Financial Infidelity

[Perfexion]

My coworker came to work last night hysterical because she caught her husband cheating. He wasn't cheating with another woman (or man). She found out that he had a secret bank account and he had been hiding tens, maybe even hundreds of thousands of dollars from her. And no, he wasn't using the money for hookers, nor was he saving up the money to buy something special for the family. He just likes having his own money. Before my coworker got married she had that whirlwind "Sex and the City" lifestyle where she bought $500 shoes and $700 purses and she was always out on the town. I assume her husband had a similar lifestyle before they got married too. After they got married they spent maybe a year living it up before they started having children because I think she was 34 when they got together so there was a little pressure to start having babies. They mutually agreed to give up that lifestyle in order to settle down into the family life. So they got rid of their one bedroom condo and bought a house in the burbs. He sold his Porsche and they got a mini van. She gave up designer purses in exchange for ridiculously overpriced diaper bags. Now they have 3 kids and she is always coming to work crying broke. I don't know how she found out because I came in the middle of the story but he has a secret bank account, and even a boat that he has been hiding from her for who knows how long. And like I said, he doesn't cheat on her with other women. He doesn't have a secret second life with other kids or anything crazy like that. He just kept all the luxuries that she thought they gave up to have children. I don't know how I would feel about that if it was me. One of my other coworkers said that it's worse than cheating with another woman because it basically means that he doesn't trust her with money. I don't know if I agree with that but I would be seriously hurt. I don't know if that's grounds for divorce but it would definitely cause a huge rift in the relationship. How would you feel if you found out your husband was hiding money from you?

 

[pre_medicalrulz]

If he wasn't sharing the money with his family or pretending to be broke then I would be bothered by it. But if he takes care of home & I want for nothing then I wouldn't care. I may be bias though because I too have an account my FH knows nothing about & never will.

But why does he have to hide the boat though? That would piss me off! Shoot, I LOVE boats too!! Lol

 

[kaykari]

He has a secret boat? What is he, Dexter? How does she know he isnt cheating? He obviously has secret time to ride that secret boat. And I guess he secretly does their income taxes so she wouldnt have a clue about the secret money...or is into investing or something. Maybe he feels divorce is looming and is hiding assets

 

[ThickHair]

He has a secret boat? What is he, Dexter? How does she know he isnt cheating? He obviously has secret time to ride that secret boat. And I guess he secretly does their income taxes so she wouldnt have a clue about the secret money...or is into investing or something. Maybe he feels divorce is looming and is hiding assets

How does she not sign a join return or do they file married and seperate??? I will not sign just because someone told me, spouse or not. F that.

 

[lux10023]

dude is trifling..they ( actually she) downsized their entire life but he is stashing awayyy thousands of dollars and has a boattt---

wouldn't he take his family on the boat and enjoy it with them--dude is triflingggg, selfish and sketchy!!!!

 

[RUBY]

I think she should take half the money and split it in three accounts for the kids and then open another account for herself and then start stashing her own money. If he asks what happened to 'his' money should should tell him that "she found the account by accident but noticed he wasn't making much interest on it and decided to open better performing account for the kids, after all, that is who its for right?"

 

[lux10023]

love this...i would do the same thing!!!

i would get a male friend to call the bank and pretend that it is him as i would have all of his personal info- state i want to add my wife to this account---and i would redistribute his money into accounts for the family as i see fit--i would thank him for diligently saving all this money and let him know the money will be going to great use for the family!!!

all while smiling
he gone learn today

i would also dig a bit deeper and see what else this mofffffo is up to..sneaky SOB...

divorce no--but clearly there is some deceit going on and i would need to get to the bottom of this to salvage the trust we had left

I think she should take half the money and split it in three accounts for the kids and then open another account for herself and then start stashing her own money. If he asks what happened to 'his' money should should tell him that "she found the account by accident but noticed he wasn't making much interest on it and decided to open better performing account for the kids, after all, that is who its for right?"

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

This is equal to sexual, emotional cheating. I don't believe he's invested in their marriage, probably saving up to "upgrade" wives.

 

[pearcey]

wow, that's a new one I never thought of.

it is one thing to have your stash, but usually the other partner is privy.

that is a lot of hiding.

i thought i was going to come in here and read a lady was buying designer clothes or

shoes on a "secret" credit card and her husband found out after she failed to pay the '

mortgage or something.

 

[FemmeFatale]

Hmmm maybe he was the beneficiary of a policy and has decided not to touch the money..it can be an inheritance that he probably just stashed away. In any event, it didn't have to be some secret. Secrets are deadly in a marriage.

 

[RoundEyedGirl504]

I just wonder how she's so sure he isn't cheating or anything else? If he has the wherewithal to hide large amounts of cash, a boat (and I assume boating trips), how can she be so sure?

 

[Prettymetty]

Wow! Just wow! Hiding money and a boat? What else is he hiding? there is more to this story

 

[SincerelyJane]

The boat thing just adds a whole other level to the story. Boats can be pretty expensive to maintain, how has she never even seen this boat? Did she even know her husband had an interest in sailing?

Also the fact that she is crying broke while her husband has all this money... where is her money going? Does he make a lot more than she does or something?

Maybe she should stop spending her money on joint expenses and let him cover stuff for awhile while she builds up a cushion for herself. Since he's clearly all about establishing financial independence for himself he should also support her while she does the same.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

Hundreds of thousands of dollars hidden and a secret boat!

He's up to no good. Nobody hides hundreds of thousands of dollars unless they are making an escape plan. She needs to hire a PI to follow him and find out who he's taking out on the boat (presuming it's not just a small fishing boat or something inexpensive).

This reads like an episode of American Greed.

 

[awhyley]

This is more serious than I thought. I agree that a private investigator is in order. I have so many questions;

i/ Does she knows how much he's making?
ii/ If so, where's this extra money coming from? Second job, etc.?
iii/ How is their relationship? Smooth? Stormy? (Rocky now i guess, but still)
iv/ If he does have a sweetie on the side, what's the next step?
v/ I'm still trying to know how she found out about his extra money in the first place.

It's kinda hypocritical that women are ok with having a separate account, but this guy has one, and all heck breaks lose. The boat thing is strange though. Don't leave this hanging with this one OP.

 

[nlamr2013]

my my. How does your husband have a boat you don't know about?
He needs help. He probably feels a certain way because he had to sell his car. And did the wife think they were struggling?
So many questions.
Like does she not know his income? I agree like someone says what about taxes. I know my mom's income from her tax information and that's just for my FAFSA Like dude.

 

[nlamr2013]

^^ it really is hypocritical to say women can have secret accounts but not mem. Usually though we it women it's not a secret about the account just the amounts from what I've heard about.

 

[Perfexion]

I'm still not 100% sure how she found out about the account but she started digging and that's how she found out about the boat. He does like to sail but I think he told her that he sails on his buddies' boat. But she found a document with his name on it from the marina where his boat is docked and a receipt that he signed for with the last 4 digits of his credit card on it. So the background on this lady: she is a nurse and her husband is some marketing VP. He also has a side business that is like head hunting or something, but she knows about that. Together they make well over 6 figures a year but they have a lot of bills. Their home cost $2 million dollars and they have an au pair, plus a summer share in the Hamptons, plus he has a house in Bermuda or Bahamas or wherever he is from. He does make way more than she does, but not millions of dollars. He probably makes around $100,000+ without her, and then she makes close to $100,000 herself. Side note: He is West Indian. She's White. He worships the ground she walks on, and I say that both from what she tells me at work and actually having been over their home for one of her baby showers. He treats her like precious gold! That's why I believe her when she said he's not cheating. She did confront him and he admitted a lot. Plus once she found the account she went through ALL of his stuff- cell phone records, safe deposit box, email boxes, she tore their house up looking for ANYTHING she could find! I tried to call her to console her and get some more dirt but she's really upset. I'll see her tomorrow at work unless she takes a mental health day. That's all I know.

 

[NOEChic]

I think she should take half the money and split it in three accounts for the kids and then open another account for herself and then start stashing her own money. If he asks what happened to 'his' money should should tell him that "she found the account by accident but noticed he wasn't making much interest on it and decided to open better performing account for the kids, after all, that is who its for right?"

love this...i would do the same thing!!! i would get a male friend to call the bank and pretend that it is him as i would have all of his personal info- state i want to add my wife to this account---and i would redistribute his money into accounts for the family as i see fit--i would thank him for diligently saving all this money and let him know the money will be going to great use for the family!!! all while smiling he gone learn today i would also dig a bit deeper and see what else this mofffffo is up to..sneaky SOB... divorce no--but clearly there is some deceit going on and i would need to get to the bottom of this to salvage the trust we had left

this can get you and your naive friend put in jail. That is called stealing and is illegal. And yes if my loving husband pulled that on me, I would be pressing charges.

 

[Mortons]

Let me get this straight. They have a 2 million dollar home on 200,000 a year total? That means their home is 10x their income which isnt something that typically can be afforded. AND a summer Hamptons share? AND a house in Bermuda? All of their money should be going to housing alone!


And now you are telling me she found out about tens of thousands on the side and a boat.

This money is coming from some other place, and a place that she should be worried about if you ask me. That or he has been lying about his income. Either situation sounds illegally fishy to me. I would highly suggest a PI.

 

[LovelyLouboutin]

love this...i would do the same thing!!!

i would get a male friend to call the bank and pretend that it is him as i would have all of his personal info- state i want to add my wife to this account---and i would redistribute his money into accounts for the family as i see fit--i would thank him for diligently saving all this money and let him know the money will be going to great use for the family!!!

all while smiling
he gone learn today

i would also dig a bit deeper and see what else this mofffffo is up to..sneaky SOB...

divorce no--but clearly there is some deceit going on and i would need to get to the bottom of this to salvage the trust we had left

He'll learn alright. And you'll learn too. You know where you'll get your lesson? JAIL. Are you crazy? You and your friend would be making a FEDERAL prison your new hm if you did that.

 

[Mortons]

I think she should take half the money and split it in three accounts for the kids and then open another account for herself and then start stashing her own money. If he asks what happened to 'his' money should should tell him that "she found the account by accident but noticed he wasn't making much interest on it and decided to open better performing account for the kids, after all, that is who its for right?"

If a man did this to a woman's secret account would it be ok? Or would it be labelled controlling and financial abuse? I don't think people should be hiding money, but going about taking over their account and doing as you see fit is just as wrong. And would prove them right for hiding it since you did something illegal and untrustworthy.

 

[Fine 4s]

Let me get this straight. They have a 2 million dollar home on 200,000 a year total? That means their home is 10x their income which isnt something that typically can be afforded. AND a summer Hamptons share? AND a house in Bermuda? All of their money should be going to housing alone! And now you are telling me she found out about tens of thousands on the side and a boat. This money is coming from some other place, and a place that she should be worried about if you ask me. That or he has been lying about his income. Either situation sounds illegally fishy to me. I would highly suggest a PI.

Maybe valued at a million....how much did they put down? Interest rate? Mortgage term? When did they buy (predatory lending?) also slight exaggeration of value or purchase price, salary bonuses, all lead to....doable. Not what I'd do but OK

 

[Mortons]

Maybe valued at a million....how much did they put down? Interest rate? Mortgage term? When did they buy (predatory lending?) also slight exaggeration of value or purchase price, salary bonuses, all lead to....doable. Not what I'd do but OK

All true. However I have never seen a loan that was more than 5x the persons income no matter the interest rate, unless the income was well over the million dollar mark. Plus having other houses, that just does not seem doable at all. Unless, of course, there was a huge spike in the value of this home and the Hamptons home is on some cut rate deal. A balloon payment mortgage prior to 08 maybe?

Can you explain to me how a person has a 2 million dollar home (lets say they put down a generous amount of 20% which I doubt with a cheapie interest rate of 3%, maintains a boat, and 2 other homes + a staff in the home and kids? Real talk, cause I would love to see that budget so I can help replicate it with others.

 

[RoundEyedGirl504]

All true. However I have never seen a loan that was more than 5x the persons income no matter the interest rate, unless the income was well over the million dollar mark. Plus having other houses, that just does not seem doable at all. Unless, of course, there was a huge spike in the value of this home and the Hamptons home is on some cut rate deal. A balloon payment mortgage prior to 08 maybe?

Can you explain to me how a person has a 2 million dollar home (lets say they put down a generous amount of 20% which I doubt with a cheapie interest rate of 3%, maintains a boat, and 2 other homes + a staff in the home and kids? Real talk, cause I would love to see that budget so I can help replicate it with others.

Yeah that sounds fishy. But also OP is a 3rd party, she only knows what this woman shares. And we all know people will lie about finances with the quickness.

 

[CoilyFields]

Secret accounts are a hard one to me. I used to think that having secret accounts was wrong. But then I started to see the wisdom of women having them (since we statistically end up more poor after a divorce), but I still don't think men should have them. Double standard...yup. And I don't mean a secret shopping account, rather an emergency account.

 

[prettyinpurple]

I bet he came into some money and never told her.

She needs to look at the tax returns for that side business. Possibly it's making more money than he told her, or it's a front or something. That's a lot of money, I can't believe that she had no knowledge of it.

If she hasn't been looking at his tax returns or the business' tax returns all these years then she is a fool. That is need to know information.

 

[Fine 4s]

All true. However I have never seen a loan that was more than 5x the persons income no matter the interest rate, unless the income was well over the million dollar mark. Plus having other houses, that just does not seem doable at all. Unless, of course, there was a huge spike in the value of this home and the Hamptons home is on some cut rate deal. A balloon payment mortgage prior to 08 maybe? Can you explain to me how a person has a 2 million dollar home (lets say they put down a generous amount of 20% which I doubt with a cheapie interest rate of 3%, maintains a boat, and 2 other homes + a staff in the home and kids? Real talk, cause I would love to see that budget so I can help replicate it with others.

That's why I said predatory lending. I totally didn't qualify but I moved forward because I knew I was going to rent it out. Only focusing on the one main residence, no other assets...
Who knows what these people got....

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

Maybe he won the lottery? Or is a drug lord.

 

[GraceJones]

I think this man is dangerous. There is emotional abuse, physical abuse, and then financial abuse. She is being financially abused with this money he hid