Dating For Marriage: Advice, Tips, Suggestions

[SpiritJunkie]

I don't know, but my friend said he looks like he'd take off my skin and wear it!

 

[Petal26]

I don't know, but my friend said he looks like he'd take off my skin and wear it!

Seriously. He could very possibly have a dungeon in his basement. The other dudes I just can't

I always come back to this thought, and it annoys me, but it's true. Too many men are so confident FOR NO REASON. There is no way in hell I'd be messaging women way out of my league looking like they're looking (and shirtless and ashy, c'mon!). I bet you they're broke too, and wanting the woman to pay half. You see women after a divorce getting their body right, a makeover, etc. before they jump back in the dating pool, while men think their crusty selves are a prize as is

 

[Jas123]

I always come back to this thought, and it annoys me, but it's true. Too many men are so confident FOR NO REASON.

FACT!

 

[Chicoro]

Yes, it can go away. And you're not pitiful at all! You're courageous.

This happened for me after I adjusted my attitude toward myself. We can't outperform our self-concept, and this extends to our romantic relationships. I started to behave as someone who was very good at self-care, setting boundaries, saying no, being patient, and receiving wonderful things without there being a catch. And my self-image changed accordingly. I started to conduct myself this way in every area of my life and my romantic dealings couldn't help but be elevated by it. To be clear, this was not easy. It was quite awkward to literally stop in the moment, consider a different choice other than the knee jerk one and then do something different. But we can behave our way to the confidence that's associated with attracting excellent partners.

Part of the subconscious fear or sense that something will go wrong is sometimes an internalized distrust. This is especially true if we feel like we "missed" the signs with the last man and therefore can't trust ourselves to choose well. However, if we spend sufficient time considering how our relationship began and how and why it ended, we can use the wisdom we take away as one of our many tools to navigate the new relationship (minus the nagging fear of something bad happening). I stopped worrying about all the ways new relationships could go wrong when I completely accepted responsibility for my feelings and choices and realized that I had survived some terrible situations and still moved along to find better. And more simply, worrying doesn't work. It just doesn't improve the situation or contribute to progress. In some cases, I turned worry into a more sophisticated vetting process which proved to be extremely helpful.

The transition from dysfunctional to normal is sometimes as simple as making a new choice and then practicing emotional discipline in a healthy situation until it feels as good and as second nature as the dysfunctional ones from the past. The nice thing about releasing the anxiety is that you get to be fully present and make good investments in the relationship thereby increasing the likelihood that you either a) get a good return or b) more efficiently get the information you need to know that something is not aligned.

Incredible information. This reads like an excerpt out of a Best Seller book. Beautifully and clearly written, heartfelt and practical. Thank you!

 

[Belle Du Jour]

mhmm off and on

This can possibly be fixed...but you have to be willing to walk away if it turns out that he isn't the one for you. Men respond to action, not words. I recommend that you start rotational dating immediately. He should not get your exclusive commitment without offering exclusivity in return. Men know that exclusivity=a ring. If you want a ring and he wants to continue dating you are not on the same page, at least not today. Start dating other men. (Note: dating does not equal sleeping which is why a lot of women object to RDing.)

Stop doing anything to move the relationship forward. Just stop. Rori Raye gives the image of two people in a boat. You're stranded in the middle of the Atlantic ocean but you can make out the shore (relationship bliss). But you won't get there without someone rowing the boat. What's happening? You've probably been rowing the boat in the relationship. Stop rowing and see what he does. Does he sit there? Does he allow y'all to just drift further into the ocean? Or does he man up and row the damn boat? Do this as a visualization. It's powerful.

That's my humble advice. I'm happy to direct you to resources if you're interested as well. Dating from feminine energy works but it's not easy. It triggers men. You will be triggered your damn self, LOL. But being triggered and overcoming those triggers is where the change begins. But you have to be 100% committed to yourself, even if that means losing the guy. You're actually not losing anything--you're opening up space for something even better. HTH

 

[hopeful]

This can possibly be fixed...but you have to be willing to walk away if it turns out that he isn't the one for you. Men respond to action, not words. I recommend that you start rotational dating immediately. He should not get your exclusive commitment without offering exclusivity in return. Men know that exclusivity=a ring. If you want a ring and he wants to continue dating you are not on the same page, at least not today. Start dating other men. (Note: dating does not equal sleeping which is why a lot of women object to RDing.)

Stop doing anything to move the relationship forward. Just stop. Rori Raye gives the image of two people in a boat. You're stranded in the middle of the Atlantic ocean but you can make out the shore (relationship bliss). But you won't get there without rowing the boat. What's happening? You've probably been rowing the boat in the relationship. Stop rowing and see what he does. Does he sit there? Does he allow y'all to just drift further into the ocean? Or does he man up and row the damn boat? Do this as a visualization. It's powerful.

That's my humble advice. I'm happy to direct you to resources if you're interested as well. Dating from feminine energy works but it's not easy. It triggers men. You will be triggered your damn self, LOL. But being triggered and overcoming those triggers is where the change beghins. AnBut d you have to be 100% committed to yourself, even if that means losing the guy. You're actually not losing anything--you're opening up space for something even better. HTH

I agree with you 1,000%. The best way to find out where you really stand with someone is to stop over functioning. And instead under function. And watch what happens. And yes it is hard if you have become accustomed to over functioning. It’s a bad habit and hard to break. BUT once you stop, it will set you free. Why should any woman be doing all of the rowing, compromising, waiting around, carrying the load for any man? I don’t think any man, any person for that matter, is that special. And you have to fall back for awhile. Once you have become accustomed to crumbs, you will be so happy if he rows for 5 minutes and will go right back to over functioning again. You have to fall back and really really observe for awhile to see if that person really loves you or not, wants to partner with you or not, is worth your precious time or not. And then have the courage to act on that information no matter what.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

I agree with you 1,000%. The best way to find out where you really stand with someone is to stop over functioning. And instead under function. And watch what happens. And yes it is hard if you have become accustomed to over functioning. It’s a bad habit and hard to break. BUT once you stop, it will set you free. Why should any woman be doing all of the rowing, compromising, waiting around, carrying the load for any man? I don’t think any man, any person for that matter, is that special. And you have to fall back for awhile. Once you have become accustomed to crumbs, you will be so happy if he rows for 5 minutes and will go right back to over functioning again. You have to fall back and really really observe for awhile to see if that person really loves you or not, wants to partner with you or not, is worth your precious time or not. And then have the courage to act on that information no matter what.

I love how you put this! And you know what? Leaning back and stopping the over functioning works equally well in platonic relationships too. I learned very quickly once I tapped into my feminine energy that a lot of my girl "friends" were really content to let me do all the work of planning and organizing etc. And they just had to show up. I put the kibosh on that! They'll just see me living a fabulous life without them in it Like Will Smith said "don't chase people." The people meant to be in your life will come. Water seeks it's own level, right?

 

[ClassyJSP]

This can possibly be fixed...but you have to be willing to walk away if it turns out that he isn't the one for you. Men respond to action, not words. I recommend that you start rotational dating immediately. He should not get your exclusive commitment without offering exclusivity in return. Men know that exclusivity=a ring. If you want a ring and he wants to continue dating you are not on the same page, at least not today. Start dating other men. (Note: dating does not equal sleeping which is why a lot of women object to RDing.)

Stop doing anything to move the relationship forward. Just stop. Rori Raye gives the image of two people in a boat. You're stranded in the middle of the Atlantic ocean but you can make out the shore (relationship bliss). But you won't get there without someone rowing the boat. What's happening? You've probably been rowing the boat in the relationship. Stop rowing and see what he does. Does he sit there? Does he allow y'all to just drift further into the ocean? Or does he man up and row the damn boat? Do this as a visualization. It's powerful.

That's my humble advice. I'm happy to direct you to resources if you're interested as well. Dating from feminine energy works but it's not easy. It triggers men. You will be triggered your damn self, LOL. But being triggered and overcoming those triggers is where the change begins. But you have to be 100% committed to yourself, even if that means losing the guy. You're actually not losing anything--you're opening up space for something even better. HTH

Thank you! I have Rori Raye's book but I haven't sat down and finished reading it. Can you PM me the bolded? or you can just post here the information may indirectly help others as well.

 

[Maracujá]

Will be turning 33 in a month. The thought that I'll be eligible to date men in their early 50s in 7 years is giving me hope. Do older men tend to be more serious? And open to something more peaceful and serene or am I imagining things?

 

[Brwnbeauti]

Will be turning 33 in a month. The thought that I'll be eligible to date men in their early 50s in 7 years is giving me hope. Do older men tend to be more serious? And open to something more peaceful and serene or am I imagining things?

Why wait 7 years?

 

[awhyley]

Why wait 7 years?

Ditto, and are men in their forties off-limits?

 

[Belle Du Jour]

Thank you! I have Rori Raye's book but I haven't sat down and finished reading it. Can you PM me the bolded? or you can just post here the information may indirectly help others as well.

Sorry for the delay! I posted this on the RR thread:

There are a LOT of coaches that RR trained. They basically teach the same info but present it IMO in a way that's more understandable.
Here are a few:
-Adrienne Everheart
-Leigha Lake
-Sami Wunder
-Helena Hart

If you go to her coaches page, you'll se a list of all the women she's trained. There's also Katarina Phang who is NOT a RR trained coach and her approach to feminine energy seems to be more based in Eastern philosophy but there are some things I like about her as well.

 

[movingforward13]

I love how you put this! And you know what? Leaning back and stopping the over functioning works equally well in platonic relationships too. I learned very quickly once I tapped into my feminine energy that a lot of my girl "friends" were really content to let me do all the work of planning and organizing etc. And they just had to show up. I put the kibosh on that! They'll just see me living a fabulous life without them in it Like Will Smith said "don't chase people." The people meant to be in your life will come. Water seeks it's own level, right?

Right- I need new friends

 

[ArrrBeee]

Will be turning 33 in a month. The thought that I'll be eligible to date men in their early 50s in 7 years is giving me hope. Do older men tend to be more serious? And open to something more peaceful and serene or am I imagining things?

I've met 40 year olds who are non committal and 50 year olds who want an award for being employed and Black. Why are you waiting 7 years?

 

[Southernbella.]

Yes, it can go away. And you're not pitiful at all! You're courageous.

This happened for me after I adjusted my attitude toward myself. We can't outperform our self-concept, and this extends to our romantic relationships. I started to behave as someone who was very good at self-care, setting boundaries, saying no, being patient, and receiving wonderful things without there being a catch. And my self-image changed accordingly. I started to conduct myself this way in every area of my life and my romantic dealings couldn't help but be elevated by it. To be clear, this was not easy. It was quite awkward to literally stop in the moment, consider a different choice other than the knee jerk one and then do something different. But we can behave our way to the confidence that's associated with attracting excellent partners.

Part of the subconscious fear or sense that something will go wrong is sometimes an internalized distrust. This is especially true if we feel like we "missed" the signs with the last man and therefore can't trust ourselves to choose well. However, if we spend sufficient time considering how our relationship began and how and why it ended, we can use the wisdom we take away as one of our many tools to navigate the new relationship (minus the nagging fear of something bad happening). I stopped worrying about all the ways new relationships could go wrong when I completely accepted responsibility for my feelings and choices and realized that I had survived some terrible situations and still moved along to find better. And more simply, worrying doesn't work. It just doesn't improve the situation or contribute to progress. In some cases, I turned worry into a more sophisticated vetting process which proved to be extremely helpful.

The transition from dysfunctional to normal is sometimes as simple as making a new choice and then practicing emotional discipline in a healthy situation until it feels as good and as second nature as the dysfunctional ones from the past. The nice thing about releasing the anxiety is that you get to be fully present and make good investments in the relationship thereby increasing the likelihood that you either a) get a good return or b) more efficiently get the information you need to know that something is not aligned.

I'm extra late but this is sooo on point. If individual posts could be stickied, this one has my vote.

It took me over a year to heal from my dysfunctional relationship and part of that healing was working on my self esteem. I believe some of this is spiritual, and when your inner spirit, the essence of who you are, is content and has high expectations for whoever and whatever is in your life, you will begin to attract those who can meet or exceed them. I got to a point where I was genuinely disgusted with guys who didn't come correct. I was stuck up for the first time in my life and it was awesome. I also noticed I began attracting suitors, rather than random guys looking to play around. Dh won out in the end but he wasn't the first good man who tried to court me.

And I'll also say this...if your inner self isn't there yet, act like a person with high self esteem/standards and it will eventually become a habit.

 

[SurferBabe]

Ok, I know this board is anti-shacking (for good reason), but can it ever work? In my case, I stand to benefit greatly from it financially. I'm in no rush to get married right now because I want to be debt-free first. This will help me achieve it very quickly since he wants no financial contribution from me.

What considerations should be made beforehand?

 

[hopeful]

Ok, I know this board is anti-shacking (for good reason), but can it ever work? In my case, I stand to benefit greatly from it financially. I'm in no rush to get married right now because I want to be debt-free first. This will help me achieve it very quickly since he wants no financial contribution from me.

What considerations should be made beforehand?

If you aren’t worried about getting married and you will benefit financially, why not? Just gotta be sure you are always benefiting. And remember you can always leave, back out, if it’s not what you hoped. You are never stuck. I hope everything works out for you and that you will be very happy.

ETA: Missed your question at the end. Be careful to not become dependent on him. Or feel obligated to do things you don’t want to do because he’s providing financially. Always look out for yourself. Living with someone can potentially give them too much access to you too. Go in without fairytale thinking.

 

[Evolving78]

Ok, I know this board is anti-shacking (for good reason), but can it ever work? In my case, I stand to benefit greatly from it financially. I'm in no rush to get married right now because I want to be debt-free first. This will help me achieve it very quickly since he wants no financial contribution from me.

What considerations should be made beforehand?

Don’t do it. you aren’t his wife, so don’t start acting like one. Don’t you think for one minute a man is gonna take care of you financially and there is no catch. Focus on increasing your financial energy, not through the energy of someone else, especially someone who isn’t legally committed to you.

 

[caribeandiva]

What considerations should be made beforehand?

What @hopeful and @Evolving78 say. Also remember that those who shack up are way more likely to split up after marriage. Most, if not all, scientific research points to this.

 

[SurferBabe]

Don’t do it. you aren’t his wife, so don’t start acting like one. Don’t you think for one minute a man is gonna take care of you financially and there is no catch. Focus on increasing your financial energy, not through the energy of someone else, especially someone who isn’t legally committed to you.

Thanks! This is another thing to consider. I certainly don't plan on jumping into this. I'll continue to vet and observe.

 

[Maracujá]

Why wait 7 years?

I've met 40 year olds who are non committal and 50 year olds who want an award for being employed and Black. Why are you waiting 7 years?

Now wouldn't be ideal I'm afraid. Currently weaning myself off of meds for my mental illness and revamping myself. Would really like to get all the toxins out of my body so I can be totally me again and have some fun and truly enjoy it.

Ditto, and are men in their forties off-limits?

Not really, but I don't seem to meet any. Plus, I still look like I'm in my twenties (might be the way I dress as well of course), so men in that age bracket don't really approach me. Interestingly enough though, I met a 38-year-old West-African man while I was in Paris last weekend, to attend the annual Natural Hair Academy there. My friend and I had to wait for 1 hour before being able to check in at our hotel and this guy was waiting there, checking out. So we ended up just conversing for one hour. It was one of the most interesting conversations I've ever had, mostly about work, family dynamics as we age and the motherland. Turned out he was married though, but I still liked that it was a good conversation. And who knows, it gave me hope that I can meet more guys like him or better.

 

[Brwnbeauti]

Now wouldn't be ideal I'm afraid. Currently weaning myself off of meds for my mental illness and revamping myself. Would really like to get all the toxins out of my body so I can be totally me again and have some fun and truly enjoy it.

Oh! I would not argue with that. You want to be your best self.

 

[Maracujá]

Oh! I would not argue with that. You want to be your best self.

That's the plan I'm like Will Smith now: don't want another failed relationship, there's so much at stake too.

 

[Zaynab]

Ok, I know this board is anti-shacking (for good reason), but can it ever work? In my case, I stand to benefit greatly from it financially. I'm in no rush to get married right now because I want to be debt-free first. This will help me achieve it very quickly since he wants no financial contribution from me.

What considerations should be made beforehand?

No.

 

[hopeful]

Don’t do it. you aren’t his wife, so don’t start acting like one. Don’t you think for one minute a man is gonna take care of you financially and there is no catch. Focus on increasing your financial energy, not through the energy of someone else, especially someone who isn’t legally committed to you.

I wanted to say this but didn’t quite know how to say it. It’s like what’s in the fine print? What’s in it for him to provide so much financially— really really. If you do it make sure you have a way out, a back up plan. @SurferBabe something is making you pause ... listen to you, trust you.

 

[Zaynab]

I wanted to say this but didn’t quite know how to say it. It’s like what’s in the fine print? What’s in it for him to provide so much financially— really really. If you do it make sure you have a way out, a back up plan. @SurferBabe something is making you pause ... listen to you, trust you.

I know and have seen men who will provide financially but for men there is too a marriage benefit for them to do so. Unmarried men who provide freely financially have more caveats than a husband.

I also think that this is again where women say they want one thing and then it changes and morphs into something else and you're 5 years in some situationship or relationship purgatory that you swore you wouldn't be in trying to figure out how you got here and how to convert said man to marriage. Women are never honest about this (but that's another thread) I just wouldn't chance it. And you can say now I'm going to save X amount of money and I am not pressed for marriage 'RIGHT NOW' and life happens, then ooops I love him. NOPE. I will always stand behind the marriage benefit on both sides and how that's financially advantageous in the end. Even if you marry for a year, it's still an advantage over shacking sorry.

 

[SurferBabe]

I wanted to say this but didn’t quite know how to say it. It’s like what’s in the fine print? What’s in it for him to provide so much financially— really really. If you do it make sure you have a way out, a back up plan. @SurferBabe something is making you pause ... listen to you, trust you.

Good question! I have a 5-figure debt that is crippling many of my future plans (I was very irresponsible financially growing up). His offer came because he wanted to help me get out of debt, especially since I've told him that most of my future plans are on hold until I get out of debt. He's very anti-debt so he understands. Plus there are 140 miles between us. One of us will have to move. I'm ready to leave my town so I'm willing to move.

I know and have seen men who will provide financially but for men there is too a marriage benefit for them to do so. Unmarried men who provide freely financially have more caveats than a husband.

I also think that this is again where women say they want one thing and then it changes and morphs into something else and you're 5 years in some situationship or relationship purgatory that you swore you wouldn't be in trying to figure out how you got here and how to convert said man to marriage. Women are never honest about this (but that's another thread) I just wouldn't chance it. And you can say now I'm going to save X amount of money and I am not pressed for marriage 'RIGHT NOW' and life happens, then ooops I love him. NOPE. I will always stand behind the marriage benefit on both sides and how that's financially advantageous in the end. Even if you marry for a year, it's still an advantage over shacking sorry.

Very true! I see this all of the time. I'm definitely not going into this blindly. In this case, he is way more desiring of marriage than I am. He brings it up, he's discussed it with his family (married almost 50 years), my parents, and me constantly. This is certainly not the case of me waiting around. I'm making him wait. I'm not ready to be a wife just yet. Some might not understand this, but I have some personal goals that are extremely important for me to fulfill before I take the vow to stick with another person through sickness and health. I'm not ready for that level of commitment yet. He understands this and wants to do whatever it takes to help me get closer to the point where I am ready.

But my mind isn't made up just yet because your points are valid. I guess I need to also consider a way for us to be closer that won't require me to move in. I have no desire to take up a new lease in his city because if things don't work out I'm stuck there. He has another property that he's offered to let me live in. I have a lot to think about. Thanks for everyone's input.

 

[momi]

View attachment 430473 View attachment 430475 Would it be terrible if I posted some of the men who've hit me up? I can cover their user names and their eyes. I don't like making fun of people, but I almost feel like you HAVE to see some of these dudes!

ETA:

Whew. Tales of the Ashy and Elderly. I'm so sorry... lol

 

[Zaynab]

So, I'm still on match, fielding approaches, but not connecting with anyone. Some of my friends think I'm harsh, but if a man says he's going to call me at a certain time, and I don't hear anything from him . . .I block him. I don't do it instantly , but if I wake up and realized he never called . . .blockdt!
I'm just dropping in to say that I notice a real difference between wm's approach and bm's.
I've been getting messages by a lot of men in neighboring states (FL, TN, AL). On my profile, I stated that I was not interested in a long-distance relationship. I then amended it to say unless they were willing to come visit every other week. Anywho, two white guys messaged me just the other day. Their stated incomes were between 100K-150K, which is grreeat! Neither are especially attractive, but I'm willing to overlook that (to an extent) depending on other factors. Anywho, they both called asap, instead of that endless texting. One is Italian, works for the government in banking. He asked me in the first conversation if I would be open to moving to FL (he lives in Clearwater). I told him I'd have to think hard on it because FL doesn't have reciprocity with other State Bars, and I'm not taking another bar exam. Well, I woke up this morning and texted him this: "I did some thinking, and I'm not willing to move if I have to work. You were right that it's best to be upfront. Best wishes to you. You seem like a nice man. " He hasn't responded, and that's fine. But seriously though . . .I'm not uprooting my life and having to work too if you are not cute AND make just over six figures . . .it wasn't worth it in that case. *shrug* I have another gentleman meeting me for breakfast on Monday (when I get back from a trip). He lives in TN.

I know I'm late to this but this exactly, if someone doesn't call, don't entertain it. This is what if mean by zero tolerance

And I definitely agree on moving and not having to work, I never even considered it when I remarried and moved and I was upfront about it.

 

[Zaynab]

This weekend I plan on reading through this whole thread, I just know there are some gems in here. Plus I feel like i'm dating for marriage and we talk about it but we're about to approach year number 4 so

Off and on for 4 years, is a "No, not you". Don't let anyone keep you in relationship purgatory