caribeandiva
Human being
my mind is blown!! Whoa!!
Dating For Marriage: Advice, Tips, Suggestions
- Thread starter Zaynab
- Start date
Women being strung along by men for years need to print this out and post it on the bathroom mirror. Most men will never and honestly don't have the depth to exen explain why they don't want one woman versus the other, they either do or they just don't. That's it. And nothing will change that. They won't even tell you! You'll just leave and her tired because they don't want to hurt you and be the best person who left.On point.
I'm adding this because I saw it on the other board and this post reminded me of it. Straight from the horse's mouth:
Hi reddit, I feel terrible, terrible and I could really use some advice. In advance, I expect this post to receive a lot of negative comments, and I'm ok with this. If you could look past some points, I would appreciate an advice of how to approach this.
I've been in relationship with my SO for the last seven years, and we have been living together for the last three. It wasn't "love on the first sight" type of relationship. Actually, I grew to love her over the time. It started when we met on line; she was funny, smart and we started dating. Things progressed very slowly, and what I liked about her is that she's a "family and honor" type of girl. I met her when I thought I'll never find someone like that at my age then (28). I wanted a honest woman who appreciates true values in life, which was something that, after many one night stands and failed relationships, I didn't think existed anymore. Foolish, I know, but if you've been in my shoes back then, you would think the same. And then I met her.
One of the problems I've had from the beginning is sex. I was never actually attracted to her - she wasn't my type of woman. Although everyone thought she was beautiful, I just never saw it that way. I love her for her personality and that's why I'm with her in the first place, but the physical attraction was sadly never there. Sometimes, I would look at her and think "maybe she is pretty, it's just me, I need to work on myself and change my image of her".
Then, I was her first lover - she was a virgin when we met. I was with inexperienced girls before so I took it slowly, and gave my best to teach her about the things I like, to learn what she likes, but over the time, I learned that we're just sexually incompatible to the point that I don't even want to have sex with her anymore.
I honestly prefer masturbation to sex at this point. We have sex only when I feel that we should finally do it because I don't want to take it completely from her. I know that she loves sex, but I feel sorry for her knowing that there is someone else who she could have the best time in her life with, instead with this sorry excuse for a sex with me. Before you ask, no I can't talk to her about it. Belive me that I tried to work on it with her for the first two years and talked a lot. It' just won't work, we're not compatible and I don't see how this can be changed. And she loves me to death, says I'm all she ever wanted from a man.
Then, there is the marriage thing. We always talked how we want to get married and have children, and I always thought that she's the person I want to spend my life with, regardless of the attraction problem. I know nobody's perfect, and I though I need to look past this, because the base of every relationship is trust and friendship and since she's my best friend, sex shouldn't matter.
And then, a few days ago we were at her younger brother's engagement party and her drunk father gave me a few not-so-good remarks about me not proposing her yet. He did it publicly, and it hurt her a lot. Since then she feels bad, wants me to talk to her father, but I can't. You know why? I can't because I'm not sure I want to marry her. She's my best friend, I love her, I can't stand seeing her cry and being so sad.. I know that only thing that would put her heart to ease is me proposing her finally. I can't do that because I'm not sure it's the right thing to do.
And now comes the part that will create a lot of hate. If not for this what I'm about to tell, I would probably propose her. I met someone 3 weeks ago, someone smart, pretty, and we share a lot of common interests. We have been meeting during my lunch breaks, then I started hanging out with her every opportunity I got. I think I might even be in love her, but nothing physical happened. She told me that she's not interested in me physically because I'm in relationship.
And that's fine with me because I think I already did enough damage with meeting her in the first place. But did meeting her ruin all my plans and perception of my future? Yes, yes and yes. She's not even a person I could plan my future with - she's 12 years younger than me, still in college, doesn't want to get married or have children (everything that my SO wants), but why do I want her so badly? She actually opened my eyes in terms of wanting someone physically, not only emotionally.
Now I don't know what to do. How can I propose my girlfriend knowing that: 1) I will have bad sex all my life and 2) I cheated her emotionally? If I tell her about the other girl, we're finished because she doesn't tolerate adultery of any kind. If I don't tell her and somehow try to work on our relationship, finally proposing her, I'm afraid that this could happen again. On the second hand, I'm the type of person who really could spend his life knowing that everything doesn't have to be perfect and try to live with all shortcomings in the relationship. I could maybe do it if I try, but is this fair to her?
Original post here
Y'all. This man has dated a woman for 7 years, lived with her for 3, and is not even attracted to her. Then he met someone he's attracted to and would probably marry her tomorrow except she doesn't want to get married. And so he's staying with his Gf knowing he doesn't want to marry her and the sex is trash, because he doesn't like to see her cry. And she's sticking around hoping he'll finally propose.
THIS IS MEN. They will stay knowing they aren't going to marry you and halfway don't even like you that much and you will have no idea. Don't be this girl.
caribeandiva
Human being
Speaking of relocating for a man I have a story. My brother had this new girlfriend who he was dating for a few months. He was leaving for college in a different city over 4 hours away. She asked me for advice and I told her not to follow him even though he's my brother. Of course she ignored me and went. She transferred school up there too, found a job, etc... It went well for a year or so. Eventually they broke up and it was ugly. She was stuck up there cuz she knew no one. Her friends here offered to help her and I don't really know what happened after that. All I know is she found another guy, they have a kid together now but she was still throwing shade at my brother on Facebook every chance she got. Bih, if you're so damn happy and in love with your new boo why you worried about my brother? Another reason I'm glad I have no social media anymore.
Girl. This happens everyday.my mind is blown!! Whoa!!
Remember this the next time you hear a woman talk about her ex she dated 5/7/10 years who got married in 6 months after they broke up.
I don't want to know if a man supports feminism, if he marches for every SM cause. Most men aren't that deep. I want to know if he values family. If he is a provider. How he feels children should be raised. What his moral compass is as a whole. Women are getting morals/values and wokeness mixed up. I don't need to argue about if BW are this or that. If he makes disparaging or negative comments about BW, you shouldn't even be dating him.
1. The woke thing I mentioned earlier. Find a girlfriend and chill.
2. No personality.
3. Needy. Clingy. Desperate
4. Too demanding. "Too I pay all my bills blah, blah. Take me here, take me there, do this"
5. Still listening to church men/women telling them to do this and that and they'll find a man. Oh OK.
caribeandiva
Human being
Omg yes!! I made that mistake before.
Mai Tai
Miss Nigeria-America
I have a friend that just recently proposed to his GF with what I've concluded to be a "shut up" ring.
We were chatting the other day and he was like "Oh, by the way, I got engaged *rolls eyes*." I was SUPER excited but noticed that he was just blah about it. I was like, "You seem indifferent." and he goes on to tell me that she's been harassing and harassing him for years and he finally gave in. I told him that his attitude towards the proposal was messed up that he's messing with her life and he was just like, "Well she hung on for so long that I felt bad."
He then proceeded to tell me that they got into an argument about her "being the woman of the house" and him commenting back with "Well you don't live here yet!" and that they haven't spoken for 2 weeks. I flat out told him that he hit her below the belt and was dead azzzz wrong. I can't go 2 hours without talking to my husband while we're together, let alone 2 weeks!
My point is that I've seen many men propose not because they want to marry the woman but to keep from being "the bad guy", and it is essential that we never place ourselves in a position of being the fallback woman by hanging onto a relationship that's been dead from the beginning. This can be avoided by properly vetting men and setting silent deadlines when they choose to drag their feet.
I know a few women who appear to be good catches. Two of them are divorced, so I think its a matter of being extra cautious of the choices they make. Also, they have been the head of their own households for so many years that it may be hard to relinquish some of that control. Especially when children are involved.
I know someone like this. Dude has been married three times. He admitted to a mutual friend of ours that he married his second wife because she was looking for a man to help her raise her son. I think he married his third wife because her family and friends talked him up to be the best thing since sliced bread and he didn't want to disappoint her, her family or her friends.
Southernbella.
Well-Known Member
my mind is blown!! Whoa!!
I think we underestimate the fear a lot of men have of being honest and then facing the consequences. They would rather get married/stay in a mediocre relationship indefinitely than admit that they wasted our time. It's crazy.
Yes!!! The bad guy thing is so true. Your friend is either going to be passive aggressive until she breaks up with him or he's going to go through with it and make both of them miserable. But at least he didn't break her heart.
Also as I read the thread on Reddit, he was citing sex as the "sorta" reason but that's really not the reason because he's in love with a person he hasn't even had sex with yet. And if her sex was mediocre, he wouldn't even care.I think we underestimate the fear a lot of men have of being honest and then facing the consequences. They would rather get married/stay in a mediocre relationship indefinitely than admit that they wasted our time. It's crazy.
Yes!!! The bad guy thing is so true. Your friend is either going to be passive aggressive until she breaks up with him or he's going to go through with it and make both of them miserable. But at least he didn't break her heart.
Kimbosheart
Well-Known Member
I love Reddit
Southernbella.
Well-Known Member
Adding because I forgot about a couple of friends on sm. This is them every day:
Post 1: Meme about knowing your worth
Post 2: Meme about hustling and being independent. Adds #knowyourworth to the end
Post 3: No #mcm right now but he's coming #iknowmyworth
Post 4: Meme of a butterfly. Adds #knowyourworth #addtaxtoit
Post 5: Meme about how men and women should spoil each other. Adds #ilovethelittlethings
Post 6: Meme about never settling. Adds #iknowwhatiwant
Y'all see where this is going?
sgold04
Well-Known Member
This is my challenge kinda. I don't need someone out in the streets with BLM signs, but I do want someone with some intellectual depth + the values you stated. Am I "wrong" (for lack of a better word) for wanting someone I can converse with about a variety of topics? I'm genuinely curious and would like your insight (and other ladies).
I meet men who meet the basic requirements who adore me, but they bore me. I'm definitely not trying to debate my man (it's annoying), or talk about social justice issues all the time, I'd just like for him to have the capacity to discuss these things, and still have a sense of humor and some personality. I've been conflicted about this lately because these H-town dudes are ready to wife me in a second, but I can't envision a life where all dude does is sit on a porch and smoke cigars and we talk about football and the kids for the next 50 years (and I love football). I wonder if I'm unrealistic sometimes, but then I feel sad that desiring these things might be unrealistic.
BEAUTYU2U
Well-Known Member
I think I know what Zaynab is about to say....stop looking at your man for intellectual stimulation. That's what girlfriends and gay besties are for.
Did I get it right?
But I get you cause intelligence is very attractive and the line between inquiring about his values and putting him on the spot like a CNN interview could be blurry for some.
Did I get it right?
But I get you cause intelligence is very attractive and the line between inquiring about his values and putting him on the spot like a CNN interview could be blurry for some.
sgold04
Well-Known Member
I think I know what Zaynab is about to say....stop looking at your man for intellectual stimulation. That's what girlfriends and gay besties are for.
Did I get it right?
But I get you cause intelligence is very attractive and the line between inquiring about his values and putting him on the spot like a CNN interview could be blurry for some.
I've definitely seen this play out before, but it's not an issue I have. I don't want to get all sexified to go and argue with someone. I have been out with some insecure men who ask me what I do and when I tell them...it doesn't go well, but that's on them, not me...but when I see that insecurity arise... I might become a bit of an ***hole 
but that's because it wouldn't work out anyway. I tend to be a charmer even when I don't mean to be because I'm genuinely interested in people's stories, and men interpret that as sexual interest, even when it's not my intent (like platonic situations, random convos at bars, etc).
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BEAUTYU2U
Well-Known Member
Are you in politics?I think being vague when men ask that question may be the best route.
sgold04
Well-Known Member
Not quite politics but it should be lol.
I think being vague when men ask that question may be the best route.
I try to keep it vague but these ninjas is nosey! I'll say "I'm in education", and try to keep it at that, then they want to ask probing questions and I'm like
I had one guy who kept digging and digging and digging...AFTER he ran through his resumè and mentioned his MBA from Wharton several times...and when the cat was out of the bag that I had a PhD from a particular school, he said, "what are you? A degree whore or something?" 
Anywho, I knew he wasn't the right one for me, but damn. People make A LOT of assumptions about me because of my level of degree attainment. They believe I put career first before dating/love. Nope. They believe that I believe my career/degrees makes me special. Nope. They think I only want to date a man with an advanced degree. Nope. I met plenty of idiots roaming around elite schools, my credentials mean I have a particular set of skills, not that my worth as a human and a woman is more than others....so I try to keep this info to myself.
caribeandiva
Human being
I wished more women realized this. I know I've fallen into that trap before.
PrissiSippi
Simply Komplex
I thought my degrees made me special.Not quite politics but it should be lol.
I try to keep it vague but these ninjas is nosey! I'll say "I'm in education", and try to keep it at that, then they want to ask probing questions and I'm like
Anywho, I knew he wasn't the right one for me, but damn. People make A LOT of assumptions about me because of my level of degree attainment. They believe I put career first before dating/love. Nope. They believe that I believe my career/degrees makes me special. Nope. They think I only want to date a man with an advanced degree. Nope. I met plenty of idiots roaming around elite schools, my credentials mean I have a particular set of skills, not that my worth as a human and a woman is more than others....so I try to keep this info to myself.
I was soooo smart, ambitious, and goofy. That was SURE to get me a mani wish I would have learned those degrees were for me and me only I'm still searching fur what makes me special. I honestly don't know and feel like many people my age are the same if they truly think about it.
Girl. I see this all day everyday.
No, you're not wrong. Of course you want to have a man who can have a dialogue about different topics and shared interests. Yes I love football too and I typically keep my initial conversations with men fairly light and airy. As you get to know a man I definitely don't think you need to dumb it down or avoid certain subjects you are interested in. I love love love politics but my comment was directed at women who drill these dudes like they're on the stand about this this and that
That's what the internet is for I mean but if you don't vote, have zero knowledge about anything current going on, then pass of course. But there are some women who are like what do you think about BLM/natural hair/feminism/equal pay for women/birth control.. Men are like And then the woman is like omg he's not woke girl, I can't date him because he doesn't know what congressional district he's in-most Americans don't hell. These Houston men.... I mean some are basic and yes they do love football and cigars. Dh is the same but he's also pretty intelligent. I didn't find that out until later though
I still think men who ask what you do straight out the gate are men to pass on. I'm not telling anyone to take this advice-it's just what I've always done and I have an advanced degree, I'm definitely not a dummy. My dad told me years ago not to date a man without facial hair and a man who asked immediately "what I do". Both have held to be true as far as character, don't ask me why
There's no science to this.Yea he's insecure and he's also not a provider minded man either. He will be asking you to split bills in a marriage. Pass.Not quite politics but it should be lol.
I try to keep it vague but these ninjas is nosey! I'll say "I'm in education", and try to keep it at that, then they want to ask probing questions and I'm like
Anywho, I knew he wasn't the right one for me, but damn. People make A LOT of assumptions about me because of my level of degree attainment. They believe I put career first before dating/love. Nope. They believe that I believe my career/degrees makes me special. Nope. They think I only want to date a man with an advanced degree. Nope. I met plenty of idiots roaming around elite schools, my credentials mean I have a particular set of skills, not that my worth as a human and a woman is more than others....so I try to keep this info to myself.
sgold04
Well-Known Member
No, you're not wrong. Of course you want to have a man who can have a dialogue about different topics and shared interests. Yes I love football too and I typically keep my initial conversations with men fairly light and airy. As you get to know a man I definitely don't think you need to dumb it down or avoid certain subjects you are interested in. I love love love politics but my comment was directed at women who drill these dudes like they're on the stand about this this and that
These Houston men.... I mean some are basic and yes they do love football and cigars. Dh is the same but he's also pretty intelligent. I didn't find that out until later though
@ the last line. Ah yes I see the difference, I'm not the type that has a man feeling like he's testifying in front of a judge, but I don't think I keep initial convos light and airy, so I'll keep that in mind.
sgold04
Well-Known Member
I still think men who ask what you do straight out the gate are men to pass on. I'm not telling anyone to take this advice-it's just what I've always done and I have an advanced degree, I'm definitely not a dummy. My dad told me years ago not to date a man without facial hair and a man who asked immediately "what I do". Both have held to be true as far as character, don't ask me why
Great point. I've noticed the "what do you do" guys get on my dang nerves but I never thought about the provider angle.
Thank you! Your responses are refreshing and affirming.
sweetvi
Well-Known Member
sgold04
Well-Known Member
I meet a lot of people like this too, which is why these assumptions are made about me. It's hard for them to believe otherwise, but my identity as an intelligent woman was never wrapped up in my degrees. Im INTP and we tend to place value on the process of learning and acquiring knowledge, but care nothing for acquiring these things just because it will look good to someone else.
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