Dating For Marriage: Advice, Tips, Suggestions

[Supervixen]

Here are the criteria of a healthy man per Ro's book. Apologies for it taking so long. I still think you (we) should add more:

https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B2v9hWnZsa2raWxHb2oxX2xDekU

 

[SpiritJunkie]

Great thread! I have nothing to add. I'm here to listen & learn. Thank you LHCF sistas for sharing your insights.

 

[shortycocoa]

Okay, y'all. What do you think of a man who says he's marriage minded and asks if you are too BUT he broke up with his ex because she was nagging too much for a ring?

Then either he's not really marriage-minded, OR he wants to be married, the ex may not have been the one.

But like other posters have said, he probably did a good job of putting up the smoke and mirrors to appear to be interested in marriage.

 

[CurliDiva]

Okay, y'all. What do you think of a man who says he's marriage minded and asks if you are too BUT he broke up with his ex because she was nagging too much for a ring?

SET-UP:

By laying out this claim he is trying to ensure that you will put in the work (to prove yourself wife material) yet NOT look for a ring anytime soon (because than you're just as bad as the ex)!

The use of the word "nagging" is very telling. If she was just not the "one" not harm, no foul....not reason for negativity. If a man refers to his ex as a b**ch or anything else disrespectful - this WILL be your future!

Win-Win for him

 

[CoilyFields]

@Zaynab and @mstar (and anyone else that wants to chime in) please discuss the art of knowing how to treat a man. In the other thread you ladies talked about this being something that your grandmother's stressed as being important.

Honestly, this advice seems counterintuitive for a woman that's dating. How would you ladies suggest a dating woman strike a healthy balance between carrying herself as the prize and treating the man special (for lack of a better word) without looking like a thirst trap? Please give some concrete examples for basics like me .

They want to feel like they're superman when they're with you.

They don't care about our degrees, assets, careers etc.. That doesn't mean you have to switch on the helpless ditz (though I do occasionally), but he just doesn't want to feel like he has to compete with you for you (but he should feel like he has to compete with other men.)

Let the man pursue you and reward him with fascinated attention. If you're doing this right, he should be the one who seems "thirsty". (But don't fall for the hype, maintain your calm.)

When he's with you, be fun, interested (let him talk a lot about himself), and ask questions where he can show off. Be impressed, even if you're not.

If timing isn't natural to you, try to maintain between a 1:3 - 1:5 ratio of his initiating contact (calls, texts, dates etc.) and you initiating. Don't feel like you have to take turns with him, be elusive.

Try to be the first one to get off the phone

Expect him to do manly things like open doors, pay for everything, etc., and always say thank you with a smile

 

[CoilyFields]

This thread rocks! Thanks for this.

So I'll kick this off. Some of us singletons are having a hard time finding and connecting with enough quality, available men to build a roster and keep a rotation. I come across many quality men, but most are taken. For those of us who live in very family-centric environments, finding uncoupled men can be tough, but I know they are out there. Aside from online, where in the world do these single men hang?

Also, how can a woman position herself to make it easy for these men to approach? Many of us struggle with the "stare but won't approach" syndrome in men. Are these guys even worth the effort?

Lastly, is it worth it to explore options outside of our locales? Do you know single women who have had luck with LDRs?

Hopefully these questions are on topic.

First bolded:
Sports...sports bars, sports games...and they tend to go in groups
The gym
Alumni groups
Fraternity events (though Im not a fan of this one)
Men stores/sections of stores

Personal referral is the best way to meet a guy. Make your guy friends or cousins (quality guys) go through their FB friends lists or work contacts etc. Women can help too, but make sure they were never involved or he doesn't have a crush on her.

Second Bolded:
I can't remember the thread where I gave a blow by blow of the "come hither" look. But look at him long enough and smile so that the invitation is open for him to approach.

Black men are extremely assertive when it comes to approaching women, but if he's a little shy, just get a tad bit more within proximity and make casual eye contact and smile. If he still doesn't approach you then he's not interested/taken/gay etc.. It's pretty easy to tell if a guy is into you (its just his endgame you gotta pin down). But no matter how much he may stare, don't approach him...if his instinct to pursue doesn't rise then please walk away.

 

[CoilyFields]

How do you properly vet a man to find out if he is really marriage minded? There are a lot of imposters out there.

I am very up front about what I am looking for at the first conversations.

"I'm dating right now, but my final destination is marriage, what are you looking for?"

It also kind of puts it in perspective for them when they find out I'm divorced. They know that I expect the ultimate commitment cuz I've had it already and I won't hustle backwards.

There is an art to exploring their views on marriage without seeming thirsty. I ask a lot of "getting to know you" questions and when my hypotheticals are about relationships I always use the word "wife", or "when you get married" or in my answers I say "husband" or "when I get married again". It's not blatant, I don't bring marriage up a lot, its just established enough in casual conversation that he realizes that I won't settle for less. And if we're on the same page he'll stick around, if not, he will disengage.

When we get to the point of talking about past relationships I always ask why he chose not to marry his last ex or his child's mom (if he has one).

Oh! And don't give him none! Keep your head and heart clear so you pay attention to his cues.

 

[CoilyFields]

Ok so here goes, no DM's cause there may be other ladies that are like me or with similar circumstances...

I am very washy when it comes to relationships because of childhood experiences, yadda yadda, yea I know a fully grown woman... Never really, well never been in a relationship, mostly sexing myself out in hopes of making it to girlfriend status. Nowadays since not sexing not really involved with any dudes, then the dudes that I do entertain are the wrong ones but I hold on, like WTF to self... and, as the true cancerian that I am when ish hit the fan, I draw back into shell. Lately, been going at it hard with the idea that I can do this. I refuse to believe I am a lost cause. Also really incorporating the M.O. in other thread fakingit till you make it, over years confidence has plummeted.

A couple of questions:

- How would you go about the following: Met a man, exchanged numbers on some kinda networking stuff, would you reach out to them? I mean the do have your number.
- Say someone on a social media site hits you via DM with number and asks you to call them? yea you fine and all but why you reaching out to me...

No! You already said it...he has your number. If he's interested, he will call. Remember that!

As for the DM number, that's always suspect. Investigate their page, and if you choose to respond I'd wait a long time then respond with something like "I don't share my number freely".

Overall, You have to show them you are worth their full effort. Make them work for it! They need the challenge. There's tons of women who will give it to them without even going on a date, don't compete with those women by feeling pressured to do the same. Stand out from those women. And if he's not ready for the quality woman that you are, then chuck them deuces! See my post somewhere above about "boyfriend privileges", and learn how to walk away if they aren't putting in work.

 

[Southernbella.]

Inspired by several people on my TL...

Stop posting sweaty, barefaced, post-workout close-ups on sm. They're not flattering and most of them look downright gross. You're trying to attract, not repel.

 

[CoilyFields]

Advice for dating single dads?

My rules...
- I don't date men with more than two children and the two can't have different moms.
Right off the bat I defined my boundaries for creating blended families. Cuz if he's being a good father then his bank account will be lightened and his time will be limited. And Since I want maximum attention and support, there is a limit to what I'm willing to share.

-I don't wanna be the first "new girl" since they broke up. There will be a huge adjustment period with them coping with the idea of another person interrupting their pattern and interacting with their kid...and thats assuming they don't have residual feelings for one another!

General tips...
1. Just cuz he shows you a picture doesn't mean he's involved.

2. Don't feel special cuz he sent you a picture of them. I was amazed at how quickly men sent me pics of their kids after meeting me. Usually within 1-2 weeks! While I'm refusing to even tell them my kids name for months.

3. Ask him about their co-parenting arrangements (child support, time). DON'T JUDGE HIM. whatever he says, pretend to be ok with it...so he will keep talking and not get defensive. You'll discover more that way.

4. Pay Attention! Men aren't going to talk about their kids as often as women but pick up patterns on how often his weekend plans included something with his kid.

5. Listen to how he talks about the mom. Cuz that's how he would talk about you. Watch how he treats her...cuz thats how he would treat you.

6. Make sure he and mom are not still involved!!! Men are comfortable with the familiar and women like to hold on to the idea of their family being together.


I'm actually a little paranoid so would prefer that a man have at least 1 kid, a daughter. I feel like if he has a young girl then I will feel more secure that he wont pedophile my daughter. (And yes, I understand that this is not an indicator and no I'm not changing my mind...and yes, I made pedophile a verb).

 

[mzpurp]

Inspired by several people on my TL...

Stop posting sweaty, barefaced, post-workout close-ups on sm. They're not flattering and most of them look downright gross. You're trying to attract, not repel.

Not to derail this thread, but I have a friend who does this....sweaty crotch pics and all and I'm like girrrllll noooooo!!!!

 

[caribeandiva]

Not to derail this thread, but I have a friend who does this....sweaty crotch pics and all and I'm like girrrllll noooooo!!!!

Why would she do that?! No. Just no.

 

[mzpurp]

Why would she do that?! No. Just no.

Girl, idk but you know if you don't post pics, it ain't happnin haha!

 

[C@ssandr@]

Why would she do that?! No. Just no.

I have a friend who overshares on FB. She shared a similar pic with the caption "it looks like I peed myself." She's s fitness guru, but still, umm, not cool.

 

[prettyinpurple]

Inspired by several people on my TL...

Stop posting sweaty, barefaced, post-workout close-ups on sm. They're not flattering and most of them look downright gross. You're trying to attract, not repel.

Women do that? I had no idea.

I'm tired of guys doing that too.

 

[Zaynab]

Okay, y'all. What do you think of a man who says he's marriage minded and asks if you are too BUT he broke up with his ex because she was nagging too much for a ring?

He's not marriage minded. The fact he even said that about his ex screams he's not.

 

[Zaynab]

Inspired by several people on my TL...

Stop posting sweaty, barefaced, post-workout close-ups on sm. They're not flattering and most of them look downright gross. You're trying to attract, not repel.

Then they say stuff like trying to throw shade at us who don't post those ugly pictures, "like... I'm so natural, post workout how". And you're single too. Bye.

 

[Zaynab]

I have yet to meet a man who uses words like "marriage minded" out loud and actually BE marriage minded. A lot of men will throw phrases and terms like this around because it sounds good and they are aware of the results that are yielded by appearing to be in search of a wife. Obviously, his actions say otherwise. If his ex was nagging him for a ring then he did not make his intention to not marry her clear. He probably lead her on, she fell for it, and when she started to press he got out of dodge. Not the type of dude you should waste your time on.

This is so true!!! Marriage minded men don't use that term and I don't think women need to ASK a man if he is. You will definitely see and feel it with his actions. There's no guessing at all. I cannot emphasize that enough.

 

[CoilyFields]

Okay, y'all. What do you think of a man who says he's marriage minded and asks if you are too BUT he broke up with his ex because she was nagging too much for a ring?

He didn't want to marry her in the first place.

The key thing is to get him to acknowledge this fact. Then force him to tell you how long he "strung her along" before putting her out of her misery.

This is the point where you assert how you will not allow anyone to waste your time. I'm really up front with my expectations so I would likely tell him that I plan to be married in the near future, and ask him how long does it take his grown self to know if he wants to spend the rest of his life with someone. Personally, I say a man classify's you as marriage material or not after a few dates, and knows if you are the wife for him within 2-3 months of dating exclusively. Now that doesn't mean he won't date you for 7 years, live with you, have kids with you, buy a house with you etc...just don't expect that to mean he will marry you.

This is what I did with my exDH (ignore the ex part...we were together for 12 years). I was in school out of state when we met and dated. Well before the first year was up and he was telling me how much he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I told him that when I graduated the next year that I would not be staying in that state for a boyfriend...and that I didn't do long distance relationships.

He proposed a few months later.

 

[CurliDiva]

Be comfortable (or learn to be) with going out by yourself and/or trying new things!

One wing (wo)man is ok but hanging out constantly with a big group of women can backfire! Most men would hate the idea of approaching a table full of women, so remove yourself from the "herd" so to speak. Ideally, you and your wing women are both attractive, fun and ready to mingle.

And frequent high-ratio male environments - this is where the "new things" may come into play! You might find a new interest or hobby.

If you stay home every weekend watching Netflix, the only prospect you will meet is the pizza delivery guy and he is only looking for a tip!

 

[Zaynab]

Be comfortable (or learn) going out by yourself and/or trying new things!

One wing (wo)man is ok but hanging out constantly with a big group of women can backfire! Most men would hate the idea of approaching a table full of women, so remove yourself from the "herd" so to speak. Ideally, you and your wing women are both attractive, fun and ready to mingle.

And frequent high-ratio male environments - this is where the "new things" may come into play! You might find a new interest or hobby.

If you stay home every weekend watching Netflix, the only prospect you will meet is the pizza delivery guy and he is only looking for a tip!

I hate seeing women go out in groups. What man wants to walk up to a group of women that's like as intimidating as approaching a pack of wolves, they look hungry and desperate.

 

[Xavier]

Cast a wider net. And yes if you have to, out of the state. I met and dated my now DH LD, however, it can't be aimless. The upfront caveat to that is, someone is going to move and set a timeline.

Just when I least expected it, I meet a nice guy while I was out of town the other day. He is already talking long term and it scares the crap out of me since it seems way too soon( we haven't even been talking for a week yet). He has already put it out there that moving is not a problem down the line.

What advice would you share specifically about dating for marriage when it is LD?

 

[CurliDiva]

Just when I least expected it, I meet a nice guy while I was out of town the other day. He is already talking long term and it scares the crap out of me since it seems way too soon( we haven't even been talking for a week yet). He has already put it out there that moving is not a problem down the line.

What advice would you share specifically about dating for marriage when it is LD?

This was not directed to me but I was planning a move to another state when I met DH.

I was feeling out job prospects, neighborhoods and set one of my dating profiles for men in that another state only. I personally would not consider a place that I would not want to move to regardless of the man..... and would respond to any online inquires with a "just looking to make some friends before I relocate" which took the pressure off from them thinking that I was looking for a plane ticket or a free place to stay.

For safety, please get your own hotel room and rental car! Make sure someone has your travel plans and his photo/contact info.

This probably sounds like some CSI drama, but my college roommate and I would leave a voice message on our apartment phone stating who we were going out with and details about him - so in case we went missing the police had a record in our own words as to where to start looking!

 

[Xavier]

This was not directed to me but I was planning a move to another state when I met DH.

I was feeling out job prospects, neighborhoods and set one of my dating profiles for men in that another state only. I personally would not consider a place that I would not want to move to regardless of the man..... and would respond to any online inquires with a "just looking to make some friends before I relocate" which took the pressure off from them thinking that I was looking for a plane ticket or a free place to stay.

For safety, please get your own hotel room and rental car! Make sure someone has your travel plans and his photo/contact info.

This probably sounds like some CSI drama, but my college roommate and I would leave a voice message on our apartment phone stating who we were going out with and details about him - so in case we went missing the police had a record in our own words as to where to start looking!

Thanks Curli. Good advice. The one date we had when I was visiting his city went well. I'm back home now and he's been consistent with calling me so far. Where he lives is not a place I would rule out as far as moving but he said we would figure it out together if the relationship progresses to that point.

 

[Virtuosa]

For BW, you first! You first! You first! You first! Unless you're a lesbian in an intraracial relationship anyone we marry will have privelage over us. They should seek to balance that in any way they can and we should (justly) use that to our advantage. And yes, it can coexist with kindess and morality.

ETA Will probably expound on this later.

 

[Zaynab]

Just when I least expected it, I meet a nice guy while I was out of town the other day. He is already talking long term and it scares the crap out of me since it seems way too soon( we haven't even been talking for a week yet). He has already put it out there that moving is not a problem down the line.

What advice would you share specifically about dating for marriage when it is LD?

My dh moved quickly, it was very overwhelming. I paid attention to actions more than words though. If you're both open to marriage as the end goal, you have to be very clear about that-both parties. Like who can or can't move, what's the timeline, what are the possible logistics, who has kids, the job that can't be left, etc. Within a few months of dating we had a clear plan driven BY HIM. you should not be making any plans just listening to his plans but listening and being aware. Men know what they want very quickly but still we have to make sure we are doing our due diligence and not ignoring any red flags. I've heard from some folks men that move quickly can be scammers or players, ask questions but not too leading as far as moving and planning, put the onus on him as the man if he wants to seriously be with you, he'll make a plan. Dating long distance is challenging but it can work if everyone is transparent and there's an end goal. Who wants to date LD forever.

 

[Xavier]

My dh moved quickly, it was very overwhelming.

I agree about everything you said about making sure the man is leading and making the plans. I probably posted prematurely. I was being hopeful but this guy is coming on strong and it is very overwhelming. I met him on Saturday and Wednesday he was already claiming me as his woman. He literally told me to drops all the other guys and I was seeing because we're now in a relationship and I'm his woman. Ummm pump the brakes dude. Normally I would have blocked him due to being so turned off but I gotta admit he is attractive, we had chemistry in person, he's an alpha male which I love, and he's really engaging. Last night I told him to chill with the "we are in the relationship" talk especially since we are LD and told him I just wanna get to know him and move a little slower. He told me if I wait too long someone else is gonna snatch him up.

 

[hopeful]

I agree about everything you said about making sure the man is leading and making the plans. I probably posted prematurely. I was being hopeful but this guy is coming on strong and it is very overwhelming. I met him on Saturday and Wednesday he was already claiming me as his woman. He literally told me to drops all the other guys and I was seeing because we're now in a relationship and I'm his woman. Ummm pump the brakes dude. Normally I would have blocked him due to being so turned off but I gotta admit he is attractive, we had chemistry in person, he's an alpha male which I love, and he's really engaging. Last night I told him to chill with the "we are in the relationship" talk especially since we are LD and told him I just wanna get to know him and move a little slower. He told me if I wait too long someone else is gonna snatch him up.

I know you didn't ask me but I think in your case, long distance or not, less than a week is too soon for anyone to know if they want to claim or be claimed. Bottomline is you don't know him and he doesn't know you. What's the rush? I agree with Zaynab that no one wants to date forever, but you guys haven't really dated at all. How could you? In less than a week?

It's fine being take charge and leading in the relationship but he has no business taking charge of you and rushing you, making demands, and subtly threatening that he is the prize, and someone might scoop him up. Really?

Of course you want to get to know him and for things to move slower. You are not a princess in a Disney moving waiting to be saved by a knight in shining armor. You are a real, live, human being, a woman with a full and valuable life. You deserve to be courted properly and treated with respect. He has not put in the work yet. You deserve to feel safe, not overwhelmed. Intensity is not the same as intimacy. Intimacy takes time to build. No getting around that.

A lot of men who move this fast are trying to sweep you off your feet and charm you. But to get to know someone you need for your feet to be on the ground so that you can think clearly, feel safe, and make good choices.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

...........................................

 

[Zaynab]

I know you didn't ask me but I think in your case, long distance or not, less than a week is too soon for anyone to know if they want to claim or be claimed. Bottomline is you don't know him and he doesn't know you. What's the rush? I agree with Zaynab that no one wants to date forever, but you guys haven't really dated at all. How could you? In less than a week?

It's fine being take charge and leading in the relationship but he has no business taking charge of you and rushing you, making demands, and subtly threatening that he is the prize, and someone might scoop him up. Really?

Of course you want to get to know him and for things to move slower. You are not a princess in a Disney moving waiting to be saved by a knight in shining armor. You are a real, live, human being, a woman with a full and valuable life. You deserve to be courted properly and treated with respect. He has not put in the work yet. You deserve to feel safe, not overwhelmed. Intensity is not the same as intimacy. Intimacy takes time to build. No getting around that.

A lot of men who move this fast are trying to sweep you off your feet and charm you. But to get to know someone you need for your feet to be on the ground so that you can think clearly, feel safe, and make good choices.

I don't like the part that he wanted you to drop all the other guys and someone will get him first. Lol I mean I'm all for confidence but having been married to a narc that sounds a bit narc-ish....

OP-If he's serious just watch and pay attention to his actions. Don't ignore any red flags etc.