*CherryPie*
Well-Known Member
I've always TOLD women to do this. Women should always have something squirreled away just in case. You never know. Men can get downright evil when things turn bad.
Financial Infidelity
- Thread starter Perfexion
- Start date
NOEChic
I may not always be right, but I'm never wrong.
when a woman has her own acct is she committing financial abuse?
This is what I would do. I would cut back on my contribution to the household bills and build myself a secret stash. I wouldn't even let him know that I had discovered the other account.
ladysaraii
Well-Known Member
Nope. I really think I'd different for women
NOEChic
I may not always be right, but I'm never wrong.
its the same thing. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. I actually encourage men and women to have a nut up account.
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*CherryPie*
Well-Known Member
This is one of those double standards that's not supposed to be equal. Women tend to get the short end of the stick after divorce. That's why women need to put something aside.
There's MANY double standards that favors men. I cannot understand why women are always trying to make things equal. Nothing is equal. Men are already in the lead in this double standard game.
There's MANY double standards that favors men. I cannot understand why women are always trying to make things equal. Nothing is equal. Men are already in the lead in this double standard game.
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FlowerHair
Reclaiming my time
The boat thing is really fishy. Why wouldn't he want to take his family out on a boat trip every now and then? For most married men, that's the joy of having a boat. That makes me believe the boat is for him and someone else...
I wouldn't mind if my spouse has a separate account, but if we were on our knees and trying to save every penny to survive it would really hurt if he had a luxurious lifestyle on the side.
I wouldn't mind if my spouse has a separate account, but if we were on our knees and trying to save every penny to survive it would really hurt if he had a luxurious lifestyle on the side.
FlowerHair
Reclaiming my time
It depends on their respective income, if a woman is a stay at home mom and the husband a high earner for instance, it's wise for the woman to save in case of a divorce etc.
naturalmanenyc
Well-Known Member
I told my BFF about this and she raised some interesting points.
Is your coworker a big spender like SATC Carrie who would buy shoes over paying rent?
If she knew about the money, is she the type that would burn through it?
As for the boat, the only thing I can presume is he got some amazing deal on the boat that he couldn't pass up.
Is your coworker a big spender like SATC Carrie who would buy shoes over paying rent?
If she knew about the money, is she the type that would burn through it?
As for the boat, the only thing I can presume is he got some amazing deal on the boat that he couldn't pass up.
NOEChic
I may not always be right, but I'm never wrong.
both should save. Men have been taken to the cleaners just like women. When I was getting my divorce I told my ex to save his money. When I left him, I don't think he had saved and ended up having to move in with some friends. I took my debt/accounts and he took his. Oh well.
Women get taken to the cleaners when they depend on the man to handle the finances and protect them. Know all incoming and out going money. Get a prenup that benefits you or a postnuptial that does. Review finances and accounts and incomes monthly. Don't stick your head in the sand and you don't typically wind up bad off.
sky_blu
Well-Known Member
The boat is ridiculous...BUT I will say my grandmothers husband hid money from her and with good reason. She would spend their last dollar to help anybody and she loves to shop! I remember her cashing his check when I was younger and taking debits out on accounts she wasn't even on...it was that bad. They had been renters for a long period of time and when it was time to buy their house he used that money to put a big down payment being that they were in their mid to late 60's. If he hadn't hid that money they would've still been renting in a tiny apartment.
My 1st thought was maybe he has a good reason. We don't see both sides of the coin. If he sees that she is having maxed out credit and still buying stuff they don't NEED thinking it is a NEED instead of a want it would be reasonable. WHY should he not have some HIS money saved up for a rainy day? I have been married over 25 years and we both have our own money so I don't have to take money from the joint for gifts and he does not either but when things get tight, in a jiffy we'll transfer to bills account to cover bills.
Just because the house may be worth 1 mill now it does not mean that they bought it for that price. There may have been appreciation, they may have put down a hefty deposit - I have seen many an intelligent person come in with 70% deposit on a mil house, then pay it off in short order. We don't have sufficient information to determine that something is shady in that area. where I am now, even with the crash, some homes have appreciated over 80% on average from 10 years ago.
ambergirl
Well-Known Member
What????
First off there is a big difference between maintaining a personal account and a secret account. I agree that having a personal account with just your name on it is not a bad thing. Good to have joint money and personal money. But unless the relationship is funky and you need to plan an escape, no need for it to be secret.
The problems here are 1) deception. He has deceived her. And if he can consistently lie over time about purchasing a boat or stockpiling thousands of dollars, what else could he be lying about? If he is the VP of Marketing in a company of any size in New York, he should be making a lot more than $100k+. So, is he even lying about how much money he makes? I also would not be surprised if he is cheating. Most men who hold on to secrets like this are cheating and Some men who cheat turn on the charm and generosity with the wife either out of guilt or again, deception. I wouldn't take his word or his behavior at face value.
And 2) withholding. Marriage is a partnership. He is basically saying my wife and children will live one lifestyle while I will live another. That is strange and selfish.
This is a huge violation of trust.
First off there is a big difference between maintaining a personal account and a secret account. I agree that having a personal account with just your name on it is not a bad thing. Good to have joint money and personal money. But unless the relationship is funky and you need to plan an escape, no need for it to be secret.
The problems here are 1) deception. He has deceived her. And if he can consistently lie over time about purchasing a boat or stockpiling thousands of dollars, what else could he be lying about? If he is the VP of Marketing in a company of any size in New York, he should be making a lot more than $100k+. So, is he even lying about how much money he makes? I also would not be surprised if he is cheating. Most men who hold on to secrets like this are cheating and Some men who cheat turn on the charm and generosity with the wife either out of guilt or again, deception. I wouldn't take his word or his behavior at face value.
And 2) withholding. Marriage is a partnership. He is basically saying my wife and children will live one lifestyle while I will live another. That is strange and selfish.
This is a huge violation of trust.
MizAvalon
Well-Known Member
Agreed. I will never be against any woman having a secret account if she feels like she needs one. On the whole, women make less money than men to begin with and then once children come into the picture her income diminishes even more. Or even flat out doesn't exist any more if she decides to stay at home. Meanwhile, he hasn't missed a beat in his career or earnings.
I know 3 women right now with young children who if their husbands decided they wanted out, they would be SCREWED.
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ambergirl
Well-Known Member
But why secret? I know plenty of women with personal, private accounts their husbands know about but can't access. My parents have been happily married forever, mom has never worked, but everybody knows she has her own personal account where she has deposited inheritance money and more. Nobody, including Dad, knows how much is in there and she's not telling either.
I think it's good for partners to know you have something of your own, I think believing you are completely beholden to them encourages bad behavior in some men.
MizAvalon
Well-Known Member
That's pretty much the same thing to me and would work just fine.
Whether you know about the account or not, you won't know how much is in it nor will you ever have access to it.
Perfexion
Well-Known Member
Personally, I think she would blow through the money. She spent $395 on a diaper bag for her second kid. She got a designer diaper bag for her baby shower for her first kid. I remember thinking that was absolutely ridiculous when she told me. I would still be hurt if I was her but her spending is crazy.
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Perfexion
Well-Known Member
I don't know how much his head hunting business brings in so they probably make more than that. But the house in Bermuda is his family house that maybe he got in a will or something, and the Hamptons house was a wedding gift from one of their parents. I don't think the Bermuda and Hampton houses have mortgages but they do pay for upkeep.
bklynbornNbred
Well-Known Member
She's only going to tell you enough to make it look like she's the victim. I'm sure he's well aware of her inability to save money &/or discern between needs and wants. I hope he had a pre-nup or a will/trust set up so its clear what that money is set aside for if anything ever happens to him. I have no issues with him having his own account.
Duff
Well-Known Member
the boat is highly fishy and proves that she goes through nothing. the boat is a very expensive hobby. plus he has to have it insured, docked, repaired, yearly services, winterized, etc.
when he goes on the boat, he is gone all day. even if she thought he was taking a friends boat out, this still does not explain why she and the kids were NEVER invited.
also boating is huge on holidays. and holidays that you'd normally spend with the family---4th of july, Memorial Day, Labor day, etc. I can't believe that he has his own boat and has missed some of these dates and I bet you he has not.
when he goes on the boat, he is gone all day. even if she thought he was taking a friends boat out, this still does not explain why she and the kids were NEVER invited.
also boating is huge on holidays. and holidays that you'd normally spend with the family---4th of july, Memorial Day, Labor day, etc. I can't believe that he has his own boat and has missed some of these dates and I bet you he has not.
Transformer
Well-Known Member
Has anyone....besides me considered that the EXTRA MONEY is from illegal activities. There life just sounds fishy. They apparently have a lot of family resources and with 3 kids she could be a SAHM who shops and arranges play dates instead of working.
MD_Lady
Well-Known Member
And it's always funny what some married people think suffices as a CYB move... Your spouse is your next of kin. If someone REALLY wants to keep this person from screwing them over at will, they're going to have to do more than move some money around.And that's a really good point
LiftedUp
Well-Known Member
ambergirl
Well-Known Member
Two things I want to say 1) If you have a secret boat, there's no way you're riding all over the ocean in your sailor hat by yourself. There's a secret lover in there somewhere. 2) What does he do for a living?
Okay! Probably all kind of "rocking" happening on that boat!
bklynbornNbred
Well-Known Member
OP said he had a boat not that he just bought it. He could have had it and didn't want to sell it given that he sold his Porshe for the mini van. Or his uncle could have bequeathed it to him in a will and he never told his wife because she spends money like water and he already gave up his Porshe so why can't he have something dang it
.. /soapbox/ *This is what happens when you get with someone you're not equally yoked with. If ya'll don't have the same financial goals or respect of money and you insist on still being with them then you must be ready to resort to reindeer games just to maintain a savings account (& not oh we have enough for 6 months of bills so I can keep shopping to keep up with the Joneses). If you're on the other side of not knowing that the money existed oh well. Hate the player not the game. /off soapbox/
FemmeFatale
Well-Known Member
I would die too if I was forced to trade in my Porsche for a minivan..what a drastic, horrible change to a small extent I get the husband.
to a small extent I get the husband.Similar threads
