Dating For Marriage: Advice, Tips, Suggestions

[intellectualuva]

So, I've joined match.com again. I decided to put myself out there again since I haven't met enough men in my day-to-day from which to screen.

Anywho, I joined last week, and so many men have messaged me. I've spoken to five on the phone, and have a date with one tomorrow. I just got back into town today (I travel for work) and he wanted to push it up to today, but I told him I needed to decompress, but if he wanted to cancel, that was fine. He was like, "No, no . . .I'm just anxious to meet you!" Get this y'all . . .he's a 27 y/o wb(?!). WHAT am I doing?! (I'm 42).

A 29 y/o Black Man messaged me (before the wb), and I immediately shut him down due to his age, but he sent me the loveliest follow-up message about being stable in every way and emotionally available . . .aiight. I'm just trying to get my dating skills up, since I've never practiced rotational dating. I'm just going to stay open and have fun with it.

I specifically said that I was looking for marriage-minded men.

You're beautiful and look about their age to me. I had no idea you were in your 40s.

 

[Silkycoils]

You're beautiful and look about their age to me. I had no idea you were in your 40s.

Thanks Sis. This is an old picture (I was 38 at the time). I'd like to think I'm holding up nicely. The thing is, I have sons who are 23 and 21 years old, respectively. That kind of grosses me out.

 

[intellectualuva]

Thanks Sis. This is an old picture (I was 38 at the time). I'd like to think I'm holding up nicely. The thing is, I have sons who are 23 and 21 years old, respectively. That kind of grosses me out.

Oh I get it. My best friend's younger brother is about 8 years younger. She and I used joke (when we were in our late 20s) all the time about that being an official cutoff. It feels weird......but thats changing.....some of these youngins are fine.

 

[caribeandiva]

When it comes to younger men.. I plead the fifth!!

 

[Zaynab]

How do you answer the so you don’t have sex until you’re married? You’re gonna out yourself in a box like that? Like unless you know it’s about to be a ring in your finger you’re not gonna smash?

How to seduce by slowly evolving. I know my problem in the past is that it got too serious too fast. We probably go from talking to dating to coloring in a month. I don’t think I did a good job of building enticipation.

I read this: But give him a glimmer of hope that’s one step higher than the last time the both of you went out. Don’t get it? If you’ve clasped his hand on the first date, allow him to hold your palm on the second. If you’ve exchanged a little peck on the lips on the third date, share a bit more on the next date. It doesn’t matter if you’ve started with just a smile, every now and then, share just a bit more even if you’ve not been on a date with him just yet. It’ll let him know that the relationship is evolving slowly, and it’ll help him realize that you’re starting to like him a lot too.

When I begin dating, I plan to try to incorporate the art of seduction techniques as well as your tips to set myself apart and make him know/think I am a catch. Tips?

I have no tips on sex and when and how to navigate that. I know the general consensus is to wait for x time or whatever but I've never tried that I have finally decided and closed the book on this: it just doesn't matter when you have sex with a man if you don't wait until marriage. Men will still wife you.

 

[caribeandiva]

I have no tips on sex and when and how to navigate that. I know the general consensus is to wait for x time or whatever but I've never tried that I have finally decided and closed the book on this: it just doesn't matter when you have sex with a man if you don't wait until marriage. Men will still wife you.

And men will still leave you even if you wait to sleep with them until after marriage.

 

[Silkycoils]

My issue with sex outside of marriage is that I feel really vulnerable after sex . . .especially because I've been celibate for (x amount) of years.

 

[Zaynab]

My issue with sex outside of marriage is that I feel really vulnerable after sex . . .especially because I've been celibate for (x amount) of years.

I get that. And I know people say being celibate helps you focus on everything else in a relationship and not just sex but I just don't see the point in celibacy. I get the are spiritual reasons for some but life is short. I don't have anything deep to say here so just ignore me.

ETA: I still think dating multiple men (not sex) is the best way to control the mental component of being too into a man too soon. You'll have other options so you won't be so pressed.

 

[Silkycoils]

I get that. And I know people say being celibate helps you focus on everything else in a relationship and not just sex but I just don't see the point in celibacy. I get the are spiritual reasons for some but life is short. I don't have anything deep to say here so just ignore me.

ETA: I still think dating multiple men (not sex) is the best way to control the mental component of being too into a man too soon. You'll have other options so you won't be so pressed.

I agree with this. My reason for being celibate was because I was making the wrong choices, based on underlying beliefs that I had about myself. Now, the longer you go without, the harder it is to do it without commitment. I've dug myself into a hole (no pun intended ). *sigh*

 

[Zaynab]

I agree with this. My reason for being celibate was because I was making the wrong choices, based on underlying beliefs that I had about myself. Now, the longer you go without, the harder it is to do it without commitment. I've dug myself into a hole (no pun intended ). *sigh*

 

[PrissiSippi]

I get that. And I know people say being celibate helps you focus on everything else in a relationship and not just sex but I just don't see the point in celibacy. I get the are spiritual reasons for some but life is short. I don't have anything deep to say here so just ignore me.

ETA: I still think dating multiple men (not sex) is the best way to control the mental component of being too into a man too soon. You'll have other options so you won't be so pressed.

Circle dating or dating multiple men is truly a game changer. How do you get around if they ask do you date multiple people?

 

[Zaynab]

Circle dating or dating multiple men is truly a game changer. How do you get around if they ask do you date multiple people?

Most men won't ask and you definitely shouldn't offer up the information. If they ask if you're dating other guys you say YES. Do not offer an explanation, don't feel the need to explain, don't say anything else, in fact ask a question right after you answer. You're not here to make men you are dating feel comfortable. Why? They aren't committed to you. If they want to feel comfortable, they'll commit. Men will compete for what they want but the culture of dating has changed and here men are making women compete for them; openly dating other women, side chicks, and everyone accepts it. I definitely suggest women need to take their control back in this dating game, don't accept anything less at all, ever.

Dating multiples, It's really what men do until they 'decide' on a person so it's just something women haven't mastered. You literally just date in rotation 3-4 men at a time until you either decide to move them up in ranks or dismiss one and add another. I find that this the biggest hurdle for women dating. They focus on one dude and decide he's the one when the guy is just making you an option.

 

[Zaynab]

@PrissiSippi Also, you build anticipation by giving them the sexual aspects in doses once you do give it out. That's the thing most women don't do, don't give all your tricks away right up front. I had sex with my first husband in like two dates and my second husband in three dates. they are completely different people and there's an almost 20 year age gap in my dating life, so men are still the same is my motto. My current hubs is quiet, a bit nerdy and very traditional but he was still with getting the cookies as soon as he could as most men are. He even told me that he hated how women he's dated in the past were kind of like basing when to have sex game on how they viewed him or wanted to be viewed, men find that extremely manipulative. Every man I've ever dated is like who cares? WE know this to be true because we see Kim K's of the world getting wifed and booed up. If it's right, just roll with it. Withholding sex for a certain time IME isn't a game changer, everything else is though. How you treat a man, how you lure them in, etc. Sex should be used but not in a manipulative manner.

 

[hopeful]

How do you answer the so you don’t have sex until you’re married? You’re gonna out yourself in a box like that? Like unless you know it’s about to be a ring in your finger you’re not gonna smash?

How to seduce by slowly evolving. I know my problem in the past is that it got too serious too fast. We probably go from talking to dating to coloring in a month. I don’t think I did a good job of building enticipation.

I read this: But give him a glimmer of hope that’s one step higher than the last time the both of you went out. Don’t get it? If you’ve clasped his hand on the first date, allow him to hold your palm on the second. If you’ve exchanged a little peck on the lips on the third date, share a bit more on the next date. It doesn’t matter if you’ve started with just a smile, every now and then, share just a bit more even if you’ve not been on a date with him just yet. It’ll let him know that the relationship is evolving slowly, and it’ll help him realize that you’re starting to like him a lot too.

When I begin dating, I plan to try to incorporate the art of seduction techniques as well as your tips to set myself apart and make him know/think I am a catch. Tips?

I like how you described being seductive.

I think that when you start dating again the most important thing is to stay attuned to you: how you are feeling, what you want, how much this person is meeting your short term needs and could possibly meet your long term needs. It’s all about you. Take your time getting to know the other person. Since you already know your past relationships moved too quickly, then why not try something different? Sex is important but so is everything else. Friendship matters, compatibility, kindness, common values, etc. Don’t get too caught up in being seductive. I mean you can be seductive but most of all be you, be authentic.

Have sex when you want to. When you feel safe enough, have asked all of the questions you want to ask and feel satisfied. Be it 2 dates, 20 dates, 2 years, or your wedding night. Do what you want to do. Your body, your choice. And know yourself. I personally could not have sex within the first few dates, but some women can. I know that I would be a hot mess if I did.

Just be you, move at a pace that you are comfortable with. Don’t let anyone rush you into anything: sex, exclusivity, or anything. You decide. The world is filled with so many men. You will have many options and thus should act as so. Whatever you do don’t be a people pleaser. Be a Priss-Pleaser. The only person you are with your entire life is you.

It will likely take many dates to find the right guy for you. When you are ready have fun, be hopeful, be cautious, be safe, and think abundance—the one thing the world is filled with is men. No need to ever be hasty or desperate. If you see something you don’t like keep it moving. Onto the next.

Also, I wouldn’t tell anyone right off the bat that I don’t want to have sex till marriage. Because it’s not their business. It’s almost like a game, a challenge then. And again, the relationship evolves around sex and your body and his body, versus two human beings getting to know each other. And you might change your mind. I honestly think sexual talk should come later, after you have vetted him more. Before you decide you even want to have sex with him, you have to decide if you even want to go on a second date with him, or a third, if you’d want him near your child, etc.

 

[qchelle]

Circle dating or dating multiple men is truly a game changer. How do you get around if they ask do you date multiple people?

A few months before I met my FH, I was dating 3-4 people at once. And meeting guys, throwing them back, etc. A few did ask if I was dating other people. Imo, this is a dumb question. Like duh I always answered "yes". Sometimes I'd shoot the question back at them, sometimes not. I didn't care if they were or not, just trying to continue their line of conversation lol. A couple guys asked "when's the last date you were on?" One of my answers was "a few minutes ago" which was true lol.

Fast forward a few months when I met FH. I still had some of those guys^^ in rotation, some new. FH asked me "so how many people are you seeing right now?" Which was refreshing! He didn't ask "are you", he asked "how many". That made me feel like he wasn't all the way delusional I said 3. He was annoyed and said something like wow, I just thought it would be closer to my number (which he said was 1) That didn't deter him at all. The opposite imo.

We had sex very early on. I didn't/don't base my decision to have sex with him on time/appropriateness. But on my comfort, horniness, and his clean STD test. If he'd decided that I was an was an easy ho who ain't worth spit, that woulda been fine, too. Cuz there's other guys out here

 

[Zaynab]

A few months before I met my FH, I was dating 3-4 people at once. And meeting guys, throwing them back, etc. A few did ask if I was dating other people. Imo, this is a dumb question. Like duh I always answered "yes". Sometimes I'd shoot the question back at them, sometimes not. I didn't care if they were or not, just trying to continue their line of conversation lol. A couple guys asked "when's the last date you were on?" One of my answers was "a few minutes ago" which was true lol.

Fast forward a few months when I met FH. I still had some of those guys^^ in rotation, some new. FH asked me "so how many people are you seeing right now?" Which was refreshing! He didn't ask "are you", he asked "how many". That made me feel like he wasn't all the way delusional I said 3. He was annoyed and said something like wow, I just thought it would be closer to my number (which he said was 1) That didn't deter him at all. The opposite imo.

We had sex very early on. I didn't/don't base my decision to have sex with him on time/appropriateness. But on my comfort, horniness, and his clean STD test. If he'd decided that I was an was an easy ho who ain't worth spit, that woulda been fine, too. Cuz there's other guys out here

You crack me up

 

[LoveisYou]

I think circle dating should be the norm, ppl still act shocked when I mention it. Like girl please, you think he's only getting to know you?

 

[Shiks]

@PrissiSippi Also, you build anticipation by giving them the sexual aspects in doses once you do give it out. That's the thing most women don't do, don't give all your tricks away right up front. I had sex with my first husband in like two dates and my second husband in three dates. they are completely different people and there's an almost 20 year age gap in my dating life, so men are still the same is my motto. My current hubs is quiet, a bit nerdy and very traditional but he was still with getting the cookies as soon as he could as most men are. He even told me that he hated how women he's dated in the past were kind of like basing when to have sex game on how they viewed him or wanted to be viewed, men find that extremely manipulative. Every man I've ever dated is like who cares? WE know this to be true because we see Kim K's of the world getting wifed and booed up. If it's right, just roll with it. Withholding sex for a certain time IME isn't a game changer, everything else is though. How you treat a man, how you lure them in, etc. Sex should be used but not in a manipulative manner.

I like this advice. Women should always do what feels good to them.

 

[PrissiSippi]

I think circle dating should be the norm, ppl still act shocked when I mention it. Like girl please, you think he's only getting to know you?

I see now. Even with DH I think he was one of my first dates and I was like oh he’s nice and smart....good enough. Wrong. It’s like I’m subconsciousky comparing all of them now. If they don’t measure up in some way it’s on to the next. I noticed this one guy. He has some pretty great traits but he’s whiny compared to others. If I would have never noticed this I would keep talking to him because he’s good Enough. I would also probably call too much because of boredom or wanting to talk about something. Not now. I booted him with a quickness and if I’m bored I just call or flirt with Nunber 2 or 3. It all makes sense.

 

[mrselle]

I see now. Even with DH I think he was one of my first dates and I was like oh he’s nice and smart....good enough. Wrong. It’s like I’m subconsciousky comparing all of them now. If they don’t measure up in some way it’s on to the next. I noticed this one guy. He has some pretty great traits but he’s whiny compared to others. If I would have never noticed this I would keep talking to him because he’s good Enough. I would also probably call too much because of boredom or wanting to talk about something. Not now. I booted him with a quickness and if I’m bored I just call or flirt with Nunber 2 or 3. It all makes sense.

You don't do the calling. Let them call you. Some of the best dating advice I ever received was from my 7th grade Language Arts teacher and she wasn't even talking to me, she was talking to some girls on the other side of the room. She said it a guy wants to hear from he'll call.

 

[hopeful]

...
if I’m bored I just call or flirt with Nunber 2 or 3. It all makes sense.

Love how your mind is working differently Priss. But re the above, IMO, if you are bored you should find something interesting to do alone, with your son, or with friends. Or just be bored. We have to train ourselves to not let boredom lead to calling a random guy to solve that. It’s still a rabbit hole that can make us seem desperate or feel like a guy can solve our problems.

 

[hopeful]

I see now. Even with DH I think he was one of my first dates and I was like oh he’s nice and smart....good enough. Wrong. It’s like I’m subconsciousky comparing all of them now. If they don’t measure up in some way it’s on to the next. I noticed this one guy. He has some pretty great traits but he’s whiny compared to others. If I would have never noticed this I would keep talking to him because he’s good Enough. I would also probably call too much because of boredom or wanting to talk about something. Not now. I booted him with a quickness and if I’m bored I just call or flirt with Nunber 2 or 3. It all makes sense.

Priss isn’t it funny how we see things differently now? When we are younger and less mature our list for what we need is superficial. Whether the list is long or short, for many of us the list is shallow. Often it’s things like nice, tall, handsome, good job, sexy, etc. And we settle on a shallow guy, what feels like and appears to be prince charming, our knight in shining armor. But we don’t get a real man who will be there day and night, cutting grass without being asked, telling the truth, solving problems, being protective of himself and his family, etc. As we mature so do our wants and needs. And so will the next guy we allow into our lives. The next guy will be very different than your husband was.

 

[PrissiSippi]

You don't do the calling. Let them call you. Some of the best dating advice I ever received was from my 7th grade Language Arts teacher and she wasn't even talking to me, she was talking to some girls on the other side of the room. She said it a guy wants to hear from he'll call.

I don’t for the most part. Many times I go walking or go to a walking class or go out for ice cream or take DS to the park. But I do see myself wanting some attention for a minute and I get it in the phone or a mini date. I do agree men need to do the calling. It’s such a chase for them.

Love how your mind is working differently Priss. But re the above, IMO, if you are bored you should find something interesting to do alone, with your son, or with friends. Or just be bored. We have to train ourselves to not let boredom lead to calling a random guy to solve that. It’s still a rabbit hole that can make us seem desperate or feel like a guy can solve our problems.

This is very true. I need to think on this and change some things.

 

[Zaynab]

I see now. Even with DH I think he was one of my first dates and I was like oh he’s nice and smart....good enough. Wrong. It’s like I’m subconsciousky comparing all of them now. If they don’t measure up in some way it’s on to the next. I noticed this one guy. He has some pretty great traits but he’s whiny compared to others. If I would have never noticed this I would keep talking to him because he’s good Enough. I would also probably call too much because of boredom or wanting to talk about something. Not now. I booted him with a quickness and if I’m bored I just call or flirt with Nunber 2 or 3. It all makes sense.

I also think once you've had alot of what you don't like, it's easier to see what you do want. I mean, dating is like...trying new restaurants or new dishes, you keep trying new ones and as your taste pallet grows and you experience different and new tastes, you won't want to eat anything basic anymore. Same thing.

 

[kupenda]

Met a guy. We’re exclusive. Still no bedroom shenanigans past kissing and heavy petting. Waiting on that STD/HIV panel (both of us. I haven’t even made the appointment yet lawd) before anything pops off. He has offered me a drawer in his home and keeps all my favorite snacks around the house. I found starburst tucked in the pockets of my jacket and Lindt truffles in my shoes. He’s hilarious

 

[Browndilocks]

Going back to this question, since the majority of the men I meet and date are divorced single fathers

-Any childless ladies who dated/married men with children willing to share their experiences?
-Red flags
-Would you honestly do it over?

If he is a good father then obviously his children are his #1 priority. That being said, you have to be more assertive in enforcing boundaries and staying your own #1 priority. There is no need for you to be in a rush to meet his kids, or attempt to prove your worthiness by volunteering as a tagalong, therapist, or support beam concerning his kids' affairs and activities, drama, etc. especially if they already have a biological mother in the picture. He needs to already have all of his kid affairs worked out.

Don't sacrifice quality time that's supposed to be spent with only him either. If something comes up and your plans for a night out with him are ruined because he has to keep his kids or whatever then don't trip... but also don't go to his house to kick it with him and the kid as if that makes up for a date. The groundwork needs to be laid to make him know that he will always have to make special time for you only. Your worth as a woman is not determined by your ability to make adjustments in your single childless life, for someone else's kids... especially if yall are just dating.

Too many times I see women overextend themselves to the kids as a means for seeking validation from the man. Then when the relationship gets really deep, they're fighting for boundaries and feeling like a third wheel, overwhelmed and unappreciated. I hate when people talk that "package deal" crap and just expect for you to understand, all while they know good and well who you are too and are also fully aware of the baggage you do (and in this case don't) come with.

He's the one who from the jump, should be trying to prove to you that he can be the man you want while keeping his other obligations in tact all by himself. He needs to be trying to date you and win you over without ever making his kids the subject of why he cannot always present to you his very best. The fact that he is a father should never dilute his efforts toward you.

 

[hopeful]

@Browndilocks
I completely agree . I think the general rule should be to only integrate people into your life who treat you with love, trust, care, and respect. Natalie Lue from Baggage Reclaim wrote this book:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1540371662/ref=tmm_pap_title_sr?ie=UTF8&qid=&sr=

https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/my...onships-from-the-jaws-of-pain-fear-and-guilt/

It really doesn’t matter if he has children or not, at least not at the beginning. Many guys with no children still treat women like afterthoughts and pretend to always be so busy because they are so ambitious when they are actually juggling women. But even if they really were working so much, who cares? If they don’t have time for you or don’t make you a priority leave them be. Some men use their children as an excuse to be unavailable to avoid intimacy and actually fully show up for a relationship. If a guy isn’t fully showing up for any reason leave him be. Don’t try to figure him out. Don’t be understanding. Don’t give more. Just leave him be.

 

[ArrrBeee]

As busy as President Obama was, he made time for Michelle. All these other jokers talmbout I don't have time, yadda yadda yadda, pay them in dust and remember how our 44 treated his queen. People will make time for what they want.

 

[hopeful]

As busy as President Obama was, he made time for Michelle. All these other jokers talmbout I don't have time, yadda yadda yadda, pay them in dust and remember how our 44 treated his queen. People will make time for what they want.

When my mother was still living she said this often .

Barack Obama was a wonderful example of what a real man looks like, how healthy, loving, strong masculinity shows up in the world.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

How do you answer the so you don’t have sex until you’re married? You’re gonna out yourself in a box like that? Like unless you know it’s about to be a ring in your finger you’re not gonna smash?

How to seduce by slowly evolving. I know my problem in the past is that it got too serious too fast. We probably go from talking to dating to coloring in a month. I don’t think I did a good job of building enticipation.

I read this: But give him a glimmer of hope that’s one step higher than the last time the both of you went out. Don’t get it? If you’ve clasped his hand on the first date, allow him to hold your palm on the second. If you’ve exchanged a little peck on the lips on the third date, share a bit more on the next date. It doesn’t matter if you’ve started with just a smile, every now and then, share just a bit more even if you’ve not been on a date with him just yet. It’ll let him know that the relationship is evolving slowly, and it’ll help him realize that you’re starting to like him a lot too.

When I begin dating, I plan to try to incorporate the art of seduction techniques as well as your tips to set myself apart and make him know/think I am a catch. Tips?

I just tell them when it is time. It's not a first date thing though (and I'm celibate till marriage). I don't give more and more on dates and that hasn't been a problem in the past. I'm only on hold healing after finding out I have a chronic illness and getting emergency surgery so I'm not dating but will be back in the market soon. I don't believe in dating though, I believe in courting so I've never had a guy freak out because they usually find out as things evolve in a natural time frame. And by then they're so in that they just don't care. My ex fiancé for instance, was definitely a courting situation as with others. Most guys want to commit to me fast and get me off the market (but I am all about the filter and not letting someone pressure me into a relationship unless I want to be there). I do think (especially when you're past the age [older than teens to mid twenties] that people are typically celibate) that celibacy has some pluses (and minuses). The pluses are that it filters guys who are only interested in one thing because they are only going to wait for the challenge and then think for real when they realize that yes they too will not break my streak, because they are not an exception to the rule . This will only leave guys looking for serious relationships. There will still be some manipulators in that group but a lot will be weeded out (the pretenders holding on until they win the prize while still dating, or seeing other women, or womanizing). This is where seeing through b.s and having good filtering skills comes into play.

Then of course it makes a guy have to dig deep because you can't use sex as a mask (the eat, sleep, joke ala Chris Rock) and have nothing else in common: you will really have to find other commonalities and interests. With that said, you then have to filter other types of guys who have traditional mindsets that I just don't agree with (This is part of the minus part of the equation). I'm not into a guy with a Madonna Whore mindset, or some other warped view, so that guy has got to go along with others with warped religious views (I have religious views but I am non traditional in some respects and will not be placed in a house barefoot and pregnant banned from reading materials okay that is extreme but you get the point). So filtering is still necessary for those types, and then just filtering of guys (like everyone else does) in general.