Dating For Marriage: Advice, Tips, Suggestions

[Royalq]

Thanks for all the love and advice. I actually had quite the break down and breakthrough on Sunday. I wrote in a journal for the first time ever. IDK why I suddenly had the urge to write down my feelings. Kind of made this turmoil inside me something visible and tangible. And it was like opening pandoras box of things I suppressed and things I never sat down and thought about. I wrote about 10 pages non-stop and I plan to continue writing everyday. I really asked myself why I felt the way I do, responded to myself, then rationalized. It was eye opening.

 

[Maracujá]

I apologize for dipping out. Things got really crazy personally and professionally. Enjoying being single has a lot to do with focusing on putting yourself first, not being overly pressed with societal expectations & not wasting any more time being down about being single. It's also about dating people that are marriage minded without putting all of your eggs on one basket. Date different men, focus on having new experiences & keep yourself emotionally open to the possibility of meeting your intended. It works!

No problem, I understand. As for the bolded, I'm slowly getting to this place, which is funny: sometimes there can be change going on on the inside of you, but because people have already categorized you in a particular basket, they don't bother to notice it. So friends and family members still see me as this woman who is closed off and not open to take any (calculated) risks, but things are definitely changing 'round these parts Thank you for your input take care.

 

[sarumoki]

Thanks for all the love and advice. I actually had quite the break down and breakthrough on Sunday. I wrote in a journal for the first time ever. IDK why I suddenly had the urge to write down my feelings. Kind of made this turmoil inside me something visible and tangible. And it was like opening pandoras box of things I suppressed and things I never sat down and thought about. I wrote about 10 pages non-stop and I plan to continue writing everyday. I really asked myself why I felt the way I do, responded to myself, then rationalized. It was eye opening.

Journaling is wonderful! Especially when you get into all the pretty journals and fancy pens out there.

 

[SpiritJunkie]

Thanks for all the love and advice. I actually had quite the break down and breakthrough on Sunday. I wrote in a journal for the first time ever. IDK why I suddenly had the urge to write down my feelings. Kind of made this turmoil inside me something visible and tangible. And it was like opening pandoras box of things I suppressed and things I never sat down and thought about. I wrote about 10 pages non-stop and I plan to continue writing everyday. I really asked myself why I felt the way I do, responded to myself, then rationalized. It was eye opening.

The breakdown is good for you to get it all out. Find yourself and start the healing process. I've been there. You will come out a champion of Self Love in no time.

 

[awhyley]

Thanks for all the love and advice. I actually had quite the break down and breakthrough on Sunday. I wrote in a journal for the first time ever. IDK why I suddenly had the urge to write down my feelings. Kind of made this turmoil inside me something visible and tangible. And it was like opening pandoras box of things I suppressed and things I never sat down and thought about. I wrote about 10 pages non-stop and I plan to continue writing everyday. I really asked myself why I felt the way I do, responded to myself, then rationalized. It was eye opening.

Red: Congrats! Everyone should keep a journal at least once. Going through your thoughts and emotions from time to time is key.
Green: Ditto, and this makes problems seem are manageable when they in your face in black and white.
Blue: Self reflection is a gift. Actually, it's one of the best gifts you can give yourself. Can't solve the problem you don't know exists. You're on the right track to getting to a better you!

No problem, I understand. As for the bolded, I'm slowly getting to this place, which is funny: sometimes there can be change going on on the inside of you, but because people have already categorized you in a particular basket, they don't bother to notice it. So friends and family members still see me as this woman who is closed off and not open to take any (calculated) risks, but things are definitely changing 'round these parts Thank you for your input take care.

I found this particularly challenging, but knowing that sometimes you won't get the validation you're looking for, and you have to validate yourself and keep on going was actually freeing.

Journaling is wonderful! Especially when you get into all the pretty journals and fancy pens out there.

This wouldn't be LHCF if pens weren't mentioned in a thread about journals.

 

[PrissiSippi]

Ma'am I hail from a culture where the mindset that a woman isn't complete until she has a husband and children is deeply rooted. Last week I ran into an Angolan acquaintance that just ruined my whole day. Every.single.time she meets me she has to enquire about my marital status and NOT in a positive way or tone: Can you not get anyone? Are you not lucky in love? Are you still living in that tiny studio apartment of yours? :roll eyes: I'm finally coming into my own and coming to terms with the fact that it may not happen for me, which I am A-OK with. But I swear some people...!

I would look puzzled but still stay in my femininity. “And why does this concern you?” Or “Your point?”

Lasy, don’t come for me if I did not send for you. I hate people like this.

 

[AnjelLuvs]

Rumblings: hey ladies, update! I have been going out much more lately... Thanks Goldstar, Lol... Definitely got to revise locations visiting and maybe go solo instead of with male co-workers... Eitherway, I havent been stressing and feeling much more free and relaxed about singledom...

I am still trying the online thing, but I feel a total revamp is needed as I am very vague on profile, omitting things cause want to be the chosen one, but I need to go into it like F trying that mode. Also not really feeling the responses getting... Giving out number and the dudes hardly reach out, seemingly wanting the lady to do the work/reaching out, Im good...

Like stated upthread falling back and letting men led if you dont contact, im not reaching out, after 2 weeks number removed from phone..

 

[PrissiSippi]

I'm doing okay on this Dating for Marriage journey. I following a lot of advice from the board. The things that are working for me that I learned are:

1. If they don't initiate I don't talk to them. (Zaynab rule) They must come to me, call me, ask me on a date, text me first, it's a problem.
2. I dress up on dates. (Christlyn rule) No more coming as you are. Hair done, nails done, heels on, dress on, smile on.
3. No coffee dates (Shera Rule). No cheap dates. I didn't do this at first and noticed men will take you on a whole bunch cheap dates and "pick your brain" to feel like they know sooooo much about you and then they expect sex because they "know you so well."
4. No going to men's houses (Wife School rule).
5. Not posting and pictures or statuses about boyfriends until you are engaged and making dating time intentional. Strive for 1-2 dates a week. (Wife School Rule).
6. Asking strategic questions and not giving any information but asking questions to get background information from men (Zaynab)
7. Having a list of strong relationship boundaries that are non negotiable. (Hopeful rule)

I'm thankful for all of it yall. Thank you.

 

[AnjelLuvs]

I'm doing okay on this Dating for Marriage journey. I following a lot of advice from the board. The things that are working for me that I learned are:

1. If they don't initiate I don't talk to them. (Zaynab rule) They must come to me, call me, ask me on a date, text me first, it's a problem.
2. I dress up on dates. (Christlyn rule) No more coming as you are. Hair done, nails done, heels on, dress on, smile on.
3. No coffee dates (Shera Rule). No cheap dates. I didn't do this at first and noticed men will take you on a whole bunch cheap dates and "pick your brain" to feel like they know sooooo much about you and then they expect sex because they "know you so well."
4. No going to men's houses (Wife School rule).
5. Not posting and pictures or statuses about boyfriends until you are engaged and making dating time intentional. Strive for 1-2 dates a week. (Wife School Rule).
6. Asking strategic questions and not giving any information but asking questions to get background information from men (Zaynab)
7. Having a list of strong relationship boundaries that are non negotiable. (Hopeful rule)

I'm thankful for all of it yall. Thank you.

Ohhh chica thanks for this list. Makes me think about my tangibles.

 

[Maracujá]

Is it possible to tell whether a guy is single or taken, by the type of car he drives?

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

........

 

[PrissiSippi]

Most men won't ask and you definitely shouldn't offer up the information. If they ask if you're dating other guys you say YES. Do not offer an explanation, don't feel the need to explain, don't say anything else, in fact ask a question right after you answer. You're not here to make men you are dating feel comfortable. Why? They aren't committed to you. If they want to feel comfortable, they'll commit. Men will compete for what they want but the culture of dating has changed and here men are making women compete for them; openly dating other women, side chicks, and everyone accepts it. I definitely suggest women need to take their control back in this dating game, don't accept anything less at all, ever.

Dating multiples, It's really what men do until they 'decide' on a person so it's just something women haven't mastered. You literally just date in rotation 3-4 men at a time until you either decide to move them up in ranks or dismiss one and add another. I find that this the biggest hurdle for women dating. They focus on one dude and decide he's the one when the guy is just making you an option.

I like that @PeaceLover said lie or be really coy when you get this question. She told me to say something like ohhhhh I could never date multiple people if I were getting all my needs met. And if they ask what my needs are list them and leave it like that.

When I used to say I’m daying multiple people men would just assume I’m having sex with everyone I was dating.

They would use this info against me when they wanted to get out of doing something for me.

They’d be like, “Call one of your other guys.”

 

[caribeandiva]

Is it possible to tell whether a guy is single or taken, by the type of car he drives?

If he drives a minivan then that’s a dead giveaway

 

[awhyley]

Is it possible to tell whether a guy is single or taken, by the type of car he drives?

If he drives a minivan then that’s a dead giveaway

Yeah, esp. if it has one of these

 

[prettyinpurple]

If he drives a minivan then that’s a dead giveaway

Haha if it's a beater, he may use it to haul stuff. Check out the inside to be sure, if he's worth your time.

He should have another regular car in this scenario.

Eta: I guess he could be divorced with kids but probably not. More likely that's he's married.

 

[preciouzone]

Wow! This is a great thread with lots of golden nuggets! Thank you to all the contributors for your insight and advice!

 

[Karmi]

Hey ladies... so I skimmed through this thread when it first started August 2017. I picked up some nuggets and implemented them into my dating strategy. To be honest I was not dating with marriage in mind because I just got divorced and was enjoying being single again. I kept a nice rotation of guys to hang out with when I felt like it.

Well, a year later and I'm engaged to the man of my dreams.

The best advice I can give is set your intentions and standards of the type of man you want to marry.
I wrote a list of all the qualities I wanted:
Successful
Responsible
Extrovert (because I'm an introvert)
Divorced (yup I wanted that)
Father ( because I'm not having anymore kids)
Close to his family (especially his father)
Friends who are married or in serious relationships
Someone I would be willing to give up my happy single life for
Light skinned, bald head

My fiancé is everything I wanted and more.​

 

[hopeful]

Congrats @Karmi. So happy for you.

 

[PrissiSippi]

Hey ladies... so I skimmed through this thread when it first started August 2017. I picked up some nuggets and implemented them into my dating strategy. To be honest I was not dating with marriage in mind because I just got divorced and was enjoying being single again. I kept a nice rotation of guys to hang out with when I felt like it.

Well, a year later and I'm engaged to the man of my dreams.

The best advice I can give is set your intentions and standards of the type of man you want to marry.
I wrote a list of all the qualities I wanted:
Successful
Responsible
Extrovert (because I'm an introvert)
Divorced (yup I wanted that)
Father ( because I'm not having anymore kids)
Close to his family (especially his father)
Friends who are married or in serious relationships
Someone I would be willing to give up my happy single life for
Light skinned, bald head

My fiancé is everything I wanted and more.​

What are some things you felt helped you meet and keep the man of your dreams?

 

[Karmi]

Congrats @Karmi. So happy for you.

Thank you!

 

[Karmi]

What are some things you felt helped you meet and keep the man of your dreams?

Honestly, I was totally indifferent about being in another relationship. I decide on what I wanted in a husband and if I couldn't find all the qualities that were important to me, I was 100% ok with being alone and just casually dating for the rest of my life.
I met a bunch of guys I could have settled for who wanted to pursue a relationship with me but I wasn't willing to settle. I guess putting more energy towards just being happy with myself and my life in the current state helped me not be desperate and settle. That allowed the right person to find me.

 

[Maracujá]

Honestly, I was totally indifferent about being in another relationship. I decide on what I wanted in a husband and if I couldn't find all the qualities that were important to me, I was 100% ok with being alone and just casually dating for the rest of my life.
I met a bunch of guys I could have settled for who wanted to pursue a relationship with me but I wasn't willing to settle. I guess putting more energy towards just being happy with myself and my life in the current state helped me not be desperate and settle. That allowed the right person to find me.

That sounds like the correct recipe I've been hearing from a lot of seasoned people. Thank you!

 

[awhyley]

Divorced (yup I wanted that)

I'm curious, why divorced?

 

[Karmi]

I'm curious, why divorced?

I wanted someone that I could related to in that aspect. I was in no rush to marry again but also didn't want to waste my time in a relationship that had no dirction.

My fiancé has been divorced for 5 years and also didn't desire to get married again or have any more children. He only started considering getting into a relationship 2 years ago and was open to being married again if he met someone that in his words "was everything he wanted". We both agree, divorce will not be an option for us.

We found each other because we were on the same vibrational plan.
That's why I stress, make your intentions, commit to them and wait for them to come just as you asked. I promise it works

 

[greight]

I wanted someone that I could related to in that aspect. I was in no rush to marry again but also didn't want to waste my time in a relationship that had no dirction.

My fiancé has been divorced for 5 years and also didn't desire to get married again or have any more children. He only started considering getting into a relationship 2 years ago and was open to being married again if he met someone that in his words "was everything he wanted". We both agree, divorce will not be an option for us.

We found each other because we were on the same vibrational plan.
That's why I stress, make your intentions, commit to them and wait for them to come just as you asked. I promise it works

I'm going to convince my mom to do the same

 

[caribeandiva]

We found each other because we were on the same vibrational plan.
That's why I stress, make your intentions, commit to them and wait for them to come just as you asked. I promise it works

Congratulations on your engagement!! Another proof that this stuff works.

 

[bellatiamarie]

Bump!