Dating For Marriage: Advice, Tips, Suggestions
- Thread starter Zaynab
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SurferBabe
Well-Known Member
I really needed to hear this. Thanks for sharing!
nlamr2013
Well-Known Member
I may have worded that wrong but I mean I 100%knew they were interested not that they were 100% interested
But the usual cues. I’ve been told by friends etc
sarumoki
Epicurean Empress
My current boyfriend has a child. I'd never dated anyone with a kid before, and the first few times I heard "I can't do xyz right now, I'm with my son" I threw a little bit of a tantrum. I'm used to being with guys that I can call and say "I'm bored, come get me." But now I've gotten used to it, more or less.
Red flags to look out for: not being involved enough with the kid, or being too involved with the mother.
Would I do it over? Idk. I'm not a kid person, to be honest. My boyfriend's son is a good kid but he's 6 and he talks your ear off from dawn till dusk. I like peace and quiet. But being with someone who already has a child allows you to see what kind of father he'd be to any potential children you would have.
If you're "chatting" with a guy who hasn't made weekend date plans with you, stop talking to him. Why waste your time? He's definitely not serious. Men who want to date you will blow your phone up on the Monday before the weekend and won't stop until you agree. Keep it moving ladies.
larry3344
Well-Known Member
I am sorry to hear that Flowerhair. I hate divorce
I'm so sorry. And life isn't over.
For emphasis. It's easy and you won't have to guess at all.
Another point I want to make about lukewarm men, somewhere along the way we've been taught that those are the ones to hang on to? That's why some of these men get to be lukewarm, cause y'all do all the work. Men have it made.
This girl I was dating coaching said she had a guy who was driving 8-9 hours from Ohio to GA on the weekends. Now she worked 7-3, Fri, Sat, and Sun. so he had to basically sit there and wait ALL DAY just to spend a few hours with her after work then he would drive all the way back. She said she didn't have a burning passion for him
and he was too nice and was moving too fast. For whatever reason, we have decided that it's not good love unless you're chasing the man down and waiting on his rotation of women. Burning passion, Burns out. Go with the person who worships you. They'll never be lukewarm, they'll get hotter.
Honey Bee
Well-Known Member
I think we need to get better at being self-centered. Not selfISH, but more like '... and how does this association benefit me?' Cuz if you think about it, the girl you were coaching had a nice set up: unusual hours and somebody willing to bend to them*. Why would she be actively looking for a person who made her waste her little bit of free time tracking them down? Like, that don't even make no sense.Another point I want to make about lukewarm men, somewhere along the way we've been taught that those are the ones to hang on to? That's why some of these men get to be lukewarm, cause y'all do all the work. Men have it made.
This girl I was dating coaching said she had a guy who was driving 8-9 hours from Ohio to GA on the weekends. Now she worked 7-3, Fri, Sat, and Sun. so he had to basically sit there and wait ALL DAY just to spend a few hours with her after work then he would drive all the way back. She said she didn't have a burning passion for him
But that's because she wasn't thinking about herself. Would you rather have a good three hours with a guy who been waiting (read: feening) all week, so you know he planned something, or some guy who's like, 'Wait, let me check my phone.' *This reminds me of something I wanted to share. I think it applies to this thread, but you tell me. SO has had unusual hours for much of his career, Asia don't run on our time. His (yt) coworkers were always like, Oh, that's awesome to have somebody waiting for you with breakfast when you get home, how do yall manage that? And he'd be like, '
Um... she doesn't work.' As the years pass, me and the boss' wife (who also doesn't work) are the only ones still there. Finally, it was like, 
. Now all his co-workers are looking/ have found women who are the SAH type. Tbh, they mostly end up getting with white latinas since those are the only ones they can find willing to meet the conditions. And the one female co worker found herself a guy who works from home. 
I think the point here is something like, be realistic with how a future mate fits into your life and your schedule. We coulda been head over heels in love with each other, but if, a, I was unwilling to bend to his time restrictions and, b, he didn't respect the sacrifice I was making, we wouldn't have made it. Or he would have switched specialities, leading to less money.
I also probably would have lost a little respect for him. 
You should seriously write a dating book for black women. I am not joking.
Another point I want to make about lukewarm men, somewhere along the way we've been taught that those are the ones to hang on to? That's why some of these men get to be lukewarm, cause y'all do all the work. Men have it made.
This girl I was dating coaching said she had a guy who was driving 8-9 hours from Ohio to GA on the weekends. Now she worked 7-3, Fri, Sat, and Sun. so he had to basically sit there and wait ALL DAY just to spend a few hours with her after work then he would drive all the way back. She said she didn't have a burning passion for him
You make a good point. Dating and choosing a partner is a lifestyle fit much like jobs are a cultural fit. DH has irregular work hours and it's a great fit for me because I like my free timeI think we need to get better at being self-centered. Not selfISH, but more like '... and how does this association benefit me?' Cuz if you think about it, the girl you were coaching had a nice set up: unusual hours and somebody willing to bend to them*. Why would she be actively looking for a person who made her waste her little bit of free time tracking them down? Like, that don't even make no sense.
*This reminds me of something I wanted to share. I think it applies to this thread, but you tell me. SO has had unusual hours for much of his career, Asia don't run on our time. His (yt) coworkers were always like, Oh, that's awesome to have somebody waiting for you with breakfast when you get home, how do yall manage that? And he'd be like, '
I think the point here is something like, be realistic with how a future mate fits into your life and your schedule. We coulda been head over heels in love with each other, but if, a, I was unwilling to bend to his time restrictions and, b, he didn't respect the sacrifice I was making, we wouldn't have made it. Or he would have switched specialities, leading to less money.
Anyone with a different personality or expectations wouldn't work for either of us.I don't think people find what I have to say interesting
not enough to buy a book anyway. And The trend now is Boss women who are SM queens and Part-time ministers 
C@ssandr@
formerly known as "keyawarren"
I don't think people find what I have to say interesting
I think it's "boring" because its all been said a million times over. I'll speak for myself and the many who just never applied the advice and/or never knew how to use the info.
I'm experiencing a slow (but steady) come up, so ive been able to see and experience these things from different angles of the female experience.
Ive mentioned before, some of the stuff the women like you preach can't be understood until experienced or until the results are seen. Some of it is even counterintuitive, so in comes the fear of making a false move and "ruining it". There are plenty of great resources on the topic, its just a matter of truly "getting it".
Just my two cents.
RUBY
Well-Known Member
Sorry to hear this. 2017 has certainly been a stand out year for you. Hope 2018 is much better and you get what you wish for.
I'm glad you explained that so succinctly. It makes sense to me now. I'm guilty of getting aggravated with women who say they want help then, reject every single thing I tell them.
kupenda
Well-Known Member
Taking my time reading through this thread. Started slow with the advice. So I’ve been making eye contact and smiling at people all day, with both men and women. Men have been responding sooo differently. Telling me how beautiful I am, following me to my car, telling their boys to look at me. These aren’t the kind of men I’m looking to marry, but it’s great seeing such an immediate change. Thank you ladies. As always, y’all be knowing
Ms_Delikate
Well-Known Member
Sorry so long...
The way I work is once my husband promises to do something, I (silently) hold him accountable to it and will not "pick up the slack" if he defaults on that promise. I know it sounds wrong, and yes occasionally he's defaulted in big ways but I'm in this for the long run. I can handle temporary inconvenience for a long term behavior change.
Example...My husband was really bad about filling up the gas tank in my SUV. He had no problem pumping the gas but he liked to wait until it was running on fumes before pulling into a Shell station. One year, the night before Thanksgiving, I nagged him about the gas and he decided to wait. To myself, I was like "This is THE LAST time I'm going to remind him. We just gonna have to run out of gas one day!"
Do you know that this man ran out of gas on the highway that night?! When he called I simply paused for about 10 seconds and was like "Baby, you need to preserve your battery life so call me once you've refueled and are safely on your way back home." I never had to gloat, or say "I told you so."
That night the car battery ended up dead because he left the flashers on thus requiring him to call Geico's roadside assistance for a jump but when the guy arrived his jump box wasn't charged. Geico then had to tow my precious vehicle to a lot that had the proper equipment to for a jump.
Even though his repeated phone calls to cuss/vent about the situation plus Geico calling me to verify each step of the process had me up all night I sat at home cute and unbothered like...
I say allllll of that to say that sometimes men have to learn the hard way and in the situation with your SO needs to know what it feels like to miss you. He's not carrying through on his promise to make more time for you so get busy. Fill your personal schedule with random mess so you become a little more scarce when he does have time. If he's a good dude, he'll start to learn that when he says he's going to make time for you he needs to actually do it.[/QUOTE]
This is the second year of my new marriage and I will reread this to keep it in mind...my DH is a Sag and has problems following up on things at times....taking notes!
Not sure why my reply removed the original post...SMH
The way I work is once my husband promises to do something, I (silently) hold him accountable to it and will not "pick up the slack" if he defaults on that promise. I know it sounds wrong, and yes occasionally he's defaulted in big ways but I'm in this for the long run. I can handle temporary inconvenience for a long term behavior change.
Example...My husband was really bad about filling up the gas tank in my SUV. He had no problem pumping the gas but he liked to wait until it was running on fumes before pulling into a Shell station. One year, the night before Thanksgiving, I nagged him about the gas and he decided to wait. To myself, I was like "This is THE LAST time I'm going to remind him. We just gonna have to run out of gas one day!"
Do you know that this man ran out of gas on the highway that night?! When he called I simply paused for about 10 seconds and was like "Baby, you need to preserve your battery life so call me once you've refueled and are safely on your way back home." I never had to gloat, or say "I told you so."
That night the car battery ended up dead because he left the flashers on thus requiring him to call Geico's roadside assistance for a jump but when the guy arrived his jump box wasn't charged. Geico then had to tow my precious vehicle to a lot that had the proper equipment to for a jump.
Even though his repeated phone calls to cuss/vent about the situation plus Geico calling me to verify each step of the process had me up all night I sat at home cute and unbothered like...
I say allllll of that to say that sometimes men have to learn the hard way and in the situation with your SO needs to know what it feels like to miss you. He's not carrying through on his promise to make more time for you so get busy. Fill your personal schedule with random mess so you become a little more scarce when he does have time. If he's a good dude, he'll start to learn that when he says he's going to make time for you he needs to actually do it.[/QUOTE]
This is the second year of my new marriage and I will reread this to keep it in mind...my DH is a Sag and has problems following up on things at times....taking notes!
Not sure why my reply removed the original post...SMH
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C@ssandr@
formerly known as "keyawarren"
The other thing is that dating well and being a good gf doesnt come naturally to everyone. Just like social skills, some of us could use the pointers that'll get us ahead.
Side note: attracting the right men and maintaining a relationship seems to be a matter of a certain mindset. Using a list of "do's and don'ts" helps (ex. The book Why Men Love *****es) but your mind/philosophy needs to be right.
Ms_Delikate
Well-Known Member
This^...I am working on this
Petal26
Well-Known Member
Dating a guy who wants to move things along is pretty new to me, and quite refreshing. After 3 months of dating, we became official. I expected the pace to slow down, but it hasn't. We are now 9 months in. He is pretty consistent and persistent. He plans all of our dates, some of them are planned months in advance. The other day he reminded me of all the things we're supposed to be doing this winter. We're also planning a vacation in the spring. I wasn't expecting him to become lukewarm, but I was expecting things to be a little less intense after I became his gf. Nope. He believes in his heart of hearts that I'm his soul mate and that god sent me to him...his words. I wasn't sure about this at first, but I am flattered and I am behind this 100%Just last night he was telling me that he wants me to see him at his best and he working towards that. He's adorable
things have been easy because he does everything a man is stereotypically supposed to do even though he has "won" me over.
I get it now. I also think once we've had certain experiences we start to expect more.
Girl....
I am so ridiculously happy for you. He sounds soooo sweet 
CurliDiva
Well-Known Member
ITA!
caribeandiva
Human being
Just added 3 dudes to my rotation in the past 2 weeks alone. One is all talk, no action. He texts a lot but didn’t make plans. I kept my text convos short with him. Ain’t nobody got time to text all day. He asked me last night to take me out... last night. Hell naw! We’ll see if he’s a time waster. Another dude called and asked me out properly for Friday night. That’s better. The last dude is a classmate who is professional swimmer and he offered me free swim lessons. This should be fun!
I'm just quoting you to emphasize the texting point. Good job keeping it short.
I want someone to try this out. I keep telling y'all don't reply to texts.
I promise it works. Just pretend you didn't get them. They're either forced to call or drop off. AND the ones who are serious still call you, like I promise, promise. And like a PP said, I'm sure some worry like well I don't want him to think I'm not interested. Blah, it's just not the person for you. Dudes steady texting WYD to 5 people and still single.Yay!!!! I think sometimes just using the tools and experience is necessary to see that really you control the way people respond to you.
caribeandiva
Human being
I’m gonna take you up on that no replying to dude’s random texts. You’re right. The serious ones WILL call.I'm just quoting you to emphasize the texting point. Good job keeping it short.
I want someone to try this out. I keep telling y'all don't reply to texts.
Honey Bee
Well-Known Member
They're so well matched, really. Too cute.
Girl....
GraceJones
Well-Known Member
I needed this thread. I mostly meet his online and the bleep-ery that goes on is insane.
Basically just hook ups. No courting involved whatsoever.
How do you meet guys in real life? I go to meet ups, go to bars, brunch, etc. Nothing.
I asked my male friend what was wrong and says he feels like I'm intimating because I'm tall and I'm shy.
Basically just hook ups. No courting involved whatsoever.
How do you meet guys in real life? I go to meet ups, go to bars, brunch, etc. Nothing.
I asked my male friend what was wrong and says he feels like I'm intimating because I'm tall and I'm shy.
GraceJones
Well-Known Member
Yoooo this happened to me yesterday. Dude been texting me since last week with random foolishness. I stopped answering because I became busy with work.I'm just quoting you to emphasize the texting point. Good job keeping it short.
I want someone to try this out. I keep telling y'all don't reply to texts.
Guess who calls yesterday? Same guy
hopeful
Well-Known Member
Maybe this has already been said but I would also suggest you rethink how you think about the availability of good men. When your gf gets engaged or is being properly courted watch your thoughts. Are you like omg she is soooo lucky! I wish I could meet someone like that 
? Or are you like oh good for her and HE is a lucky guy? And KIM.
The minute you think a good guy is a unicorn you are putting him on a pedestal. Please do not put anyone on a pedestal or believe decent men are scarce. You still have to Vet Vet Vet but that’s because you are precious and can’t let just any ol’ body have access to you and your life. In your heart you have to believe that good, kind men exist and are not a rarity. While also accepting there are also lots of jerks too.
? Or are you like oh good for her and HE is a lucky guy? And KIM.The minute you think a good guy is a unicorn you are putting him on a pedestal. Please do not put anyone on a pedestal or believe decent men are scarce. You still have to Vet Vet Vet but that’s because you are precious and can’t let just any ol’ body have access to you and your life. In your heart you have to believe that good, kind men exist and are not a rarity. While also accepting there are also lots of jerks too.
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