Dating For Marriage: Advice, Tips, Suggestions

[Zaynab]

I could have been married a year or so earlier but I took it as a red flag of how quickly he proposed. I would never tell someone to put their heart over their head but for women like me who are always looking for the catch, we have to be willing to open ourselves up to the possibility that every man isn't a user.

I shared this in another thread but DH sent this to me one day and said this is our story and I can't say he's wrong.

The Taurus woman and the Leo man or when the immovable force meets the unstoppable object.

That's so me. Dh was professing his love after our first date and I was like um are you crazy? I did have to stop myself from questioning everything initially. What I did do instead is I watched his actions. I had reservations but I just kept them to myself. When I saw the plans he was making, e.g. selling his house, meeting my parents, trying to win my boys over, I was like OK maybe he ain't Cray Cray

It's hard to remember that you're worth what you want and to be open to receiving it when it's presented to you.

 

[Kimbosheart]

@Crackers Phinn that cartoon is reasons 1-152 of why I'm not married.

 

[Kimbosheart]

That's so me. Dh was professing his love after our first date and I was like um are you crazy? I did have to stop myself from questioning everything initially. What I did do instead is I watched his actions. I had reservations but I just kept them to myself. When I saw the plans he was making, e.g. selling his house, meeting my parents, trying to win my boys over, I was like OK maybe he ain't Cray Cray

It's hard to remember that you're worth what you want and to be open to receiving it when it's presented to you.

Just because... thank you, it can be at times, especially when life knocks you down. This is probably the kindest sentence I've ever read in this forum.

 

[Xavier]

I know you didn't ask me but I think in your case, long distance or not, less than a week is too soon for anyone to know if they want to claim or be claimed. Bottomline is you don't know him and he doesn't know you. What's the rush? I agree with Zaynab that no one wants to date forever, but you guys haven't really dated at all. How could you? In less than a week?

It's fine being take charge and leading in the relationship but he has no business taking charge of you and rushing you, making demands, and subtly threatening that he is the prize, and someone might scoop him up. Really?

Of course you want to get to know him and for things to move slower. You are not a princess in a Disney moving waiting to be saved by a knight in shining armor. You are a real, live, human being, a woman with a full and valuable life. You deserve to be courted properly and treated with respect. He has not put in the work yet. You deserve to feel safe, not overwhelmed. Intensity is not the same as intimacy. Intimacy takes time to build. No getting around that.

A lot of men who move this fast are trying to sweep you off your feet and charm you. But to get to know someone you need for your feet to be on the ground so that you can think clearly, feel safe, and make good choices.

All of this!!!! You summed it up perfectly.

 

[Xavier]

I don't like the part that he wanted you to drop all the other guys and someone will get him first. Lol I mean I'm all for confidence but having been married to a narc that sounds a bit narc-ish....

OP-If he's serious just watch and pay attention to his actions. Don't ignore any red flags etc.

Thank you. I'm definitely going to continue to date other men and have him continue to prove to me through his actions that he is serious. Time will tell.

 

[SurferBabe]

This was not directed to me but I was planning a move to another state when I met DH.

I was feeling out job prospects, neighborhoods and set one of my dating profiles for men in that another state only. I personally would not consider a place that I would not want to move to regardless of the man..... and would respond to any online inquires with a "just looking to make some friends before I relocate" which took the pressure off from them thinking that I was looking for a plane ticket or a free place to stay.

For safety, please get your own hotel room and rental car! Make sure someone has your travel plans and his photo/contact info.

This probably sounds like some CSI drama, but my college roommate and I would leave a voice message on our apartment phone stating who we were going out with and details about him - so in case we went missing the police had a record in our own words as to where to start looking!

This is timely advice for me! A couple of questions...

Did you end up relocating for your now DH, or did you make the move before you and him became serious? How were you able to weed out the guys who were just looking for penpals?

I'm interested in dating outside of my current location and I could use any tips on how to make this work. I'm able to relocate for love. It just ain't happening here.

 

[MissNadia]

@Zaynab and @Crackers Phinn while your DH's were in hot pursuit were they concerned about you dating other men? Or were they so focused on planning the future and showing you via actions that it was not a concern? Did they ever say statements alluding to them being a prize or threats, i.e you should be with me before someone else will. If you don't follow my plan some other woman will?

 

[Supervixen]

I could have been married a year or so earlier but I took it as a red flag of how quickly he proposed. I would never tell someone to put their heart over their head but for women like me who are always looking for the catch, we have to be willing to open ourselves up to the possibility that every man isn't a user.

I shared this in another thread but DH sent this to me one day and said this is our story and I can't say he's wrong.

The Taurus woman and the Leo man or when the immovable force meets the unstoppable object.

You too? Lol.

And this cartoon was hilarious

 

[Zaynab]

@Zaynab and @Crackers Phinn while your DH's were in hot pursuit were they concerned about you dating other men? Or were they so focused on planning the future and showing you via actions that it was not a concern? Did they ever say statements alluding to them being a prize or threats, i.e you should be with me before someone else will. If you don't follow my plan some other woman will?

When I met dh I was dating folks and he knew it because I was always too busy for him, when he finally planned a date and I let him pursue me, really After a few dates he really laid out his feelings, he wanted to date me for marriage only and we talked about expectations and what we wanted from dating, not just a relationship. There was never any discussion of get rid of guys, I just dropped them. He was the one who was like I'm so lucky to have you, you make me so happy, etc. He moved with making plans as soon as he proposed a few months later, I never really had to ask any questions, his actions and transparency said it all.

 

[Zaynab]

This is timely advice for me! A couple of questions...

Did you end up relocating for your now DH, or did you make the move before you and him became serious? How were you able to weed out the guys who were just looking for penpals?

I'm interested in dating outside of my current location and I could use any tips on how to make this work. I'm able to relocate for love. It just ain't happening here.

I know this isn't directed at me but I did move for my Dh-he couldn't move because of his job and I could easier find a job. However, he sold his house and built us a new one, when it was done and closed, I packed up and moved and we got married one week (6 days) later. The plan was laid out months before that obviously so I was very clear regarding the timing etc.

For me personally, I wouldn't move unless I was engaged with a clear date and it wouldn't be for long. I do get wanting to move for love but I wouldn't move for a dating situation. You can visit, check out the city (schools if u have kids) which is what I did but I wouldn't live with a man or move solo to the city they are living in to pursue a relationship unless there's a marriage on the table. Now I would move in general to a new city if there were no men to choose from in my area.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

@Crackers Phinn that cartoon is reasons 1-152 of why I'm not married.

If DH had been a more passive kind of dude, I mighta still been unmarried. I belong to a knitting circle full of married women and one thing that I learned is how many women questioned whether they were hitching themselves to the right man even after they got married. Hell, especially AFTER they got married. I was under the impression that you were supposed to just know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is the one. That happens for a lot of women but there's a silent segment that don't. IONO if it was subconscious or not but I didn't change my name until after we hit two years and that was because he brought it up.

@Zaynab and @Crackers Phinn while your DH's were in hot pursuit were they concerned about you dating other men? Or were they so focused on planning the future and showing you via actions that it was not a concern? Did they ever say statements alluding to them being a prize or threats, i.e you should be with me before someone else will. If you don't follow my plan some other woman will?

I have never been the kind of woman to juggle multiple dudes at once because I know my limitations and I would definitely call somebody by the wrong name.

Even though we knew each other casually before dating, we were set up by a matchmaker. There's rules and regulations to that and after telling her that we were exclusive it's a wrap until the matchmaker is notified otherwise and it's confirmed with the other person. If either of us reported back that the other was dating other people while we were supposed to be exclusive that would get the "cheater" blackballed and no other matchmaker would work with them. So that's my longwinded way of saying he wasn't worried about other men.

DH sold himself as a good catch but there was no underlying threat of I better get him before some other chick snatched him away. 1. Because of the matchmaker situation and 2. He's got too many feminist relatives for alladat.

 

[Zaynab]

If DH had been a more passive kind of dude, I mighta still been unmarried. I belong to a knitting circle full of married women and one thing that I learned is how many women questioned whether they were hitching themselves to the right man even after they got married. Hell, especially AFTER they got married. I was under the impression that you were supposed to just know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is the one. That happens for a lot of women but there's a silent segment that don't. IONO if it was subconscious or not but I didn't change my name until after we hit two years and that was because he brought it up.


I have never been the kind of woman to juggle multiple dudes at once because I know my limitations and I would definitely call somebody by the wrong name.

Even though we knew each other casually before dating, we were set up by a matchmaker. There's rules and regulations to that and after telling her that we were exclusive it's a wrap until the matchmaker is notified otherwise and it's confirmed with the other person. If either of us reported back that the other was dating other people while we were supposed to be exclusive that would get the "cheater" blackballed and no other matchmaker would work with them. So that's my longwinded way of saying he wasn't worried about other men.

DH sold himself as a good catch but there was no underlying threat of I better get him before some other chick snatched him away. 1. Because of the matchmaker situation and 2. He's got too many feminist relatives for alladat.

Random, I would love to be a matchmaker. Seems so cool. But I still think closing is harder for most women.

 

[sarumoki]

I could have been married a year or so earlier but I took it as a red flag of how quickly he proposed. I would never tell someone to put their heart over their head but for women like me who are always looking for the catch, we have to be willing to open ourselves up to the possibility that every man isn't a user.

I shared this in another thread but DH sent this to me one day and said this is our story and I can't say he's wrong.

The Taurus woman and the Leo man or when the immovable force meets the unstoppable object.

This is me and my bf! I'm a Taurus and he's a Leo.

 

[ArrrBeee]

@Crackers Phinn

I know this isn't directed at me but I did move for my Dh-he couldn't move because of his job and I could easier find a job. However, he sold his house and built us a new one, when it was done and closed, I packed up and moved and we got married one week (6 days) later. The plan was laid out months before that obviously so I was very clear regarding the timing etc.

For me personally, I wouldn't move unless I was engaged with a clear date and it wouldn't be for long.

Love this! His actions matched his words, he didn't drag his feet and he made sure the housing situation was right for you and your boys before you came.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

.....................................

 

[Crackers Phinn]

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[caribeandiva]

Dating long distance is challenging but it can work if everyone is transparent and there's an end goal. Who wants to date LD forever.

What about if you've been long distance for almost 7 years and the man hasn't proposed yet or anything?

 

[Fine 4s]

I'm jumping in late and don't have much to ad other than, what if you don't know anymore?
Unsure if my age is making me just be 'meh' about what I want and what I'm getting...I don't know if I care anymore.
Just a little vent I guess...

 

[Fine 4s]

@Zaynab

That avatar doesn't make me believe that you smile lololol

 

[Crackers Phinn]

What about if you've been long distance for almost 7 years and the man hasn't proposed yet or anything?

He's never going to propose and he is dealing with more than one woman.

Outside of college you shouldn't be in any distance relationship longer than 1-2 years depending on age without a commitment.

 

[Fine 4s]

@summertimewine .....and remember the dates with yourself are as solidified as the ones with men.

I like this saying. Is it from their perspective or you're saying the self date should be as solid as the one with men? I always wondered if a guy would just brush it off as a loser-ish activity and not feel a little threatened or jealous of you meeting another man.....
Good to note.

 

[Fine 4s]

All of this. Women are conditioned to think they're crazy or abnormal for being able to enjoy their own company. You're not.

Do you like broadway? The opera? Midday matinees? Then go.

I'm married and people still side eye me for going out alone "as a married woman" as if that effectively cut of my entire being. Go to where interests you, take a long weekend away.

Unless you're engaged or married, he doesn't need to know the specifics, just that you aren't available.

What about extroverts like me who like to be around people and ain't got nobody to hand with lol He's always my go to and I his but I need more friends!
If I don't have someone to roll with, I'd rather just be at home, online, watching TV...ugh.
Funny, I was going to start a thread about making female friends. @IslandMummy

 

[movingforward13]

The Taurus woman and the Leo man or when the immovable force meets the unstoppable object.

Too cute

 

[caribeandiva]

@summertimewine .....and remember the dates with yourself are as solidified as the ones with men.

I like this saying. Is it from their perspective or you're saying the self date should be as solid as the one with men? I always wondered if a guy would just brush it off as a loser-ish activity and not feel a little threatened or jealous of you meeting another man.....
Good to note.

I'm confused. You shouldn't tell him WHO you're on that date with or even IF you're dating others.

 

[Fine 4s]

I'm confused. You shouldn't tell him WHO you're on that date with or even IF you're dating others.

I'm refering to her post about doing things for yourself or by yourself, not about HOW to date.
For example say you're in a relationship (or not), you go out, and your partner/potential asks who or where you are and you answer that you're out having a drink by yourself.
My question is, does that give the impression of someone who has a life or a loser with no friends lol
Get it?

 

[movingforward13]

The two signs aren't supposed to get along and I could see how things could go left in that I don't like change and he's always looking to change some . Perhaps we are the odd pairing whose moons and stars are in the right house of lucky charms and it all magically works.

I am dating one right now (Taurus) I am a Leo.... I tend to get along with Taurus men but when we fight- it could be a problem lol.

 

[Zaynab]

What about if you've been long distance for almost 7 years and the man hasn't proposed yet or anything?

I would cease and desist immediately. I wouldn't even date a man in person much less LD for seven years.

 

[Zaynab]

He's never going to propose and he is dealing with more than one woman.

Outside of college you shouldn't be in any distance relationship longer than 1-2 years depending on age without a commitment.

And college isn't really true because I've seen men who want to get married propose with a Walmart ring and move in family housing. So I'm still at 3 years for college folks and less than that if you're out of college.

 

[caribeandiva]

I'm refering to her post about doing things for yourself or by yourself, not about HOW to date.
For example say you're in a relationship (or not), you go out, and your partner/potential asks who or where you are and you answer that you're out having a drink by yourself.
My question is, does that give the impression of someone who has a life or a loser with no friends lol
Get it?

Oh gotcha. I don't think he'll look down on you for that. It should be the opposite. I'd just be like: "Babe, I need some me time. I'm not mad at you nor did you do anything wrong. I just need to get away for a little bit. I'll be back at 11. *kisses*"

 

[Zaynab]

@summertimewine .....and remember the dates with yourself are as solidified as the ones with men.

I like this saying. Is it from their perspective or you're saying the self date should be as solid as the one with men? I always wondered if a guy would just brush it off as a loser-ish activity and not feel a little threatened or jealous of you meeting another man.....
Good to note.

I think men view it as you're independent and know who you are. There are not a lot of women who will even eat alone, they always have to go with a girlfriend or their man. Dating yourself IMO builds confidence and self esteem.