letting go of a GOOD MAN because he's not the BEST MAN for you

[tuffCOOKiE]

I would just let the perfect man go.

Just because he's a good man, doesn't mean he's good for you. You will be miserable and probably do horrible things to him, like ignore him, flirt w other ppl in front of his face, cheat on him, not give him what he deserves as someone in a committed relationship.

It's true, it's a hard decision but you're wasting his life and yours if you're truly not interested and you're just "settling". I would honestly say, if you're young, dump him. There's no future in fronting and it's so sad when I run into women that settled and never fell in love with the man they married because well, it's sad.

 

[kurlybella]

kurly, from your post--which describes the man as "excellent" and us as "in love with him"--it sounds like you mean everything internal (his character, your love for him, his love for you) is well.

That tells me you are talking about external circumstances or environment not aligning, such that the union is not ideal (or at least gives you pause).

Am I understanding correctly? I think the clarification will help people in their answers.

no, not external at all. the internal feeling that though i love you, this is not it. i'm basing that off the the article i read and linked to.

 

[Browndilocks]

I've done this, and the resentment grew until i resented him too.

A bird in the hand is DEFINITELY NOT worth two in the bush...
When I 'broke up' with him... or stopped seeing him, i was actually very relieved.

He, however, was the sweetest man i've dated in a long while... so i definitely know he'll be great for someone. just not me.

Exactly. And when it was over I was instantly happier. Every time he crosses my mind, I find myself hoping he hooked up with someone as nice as he is.

 

[YankeeCandle]

no, not external at all. the internal feeling that though i love you, this is not it. i'm basing that off the the article i read and linked to.

Ah, I see. I did skim the article, but it spoke in general terms that could be applied to a lot of things.

So when you say "you fall in love with a wonderful man," you actually mean "love but feel you're still missing something internally" ?

 

[NaturalEnigma]

Thanks for the post! I've been thinking about my ex-boyfriend recently. He was a great guy, respectful, smart, funny, handsome, and successful, my family absolutely loved him and I did too. The only problem is he wasn't affectionate, we were together for a year, and he never told me he loved me, I could count on one hand how many times he told me I was pretty, or held my hand. Even though we were together I felt so alone. I talked to him about it and he told me he was raised in a house where affection was frowned upon. The funny thing is I KNOW he loved me, but he just couldn't show it. He promised me he would change, but I could tell, he could never offer me the affection I deserved. I broke up with him, and I felt so guilty after. In my head he seemed like the perfect guy, but in my heart I knew he wasn't the one.

 

[Ediese]

Great thread.

I've done this twice before. It's always such a hard decision to make. I remember talking to some friends, and having them tell me that I'm so crazy to let a 'good man like that go'. In the end, I knew that they just weren't right for me.

I dated someone about 4 years ago, and we were inseparable. My family loved him, and I cared deeply for him. Our relationship was at a breaking point. He was pressuring me to make that everlasting committment. In my mind, I wasn't ready. As a matter of fact, I told him that I needed space because I felt smothered.

I was working fulltime and taking a full load of courses. I even started working a part time job. The only break I had was on Sundays, and I wanted to relax then. He starting complaining about me not spending enough time with him, blah blah blah. I kept trying to make things work because everyone was in my ear telling me that I would make a huge mistake by letting him go.

After a while, I didn't care. I felt suffocated and I started detesting him. I called things off, and he was really broken up about it. His dad passed away a couple weeks after our breakup, so I came around to help support him. He figured that we were back on because of that. Anyway, I realized that I needed to distance myself from him. About 3-4 months later, I found out that he had gotten married. I knew I had made the right decision when I realized that I was genuinely happy for him, and it didn't affect me in anyway.

My ex is a very GOOD man. I'm not only talking about external factors either. He's loving, faithful,selfless, etc. He told me after just a couple weeks of dating that he was planning to marry me. I cared deeply for him, and he adored me. I don't think I've ever been so in sync with another person. I knew I could trust him with my life. Even with all of that, I knew I had love for him, but I didn't love him the way I should.

As time went on, I tried my hardest to change the way I felt. Over time, the way I felt about him became more roommatish (yea I know that's not a word). I started resenting him a bit, and it irritated me to be around him all the time. Whenever he'd try to be affectionate, I cringed. How could I seriously consider marrying him when I didn't even want to have sex with him? When I didn't feel anything when he kissed me? Uh uh...I knew that I couldn't go on that way so I ended it. Even to this day, he wants us to try again, but I'm positive that I can't. I think he'll make a good husband and father for someone else.

I don't mind holding out for the one that's meant for me..perfect in my eyes. Now that I'm over the, ''if I let him go, I might not find anyone as good shtick'', I have no problems letting go of 'good men.' It seems like the new one always ends up being even better anyway. This guy I dated once told me that there aren't a lot of available good men like him, and I needed to jump on board esp. since there were so many women for them to choose from. I quickly reassured him that I've never had an issue finding them, and his little stats didn't apply to me. lol He was pissed.

Why settle? There are a lot of good men out there. I'm simply looking for someone that I'm compatible with in every way, and that shares the same core values. I would be really upset to settle for less.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Wow...this post came so on time for me.

I was JUST thinking about a guy that I broke things off with earlier this year. I've been asking myself lately: "Did I make the right decision??"

I've only dumped 2 guys in my lifetime so far who were "nice guys", but just weren't the RIGHT guys for me.

GUY #1- He was very sweet, but there just wasn't any real CHEMISTRY. Talking to him on the phone was a bore, he was SHORT, and he didn't seem to have much going on upstairs if you know what I mean. He treated me well though, and it was obvious that he was into me. But I just didn't "FEEL" it for him. Plus, I was still burned pretty badly from a previous relationship, so maybe he was just there are the wrong time in my life.

GUY #2- He's the one I broke up with earlier this year. Now he was SWEET. A reformed "bad boy", so he definitely appreciated my "good girl" qualities. He was awesome in that he bought me gifts, always showered me with attention and compliments, and I could definitely tell he was into me. He could make me laugh, and talking to him on the phone was never boring. But when we would meet together IN PERSON......I just didn't feel ANYTHING for him! Not in that way! It got to the point where I would almost cringe if he wanted to come over my house to see me. IMO...I don't think it should EVER be like that....especially when you're JUST getting to know each other. Not only that, but he was such a downer, and he really needed to get his life in order as well. I just knew I couldn't put up with that day in and day out if he were my husband. I just KNEW I was settling...and that's not a good feeling. It wasn't fair to the guy either.

It is better to be in a relationship with a good man who adores you than to be alone waiting for the "perfect man" who may not ever come.

I'd say keep that good man and be happy with him.

See, here's what I'm afraid of. What if I dumped these two perfectly nice guys who were into me, and I NEVER find someone who's into me like that again? That's my fear.

But on a whole, I don't regret what I did in the long run at all. I know those guys will find women (one already is engaged) who love them the way that THEY should be loved. I wouldn't want less for them. I shouldn't want LESS for me either.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I've done this, to a great guy. He just wasn't the man for me. I tried to stick it out because of his great qualities & I knew how much he was into me. Yet the longer I stayed with him trying to overlook the fact that "it" wasnt there, I began to have resentment. Not necessarily against him, but perhaps against the lie I was living. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt him or resent him so I did us both a favor and let it go.

What SHE said.

It's not about wanting a perfect man. It's about wanting a man that you click with, have chemistry with, look forward to seeing, etc...

He may be a good man, but not for you. I had a couple men interested in me that were wonderful. But I felt absolutely nothing romantic for them. It wasn't fair to them and definitely not to me to keep a relationship going with them.

DITTO.


Trust me, I LOVE "Good men". I'm not looking for the "perfect man". Just a man who not only loves me, but one that I love as well!

-A man who I have that romantic SPARK with.
-A man who I have MUTUAL chemistry with.
-A man who I'm attracted to physically, emotionally, mentally, intellectually, and spiritually.
-A man who is like my BEST friend...someone I can feel comfortable sharing things with, making each other laugh, etc.
-A man who I look forward to seeing, spending time with, talking to, cuddling with, kissing, coloring with (after marriage of course!)
-A man who makes me feel GOOD (not guilty or resentful) when I'm with him
-A man who makes me forget about any other guy in the room (with other guys I was settling with, I was always worried about: "what if I find someone better??" )

So there you have it ladies!

 

[HoneyDew]

I was married to a very good man. He loved me and I know what it feels like for a man to truly love a woman, something some women never experience. But he was not for me. Eventually I started resenting him. No matter how good he was and how much he loved me, I needed to spread my wings. Needless to say I am divorced. And very happy.

 

[Ese88]

Ediese thanks for sharing that. I dont mean to pry so feel free not to reply but did things not work out with the person he married? I noticed you said he still wants to try. I so get what you mean about not wanting to have sex & just like cringing when they touch you. It's so heartbreaking because they are so good to you but it's just like the spark is not there

 

[Renewed1]

It is better to be in a relationship with a good man who adores you than to be alone waiting for the "perfect man" who may not ever come.

I'd say keep that good man and be happy with him.

I strongly disagree. Why hold on to someone you have to "learn to love" or should I say FORCE yourself to love.

I would think the guy knows that you don't love him -- like he loves you. Deep down you're just hurting him - and what if the BEST man for you comes along. You may cheat and hurt the good man that loves you. It's too complicated and a lot of drama.

No thanks!

 

[Britt]

What SHE said.



DITTO.


Trust me, I LOVE "Good men". I'm not looking for the "perfect man". Just a man who not only loves me, but one that I love as well!

-A man who I have that romantic SPARK with.
-A man who I have MUTUAL chemistry with.
-A man who I'm attracted to physically, emotionally, mentally, intellectually, and spiritually.
-A man who is like my BEST friend...someone I can feel comfortable sharing things with, making each other laugh, etc.
-A man who I look forward to seeing, spending time with, talking to, cuddling with, kissing, coloring with (after marriage of course!)
-A man who makes me feel GOOD (not guilty or resentful) when I'm with him
-A man who makes me forget about any other guy in the room (with other guys I was settling with, I was always worried about: "what if I find someone better??" )

So there you have it ladies!

:thatsall:

Pretty much exactly how I feel.
Oddly enough, my ex is physically everything I'd want in a dude, and I was very attracted to him, however the more and more I began to see certain qualities in him, the more turned off I became. So in this case, I initially jumped on someone who was quintessentially what I was attracted to and thought his persona would match his exterior... but low and behold it's quite the opposite.. I basically 'got got' .
There is another dude that I went to HS w/ that's one of my FB friends and he and I chat occasionally but as soon as I found out he's tiny I was kinda turned off. But I will still likely meet up w/ him anyway just to see if a spark is there. I don't want to make a full assessment based off the fact that dude is like 7 lbs heavier than me . I will at least meet up w/ him to see what he's like now.

 

[Ediese]

Ediese thanks for sharing that. I dont mean to pry so feel free not to reply but did things not work out with the person he married? I noticed you said he still wants to try. I so get what you mean about not wanting to have sex & just like cringing when they touch you. It's so heartbreaking because they are so good to you but it's just like the spark is not there

Hope my story wasn't confusing. I was talking about two different guys. The one that wants to try again is my ex. He's not married.

 

[Creatividual]

For me, I have to feel some kind of energetic pull towards you. I'd be pissed if a said boyfriend were to say the reason why he's with me is b/c I'm a "nice girl". Word, that's it? I don't want to be anybody's charity case. You aren't doing me any favors keeping me around soley because I'm a good woman and that's it. That means, you're "settling" for me and I am not anyone's settlement. I don't challenge you, excite you about things, push you to be a better person, etc? These things are important to me. I've tried sticking around with nice guys in hopes that I would develop something b/c I knew that they were "nice" and "treat women right". I felt nothing for them but a good friendship and honestly if after 3 months I don't feel something for a man, I'm not going to. It can't be made to fit. We aren't compatible with every good man that comes our way ya know.

 

[*CherryPie*]

I think that was a different guy. She said there were TWO guys.

ETA: I'm seeing that she already answered the question.

Ediese thanks for sharing that. I dont mean to pry so feel free not to reply but did things not work out with the person he married? I noticed you said he still wants to try. I so get what you mean about not wanting to have sex & just like cringing when they touch you. It's so heartbreaking because they are so good to you but it's just like the spark is not there

 

[Glib Gurl]

First off, where is Bunny? *looks around*

You all know that I've been trying to decide about my future with Dutch Chocolate. So I find this thread of great interest. A few comments

I would honestly say, if you're young, dump him. There's no future in fronting and it's so sad when I run into women that settled and never fell in love with the man they married because well, it's sad.

What if you're NOT young?

This guy I dated once told me that there aren't a lot of available good men like him, and I needed to jump on board esp. since there were so many women for them to choose from. I quickly reassured him that I've never had an issue finding them, and his little stats didn't apply to me. lol

So, what if finding decent men HAS been a problem for a woman? What is she's fat or unattractive? Does that change the advice?

 

[Glib Gurl]

 

[Glib Gurl]

Dang, well I guess I have my response!

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

First off, where is Bunny? *looks around*


What if you're NOT young?

So, what if finding decent men HAS been a problem for a woman? What is she's fat or unattractive? Does that change the advice?

Good questions Glib!

Honestly, I wish I had a clear-cut well-thought out answer, but I don't. I'm a "newbie" to serious long-term relationships myself, so maybe I'm not the right person to be giving out advice

All I can go by are my own personal experiences. I say that even if you're NOT young, or even if you're "unattractive", I STILL don't think you should settle. Men RARELY if ever settle. So, why should women?

On the other hand however, you really have to weigh your options, and YOUR personal priorities. For SOME women....after they pass thier 20's or even 30's they start to realize based on experiences with previous relationships that perhaps that "spark" isn't as important to them as they originally thought. :scratchch Perhaps they have had bad relationship after bad relationship and now just want a man who GENUINELY loves and cares for them and treats them right. Sometimes your life experiences can really shape your judgement and views.

So....while I will say that you shouldn't settle for a "good man" if you feel repulsed by him (because that's really not fair to you OR him), you also shouldn't "settle" for a man who is attractive on the outside and gives you that "spark"....but who treats you like DIRT and makes your life a living tragedy.

Sometimes you can be settling because the guy gives you those goosebumps and butterflies in the stomach, but because of this "feeling" that you have you end up SETTLING in the sense that you take his crap and abuse for years and never call him on the carpet for it. OR....you come crawling back to him just to have to endure more abuse/ignoring from him. Smh....

So no....I don't want to settle with a man that I'm not in love with, but at the same time I dont' want to SETTLE with a man that I'm head over heels with but who ignores me, puts me down, and treats me like crap. I dont' know for sure which is worse, but if I was FORCED to choose, I think I would prefer a man who I wasn't too crazy about but who treated me like a QUEEN, as opposed to a man who I was wildly attracted to but who treated me like I was a second-class citizen.

Just my .02 cents.

 

[lunabelle]

I had to do this and it was the hardest thing ever! We had been together for six years, he was my first, older than me, very attractive, but somewhere along the way I lost that spark for him. He was a great guy; good cook, very creative, family oriented, loved his family etc. But the longer I stayed I knew I was doing us both a huge disservice. It would break my heart when he could tell the difference in my attitude and I couldn't explain what was wrong. I ended up meeting someone else shortly after I finally told him I needed some time and now a year and a half later we're getting married. The riskiest decision I ever made but I felt I deserved a chance at true happiness and I never been happier!!

 

[Bunny77]

Quick answer...

While I've never personally had to do this (never was in a relationship long enough to make this choice), I had a friend who had to make a decision like what Crimsonvixen mentioned. He was a GREAT guy, loved God (she was very into church so this was important) and was a good father.

Now, she was about 25 and although she wasn't opposed to marrying a man with kids, she also wanted to go to a certain law school away from where he was and she knew she would put her dreams and life on hold to become his wife.

She broke up with him, and felt awful about it. But she went to law school.

A year later, she met the man who would become her husband. She got married about four years after breaking up with the nice guy that wasn't right for her, and now she and her hubby have a beautiful little boy.

 

[French Rouge]

have you ever been in a relationship with someone who would be an excellent husband, father and lover but something is just not there fully to click it all into place?

you fall in love with a wonderful man, but he's just not the man for you and you are not the right woman for him?

have you ever let go of a GOOD MAN because he's not the BEST MAN for you?
http://singlemomdating.wordpress.co...d-guy-because-he-is-not-the-best-guy-for-you/

I've been in this situation. Before I got married, I was involved with a guy that was everything a woman would normally look for in a man. I loved him, but I was not in love with him. I broke it off, because he was not right for me.

Marrying the wrong man IMHO is just as bad as marrying a creep. Normally, the person who ends up settling will destroy the relationship from the inside out when resentment sets in. I don't think a person can put their all into a relationship if they aren't 100% invested in their partner.

Now both me and the guy are both happily married with partners that compliment both of us well.

 

[Glib Gurl]

the longer I stayed I knew I was doing us both a huge disservice. It would break my heart when he could tell the difference in my attitude and I couldn't explain what was wrong. I ended up meeting someone else shortly after I finally told him I needed some time and now a year and a half later we're getting married. The riskiest decision I ever made but I felt I deserved a chance at true happiness and I never been happier!!

Wait - you and the guy you broke up with or you and the guy you left him for?

 

[filthyfresh]

This is so right on time for me. I just broke up with my "good man" the other day. He's educated, sweet, charismatic, nice, respectful, successful, and all that. Handsome, God-fearing. We were together 5 months. I felt a bit stifled. Plus he had a dark side that I just didn't care for. He's an extremely jealous Aries. Plus I didn't like how he talked to me sometimes, it was almost like I was a subordinate. He wanted me to almost depend on him, kind of. I care for him deeply but I know that I'll never be what he needs. I'd rather hurt for a few months than be miserable for the rest of my life. He's so supportive & has a brilliant mind. I wouldn't mind being his friend in the future. But just not his girlfriend.

 

[QueenTiffany]

I let go of a "good one" and ended up marrying "the one."
Marriage is way too important and precious to spend it with someone who doesn't stimulate your mind, your body AND your soul.

 

[weaveologist]

I wish my mother could read this thread. She always pushes me to date the "good" ones because they are beneficial for me. "What's love got to do with it" is her favorite saying. But my comeback always is "But I at least have to like him". Being in love comes and goes. The butterflies come and go. But if you have a genuine like and kinship with someone, it will most likely last.

How can you learn to love someone that you don't even like??

 

[Britt]

I wish my mother could read this thread. She always pushes me to date the "good" ones because they are beneficial for me. "What's love got to do with it" is her favorite saying. But my comeback always is "But I at least have to like him". Being in love comes and goes. The butterflies come and go. But if you have a genuine like and kinship with someone, it will most likely last.

How can you learn to love someone that you don't even like??

Totally agree w/ this.
Those butterfly feelings will def come and go, but you have at to at least really like the person. Be able to laugh w/ them and enjoy their company. There has to be some type of spark there that you really like, whatever that may be for you... could be intelligence, borderline arrogance, quirkiness, masculinity, humor, responsibility, whatever... that certain element of 'it' has to be there. You could also really just like someone as a friend, but if that romantic aspect isn't there... well . I think after time you will just become more and more resentful of him.

 

[Gigi-07]

Oh it's hurts even worse when a man and a woman are actually mutually in love, all aspects of their lives being compatible, but your goals are COMPLETELY different. (ex. one wants kids, one does not) This is what kills a lot of relationships. It's what I have to reconcile with concerning a guy right now. I don't wanna make and bake little rugrats. and I'm pretty sure he does

 

[Gigi-07]

and to answer the question: a Porsche's a good car...doesn't mean I want one. The car I have (maybe not as great) serves me better than any other car I can think of, be it "good" by anyone else's standards or not.
Compatibility (the utmost) is what matters most.

 

[awhyley]

This is so right on time for me. I just broke up with my "good man" the other day. He's educated, sweet, charismatic, nice, respectful, successful, and all that. Handsome, God-fearing. We were together 5 months. I felt a bit stifled. Plus he had a dark side that I just didn't care for. He's an extremely jealous Aries. Plus I didn't like how he talked to me sometimes, it was almost like I was a subordinate. He wanted me to almost depend on him, kind of. I care for him deeply but I know that I'll never be what he needs. I'd rather hurt for a few months than be miserable for the rest of my life. He's so supportive & has a brilliant mind. I wouldn't mind being his friend in the future. But just not his girlfriend.

Sounds like you dodged a bullet there with that one.
With those kind of ways, he may not be 'good' for anyone.