Dating For Marriage: Advice, Tips, Suggestions

I think anyone who can go out alone is super cool but I much prefer being with people when I do anything...it's just who I am.
But here's the catch, I want a friend that will do nothing with me LMAO?! Does that exist? Like just come over and we'll sit around and not do ish.
Where my lazy people at, where ya'll at, where ya'll at?????

All that independent stuff doesn't help me though. I do things by myself although I prefer the company of others and STAY comparing myself to other women.
 
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Fine 4s said:
I'm refering to her post about doing things for yourself or by yourself, not about HOW to date.
For example say you're in a relationship (or not), you go out, and your partner/potential asks who or where you are and you answer that you're out having a drink by yourself.
My question is, does that give the impression of someone who has a life or a loser with no friends lol
Get it?
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Why wouldn't you enjoy your own company? I do stuff alone all the time. Go out to dinner, the movies, shopping, especially when the weather is nice to open air markets and outlet malls.
 
The point of that question was not about enjoying my company but more about what other people think about people who are solo hangers.
 
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Fine 4s said:
@summertimewine .....and remember the dates with yourself are as solidified as the ones with men.

I like this saying. Is it from their perspective or you're saying the self date should be as solid as the one with men? I always wondered if a guy would just brush it off as a loser-ish activity and not feel a little threatened or jealous of you meeting another man.....
Good to note.
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Your self date holds just as much if not more importance than any other date. I'm not necessarily saying you are alone, sometimes just a date with a girlfriend you are close with will help relieve stress etc. But a nice museum, sitting at the bar, gym time at the popular gym, Starbucks etc is important for self care.
I would just tell a man "I'm busy" :look:
 
Fine 4s said:
I think anyone who can go out alone is super cool but I much prefer being with people when I do anything...it's just who I am.
But here's the catch, I want a friend that will do nothing with me LMAO?! Does that exist? Like just come over and we'll sit around and not do ish.
Where my lazy people at, where ya'll at, where ya'll at?????

All that independent stuff doesn't help me though. I do things by myself although I prefer the company of others and STAY comparing myself to other women.
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I'm an extrovert so I get it. Too much solo time and I'm crying real tears :lol: I used to make my besties come over just to run errands with me or sit around at my house :look: :lol: so I totally get it. I need people!
 
Crackers Phinn said:
I wrote and deleted the following 10 times because it won't make sense to the masses: Me and the Mister are fine as long as we are not mad at each other at the same time. As long as one of us is calm resolution is usually quick and painless.

However, in the event that we are both turnt up......
This is what he turns into when he's mad.
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This is who I turn into when I'm mad.
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I understand completely. He and I rarely fight but when we do - we are stubborn. I will say though- he now tries to diffuse it. We rarely fight.
 
Zaynab said:
And college isn't really true because I've seen men who want to get married propose with a Walmart ring and move in family housing. So I'm still at 3 years for college folks and less than that if you're out of college.
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I've waffled on this advice but I agree it's true. I have several friends who are now married to their college sweethearts but that was after up to 10 years of dating. Men will drag their feet if you let them. I've been in this position but not for quite as long. If you're going to stay in it and wait him out, just know that the time you waited depending on how you felt about that time will do a number on your confidence. I don't believe the time before the ring means that you'll have a terrible marriage or a marriage that isn't as happy or long lasting. Men can be trifling whether they marry you quickly or make you wait. I won't even go so far as to say it's a waste of time necessarily. But we all know that 99.9% of the time a man that's taking too long to propose bothers the women and makes her second guess or feel bad and that's my issue. We can't be out here allowing men to make us feel bad. So give him a deadline and move on.
 
Kimbosheart said:
I've waffled on this advice but I agree it's true. I have several friends who are now married to their college sweethearts but that was after up to 10 years of dating. Men will drag their feet if you let them. I've been in this position but not for quite as long. If you're going to stay in it and wait him out, just know that the time you waited depending on how you felt about that time will do a number on your confidence. I don't believe the time before the ring means that you'll have a terrible marriage or a marriage that isn't as happy or long lasting. Men can be trifling whether they marry you quickly or make you wait. I won't even go so far as to say it's a waste of time necessarily. But we all know that 99.9% of the time a man that's taking too long to propose bothers the women and makes her second guess or feel bad and that's my issue. We can't be out here allowing men to make us feel bad. So give him a deadline and move on.
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If a man waits years and years to marry you, it's typically because they just gave in after not finding the dream girl they mentally searched for. Men consider themselves single until they know or do marry the woman they want. So they're always open to a new chick if they haven't committed to you. Cold but true. Or the woman berated him into marrying her but trust she wasn't his ideal choice. This is why men will date a woman years then marry the next woman in a matter of months. If he met Beyonce would he wait ten years to marry her?

ETA: My first husband married me in less than two years after dating his previous girl for 7. He was in his late 20's. My current husband dated a woman before me for 5 years and married me in 15 months and he's well over 40. 19 years ago I asked ex-dh and asked current dh the same question "Why didn't you marry so and so?" Man: "Oh I didn't want to." Y'all don't fall for the years and years of dating at any age.
 
I married my college sweetheart. We *dated" off and on for two years and broke up. I put dated in quotes because it wasn't a real relationship and it was clear as day that he wasn't serious about me. I was young with low self esteem, so I let him drive the relationship. Over the years we remained friends...at least most of the time. Years later we started dating again and he let me know pretty early on what his intentions were. We shopped for rings, he made some renovations to his home and asked for my input on furniture with the intent that I would be living there with him. It was a little less than a year between us dating again and him proposing to me. So, absolutely men know when they have met the one and they lock it down quickly.

While we had known each other for years and some parts of our history were unpleasant he showed me through his actions that he had matured and was serious about me. He courted me, formed a relationship with my parents and we talked openly about our plans for the future. On my end, I carried myself differently and he knew that he would have to come correct this time. All that said, I had a deadline in my mind. I don't believe in giving men ultimatums. Men know what they want and if he really wants you he will make it known. I kept my deadline in my head and was prepared to walk away if he didn't propose within a certain time frame.
 
SurferBabe said:
For those of you who have perpetually single friends who seem like good catches, what behaviors do you feel are keeping them from finding a companion? Have you witnessed any of them make a few changes and quickly end up in a LTR?
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I'm including myself in this list:

A. Focus on marriage is simply not there. She's more focused on what she needs to do career wise and her educational goals. She's also over 40.
B. She's been married several times- She's like whatever as well and doesn't trust men. She doesn't go out ....like at all. She works all day does overnight shifts etc. She wants a baby more than a husband.
C. She also doesn't care about marriage or being engaged. But she hasn't had a bf IMO because she's very guarded and attracts men who seem to run game quite a bit. She's hot thought so that always confused me. I haven't seen her in a very long time so I'm assuming she still looks the same.
D She's single but in a relationship for some years and dying to be married and babied up but....hasn't happened and we all believe it will but dang, this thread makes me doubt. She's over 36 and he's over 40.
E. They're supposedly engaged but not marriage yet. Not sure what's going on with that. I need to ask her, maybe they're saving up, maybe one party no longer wants marriage, I don't know.
F. In a relationship but has no idea what she wants and no idea how to figure out what she wants. She just confused.
G. She's also beautiful to me and really is working on herself, she's so positive. It'll happen for her. She's also over 36.

The ones that did get married were very intentional about it and very clear about what they wanted. I think that is key. If you're sure about what you want, it's probably not that hard to get. Just meet like minded people. Simple.

Have many more that I can talk about.....

I'm surrounded by women who are close to 40 or over 40 who have maybe given up a bit....
 
SurferBabe said:
For those of you who have perpetually single friends who seem like good catches, what behaviors do you feel are keeping them from finding a companion? Have you witnessed any of them make a few changes and quickly end up in a LTR?
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- distrustful and unforgiving in general across the board
- too much of a doormat- will do anything to keep a guy
- very low self esteem
- expects him to be her woke best friend, instead of her man (i.e. he has to be just as feminist as she is or want to talk politics all the darn time)
- thinks her dream man is going to show up at her front door (he may, she just has to keep waiting)

I'm thinking of a few women I know

Zaynab said:
Wanted to highlight this part. You can mentally give them a deadline but you don't have to verbalize a deadline to commit to a man who knows your worth, you know who you are and what you want. It starts with you and the standard they have to meet. We hold the power as to how these men respond.
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10,000% true.
 
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caribeandiva said:
they envy them. Most people know it takes a lot of confidence and courage to be a solo hanger and not care what anyone else thinks.
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ITA!

I learned to be comfortable going places solo because of work! Very early in my career I travelled often to different office locations and networking events which meant being on the road, a plane, at meeting on my own or with new folks.

I also had a flakey friend who was notoriously LATE whenever we would meet up, so I could be someplace for 30 mins or more by myself waiting on her arrival. I actually ended up meeting a semi-famous musician that way while waiting for her (he invited me to join him and his friends while I waited) and we ended up dating.

I'm also natural friendly and when in doubt will befriend the employees or wait staff. I've gotten upgrades, free drinks or free food by chatting up the service staff. This is also good practice for just talking to (and learning about) people - male and female.

You also should consider the appearance and attitude of your wing (wo)men! You don't need to be clones in looks but each person should be able to hold her own in the style and looks department. Hanging out with a grumpy, frumpy, man-hating friend is not going to help you attract male attention or worst she will be jealous and try to sabotage (c-blocking) any male attention you may receive.
 
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SurferBabe said:
This is timely advice for me! A couple of questions...

Did you end up relocating for your now DH, or did you make the move before you and him became serious? How were you able to weed out the guys who were just looking for penpals?

I'm interested in dating outside of my current location and I could use any tips on how to make this work. I'm able to relocate for love. It just ain't happening here.
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No, my DH was local but he knew that I was considering moving. I avoided penpal or worst cyber freaks by staying aware of their actions and words. If he contacts you sparely or reply with the wrong info - he's writing to several people and can't keep you straight or sends or request nude photos, or sex talk - move on he's a freak!

I would never tell a man I would relocate for him - find an location you want to move to - research jobs, housing, etc..... in case "love" doesn't work out.
 
Kimbosheart said:
- distrustful and unforgiving in general across the board
- too much of a doormat- will do anything to keep a guy
- very low self esteem
- expects him to be her woke best friend, instead of her man (i.e. he has to be just as feminist as she is or want to talk politics all the darn time)
- thinks her dream man is going to show up at her front door (he may, she just has to keep waiting)

I'm thinking of a few women I know



10,000% true.
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I don't know if it's the current SM trend but this one right here is really killing it for manyn single ladies. Really killing it.
 
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Zaynab said:
If a man waits years and years to marry you, it's typically because they just gave in after not finding the dream girl they mentally searched for. Men consider themselves single until they know or do marry the woman they want. So they're always open to a new chick if they haven't committed to you. Cold but true. Or the woman berated him into marrying her but trust she wasn't his ideal choice. This is why men will date a woman years then marry the next woman in a matter of months. If he met Beyonce would he wait ten years to marry her?

ETA: My first husband married me in less than two years after dating his previous girl for 7. He was in his late 20's. My current husband dated a woman before me for 5 years and married me in 15 months and he's well over 40. 19 years ago I asked ex-dh and asked current dh the same question "Why didn't you marry so and so?" Man: "Oh I didn't want to." Y'all don't fall for the years and years of dating at any age.
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On point.

I'm adding this because I saw it on the other board and this post reminded me of it. Straight from the horse's mouth:

Hi reddit, I feel terrible, terrible and I could really use some advice. In advance, I expect this post to receive a lot of negative comments, and I'm ok with this. If you could look past some points, I would appreciate an advice of how to approach this.

I've been in relationship with my SO for the last seven years, and we have been living together for the last three. It wasn't "love on the first sight" type of relationship. Actually, I grew to love her over the time. It started when we met on line; she was funny, smart and we started dating. Things progressed very slowly, and what I liked about her is that she's a "family and honor" type of girl. I met her when I thought I'll never find someone like that at my age then (28). I wanted a honest woman who appreciates true values in life, which was something that, after many one night stands and failed relationships, I didn't think existed anymore. Foolish, I know, but if you've been in my shoes back then, you would think the same. And then I met her :).

One of the problems I've had from the beginning is sex. I was never actually attracted to her - she wasn't my type of woman. Although everyone thought she was beautiful, I just never saw it that way. I love her for her personality and that's why I'm with her in the first place, but the physical attraction was sadly never there. Sometimes, I would look at her and think "maybe she is pretty, it's just me, I need to work on myself and change my image of her".

Then, I was her first lover - she was a virgin when we met. I was with inexperienced girls before so I took it slowly, and gave my best to teach her about the things I like, to learn what she likes, but over the time, I learned that we're just sexually incompatible to the point that I don't even want to have sex with her anymore.

I honestly prefer masturbation to sex at this point. We have sex only when I feel that we should finally do it because I don't want to take it completely from her. I know that she loves sex, but I feel sorry for her knowing that there is someone else who she could have the best time in her life with, instead with this sorry excuse for a sex with me. Before you ask, no I can't talk to her about it. Belive me that I tried to work on it with her for the first two years and talked a lot. It' just won't work, we're not compatible and I don't see how this can be changed. And she loves me to death, says I'm all she ever wanted from a man.

Then, there is the marriage thing. We always talked how we want to get married and have children, and I always thought that she's the person I want to spend my life with, regardless of the attraction problem. I know nobody's perfect, and I though I need to look past this, because the base of every relationship is trust and friendship and since she's my best friend, sex shouldn't matter.

And then, a few days ago we were at her younger brother's engagement party and her drunk father gave me a few not-so-good remarks about me not proposing her yet. He did it publicly, and it hurt her a lot. Since then she feels bad, wants me to talk to her father, but I can't. You know why? I can't because I'm not sure I want to marry her. She's my best friend, I love her, I can't stand seeing her cry and being so sad.. I know that only thing that would put her heart to ease is me proposing her finally. I can't do that because I'm not sure it's the right thing to do.

And now comes the part that will create a lot of hate. If not for this what I'm about to tell, I would probably propose her. I met someone 3 weeks ago, someone smart, pretty, and we share a lot of common interests. We have been meeting during my lunch breaks, then I started hanging out with her every opportunity I got. I think I might even be in love her, but nothing physical happened. She told me that she's not interested in me physically because I'm in relationship.

And that's fine with me because I think I already did enough damage with meeting her in the first place. But did meeting her ruin all my plans and perception of my future? Yes, yes and yes. She's not even a person I could plan my future with - she's 12 years younger than me, still in college, doesn't want to get married or have children (everything that my SO wants), but why do I want her so badly? She actually opened my eyes in terms of wanting someone physically, not only emotionally.

Now I don't know what to do. How can I propose my girlfriend knowing that: 1) I will have bad sex all my life and 2) I cheated her emotionally? If I tell her about the other girl, we're finished because she doesn't tolerate adultery of any kind. If I don't tell her and somehow try to work on our relationship, finally proposing her, I'm afraid that this could happen again. On the second hand, I'm the type of person who really could spend his life knowing that everything doesn't have to be perfect and try to live with all shortcomings in the relationship. I could maybe do it if I try, but is this fair to her?

Original post here



Y'all. This man has dated a woman for 7 years, lived with her for 3, and is not even attracted to her. Then he met someone he's attracted to and would probably marry her tomorrow except she doesn't want to get married. And so he's staying with his Gf knowing he doesn't want to marry her and the sex is trash, because he doesn't like to see her cry. And she's sticking around hoping he'll finally propose.

THIS IS MEN. They will stay knowing they aren't going to marry you and halfway don't even like you that much and you will have no idea. Don't be this girl.
 
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SurferBabe said:
For those of you who have perpetually single friends who seem like good catches, what behaviors do you feel are keeping them from finding a companion? Have you witnessed any of them make a few changes and quickly end up in a LTR?
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I have one acquaintance like this. Very pretty, outgoing, very interesting and smart. The bottom line that I've observed about her is that she gives off an air of desperation. She constantly tries to prove that she's wife material and I think it's off-putting. Like her whole vibe was "here I am, please choose me."

Her last bf seemed serious about her but you could tell he had the upper hand. She adored him but he just liked her. I haven't talked to her in awhile so I don't know if they're still together but I would be shocked if they were engaged.
 
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