Dating For Marriage: Advice, Tips, Suggestions

[Crackers Phinn]

Advice for dating single dads?

It is fine to understand that he will have to make his children a priority but if you start to feel like you are being short changed in the relationship then walk away.

Every man sells himself as father of the year but odds are you won't know the real deal about his relationship with his ex and children until you're emotionally invested and that can cloud your judgement as to whether the situation is the right fit for you.

 

[IslandMummy]

I don't have a during but I've got a couple of good seduction initiator tactics. This is the only one I can show here.

Spoiler: Milk Looks Even More Amazing Against Dark Skin NSFW

None of this comes naturally to me so I watch and read erotica for ideas. I'm more librarian than siren so it has always thrown dudes off when I go off script.

This went well, very very well.

 

[shortycocoa]

This went well, very very well.

Alright now!

 

[CurliDiva]

I was proud of my single girl life and accomplishments (career, house, travel, etc....), so a BIG shift for me, was shifting my focus from being a "great" girlfriend to thinking about what makes a "great" wife.

I started to visualize (focus, day dream, research, journal - whatever you want to call it) on what my husband and my marriage life would be like. Since many around me was either divorced or long-term single, I stopped listening to the unhealthy relationship chatter around me and held fast to my ideals.

I was not willing to settle for less as a wife, so I got strategic about dating. I stopped trying to "prove" myself to the guys I was dating, and realized that they had to prove themselves worthy of me.

If a man is not marriage-minded, which is not a taboo conversation to have early - MOVE ON!

 

[shortycocoa]

[QUOTE="CurliDiva, post: 24153779,

I was not willing to settle for less as a wife, so I got strategic about dating. I stopped trying to "prove" myself to the guys I was dating, and realized that they had to prove themselves worthy of me.

If a man is not marriage-minded, which is not a taboo conversation to have early - MOVE ON![/QUOTE]

Exactly! Women waste too much time when we continue to dwell in places we should have been long gone from.

Every other week I see FB posts of women asking the question, "How long is too long to wait for a marriage proposal?" or some variation of it.

Then of course the men who disagree with the institution of marriage or are not ready for that for valid reasons come on the post and get stupid, while the ones who actually are married or honestly want to settle down are very straightforward.

After I asked lots of men how they knew they were ready for marriage, or how did they know they wanted to or were going to marry the woman they chose, the answer really was clear-cut and simple.

One guy I used to work with in news told me "he just knew." He said when the right woman comes along they know it.

My mom has always told me this as well, and she said it also doesn't take them 500 years to figure that out.

I still remember how my parents met and I'm grateful that my mom at least felt it was important to share those types of personal experiences with me.

 

[IslandMummy]

Alright now!

I did my modified version champagne bottle and the white robe.

Keeping that in my back pocket going forward.

 

[Zaynab]

I did my modified version champagne bottle and the white robe.

Keeping that in my back pocket going forward.

Oh I'm gonna have to try this

 

[Supervixen]

I did my modified version champagne bottle and the white robe.

Keeping that in my back pocket going forward.

Ohhhhhhhhh. I like it.

 

[VirtuousGal]

Don't call a man that sends you his number saying call me.

Why do men do this...is this a power move?

 

[Zaynab]

Why do men do this...is this a power move?

Some men are used to doing the bare minimum. This starts the way some women compete for men by thinking they need to jump at his beck and call.

 

[Zaynab]

I was proud of my single girl life and accomplishments (career, house, travel, etc....), so a BIG shift for me, was shifting my focus from being a "great" girlfriend to thinking about what makes a "great" wife.

I started to visualize (focus, day dream, research, journal - whatever you want to call it) on what my husband and my marriage life would be like. Since many around me was either divorced or long-term single, I stopped listening to the unhealthy relationship chatter around me and held fast to my ideals.

I was not willing to settle for less as a wife, so I got strategic about dating. I stopped trying to "prove" myself to the guys I was dating, and realized that they had to prove themselves worthy of me.

If a man is not marriage-minded, which is not a taboo conversation to have early - MOVE ON!

I love this whole post.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

Speaking of unhealthy relationship chatter, I must add that social media is also bad in this - we've even had threads about the horrible relationship memes that get circulated. There's a few women (from young to old) who constantly post low expectation, pick me memes on my timeline. I had to start un-following these people cause I don't want that garbage slithering into my mentality.

 

[caribeandiva]

Speaking of unhealthy relationship chatter, I must add that social media is also bad in this - we've even had threads about the horrible relationship memes that get circulated. There's a few women (from young to old) who constantly post low expectation, pick me memes on my timeline. I had to start un-following these people cause I don't want that garbage slithering into my mentality.

Amen sister!

 

[shortycocoa]

Speaking of unhealthy relationship chatter, I must add that social media is also bad in this - we've even had threads about the horrible relationship memes that get circulated. There's a few women (from young to old) who constantly post low expectation, pick me memes on my timeline. I had to start un-following these people cause I don't want that garbage slithering into my mentality.[/QUmemes

Which threads? Can you post links?

I know what you mean. I see a few of those memes circulating over and over again. Sometimes I want to ask, "ya'll ain't tired of discussing this?"

The only people who benefit from that dialogue are men who feel like they don't need to come correct or do better, and as long as women continue co-signing this foolishness they won't.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

I couldn't even begin to remember the thread title(s). It's been too long.

 

[CurliDiva]

Ok this one tip may be controversial but only befriend married women versus a "married man". Some married men will seek out a single girl-pal relationship but is only setting her up. This may start off innocent (someone from work, your past, church, etc....) in her mind but the whole "my wife doesn't understand me like you" is a slippery slope to go down and never benefits the single girl. Don't send your time and energy playing a "marriage counselor" or "pretend wifey" for a married man.

 

[shortycocoa]

Ok this one tip may be controversial but only befriend "married" women versus a married man. Some married men will seek out a single girl-pal relationship but is only setting her up. This may start off innocent (someone from work, your past, church, etc....) in her mind but the whole "my wife doesn't understand me like you" is a slippery slope to go down and never benefits the single girl. Don't send your time and energy playing a "marriage counselor" or "pretend wifey" for a married man.

I feel you on this, but I think it's dangerous for any single person, male or female, to be friends with one half of a married couple.

I think married people should have other married couple friends. It's easier said than done sometimes, though.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

Ok this one tip may be controversial but only befriend "married" women versus a married man. Some married men will seek out a single girl-pal relationship but is only setting her up. This may start off innocent (someone from work, your past, church, etc....) in her mind but the whole "my wife doesn't understand me like you" is a slippery slope to go down and never benefits the single girl. Don't send your time and energy playing a "marriage counselor" or "pretend wifey" for a married man.

This one is interesting cause a friend and I were just talking about a coworker who tends to befriend married guys. I kinda understood it, he feels "safe" to be around cause he's taken, but men don't think like that, lol. Women don't need anyone confusing and mixing up their feelings.

 

[LovinLea]

Okay, y'all. What do you think of a man who says he's marriage minded and asks if you are too BUT he broke up with his ex because she was nagging too much for a ring?

 

[Mai Tai]

Why do men do this...is this a power move?

Because they've gotten positive results from women.

In my many chats with my best friend, when she asks me questions like WHY men think it's ok to come at her sideways I always say "Because that foolishness has gotten him results."

 

[Mai Tai]

Okay, y'all. What do you think of a man who says he's marriage minded and asks if you are too BUT he broke up with his ex because she was nagging too much for a ring?

I have yet to meet a man who uses words like "marriage minded" out loud and actually BE marriage minded. A lot of men will throw phrases and terms like this around because it sounds good and they are aware of the results that are yielded by appearing to be in search of a wife. Obviously, his actions say otherwise. If his ex was nagging him for a ring then he did not make his intention to not marry her clear. He probably lead her on, she fell for it, and when she started to press he got out of dodge. Not the type of dude you should waste your time on.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

Okay, y'all. What do you think of a man who says he's marriage minded and asks if you are too BUT he broke up with his ex because she was nagging too much for a ring?

So he told you straight out that his words have not aligned with his actions in past relationships. Hm, it's so simple yet genius....

 

[caribeandiva]

Because they've gotten positive results from women.

In my many chats with my best friend, when she asks me questions like WHY men think it's ok to come at her sideways I always say "Because that foolishness has gotten him results."

 

[caribeandiva]

Okay, y'all. What do you think of a man who says he's marriage minded and asks if you are too BUT he broke up with his ex because she was nagging too much for a ring?

Don't listen to his words. Look at his actions.

 

[LostInAdream]

Don't listen to his words. Look at his actions.

In this instance I would listen to the words because he said he left the ex because she was pressing for a ring. I would leave him alone as it seems he likes to dangle carrots in women faces. Unless he felt she wasn't the one and left her alone to find his wife.

 

[CoilyFields]

How to act like you have a rotation until you get a rotation?

As mentioned upthread, I'm another person living in a college-to-marriage area where single people are scarce. But I don't want prospects to recognize this disadvantage.

Always treat him like he's #2 or 3

It takes discipline though. When I was ending my post divorce dating phase, I stopped replacing guys as they dropped out of my rotation. So I had to still treat my #3 like he was number 3, even though he was the only one left.

1. Emphasize in your actions that dating does not include exclusivity.
Occasionally throw in vague references that show you are dating others and that you assume he is too. Put your phone to good use. I was on a date and my friends were in a group chat blowing up my line. I kept my phone on the table (screen angled away from him), but he could hear it vibrating often. Each time I only glanced at the screen and silenced it. After the third time, I apologetically put it in my purse. He asked if I needed to take a call to which I replied, "No no! It's rude to answer my phone when I'm on a date. Unless it's my babysitter, everyone else can wait." He then started to notice when I would not answer my phone or respond to his texts for long periods of time and he would assume I was on a date with someone else.

I've also told them that I don't "friend" the guys I'm dating on FB. Its all in the phrasing.

2. Don't always be available.
When making plans, if a night doesn't work for you don't tell the truth, "Oh Friday doesn't work for me cuz I'm feeding my grandma jello" just say "Oh, I already have plans Friday night, what about..."

3. Make sure you keep the right role...you are the prize and he has to prove to you why you should give him your full attention. Men want what other men want. If he knows he got you, or can have you at any time, then minimal effort is needed on his part. I often mentioned "boyfriend privileges" when I flirted with them, emphasizing that they were not my man and would not have all the rights and privileges of one. Example: One guy asked what I was getting him for his birthday. I told him a warm hug and a smile, cuz I only buy gifts for my man. Intimacy? I told them all that That's a boyfriend privilege because I'm particular about who I share my body with. ( I had no intention of being intimate with any of them since I'm celibate but it helped manage their expectations)

 

[caribeandiva]

In this instance I would listen to the words because he said he left the ex because she was pressing for a ring. I would leave him alone as it seems he likes to dangle carrots in women faces. Unless he felt she wasn't the one and left her alone to find his wife.

What I meant was his words and his actions weren't lining up. He SAID he's marriage minded but what he DID was leave his ex because she wanted to get married. Huge discrepancy there. You're absolutely right.

 

[LoveisYou]

I'm an introvert, but I can also be very talkative and friendly. I don't believe being an introvert means that you're cold or unfriendly, it's how your energize/regain energy. I'm not the one to be the life of the party but when I'm one-on-one with someone I like, the wit and flirtation come out easily. My boo and I had a very wittly, flirty conversation on our first date, because if there's one thing I know how to do is converse about a wide range of subjects. Plus, if I like you, I'm genuinely interested in learning about you, so I also know how to get you to talk.

The BIGGEST mistake I made in the past was wasting time on dead-end relationships . When I really began to use wisdom, I refused to give men who didn't fit, ear time or any time for that matter. I kept it moving quick and followed my gut. My SO slayed them all in the rotation.

Speaking of being open, I know how to turn it on and off, because it NYC sometimes you have to....

 

[LoveisYou]

Girl, you're speaking the truth right here! Especially the bolded! We as black women have to stop thinking we deserve less or "no man is going to want us" because of the fact that we have children, illnesses, or don't have xyz, etc. The right man will want to be with you and choose you.

So true, and so many women don't move on or remain single because they feel unwnted (negative messages). Somestimes I want to be like, girl please, one man don't stop your show!

 

[LovinLea]

I don't have a during but I've got a couple of good seduction initiator tactics. This is the only one I can show here.

Spoiler: Milk Looks Even More Amazing Against Dark Skin NSFW

None of this comes naturally to me so I watch and read erotica for ideas. I'm more librarian than siren so it has always thrown dudes off when I go off script.

Can I slide into your PM's?

We need a thread just for this. A lot of women(me) are no good at initiating.