Can he ever become man enough?

[tigerrose]

Ladies,

I would like your feedback on this situation because I
don't want to eliminate a guy for being too nice. I wonder
if it is possible for men over the age of 35 to change...
even if they really wanted to. I was reading something by
Tony Gaskins in Essence where he stated that a man who knows
he has found the One will do whatever it takes to get ready for her.

I am a strong woman because I have had to take care of myself
as a single woman. I realize that I need a strong man as my husband.
For me that includes a man willing to take charge in our relationship.
Not dominate me, but in addition to being a protector and provider,
he needs to be comfortable making decisions. He also needs to be a leader.

I realized I viewed a guy as weak, and as a result lost respect for him,
because although he is a provider type, he is too comfortable with the
woman taking charge in the relationship. He is really nice but it just
seems like he can never become the strong man I need. And I can never
be with a guy I don't respect either.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

I doubt most women could be with a man they don't respect presuming it's not a financial decision.

Why do you view him as weak?

 

[tigerrose]

I doubt most women could be with a man they don't respect presuming it's not a financial decision.

Why do you view him as weak?

I think he is just too sensitive. Like his feelings get hurt easily if
you don't give him enough attention. I'm not clingy and it is a
turn off for me when a guy is.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

I think he is just too sensitive. Like his feelings get hurt easily if
you don't give him enough attention. I'm not clingy and it is a
turn off for me when a guy is.

I wouldn't call that a sign of being weak and not a leader. Clingy could mean a lot of things. He could be lonely or maybe he is the jealous type and wants you all to himself. Or maybe you just don't like him that much. Having a guy you like want to spend every free moment with you is great but a guy you don't like, yeah, not so much.

 

[PeaceFlow]

I think he is just too sensitive. Like his feelings get hurt easily if
you don't give him enough attention. I'm not clingy and it is a
turn off for me when a guy is.

My friend married a man like this lol.

The funny thing is after her telling him to pull it together many times he is now strong, less tearful and non clingy. Now she misses it I think what she ultimately felt was it being too extreme at the start but now she realises she wouldn't mind if it was somewhere in the middle lol.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

My favorite aunt always told me to be careful how I shaped DH because I might miss some of his compassion. I took that advice to heart.

My friend married a man like this lol.

The funny thing is after her telling him to pull it together many times he is now strong, less tearful and non clingy. Now she misses it I think what she ultimately felt was it being too extreme at the start but now she realises she wouldn't mind if it was somewhere in the middle lol.

 

[tigerrose]

My favorite aunt always told me to be careful how I shaped DH because I might miss some of his compassion. I took that advice to heart.

naturalmanenyc you hit the nail on the head for me.
As I sort out my feelings, I was wondering if it is possible to
shape a man into a stronger man once you marry him.
Especially if he is older, because it seems harder to change
your personality as you grow older.

I definitely love his heart because he is compassionate,
but I'm not so sure about the too sensitive part.

 

[Theresamonet]

None of the things you've described make him less of a man. He just may not be the right man for you.

 

[movingforward13]

None of the things you've described make him less of a man. He just may not be the right man for you.

I second this. By 35, this guy will be whom ever he is. Something major is going to have to happen for him to change (not a woman). People don't just relearn new behaviors, usually something happens.
Also I disagree with the quote, a man will change (get ready) when he finds a woman. He may change in the sense of being faithful and settling down but his core characteristics will not change. Someone who is mean does not become nice because of a woman. That person has to want to change within themselves.

 

[tigerrose]

I second this. By 35, this guy will be whom ever he is. Something major is going to have to happen for him to change (not a woman). People don't just relearn new behaviors, usually something happens.
Also I disagree with the quote, a man will change (get ready) when he finds a woman. He may change in the sense of being faithful and settling down but his core characteristics will not change. Someone who is mean does not become nice because of a woman. That person has to want to change within themselves.

I agree that by age 35 they are who they are.
And my expectation for that age is that they are already established.

Thanks ladies for the feedback. I see that he is not the right one
if I'm desiring changes in his personality.

 

[hunnychile]

He may surprise you, OP. My man is very mild and sweet but very manly in other ways, almost like a father. Seeing how hard he works and how smart he is with money makes me respect and appreciate his manliness in other ways.

He does get those flashes of "manliness" I think I'm looking for when I piss him off though.

My point is he IS a man and if you love him it may be worth it to see his version of manliness. I will say I had a similar issue with my bf and the tables turned when he started making more money than me. I like that he's taken charge but hate that I get away with much less.

 

[tigerrose]

He may surprise you, OP. My man is very mild and sweet but very manly in other ways, almost like a father. Seeing how hard he works and how smart he is with money makes me respect and appreciate his manliness in other ways.

He does get those flashes of "manliness" I think I'm looking for when I piss him off though.

My point is he IS a man and if you love him it may be worth it to see his version of manliness. I will say I had a similar issue with my bf and the tables turned when he started making more money than me. I like that he's taken charge but hate that I get away with much less.

hunnychile I agree that there are different versions
of manliness. I am willing to accept a guy for who he is,
even if he is mild mannered, but he must be the masculine energy
in our relationship.

I also think your example of your man taking charge once
he started making more money shows how importance confidence is.
His salary boost probably boosted his confidence and in turn his masculinity.

Knowing you have his back no matter what must have built him
up even more. I can see where it is worth being patient in your situation.

 

[ThirdEyeBeauty]

I don't care for the man appearing as a father figure towards me but being a leader is different in my opinion. Ways for him to be not only the provider but a leader is having him treat you like a queen. What are ways he can treat you as a queen? He will escort you around (allow you to walk ahead/beside him rather than behind him), he pays for dining out. You allow him to solve problems rather than simply venting to him. Let him go out of his way to fix a flat tire or other things he knows how to do. Be extremely respectful towards him. Allow him to spoil you sometimes. Let him know that you don't tolerate bad/ruin behavior and you sense that he agrees by the ways he treats you.

 

[caribeandiva]

tigerrose, i know exactly what you are trying to describe. I want the same thing so I can relate. You basically want an alpha male. He doesn't have to be the obnoxious, loud mouth stereotype of that term. Thats a turn off. You want an alpha male with heart. Am I right? That's the type I'm attracted to. The ones even though they may be reserved, they have a quiet strength and confidence about them and you can sense it. That is my type.

 

[tigerrose]

tigerrose, i know exactly what you are trying to describe. I want the same thing so I can relate. You basically want an alpha male. He doesn't have to be the obnoxious, loud mouth stereotype of that term. Thats a turn off. You want an alpha male with heart. Am I right? That's the type I'm attracted to. The ones even though they may be reserved, they have a quiet strength and confidence about them and you can sense it. That is my type.

caribeandiva you are exactly right!
I prefer alpha males with heart. I love men with a
quiet strength about them because that is how I am.
He needs to be as stong as I am or stronger.

 

[Kindheart]

He's simply not your type .move on.

 

[MixedBerry]

OP, it sounds like you want an Alpha male. It sounds like you have found a nice and kind Beta male. Absolutely nothing wrong with them at all, but you do have to accept that you may "wear the pants" in the relationship. Once you recognize and understand that, it could be one the best relationships ever. But you have to accept it; that he may never be "strong" in the way you believe strong to be.

Beta males are are awesome and provide their hearts out. It is impossible for them to be selfish. They are kind, calm, practical, intelligent, aim to please, and very handsome...just to name a few things.

Can you accept your Beta man, OP?

 

[caribeandiva]

^Sorry, I can't. Alphas all the way for me. I need a man who wants to wear the pants in the relationship.