Dating For Marriage: Advice, Tips, Suggestions

shortdub78 said:
My daughter is like your friend, just a younger version. She is pretty and people think she is dream! Lol but when she starts talking they notice she is very quirky, she is very intelligent, and she gets super excited about topics she is interested in that, the interactions and conversations become one sided. Add in that she can only take interacting with people for so long, so she has to go into self and needs to be alone. Friends have trouble with that and feel she is ignoring them and not being a good friend. My DD by the way is a high functioning ASD person. She is a child, but she is already aware that she doesn't see herself being married and having kids. She knows her limits. She said she will have a pet.. (I don't know about that one either...lol)
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Awwwww no. I don't think she should give into that all. I seriously believe there's someone for everyone. Quirky and ASD won't stop the show. My oldest son is an aspie and I'm beating girls off of him. He's clueless by the way. :lol:
 
Zaynab said:
Awwwww no. I don't think she should give into that all. I seriously believe there's someone for everyone. Quirky and ASD won't stop the show. My oldest son is an aspie and I'm beating girls off of him. He's clueless by the way. :lol:
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That's true. I think she is aware of what she can handle. She knows she has a short attention span, patience, and lack of awareness. And she needs to be left alone a lot. She has a hard time with people touching her things, questioning her. She said she would rather be an aunt, so she can visit, and go home when she has had enough! Lol. boys fawn over her. So I don't know. And somebody would have to be able to handle the stimming and meltdowns.
For women like that, what type of advice do you give to them when everyday is Opposite Day for them? Lol
 
shortdub78 said:
That's true. I think she is aware of what she can handle. She knows she has a short attention span, patience, and lack of awareness. And she needs to be left alone a lot. She has a hard time with people touching her things, questioning her. She said she would rather be an aunt, so she can visit, and go home when she has had enough! Lol. boys fawn over her. So I don't know. And somebody would have to be able to handle the stimming and meltdowns.
For women like that, what type of advice do you give to them when everyday is Opposite Day for them? Lol
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Trust me, someone will be a okay with that. Respect is the basis for everything and as long her suitor respects her boundaries, they can build from there if that what she desires in the future.
 
Fine 4s said:
She's getting friend zoned for other unknown reasons to you all OR these guys are losers who can't see a diamond, so no loss there.
I say losers because IF they were looking for something serious, being smart and beautiful is a damn good start. I mean how quirky is she? lol
But really, I think something else is going on....but what do I know?
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She's a PhD candidate with a great gov't job so losers aren't really running around in her circles, tbh. We know why she is being friend zoned Bc once they are friends the guys are very honest with her, they try to help her Bc she really is a good person. Even in school, the guys who liked her would ask me why she said certain things.

Quirkiness can be a very appealing and endearing trait, but if it is taken passed a certain extent it can be mistaken for rudeness or become annoying. Being able to follow basic communication scripts is a necessary key in connecting with anybody.

But, not for nothing, women being beautiful and really smart/educated is so common, at least down here in FL...D.C. is very similar in that regard. The combination is almost taken for granted to a certain extent. It is a damn good start...that 736388 other women have lol
 
shortdub78 said:
That's true. I think she is aware of what she can handle. She knows she has a short attention span, patience, and lack of awareness. And she needs to be left alone a lot. She has a hard time with people touching her things, questioning her. She said she would rather be an aunt, so she can visit, and go home when she has had enough! Lol. boys fawn over her. So I don't know. And somebody would have to be able to handle the stimming and meltdowns.
For women like that, what type of advice do you give to them when everyday is Opposite Day for them? Lol
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This sounds like me.
 
MissNina said:
I'm not quite sure why, Bc this really goes against all my beliefs in LOA, but women with personalities like my friend who desire & assume they will get married and have babies typically have the hardest time manifesting it.
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It's because when you want something really badly, the yearning for it becomes a form of resistance to the law of attraction because you're so hung up on the outcome. It's when you release your expectations (i.e. Being ok with never getting married and being single) that loa works cuz that block/resistance is gone. Ever wonder why people find love when they least expect it? Or when they're truly not looking for it? That's why.
 
Zaynab said:
Awwwww no. I don't think she should give into that all. I seriously believe there's someone for everyone. Quirky and ASD won't stop the show. My oldest son is an aspie and I'm beating girls off of him. He's clueless by the way. :lol:
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I was gonna say. I could have written @shortdub78 post except dd has already halfway planned her wedding in her head and is counting down the years until she can start dating. It actually scares me a little tbh :lol:
 
caribeandiva said:
It's because when you want something really badly, the yearning for it becomes a form of resistance to the law of attraction because you're so hung up on the outcome. It's when you release your expectations (i.e. Being ok with never getting married and being single) that loa works cuz that block/resistance is gone. Ever wonder why people find love when they least expect it? Or when they're truly not looking for it? That's why.
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Interesting....when I think back to the times when I was absolutely not looking to date, that's when I would meet someone. I need to lean back and stop wanting it so much.
 
caribeandiva said:
It's because when you want something really badly, the yearning for it becomes a form of resistance to the law of attraction because you're so hung up on the outcome. It's when you release your expectations (i.e. Being ok with never getting married and being single) that loa works cuz that block/resistance is gone. Ever wonder why people find love when they least expect it? Or when they're truly not looking for it? That's why.
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I've always wanted marriage and kids. Then kinda just kids. Now I'm not sure about either one. Partially because I'm losing faith and partially because now I'm starting to enjoy my freedom (which may be fleeting due to my mother's health conditions, I may be under 30, single, and living with my mother by year's end). :cry3:
 
BEAUTYU2U said:
I've always wanted marriage and kids. Then kinda just kids. Now I'm not sure about either one. Partially because I'm losing faith and partially because now I'm starting to enjoy my freedom (which may be fleeting due to my mother's health conditions, I may be under 30, single, and living with my mother by year's end). :cry3:
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that's exactly why I wanna be single right now. Most people don't understand that.
 
TwoSnapsUp said:
Interesting....when I think back to the times when I was absolutely not looking to date, that's when I would meet someone. I need to lean back and stop wanting it so much.
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The key is to get so busy living your life to the fullest that you don't focus on your relationship status anymore. Start doing things you've always wanted, get that degree you started but never finished, start that business, go to Machu Pichu, Scuba dive, etc... That will make you so carefree and mighty attractive to others. See: Eat, pray, love. :yep:
 
Southernbella. said:
I was gonna say. I could have written @shortdub78 post except dd has already halfway planned her wedding in her head and is counting down the years until she can start dating. It actually scares me a little tbh :lol:
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I planned my wedding when I was a little girl. The groom(S) positions were obviously easily filled :look: and here I am so I wouldn't worry :lol: DD sounds prepared :yep:
 
Fine 4s said:
She's getting friend zoned for other unknown reasons to you all OR these guys are losers who can't see a diamond, so no loss there.
I say losers because IF they were looking for something serious, being smart and beautiful is a damn good start. I mean how quirky is she? lol
But really, I think something else is going on....but what do I know?
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SOunds like she'd do well with a really smart quirky dude
 
FemmeFatale said:
@Zaynab

What were some of the most valuable lessons that you learned in your first marriage? You can pm me if you prefer to.
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Being introspective it's not my best trait :lol: and if you knew me IRL, you would know I don't go below the surface much-if at all. But when people ask me that, I do have to stop and think wait what did I learn?? What would I do differently? My first thought is, I probably wouldn't do anything differently, I was a good wife and still the same wife all over again. It wasn't a bad marriage, the time was just over. My first husband was a narcissist so that within itself is a whole other beast, couple that with me being so young- it was more an entire life lesson for me. I finally decided or realized I wanted to be 100% authentically happy and I didn't have to compromise on that anymore. I got divorced when I was 39, it's true maybe that you get older, turn 40 and wake up like "wait, this isn't really what I want."

In my mind, My first marriage wasn't a failure, there were some really good times and moments I still hold close to my heart. But, I was young and dutiful to being married, being a good girl and not to myself. I think the lessons I learned were more about life in general as opposed to marriage. I put myself first on the surface but I was going through the motions of being a perfectionist, go to college, get married, have kids, be this awesome person in every facet of your life. It was exhausting. I rushed through to get to the next goal or "thing", there are some years that are blurred, I didn't stop to enjoy the moments a lot of times. It was hard being perfect for a narcissist and to myself a perfectionist. I was always holding my breath. Another thing, I can see now there's a difference between being in love and just loving a person. I spent years just loving exDH and being dutiful to him/the marriage but I didn't feel any rush of love and just sheer happiness. I wasn't unhappy either, I was just present.

I wish I could articulate how in love I feel with DH but I never can explain it. I know that people say you get married for love the first time but I would say, I didn't. I got married the first time because it was the right thing to do and it was time on my goal sheet. I wake up and have to remind myself I did just get married again because being with current DH feels like an entire lifetime, it's very simple, it's very comfortable and very easy. That's this thing you always hear about "real love" But I will tell you it's not a cliche, it's 100% true.
 
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Zaynab said:
I got married the first time because it was the right thing to do and it was time on my goal sheet.
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I feel like a lot of women make that mistake too. They’re like: well we’ve been together for so long that we might as well getting married. Otherwise it’ll make us look bad. Never mind that they’re not in love anymore. Or they get married cuz it was the next thing to cross off their list of life accomplishments. Sure some of those marriages work out for the long run. Most don’t and those people suffer in silence and never leave because “they believe in the sanctity of marriage”. Bad idea.

When so-called friends tell me to hurry up and get married cuz “you’re not getting any younger and need to start having kids”. I look at them sideways cuz that's the wrong reason to get married. I’ll end up marrying the wrong man and miserable if I did that!

Oh and the whole narcissist thing is a whole other beast. My parents are narcs and girl....
 
caribeandiva said:
I feel like a lot of women make that mistake too. They’re like: well we’ve been together for so long that we might as well getting married. Otherwise it’ll make us look bad. Never mind that they’re not in love anymore. Or they get married cuz it was the next thing to cross off their list of life accomplishments. Sure some of those marriages work out for the long run. Most don’t and those people suffer in silence and never leave because “they believe in the sanctity of marriage”. Bad idea.

When so-called friends tell me to hurry up and get married cuz “you’re not getting any younger and need to start having kids”. I look at them sideways cuz that's the wrong reason to get married. I’ll end up marrying the wrong man and miserable if I did that!

Oh and the whole narcissist thing is a whole other beast. My parents are narcs and girl....
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Unfortunately, I know a few couples like this. They get engaged because they think its the next logical step or they get engaged because everyone else is doing it. Most of those marriages didn't survive.

Waiting for God's perfect timing has served me well.
 
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TCatt86 said:
Law of Attraction? Lol
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I can see why one would think this, but I think changing your name on SM to your hopeful would be husband's last name wouldnt be a good way to exercise LOA, because its too specific. LOA is best practiced when you tell the universe what you want, but allow the universe to bring you the man that best meets your desires. The man that best meets what you have requested may or may not be the one youre dating, so you have to be open to that. Changing your name not only makes u look desperate, but it also shows that you are too emotionally attached to the outcome of that particular individual being your husband which will keep the universe from bringing you the man that is the best fit.

Hope that made sense. Lol
 
Flourishnikov said:
I can see why one would think this, but I think changing your name on SM to your hopeful would be husband's last name wouldnt be a good way to exercise LOA, because its too specific. LOA is best practiced when you tell the universe what you want, but allow the universe to bring you the man that best meets your desires. The man that best meets what you have requested may or may not be the one youre dating, so you have to be open to that. Changing your name not only makes u look desperate, but it also shows that you are too emotionally attached to the outcome of that particular individual being your husband which will keep the universe from bringing you the man that is the best fit.

Hope that made sense. Lol
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Completely agree with you :yep:. You have to ask yourself do I want him? This particular man? Or do I want to be happy, well-loved, peaceful, period. The first sounds very obsessive, entirely too focused on another human being instead of yourself, your happiness, your peace. Nothing good comes from obsession or over attachment to a specific outcome.
 
FemmeFatale said:
@Zaynab in the Ashanti thread you mentioned her not being a closer, in your opinion, what makes some women better closers than others?
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I really don't know. It maybe a personality thing, an IT girl theme, but it seems to be a constant for some women. I find many women can get a man, and then that's it. When people talk about attractive women who are single, e.g not married yet are always booed up, and they wonder why they can never really get the man they want?.. it's more about sealing the deal. It could be the men they choose but I think it's just them. Ashanti, Chilli come to mind as celebs. I still say there's a sense of desperation with those two (add Jordin Sparks in there) and men sense that. When you let a man lead the relationship, it's on his terms and not yours. Lead in this sense meaning after he's met you, probably fallen in love even, y'all are in a committed relationship, he's still not either moving towards marriage and you're sitting back like waiting on him, he knows that so now whereas you might have been in control at the beginning, you have up and let him take over. You may have stated what you expected and wanted up front at the beginning of the relationship but at some point, you didn't believe you deserved it or were worth it, so he senses that and then boom, the tables turned. Women do the choosing, if men don't feel pressed for whatever reason or you don't think you deserve what you want, they'll just let the relationship dangle as is. Woman finally leaves or the man leaves, and then he marries or becomes head over heels quickly with someone else. You see and hear this scenario over and over, dated for years, break up, man moves on, woman goes on to another relationship, etc. I just think those women can get men but not close. I'm using 'you' obviously generally. And I'm typing this while riding in the car so I hope I'm making sense.
 
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