caribeandiva
Human being
I was raised like this too but i started listening to my friends instead. Lesson learned.
Dating For Marriage: Advice, Tips, Suggestions
- Thread starter Zaynab
- Start date
ArrrBeee
Well-Known Member
This dude saw my pictures on my friend’s phone and promptly fell in love. Duh!Now he’s tryna holla and I don’t want any part of it. He lives in Canada. That’s right: C-A-N-A-D-A! Shoot, I’m so focused on my dreams and goals right now that I’m not dating. Heck, I’m curving local men left and right. Never mind long distance wanna be baes.
Pass him my way. I'm all about getting Canadian citizenship and free healthcare.
caribeandiva
Human being
Maracujá
November 2020 --> 14 years natural!!!
What's really good with dudes who look but won't approach/start a convo/make a move?! I know the simple answer: they're just not that into you. But still...dang :/. I see striking random conversations with strangers is really a lost art
.
Also, I don't own a car, so I run all my errands by foot or with public transport, what is you seasoned ladies' take on this? Can this hinder or help my single situation?.
. Also, I don't own a car, so I run all my errands by foot or with public transport, what is you seasoned ladies' take on this? Can this hinder or help my single situation?
.
CarmelCupcake
Well-Known Member
What's really good with dudes who look but won't approach/start a convo/make a move?! I know the simple answer: they're just not that into you. But still...dang :/. I see striking random conversations with strangers is really a lost art
Also, I don't own a car, so I run all my errands by foot or with public transport, what is you seasoned ladies' take on this? Can this hinder or help my single situation?
To be honest, I notice the same thing. I think times may have changed. It doesn't seem like men approach women as much as they used to. It may have to do with the fact that men can now have their pick of women by swiping left or swiping right, without having to go through public rejection. This is my take on it, but who knows. Any other ladies want to comment
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Maracujá
November 2020 --> 14 years natural!!!
Forgot all about that, thank you for your input, much appreciated. Grew up seeing romantic relationships blossom in Luanda (Angola, Africa), so I still have my rose colored glasses about this. The reality is something completely different and it's very off putting. Nowadays men really see themselves as the prize, from what I've been able to observe
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Belle Du Jour
Well-Known Member
What's really good with dudes who look but won't approach/start a convo/make a move?! I know the simple answer: they're just not that into you. But still...dang :/. I see striking random conversations with strangers is really a lost art
Also, I don't own a car, so I run all my errands by foot or with public transport, what is you seasoned ladies' take on this? Can this hinder or help my single situation?
I actually don't think it's as simple as "he's just not that into you." I think it's a fact that men don't make a move on women they actually are interested in for various reasons. But we don't care about that. The "why" he didn't approach is not my concern.
The alpha masculine man who goes after what he wants is not as common as more passive type of man. Alphas are out there but you just have to sort sort sort to find them. The betas, deltas, etc filter themselves out because they aren't willing to go the distance.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
Forgot all about that, thank you for your input, much appreciated. Grew up seeing romantic relationships blossom in Luanda (Angola, Africa), so I still have my rose colored glasses about this. The reality is something completely different and it's very off putting. Nowadays men really see themselves as the prize, from what I've been able to observe
We’ve discussed this around here in the past and a lot of women said that often when men look but don’t approach it’s because they are taken. Then if the lady approaches them instead, thinking he is shy or she doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, he can say she approached him. Of course he doesn’t disclose his taken status until he has wasted some of her time.
tocktick
Well-Known Member
This. I'd rather a taken man does not actually approach me — just keep looking w/e, but respectfully leaving me alone is the best outcome. And if he's not taken then: 1) I likely won't be finding that out anyway and 2) somebody that isn't approaching isn't worth building a narrative around to work out their actions.
I usually lurk in this thread but just wanted to say I don't want no inconsiderate, unappreciative, manipulative, insecure, poor communicating man who is harboring emotional trauma from his past. He can go away, fix all that and then come back. And if he's bad at sex then he can stay gone.^^^All of which can be worked on if the man sticks around long enough.
caribeandiva
Human being
The horror!!!I usually lurk in this thread but just wanted to say I don't want no inconsiderate, unappreciative, manipulative, insecure, poor communicating man who is harboring emotional trauma from his past. He can go away, fix all that and then come back. And if he's bad at sex then he can stay gone.
Maracujá
November 2020 --> 14 years natural!!!
I usually lurk in this thread but just wanted to say I don't want no inconsiderate, unappreciative, manipulative, insecure, poor communicating man who is harboring emotional trauma from his past. He can go away, fix all that and then come back. And if he's bad at sex then he can stay gone.
This is a predominantly women's board, so I can understand looking at it from a woman's perspective. But I was looking at it from a man's perspective. We tend to think that ALL men are evil and women are innocent victims, but I've seen good men get their hearts broken too by women who were no good, in my immediate circle to be specific. So it goes both ways imo.
Also, just like in life in general, you will not find a perfect mate. There is always an area in our life, in which we are blind sighted and could tend to do better. That's just how life works: my older sister has always had a clear vision of what she wanted for her love life, but she struggles on professional terms. I have always had a clear vision for my professional life, but my love life is a joke. There will always be an area in which your SO/DH will struggle and it just might happen to be that he is inconsiderate or insecure, for whatever reason. I'm coming to the point where I'd rather work on it, instead of always having to explain to folks why it didn't work out - YET AGAIN - with so and so. To each their own of course.
CarmelCupcake
Well-Known Member
I'd rather stay single than to be with a man with these qualities, especially someone who is inconsiderate and lacks empathy.Why try to work with a brother with qualities like that when I could find another man who is considerate and is empathathetic.
There was a tech convention in a large city recently and I wondered how many single women of color thought to go and mingle.
I noticed single women at a local meetup. There were at least 25 women to 1 single male. I would have exited stage left quick and in a hurry.
Also, I know no one is going to follow up on this but single men hang out at healthy dining restaurants during lunch and dinner. We see them all the time, trying not to starve when we're shopping.
I made polite conversation yesterday in the elevator with a single bro, and he said he orders there several times a week. Lol! He was so proud of himself for choosing a healthy alternative to fast food.
I don't mean to take this lightly (because I remember wondering if I would ever meet my dh)...but I was also willing to think outside the box and go solo when we met.
I noticed single women at a local meetup. There were at least 25 women to 1 single male. I would have exited stage left quick and in a hurry.
Also, I know no one is going to follow up on this but single men hang out at healthy dining restaurants during lunch and dinner. We see them all the time, trying not to starve when we're shopping.
I made polite conversation yesterday in the elevator with a single bro, and he said he orders there several times a week. Lol! He was so proud of himself for choosing a healthy alternative to fast food.
I don't mean to take this lightly (because I remember wondering if I would ever meet my dh)...but I was also willing to think outside the box and go solo when we met.
One other thought from my married perspective...body language matters.
Years ago we were attending a social event with a single friend and a few others. As we went to our seat I greeted everyone that made eye contact and looked friendly, stopped to chat about things in common, whatever. My dh was with me, we all laughed, had a great time, made a few new possible acquaintances and took our seats for the event.
My single friend went right to her seat...from the beginning. I noticed she kept her purse up on her shoulder (kinda like a shield), so tense that I actually asked her what was wrong. Nothing she said.
She smiled and spoke to anyone that approached her...but never had the body language that invited conversation and didn't seem to realize it. I felt sorry for her, but I never try to change people. I specifically invited her and two others hoping that a connection would happen.
We had a great time at the event. She didn't...and doesn't know why.
Years passed, she's still single and doesn't know why. She also refuses suggestions. So...
Years ago we were attending a social event with a single friend and a few others. As we went to our seat I greeted everyone that made eye contact and looked friendly, stopped to chat about things in common, whatever. My dh was with me, we all laughed, had a great time, made a few new possible acquaintances and took our seats for the event.
My single friend went right to her seat...from the beginning. I noticed she kept her purse up on her shoulder (kinda like a shield), so tense that I actually asked her what was wrong. Nothing she said.
She smiled and spoke to anyone that approached her...but never had the body language that invited conversation and didn't seem to realize it. I felt sorry for her, but I never try to change people. I specifically invited her and two others hoping that a connection would happen.
We had a great time at the event. She didn't...and doesn't know why.
Years passed, she's still single and doesn't know why. She also refuses suggestions. So...
caribeandiva
Human being
Excellent points! I agree with you wholeheartedly! I’m a lot like you and your husband when I go out. Very open and very engaging with others. As for your friend all I gotta say is: you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.
Royalq
Well-Known Member
This is very deep for me. I have self esteem issues and I simply don't feel like I'm good enough. I'm constantly working on myself,losing weight, doing my hair, buying clothes and shoes, trying to position myself in a way that men will notice me. It hasn't gotten me anywhere and I feel even more worthless. I'm scared that if I don't chase and try to get a man I'll end up unmarried. I have a hard time loving myself and feeling that I am good enough just the way I am. How do I even get there?
I need to work on this, I'll make eye contact with a cute guy and then look away because I feel awkward and get shy. So they probably think I'm not interested or taken. I want to be able to speak but then I'm like omg what if he has a gf/wife, what if he's gay, what if he didn't mean to make eye contact etc. Oh the anxiety
Maracujá
November 2020 --> 14 years natural!!!
Start dreaming again. Often times we focus so much on the prize that we forget the steps that lead up to it. I remember attending college and being so focused on graduating on time, that I forgot all about my friends. What did God do as a result: it took me over a decade to graduate. What happened during that time? I made more friends, with who I connect on a deep level and who have made me a part of their lives.
There are plenty of women who want a ring by a certain age and get it. But then when the big day is about to arrive...they realize they never built solid relationships and have to scrape by to have people attend their wedding and fabricate friendships with certain women just to have bridesmaids.
They thought about the ring, but never figured out how they were actually going to spend their day to day life with their spouse. The result? Falling asleep in front of the TV set every evening becomes a ritual. They never figured how they wanted their children to be educated, what tasting buds they wanted to develop in their children, how they wanted to spend their vacations,...etc. Hope you see where I'm going with this. Because that's what the single time is for. Journal about these things, listen to music that uplifts women, break down debilitating thoughts through much prayer and meditation, figure out your style,...etc.
What @lana said upthread is absolutely true: once you get married, you need to be a good representation of your husband, not sulking in misery by the sidelines. Low self esteem is often the result of things that were said to us while we were younger, so get to the root of that and speak to a life coach/therapist if need be. Also, strive hard to be an asset and not a liability. We have such a limited view of life, as two pastors mentioned: be that woman who met her husband while going to sign papers to buy a home or start your own business.
Nowadays I often think to myself: don't be that woman that doesn't know what it feels like to come home and not have to tend to anyone. Don't be that woman that doesn't know what a 15 minutes shower feels like. Don't be that woman that doesn't know what it feels like to be home and order in all throughout the week, simply because you don't feel like cooking. That to me is all part of womanhood. Women who skip this step often resent their spouse and children in the long run. Enjoy your singleness is all I'm saying.
Maracujá
November 2020 --> 14 years natural!!!
It's really true. The way I see it is: we often focus on one relationship, the one with a man and neglect every other relationship in the world, to our own detriment really.
A lady I used to work with is dealing with this right now: when I first met her, she was not on speaking terms with her sister. On top of that, she barely has any girlfriends and now I've come to understand why. I've been living in my place for nearly a decade, she always promises that she's gonna come visit me, but get this: in the span of 10 years, she hasn't had time to visit me ONCE :/. The result is that she has to stretch herself thin to take care of her DH, her children and her household.
Another lady, who is one of my besties, that I've known for nearly 20 years, is nothing like that at all. She always makes time to invest in her friendships and guess what? She is rewarded in spades. She recently felt sick and I made sure to make time to go visit her in the hospital AND at home. In fact, when I went to visit her at home (on a Thursday), it became like some kind of a party, because other friends and family members were there too. You get what you give in life
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Jas123
The Star of a Story
I luv thisYou get what you give in life
caribeandiva
Human being
Well said!! You deserve a standing ovation!
caribeandiva
Human being
In every way!You get what you give in life
Saludable84
Better Late Than Ugly
You have to work on your esteem and most of all, your confidence. It doesnt matter what you look like, but your energy and what you project from within yourself are what people notice.
I recently had to work on myself a bit (not esteem issues) but it was another thread in off topic where the OP posted a meme from Twitter about why Black people have anxiety issues and that it can stem from our parents (and other adults) keeping us busy on weekends so we weren't doing "nothing". Its a funny thread, but I realized that as a child and teen and young adult, I was very laid back. My mother made me seem like I was lazy, didn't care, needed a job, needed something to do, and that I had no motivation to get me anywhere. This made me fear even sitting still, so if I wasn't doing something, I thought I appeared lazy. This last month maybe, I have been undoing a lot of that and its working for me. I say all of that to say, you have to self-reflect and figure out what the reason is you feel this way and work on it. It might not be an easy process, but if it helps you and will make you better (long-term) go for it.
Ive let a lot of that anxiety go and went back to my laid back self. Idk why I ever picked up such a bad habit, but hindsight is always 20/20.
@Royalq -- I can't really give you good advice on this, but if doing too much makes you feel worthless, consider doing less. I remember deciding that I wasn't going to wear make-up or make an effort when running errands. After awhile I started to feel just as beautiful with my bare face as with my made-up face. In general, I notice that I feel more confident when I try less and when I practice non-attachment. My outlook changed a lot for the better after I started incorporating Stoicism into my life.
Another thing that I've done in the past is to make a list of all of the qualities that I admire in others, and then make another list of how I embody these qualities. This also helps me feel content. Sometimes we forget that the things we like in others are often things we like about ourselves. When you feel less than, it is often good to try to see yourself through impartial eyes. I think this list helps with that.
I also use mantras and positive self-talk. For example, I had a slow period with work, so I started to tell myself in my free moments, "I am wealthy and I am getting wealthier all the time." This is corny, but it absolutely calmed me down and gave me the space to appreciate what I had without anxiety. It also calmed me down enough so that I could formulate a plan to get more work. Of course, soon thereafter I became extremely busy. I have applied mantras to all aspects of my life, from my appearance to my relationships and I find that they almost always help.
Celebration helps me too. This ties in to my second paragraph. I think a lot of us are guilty of taking our achievements for granted. I think celebrating the good things that happen in life, esp. when you celebrate with loved ones ,can bring a great deal of contentment. You get to acknowledge in front of God and everyone the ways in which you are great and then you have the people you care about there to validate it. It can be a very, very good feeling that can carry you for awhile and help you shift your perception of yourself. Also, celebrations don't have to be limited to huge things. You can celebrate anything (you probably won't have a party for the smaller things though lol).
Being confrontational can also help in limited doses. Every once in awhile people try to speak BS into your life. They say things like, "You are [insert age] you will never get the [insert desire] you want, just accept/pick/choose something." Tell those people RETURN TO SENDER, period. Don't let that type of stuff stand unchallenged, and don't worry about being nice either. Whenever a person speaks something inaccurate or negative into your life (even if that person is you) challenge it. Don't let it stand. Pretty soon people will not feel so comfortable saying such things to you. As time goes on you can practice challenge and replace. Meaning a person says something inaccurate or negative to you, you challenge the statement and then replace it with something positive about you.
These things may or may not work for you. Others have probably already mentioned that speaking to a counselor might be helpful. There are many counselors these days who are able to advise you over the phone. Sometimes phone counseling is easier than in-person counseling. Having the phone as a barrier can help you be more candid about your feelings. I think it can be extremely hard to tell another person that you struggle with self-esteem and confidence, esp. if you look like the world should be your oyster. Also phone counseling can often be more affordable, in case you decide to go to multiple sessions.
Another thing that I've done in the past is to make a list of all of the qualities that I admire in others, and then make another list of how I embody these qualities. This also helps me feel content. Sometimes we forget that the things we like in others are often things we like about ourselves. When you feel less than, it is often good to try to see yourself through impartial eyes. I think this list helps with that.
I also use mantras and positive self-talk. For example, I had a slow period with work, so I started to tell myself in my free moments, "I am wealthy and I am getting wealthier all the time." This is corny, but it absolutely calmed me down and gave me the space to appreciate what I had without anxiety. It also calmed me down enough so that I could formulate a plan to get more work. Of course, soon thereafter I became extremely busy. I have applied mantras to all aspects of my life, from my appearance to my relationships and I find that they almost always help.
Celebration helps me too. This ties in to my second paragraph. I think a lot of us are guilty of taking our achievements for granted. I think celebrating the good things that happen in life, esp. when you celebrate with loved ones ,can bring a great deal of contentment. You get to acknowledge in front of God and everyone the ways in which you are great and then you have the people you care about there to validate it. It can be a very, very good feeling that can carry you for awhile and help you shift your perception of yourself. Also, celebrations don't have to be limited to huge things. You can celebrate anything (you probably won't have a party for the smaller things though lol).
Being confrontational can also help in limited doses. Every once in awhile people try to speak BS into your life. They say things like, "You are [insert age] you will never get the [insert desire] you want, just accept/pick/choose something." Tell those people RETURN TO SENDER, period. Don't let that type of stuff stand unchallenged, and don't worry about being nice either. Whenever a person speaks something inaccurate or negative into your life (even if that person is you) challenge it. Don't let it stand. Pretty soon people will not feel so comfortable saying such things to you. As time goes on you can practice challenge and replace. Meaning a person says something inaccurate or negative to you, you challenge the statement and then replace it with something positive about you.
These things may or may not work for you. Others have probably already mentioned that speaking to a counselor might be helpful. There are many counselors these days who are able to advise you over the phone. Sometimes phone counseling is easier than in-person counseling. Having the phone as a barrier can help you be more candid about your feelings. I think it can be extremely hard to tell another person that you struggle with self-esteem and confidence, esp. if you look like the world should be your oyster. Also phone counseling can often be more affordable, in case you decide to go to multiple sessions.
Papoose
The Phoenix
Care to elaborate on the bolded? After nearly 13 years of being single, I'm finally coming into this, but I keep running into folks who want to rain on my parade
I apologize for dipping out. Things got really crazy personally and professionally. Enjoying being single has a lot to do with focusing on putting yourself first, not being overly pressed with societal expectations & not wasting any more time being down about being single. It's also about dating people that are marriage minded without putting all of your eggs on one basket. Date different men, focus on having new experiences & keep yourself emotionally open to the possibility of meeting your intended. It works!
IslandMummy
Well-Known Member
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