Ex-Wife wants a "tour" before child can visit?

[WhipEffectz1]

Interesting...

How the wife never met the child or the First Wives Club member who wants a royal tour in someone else ****??!! lmao

 

[TamedTresses]

How the wife never met the child or the First Wives Club member who wants a royal tour in someone else ****??!! lmao

First Wives Club?

That woman is out of line. It seems like she is feeling some type of way that the First Husband has moved on.

Like I said upthread, she will NOT be touring my house. If it were me, she would not even be invited. I will not be pretending that we are "friends" and invite her into my home. Tour? She must have lost a few screws on the day her ex got remarried.

Doesn't she live in a different state? She should stay there.

 

[Kalia1]

This is your step-daughter's mother and I would welcome her into my home, not as an inspector, but in the same spirit you would welcome any friend into your home. And it's not uncommon to give people a quick tour of your home when they come to visit.

I would head this off at the pass by being the bigger woman and extending the same hospitality to her that you would any guest.

I'm also raising my eyebrows at how it is that you never met his daughter. Unless you guys had an incredibly quick relationship, engagement, and marriage it seems like if your husband wanted this to happen he could have found a way for you to meet her during her annual summer visit. Including flying you to where he lived if need be. Based on that, I wouldn't assume that the ex is being unreasonable. This could be a reflection of some tensions in their relationship.

ambergirl-Our relationship was very quick and it's been beautiful thus far. I do believe that she should be welcomed as a guest.

Yes we live in a nice clean home. My mother-in-law suggested that his ex-wife may be afraid that his daughter may simply long to be with her Dad more as she gets older and her mother feels threatened.

There are tensions in their relationship. I have had privy to hearing them talk and she clearly has no respect for him. He is a passive person.

Believe me if he was gangsta she wouldn't be treating him as such.

I told him that he should never give his power to another.

I believe she is using her daughter as a pawn sadly.

He is a man who sincerely loves his daughter.

 

[ambergirl]

We tried REPEATEDLY to me with her and his daughter prior to marrying!

She was always giving excuses as to why it simply wasn't a good time.

smoothie696-I look at it from her view being a mother as well. I have no problem however it will simply be on my terms. As another poster stated we can do lunch nearby. She is free to come in see their daughter's room and the bathroom and that's it!

The dynamics of when/where/how of our marriage has nothing to do with anyone.

My husband and I simply want a peaceful summer with his daughter.

Not wanting to divulge much but my husband states that he distinctly got his daughter a cell phone and pays the bill so he can simply contact his daughter. He states that his ex-wife was always asking him personal questions in regards to his private life before he married me. He doesn't see her as a friend sadly.

He simply wants to keep it to the business of their daughter and discuss only about her. She in turn will keep the phone off and not allow the daughter to check the voicemail messages.

For example last week he called his ex-wife's line to see why there had been no returned calls. She states the phone was lost. He let his ex-wife know he was disconnecting it. The next day the phone was found in the couch.


Ladies who believe I should be checked out that's fine. I don't have anything to hide.

All of this may be true, but at the end of the day this is the mother of your husband's child and both you and he need to find a way to be bigger people then the mother if you don't want to create an extremely difficult situation for his daughter.

You can go the limited access route and continue to play the game she is trying to set up or you can nip it in the bud by refusing to go to that level. Showing her the courtesy you would any guest, even though she may not deserve it, will most likely neutralize whatever situation she is trying to set up.

Trust, if she really is a *****, then she will probably do everything in her power to create tension, undermine you, your husband, your relationship, etc. Your best bet is to not meet her on her level, but to up the game...treat her as you would like her to be not as she is. People have a tendency to act according to our expectations so if you put forward the expectation that she is a person deserving of the same courtesy you would extend to anyone else, you have a greater likelihood of encouraging her to behave herself.

 

[WhipEffectz1]

First Wives Club?

That woman is out of line. It seems like she is feeling some type of way that the First Husband has moved on.

Like I said upthread, she will NOT be touring my house. If it were me, she would not even be invited. I will not be pretending that we are "friends" and invite her into my home. Tour? She must have lost a few screws on the day her ex got remarried.

Doesn't she live in a different state? She should stay there.

Wanna come in somebody else **** and see how they living to demand an increase in child support payments.

 

[TamedTresses]

Wanna come in somebody else **** and see how they living to demand an increase in child support payments.

Good point. I didn't even think about that.

I see a lot of people who are saying they will open their door to her like she is a friend. Oh really? It is always so much easier to type something when we are not the one going through it. Concern for where the child is sleeping? *insert side-eye here* I am NOT buying it.

 

[ambergirl]

ambergirl-Our relationship was very quick and it's been beautiful thus far. I do believe that she should be welcomed as a guest.

Yes we live in a nice clean home. My mother-in-law suggested that his ex-wife may be afraid that his daughter may simply long to be with her Dad more as she gets older and her mother feels threatened.

There are tensions in their relationship. I have had privy to hearing them talk and she clearly has no respect for him. He is a passive person.

Believe me if he was gangsta she wouldn't be treating him as such.

I told him that he should never give his power to another.

I believe she is using her daughter as a pawn sadly.

He is a man who sincerely loves his daughter.

Yes, she probably does feel threatened. But meeting her tit for tat on this will not make her feel less threatened. And an ex-wife who feels threatened will just make herself a bigger thorn in your side.

I know it's hard but I think the best route is to treat her with kindness and respect. It will probably throw her for a loop. This doesn't mean allowing her to disrespect you, but it does mean being polite, courteous, honest with her.

 

[Kalia1]

@ambergirl-You are speaking the truth. I firmly believe that I must be the better person in this scenario. Even encouraging my husband to let the past simply be the past. She may have said what she said to him different from the way he told me. I don't know.

Let me ask you a question. If I call myself tomorrow and invite them for dinner next Saturday and she declines then what? She 99.9 will decline because she didn't suggest it.

This is the first time I have ever been serious with a man who has a child. I look at my conduct towards my ex-husband and who he is with. I don't or have never stressed them about the kids. I simply want to do that which will welcome his daughter and let her mother know I am not "Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm"

 

[ambergirl]

Good point. I didn't even think about that.

I see a lot of people who are saying they will open their doorsto her like she is a friend. Oh really? It is always so much easier to type something when we are not the one going through it. Concern for where the child is sleeping? *insert side-eye here* I am NOT buying it.

I'm not saying it's easy. I'm saying it's a strategy for managing her arse. And if she wants more child support she doesn't have to see the home to demand it. Better to start with the high road because the low road ain't go anywhere so that can always be your fall back plan if you choose.

 

[TamedTresses]

I'm not saying it's easy. I'm saying it's a strategy for managing her arse. And if she wants more child support she doesn't have to see the home to demand it. Better to start with the high road because the low road ain't go anywhere so that can always be your fall back plan if you choose.

Who said that she had to see the home to demand more child support?

It's not a low road to deny someone to tour your home. That is still the home of the daughter's biological father and she has slept there before.

 

[ambergirl]

ambergirl-You are speaking the truth. I firmly believe thatI must be the better person in this scenario. Even encouraging my husband to let the past simply be the past. However She may have verbalised it to him different from the way he told me. I don't know.
Let me ask you a question. If I call myself tomorrow and invite them for dinner next Saturday and she declines then what? She 99.9 will decline because she didn't suggest it.

This is the first time I have ever been serious with a man who has a child. I look at my conduct towards my ex-husband and who he is with. I don't or have never stressed them about the kids. I simply want to do that which will welcome his daughter and let her mother know I am not "Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm"

Laughing at Rebecca. You're right though. You definitely don't want her to think you're naive or a push over....just straightforward, fair, honest, and kind.

Well, you know your situation best, so trust your gut. But I think inviting her and her daughter over for dinner would be a great idea. Not sure it matters if he calls or you. Might be better if he calls, actually. If she declines, then try to set up a dinner date in the future. If she hems and haws he or you could say you understand how this situation can feel a little awkward but you want her to know that she has an open invitation to come to your home for dinner or maybe even brunch. Or if she'd prefer, you'd be happy to go out for breakfast or lunch (I think early meals encourage lighter conversation and less tension...folks seem less likely to get mad over breakfast) if that would be more comfortable.

I think acknowledging her discomfort and expressing an openness and willingness to meet with her may help break down some of her walls.

At least you can give it a try. There are definitely some women out there that will just act out regardless of how you treat them. But this way you at least know you gave it a shot.

 

[ambergirl]

Who said that she had to see the home to demand more child support?

It's not a low road to deny someone to tour your home. That is still the home of the daughter's biological father and she has slept there before.

Somebody upthread suggested that.

Well I think trying to play the game on her terms is not the way to go and that's what denying her a "tour" sounds like. The ex is putting it out there like that because she wants to start some mess. But if you call her bluff and say sure, you are welcome to see my home, it just takes the wind out of her sails. She might even back off completely because we all know this has nothing to do with her seeing the home. It's about control. And if you don't feed it, it dissipates if not fades away all together.

 

[Kalia1]

@ambergirl- I thank you sincerely for your words. I appreciate too the candor of ThatJerseyGirl too.

You both as well as other posters are speaking the truth.

I will do as my mother-in-law suggested and put on my "big girl pants" and get my husband to extend an invitation. I believe breakfast or brunch would be nice. Yes and giving it a shot is key.

In the end one never knows. I am also going to stress to my husband the seriousness of establishing visitation to avoid any tit for tat scenarios in the future. This is key.

 

[TamedTresses]

Somebody upthread suggested that.

Well I think trying to play the game on her terms is not the way to go and that's what denying her a "tour" sounds like. The ex is putting it out there like that because she wants to start some mess. But if you call her bluff and say sure, you are welcome to see my home, it just takes the wind out of her sails. She might even back off completely because we all know this has nothing to do with her seeing the home. It's about control. And if you don't feed it, it dissipates if not fades away all together.

The comment she made was not far-fetched, but it didn't state that she had to tour to ask for an increase. I think it was a valid point though, because if she sees they are living better than she thought, she just might ask for an increase.

We obviously see things differently. I guess I'll take the "low road" then because I will not be giving her a tour to MY home. She can want control all she wants, but I control MY home. The whole thing sounds silly to me, honestly.

Anyway, we will agree to disagree on that one, because I won't be giving that woman a tour...NO way.

 

[ambergirl]

@ambergirl- I thank you sincerely for your words. I appreciate too the candor of ThatJerseyGirl too.

You both as well as other posters are speaking the truth.

I will do as my mother-in-law suggested and put on my "big girl pants" and get my husband to extend an invitation. I believe breakfast or brunch would be nice. Yes and giving it a shot is key.

In the end one never knows. I am also going to stress to my husband the seriousness of establishing visitation to avoid any tit for tat scenarios in the future. This is key.

Love that your mother in law is on your side in this! And you only have to deal with this for what 5 or 6 years? And then the daughter is 18 and can do what she wants. That will go by likethat...especially if you can find a way to keep the peace! Good luck girl and let us know how it all turns out. I'm sending my best wishes....

 

[Kalia1]

@TamedTresses-I must admit I am conflicted. I keep thinking of the ThatJeseyGirls comments and based on what I have been told about her I think that to not allow her is best. She clearly sounds like her motives is as ThatJerseyGirl stated.

Then there is the side of me that wants her to see she ain't phasing me one bit with her antics. I have been around a few corners more than most.

I simply want the introductions done and for her to understand
I will never harm her daughter for I have one too!

I want to let her know that she is blessed to have an ex who pays child support without being forced and even desires to spend quality time with his child. Numerous men don't spend time or a dime.

 

[Ladybelle]

As an ex-wife, I agree w/whipz & jerseygirl, I dont want da ex all up in mine and I know I no longer have rights up in his.(period). Plus the divorce decree clearly established visitation. Now, if one of the kids came back and told me some foul mess, I would then be all up in her house and I would go back to court but all of that can be avoided with clear boundaries and understanding. How they get divorced without a visitation arrangement ? Where they do that at?

sent from my htc evo

 

[TamedTresses]

@TamedTresses-I must admit I am conflicted. I keep thinking of the ThatJeseyGirls comments and based on what I have been told about her I think that to not allow her is best. She clearly sounds like her motives is as ThatJerseyGirl stated.

Then there is the side of me that wants her to see she ain't phasing me one bit with her antics. I have been around a few corners more than most.

I simply want the introductions done and for her to understand
I will never harm her daughter for I have one too!

I want to let her know that she is blessed to have an ex who pays child support without being forced and even desires to spend quality time with his child. Numerous men don't spend time or a dime.

Kalia1 I totally understand why you would be conflicted. You want to do right by your husband and his daughter, but it leaves you in a difficult situation.

I would meet her...definitely. Not meeting her would create even more tension. I do think it is important that you let her know and see that you love her daughter and have no intentions on harming her...just wouldn't meet her in my home. I also wouldn't mention the child support to her. I would let him handle that portion.

Anyway, it is easy for us to say what "we" would do, myself included, since we are not in your shoes. I can be a tad bit stubborn...in case you couldn't tell so I know she wouldn't be touring my home until it is empty and back on the market.

 

[ms.mimi]

Girl she tripping already. Ain't no way I would even entertain some pi$$ing contest w/her. She can't cut off visits because you won't bow down in your own house. His child is a teen not some 2 year old and even if the child was two, mom's out of line. She better checkout Dwayne Wade's ex's situation. Judges ain't having that bull no mo.
Ain't no ex coming up in my house. Then next week my windows busted, tires slashed and like Whip stated she hulling his butt into court for mo money. Don't think so.

 

[Ivonnovi]

I've only read page 1.

I understand all 3 positions on this matter. You and your husband have the right to feel the way's you do. BUT, unfortunately in this day and age when the media is full of kids being abused by (those close to them) perhaps this Mom is trying to "calm her insecurities" afterall she's not met you, and this is Her child.

I would allow her the visit, and while she's there "touring"; I'd address the whole situation, and establish boundaries for "Mom" realllllllllll quick!

In other words "Play this silly game with her" and let her know exactly where the buck stops!

 

[LilMissRed]

Been there. Done that one.

Personally I say she is more than welcome to come to our home as in 'drop their daughter off' and she can come into the main entry area, but thats as far as she needs to go.

This child is old enuff to call her mom to come and pick her up if shes not comfortable with the living arrangements while shes visiting u guys. period.

Ex wife is DEF being nosey and doing wayyyyyy too much.

Me being an ex wife(with kids) I always make a point of knowing where my kids are when they are staying with their dad whether he tells me where they are staying or not. yes... I make sure I get addresses of his gf's (the internet is my bff, all I need is a name ) incase he decides he/the kids will stay at her house, but no... I've never said oh lemme take a tour-thats crazy!

 

[libertysince05]

Laughing at Rebecca. You're right though. You definitely don't want her to think you're naive or a push over....just straightforward, fair, honest, and kind.

Well, you know your situation best, so trust your gut. But I think inviting her and her daughter over for dinner would be a great idea. Not sure it matters if he calls or you. Might be better if he calls, actually. If she declines, then try to set up a dinner date in the future. If she hems and haws he or you could say you understand how this situation can feel a little awkward but you want her to know that she has an open invitation to come to your home for dinner or maybe even brunch. Or if she'd prefer, you'd be happy to go out for breakfast or lunch (I think early meals encourage lighter conversation and less tension...folks seem less likely to get mad over breakfast) if that would be more comfortable.

I think acknowledging her discomfort and expressing an openness and willingness to meet with her may help break down some of her walls.

At least you can give it a try. There are definitely some women out there that will just act out regardless of how you treat them. But this way you at least know you gave it a shot.

I couldnt agree with this more.
Lets keep in mind that if things go sour the person that will end up most hurt is that little girl (the world is hard enough on women as it is, so they need all the support they can get).
Regarding the invite, if she cant make it on the date you suggest OP, have her pick a date. She may balk at doing breakfast (i know i would, 'cause i dont like early mornings and if i'm antagonistic towards someone its even worse).
Easter is coming up, maybe a early/late easter family celebration, but not matter what make it clear that you want to meet them as much (if not more) than they want to meet you!
It suks that you're in this position, but as soon as you meet you can move on to the next stage...
(If she gets along with your mother in law, maybe it would help if she was there during the meeting...it would help to show an united front)
Re the cell phone: did your husband discuss with her (the mother) giving the child a cell phone before he did it?
Parents that dont live fulltime with their kids dont always realise how stressfull it can be. I'm not surprised that occasionally the cell phone is off or goes missing, maybe she takes it away as punishment for bad behaviour or maybe she is like many parents that limit the amount of time their kids have ther cell phones. ( or she is just pissed that he gave her something that the mother couldnt afford or wasnt willing to buy the child, she may feel that he has undermined her authority)
Not just you but also your husband needs to improve his relationship with his ex, in order for this living agreement to succeed without needing court orders.

 

[sistatv]

Aint no motherphlucking way... *********.... She aint stepping not one left pinky toe up in my ish...

Naw son... If she wasnt concerned about it before why she in it now? I personally wouldn't entertain it at all.

At the very best I would send her some grainy *** cellphone pics of the childs room... But even that would be a hell naw for me... But you and the hubs have to do what you both think is right....

P.S. Get a visitation/child support order IMMEDIATELY... :LOOK:

 

[ambergirl]

I couldnt agree with this more.
Lets keep in mind that if things go sour the person that will end up most hurt is that little girl (the world is hard enough on women as it is, so they need all the support they can get).

Regarding the invite, if she cant make it on the date you suggest OP, have her pick a date. She may balk at doing breakfast (i know i would, 'cause i dont like early mornings and if i'm antagonistic towards someone its even worse).
Easter is coming up, maybe a early/late easter family celebration, but not matter what make it clear that you want to meet them as much (if not more) than they want to meet you!
It suks that you're in this position, but as soon as you meet you can move on to the next stage...
(If she gets along with your mother in law, maybe it would help if she was there during the meeting...it would help to show an united front)
Re the cell phone: did your husband discuss with her (the mother) giving the child a cell phone before he did it?
Parents that dont live fulltime with their kids dont always realise how stressfull it can be. I'm not surprised that occasionally the cell phone is off or goes missing, maybe she takes it away as punishment for bad behaviour or maybe she is like many parents that limit the amount of time their kids have ther cell phones. ( or she is just pissed that he gave her something that the mother couldnt afford or wasnt willing to buy the child, she may feel that he has undermined her authority)
Not just you but also your husband needs to improve his relationship with his ex, in order for this living agreement to succeed without needing court orders.

Exactly what I was thinking....kids living through divorce have it hard enough without mom, dad, and new mom toeing up on each other.

Right now all the info is flowing through your hubby and we all know that dealing with an ex, especially when a child is involved, can bring out the worst in a person.

I agree with liberty, as soon as you meet her you can see for yourself who you're dealing with and move on to the next phase.

 

[Urban]

If you jump through this hoop, she'll have a lot more hoops lined up for you ... because she'll know that when she says "jump," y'all ask "how high?"

She's just being nosey. If this was because you haven't met her or her daughter, then she should be asking to meet YOU ... instead of asking for a tour of every room of your house. This ain't MTV Cribs!

Get the courts to give you visitation rights. That way she can't make such demands.

 

[Klearli]

I think you should talk to your husband. It would probably be best to go with whatever he felt comfortable with. I think it is interesting you haven't met her or the daughter, but if they do not live near I could see that happening. If she tries to keep the girl away, your husband could sue for custody or visitation.

Sent from my T-Mobile G2

 

[Kalia1]

This morning my my husband decided that come Monday he will petition the court for sound custodial/visitation rights.

Ten years ago he was much younger and naive about things. So hence he didn't stress the fine points. He sees by having the visitation in place we as a couple can avoid the stress that could become draining.

I have shared with him some of the posts here and I think that made him see the seriousness of taking action.

 

[darlingdiva]

My husband is a real cool guy who doesn't want to involve the courts in regards to this. They have no court order in regards to visitation. He said that is a last resort.

Your husband should ABSOLUTELY have a court order in regards to visitation so that everything is spelled out according to the law, not her desires.

@pookaloo83 your twistout looks nice

My mother-in-law stated that she called her today too! My mother-in-law spoke highly of me to her and just told me to "put my big girl pants on" and offer to do lunch with her.Just his ex-wife and I.

I would be cool with it but what if she is the "crazy" one

I think it's absolutely wonderful that your mother-in-law is in your corner, but I highly disagree with her lunch suggestion. The two of you aren't girlfriends, so there's no need for you to "do lunch" with her.

@ambergirl-Our relationship was very quick and it's been beautiful thus far. I do believe that she should be welcomed as a guest.

Yes we live in a nice clean home. My mother-in-law suggested that his ex-wife may be afraid that his daughter may simply long to be with her Dad more as she gets older and her mother feels threatened.

There are tensions in their relationship. I have had privy to hearing them talk and she clearly has no respect for him. He is a passive person.

Believe me if he was gangsta she wouldn't be treating him as such.

I told him that he should never give his power to another.

I believe she is using her daughter as a pawn sadly.

He is a man who sincerely loves his daughter.

The bolded is precisely the reason that you cannot be passive. Several times throughout this thread, you have stated that you and your husband have tried to arrange a time to meet with her, but she's always been busy. Now that you are married to him, it's so pressing that she gets a of EVERY ROOM IN THE HOUSE (I'm sorry, but I had to scream that out. The chick has serious nerve.)...the same house that her daughter was staying in all of these years. Hmm...interesting.

I wholeheartedly understand the concern about knowing who her child will be around, especially in this day and age. However, what does any of that have to do with her touring EVERY ROOM OF THE HOUSE. She doesn't need to be in the house at all. That's how you know that her motives are off.

She will always be a part of your life because she has a child with your husband, but she NEEDS to know that she.does.not.run.you! As Urban stated, if you jump through this hoop, there'll be so many more lined up for you.

Set the tone now, and have your husband 1) get that visitation order ASAP and 2) stop being passive.

Oh, and SUPER SUPER SUPER DITTO ThatJerseyGirl's entire post.

 

[ClassicBeauty]

I would NEVER let my pre-teen daughter go to another state to stay the summer with someone I've never met (and she's never met!) at a home that I've never seen. For those of you who would...that's you.

If the new wife refused my visit, then she would not get the daughter. They would have to take me into court, and I know that the court would, at the very least, allow a social woker to visit the home to calm my concerns. It happens all the time!

 

[NOEChic]

Do not I repeat do not let that woman in your house. She can drop off pick up have the address and phone number but she don't need to be in your house. All she wants to do is see how y'all living and then try to hit him up for more money. You/y'all relationship was a non issue before now it's on the forefront of her to do list? *********! The cellphone issue plus the "busyness" when y'all tried to meet? Don't let that woman run your house because it will never end.