Dating For Marriage: Advice, Tips, Suggestions

AnjelLuvsUBabe said:
Why not just initiate smile, or have a positive looking face.. I mean just your ever loving demeanor, you dont have to be cheesing...
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I've tried but if he is creeping me out with a hard stare, I'll look away because I am uncomfortable. He looks angry. I can't tell if he is digusted by me or not. I understand that I have to do my part in dating, but I can't read his mind. I have had men smile at me so I know they can smile.

Why be uncomfortable around a man who isn't? Same if I am not smiling, the man won't feel comfortable approaching me. I wouldn't blame him.

I work in an area where I have to speak to strangers all day. I know how to smile and be engaging. That's never been my problem. What I am trying to work on is flirting and feminine energy that clearly seem to be lacking.
 
TwoSnapsUp said:
I meant that the man looking at me isn't smiling. I just end up looking away.
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I still smile anyway. I think men are used to women not smiling.

You gotta think, if the onus is on men to, well be 'men' and make the first move and most men are really apprehensive to approach women, especially attractive ones, then, I guess we have to meet in the middle somewhere.
 
shespoison said:
What are easy ways to spot a bum without actually wasting my time getting to know them?
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Ahem....*clears throat* I'll take this one.

1. Bums usually never talk about anything of substance/value. Also, if they are unemployed or underemployed, they never talk about work.

2. They will change the subject without answering your question and get you to talk about your job/career instead, whereas a guy with a good career (just like guys that are well-endowed) will let you know upfront what they do or talk about their work day freely and openly.

3. If they literally look "dusty" everytime you see them, that's usually also a good indicator.

4. If you live in a major Metropolitan City where having a car is more of a nuisance or a hassle than a necessity, and he doesn't have a car, he could be a professional man that's just taking the bus because that's what everyone does in a major city where cars are more of a hassle to have, or he really could be a bum. If this is the case, you will have to ask more questions to determine which one is the case before you completely write him off.

However, if you live in a regular city or small city where you absolutely need a car to get from point A to point B and public transportation is slim to none or unreliable and he doesn't have a car, he's a bum.

4.5- Also you can add to that if he is constantly borrowing somebody else's car to get around, in a new rental every 2 weeks, or with a new car with a paper tag every other month b/c of repossessions, he is a bum.

Number 5.... if he is always saying "my car is in the shop, can you drive?" then yeah, he's a bum. Do not entertain a man with no car trying to date you.
You will end up driving him everywhere, dates included. Plus, it might be hard for you to tell if he is genuinely interested in you or if he's just there for the free ride (literally and figuratively speaking).

6. I would be remiss if I did not point out that if he doesn't have a car he should at least be actively trying to figure out how to get a car. If he is not, please leave that man alone.

7. A man should always, always, always be enterprising in some way, shape, form or fashion. So if he is not thinking about ways to get more money and actively getting more money on a consistent basis to improve his financial standing and position in life overall, he's a bum.

****I'm interrupting this bulletin for an anecdote break**** :lol:

I dated a guy that used to be a mechanic. He worked as a mechanic Monday through Friday (and every other Saturday). In addition to that, he also sold and delivered tires on the weekends after he got off. His hustle was so tight he was also fixing people's cars on the low at the same place he worked but he would write up the service ticket as an oil change and they would just pay him a fraction of what the shop would have charged. :look:

My gay guy friend had car trouble and he was like "baby, tell your boy I got him, and I need to change the oil in your truck too so ya'll come through now." That bill for my friend's car was over $700.00 and he totaled it out to zero because he loved me.

Of course he always changed my oil and did regular maintenance on my car for free.

He also got money in other ways, legally of course. But he always used to joke with me and say "I wasn't always a tax-paying citizen." :lachen:

So I said all that to say a man should always have money or be trying to get it. If he's not then that man is a bum and therefore not deserving of you or your time.

*******back to my list*******

So getting back to that example about the car being in the shop if the car is legitimately in the shop and he's enterprising and he's about his business and getting his bread, that car should not be in the shop more than a few days to a week at the most.

If it's in the shop longer than that or for months on end, or if he always has an excuse for why the car isn't fixed yet or why he hasn't gone to pay for said repairs and pick it up, bruh.... just give it up you ain't got no car.

8. Stay away from the old "Damn, I lost my wallet" ssa type dudes. Or, "I was rushing out the house and I forgot my wallet." The wallet should be the first thing you leave out of the house with, along with your keys! Nah, just say you broke.

Another way to tell is that they won't be in a panic over the fact that they "lost" or "forgot" the wallet because they don't have ish to begin with. A man with a lot to lose will be fretting over where he might have misplaced it or getting on the phone to cancel credit cards, etc. to prevent fraud/identity theft.

These types of guys are bums for the simple fact that they expect you to foot the bill, wine and dine them and spend your money to take care of them. Don't even start because like I said in another post, whatever you start you have to be willing to continue.

Now a man who legitimately has forgotten his wallet is only going to forget that wallet one time because he is going to remember how he felt to be without currency. (Real) men do not like being broke, ever! Remember that, ladies! If a man is comfortable being broke or comfortable watching you struggle and not willing to help, he is a bum.

Even if he does forget his wallet, let me tell you how you handle that. If you're with him you can just be like, "oh, well sweetie that's ok... we can swing back by your house and get it. I don't mind. We have plenty of time before we have to make our reservation/pick up concert tickets/etc." But only pay if you bout that life. And if you ain't bout that life just be like," Oh, I'm sorry to hear you lost your wallet. We can go out another time. That will give you a chance to handle your business and order new cards and cancel the old ones." :look:

A man of substance that really did forget his wallet is going to be extremely uncomfortable with you paying, and if you do pay, he is going to work overtime to redeem himself and not allow you to continue perceiving him as a sucker or a scrub.

A bum that is used to women paying for everything would not even flinch in that situation and he wouldn't look the least bit bothered that you are doing what he should be doing.

But DO NOT fix your face to say you will pay, and you won't ever have that problem. :look:

9. All the things TLC mentioned in "No Scrubs" :lachen: but especially if he lives with his mom or has 6 or 7 roommates...girl let that man go. As far as the roommate situation goes, you will never have privacy because a man like that will never spring to take you on a weekend getaway, and if he does, he will be nickeling and dimeing you to death the whole time.

It also shows that he may not be all that responsible because more than likely if he has a roommate (or several) the bills might not even be in his name. Some or all of the bills (and the lease) might be in other people's names. Also, he will never know what it is like to be the head of the household and support a family without factoring in your money and that is how you end up with a bill-splitter.

Now conversely, there may be legitimate reasons he lives at home with his parents (elderly, sick/shut-in and he may be a caregiver, etc.) and he is otherwise doing alright for himself or maybe he lives alone but spends the night there a few times a week to help out. But these types of things you have to find out quickly so as not to waste your time.

You do that by asking the right questions. Here are a few examples:

- Tell me about your home life. What was that like for you growing up, and how is it now? (if his answer is consistent and doesn't change much, more than likely he lives at home with his family.)

-Or you could go with "What is your background?"

The type of answer you are looking for is one that clearly states he is independent, has moved out of his parents' house and has established himself as a (gainfully employed, financially stable) grown man. Only you know what an acceptable answer to that question is for yourself, but to me, a good example of what a decent man might say is this: "I grew up in (insert city here) but I knew from a young age I wanted to be (insert lucrative career here) so I worked hard in HS, got a scholarship to (insert prestigious college/university) and majored in (finance, accounting, pre-med, engineering, etc.) I interned at (xyz company) and they hired me right out of college. I moved away and I've been working there ever since and I'm on track to make partner, get a promotion, etc. My family and I are close. I visit on holidays or weekends when I have time."

-where do you live, and with whom? If that is too direct, use this one as an alternative:

"Are there others that we will need to be considerate of if we have a romantic night at your place?" or "what does a romantic night at home look like for you and a potential bachelorette?"

If he comes back with "I'll probably get a room for us somewhere," or you get to that point and he is using someone else's place as a front for his spot, (you can ALWAYS tell if this is the case-more on that later) then you have your answers, or you need to do some more digging to see what he could be hiding. :lol:

-can we go to your place for a night cap? (Use your discretion if
You just met....even if you just met still ask but frame it differently by adding "once we get to know each other a little better, of course" or whatever variation of that question that you are comfortable with.) Now, be flirty and breezy when you are asking this line of questioning I'm mentioning. If you treat him like you are interrogating a hostile witness, you will NOT get the information you need.

10. Pay attention to his answers, as well as his actions. A man who lives alone (especially if he just bought a house) are very proud of their accomplishments and want to show you what they have to offer or what they are capable of providing for you.

11. A bum is only going to show you that they are lazy and have no ambition to get up and get their own ish.

12. Bums literally come to the table with nothing, and have nothing to lose. People like that will make sure you lose EVERYTHING. They also make sure they leave the table with something. Oftentimes, it might be at your expense.

13. Watch his spending habits. Does he blow money fast even though he hasn't put anything in savings or paid bills and taken care of other responsibilities (groceries, repairs, etc.) yet?

14. Is he "robbing Peter to pay Paul?"

15. Does he make a habit out of borrowing money from people on a regular basis to make it look like he is employed and then ghosting them when it's time to pay them back?

16. Is he donating blood or plasma or sperm to make ends meet? :look:

17. Is he spending all hours in a late-night or 24-hour type of establishment out of necessity and not because he actually wants to? (He might be homeless) or jumping from (friend's/family's) house to (friend's/family)house.

18. Does he call you from a private number or a different phone all the time and tell you not to call the phone back after ya'll finish talking?

19. Are people "looking for him" on a regular basis?

20. If he is always pulling a scam to get by in life, he is a bum. Run the other way, because at some point you will become a victim of his cons and scams.
 
Zaynab said:
All my friends are introverts and that's never stoped them from getting a man because like you said, they play it up in other ways, soft, demure (like you)

Aww thank you! When DH pursued me, I was like nah. We went out on two dates and I was like meh. Then I became super unavailable, like I would call him back once for every five phone calls :lol: He was going down to number 3 actually. Finally, he said "just tell me flat out what it is about me, what am I not doing". I said, "well I'm a fun person and you aren't any fun." :look: He said well I'm attracted to you because of your energy and vibrance, and I don't want to lose that so can you teach me how to have fun? That's like music to an extroverts ears, so I said why yes I will teach you. :yep:
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I can so relate to that becaase I'm an extrovert too! ENFJ to be exact. If a dude isn't any fun I lose interest. They gravitate to me cuz I'm the life of the party. Fun is a core need of mine.
 
SurferBabe said:
What are some hard truths about men that every single (unmarried) woman should know/understand before becoming a wife?
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I just remembered another one I wanted to say. It's important that you do not marry a man that does not have a good sense of self or know who he is.

This kind of man is never on point with anything, especially how to lead and be the head of the household. He can also be easily influenced by others and not very confident in his actions or decisions.

When a man is not firmly rooted in his identity and is still trying to "find himself" in the world, so to speak, he will make choices that you may not always agree with. Those choices may end up causing ramifications and damage you may end up having to clean up.

Self-exploration and discovery should happen during the teens and 20's, and by mid to late 30's a man should have a good sense of self.

I hope I explained that right. It's kind of hard to put into words that make sense.
 
shespoison said:
What are easy ways to spot a bum without actually wasting my time getting to know them?
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I think easily spotting a bum requires intuition and practice. What you consider a bum may be someone else's dream guy, so think about the things that you desire in a mate, what you can overlook and what is a deal breaker and go from there.

Some initial things to consider, how does he approach you? How does he treat you on a first date? Is he expecting a kiss or something more? Does he expect to pay for the date? Does he open your car door? Does he help you with your coat?

As time goes on, who are his friends? Birds of a feather flock together. Do his friends share his values? How do they treat their significant others?

How does he treat his parents? His siblings? How does he treat the wait staff at a restaurant? All these these things will give you insight in to who he is.

I dated a guy who was sweet and charming, but I missed some other warning signs because I was smitten with him and a tad bit lonely. About a month in to us seeing each other we were talking about things we find romantic or endearing. He told me he thinks its romantic when a couple is sitting at the table with all the bills spread out and the checkbook and they realize they don't have enough money to pay all the bills that month. So, they reach across the table, hold hands and say, "I love you" to each other. He was cute, sweet, charming and made me laugh, but at that moment I knew he had some bum like tendencies. We were only a month in and he was preparing me for a life of debt and unpaid bills. No, sir.

I say all that to say don't get so caught up in the early stages that you can't see the forest for the trees.
 
mrselle said:
I think easily spotting a bum requires intuition and practice. What you consider a bum may be someone else's dream guy, so think about the things that you desire in a mate, what you can overlook and what is a deal breaker and go from there.

I dated a guy who was sweet and charming, but I missed some other warning signs because I was smitten with him and a tad bit lonely. About a month in to us seeing each other we were talking about things we find romantic or endearing. He told me he thinks its romantic when a couple is sitting at the table with all the bills spread out and the checkbook and they realize they don't have enough money to pay all the bills that month. So, they reach across the table, hold hands and say, "I love you" to each other. He was cute, sweet, charming and made me laugh, but at that moment I knew he had some bum like tendencies. We were only a month in and he was preparing me for a life of debt and unpaid bills. No, sir.

I say all that to say don't get so caught up in the early stages that you can't see the forest for the trees.
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I just busted out laughing. How did he fix his mind and mouth to say that foolishness? Every last one of the nopes.
 
Mai Tai said:
Thanks for tagging me @Zaynab! Not sure how I managed to earn the honor but I do know that relationships are something that I love talking about and helping women cultivate. I tend to be very straight up in my advice because that's my personality one, and two, to me, men really are not that hard to figure out.

Of course, anything I say should only be directed towards mentally and spiritually healthy men who are genuinely interested in a building a relationship because Lord knows I don't play that "How can I get him to like me?" "Or how can I get him to stop mistreating me?" $hyt.

If I were to start off with one piece of advice to both single and married ladies it's to first respect and learn to appreciate the positive differences between men and women because they are abundantly wonderful and quite enjoyable. This does not mean that you need to learn how to love and accept misogyny, community peen-ism, brute force, fuqboyshyt, or any other crap that many men try to pass off as "normal", it just means that we should stop stacking up his way of thinking and moving against our feminine ideal because even though the best dudes have the capacity to love, heal, nuture, and empathize, the fact remains that he, not you, is a man and still views the world through masculine lenses.




If by "on his toes" you mean "consistently interested" then you can only accomplish this by shifting your focus from him to growing in ways that you find interesting. Each man is different so it's absolutely impossible to gauge what will tickle your man in mind's fancy so I would start by saying do you and do not allow your entire world to be wrapped up in that man. Be sweetly unapologetic about it, and those who like it will be thoroughly smitten, and those who don't can kick rocks.

Next I would advise that you don't expose him too much to your personal routines and the like. I've heard many women proudly exclaim "My SO or husband knows EVERYTHING" about me, and I'm like "Girl why??"

Not sure if this makes sense?

Edited to add...NO! Marriage does not make a difference. If anything it heightens the necessity to be authenticly you.
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Mai Tai said:
Thanks for tagging me @Zaynab! Not sure how I managed to earn the honor but I do know that relationships are something that I love talking about and helping women cultivate. I tend to be very straight up in my advice because that's my personality one, and two, to me, men really are not that hard to figure out.

Of course, anything I say should only be directed towards mentally and spiritually healthy men who are genuinely interested in a building a relationship because Lord knows I don't play that "How can I get him to like me?" "Or how can I get him to stop mistreating me?" $hyt.

If I were to start off with one piece of advice to both single and married ladies it's to first respect and learn to appreciate the positive differences between men and women because they are abundantly wonderful and quite enjoyable. This does not mean that you need to learn how to love and accept misogyny, community peen-ism, brute force, fuqboyshyt, or any other crap that many men try to pass off as "normal", it just means that we should stop stacking up his way of thinking and moving against our feminine ideal because even though the best dudes have the capacity to love, heal, nuture, and empathize, the fact remains that he, not you, is a man and still views the world through masculine lenses.




If by "on his toes" you mean "consistently interested" then you can only accomplish this by shifting your focus from him to growing in ways that you find interesting. Each man is different so it's absolutely impossible to gauge what will tickle your man in mind's fancy so I would start by saying do you and do not allow your entire world to be wrapped up in that man. Be sweetly unapologetic about it, and those who like it will be thoroughly smitten, and those who don't can kick rocks.

Next I would advise that you don't expose him too much to your personal routines and the like. I've heard many women proudly exclaim "My SO or husband knows EVERYTHING" about me, and I'm like "Girl why??"

Not sure if this makes sense?

Edited to add...NO! Marriage does not make a difference. If anything it heightens the necessity to be authenticly you.
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I just had to highlight that for emphasis.
 
Poster wanted this question and my reply posted here: This is an important question so I hope it helps someone.

"How did you meet a marriageable man with no children as a divorced woman in her 30's? I feel like as a single mom, the odds are stacked against us. How can a man see a woman with children as a benefit when he could date someone without any children? This is a hurdle for me and makes me feel I'm less desirable to men, especially those w/o children."

If there's a statistic about BW and BM, I just ignore them. I was turning 40 when I met now DH. Blah, single/divorced black womem 35 and over are doomed to hell:rolleyes: Well not me. I never led with I'm a single mom. I never used that term because for 1) it sounds negative 2) it's not the main part of me. I didn't overly talk about my children and the 50-11 things I had to do as a mother everyday, why? That's not how you get to know someone. Again, more confidence I guess. I just put high value on myself in general, I never seemed bedraggled, rushed, worn out, whatever people associate with a single mother, I presented the opposite. I also was like well it's a value to get me and my wonderful quality children, who wouldn't want to be in a family with us? I think it's just again, how you feel about yourself and project that. Not to bring WW in this but they divorce and remarry with 3/4 kids and don't blink that Tom should want to marry her and be a new family with all of them. So, we don't have to think it's a negative situation, it's not. Also, I'm like I was married before, I've been chosen and can be chosen again, whether it's you or someone else. All the men I vetted after my divorce had no children actually and were my age or older.
 
I appreciate all the willingness to help in this thread. It seems the crux of the advice is healthy sense of self before everything. Cultivate your sense of self so much that it doesn't stop when a man enters. It's about loving the most permanent fixture in your life first (yourself) before love presents itself to you externally. Always think highly of yourself even after the end game (marriage) is achieved. A healthy inner life will attract healthy (and unhealthy) men but a strong sense of self will help filter out those who are parasites to your inner light. It shifts the power of having a relationship solely to the woman and not a man.
 
Zaynab said:
Not to bring WW in this but they divorce and remarry with 3/4 kids and don't blink that Tom should want to marry her and be a new family with all of them. So, we don't have to think it's a negative situation, it's not. Also, I'm like I was married before, I've been chosen and can be chosen again, whether it's you or someone else.
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Girl, you're speaking the truth right here! Especially the bolded! We as black women have to stop thinking we deserve less or "no man is going to want us" because of the fact that we have children, illnesses, or don't have xyz, etc. The right man will want to be with you and choose you.
 
IslandMummy said:
Don't.

**unless he's a widower**
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Chile....again, I had to learn the hard way not to date them or newly divorced men with kids.

Now I will say that not all single dads are the same, but it takes a lot of work to filter them out and vet them (sometimes twice as much) so you have to determine quickly if that's something you should undertake.

Men who have been divorced for a few years or more (to me, 5 is ideal but 3 is more realistic, and 2 is still too fresh) and have healed from it and have truly moved on and can co-parent in a healthy way with their ex-wives *might* be ok.
 
MissNadia said:
I appreciate all the willingness to help in this thread. It seems the crux of the advice is healthy sense of self before everything. Cultivate your sense of self so much that it doesn't stop when a man enters. It's about loving the most permanent fixture in your life first (yourself) before love presents itself to you externally. Always think highly of yourself even after the end game (marriage) is achieved. A healthy inner life will attract healthy (and unhealthy) men but a strong sense of self will help filter out those who are parasites to your inner light. It shifts the power of having a relationship solely to the woman and not a man.
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Yes ma'am. Be kind and good to yourself, and the universe will follow suit. If you don't value yourself and treat yourself poorly, then others are not going to feel the need to do any better. It also leaves you open to people who will prey on you and take advantage of you. (general you.)
 
NappyNelle said:
Advice for dating single dads?
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Ok. Dating a single father takes a lot of patience and compromise. If he is a good father, an involved father, nurturing and caring then be prepared to have moments of feeling like a fifth wheel. Be prepared to have a child who does not like you no matter what you do (especially if the child is a girl). Be prepared to have your character brought in to question. Be prepared to feel like you are fighting a losing battle. Know that you can be Suzy Sunshine and Mary Poppins rolled into one and the mother will still find a reason to dislike you. The only solid advice I can give is to tread lightly and take note of how your significant other balances being a single dad and a boyfriend. Observe the relationship between the mother and the father. How well do they co-parent together? Observe the relationship between the mother and the father's mother (child's grandmother). Do they get along? Will they team up to turn the child against you? Observe the child. Understand that girls can be manipulative and catty. Use your intuition . You will know soon enough if dating a single dad is something you can handle.

My husband has a daughter from a previous relationship. While my marriage has been great, my relationship with my stepdaughter is nothing at all that I thought or hoped it would be. She is an adult now and at best we are acquaintances. It has been heartbreaking and often times difficult to accept. Her relationship with her father is a little better, but not much.
 
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