Dating For Marriage: Advice, Tips, Suggestions

Petal26 said:
This all day long.

I got into a debate with some women at work about this last week (These aren't kids, I'm talking about women in their 40s and 50s). How are you going to attract decent men when 12 minutes ago you were ranting about all men are aholes, abusers, cheaters? You gotta change your mindset and fix your picker.

It's so lazy. You don't want to do your homework and vet these men, so you take the easy way out and say "Men are jerks", "All men cheat". Then you act all smug when they prove you right :rolleyes:
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Right. And if all men are jerks, cheaters, abusers, etc. then why not leave them be and live a man-free life? Why hand over your heart and body, time and energy, to a monster? Where is the self-love, the self-protection? Women are not going to die without men. So either open up your heart and do the hard work of healing, maturing, vetting properly, taking your time, etc. or just leave them alone and keep them out of your life.
 
Petal26 said:
This all day long.

I got into a debate with some women at work about this last week (These aren't kids, I'm talking about women in their 40s and 50s). How are you going to attract decent men when 12 minutes ago you were ranting about all men are aholes, abusers, cheaters? You gotta change your mindset and fix your picker.

It's so lazy. You don't want to do your homework and vet these men, so you take the easy way out and say "Men are jerks", "All men cheat". Then you act all smug when they prove you right :rolleyes:
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I don’t think it’s laziness. I think it’s fear. It’s easy to point the finger outwards but doing the inside work opens you up to having to acknowledge the role you played in failed relationships and why you’ve chosen badly. Most people fear delving that deep.
 
RoundEyedGirl504 said:
I don’t think it’s laziness. I think it’s fear. It’s easy to point the finger outwards but doing the inside work opens you up to having to acknowledge the role you played in failed relationships and why you’ve chosen badly. Most people fear delving that deep.
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I think it’s both. Healing takes a lot of work, a lot of time, and sometimes money too if you need therapy. It’s scary and hard work. Especially in the beginning.
 
hopeful said:
Right. And if all men are jerks, cheaters, abusers, etc. then why not leave them be and live a man-free life? Why hand over your heart and body, time and energy, to a monster? Where is the self-love, the self-protection? Women are not going to die without men. So either open up your heart and do the hard work of healing, maturing, vetting properly, taking your time, etc. or just leave them alone and keep them out of your life.
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Exactly. I also think honestly women let other women fearmonger them, I see it here all the time on this board. If I had of told anyone outside of my super tight circle that I was divorcing at my age, they would have told me every reason why there are no men out there or why the odds were not in my favor. Speak abundance in everything you do. Ignore negative words from people. When other women are afraid of what they can't do or don't believe in themselves, they project that on the next woman.
 
Zaynab said:
I'm just quoting you to emphasize the texting point. Good job keeping it short. :yep:

I want someone to try this out. I keep telling y'all don't reply to texts. :lol: I promise it works. Just pretend you didn't get them. They're either forced to call or drop off. AND the ones who are serious still call you, like I promise, promise. And like a PP said, I'm sure some worry like well I don't want him to think I'm not interested. Blah, it's just not the person for you. Dudes steady texting WYD to 5 people and still single.
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My brother told me this... it’s like fishing. Throw out a good morning text to like 20 girls to see who responds... he’s like those dudes are so lame but somebody women respond because they don’t know better.
 
CafedeBelleza said:
Why wouldn't you enjoy your own company? I do stuff alone all the time. Go out to dinner, the movies, shopping, especially when the weather is nice to open air markets and outlet malls.
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I once had a guy told me that some women are so afraid of being alone that they will put up with anything just so they aren’t alone... lol. I’m a crab... I will stay in my shell by myself if necessary... LOL he learned the hard way
 
Ms_Delikate said:
My brother told me this... it’s like fishing. Throw out a good morning text to like 20 girls to see who responds... he’s like those dudes are so lame but somebody women respond because they don’t know better.
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Yes, a lot of these men are barley trying. They text you with BS, but never make plans or anything. It's so the girl does most of the work and the pressure to court you is off them. It's like the roles reverse and the woman ends up courting the man
 
Southernbella. said:
On point.

I'm adding this because I saw it on the other board and this post reminded me of it. Straight from the horse's mouth:

Hi reddit, I feel terrible, terrible and I could really use some advice. In advance, I expect this post to receive a lot of negative comments, and I'm ok with this. If you could look past some points, I would appreciate an advice of how to approach this.

I've been in relationship with my SO for the last seven years, and we have been living together for the last three. It wasn't "love on the first sight" type of relationship. Actually, I grew to love her over the time. It started when we met on line; she was funny, smart and we started dating. Things progressed very slowly, and what I liked about her is that she's a "family and honor" type of girl. I met her when I thought I'll never find someone like that at my age then (28). I wanted a honest woman who appreciates true values in life, which was something that, after many one night stands and failed relationships, I didn't think existed anymore. Foolish, I know, but if you've been in my shoes back then, you would think the same. And then I met her :).

One of the problems I've had from the beginning is sex. I was never actually attracted to her - she wasn't my type of woman. Although everyone thought she was beautiful, I just never saw it that way. I love her for her personality and that's why I'm with her in the first place, but the physical attraction was sadly never there. Sometimes, I would look at her and think "maybe she is pretty, it's just me, I need to work on myself and change my image of her".

Then, I was her first lover - she was a virgin when we met. I was with inexperienced girls before so I took it slowly, and gave my best to teach her about the things I like, to learn what she likes, but over the time, I learned that we're just sexually incompatible to the point that I don't even want to have sex with her anymore.

I honestly prefer masturbation to sex at this point. We have sex only when I feel that we should finally do it because I don't want to take it completely from her. I know that she loves sex, but I feel sorry for her knowing that there is someone else who she could have the best time in her life with, instead with this sorry excuse for a sex with me. Before you ask, no I can't talk to her about it. Belive me that I tried to work on it with her for the first two years and talked a lot. It' just won't work, we're not compatible and I don't see how this can be changed. And she loves me to death, says I'm all she ever wanted from a man.

Then, there is the marriage thing. We always talked how we want to get married and have children, and I always thought that she's the person I want to spend my life with, regardless of the attraction problem. I know nobody's perfect, and I though I need to look past this, because the base of every relationship is trust and friendship and since she's my best friend, sex shouldn't matter.

And then, a few days ago we were at her younger brother's engagement party and her drunk father gave me a few not-so-good remarks about me not proposing her yet. He did it publicly, and it hurt her a lot. Since then she feels bad, wants me to talk to her father, but I can't. You know why? I can't because I'm not sure I want to marry her. She's my best friend, I love her, I can't stand seeing her cry and being so sad.. I know that only thing that would put her heart to ease is me proposing her finally. I can't do that because I'm not sure it's the right thing to do.

And now comes the part that will create a lot of hate. If not for this what I'm about to tell, I would probably propose her. I met someone 3 weeks ago, someone smart, pretty, and we share a lot of common interests. We have been meeting during my lunch breaks, then I started hanging out with her every opportunity I got. I think I might even be in love her, but nothing physical happened. She told me that she's not interested in me physically because I'm in relationship.

And that's fine with me because I think I already did enough damage with meeting her in the first place. But did meeting her ruin all my plans and perception of my future? Yes, yes and yes. She's not even a person I could plan my future with - she's 12 years younger than me, still in college, doesn't want to get married or have children (everything that my SO wants), but why do I want her so badly? She actually opened my eyes in terms of wanting someone physically, not only emotionally.

Now I don't know what to do. How can I propose my girlfriend knowing that: 1) I will have bad sex all my life and 2) I cheated her emotionally? If I tell her about the other girl, we're finished because she doesn't tolerate adultery of any kind. If I don't tell her and somehow try to work on our relationship, finally proposing her, I'm afraid that this could happen again. On the second hand, I'm the type of person who really could spend his life knowing that everything doesn't have to be perfect and try to live with all shortcomings in the relationship. I could maybe do it if I try, but is this fair to her?

Original post here



Y'all. This man has dated a woman for 7 years, lived with her for 3, and is not even attracted to her. Then he met someone he's attracted to and would probably marry her tomorrow except she doesn't want to get married. And so he's staying with his Gf knowing he doesn't want to marry her and the sex is trash, because he doesn't like to see her cry. And she's sticking around hoping he'll finally propose.

THIS IS MEN. They will stay knowing they aren't going to marry you and halfway don't even like you that much and you will have no idea. Don't be this girl.
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WOW
 
I think women downplay how important companionship is for men. I sure did. Men desire companionship even more than women do. The only difference is that there need not be any emotional attachment for a man to keep a woman around. If she's pretty, fun to be around, and available she can be a placeholder and it never has to go anywhere for him. This is hard for women to grasp because we don't keep men around that we can't see ourselves developing romantic feelings for. Since sex is more of a motivator for men than love, none of that matters to him when choosing a short-term companion. I know Steve Harvey isn't well liked these days, but the best advice he's given is that no man is choosing no sex over some sex. Men with options don't choose the single life. They aren't sitting around womanless while they wait on the one. They will always have a woman around in some capacity. These are the women he's texting when he's bored and asking out on last minute dates. Even non-sexual time spent is desirable to a man because he wants the company of a woman regardless. Women get caught up in believing that because he calls and asks her out on real dates that he sees long term potential with her. Not always true. Men past a certain age hate the bachelor life. Cuddling on the couch and watching a movie with a soft, pretty woman that he sees no future with is more desirable than a night spent alone eating takeout or out trying to pick up women in the bar at midnight. A quality placeholder is a better option than a bunch of one night stands. I got caught in this trap last year, and while I was falling in love, he was just enjoying having a pretty woman at his beck and call while he pursued the woman he really wanted. The woman he falls in love with is high value and easy to lose. She flips a biological switch in him that most fair, low-effort women don't. But of course, even if the knowledge is there, the practice isn't always easy. If knowledge was all we needed, we'd all be rich, skinny, and happy. When you're lonely, the lukewarm man looks like a better option than a weekend spent home alone watching Stranger Things. I still have to remind myself that lukewarm men aren't worth it. It always crashes and burns even when you believe it is going somewhere. But loneliness can be a common sense killer.
 
I love everything you wrote @SurferBabe. I will also add that for some men that switch never turns on for commitment because they are addicted to variety and the chase. Sometimes he isn’t seeking better, but simply more and more sex, variety, power, excitement, etc. I guess I’m saying that for some men no woman is high value enough for him to care about losing. All of them are placeholders, sometimes even the wife. Some men see all women as things to meet their needs. But either way he is lukewarm, not fully available, and not moving forward with you. Lukewarm men suck.
 
So what if you just met a guy on POF or OKC? I send a couple messages and if he doesn't ask me out within a few days I stop responding. If we exchange numbers I might text back once a day? Or every other day if he texts something like "Good morning" or something like that. Or if I feel like my boundaries are being pressed about something I don't respond.

I actually work really long hours so I can't do the text all day type thing.

One guy actually told me that I rarely text him back, I take hours. Not sure if that is good or bad.
 
GraceJones said:
So what if you just met a guy on POF or OKC? I send a couple messages and if he doesn't ask me out within a few days I stop responding. If we exchange numbers I might text back once a day? Or every other day if he texts something like "Good morning" or something like that. Or if I feel like my boundaries are being pressed about something I don't respond. If they haven't tried to make plans to meet, I would just drop them.

I actually work really long hours so I can't do the text all day type thing.

One guy actually told me that I rarely text him back, I take hours. Not sure if that is good or bad.
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If you've taken the relationship off/line and y'all are getting to know each other, do not text. I know texting is a preferred way for people to communicate but it's not a way to get to know a person. You might love texting but It takes zero effort. It also IMO is insincere because a guy can be texting you and 6 other people. Texting is too easy a way to slip into sexting and guys pushing boundaries. Just don't give them the chance to do so.

I'm going to say this until I'm blue in the face, stop texting men outside of high and bye and time confirmation to meet for a date. Don't reply to good morning texts. I mean don't text at all and don't explain why, don't say "I don't text" or "if you want to get to know me, you can call me". Just don't text. Period. If they never call, then great, on to the next.

My current hubby's job is such that it's easier for him to text, he has very limited time to talk but guess what, when we were first dating he would text me and I just wouldn't text back. He used the few and I mean few like 2-3 mins he had during his workday to pick up the phone and call me to say hello. Make these men meet a standard.
 
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Zaynab said:
If you've taken the relationship off/line and y'all are getting to know each other, do not text. I know texting is a preferred way for people to communicate but it's not a way to get to know a person. You might love texting but It takes zero effort. It also IMO is insincere because a guy can be texting you and 6 other people. Texting is too easy a way to slip into sexting and guys pushing boundaries. Just don't give them the chance to do so.

I'm going to say this until I'm blue in the face, stop texting men outside of high and bye and time confirmation to meet for a date. Don't reply to good morning texts. I mean don't text at all and don't explain why, don't say "I don't text" or "if you want to get to know me, you can call me". Just don't text. Period. If they never call, then great, on to the next.

My current hubby's job is such that it's easier for him to text, he has very limited time to talk but guess what, when we were first dating he would text me and I just wouldn't text back. He used the few and I mean few like 2-3 mins he had during his workday to pick up the phone and call me to say hello. Make these men meet a standard.
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I haven't met them in person yet. Just gave them my number. I actually hate texting. A huge time waster. Men will text you for weeks and never ask you on a date.

The guy I previously mentioned called me because I would reply to his messages like once a day. But that's all I really had time for.

This next guy just texted me what's up and immediately asked me out on a date lol. I guess he knew I wasn't here for the blah blah blah. I haven't met him in person yet.

I have another guy that I messaged on OKC about a year ago. He would text me ENDLESSLY and I just stopped responding. He messaged me again yesterday and asked me out again for this weekend. He did text me good morning Monday and I just replied this morning. Won't do that again.

I'm gonna try this no texting thing because texting does not work in favor of us women when we are trying to vet.

Nobody has set a time or place yet so I am still FREE if someone were to invite me out.

Edit: Guess who just messaged to ask me if I can talk? @Zaynab you da truth girl!

tenor.gif
 
Zaynab said:
It's shocking but This is so common. All single women need to print that out and read it everyday.
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I would love to suggest this to some single women I know but if I did, they would be mad at me. When I was single I had a friend told me I was too picky because I once asked a guy “what about me made you think that you could walk over here to me, a grown woman with your pants sagging to talk? Walk back over there and pull your pants up and approach me again.” I had no interest in him but I was offended that he thought it was ok to approach a grown woman looking that way. He wasn’t even offended because he actually did it... She then proceeded to tell me I am too picky and I’ll be single forever:huh:
 
GraceJones said:
I haven't met them in person yet. Just gave them my number. I actually hate texting. A huge time waster. Men will text you for weeks and never ask you on a date.

The guy I previously mentioned called me because I would reply to his messages like once a day. But that's all I really had time for.

This next guy just texted me what's up and immediately asked me out on a date lol. I guess he knew I wasn't here for the blah blah blah. I haven't met him in person yet.

I have another guy that I messaged on OKC about a year ago. He would text me ENDLESSLY and I just stopped responding. He messaged me again yesterday and asked me out again for this weekend. He did text me good morning Monday and I just replied this morning. Won't do that again.

I'm gonna try this no texting thing because texting does not work in favor of us women when we are trying to vet.

Nobody has set a time or place yet so I am still FREE if someone were to invite me out.

Edit: Guess who just messaged to ask me if I can talk? @Zaynab you da truth girl!

tenor.gif
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GOOD. :amen:

I'm gonna keep preaching the no texting thing. Sure after you're seriously dating you can text but when initially meeting and dating, we do not text. At all. :yep:
 
qchelle said:
Different strokes I guess. I think it's rude to answer a text by calling the person. Especially in the get to know you stage. We have to set a time for you to call. If you don't tell me in advance, via text, that you will be calling, I am not answering the phone. In the get to know you stage, that is.
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:lol: That's too many rules for me but I think people have just lost sense of real and organic conversation. If a person texts me, I don't call them, I just don't answer. If you can take the time to txt, you can take the time to call

ETA: my other pet peeve is people texting me "hey call me.". Um no.
 
Zaynab said:
:lol: That's too many rules for me but I think people have just lost sense of real and organic conversation. If a person texts me, I don't call them, I just don't answer. If you can take the time to txt, you can take the time to call

ETA: my other pet peeve is people texting me "hey call me.". Um no.
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I might not answer the text either. But I'm for sure not answering a call :lol: I totally disagree with the bolded :lol:

Oh my, I text people "call me" when I need to talk to them! I try not to just, out of the blue, call people. I dont want it done to me so I try not to do it to others :lol:

Yea, you're probably right. I have lost a sense of real organic conversation :lachen:
 
caribeandiva said:
Then just call me. Why text that to begin with?
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Because I automatically assume that no one wants to talk on the phone! And I feel like that's fine just 'call me when you can'. Like talking on the phone is the last option, only for emergencies. Like why are you calling me, who's dying, what do you need from me cuz you clearly need something mega important since we're talking on the phone. Spit it out, so we can hang up :lol:


It's just a lot of projection on my part :lol:
 
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