Frustration leads to Resentment

[Transformer]

Perspectives change. I initially laughed when my co-worker who had been married for over 40 years filed for divorced. She was 68 and her husband was 72. She said she was just TIRED, living with him was like having another child, plus she had to do everything. A possible contributing factor could be that her spouse had advanced prostate cancer and went for treatments for over 5 years. At one point they didn’t think they could contain the tumors. Everything was such a burden for her PLUS there was no sexual intimacy in the marriage. When I questioned if divorce would be in her best interest since he could win half of her retirement she replied, “he’s too dumb to ask for it.” Sure enough he didn’t ask for a portion of her retirement.

Get this, her first boyfriend after the separation was another co-worker 17 years younger, that had severe diabetes. Nobody knew about their relationship until he unexpectedly fell dead from a stroke. She later divulged that her boyfriend had “performance issues” also but at least she didn’t have the “mothering” duties she had with her husband.

 

[Plushottie]

Perspectives change. I initially laughed when my co-worker who had been married for over 40 years filed for divorced. She was 68 and her husband was 72. She said she was just TIRED, living with him was like having another child, plus she had to do everything. A possible contributing factor could be that her spouse had advanced prostate cancer and went for treatments for over 5 years. At one point they didn’t think they could contain the tumors. Everything was such a burden for her PLUS there was no sexual intimacy in the marriage. When I questioned if divorce would be in her best interest since he could win half of her retirement she replied, “he’s too dumb to ask for it.” Sure enough he didn’t ask for a portion of her retirement.

Get this, her first boyfriend after the separation was another co-worker 17 years younger, that had severe diabetes. Nobody knew about their relationship until he unexpectedly fell dead from a stroke. She later divulged that her boyfriend had “performance issues” also but at least she didn’t have the “mothering” duties she had with her husband.

She seemed to attract those in need of caretaking but at least she got a little fun.

 

[LivingInPeace]

@Transformer how old were the two of you when you got married?

 

[Transformer]

@Transformer how old were the two of you when you got married?

i was 19 and he was 20. I guess that I didn’t realize that I actually wanted a partner with some of my father’s attributes. My father was blind but took care of all business matters, finances, and household maintenance issues. I remember being in shock when I found out 30 days in our marriage that my spouse couldn’t fix a running toliet.

 

[Transformer]

She seemed to attract those in need of caretaking but at least she got a little fun.

Nope, I don’t think she had a lot of fun. And yes, all the ladies asked if she was looking for sexual intimacy why did she start a relationship with a person with severe diabetes and hypertension. Plus, he had noticeable hygiene issues which she confirmed after his death. We were all shocked when she revealed they were in a relationship given she was very polish—elected for breast surgery and a tummy tuck at age 68—-while he was overweight, dressed in “zoot suits” that I’m sure came from his father’s closet, and everyone was convinced he didn’t own a toothbrush.

 

[Transformer]

Her happiness wasn’t something he really appreciated.

I hear this loud and clear and think this is IT. My happiness is not a priority for him—only his happiness and contentment matters. It’s selfishness. When the kids were smaller a running joke in the family was that the his priorities were- kids, the lawn, job, and Lakers basketball, The kids would contest that order and thought they were second after the lawn.

Now, everyone thinks it is—Bowling, grandkids, lawn, and Golden State basketball. Last week when I asked “why do you leave the heavy decisions to me?” he didn’t reply. I think he considers himself light years over his father and to him that’s an achievement. Yes, he washes dishes and cleans the kitchen after I cook everyday, will wash and fold clothes, and clean toilets. But that’s easy physical labor to me.

 

[Transformer]

Duplicate

 

[dancinstallion]

I hear this loud and clear and think this is IT. My happiness is not a priority for him—only his happiness and contentment matters. It’s selfishness. When the kids were smaller a running joke in the family was that the his priorities were- kids, the lawn, job, and Lakers basketball, The kids would contest that order and thought they were second after the lawn.

Now, everyone thinks it is—Bowling, grandkids, lawn, and Golden State basketball. Last week when I asked “why do you leave the heavy decisions to me?” he didn’t reply. I think he considers himself light years over his father and to him that’s an achievement. Yes, he washes dishes and cleans the dishes after I cook everyday, will wash and fold clothes, and clean toilets. But that’s easy physical labor to me.

I empathize with you. I found out in 2011 that my marriage mirrors yours in so many ways.

It is mentally draining to be the only one in control of certain tasks and I know my spouse won't do it, like taxes, planning travel/vacations, kids schooling etc,
I just planned trips for the whole year and it was exhausting and very time consuming to plan, I started getting bitter wishing that for once he would plan it, but I know I am the one that wants to travel (if it were up to him we wouldn't go) and if I allow him to plan it then he won't research enough and botch it.

Your hubby definitely needs to step up. Sorry I don't have any advice.
I wish you happiness and peace and for you to do whatever it takes to get it.

 

[awhyley]

@Black Ambrosia
Thanks so much for the excerpts from the book. This is just how I feel—it’s the papercuts, the little things, not huge argument that end marriages. Those little things add up and eventually become big resentments.

i doubt I can get him to read the book unless it is endorsed by Stephen Curry. He’s going to say “and now you want to go and change things. Things are fine. You take care of things leaving me the freedom to concentrate on achieving a 300 game score in bowling.”

Ask him to read it anyways. You might be surprised. If he refuses, you may have to put it out there and you're tired of the situation and may pursue more permanent changes.

 

[LivingInPeace]

i was 19 and he was 20. I guess that I didn’t realize that I actually wanted a partner with some of my father’s attributes. My father was blind but took care of all business matters, finances, and household maintenance issues. I remember being in shock when I found out 30 days in our marriage that my spouse couldn’t fix a running toliet.

I figured you two were very young when you got married. When I got married I was 32 and my husband was 35. He had lived alone for a decade and a half so he was accustomed to taking care of himself and his own household.

 

[Transformer]

I empathize with you. I found out in 2011 that my marriage mirrors yours in so many ways.

It is mentally draining to be the only one in control of certain tasks and I know my spouse won't do it, like taxes, planning travel/vacations, kids schooling etc,
I just planned trips for the whole year and it was exhausting and very time consuming to plan, I started getting bitter wishing that for once he would plan it, but I know I am the one that wants to travel (if it were up to him we wouldn't go) and if I allow him to plan it then he won't research enough and botch it.

Your hubby definitely needs to step up. Sorry I don't have any advice.
I wish you happiness and peace and for you to do whatever it takes to get it.

Speak up! Don’t wait as long as I have and become bitter.

 

[Plushottie]

Nope, I don’t think she had a lot of fun. And yes, all the ladies asked if she was looking for sexual intimacy why did she start a relationship with a person with severe diabetes and hypertension. Plus, he had noticeable hygiene issues which she confirmed after his death. We were all shocked when she revealed they were in a relationship given she was very polish—elected for breast surgery and a tummy tuck at age 68—-while he was overweight, dressed in “zoot suits” that I’m sure came from his father’s closet, and everyone was convinced he didn’t own a toothbrush.

Some enjoy those pet projects like that visual is horrible

 

[Black Ambrosia]

Some enjoy those pet projects like that visual is horrible

I think they like feeling needed and don't realize the extent of the project until they're knee deep in it. I agree though. That visual is repulsive. I assume she wasn't attracted to him but idk how you do that. I guess it was just companionship.

 

[Plushottie]

I think they like feeling needed and don't realize the extent of the project until they're knee deep in it. I agree though. That visual is repulsive. I assume she wasn't attracted to him but idk how you do that. I guess it was just companionship.

I agree that feeling of being needed destroys so many ladies.

 

[silverbuttons]

Doesn’t sound like he’s going to change. Hire a personal assistant to get these things done (a good looking one that wears muscle shirts) and go live your best carefree life.

 

[guudhair]

Have you considered not doing all of those things anymore (directly and indirectly)? Specifically the things he ”should” take the lead in…his health screenings, vehicle maintenance, and/or anything else you feel he should or that you just don’t want to do anymore. If you’re ok with stopping, just stop.

I hated the role I put myself in as well (similar to yours). Once I realized my efforts were not appreciated or reciprocated, I stopped and have felt so much lighter since.

Everyone prioritizes what’s important to them and makes sure whatever it is gets taken care of without being prompted 50-11 times. I thought about what I was prioritizing vs what he was then followed suit.

 

[Transformer]

Have you considered not doing all of those things anymore (directly and indirectly)? Specifically the things he ”should” take the lead in…his health screenings, vehicle maintenance, and/or anything else you feel he should or that you just don’t want to do anymore. If you’re ok with stopping, just stop.

I hated the role I put myself in as well (similar to yours). Once I realized my efforts were not appreciated or reciprocated, I stopped and have felt so much lighter since.

Everyone prioritizes what’s important to them and makes sure whatever it is gets taken care of without being prompted 50-11 times. I thought about what I was prioritizing vs what he was then followed suit.

I hear You and you’re totally right. I brought up to my therapist and naturopath months ago about him not following up on his health. They both said “he’s made his choice and you have to respect that.” But guilt got the best of me. I kept thinking about how much the grandkids ADORE, WORSHIP, IDOLIZE their grandfather and decided to do a second push. You can’t turn back the clock on health issues. My sister has had bleeding for over three years and ignored it. She’s in surgery prep as I write this for uterine cancer.

Plus his health issues were weighing heavily on me—your spouse‘s health affects you, especially when you know you will be their main caregiver regardless.

 

[awhyley]

You need to show him this and see what he thinks.

 

[Transformer]

You need to show him this and see what he thinks.

View attachment 482443

This would be him to me. He does dishes and cleans the kitchen every night. Like today, he cleaned out the refrigerator And the freezer and he’s very, very thorough. That left me with a virtual appointment with the estate planner and going through 20 years of tax returns. I would rather have reverse roles.
He does household daily chores but won’t do home maintenance unless ”directed.” My biggest issue is that major financial, and planning decisions are left to me. Maybe a change is going to come because TODAY he made his own appointment with a dermatologist over a skin lesion AND booked his own Quest Lab appointment for bloodwork.

 

[awhyley]

This would be him to me. He does dishes and cleans the kitchen every night. Like today, he cleaned out the refrigerator And the freezer and he’s very, very thorough. That left me with a virtual appointment with the estate planner and going through 20 years of tax returns. I would rather have reverse roles.
He does household daily chores but won’t do home maintenance unless ”directed.” My biggest issue is that major financial, and planning decisions are left to me. Maybe a change is going to come because TODAY he made his own appointment with a dermatologist over a skin lesion AND booked his own Quest Lab appointment for bloodwork.

This is promising. Now, if he keeps it consistent, this marriage can be saved. Here's a little local advice.

 

[Transformer]

I heard this rather recently.

Woman in midlife was asked sarcastically why she never FOUND a man and got married. Her reply “Guess, I was just lucky.”

I really envy her.

 

[Transformer]

I had been doing so well. Walking at least three miles EVERYDAY, taking HIIT 3 times a week, and laying off the junk food. Hubby had a family reunion that I didn’t want to attend but he laid on the guilt. Reminded me that he played Bus Driver for my Sisters’ Reunion in April so I bent and went. I was so looking forward to four days of eating Coldstone Ice Cream and popcorn in bed. Alas, it didn’t happen. When I returned, I couldn’t make through a full HIIT class—had developed bronchitis.

Here’s where the resentment resurfaced. It’s 9am and I’m still in bed because I’m sick—he stays in bed. I want the bed to myself. Three days later My fever drops ONE degree lower —-Him: “Aren’t you better now?” Me: Hell No!
Two weeks later and I’ve finally managed to have energy for about 3 hours a day——Him: Lustfully looks at me and say “you ARE better now.”

I really envy women without significant others.

 

[awhyley]

When I returned, I couldn’t make through a full HIIT class—had developed bronchitis.

Here’s where the resentment resurfaced. It’s 9am and I’m still in bed because I’m sick—he stays in bed. I want the bed to myself. Three days later My fever drops ONE degree lower —-Him: “Aren’t you better now?” Me: Hell No!

Two weeks later and I’ve finally managed to have energy for about 3 hours a day——Him: Lustfully looks at me and say “you ARE better now.”

Lustful is good.

 

[hopeful]

Aww Transformer, I’m not on the forum much anymore. I thought you were already divorced. But sounds like you hung in there for multiple reasons. I left my ex 7 years ago after nearly 30 years of marriage and never looked back. We live in a world primarily made for men. Upon divorce most men often move on quickly and find someone else willing to do what you did but with a smile on her face. We, on the other hand, want something very different, and it can be difficult to find a partner who is capable of actually truly partnering with us. That said, I much prefer being single than being married to him. I’m calmer, happier, and have so much peace. It took me so long to gather the courage to leave and not being in a couple can be really hard sometimes, but my only regret is that I wish I’d left decades sooner. But I wish you the best my dear. There really does come a point where it’s not worth leaving. The aftermath of divorce can be intense and timing really does matter. So I just wish you all the best as you navigate your marriage and your life.

 

[sunnieb]

@Transformer I'm not on the forum like I used to be (like @hopeful), but I hate I missed this thread.

I'm another woman who divorced after being together over 30 years. It's been 2 years since I left my "marriage". Much, MUCH better now! I don't regret it at all! The intricate details don't matter, but it was a long time coming. He was not worth my time and energy anymore. Luckily, I got out right before I turned 50, so I have plenty of life left to live in peace. I've dropped 62lbs so far and plan to drop another 20 - gotta keep my health up! My career is taking off at lightening speed because I can dedicate my brainspace to work and not dealing with that fool ex of mine. Dating isn't anywhere on the horizon for me, even though I see that I'm catching the eyes of men out there. Don't want 'em!

I hope you are doing well in whatever decision you made. Just know that it doesn't matter how long you've been married. It's never too late to do what's best for you. Divorce after so long isn't an easy or quick process, but in my case, it was worth it and I wouldn't change a thing.

All the best!