Dating African Men...

[Zuleika]

 

[jerseygurl]

I gave my opinion & my experience but I forgot this forum requires everyone to be an expert and politically correct in all things. Why analyze my post to make me out to seem like I'm calling African women, something I'm not?

If I offended anyone, my apologies but it is my opinion and my experience and the OP asked for our personal experience, did she not?

Calling me ignorant is uncalled for. But you girls are (and this may be real offensive) mean! And instead of educating and maybe enlightening, you like to poke and question to make someone feel bad for having an opinion. Like I'm the enemy because I think in term of typicals (when I KNOW there are all kinds but may default maybe 'look' a certain way). I'm an engineer, that's how my brain works.


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But your comment actually was ignorant unfortunately. Talking about thick accents, big butts, natural hair and being true to culture. I understand it might be your experience but you seemed condescending and the ladies picked up on that

 

[GraceV]

Some of these posts have me rolling and shaking my head at the same time. There's an art to handling naija men, a woman just has to know how to play her cards right. I love my naija men. Yes they can be annoying, overbearing, and a host of other unsavoury things but those things aren't unique to them. The naija men I know value family and take responsibility for their loved ones especially their kids- wedlock or not.

ETA: I was hanging out with a naija guy the other day. I said something like "excuse my attitude" can't remember exactly what I said. He laughed and said, "all Nigerian women have attitude." We laughed and moved on.

Now that I think about it, a typical Nigerian woman in the US is goal-oriented, professionally-inclined, and opinionated (though her personality may modify how she expresses her opinions, she still expresses them clearly). She may come across as aggressive because of these traits. When your parents send your behind to the US, you know you aren't coming here to play, there's too much to achieve. It's competition from day one.

Naija women don't typically take trash from anyone and our men know this. There are things a Nigerian man knows he will get away with in a relationship with a non-Nigerian that he would not dare try with a Nigerian woman. I'm sure it's the culture and the way we're raised. I would hypothesize that the Naija mentality in the US leans more toward type A, dominate-as-best-as-you-can. It makes sense for our men to be aggressive because our women aren't pushovers either. When you have women raised to be as aggressive as naija women are, you need men who can handle the pressure and hold their own.

Also, I think Naija men (especially those who have not lived in the US for a long time) are more aggressive in relationships or male-female interactions because back home, you're expected to be aggressive. Nobody needs a mumu or a mugu stalking her. Where I grew up, if a guy steps up to a naija girl with weak game he more than likely will get put in his place with the harshest of words. Sisters will tell him his family history and show him where to go sit. After she's done cutting him to pieces, if he can handle it and still be persistent, she'll more than likely date him That's the environment many of these men are coming from.



This is just my hypothesis and evaluation of course.

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[MayaB12]

I have had a positive relationship with a family of African men. They are like brothers to me so I would not be able to tell you anything on a romantic level. They are African princes in Nigeria. They (its 5 of them) do not 'look' like your 'typical' Nigerian men because they dress 'Americanized', light&brown skin, light eyes, very tall etc. But I love them to bits and they are super sweet, love Jesus, and treat you like family. The older brothers are all married (well one engaged) to African women that look more like your 'typical' African women (but they're pretty). They love their women and it shows. I notice African men tend to want to marry traditional African women because cultural its easier for them to conform to their standard of life. Besides them, I have had bad experiences.

I personally on a romantic level wouldn't go there because the cultural differences are far to great.

The implication here is that African women are not pretty - why you backtracking now? Judging by some of your comments it seems as if your idea of good looking is - "light & brown skin, light eyes..." I feel sad for black people worldwide - we are constantly tearing each other down and creating barriers where there should be none.

 

[allmundjoi]

The implication here is that African women are not pretty - why you backtracking now? Judging by some of your comments it seems as if your idea of good looking is - "light & brown skin, light eyes..." I feel sad for black people worldwide - we are constantly tearing each other down and creating barriers where there should be none.

At the risk of sounding like prettyfaceANB 's champion, she stated her opinion and did not backtrack. Now don't get me wrong, I did not like her opinion or agree with it (and I'm not sure what being an engineer has to do with her perspective) but its hers. She said she was speaking in 'typicals.'

GraceV-thanks for shining some light on the mindset of the Nigerian women/men you know. So this may explain why a 'hell naw' or 'get da hell on' to a Nigerian man at a club is useless. Lol, he used to it-he thinks its a part of the chase. Lol, how can I convincingly tell him that that dirty Martini he purchased me was not an engagement ring, but a drink and that's it? J/k. How do you say in Yoruba or Hausa 'get the hell on!' ? Lol.

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[GraceV]

At the risk of sounding like @prettyfaceANB 's champion, she stated her opinion and did not backtrack. Now don't get me wrong, I did not like her opinion or agree with it (and I'm not sure what being an engineer has to do with her perspective) but its hers. She said she was speaking in 'typicals.'

@GraceV-thanks for shining some light on the mindset of the Nigerian women/men you know. So this may explain why a 'hell naw' or 'get da hell on' to a Nigerian man at a club is useless. Lol, he used to it-he thinks its a part of the chase. Lol, how can I convincingly tell him that that dirty Martini he purchased me was not an engagement ring, but a drink and that's it? J/k. How do you say in Yoruba or Hausa 'get the hell on!' ? Lol.

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I think just being firm and consistent with your responses (verbal and non-verbal) should work. Be polite, thank him for the drink and KIM. Hanging around him saying "move on" isn't going to work. Put some action with your words and give him some distance.

 

[wednesday]

Oh really? He told me something like he had a work visa after graduation, went to Europe one summer to run and by the time he got back the work permit had expired. He reapplied for a student visa. Now he's taking B.S. classes at a community to stay in the country.

He kept telling me they only way he could "take care of me" is if we get married because then he can work. I kept telling him I know waaaayyyyy too many immigrants over here working and I won't even consider it until he gets that ish straight.

Hell, my professor been here 19 years working and she just become a citizen last year.

nappystorm The work permit after graduation only lasts for one year. If you leave the country while it is being processed they cancel it, trust me i know. People don't understand how hard it is to get a work permit/visa in the US. There is so much red tape and so many limitations. Sure there are plenty of illegals here working using stolen social security numbers, but if you're trying to do things legit it is so so so difficult. I'm a British citizen am in the same position and every immigration lawyer i have ever talked to (and there have been MANY) have to me to marry my SO. I'm not that desperate to live here and i only intend on getting married the one time so there is no way i would do it for papers. But people do it all the time.

 

[nappystorm]

@nappystorm The work permit after graduation only lasts for one year. If you leave the country while it is being processed they cancel it, trust me i know. People don't understand how hard it is to get a work permit/visa in the US. There is so much red tape and so many limitations. Sure there are plenty of illegals here working using stolen social security numbers, but if you're trying to do things legit it is so so so difficult. I'm a British citizen am in the same position and every immigration lawyer i have ever talked to (and there have been MANY) have to me to marry my SO. I'm not that desperate to live here and i only intend on getting married the one time so there is no way i would do it for papers. But people do it all the time.

Oh *feels sheepish*

 

[wednesday]

^^^lol, nooo don't feel sheepish!!!! I just know a lot of people think it's easier than it actually is to get papers here legit way.

 

[loved]

The friends/family I know who have been married to or had kids by them have had terrible experiences. Everyone thinks one BFF's SO put a root on her. She became like a different person and her life took a real downward spiral after they got together.

 

[jerseygurl]

The friends/family I know who have been married to or had kids by them have had terrible experiences. Everyone thinks one BFF's SO put a root on her. She became like a different person and er life took a real downward spiral after they got together.

I'm sorry to hear that but the terrible experiences could also be had by marrying or having kids with AA men. This is why I'm an advocate of marrying someone you have things in common with.

Some African men are here illegally (either their student visa expired on them or they stayed after visiting relatives). So they need to get legal and who do they turn to? Yep...AA women and they know all they have to do is to treat them nice, basically be ready to be stepped on until they get what they need from the women them all hell breaks loose. If he is a nice man, he'll take care of you no matter especially if you have kids with him. But if he's not, good luck trying to hold onto him.

 

[Danewshe]

To keep it short and sweet, I'm divorcing one! I'll never go there again...BIG no no for me.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

I think I'm beautiful and I am not light skin or have light eyes so....that's not what I meant. I think some of the most beautiful women in the world are dark, mid, light...don't matter. I was just stating they we're pretty. It didn't have to do with the fact that they are Nigerian.

That's why I said you all are ALWAYS reaching to start something with someone. ALWAYS!!! Thats why sooo many of the hair legends & veterans on this board are no longer here. Its almost a completely new set of active participates. Some of you feed on drama. You talk about me tearing down...what about you tearing me down. I apologized and i guess thats just not good enough. Maybe you just misunderstood. You'll want blood and you want a fight. I never have problems on this forum but I guess it's inevitable.

You could ask for clarification instead of hoping for oh she ignorant or oh she under a rock. Whatever, think what you want. No backtracking.


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[Maracujá]

I wasn`t too pleased about the comments about African women, esp coming from someone who is always hanging out in the Christian forum not to mention the fact that there are plenty of beautiful African women on this very forum!

 

[jerseygurl]

I think I'm beautiful and I am not light skin or have light eyes so....that's not what I meant. I think some of the most beautiful women in the world are dark, mid, light...don't matter. I was just stating they we're pretty. It didn't have to do with the fact that they are Nigerian.

That's why I said you all are ALWAYS reaching to start something with someone. ALWAYS!!! Thats why sooo many of the hair legends & veterans on this board are no longer here. Its almost a completely new set of active participates. Some of you feed on drama. You talk about me tearing down...what about you tearing me down. I apologized and i guess thats just not good enough. Maybe you just misunderstood. You'll want blood and you want a fight. I never have problems on this forum but I guess it's inevitable.

You could ask for clarification instead of hoping for oh she ignorant or oh she under a rock. Whatever, think what you want. No backtracking.


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When you say they wives your friends chose "aren't very 'Americanized' girls. Hang with Africans, talk with a thick accent, big booty, natural hair, true to culture. They were the type of women their mother would approve of", that was actually offensive to me. Why do the wives have to be Americanized? Accents are relative to geography, if you were to go to another country you would have an American accent , so I don't understand why it was mentioned at all.

I know you're a nice person so I guess this threw me for a loop. Anyway, this is a thread about dating African men and not about the women, so I'll leave it at that.

 

[allmundjoi]

I think just being firm and consistent with your responses (verbal and non-verbal) should work. Be polite, thank him for the drink and KIM. Hanging around him saying "move on" isn't going to work. Put some action with your words and give him some distance.

Lol, no you don't understand, I do
KIM. I have had this happen twice to me-I get stalked in the club after a 'free' drink. Lmbo. I need to add that very rarely do I accept such invitations.

I am very social. I talk to everyone I come into contact with. I love hearing the life experiences of others. This post was half in jest, a weak attempt on my part to keep it light. Y'all go hard on these threads. I know lots of African (many Nigerian) men that would never do as I described. And many of them if they did 'stalk' me I would welcome it. Lol.

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[okange76]

Honestly as a proud Kenyan woman, I'm so offended. Surely ladies, aren't African men black men also? We sit here every single day and talk about how not all black men are horrible or does that only apply to Non African black men? If I came here and talked trash about my experiences with Non African black men and wrote them all off for the same reasons you are all speaking about, how long would I survive here without being called everything but a child of God? Many Non African black men have done the exact same things that you are accusing African men of doing. At least 80% of the extremely horrible dating experiences we read about on this board are about AA men yet many of you have gone on and found other AA who have treated you much better and even married them. Whenever a celebrity or average joe writes off black women due to a few negative experiences, you are all up in arms about how not all black women are trifling. Well, not all African men are trifling. I guess the pain would be much less if the African man was a legal citizen vs a "fence jumper" so to speak. These sterotypes will ruin us in the long run as they will spill over into other areas of our lives especially in the work place. Our personal biases will cause us to work against each other and undermine each other thus continue failing as a Black community as a whole. We may be the only ones who know the cultural differences amongst us, but to everyone else we are all Black. I rest my case and will not comment any further.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

I never reach on this forum to offend. I never attack anyone. I always look to educate and uplift or I dont say anything at all.

I started a thread a while back about the beauty of black women in the world and on this forum in Off Topic. I am a black women champion. I adore and glory in all different skin tones and features...So give me a break...Aint no black women bashing here...Black women are the most beautiful women in the world....like I said...reaching...

It didnt speak on the personality because I geniunely dont know. I have never had African female friends. *Shrugs*

Wow what a reach....Their wives dont have to be Americanized. Who said that? I just stated they arent very Americanize and they take pride in their culture (true to culture). I am Trini so I am all about country pride. My comment was I've noticed Nigerian men to marry Nigerian women and that my friends were always really sweet to me. I gave more detail then I should. Knowing how you'll operate I should have known better. Any honest/personal comment could be picked for an attack. SMH

And because I am a Christian doesnt mean I dont have an opinion. Being a Christian doesn't make me perfect. SMH. In fact, it means I recognize I fall short and I need help. You could pray for me.

I have traveled the world. Greece, Israel, Carribean, etc...they know I am 'American' and I talk like an 'American' and I dont get offended because they think of me in this sense. I guess I am not easily offended person. I dont attack when people see me they place me in a box. That's a natural, human thing to do. It doesnt make they 'slow', 'ignorant', 'under a rock'. Most geniunely dont know because they are not around it on a regular basis and TV tells them about the world as the media sees fit. I can be a black B and give them attitutde and solidify their misconceptions...but I prefer to educate, enlighten, smile and help boarden their horizans.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

I agree....we are ALL wrong for our boxes and stereotypes...

Good men come in all colors and trifling men come in all colors.

Honestly as a proud Kenyan woman, I'm so offended. Surely ladies, aren't African men black men also? We sit here every single day and talk about how not all black men are horrible or does that only apply to Non African black men? If I came here and talked trash about my experiences with Non African black men and wrote them all off for the same reasons you are all speaking about, how long would I survive here without being called everything but a child of God? Many Non African black men have done the exact same things that you are accusing African men of doing. At least 80% of the extremely horrible dating experiences we read about on this board are about AA men yet many of you have gone on and found other AA who have treated you much better and even married them. Whenever a celebrity or average joe writes off black women due to a few negative experiences, you are all up in arms about how not all black women are trifling. Well, not all African men are trifling. I guess the pain would be much less if the African man was a legal citizen vs a "fence jumper" so to speak. These sterotypes will ruin us in the long run as they will spill over into other areas of our lives especially in the work place. Our personal biases will cause us to work against each other and undermine each other thus continue failing as a Black community as a whole. We may be the only ones who know the cultural differences amongst us, but to everyone else we are all Black. I rest my case and will not comment any further.

 

[Danewshe]

Wow this thread is going downhill fast! Before it dies, let me just say this. It doesn't matter what race or ethnicity you go for....What you put out is you get back, meaning, if you're gonna be someones doormat, they're sure as hell gonna drag their feet all over you! I'm just sad I had to learn the hard way. I think it just so happens that some men from that part of the world think it's ok to mistreat a woman becuase she's not part of his tribe or culture. But if you were a strong and confident woman, they wouldn't even try it with you.

my two pennies.....

 

[Honey Bee]

Honestly as a proud Kenyan woman, I'm so offended. Surely ladies, aren't African men black men also? We sit here every single day and talk about how not all black men are horrible or does that only apply to Non African black men? If I came here and talked trash about my experiences with Non African black men and wrote them all off for the same reasons you are all speaking about, how long would I survive here without being called everything but a child of God?Many Non African black men have done the exact same things that you are accusing African men of doing. At least 80% of the extremely horrible dating experiences we read about on this board are about AA men yet many of you have gone on and found other AA who have treated you much better and even married them. Whenever a celebrity or average joe writes off black women due to a few negative experiences, you are all up in arms about how not all black women are trifling. Well, not all African men are trifling. I guess the pain would be much less if the African man was a legal citizen vs a "fence jumper" so to speak. These sterotypes will ruin us in the long run as they will spill over into other areas of our lives especially in the work place. Our personal biases will cause us to work against each other and undermine each other thus continue failing as a Black community as a whole. We may be the only ones who know the cultural differences amongst us, but to everyone else we are all Black. I rest my case and will not comment any further.

@okange76, They do it everyday around here, tbh. You would be in 'good' company.

eta: On topic, I've never dated an African guy, so I have nothing to add. Oh, almost forgot, one of my 'typically Latina-looking,' Muslim aunts married a West African guy, but I only saw her once while they were married, so I didn't get all of his back-story. All I know is, at the end of the day, they had a kid, and he went back home to some woman. My aunt didn't seem too broken up about it. I think he left her the condo.

 

[jerseygurl]

prettyfaceANB, maybe I took your comment the wrong way, for that I apologize that's why I said I was kinda thrown off when I read your comment. I don't know you to instigate things. I guess I'm fed up of hearing these stereotypes but now you've clarified, it's all good.

okange76, I agree with you 100%.

 

[RossBoss]

@okange76, They do it everyday around here, tbh. You would be in 'good' company.

That's what I was thinking. Black Americans are the "White folks" of this board. You know, you can call White folks any name under the sun, but the minute you call out other "minority" groups, people get offended. LOL.

 

[RossBoss]

I'm sorry to hear that but the terrible experiences could also be had by marrying or having kids with AA men. This is why I'm an advocate of marrying someone you have things in common with.

Some African men are here illegally (either their student visa expired on them or they stayed after visiting relatives). So they need to get legal and who do they turn to? Yep...AA women and they know all they have to do is to treat them nice, basically be ready to be stepped on until they get what they need from the women them all hell breaks loose. If he is a nice man, he'll take care of you no matter especially if you have kids with him. But if he's not, good luck trying to hold onto him.

Any Black American woman who falls for this scam a la Terry McMillan DESERVES everything she gets. There is no way I am looking at a guy who does not have a green card and is in the market for one. My cousin fell head over heels for some African guy (don't remember what African country he was from) my uncle (her father) shut that down right away because I think there were some green card issues and even though she was a grown woman at the time, my uncle told him that if he did not get away from his daughter he was going to put a bullet in his head and that right there did it. My cousin has since married a great guy and is thankful her dad did that. Some people can be so gullible.

 

[Honey Bee]

That's what I was thinking. Black Americans are the "White folks" of this board. You know, you can call White folks any name under the sun, but the minute you call out other "minority" groups, people get offended. LOL.

RossBoss, Preach!

And that goes for the little unfortunate sidebar that took place with prettyfaceANB. Not saying she was trynna start stuff because she doesn't come off like that, but you see how, soon as you fix your mouth to say something about an African woman, it's on and poppin. Meanwhile... you know the rest...


ok, enough derailing for me, back to African men. It was an interesting read.

 

[RossBoss]

@RossBoss, Preach!

And that goes for the little unfortunate sidebar that took place with @prettyfaceANB. Not saying she was trynna start stuff because she doesn't come off like that, but you see how, soon as you fix your mouth to say something about an African woman, it's on and poppin. Meanwhile... you know the rest...


ok, enough derailing for me, back to African men. It was an interesting read.

Preach! This is why I knew that starting this thread would be a waste of the OP's time, because as soon as the posters shared their experiences it would be "But not ALL African men do that", which is TRUE, but I notice that posters are allowed to talk about bad experiences with Black American guys without those comments. Again, Black Americans are the White folks of this board.

 

[SqrpioQutie]

Also, I think Naija men (especially those who have not lived in the US for a long time) are more aggressive in relationships or male-female interactions because back home, you're expected to be aggressive. Nobody needs a mumu or a mugu stalking her. Where I grew up, if a guy steps up to a naija girl with weak game he more than likely will get put in his place with the harshest of words. Sisters will tell him his family history and show him where to go sit. After she's done cutting him to pieces, if he can handle it and still be persistent, she'll more than likely date him That's the environment many of these men are coming from.



This is just my hypothesis and evaluation of course.

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that explains SO MUCH to me!!!... i always wondered why they seemed oblivious to my attempts to cut em off if i wasn't interested... obviously i'm nowhere near as harsh as what they may be used to.... and here i was thinking i was the meanest of the mean....

i learn something new everyday!!!

 

[Danewshe]

Any Black American woman who falls for this scam a la Terry McMillan DESERVES everything she gets. There is no way I am looking at a guy who does not have a green card and is in the market for one. My cousin fell head over heels for some African guy (don't remember what African country he was from) my uncle (her father) shut that down right away because I think there were some green card issues and even though she was a grown woman at the time, my uncle told him that if he did not get away from his daughter he was going to put a bullet in his head and that right there did it. My cousin has since married a great guy and is thankful her dad did that. Some people can be so gullible.

Unfortunately things aren't always that simple and to say someone deserves to be duped like that is a bit harsh methinks!

I'm just glad your uncle shut it down, but what if your cus didn't have a good network around her? It may have turned out differently.

 

[RossBoss]

Unfortunately things aren't always that simple and to say someone deserves to be duped like that is a bit harsh methinks!

I'm just glad your uncle shut it down, but what if your cus didn't have a good network around her? It may have turned out differently.

You are right, especially considering the fact that so many Black girls don't have protective fathers or other male figures in their lives, so yeah, that was a bit harsh.

If my uncle had not stepped in, it would have turned out differently for sure. Also, the fact that the guy was a Fright Night, he looked like a cross between Seal and Shabba Ranks, didn't help his case either. LOL! But knowing how crazy my father's side of the family is, he was not going to put a ring on my cousin's finger as long as her father was alive and breathing.

 

[mischka]

Honestly as a proud Kenyan woman, I'm so offended. Surely ladies, aren't African men black men also? We sit here every single day and talk about how not all black men are horrible or does that only apply to Non African black men? If I came here and talked trash about my experiences with Non African black men and wrote them all off for the same reasons you are all speaking about, how long would I survive here without being called everything but a child of God? Many Non African black men have done the exact same things that you are accusing African men of doing. At least 80% of the extremely horrible dating experiences we read about on this board are about AA men yet many of you have gone on and found other AA who have treated you much better and even married them. Whenever a celebrity or average joe writes off black women due to a few negative experiences, you are all up in arms about how not all black women are trifling. Well, not all African men are trifling. I guess the pain would be much less if the African man was a legal citizen vs a "fence jumper" so to speak. These sterotypes will ruin us in the long run as they will spill over into other areas of our lives especially in the work place. Our personal biases will cause us to work against each other and undermine each other thus continue failing as a Black community as a whole. We may be the only ones who know the cultural differences amongst us, but to everyone else we are all Black. I rest my case and will not comment any further.

I pretty much do that here and they still tolerate me... lol