Dating For Marriage: Advice, Tips, Suggestions

[Southernbella.]

@Honey Bee

I think we need to get better at being self-centered. Not selfISH, but more like '... and how does this association benefit me?'

THAT part. I cannot tell you how many women are stuck in a "fairness" mentality. Matter of fact, I used to think like this too, I can't even front. But with age comes wisdom.

This is why women are on social media posting that crappy meme talking about "we both grind, we both spoil each other" because they don't have any concept of being spoiled and self centered. These women also argue against child support and other things that benefit them because again, no concept of self-centeredness.

Men think only of themselves 90+% of the time and are never fighting for fairness in relationships so why do WE do it?

@Zaynab as you said, this is also why women are yearning to jump through hoops for men while rejecting the attentive ones because they feel like they should be doing just as much work.

 

[hopeful]

I believe it’s very important for black women to learn to think more in shades of gray vs black and white. To think more both/and vs either/or. When you think black and white either a guy is great or he is terrible. You will encounter men who appear great, are good on paper, but something doesn’t “feel” right. You must learn to trust yourself. So a guy can have a lot of wonderful qualities and still be an awful human being. You have to be aware of this to make good choices.

Also, the other reason you must have a mindset of abundance is to keep you from chasing as Zaynab has mentioned again and again. If he wants you he wants you. If he doesn’t he doesn’t. If you think you’ve found a unicorn then you will be more inclined to chase and hold on tight for dear life. Chase in dating and if you catch him or convince him you are worthy, you may win the prize, and you may even get married, but be prepared to chase and prove on some level for the REST of your life. Ain’t no man that handsome, rich, or charming to spend the rest of your life chasing him.

So we have to work on our mindset. Think abundance while also accepting that plenty bad eggs and frogs exist. And use critical thinking skills with these dudes. You have to because contrary to what some may think, these dudes are not dumb. They know that lots of women are thirsty, they know when you are faking it, they know when you are crushing on them and like them. THEY KNOW. And just like women use strategy, so do they. You have to be strong and smart, and you must deeply LOVE yourself and your life enough to protect yourself and it. Be wise, be smart, be hopeful, be beautiful, and be open to love.

 

[hopeful]

Yes, and be self-focused. Keep your wants and needs front and center — always!

ITA with @Southernbella.

 

[HaveSomeWine]

I read all/most of the thread and what I've found that's been the most helpful is being innocent and sweet so my guy does all of the chasing, but also knowing when to flirt to show him my fun side and leave him wanting more so he never loses interest. I also found that smiling/my smile was a big deal to him. Apparently he finds himself "always thinking about my beautiful smile". I guess I'm more approachable when I'm smiling lol. He's always looking to reach out to me to talk/blowing up my phone and asking for dates but letting me pick what we want to do. I also like that when we go out, it's a given that he's paying for all of it. He doesn't even think about it. It's just second nature to him. He even pulls out my chair for me to sit when we go out to eat lol. Very pleased with what I'm seeing so far. I do think it's important to never come off as desperate. He should do all of the pursuing. Mine is already asking about meeting my parents lol.

 

[crlsweetie912]

I think it's "boring" because its all been said a million times over. I'll speak for myself and the many who just never applied the advice and/or never knew how to use the info.

I'm experiencing a slow (but steady) come up, so ive been able to see and experience these things from different angles of the female experience.

Ive mentioned before, some of the stuff the women like you preach can't be understood until experienced or until the results are seen. Some of it is even counterintuitive, so in comes the fear of making a false move and "ruining it". There are plenty of great resources on the topic, its just a matter of truly "getting it".

Just my two cents.

Not boring to me cause I was never taught anything about relationships, roles, what to expect and not tolerate. I would say that there is DEFINITELY a market for this information!!!

 

[C@ssandr@]

Not boring to me cause I was never taught anything about relationships, roles, what to expect and not tolerate. I would say that there is DEFINITELY a market for this information!!!

I was addressing Zaynab directly about not finding her own advice interesting.

 

[Zaynab]

Yoooo this happened to me yesterday. Dude been texting me since last week with random foolishness. I stopped answering because I became busy with work.

Guess who calls yesterday? Same guy

Exactly. This.

 

[Zaynab]

@Honey Bee



THAT part. I cannot tell you how many women are stuck in a "fairness" mentality. Matter of fact, I used to think like this too, I can't even front. But with age comes wisdom.

This is why women are on social media posting that crappy meme talking about "we both grind, we both spoil each other" because they don't have any concept of being spoiled and self centered. These women also argue against child support and other things that benefit them because again, no concept of self-centeredness.

Men think only of themselves 90+% of the time and are never fighting for fairness in relationships so why do WE do it?

@Zaynab as you said, this is also why women are yearning to jump through hoops for men while rejecting the attentive ones because they feel like they should be doing just as much work.

I absolutely hate the SM mantra some women preach. Grind, Hustle. That's what men are for. And saying this all the time is just so masculine... How is calling yourself a boss chick endearing? All that means is you're gonna be a 50/50 woman. I don't need to see women saying you pay your own bills, great, you're an adult, that's what adults do.

Women brag about self-sacrificing themselves for everything from men to their children. It doesn't make you look better, it makes you value yourself less and slowly accept less and ultimately feel undeserving. I've never seen a man deny himself anything, whether it's a car, shoes, a trip, etc. Men think they deserve whatever they want and so do I. I've never heard a man say they felt underserving.

 

[Zaynab]

I believe it’s very important for black women to learn to think more in shades of gray vs black and white. To think more both/and vs either/or. When you think black and white either a guy is great or he is terrible. You will encounter men who appear great, are good on paper, but something doesn’t “feel” right. You must learn to trust yourself. So a guy can have a lot of wonderful qualities and still be an awful human being. You have to be aware of this to make good choices.

Also, the other reason you must have a mindset of abundance is to keep you from chasing as Zaynab has mentioned again and again. If he wants you he wants you. If he doesn’t he doesn’t. If you think you’ve found a unicorn then you will be more inclined to chase and hold on tight for dear life. Chase in dating and if you catch him or convince him you are worthy, you may win the prize, and you may even get married, but be prepared to chase and prove on some level for the REST of your life. Ain’t no man that handsome, rich, or charming to spend the rest of your life chasing him.not

So we have to work on our mindset. Think abundance while also accepting that plenty bad eggs and frogs exist. And use critical thinking skills with these dudes. You have to because contrary to what some may think, these dudes are not dumb. They know that lots of women are thirsty, they know when you are faking it, they know when you are crushing on them and like them. THEY KNOW. And just like women use strategy, so do they. You have to be strong and smart, and you must deeply LOVE yourself and your life enough to protect yourself and it. Be wise, be smart, be hopeful, be beautiful, and be open to love.

People ask me how did I feel being 40 newly divorced with two teens trying to date? I was like do you see me, do you see my children? Who wouldn't want this lovely ready made family. I absolutely never gave it a thought and never saw it as a negative. That's how you think in abundance and that YOU are the prize, no matter the situation, a man is always lucky to have you.

 

[hopeful]

People ask me how did I feel being 40 newly divorced with two teens trying to date? I was like do you see me, do you see my children? Who wouldn't want this lovely ready made family. I absolutely never gave it a thought and never saw it as a negative. That's how you think in abundance and that YOU are the prize, no matter the situation, a man in always lucky to have you.

Absolutely. Yes yes to everything you said. You and your boys are a beautiful little unit . It is the guy who is lucky to join in on the love, beauty, and joy of your family. It is a privilege.

 

[Honey Bee]

People ask me how did I feel being 40 newly divorced with two teens trying to date? I was like do you see me, do you see my children? Who wouldn't want this lovely ready made family. I absolutely never gave it a thought and never saw it as a negative. That's how you think in abundance and that YOU are the prize, no matter the situation, a man in always lucky to have you.

Boom! I'm officially disabled, true, but I'm also what a man wants to wake up to in the morning, no make up, breath funky, headscarf and all that. I'm a shining light and a goddess upon the land*.

AKA, 'If you don't value yourself, how can you expect anyone else to value you?'


*SO truly believes this, btw. I gave him five extra years with his mother, according to him (she eventually passed). I just 'prescribed' what I thought might stave off her illness. Apparently, it worked. But I got beaucoup points, both relationship-wise and karmic, I think. (I obviously didn't do it for such banal reasons, but it's nice to be appreciated. )

 

[Zaynab]

Boom! I'm officially disabled, true, but I'm also what a man wants to wake up to in the morning, no make up, breath funky, headscarf and all that. I'm a shining light and a goddess upon the land*.

AKA, 'If you don't value yourself, how can you expect anyone else to value you?'


*SO truly believes this, btw. I gave him five extra years with his mother, according to him (she eventually passed). I just 'prescribed' what I thought might stave off her illness. Apparently, it worked. But I got beaucoup points, both relationship-wise and karmic, I think. (I obviously didn't do it for such banal reasons, but it's nice to be appreciated. )

Breath funky goddesses

 

[caribeandiva]

I asked my male friend what was wrong and says he feels like I'm intimating because I'm tall and I'm shy.

Not true! I’m tall too and have no problems getting approached and asked out by men. I’m happy go lucky in my demeanor though, very light hearted, playful and always have a smile on my face. Happiness is the ultimate attraction.

 

[kupenda]

Smiling at the gym. Definitely here to work out. But also practicing a mantra in my head that my husband and provider is here.

This beautiful creature came out the steam room and got in the hot tub while I was in there. Started talking to a guy that was already in there about his travels and everything. He kept turning to face me, and stayed on my end of the pool, choosing to yell to speak to the other guy . But I didn’t insert myself in the convo. When it was time to get out he stopped talking mid sentence to watch me. I could feel him staring but he didn’t speak. I offered a soft smile and wished both men a happy holiday, pausing to be sure they both got eye contact, and went on about my day. Nothing else occurred, but it was nice anyway

I feel prettier when I smile, which increases my confidence

 

[GraceJones]

Yoooo this happened to me yesterday. Dude been texting me since last week with random foolishness. I stopped answering because I became busy with work.

Guess who calls yesterday? Same guy

Same guy texted today. Didn't answer. He just called tonight. Too bad he's 5'6". Ha! lol

 

[Zaynab]

Same guy texted today. Didn't answer. He just called tonight. Too bad he's 5'6". Ha! lol

Look at you

 

[GraceJones]

Look at you

Look at God

 

[Zaynab]

Look at God

My favorite

 

[Jas123]

I absolutely hate the SM mantra some women preach. Grind, Hustle. That's what men are for. And saying this all the time is just so masculine... How is calling yourself a boss chick endearing? All that means is you're gonna be a 50/50 woman. I don't need to see women saying you pay your own bills, great, you're an adult, that's what adults do.

Women brag about self-sacrificing themselves for everything from men to their children. It doesn't make you look better, it makes you value yourself less and slowly accept less and ultimately feel undeserving. I've never seen a man deny himself anything, whether it's a car, shoes, a trip, etc. Men think they deserve whatever they want and so do I. I've never heard a man say they felt underserving.

OMGEE... I just had a light bulb moment (thank you).
I see this all over IG and I always wonder why it never resonates with me, why I never feel like a boss chick and have absolutely no desire to feel like a boss chick, hustling & grinding. IT'S MASCULINE! The exact opposite of my beingness.

 

[GraceJones]

Homeboy called me twice again yesterday. I was enjoying my family so I did not reply. Too bad he's so short. The other guy texted me "Happy Thanksgiving, how are you?" I said, "Happy Thanksgiving." He's like, "Oh, you can't tell me how you are?"

 

[caribeandiva]

Too sick to go on my date. I’ve had a bad cold since yesterday. We’ll reschedule. He keeps asking me to send him pictures. Nah. The other dude keeps texting but I haven’t answered. We’ll see if he actually picks up the phone and calls.

 

[hopeful]

Too sick to go on my date. I’ve had a bad cold since yesterday. We’ll reschedule. He keeps asking me to send him pictures. Nah. The other dude keeps texting but I haven’t answered. We’ll see if he actually picks up the phone and calls.

Feel better! Glad you cancelled and didn’t push yourself to go. Good for you ignoring the pic requests and the stupid texts.

 

[Zaynab]

Too sick to go on my date. I’ve had a bad cold since yesterday. We’ll reschedule. He keeps asking me to send him pictures. Nah. The other dude keeps texting but I haven’t answered. We’ll see if he actually picks up the phone and calls.

I hope you feel better! Yes ignore requests for pics. I'm always like oh refer to my SM. I think asking for pics is just a segueway into sexting.

 

[Zaynab]

Same guy texted today. Didn't answer. He just called tonight. Too bad he's 5'6". Ha! lol

Is the only problem with him that he's 5'6"??? Like if that's it and he's a real suitor, I wouldn't necessarily rule him out. Keep him on the bench at least.

 

[GraceJones]

Is the only problem with him that he's 5'6"??? Like if that's it and he's a real suitor, I wouldn't necessarily rule him out. Keep him on the bench at least.

I'm 6'0" lol

How are we supposed to kiss/ do other activities?

 

[caribeandiva]

I'm 6'0" lol

How are we supposed to kiss/ do other activities?

Sitting down btw I’m 6’0 too

 

[hopeful]

Sitting down btw I’m 6’0 too

6 inch difference though?

 

[caribeandiva]

6 inch difference though?

Yeah... I don’t do short men either. I dated 2 short guys and it didn’t go far. Most of my men are 6ft and up. Ironically short dudes love me though! It’s almost comical.

 

[ArrrBeee]

People ask me how did I feel being 40 newly divorced with two teens trying to date? I was like do you see me, do you see my children? Who wouldn't want this lovely ready made family. I absolutely never gave it a thought and never saw it as a negative. That's how you think in abundance and that YOU are the prize, no matter the situation, a man is always lucky to have you.

I was looking for the love button and remembered that this isn't Facebook. Lol

 

[Petal26]

In your heart you have to believe that good, kind men exist and are not a rarity. While also accepting there are also lots of jerks too.

This all day long.

I got into a debate with some women at work about this last week (These aren't kids, I'm talking about women in their 40s and 50s). How are you going to attract decent men when 12 minutes ago you were ranting about all men are aholes, abusers, cheaters? You gotta change your mindset and fix your picker.

It's so lazy. You don't want to do your homework and vet these men, so you take the easy way out and say "Men are jerks", "All men cheat". Then you act all smug when they prove you right