Dating For Marriage: Advice, Tips, Suggestions

sgold04 said:
:rofl:

Great point. I've noticed the "what do you do" guys get on my dang nerves but I never thought about the provider angle.

Thank you! Your responses are refreshing and affirming.
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I know it sounds crazy :lol: but both of these things have held true for me. And trust I know some men :look: . All dudes I've met with no facial hair -unless it's for work- are coons. I haven't had this be wrong yet.

As for the what do you do? My dad told me if a man first meets you and is all into that what do you do stuff, he's not a provider. He is asking because he's counting your money to see if you're about that split bills/miss independent stuff. Women think men are all into their three degrees, real men just want to know if you're intelligent, employable and educated. :yep: The only kind of men interested in that are men who want to professional/social climb because they don't have their own personal/professional credentials, or they are users or they immediately think wow she'll be great because I don't have to pay for everything. Men who are confident in who they are as men and doing what men should do simply don't care "what do you do".

Obviously at some point into dating the what do you do question will come up but not on a first conversation/date interrogation thing. It's not the main part of who you are as a person and it's such a lazy question.
 
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Supervixen said:
Does anyone else lie wrt "what do you do?" I used to say, socialite. If the convo ended, I knew what type of guy he was...and had dodged a 'help me pay my bills' bullet.
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I honestly have had maybe 3 men in my whole dating life ask me that and I think I just said something glib like "dream about the weekend all day". Like don't ask me that, you're lucky I'm giving you my time on a date.

The other thing is the what do you do stuff is just IMO another way for a man to do less.
 
Southernbella. said:
THIS IS MEN. They will stay knowing they aren't going to marry you and halfway don't even like you that much and you will have no idea. Don't be this girl.
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Yup. My homie has been dating his neighbor for about 5 years. They travel together, post each other on SM and everyone thinks that they are going to get married...she basically lives in his apartment. She goes out of town often to visit her family and he cheats on her every time. He told me that he doesnt think that she’s pretty and he doesnt see what everyone else sees in her. He said only deals with her because she lives next door, pays for half of their trips and the relationship is convenient. She thinks that they are getting engaged and he is actively looking for a wife...he just doesnt want it to be her. Men love to waste your time if you let them.
 
deediamante said:
there were lots of issues/red flags I chose to ignore. But I was able to say "I had a man
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Way more women do this than you think. I know someone whose husband only married her for papers. It's obvious to anyone who knows them. But homegirl gets to jump on social media and brag about being married and how much she loves her husband, etc... Yet he never returns the favor. There's no trace of her at all on his social media accounts. It's always him out and about having fun alone or with other people. As soon as that green card comes in dude is bouncing! You betta believe that. But homegirl probably thinks she's better than me cuz at least she got a man! :rolleyes:
 
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Southernbella. said:
I think we underestimate the fear a lot of men have of being honest and then facing the consequences. They would rather get married/stay in a mediocre relationship indefinitely than admit that they wasted our time. It's crazy.
...
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We also have to make it easier for women to leave marriages. Society puts so much pressure on women to make it work, but doesn't spend much time thinking about the long term consequences for a woman feeling unloved and unwanted. It's almost as though no one cares. People make mistakes. People learn and grow.

When women start talking about their unhappiness or second thoughts, people rarely want to indulge her and encourage her to seek happiness or that she deserves to feel loved. It's almost as though "the marriage" becomes this living, breathing entity that matters more than human life.

How awful to spend your whole life with someone putting on a show and pretending to love you.
 
hopeful said:
We also have to make it easier for women to leave marriages. Society puts so much pressure on women to make it work, but doesn't spend much time thinking about the long term consequences for a woman feeling unloved and unwanted. It's almost as though no one cares. People make mistakes. People learn and grow.

When women start talking about their unhappiness or second thoughts, people rarely want to indulge her and encourage her to seek happiness or that she deserves to feel loved. It's almost as though "the marriage" becomes this living, breathing entity that matters more than human life.

How awful to spend your whole life with someone putting on a show and pretending to love you.
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I completely agree. No wonder so many women stay in bad marriages for years. They don't have the support that they need to leave.
 
hopeful said:
We also have to make it easier for women to leave marriages. Society puts so much pressure on women to make it work, but doesn't spend much time thinking about the long term consequences for a woman feeling unloved and unwanted. It's almost as though no one cares. People make mistakes. People learn and grow.

When women start talking about their unhappiness or second thoughts, people rarely want to indulge her and encourage her to seek happiness or that she deserves to feel loved. It's almost as though "the marriage" becomes this living, breathing entity that matters more than human life.

How awful to spend your whole life with someone putting on a show and pretending to love you.
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This. This. All of this. :yep:
 
Covagirlm said:
Yup. My homie has been dating his neighbor for about 5 years. They travel together, post each other on SM and everyone thinks that they are going to get married...she basically lives in his apartment. She goes out of town often to visit her family and he cheats on her every time. He told me that he doesnt think that she’s pretty and he doesnt see what everyone else sees in her. He said only deals with her because she lives next door, pays for half of their trips and the relationship is convenient. She thinks that they are getting engaged and he is actively looking for a wife...he just doesnt want it to be her. Men love to waste your time if you let them.
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This happens so much. I've heard this story over and over. Even people who are currently IN these dead ass relationships say and think "Well it's different with us because...." No. No. It's not. Move on.
 
Covagirlm said:
Yup. My homie has been dating his neighbor for about 5 years. They travel together, post each other on SM and everyone thinks that they are going to get married...she basically lives in his apartment. She goes out of town often to visit her family and he cheats on her every time. He told me that he doesnt think that she’s pretty and he doesnt see what everyone else sees in her. He said only deals with her because she lives next door, pays for half of their trips and the relationship is convenient. She thinks that they are getting engaged and he is actively looking for a wife...he just doesnt want it to be her. Men love to waste your time if you let them.
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This makes me so sad. But it reminds me why I don't date neighbors. I'm not trying to be convenient snatch.
 
@hopeful I agree. My time in family law has really left an impression on me regarding marriage. This is also why I advise my clients and women in general to know what you want at all times more than any other advice. It doesn't matter if he asked you to marry him within 6 months, 2 years or 10 years. People change and and men will always put their needs absolutely first. Waking up everyday to someone and in a situation that doesn't serve you can happen at any point. Adding kids, assets and debts you are legally obligated to deal with will only make the issue worse. I wholeheartedly agree that men can waste your time in dating but if marriage is the goal for you that's really a lesser concern to me as your attorney than you marrying the wrong man for you just because he asked you within a certain time frame. That said divorce is easiest for the clients who can put their needs first and ignore the peanut gallery.

I guess sometimes as selfish as it seems I think the thing that matters most is my overall happiness in any situation in life.
 
Covagirlm said:
Yup. My homie has been dating his neighbor for about 5 years. They travel together, post each other on SM and everyone thinks that they are going to get married...she basically lives in his apartment. She goes out of town often to visit her family and he cheats on her every time. He told me that he doesnt think that she’s pretty and he doesnt see what everyone else sees in her. He said only deals with her because she lives next door, pays for half of their trips and the relationship is convenient. She thinks that they are getting engaged and he is actively looking for a wife...he just doesnt want it to be her. Men love to waste your time if you let them.
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Omg that is extremely heart breaking. I couldn't know that irl
 
Zaynab said:
Girl. This happens everyday.

Remember this the next time you hear a woman talk about her ex she dated 5/7/10 years who got married in 6 months after they broke up.
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No one should be "dating" this long without a commitment - NO ONE!

A major problem is many women think "time" equals a commitment or being "exclusive" which it does NOT. In fact, it usually a sign of just the opposite.

That's why a guy who views dating as a "my options are still open" situation can move on so quickly.

I have a girlfriend who has been fooling around with the "love of her life" (her words) for 15 years! ONE DECADE AND FIVE YEARS! Their great love affair includes him cheating on her (again, his options were still open) and getting another woman pregnant. She forgave him. He's such a "great guy" that he had to marry the other woman, right? So he did. Two children later - my friend is still waiting, available on the sideline for whenever he calls with the "she doesn't understand me like you do" or "I need to see you tonight". He and the first wife eventually got divorced and guess what? He marries a NEW chick within a year! WTF, right? Wrong, he explains this marriage away as just a business arrangement - not love. My friend although she dates others, compares every guy to this "love of her life" and she is still hopeful that they will be together someday.

This whole situation makes me sad! :(
 
Zaynab said:
I don't want to know if a man supports feminism, if he marches for every SM cause. Most men aren't that deep. I want to know if he values family. If he is a provider. How he feels children should be raised. What his moral compass is as a whole. Women are getting morals/values and wokeness mixed up. I don't need to argue about if BW are this or that. If he makes disparaging or negative comments about BW, you shouldn't even be dating him.
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All of this. The thing that made me check an extra box in DH's favor was that his three "dream" women were Serena, Kelly and "Nikki Parker." To this day he goes around saying "heyyyyy Ms. Parker" to annoy me.

I didn't need him marching and burning bras. Go work.
 
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CurliDiva said:
No one should be "dating" this long without a commitment - NO ONE!

A major problem is many women think "time" equals a commitment or being "exclusive" which it does NOT. In fact, it usually a sign of just the opposite.

That's why a guy who views dating as a "my options are still open" situation can move on so quickly.

I have a girlfriend who has been fooling around with the "love of her life" (her words) for 15 years! ONE DECADE AND FIVE YEARS! Their great love affair includes him cheating on her (again, his options were still open) and getting another woman pregnant. She forgave him. He's such a "great guy" that he had to marry the other woman, right? So he did. Two children later - my friend is still waiting, available on the sideline for whenever he calls with the "she doesn't understand me like you do" or "I need to see you tonight". He and the first wife eventually got divorced and guess what? He marries a NEW chick within a year! WTF, right? Wrong, he explains this marriage away as just a business arrangement - not love. My friend although she dates others, compares every guy to this "love of her life" and she is still hopeful that they will be together someday.

This whole situation makes me sad! :(
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Omg! This made me sad.
 
hopeful said:
We also have to make it easier for women to leave marriages. Society puts so much pressure on women to make it work, but doesn't spend much time thinking about the long term consequences for a woman feeling unloved and unwanted. It's almost as though no one cares. People make mistakes. People learn and grow.

When women start talking about their unhappiness or second thoughts, people rarely want to indulge her and encourage her to seek happiness or that she deserves to feel loved. It's almost as though "the marriage" becomes this living, breathing entity that matters more than human life.

How awful to spend your whole life with someone putting on a show and pretending to love you.
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@hopeful
ITA but don't you think that it's the general pressure of NOT divorcing that plagues the couple? The women and the men seem to stay in relationships that don't serve them or grow them but hey...we made an oath to God.
ETA to the bolded, marriage is the end goal in life for many many women so I could understand this statement. For men, they don't really think about marriage until it's time to procreate (for those that want to raise the child in a two parent household.
 
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Supervixen said:
Omg! This made me sad.
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Yes it is....Some of the other sad stories that I read about in online relationship forums are women who have 1 or 2 kids with the man, have a house together, been living together for 10 -15 years and he STILL won't propose because he is not ready. Ummmm dude, the only thing missing from that relationships is the marriage license because they have everything else like a married couple

We as women have to figure our what WE want for our future. If you are marriage bound and your boyfriend is "perfect" but doesn't want to get married in the time frame that you deem suitable to get married, then you MUST walk. It will be a very, very hard thing to do but you must walk.
 
Okay ladies what are your thoughts: Married lady, Man cheating with woman at Job, do you roll up on her? If so, do you later call and apologize? have a full blown conversation? :perplexed:
 
AnjelLuvsUBabe said:
Okay ladies what are your thoughts: Married lady, Man cheating with woman at Job, do you roll up on her? If so, do you later call and apologize? have a full blown conversation? :perplexed:
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Absolutely not. What you do is take care of yourself. First your physical health, then get some good emotional support, then decide what you want and what your end game is going to be. Cheating is not always a marriage killer but the only way to stay successfully is to be sure you know what you want in the end and you are getting it. If you get a divorce there will be a host of emotions you will deal with overtime as the process progresses. But don't shoot yourself in the foot by embarrassing him at work or messing up his income. Take care of you and your kids first. The other women is not your problem and his cheating is not her fault. She will have to deal with the consequences on her own, don't invite her even further into your marriage.
 
AnjelLuvsUBabe said:
Okay ladies what are your thoughts: Married lady, Man cheating with woman at Job, do you roll up on her? If so, do you later call and apologize? have a full blown conversation? :perplexed:
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Why roll up on the other woman? The issue is with the husband and the fact that he didn't think enough of the vows he took to respect his wife and the life they built together. If the wife did roll up on the other woman why apologize? She is sleeping with someone's husband. Apologize to her for what?
 
ommns said:
Yes it is....Some of the other sad stories that I read about in online relationship forums are women who have 1 or 2 kids with the man, have a house together, been living together for 10 -15 years and he STILL won't propose because he is not ready. Ummmm dude, the only thing missing from that relationships is the marriage license because they have everything else like a married couple

We as women have to figure our what WE want for our future. If you are marriage bound and your boyfriend is "perfect" but doesn't want to get married in the time frame that you deem suitable to get married, then you MUST walk. It will be a very, very hard thing to do but you must walk.
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The bolded is key.
 
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