Having A Secret Bank Account?

[MizzBrown]

I don't see where this has to do with family or cultures. When I get married I will have my own accounts that my SO will know about but He doesn't care because he knows how I roll. I'm doing it because I want to. I have seen IRL to many man leave their STHW high and dry after 20+ years of marriage. I have always told myself that will never be me. It has nothing to do with family or culture for me.

Yeah but is your future spouse and his family gonna GIVE you the startup money to put in that seperate account? That is completely different from just having you own. I think the husband/family SHOULD give the bride money.

I wouldnt mind him giving me $5k in cash in an investment account rather than a $5k engagement ring. Would your SO do the same for you?

It is a culture thing. Ask the average black man in america if he would do it and see what response you'd get.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

You absolutely should have your stash.

 

[fattyfatfat]

I think every woman should have some kind of money hidden away somewhere. Ive seen too many of my friends/family stuck in horrible situations because their SO/DH/FB (**** buddy) left them out of no where with no money, roof over their head, etc. Even if its money stored under a matress, better safe than sorry.

I know I have my account already....

 

[JD's Mom]

Yes, I have my personal account that he can only get in the event of my death. He knows about it (it has never been a secret). Everything else is joint, although I have control over most of our finances b/c I pay the bills and do the investing. It works for us.

 

[HopefulOne]

Yeah but is your future spouse and his family gonna GIVE you the startup money to put in that seperate account? That is completely different from just having you own. I think the husband/family SHOULD give the bride money.

I wouldnt mind him giving me $5k in cash in an investment account rather than a $5k engagement ring. Would your SO do the same for you?

It is a culture thing. Ask the average black man in america if he would do it and see what response you'd get.

In many families in the US, the question is what does the bride bring to the marriage in terms of dowry. The father of the bride checks out the financial viability of the groom and his family. The groom's family agrees to provide X with regard to homes, portfolios, further education, etc. The groom's family checks out what the bride is bringing. In my case, it was land. My father deeded land to me which I brought to our
marriage.

 

[shynessqueen]

Yeah but is your future spouse and his family gonna GIVE you the startup money to put in that seperate account? That is completely different from just having you own. I think the husband/family SHOULD give the bride money.

I wouldnt mind him giving me $5k in cash in an investment account rather than a $5k engagement ring. Would your SO do the same for you?

It is a culture thing. Ask the average black man in america if he would do it and see what response you'd get.

Yes, my SO would do it for me in a heart beat. My SO would give me his last if I asked for it. It still has nothing to do with culture for us. It's the understanding we have with each other. That is another reason why we are not having a big old wedding. I want that money to spend on our house and investments.


But I do agree with you. I can't base what my SO would do for me to what other man might or might not do for their SO/DW.

 

[Arcadian]

I've always had my own account, plus my own savings and retirement. He's got his own too. We have a joint account for household stuff that we both contribute to.

My parents have always been this way.

-A

 

[MizzBrown]

In many families in the US, the question is what does the bride bring to the marriage in terms of dowry. The father of the bride checks out the financial viability of the groom and his family. The groom's family agrees to provide X with regard to homes, portfolios, further education, etc. The groom's family checks out what the bride is bringing. In my case, it was land. My father deeded land to me which I brought to our
marriage.

Which bothers me because some cultures take it out of context and demand huge, obscene dowry's which become a burden on the bride's family and you have cultures that are trying to abort females because they are a burden on the family financially. Many families w/ too many girls are cursed while family's w/ boys are blessed.

I feel the woman is of the "weaker" sex and should require compensation for leaving her family to be with the man and in the event something happens, I would have my "secret stash" that HIS family help to fund when married.

 

[HopefulOne]

You know this is a great thread from many perspectives. Let's forget the family aspect. It is not always possible for a family member to negotiate for you. I think that all women should be aware of the financial situation they are accepting when they marry. We have to empower ourselves. Ask your DF to see his financial records and credit reports. Make a financial plan for the first five years. Figure out what you both want in terms of education, cars, etc. If you can't agree on a five-year plan, that is not a good sign.

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

You know this is a great thread from many perspectives. Let's forget the family aspect. It is not always possible for a family member to negotiate for you. I think that all women should be aware of the financial situation they are accepting when they marry. We have to empower ourselves. Ask your DF to see his financial records and credit reports. Make a financial plan for the first five years. Figure out what you both want in terms of education, cars, etc. If you can't agree on a five-year plan, that is not a good sign.

Excellent advice!

I maintain my own savings/checking accounts now, so I don't see why I wouldn't do that if I were married. I will have my own separate account and I don't think that it undermines the relationship either.

ETA: I voted yes and I wouldn't feel bad about it.

 

[locabouthair]

But why does it have to be a secret?

Even if two people have an account together why does it have to be a big deal if they each have their own seperate accounts? I would plan on saving money on my own and I would expect DH to do the same. I don't see the problem here.

 

[chellero]

I have my own accounts but there are no secrets.

 

[glamazon386]

My mom told me to have one. She does but my dad knows about it.

 

[SleekandBouncy]

You know this is a great thread from many perspectives. Let's forget the family aspect. It is not always possible for a family member to negotiate for you. I think that all women should be aware of the financial situation they are accepting when they marry. We have to empower ourselves. Ask your DF to see his financial records and credit reports. Make a financial plan for the first five years. Figure out what you both want in terms of education, cars, etc. If you can't agree on a five-year plan, that is not a good sign.

This is excellent advice and increases the chances of a woman's financial stability within marriage. Even if she doesn't come from a culture that practices the dowry system or doesn't have a father (or parents) who will do this for her, she can still accomplish a lot by following the above.

 

[tocktick]

i've seen women i know in real life burned by utter bastards when it comes to money. once they know they have money, they pressure them to use it, especially if they are married. i think in a marriage, it is harder to say no to that. although, ultimately, these women should have and should also have left. i've seen some men leave their wives and children with nothing because they took money, cars, even homes. if such women had had a secret bank account, at least he wouldn't have been able to touch that and the family could have had an easier time of getting back on their feet. i've also known one married man to have pawned his wife's jewellery etc in secret. greed is a powerful thing and some people just have ZERO morals when it comes to money.

my trust in men is quite low and i didn't even need to go through a lot of my own bad experiences to develop that mindset. i don't tar all men with the same brush but i am wary of them (aside from my brothers. even my own uncles are bad examples to me). i've just seen too many examples of worthless user men to be true. so i would keep a secret bank account; it would be for savings only. it would be there just in case i ever wound up financially dependent on a man but needed to leave asap. i don't want to wait X amount of time in misery whilst i saved up before i went. i don't believe this will ever happen to me (being in such a relationship and being totally financially dependent on a man) but life has taught me it's worthwhile to be be safe rather than potentially sorry later anyway.

 

[FlowerHair]

I've always had my own account, plus my own savings and retirement. He's got his own too. We have a joint account for household stuff that we both contribute to.

My parents have always been this way.

-A

This is my style...
And I always have money stashed away in different places - it makes me feel safe and secure! I am not married, nor do I live together with my SO, but he knows that I always have "nuff" money to take care of myself and anyone that is in need. I don't see that changing if or when we get married. In fact, I more or less take care of his finances already I go to his account and pay his bills etc. The one who is financially savvy of the two has to do these things to create a sound family economy.

ETA: I don't believe in secrets though. Although he doesn't need to know down to the exact Krona what I have, it's good to be open about most things. He just needs to know that I do have my own money. That's all.

 

[healthynhappy]

DH and I have all kinds of accounts that I manage. He doesn't have a clue as to what's going on with the money. And he likes it that way.

He doesn't want to have to think about bills and all that stuff. The most he gets his hands in are the investments.

That being said, I have an ING account that he knows about but does not have access to and he doesn't care. He sees the money transferred from our joint account to my ING account every payday. He inquired about it once, I told him what it was, and that was the end of the discussion.

I think we are both secure enough in our relationship that he doesn't mind me having my own extra account because he knows I'm not going anywhere, and he knows that if something did happen, he can go out and make more money, but I might struggle a bit. So I think he wants me to feel secure although he knows he isn't going anywhere either.

He actually jokes that his money is our money and my money is my money.

 

[Leslie_C]

DH and I have all kinds of accounts that I manage. He doesn't have a clue as to what's going on with the money. And he likes it that way.

He doesn't want to have to think about bills and all that stuff. The most he gets his hands in are the investments.

That being said, I have an ING account that he knows about but does not have access to and he doesn't care. He sees the money transferred from our joint account to my ING account every payday. He inquired about it once, I told him what it was, and that was the end of the discussion.

I think we are both secure enough in our relationship that he doesn't mind me having my own extra account because he knows I'm not going anywhere, and he knows that if something did happen, he can go out and make more money, but I might struggle a bit. So I think he wants me to feel secure although he knows he isn't going anywhere either.

He actually jokes that his money is our money and my money is my money.

lol...thats funny. Im gonna tell hubby when he finishes school "Whats mine is mine and whats yours is ours"...Ill let u know how that goes over!

I think when we get married we will have a joint account for household expenses, a joint savings that we agree to contribute x amount to each month, and our own accounts for personal use. That way there is no getting into silly arguments bc he bought a video game or a pair of jordans(he collects them) or I bought some hair appliance and a buttload of mac or something. We can do whatever we want with our personal account, but arent allowed to withdraw from the savings without telling each other.

 

[MissScarlett]

I do not have a secret account, but I have a personal investment account that has nothing to do with DH and that is exclusively mine. He knows about it. He does not see the statements and he does not know how much is in it. It has not undermined our relationship at all. My father told him before he married me that he expected DH to allow me to maintain my own account which would be seeded with DD's money. My father also told him he expected DH not to have private accounts. He said if DH had a problem with any of this he knew plenty of young men who would not.

Ditto to the bolded. Its not a secret at all. Also, the account is sometimes funded by dh. My money is mine, dh's and mine is ours. Makes for a happy marriage

 

[MissScarlett]

DH and I have all kinds of accounts that I manage. He doesn't have a clue as to what's going on with the money. And he likes it that way.

He doesn't want to have to think about bills and all that stuff. The most he gets his hands in are the investments.

That being said, I have an ING account that he knows about but does not have access to and he doesn't care. He sees the money transferred from our joint account to my ING account every payday. He inquired about it once, I told him what it was, and that was the end of the discussion.

I think we are both secure enough in our relationship that he doesn't mind me having my own extra account because he knows I'm not going anywhere, and he knows that if something did happen, he can go out and make more money, but I might struggle a bit. So I think he wants me to feel secure although he knows he isn't going anywhere either.

He actually jokes that his money is our money and my money is my money.

This is dh exactly. He doesn't want the hassle of managing money and bills. He also knows my mind is like a mental calculator, I always know how much is any account and he can call me ask me for a balance. Our paychecks are direct deposited and I put them in the respective accounts, including dh's personal spending account and my personal account. Dh also will put a portion of proceeds from property sales or investment funds in my personal account.

 

[WaterChylde]

I have a separate checking and ING account. He knows about them. As long as our family bills are paid he could really care less what goes on in my accounts. I couldn't ever have a "secret" account. I saw the way he reacted when he found out an acquaintance of mine has one. For us, a lack of trust is not worth it to me.

 

[MzLady78]

Not 100% sure whether it would be secret or something along the lines of what HopefulOne did, but I will absolutely have my own account.

Unfortunately, like another poster said, there are folks who end up doing total 180s on you and I'm not trying to be stuck, especially if I have children.

I want to be a position where if my husband decides he wants to leave or acts a fool and I make him leave, I'll be okay.

 

[alexstin]

I don't have one, I don't feel one is necessary for me.

I think it is a good idea for some people though

Now if DH was beating on me or something equally bad I would definitely be stashing away money.

 

[reallynow]

Ditto to the bolded. Its not a secret at all. Also, the account is sometimes funded by dh. My money is mine, dh's and mine is ours. Makes for a happy marriage

Yep this is our set up for the most part. I have my own accounts, investments and retirement they are not secret and don't need to be, he knows the deal. When we first got married he funded an account of mine because I was paying off a debt. I used that money to build my investment portfolio and payed the debt off with my money over time.

 

[Allandra]

I don't see anything wrong with having a secret stash.

 

[Spidergul]

I have one, about a year now. An ING acct I set per this board. I only put $25/month in right now, but it's all mine
But I don't really think of it as a secret acct...we still have separate credit unions after 12 almost 13 yrs of marriage. I just handle the finances, his idea of paying on time is looking for a stamp on the day the bill is due.erplexed

 

[UmSumayyah]

When I got married I maintained my personal accounts. Dh knew about it. He never asked me how much did I have or could I put some money to this or that.
He accepts his mandate to be sole financial provider regardless of how much money I do or do not have.

 

[SimpleKomplexity]

Yeah I know that I am goign to have my own sepearate account. I remember my parents had a joint account (my mom funded most of it) and my dad blew some money withotu consulting her. That would have been a big problem concerning bills, mortage, and etc if he wasn't smart and had her own stash. When I get married, I want to be loving supportive and a team, but I also want to be independent too. What would happen it something happened to my DH? Health failed? Death? I would be SOL

 

[healthynhappy]

I have one, about a year now. An ING acct I set per this board. I only put $25/month in right now, but it's all mine
But I don't really think of it as a secret acct...we still have separate credit unions after 12 almost 13 yrs of marriage. I just handle the finances, his idea of paying on time is looking for a stamp on the day the bill is due.erplexed

 

[MizAvalon]

I will have a separate account. No reason for it to be secret though.