Dating For Marriage: Advice, Tips, Suggestions

[hopeful]

HOT is great, but this too can be deceiving..............a person can be addicted to that rush of endorphins from first meeting someone new but then they "lose interest" or "fall out of love" just as quickly when those same hormones/emotions stabilizes.

We all deserve hot passion, fun, and excitement but dating for marriage may also mean make sure he has traits that will enhance longevity. Imo, so many relationships crash and burn because there has to be MORE interest-wise than just humping once you come up for air......

When I say hot I’m talking about interest, concern, compassion, etc. I wasn’t really thinking about sexual chemistry or excitement. I’m talking about a person being consistent and steady. A woman shouldn’t have to guess or wonder if a guy is still interested.

 

[SurferBabe]

When I say hot I’m talking about interest, concern, compassion, etc. I wasn’t really thinking about sexual chemistry or excitement. I’m talking about a person being consistent and steady. A woman shouldn’t have to guess or wonder if a guy is still interested.

Agreed. The woman should be the one having to set the pace and slow down the courtship because they man is operating from a sense of (healthy) urgency. For example, with this last guy I felt a lukewarmness even though he went through the motions because there was no urgency. I talked to a couple of friends about it (male and female), and they of course went against what my intuition was telling me because friends will often tell you what you want to hear, mainly-- it SOUNDS like he's interested in you but he's just taking the time to see where this goes. But when I asked the guys if they took their time with their girlfriends/wives it was a resounding NO , they were trying to lock their gfs/wives down immediately but the women were the ones putting the brakes on everything . Not trusting our intuition is why so many of us get caught up in the cycle of leaning in with these guys. In the end my intuition was right. I didn't respond to his last text and I haven't heard anything else from him since. Listening to some folks close to me talk about how he might be shy, reserved, unsure about my feelings about him, intimidated, etc... would have had me once against leaning in and settling for a guy who isn't that into me. I don't need passion or crazy chemistry early on, but now I'm confident that when a man really wants you, he leaves no room for second guessing his level of interest. Any little bit of lukewarmness is huge turnoff now.

 

[Zaynab]

Agreed. The woman should be the one having to set the pace and slow down the courtship because they man is operating from a sense of (healthy) urgency. For example, with this last guy I felt a lukewarmness even though he went through the motions because there was no urgency. I talked to a couple of friends about it (male and female), and they of course went against what my intuition was telling me because friends will often tell you what you want to hear, mainly-- it SOUNDS like he's interested in you but he's just taking the time to see where this goes. But when I asked the guys if they took their time with their girlfriends/wives it was a resounding NO , they were trying to lock their gfs/wives down immediately but the women were the ones putting the brakes on everything . Not trusting our intuition is why so many of us get caught up in the cycle of leaning in with these guys. In the end my intuition was right. I didn't respond to his last text and I haven't heard anything else from him since. Listening to some folks close to me talk about how he might be shy, reserved, unsure about my feelings about him, intimidated, etc... would have had me once against leaning in and settling for a guy who isn't that into me. I don't need passion or crazy chemistry early on, but now I'm confident that when a man really wants you, he leaves no room for second guessing his level of interest. Any little bit of lukewarmness is huge turnoff now.

This exactly. Women think you need to 'read through the lines' or will give any and every excuse as to why a man isn't responding. Men will jump through hoops to see, talk, call and date a woman they want. DH flew in and out in the same day just to take me on a two hour date. Don't ever believe a man is too busy/shy/nervous..because they aren't.

 

[nlamr2013]

This exactly. Women think you need to 'read through the lines' or will give any and every excuse as to why a man isn't responding. Men will jump through hoops to see, talk, call and date a woman they want. DH flew in and out in the same day just to take me on a two hour date. Don't ever believe a man is too busy/shy/nervous..because they aren't.

Thanks for this. My parents keep asking me why I haven’t suggested to this guy I’m friendly with, that we go out or whatever.
They could not understand when I said if he were truly interested he would make sure to see me.
My mom said maybe he doesn’t know I would be interested since I give off a very laid back and uninterested vibe in general. And I’m thinking he would still make it known beyond doubt that he is interested if he were interested.

However I do know that there is something I’m putting out that causes men who are interested in me to never make a move. As I know of more than a few men who were 100% interested who never pursued. I’m working on that but I still won’t be out here suggesting men ask me out.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

Thanks for this. My parents keep asking me why I haven’t suggested to this guy I’m friendly with, that we go out or whatever.
They could not understand when I said if he were truly interested he would make sure to see me.
My mom said maybe he doesn’t know I would be interested since I give off a very laid back and uninterested vibe in general. And I’m thinking he would still make it known beyond doubt that he is interested if he were interested.

However I do know that there is something I’m putting out that causes men who are interested in me to never make a move. As I know of more than a few men who were 100% interested who never pursued. I’m working on that but I still won’t be out here suggesting men ask me out.

I've been through this most of my life. I pique a lot of men's interest but frankly, I don't think I'm their physical type (not that I'm unattractive). I have a lot of non-physical attributes that checks off their list, I come off aloof (i.e. a challenge), etc. But I'm tired of being a "choice" for these dudes, wondering "what if," and digging for clues. I will not be the #wastehertime girl.

 

[Honey Bee]

ETA: Ladies you won't even be asking these questions regarding a man who is 1000% interested in you. Remember the pesky dudes you didn't like that won't go away? That's how persistent they will be.

Truth!

After 17 years, SO still plans our weekly dates a month in advance, sends me alerts, and reminds me. I be like, aight son, dang, I got it.

 

[Zaynab]

Truth!

After 17 years, SO still plans our weekly dates a month in advance, sends me alerts, and reminds me. I be like, aight son, dang, I got it.

I still say that women aren't giving the right guys attention. I will never believe that women flat out don't meet men or all the men they meet are losers. The persistent guy who you might feel meh about.. Maybe give him a chance. He definitely won't be lukewarm though. They'll worship you

 

[hopeful]

This exactly. Women think you need to 'read through the lines' or will give any and every excuse as to why a man isn't responding. Men will jump through hoops to see, talk, call and date a woman they want. DH flew in and out in the same day just to take me on a two hour date. Don't ever believe a man is too busy/shy/nervous..because they aren't.

Yes! Love this!

 

[FlowerHair]

My mom just told me about a friend of ours whose doctor boyfriend drove from Germany to Sweden to surprise her after work last week! Lol!!! That's so cute, but it's true - men will do crazy things just to spend time with you when they're in love.

I love this thread. I need to start dating soon...sadly, me and SO have decided to part ways after 12 years. It's a tough situation, but I'm determined not to spend the rest of my life alone (like my mother).

I want my next man to have a big heart and a big wallet and a big you know what...

 

[Honey Bee]

My mom just told me about a friend of ours whose doctor boyfriend drove from Germany to Sweden to surprise her after work last week! Lol!!! That's so cute, but it's true - men will do crazy things just to spend time with you when they're in love.

I love this thread. I need to start dating soon...sadly, me and SO have decided to part ways after 12 years. It's a tough situation, but I'm determined not to spend the rest of my life alone (like my mother).

I want my next man to have a big heart and a big wallet and a big you know what...

Awwww! Oh no! *sadz* But you sound like me: brief sadness, quickly followed with a plan. Damn though. Oh well, on to the next, and yes, big stuff only. Life is too short to not have what you want.

It'll work out, sis. I have confidence.

 

[Farida]

Yes! Don’t ever believe that you need to wait to hear from a man who is all about YOU! Dr. Laura used to say a man would swim through shark infested water to bring you a glass of lemonade if he were into you.

Honestly if a man makes you wait to hear from him I believe even if he is interested he thinks he can do better or is hoping he can.

One of the best things about my DH is he believes he is so lucky I accepted him. He does not believe he can do better and he honestly freaks out that if I left him or I died he’s be alone. Truth is I don’t buy that. He’d be snapped up real fast.

But the fact that he believes that makes him worship the ground I walk on no matter how angry with me he is. He truly values me and is constantly trying to find ways to show me.

I remember the first time I went away for more than a day or so when we were dating. He was physically sick the first day or so from missing me.

When he helped me take down my braids my friend was like, “it’s a wrap. When is the wedding?”

My man sat down for hours and helped
me take down my braids...so don’t buy stupid excuses of how a man has not called you back for a “legitimate” reason.

 

[FlowerHair]

Awwww! Oh no! *sadz* But you sound like me: brief sadness, quickly followed with a plan. Damn though. Oh well, on to the next, and yes, big stuff only. Life is too short to not have what you want.

It'll work out, sis. I have confidence.

Thank you I've been sad for many years already, so that part of my life is over. He's a good guy, but I can do better. I re-evaluated everything after I was sick this summer, I found a great meme that said "you can't heal in the same environment that made you sick" or something like that. That stuck with me and I knew I had to move on. There are so many issues that don't work with who I am today. We're still friends, though.

2018 will hopefully be my year.

 

[gimbap]

I needed to read the posts about lukewarm men. Thank yall. Already cut off 1, cutting off the other right now. My ex used to drive 7 hours just to see me and to take me to the mall and out to eat. I should know better

 

[SurferBabe]

Thanks for this. My parents keep asking me why I haven’t suggested to this guy I’m friendly with, that we go out or whatever.
They could not understand when I said if he were truly interested he would make sure to see me.
My mom said maybe he doesn’t know I would be interested since I give off a very laid back and uninterested vibe in general. And I’m thinking he would still make it known beyond doubt that he is interested if he were interested.

However I do know that there is something I’m putting out that causes men who are interested in me to never make a move. As I know of more than a few men who were 100% interested who never pursued. I’m working on that but I still won’t be out here suggesting men ask me out.

This is interesting. How did you know they were 100% interested if they never pursued?

 

[Flourishnikov]

I still say that women aren't giving the right guys attention. I will never believe that women flat out don't meet men or all the men they meet are losers. The persistent guy who you might feel meh about.. Maybe give him a chance. He definitely won't be lukewarm though. They'll worship you

This is why I always tell my friends that they could be married if they really wanted to. They are single (myself included) because they dont want the men that want them.

 

[C@ssandr@]

Agreed. The woman should be the one having to set the pace and slow down the courtship because they man is operating from a sense of (healthy) urgency. For example, with this last guy I felt a lukewarmness even though he went through the motions because there was no urgency. I talked to a couple of friends about it (male and female), and they of course went against what my intuition was telling me because friends will often tell you what you want to hear, mainly-- it SOUNDS like he's interested in you but he's just taking the time to see where this goes. But when I asked the guys if they took their time with their girlfriends/wives it was a resounding NO , they were trying to lock their gfs/wives down immediately but the women were the ones putting the brakes on everything . Not trusting our intuition is why so many of us get caught up in the cycle of leaning in with these guys. In the end my intuition was right. I didn't respond to his last text and I haven't heard anything else from him since. Listening to some folks close to me talk about how he might be shy, reserved, unsure about my feelings about him, intimidated, etc... would have had me once against leaning in and settling for a guy who isn't that into me. I don't need passion or crazy chemistry early on, but now I'm confident that when a man really wants you, he leaves no room for second guessing his level of interest. Any little bit of lukewarmness is huge turnoff now.

I still say that women aren't giving the right guys attention. I will never believe that women flat out don't meet men or all the men they meet are losers. The persistent guy who you might feel meh about.. Maybe give him a chance. He definitely won't be lukewarm though. They'll worship you

Dating a guy who wants to move things along is pretty new to me, and quite refreshing. After 3 months of dating, we became official. I expected the pace to slow down, but it hasn't. We are now 9 months in. He is pretty consistent and persistent. He plans all of our dates, some of them are planned months in advance. The other day he reminded me of all the things we're supposed to be doing this winter. We're also planning a vacation in the spring. I wasn't expecting him to become lukewarm, but I was expecting things to be a little less intense after I became his gf. Nope. He believes in his heart of hearts that I'm his soul mate and that god sent me to him...his words. I wasn't sure about this at first, but I am flattered and I am behind this 100% Just last night he was telling me that he wants me to see him at his best and he working towards that. He's adorable

things have been easy because he does everything a man is stereotypically supposed to do even though he has "won" me over.

I get it now. I also think once we've had certain experiences we start to expect more.

 

[THicknLong]

I needed to read these post again. I recently was seeing someone and sent him a text the other day and never received a response and he made up and excuse that he was with his kids. Which has never been the problem in the past. I just completely cut him off.

 

[PrissiSippi]

I think the best thing to do is save ourselves and be a good example of living well . People gonna do what they gonna do .

This is such great advice. People who live peacefully, fully, and happily to the best of their own drum I admire (such as you) and sometimes that can be better than any piece of advice I get

 

[AnjelLuvs]

Just sharing, cause I wanna see us all do better...

 

[Honey Bee]

He believes in his heart of hearts that I'm his soul mate and that god sent me to him...his words. I wasn't sure about this at first, but I am flattered and I am behind this 100% Just last night he was telling me that he wants me to see him at his best and he working towards that. He's adorable

things have been easy because he does everything a man is stereotypically supposed to do even though he has "won" me over.

I get it now. I also think once we've had certain experiences we start to expect more.

Yay!!! I was hoping things were clicking right along but I didn't wanna be all nosy auntie about it.

 

[SurferBabe]

What do you all think of the concept of dead zoning communications during the weekend? Basically, in the early stages of dating, if a man hasn't made plans to see you over the weekend, you're unreachable until Sunday evening. So no casual chatting or texting from Friday evening to Sunday evening. I'm usually not big on strategies but this made me think of men who engage women in endless weekend chat fests but it never goes anywhere. It's definitely a strategy for modern dating. If you have a full weekend schedule and have built up a nice rotation then the unavailability during the weekend makes sense, but what if you are free that weekend? According to The Rules, he's not supposed to know that. He's supposed to wait and wonder what you're up to until you finally respond to him on Sunday evening. I guess fake it til you make it? What do you all think?

 

[hopeful]

@SurferBabe
I never heard of this concept before. But I think it is a good idea. The twist I would add though would be that you are deadzoning not to teach him a lesson or make him jealous but because you don’t want to waste time chitchatting over your precious weekend with someone who hasn’t made you a priority and because you want to be active doing fun things, resting, and enjoying yourself and your full life.

Your weekend should be packed with doing things that make you happy, including taking yourself out on dates, to the movies, a museum, shopping, etc., taking naps, doing your hair, going out with girlfriends, or even binge watching Netflix, etc., so no matter what you will be busy taking care of you, and won’t have time or interest in random text chitchat with some dude who couldn’t be bothered with planning a date with you.

 

[AnjelLuvs]

What do you all think of the concept of dead zoning communications during the weekend? Basically, in the early stages of dating, if a man hasn't made plans to see you over the weekend, you're unreachable until Sunday evening. So no casual chatting or texting from Friday evening to Sunday evening. I'm usually not big on strategies but this made me think of men who engage women in endless weekend chat fests but it never goes anywhere. It's definitely a strategy for modern dating. If you have a full weekend schedule and have built up a nice rotation then the unavailability during the weekend makes sense, but what if you are free that weekend? According to The Rules, he's not supposed to know that. He's supposed to wait and wonder what you're up to until you finally respond to him on Sunday evening. I guess fake it til you make it? What do you all think?

@SurferBabe
I never heard of this concept before. But I think it is a good idea. The twist I would add though would be that you are deadzoning not to teach him a lesson or make him jealous but because you don’t want to waste time chitchatting over your precious weekend with someone who hasn’t made you a priority and because you want to be active doing fun things, resting, and enjoying yourself and your full life.

Your weekend should be packed with doing things that make you happy, including taking yourself out on dates, to the movies, a museum, shopping, etc., taking naps, doing your hair, going out with girlfriends, or even binge watching Netflix, etc., so no matter what you will be busy taking care of you, and won’t have time or interest in random text chitchat with some dude who couldn’t be bothered with planning a date with you.

Interesting concept for those that are in the newbie zone, and just hit up frivolously with the mundane good morning, wha cha doing verbiage...

 

[hopeful]

Interesting concept for those that are in the newbie zone, and just hit up frivolously with the mundane good morning, wha cha doing verbiage...

Right. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

 

[Sosoothing]

My mom just told me about a friend of ours whose doctor boyfriend drove from Germany to Sweden to surprise her after work last week! Lol!!! That's so cute, but it's true - men will do crazy things just to spend time with you when they're in love.

I love this thread. I need to start dating soon...sadly, me and SO have decided to part ways after 12 years. It's a tough situation, but I'm determined not to spend the rest of my life alone (like my mother).

I want my next man to have a big heart and a big wallet and a big you know what...

I'm sad to hear you are parting ways but happy you are looking forward!

 

[caribeandiva]

What do you all think of the concept of dead zoning communications during the weekend?

I’ve been practicing it for years ever since I read The Rules. I’m busy living life and doing me. If you care that much about what I’m up you can take me out on a date. Heck I’m barely reachable by text during the weekdays... I don’t believe in endlessly texting men. After 6 exchanges from me I stop texting them. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

 

[gimbap]

What do you all think of the concept of dead zoning communications during the weekend? Basically, in the early stages of dating, if a man hasn't made plans to see you over the weekend, you're unreachable until Sunday evening. So no casual chatting or texting from Friday evening to Sunday evening. I'm usually not big on strategies but this made me think of men who engage women in endless weekend chat fests but it never goes anywhere. It's definitely a strategy for modern dating. If you have a full weekend schedule and have built up a nice rotation then the unavailability during the weekend makes sense, but what if you are free that weekend? According to The Rules, he's not supposed to know that. He's supposed to wait and wonder what you're up to until you finally respond to him on Sunday evening. I guess fake it til you make it? What do you all think?

Dude I went out with 3 weekends ago has been doing this! Crickets throughout the week, calls me on Saturday wanting to talk. Invited me to hang out at the mall. First of all, are we in high school? We hanging out at the mall in our 30s? Nope, I have things to do. The next week, crickets, calls on Saturday. Can't talk, I'm out with my friend. But I'm cutting him off all together, so that's that. My weekends usually are pretty busy, date or not, so I'm incorporating this into my dating life. If you want some of my precious weekend time, make plans.

 

[movingforward13]

This is why I always tell my friends that they could be married if they really wanted to. They are single (myself included) because they dont want the men that want them.

Very true- myself included

 

[Anacaona]

Advice for dating single dads?

Going back to this question, since the majority of the men I meet and date are divorced single fathers

-Any childless ladies who dated/married men with children willing to share their experiences?
-Red flags
-Would you honestly do it over?

 

[hopeful]

Going back to this question, since the majority of the men I meet and date are divorced single fathers

-Any childless ladies who dated/married men with children willing to share their experiences?
-Red flags
-Would you honestly do it over?

Not a childless lady but a friend told me that she is suspicious of divorced men who don’t have a good relationship with their children or have limited contact with them, and blame the mother. There is often more to the story.