconds to put my glass in the dishwasher is more important to me than you are.”

Suddenly, this moment is no longer about something as benign and meaningless as a dirty glass. Now this moment is about a meaningful act of love and sacrifice.

My wife knew I was reasonably smart, so she couldn’t figure out how I could be so dense after hundreds of these conversations. She began to question whether I was intentionally trying to hurt her and whether I actually loved her at all.

Here’s the thing. A dish by the sink in no way feels painful or disrespectful to a spouse who wakes up every day and experiences a marriage partner who communicates in both word and action how important and cherished their spouse and relationship are. My wife didn’t flip **** over a dish by the sink because she’s some insufferable nag who had to have her way all the time. My wife communicated pain and frustration over the frequent reminders she encountered that told her over and over and over again just how little she was considered when I made decisions.

When we’re having The Same Fight, positive intent, or chalking up any harm caused as accidental, can be just as much of a trust killer as more overtly harmful actions. It doesn’t matter whether we are intentionally refusing to cooperate with our spouse or legitimately unable to understand what’s wrong—the math results are the same. The net result of The Same Fight is more pain. Less trust. Regardless of anyone’s intentions.

This is how two well-intentioned people slowly fall apart.

If I had to distill the problems in failed relationships down to one idea, it would be our colossal failure to make the invisible visible, our failure to invest time and effort into developing awareness of what we otherwise might not notice in the busyness of daily life.

If I had known that this drinking-glass situation and similar arguments would actually end my marriage—that the existence of love, trust, respect, and safety in our marriage was dependent on these moments I was writing off as petty disagreements—I would have made different choices.

I could have communicated my love and respect for her by not leaving tiny reminders for her each day that she wasn’t considered. That she wasn’t remembered. That she wasn’t respected. I could have carefully avoided leaving evidence that I would always choose my feelings and my preferences over hers.

This article was adapted from Matthew Fray’s new book, This Is How Your Marriage Ends.
Click to expand...


That was powerful. Dh used to get mad when there were dishes in the sink. I thought that was one the pettiest things to get mad about. We argued for years and years because he said it bothered him while I was unphased by it. Then one day he stopped getting mad.

A friend of mine is opposite of us and she gets very upset at her husband for leaving dishes. I tell her my side but I know it doesn't ease her frustration.

I still think it is petty, and its trivial for those petty things to add up. I believe when you stop loving someone or your spouse begins to annoy you then those petty things become major.

If not washing a dish or leaving a glass by the sink is enough to add up with the other trivial things to cause a divorce then I feel the marriage wasn't worth saving.

Dh agrees with me and he said that's why he stopped getting mad. He said when he added up the pros and the cons of our marriage it wasn't worth it to argue anymore about dishes.
 
Last edited:
dancinstallion said:
That was powerful. Dh used to get mad when there were dishes in the sink. I thought that was one the pettiest things to get mad about. We argued for years and years because he said it bothered him while I was unphased by it. Then one day he stopped getting mad.
A friend of mine is opposite of us and she gets very upset at her husband for leaving dishes. I tell her my side but I know it doesn't ease her frustration.
I still think it is petty, and its trivial for those petty things add up. I believe when you stop loving someone or your spouse begins to annoy you then those petty things become big.

If not washing a dish or leaving a glass by the sink is enough to add up with the other trivial things to cause a divorce then I feel the marriage wasn't worth saving.

Dh agrees with me and he said that's why he stopped getting mad. He said when he added up the pros and the cons of our marriage it wasn't worth it to argue anymore about dishes.
Click to expand...
You maybe right, but I would divorce over something like that because I see it as being inconsiderate. Having a clean kitchen is very important to others and it may represent something to that person. But that’s an issue that would need to be discuss before jumping the broom.
 
Evolving78 said:
You maybe right, but I would divorce over something like that because I see it as being inconsiderate. Having a clean kitchen is very important to others and it may represent something to that person. But that’s an issue that would need to be discuss before jumping the broom.
Click to expand...

Having a clean kitchen is very important. But my major point is if the kitchen is otherwise clean but there is a glass by the sink or a few dishes in the sink, would that upset you enough over and over again for you to divorce?...
Not "you" per se just a question for people to think about.
 
dancinstallion said:
Having a clean kitchen is very important. But my major point is if the kitchen is otherwise clean but there is a glass by the sink or a few dishes in the sink, would that upset you enough over and over again for you to divorce?...
Not "you" per se just a question for people to think about.
Click to expand...
I get you. Speaking for myself, I have certain tendencies and need things to be a certain way for me to function daily. I cannot be as rigid I would like, since I have children that have certain tendencies as well, but it would be difficult for me to deal with something being left in the sink, when the little person in my head will drive me to go wash it out right away. Lol I hope you get where I’m coming from.
 
This may be because I’m old and unwed but annoying things can be a passive aggressive behavior instead of voicing the need or truth. I would feel after yrs a spouse should actively try to be better for their person. Neglect and subtle gaslighting eventually hits and you lose a bit of respect for self.
 
Evolving78 said:
I get you. Speaking for myself, I have certain tendencies and need things to be a certain way for me to function daily. I cannot be as rigid I would like, since I have children that have certain tendencies as well, but it would be difficult for me to deal with something being left in the sink, when the little person in my head will drive me to go wash it out right away. Lol I hope you get where I’m coming from.
Click to expand...

I get it cuz my friend is the same way.
Are you my friend cuz she said the same thing. Lol She wouldn't be able to function. Her marriage is on the rocks but add a few major infarctions to the daily not washing dishes etc and she wants to explode. :(
 
The dish thing is a bigger issue than anyone would expect it to be. I remember having housemates and there was always someone who couldn't rest if there was a dish in the sink whereas I was fine with it and might not bother loading the dishwasher until the morning. (The dishes were emptied and soaking in clean water but definitely not put away as soon as I got in the kitchen.) Anyway, it was a BIG issue to the point of resentment. It was clear to me that it wasn't about the dishes. Like the article says, it's what they believed those dirty dishes represented.

Obviously this article is about more than dishes. It's just interesting how our unhappiness in a relationship manifests in subtle ways that aren't even recognized as discontent.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

yokoyokogirl
Cohabitation leads to marriage?
2
Replies
31
Views
837
yokoyokogirl
yokoyokogirl
MissMeWithThatIsh
"Adult Frustration" (LONG VENT)
2
Replies
30
Views
1K
bellezanegra826
bellezanegra826
F
Dating Woes: First Date, Guy Asks To Pick Him Up..
2 3 4
Replies
92
Views
3K
MizAvalon
MizAvalon
MissJ
What would you do in this situation with a man?
Replies
13
Views
295
MissJ
MissJ
BobbieDoll
Could you date someone that doesn't own a car?
2 3
Replies
73
Views
1K
Country gal
Country gal
Back
Top