Do you ever choose your future spouse based on hair texture or skin colour?

Chocolatelove2010

Chocolatelove2010

New Member
Ok let me start of with I think that's just plain crazy. I have 2 black friends who choose who they date based on the man's texture of hair, and another black friend, whose dark-skinned herself but only wants to marry a light skin man so she can have 'light skin' children. :rolleyes:

I believe this is self-hatred but they all protest that it's only a type of preference and they love being black. Maybe so.... I duno. Personally I love my chocolate men (hence the name.. :lick:) But I've also liked other men. But I just don't understand women who would give up these fineeeee brothers. I've never looked at a man's hair texture or skin tone - if he's hot.. he's hot, nothing else to it. I don't need a strand of his hair to come to a conclusion. But alarmingly I'm noticing there are loads of people who choose their partner because they have a certain texture or skin tone and I think that's extremely sad. :nono: I came across 1 black guy who said he wants to impregnate a white woman, not to be with her..but just so he can have mixed race kids. :wallbash:

Beauty comes in all shades. People need to understand that..
 
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I've heard women say "oooh girl, if i married him our kids would have some pretty hair". :rolleyes: Me, personally, I'm physically attracted to double dipped chocolate black. :lick: However, I don't discriminate and will go with lilly white if he's a good man. I could care less about hair texture. Now I do want his hair to be well kept no matter the style. For example, I like locs but they would have to be fresh. Shoot, I'd even learn to twist 'em bad boys up every month just to keep them looking nice and neat.
 
The thing about being black or even mixed is you never know what you may end up with..we pull traits from waaay back sometimes.
 
well then if that man does the dirty on them they shouldnt be surprised because they have messed up way of choosing a partner!
 
I've never been one to :lovedrool: over any skin color (be it light, dark, or anywhere in between) and have always thought choosing a mate based on that (or hair texture) was foolish. I'd also be curious to know how, exactly, someone with this approach plans to guarantee that their children look absolutely nothing like them (in terms of hair texture and skin color) or family members who have similar physical traits. :scratchch
 
I prefer light skinned men..but SO doesn't fit that description. I didn't pick him solely on looks, but certain features were important to me.
 
Sounds like self-hatred to me...and if they don't like that term then how about self-unacceptance because marrying a "light-skinned man to have light-skinned children" just means that you don't find beauty in your own skin tone and/or couldn't bear the thought of passing that skin tone on.
 
No. Not me. But I do understand why some people may.

Childhood experiences may have caused hatred for ones skin tone/hair texture, so they don't want to pass this on to their children. Maybe they're thinking they're children won't be teased and grow up with self esteem issues like they did. Maybe this is their only way of stopping that cycle. Not instilling self esteem in their children regardless of what they look like....that's not how they rationalize it I guess.

I feel sorry for the children that come out looking not how the parent hoped.

It's a sad cycle.

ETA: I don't equate skin tone to certain attractiveness. I don't understand this way of thinking. Your facial features.....are what determines whether or not you are attractive imo.
 
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Personally, looks themselves mean very little to me (especially as time goes on), to say nothing of skintone or hair texture preferences.

There are many countries and cultures (including a few in Africa, unfortunately) where nobody hides such "preferences," as they are delicately called in the West.

Unlike in the U.S., it's not something people speak about in code or later backtrack about when called out on their colorism.

I've had people try to set me up, be like "He comes from a good family, good job, etc, and he and all his family are light-skinned! Perfect!" :perplexed: :barf: (to their attitude, not to the fact of lightskin).

Don't even try to convince them of rational points about internalized colonialism, or about how skin color and hair texture have no bearing on busted (or beauteous) facial features, or about genetics throwing you curve-balls no matter how a person's more recent generations look. Or shoot, even about how looks have no bearing on character.

And if you did try to point that out, you'd get the all-time favorite argument: "But light skin/looser hair is treated better in society, so for the sake of the children,...." :rolleyes:

Nope, no sirree. No arguing with them.
 
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Chocolatelove2010 said:
Ok let me start of with I think that's just plain crazy. I have 2 black friends who choose who they date based on the man's texture of hair, and another black friend, whose dark-skinned herself but only wants to marry a light skin man so she can have 'light skin' children. :rolleyes:

I believe this is self-hatred but they all protest that it's only a type of preference and they love being black. Maybe so.... I duno. Personally I love my chocolate men (hence the name.. :lick:) But I've also liked other men. But I just don't understand women who would give up these fineeeee brothers. I've never looked at a man's hair texture or skin tone - if he's hot.. he's hot, nothing else to it. I don't need a strand of his hair to come to a conclusion. But alarmingly I'm noticing there are loads of people who choose their partner because they have a certain texture or skin tone and I think that's extremely sad. :nono: I came across 1 black guy who said he wants to impregnate a white woman, not to be with her..but just so he can have mixed race kids. :wallbash:

Beauty comes in all shades. People need to understand that..
Click to expand...

So why are you so focused on chocolate?


I'm not gonna let it all hang out and make the band, but I have my own theories on what I hear so many AA women say.

The fetishization of dark skinned men shows internalized racism AKA self hatred to me. I've seen threads on anyone from jamie foxx to "give us free" and there is usually something completely unfounded said about their sexual prowess. These suppositions come from white racist ideology and white psycho-sexual pathology.
That some women don't seem to care what a black man looks like as long as he is dark (and sometimes bald or wearing locks) because his complexion tells them everything they need to know means that they think the same thing of black men and their sexuality and anatomy as any racist white. From the way they react, some black women see "buck" and "mandingo" when they see a darkskinned man.
 
To answer the question, No I don't.
I choose my future spouse purely on compatability/personality.
Hair/skin doesn't matter.
 
Chocolatelove2010 said:
Ok let me start of with I think that's just plain crazy. I have 2 black friends who choose who they date based on the man's texture of hair, and another black friend, whose dark-skinned herself but only wants to marry a light skin man so she can have 'light skin' children. :rolleyes:

I believe this is self-hatred but they all protest that it's only a type of preference and they love being black. Maybe so.... I duno. Personally I love my chocolate men (hence the name.. :lick:) But I've also liked other men. But I just don't understand women who would give up these fineeeee brothers. I've never looked at a man's hair texture or skin tone - if he's hot.. he's hot, nothing else to it. I don't need a strand of his hair to come to a conclusion. But alarmingly I'm noticing there are loads of people who choose their partner because they have a certain texture or skin tone and I think that's extremely sad. :nono: I came across 1 black guy who said he wants to impregnate a white woman, not to be with her..but just so he can have mixed race kids. :wallbash:
Click to expand...

Hell no. That is self-hatred straight up.

Optimus_Prime said:
So why are you so focused on chocolate?

I'm not gonna let it all hang out and make the band, but I have my own theories on what I hear so many AA women say.

The fetishization of dark skinned men shows internalized racism AKA self hatred to me. I've seen threads on anyone from jamie foxx to "give us free" and there is usually something completely unfounded said about their sexual prowess. These suppositions come from white racist ideology and white psycho-sexual pathology.
That some women don't seem to care what a black man looks like as long as he is dark (and sometimes bald or wearing locks) because his complexion tells them everything they need to know means that they think the same thing of black men and their sexuality and anatomy as any racist white. From the way they react, some black women see "buck" and "mandingo" when they see a darkskinned man.
Click to expand...

You make a great point. No offense to the OP, but I've heard so many black women's obsession with dark black men so much that it begin to sound just like the obsession some black men have with "red-bone, wavy-haired, hazel eyed" or just non-black women. They fetishize black men in the same way that white women do, but then many get mad when they see black men do the same. Its really hard to draw the line between preference and brain-washing. Which is why I absolutely cannot stand when I hear people talk about their "preferences" at the exclusion of most other human beings.

But I want you to let it hang all out. What are your theories? (I have a few of my own too, but you first :eyebrows2)
 
lol, I don't have an un-healthy obsession.

I stated my preference lies with dark-skin men, I find them sexy. BUT.. I've also liked caramel men, hell throw in vanilla men. (damn I love talking in flavours :lick: )

But I never choose somebody, and think hmmm... if I go with them that's how my kids will turn out. I go with people based on the chemistry/attraction I feel, and who they are. I think having a preference is cool, no self-hatred there. It's ONLY when the person starts saying ish like ''my childs hair will be like this... or my childs colour will be like this'' do I think there's some self-hatred issues at hand. :yep:

But I'm interested in other people's views...
 
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No, i don't. That's plain silly imo. The person i'm seeing is darker than me and has very curly/silky hair. Neither of these things made him "the one for me". Though I love me some dark skinned men i'm open to whatever works.
 
My perfect man since I was in grade one is brownskin, tall, medium build, with wavy hair, but that's just a preference, not a must..
 
No I don't but I can look at yummy Idris and think "Oh we'd have some chocolatey yummy kids with Brit accents lol"~~~~

My current SO is Japanese and an inch taller than me. He has wavy Asian hair and I prefer tall, dark and straight hair. But you love who you love...
 
I really like white guys, but want my children to look like myself (brown skin (no where near light), flat, wide nose, 4a hair, no chance in thinking they are mixed with anything besides Black and Black).

I don't think I could be friends with people who were that obsessed with light skin or curly/wavy hair.
 
CheLala13 said:
I really like white guys, but want my children to look like myself (brown skin (no where near light), flat, wide nose, 4a hair, no chance in thinking they are mixed with anything besides Black and Black).

I don't think I could be friends with people who were that obsessed with light skin or curly/wavy hair.
Click to expand...

Hmmm...so I guess you could be friends with someone who was that obsessed with dark skin and nappy hair? That sounds like what you just said......

You think its better to be obsessed with inherently "black" features?















If your answer is yes, IA with you, btw :lol:
Although I'm not quite sure how I feel about my way of thinking...
I don't think either way of thinking is ideal........

Which is basically what has been said up thread about AA women who have a strong preference for darker skin in their men. This doesn't sit all that well with me. But I think its "better" than having a strong preference for light skin (and wavy hair). Just because the former preference excludes most AA people and the latter includes most AA. And I think that makes more sense....to prefer your own people.

So when black women say they prefer darker skin, its like they're saying they prefer black people. And when black men say they prefer lighter skin, its like they're saying they prefer white people. Which, imo, is backwards.

(No, Im not saying that black men who prefer lighter skin are backwards. Read between the lines! :lol: )


Ok, now I'm just rambling :lol: Does this make any sense?
 
In the past I preferred darker skinned men. And no I wasnt one of those who thought any darker skinned man was handsome (not attracted to Tyrese or Lance, eva's ex). As I got older, it wasn't that important to me anymore. My SO right now is light skinned. As long as the guy is decent looking with good qualities, it doesn't matter.

I never chose not to date a guy based on his hair type.
 
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i prefer dark skinned tall skinny men
BUT i'm attracted to light skin men and in between all the time
i don't know if i should admit this BUT i've thought about what i want my kids to look like (my sis is married to a white man) and i don't want my kids to look too different from me...like mixed....:perplexed:hide: and NOT because i don't like mixed kids or anything, or i don't think they're beautiful, cause beauty can be found in ANY DARN RACE/COLOR etc but just cause for some reason i don't want them to look too different from me...maybe i'm silly but it's how i feel. but again, if it happens it happens, i'm not gonna turn down a perfect or dang near perfect partner cause "oh no! my kids are not gonna look too much like me!!!" that's silly...in the end i'ma love 'em like nothing else in this world regardless.
 
My preference was always deep dark skin tones...My s/o of five years a Chiney Black(The yardies know what I'm talking about)...Nothing like what I used to lust over.
 
qchelle said:
Hmmm...so I guess you could be friends with someone who was that obsessed with dark skin and nappy hair? That sounds like what you just said......

You think its better to be obsessed with inherently "black" features?














If your answer is yes, IA with you, btw :lol:
Although I'm not quite sure how I feel about my way of thinking...
I don't think either way of thinking is ideal........

Which is basically what has been said up thread about AA women who have a strong preference for darker skin in their men. This doesn't sit all that well with me. But I think its "better" than having a strong preference for light skin (and wavy hair). Just because the former preference excludes most AA people and the latter includes most AA. And I think that makes more sense....to prefer your own people.

So when black women say they prefer darker skin, its like they're saying they prefer black people. And when black men say they prefer lighter skin, its like they're saying they prefer white people. Which, imo, is backwards.

(No, Im not saying that black men who prefer lighter skin are backwards. Read between the lines! :lol: )


Ok, now I'm just rambling :lol: Does this make any sense?
Click to expand...

This was my point in the ET thread. However, I still feel some kind of way about the notion of lighter skin -> white because it sends a message to those with light skin that they are not black enough and that those who prefer them only want them because they aren't the "ideal" representative of a true nikka. :ohwell:
 
I think that's a silly reason to choose a mate. My DD is a perfect example of "you never know what you're gonna get" I thought for sure she'd be dark skinned, 4a kinky hair. NOPE. She looks just like DH.When she was born her eyes were blue and would occasionally change to gray(Now they're a lightish brown), her hair is thin like my MIL and DH's hair and she's much lighter than I am but darker than DH.. My child looks nothing like me. It used to bother me because I wanted a mini me (and trust me, she is........personality wise lol) but I dont even notice it.I'm pregnant. Im not even trying to guess this time around lol

I think it's shallow to choose a mate for that reason. But I understand it. Experiences will make shape the way you are and your preferances. My mom loves my DD but always says "I wonder what you and J's (my ex) babies would have looked like. Probably light skinned, with blue eyes and blonde hair" He was jewish with blonde hair and blue eyes. She so badly wanted that. Me? All I can think is that my kid had the possibility of being a moron (he was THAT stupid). I prefer my DH. But her experinces shape what she finds beautiful. She also said she wishes she had had us (my siblings and I) with one of her ex's because we would have had hazel eyes and blonde hair down our backs. She STILL brings this up. I'm 24. But that's not guaranteed. Again, I understand. My mom was the dark skinned one with "bad hair", my uncle light skinned with "good hair". Everyone used to ask my grandmother if she was sure my mom wasn't the boy and my unlce the girl. To her being light skinned would have changed everything for her so I understand why people may feel that way.

And yes, I do think it's a form of self hatred.
 
locabouthair said:
In the past I preferred darker skinned men. And no I wasnt one of those who thought any darker skinned man was handsome (not attracted to Tyrese or Lance, eva's ex). As I got older, it wasn't that important to me anymore. My SO right now is light skinned. As long as the guy is decent looking with good qualities, it doesn't matter.

I never chose not to date a guy based on his hair type.
Click to expand...

Exactly,IA.

I don't find EVERY chocolate skin man handsome.. but I say they're my preference because I think they're :lick: but it seems a lot of people here love selective reading. So let me put this in bold. I like caramel and vanilla men toooooo. I don't look at a man and think he's chocolate I want him because he's that colour. I have a certain height requirement, and don't like men who are vertically challenged. Also I like a certain built, I mean If he's short and buck-toothed I wouldn't want him JUST because he's chocolate. I don't understand some of the comments I've been reading. I think I might have to type in bold again. There is NOTHING wrong with having a preference, it's only wrong when you go out of your way to marry/date somebody because you want your kids to have a certain texture or skin tone. I don't care if my kid came out blue, red.. or yellow. That's never on my mind.
Let me make my taste clear to you.

Here's an example of fineeeeeee chocolate brothers, I'd consider.

I love the Wayan brothers. :grin:
wayansbrotherall4.jpg


Denzel Washington will always be the man.

denzel.jpg


Here's my caramel man. Gotta love Shemar Moore.

2007_10_06_shemar.jpg


And Here's my Vanilla man. :lick:

wentworthmiller_280_369361a.jpg



I don't see colour, I just see hot men :grin:

But I stated my preference is with chocolate skin men because the majority of men I've been attracted to are usually that colour, and people form preference through personal experiences. However, if I see a nice looking caramel or vanilla man. I want some of that too :lick:

I don't think there's self hatred involved if people are attracted to something different. That's normal... BUT if somebody thinks 'I will go hunting for only that type because I want my kids to look like this, then that's when I think something is not right :nuts:

Please understand my point, and read it all. Thanks.
 
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That is weird to me. But I do think people are entitled to their preferences and shouldn't have other people's issues pushed on them because of it. My preferernce it tall slim and a few shades lighter than me. This has nothing to do with future children's complextions (because I don't want any) I just like what I like.
 
I know some otherwise intelligent girls who think like this.
One girl passed up a guy who she genuinely like because he was darkskinned. Instead she went for the lightskinned guy who took her to Bojangles, did her, and dumped her. smh
Another time me and some girls were talking about having children. All of these girls said they wanted light-skinned husbands so their daughter can be light with good hair. My heart hurt so much, they're gonna teach their children this self hatred. smh
 
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