Black Men & The Aggressive Approach

[FRO-EVER 21]

Whenever black guys approach me they are always way too aggressive. For example:

My mom and i were followed down a very busy street the other day while shopping. These two fools were standing outside a store and we walked by and ignored their hello's. we kept walking and got to the traffic light and she turned around to look and they were following us through the crowd! The light went green and we crossed. So did they. We were speeding away but they caught up in the end, and started asking for our numbers. She's married, and i'm just not interested. I had to end up telling my guy that i was engaged to get rid of him. The one talking to my mom gave her his email, and was like "you better write me"! the only thing missing was the "or else".

the one talking to me did say that he doesnt see many good looking black women around so thats why they practically ran after us. thats all well and good, but there was nothing gentle about those men.

she complains to me all the time about the way the approach her. its almost like they think black women should be dying for their attention or something. as though they are the catch of the century. usually i just ignore them completely when they try to talk to me as i cant stand that "thugged out" look most of them like to have. we're in london, not brooklyn! then they come out with something like "so you ain't gonna talk to me!"... or "im just a brother talking to a sista".... bla bla bla.

Has anyone else had to deal with this?

First of all I let me say I don't think it is a cultural or racial matter. I think that this behaviour has more to do with class and and morals and the way people are raised more than anything else. I get ALOT of unwanted attention, comments and lustful looks from men because of my large butt. It is mostly African American or Hispanic man that I have to deal with, b/c they are generally more receptive of having a large tush. But my white co-worker has VERY , big breasts and she has to deal with the same type of crude, inappropiate behavior from white guys. Most of my black guy friends are considered "BUPPIES" (Financial analyst, lawyer, Graphic Designer, Loan officer etc...) and they treat thier wives/girlfriends and women in general with the utmost respect. So I definitely don't think it is cultural. I think part of the problem is that some women do stop and respond, which encourages this bad behaviour. So when women like us come along and want to have nothing to do with them they feel as if they have to respond negatively.

the one talking to me did say that he doesnt see many good looking black women around so thats why they practically ran after us. thats all well and good, but there was nothing gentle about those men.

Just Asking: Why wouldn't this guy see many good-looking black women around? I don't this get this. It sounds like a poor excuse to follow you.

i cant stand that "thugged out" look most of them like to have. we're in london, not brooklyn!

I'm with you on this, I can't stand so called thugs either, but they are everywhere. (I've learned most aren't really thugs, just adapting the fashions and mannerisms b/c they think it's cool) Last week I was in Hawaii and I was surprised to see how many young boys are engrossed in the "gangsta-thug" culture. I live in Brooklyn and I see it here, but I see it elsewhere too.

 

[tryn2growmyhair]

i've never met any african sounding guys that carried on like this. the jamaican guys do seem to have big attitude though. god knows why.

I agree. Most African men will just look but I have never had an African man come up to me on the street and do that crap. The ones who I know who are interested are usually polite about it.

 

[tryn2growmyhair]

I'm with you on this, I can't stand so called thugs either, but they are everywhere. (I've learned most aren't really thugs, just adapting the fashions and mannerisms b/c they think it's cool) Last week I was in Hawaii and I was surprised to see how many young boys are engrossed in the "gangsta-thug" culture. I live in Brooklyn and I see it here, but I see it elsewhere too.

It's sad because the people who wear the thugged out clothes and misbehave give men who are perfectly nice a bad name. I know men like this -- college graduates with good jobs -- who have to wear suits to work and want to wear baggy jeans (not the type where you can see their drawers but baggy jeans nevertheless) and loose shirts on the weekend and I worry that they will be profiled. They are good people but the people who misbehave when they wear these clothes give these men a bad name.

 

[esoterica]

First of all I let me say I don't think it is a cultural or racial matter. I think that this behaviour has more to do with class and and morals and the way people are raised more than anything else.

it probably is about class. in which case i wanna know why all these fools that approach me just happen to be black. i've come to the conclusion from their behaviour that because i'm black they think they can get away with this sh!t with me.

So I definitely don't think it is cultural. I think part of the problem is that some women do stop and respond, which encourages this bad behaviour. So when women like us come along and want to have nothing to do with them they feel as if they have to respond negatively.

true. they must be getting good results somewhere if they keep doing it. they need to stick to the low class hoes that respond to this kind of crap.

Just Asking: Why wouldn't this guy see many good-looking black women around? I don't this get this. It sounds like a poor excuse to follow you.

exactly. either way, its not my problem.

I'm with you on this, I can't stand so called thugs either, but they are everywhere. (I've learned most aren't really thugs, just adapting the fashions and mannerisms b/c they think it's cool)

which makes them posers as well as idiots.

 

[esoterica]

They are good people but the people who misbehave when they wear these clothes give these men a bad name.

yeah, i switch off if i see a guy coming at me dressed like he went to a rap video audition.

 

[tryn2growmyhair]

yeah, i switch off if i see a guy coming at me dressed like he went to a rap video audition.

 

[tryn2growmyhair]

it probably is about class. in which case i wanna know why all these fools that approach me just happen to be black. i've come to the conclusion from their behaviour that because i'm black they think they can get away with this sh!t with me.

I really notice that more here than when I lived in London. You think the British boys are bad, come to NYC. I found London men to be much more polite compared to what we have here. I was not harassed 1/100th as much I am harassed here. Housing in London is also cheaper than it is in NYC and there are more safe neighbhorhoods. The end result is that safety can be more cheaply bought in London. Despite all this, you can live in Park Avenue or Knightsbridge, when you leave your zone of safety you will still have to face these men.

It is because we're black. They know that a white woman would call the cops on them in a second. Dont forget that less than a hundred years ago black men were still being lynched for even looking at a white woman. The lynchings were completely wrong and no one deserves that. I do believe though, that the extreme lengths that white men have gone to to "protect" their women from black men mean that a) the low-class black men are afraid to approach white women even though they will hoot and holler at a black woman whether she is dressed professional attire or in tight so-called 'ho' clothes and b) when some black men do come into money they go after the formerly "forbidden fruit" and reject black women as not good enough. They have enough money to insulate themselves from the anger that some white men have about these relationships. Also, white people do not mind these relationships as much because it is usually obvious that the white woman -- whether through her relatively unattactive looks or relative lack of education to her black male partner -- would not be able to get a white man with the same income or education as her black male partner. Want to see white people get really angry about an interracial relationship -- watch their faces when a black woman walks into the room with a white Alpha male!
All of this is to say that at the end of the day, I do believe that sociologists and anthropologists and historians would have a field day explaining the behaviour of these men on the street.

There is a long history to why they feel that they can harass us.

true. they must be getting good results somewhere if they keep doing it. they need to stick to the low class hoes that respond to this kind of crap.

This relates to my previous post. Women are often called social climbers but I have found that men are social climbers too. These men dont want the low class ho, they've had her and think that they can upgrade and think that we will agree to it because we are black! Even though they are hanging around on the street and, in many instances, it is clear that they do not have jobs.

exactly. either way, its not my problem.

I remember reading that qoute and thinking that the guy who told you that had a self-hate problem. How could he tell you that a lot of black women are not pretty and then think that you would give him the time of day. That alone, even if you had met him in another less-creepy context, would have been reason to drop him!

which makes them posers as well as idiots.

I think that the sad thing is that man of these men have to adopts these mannerisms to survive in their neighborhoods. I kid you not. I dont think that British people can understand it. I used to laugh when I would hear people talk about how scared they were of Brixton (a neighborhood that is considered "bad" by some people in London). Council estates (British housing projects) and Brixton and other areas have nothing on the violence that exists in many American inner-cities on a daily basis. I truly suspect that many women start dating and become impregnated with these thugs in the first place because they a) have no hope and b) are initially afraid of them and want to be nice and then one thing leads to another (oh, let me take you to lunch, let's do this, let's do that, etc.) the guy wins them over and then their pregnant the thug leaves them and the cycle begins again.

So, all this to say that I do think that some of these men, esp. the British teens and chavs of all race who are trying to affect the gangsta rap attitude are posers, but some men pose to protect themselves.

Despite why they are doing it, I still get annoyed when they try to come on to me. Leave me alone and dont make your problems my problems!

 

[esoterica]

@ tryn2growmyhair: i dont think i could live in the states. way too hardcore for me. i've got my hands full over here anyway.

there must be some anti-pheremone out there to put these men off. i really miss being at uni for this very reason. i could dress any way, and go anywhere on campus without being harrassed. no matter what time of day/night.

these fools in the real world are just way too bold for my liking. they must be desperate as hell.

i dont know if non-black women get harrassed (by black guys) in the way we do. :scratchch

 

[tryn2growmyhair]

@ tryn2growmyhair: i dont think i could live in the states. way too hardcore for me. i've got my hands full over here anyway.

there must be some anti-pheremone out there to put these men off. i really miss being at uni for this very reason. i could dress any way, and go anywhere on campus without being harrassed. no matter what time of day/night.

these fools in the real world are just way too bold for my liking. they must be desperate as hell.

i dont know if non-black women get harrassed (by black guys) in the way we do. :scratchch

I agree with the bolded part. Having lived in both places, I would say the quality of life is better for a single black woman. It is cheaper, there are more men interested in you and there is less racism, even though it still exists and is very strong in some areas. Dont come here, you've got it really good in the UK. For one thing, the selection of good men to choose from is very good. Most people who have moved to Britain have come there either for a better life or an education. That mindset affects them and their children in a positive way, in my opinion.

About missing UNI: If I were you I would really consider going back to uni for a graduate degree. Not only will it help with job prospects, uni is one of the few times in your life that you will be surrounded by a ton of eligible men who are your age or around then. Also, many serious-minded men pick their wives in graduate school. Some of them dont but many of them do.

 

[esoterica]

i will... i have my eye on a masters. mabye even a phd.

 

[tryn2growmyhair]

i will... i have my eye on a masters. mabye even a phd.

Go for it, girl! Dont stop at a Master's get a PhD. As soon as you know exactly what you would like to do, go and do it but make sure that you are sure. It is a lot of time to invest, so try to start sooner rather than later. We need more black PhDs out there. Dont let anyone tell you dont need a PhD, you do. It is very helpful. Best of luck to you.

 

[esoterica]

Go for it, girl! Dont stop at a Master's get a PhD. As soon as you know exactly what you would like to do, go and do it but make sure that you are sure. It is a lot of time to invest, so try to start sooner rather than later. We need more black PhDs out there. Dont let anyone tell you dont need a PhD, you do. It is very helpful. Best of luck to you.

i know exactly what i want to do. i will be a nutritional therapist in about 3 years time, so all my studying will be along those lines. i'm really looking forward to it

 

[tryn2growmyhair]

i know exactly what i want to do. i will be a nutritional therapist in about 3 years time, so all my studying will be along those lines. i'm really looking forward to it

Good luck with that. You are lucky that you know what you want to do. Go and go for your PhD, girl. It is very helpful -- especially in that field.

 

[Divine Inspiration]

Girl, ALL THE TIME!!

It's almost like they feel that we 'owe' it to them to respond to their lame advances or something.

If I respond to you hello with a wave or a smile, that DOES NOT mean I want to have a conversation with you! It definitely doesn't mean that I want you running down the street after me!

If we are the only 2 black people in a place, that DOES NOT mean that it's 'us against them' and we have to talk to only each other the whole time.

On a related note, I honestly think that some people take this 'brotha/sista' stuff too far. Like they want to latch onto you just because you're the same race. I'm sorry, that's annoying.

I TOTALLY agree! I don't understand where they get off thinking that a condescending or demanding tone will get them anywhere

 

[Lucia]

Yeah I've had this happen too and it's ridiculous, these guys are sooo full of themselves they are so offended that you don't jump up and down for joy that a MAN is speaking to me oooohh. paaleeez I just ignore them I don't know you I'm not obligated to speak to you and no I don't want to be nice. I mean if they were acting normal. This is not just a AA thing all races cultures have these rude crude dudes.
I was at Victorias secret and 2 guys came up and 1 started talking oh that's nice is that what you gonna get, I'll buy it for you, is this your size, I said go away and walked to another station, these fools followed me, saying like you going to model that for me this would look good on you and stuff. I have never seen these fools in my whole entire life and they were talking to me like this, I went out of the store and started looking for security and pointed them out, I was not having it.

 

[esoterica]

I was at Victorias secret and 2 guys came up and 1 started talking oh that's nice is that what you gonna get, I'll buy it for you, is this your size, I said go away and walked to another station, these fools followed me, saying like you going to model that for me this would look good on you and stuff.

Pure madness! and rudeness!

 

[MizAvalon]

Yeah I've had this happen too and it's ridiculous, these guys are sooo full of themselves they are so offended that you don't jump up and down for joy that a MAN is speaking to me oooohh. paaleeez I just ignore them I don't know you I'm not obligated to speak to you and no I don't want to be nice. I mean if they were acting normal. This is not just a AA thing all races cultures have these rude crude dudes.
I was at Victorias secret and 2 guys came up and 1 started talking oh that's nice is that what you gonna get, I'll buy it for you, is this your size, I said go away and walked to another station, these fools followed me, saying like you going to model that for me this would look good on you and stuff. I have never seen these fools in my whole entire life and they were talking to me like this, I went out of the store and started looking for security and pointed them out, I was not having it.

OMG!!! That is DISGUSTING!!! These two jacka$$es that didn't know you from anywhere actually believed they could come up to you and talk about your UNDERWEAR!! Absolutely disgusting.

Please tell me how old these fools were. I want to believe that they were stupid teenagers, but why does something tell me they were grown?

Good for you for getting security on them!

 

[Lucia]

OMG!!! That is DISGUSTING!!! These two jacka$$es that didn't know you from anywhere actually believed they could come up to you and talk about your UNDERWEAR!! Absolutely disgusting.

Please tell me how old these fools were. I want to believe that they were stupid teenagers, but why does something tell me they were grown?

Good for you for getting security on them!

security kept them away while I left. they were grown 20's not dirty old men though eeeewww although I've had those old pediphiles approach me too.

 

[Guapa1]

Yep, there are awful. I remember one of my friend got punched in her face a few years back when she didn't give a guy her number.

I will say though, that I have found then men in NY better than in London. Usually, they'll just say hey chocolate, you look nice, and keep stepping. Or they'll say hello, I'll say hello and we both keep walking.
Say hello in Brixton, and you've given them the sign that you ready to jump into bed!

 

[Isis]

I believe it has to do with "male privilege" more than just black men. There are men of all races who have this aggressive approach. They are bullies and believe it's their right to do and say what they want to us. Sometimes when we walk quickly away, ignoring them, they think the chase is on and start following. It's a big challenge to them.

Very recently, a guy (white) drove up in my driveway right behind my car as I was driving up. I didn't know I was being followed. I got out and asked what he wanted. He said he saw me at the store and just wanted to get to know me better. I looked up at one of my windows, he looked up too and nervously asked if my husband was home. I said yes he is. This man quickly got back into his car and left.

 

[tryn2growmyhair]

I believe it has to do with "male privilege" more than just black men. There are men of all races who have this aggressive approach. They are bullies and believe it's their right to do and say what they want to us. Sometimes when we walk quickly away, ignoring them, they think the chase is on and start following. It's a big challenge to them.

Very recently, a guy (white) drove up in my driveway right behind my car as I was driving up. I didn't know I was being followed. I got out and asked what he wanted. He said he saw me at the store and just wanted to get to know me better. I looked up at one of my windows, he looked up too and nervously asked if my husband was home. I said yes he is. This man quickly got back into his car and left.

How did he know you had a husband?! Had he been following you for even longer than you realize?

And what was he doing following someone home let alone a married woman?

Man, you are brave, Isis. That story would have made me feel very unsafe.

 

[tryn2growmyhair]

Yep, there are awful. I remember one of my friend got punched in her face a few years back when she didn't give a guy her number.

I will say though, that I have found then men in NY better than in London. Usually, they'll just say hey chocolate, you look nice, and keep stepping. Or they'll say hello, I'll say hello and we both keep walking.
Say hello in Brixton, and you've given them the sign that you ready to jump into bed!

See, the bolded part does not surprise me. Some of these men are thugs and going to the police would probably make the situation even worse. Gosh, what protection is there from these animals?

Maybe it was because I would only go to Brixton during the day -- and on busy weekends at that -- but I never had a problem there. I have had many more problems here. Guapa1, I also dont know what city you are in, but in this city, saying hello to some men is seen by them as an invitation! I never had to deal with these thugs when I was in London. At least there, if you say no to a thug you dont have to worry about being shot at, because of the strict gun control laws. Here, you really have to bite your tongue -- no matter how much of an outrageous jerk the guy is being. If he has a weapon, is crazy or is a member of a gang, then punching could be the least of one's worries.

 

[MizAvalon]

Yep, there are awful. I remember one of my friend got punched in her face a few years back when she didn't give a guy her number.

OH. MY. STARS.

 

[PhonyBaloney500]

They ALWAYS gotta have a comment--that's why I love my headphones (but don't use 'em at night! that could be dangerous!). The old nasty 50-60 year old ones freak me out the most. I admit sometimes I ignore them and sometimes I tell them off (if I think I won't be killed lol).

 

[tryn2growmyhair]

They ALWAYS gotta have a comment--that's why I love my headphones (but don't use 'em at night! that could be dangerous!). The old nasty 50-60 year old ones freak me out the most. I admit sometimes I ignore them and sometimes I tell them off (if I think I won't be killed lol).

I would wear my i-Pod but I am scared that they will steal it. A little kid was killed for his i-Pod.

These thugs are something else. One of them attacked a police officer while the officer was on the way to work. That's how crazy these people are.

 

[esoterica]

I would wear my i-Pod but I am scared that they will steal it. A little kid was killed for his i-Pod.

These thugs are something else. One of them attacked a police officer while the officer was on the way to work. That's how crazy these people are.

i've thought about this too. my mp3 player earphones are light grey, and could be mistaken for ipod headphones. gotta buy some new black ones.

 

[tryn2growmyhair]

i've thought about this too. my mp3 player earphones are light grey, and could be mistaken for ipod headphones. gotta buy some new black ones.

I probably should do this too. The i-Pods cost about $400 but when you include all the songs that are on them they are worth thousands. That is putting a lot of temptation in front of someone who is criminally-minded.

 

[CarLiTa]

all men and boys act disrespectful towards women, ESPECIALLY BLACK WOMEN.

I think they act that way because they think that WE (black women) accept it. Remember a thread where they said that other races saw black women as being UNROMANTIC? i think that's just how they see us for real. A white, black, asian, arab, or latino guy will approach a black woman talking about her curves, her a$$, and this and all that... no matter what she's wearing, how she looks, it won't matter. Some will STILL act aggressive like that. Others know better actually, not to fall into this categorizing crap and approach women the way they should be approached.

For the bad ones, if they saw Becky in a store, they'd politely comment on the book she has in her hand or something of that sort, make a nice, polite comment, but if it was a black woman, they'd walk by like "damn... that's a phat a$$" like she's supposed to jump for joy and offer herself right away. F'in NONSENSE. I can't stand it.

I dated this Japanese guy during the summer not only b/c i was interested but what peaked my interest the most is his approach. At that time I was aslo being approached by a few other black guys at my internship, in the bad way. One of them tried to get on my case when he found out we were dating, but thing is, if a guy is interested, it's all in the approach because that's the very first step. If it's wrong... then heck no!

 

[esoterica]

it's all in the approach because that's the very first step. If it's wrong... then heck no!

i agree. first impressions mean a lot.

 

[Lucia]

I believe it has to do with "male privilege" more than just black men. There are men of all races who have this aggressive approach. They are bullies and believe it's their right to do and say what they want to us. Sometimes when we walk quickly away, ignoring them, they think the chase is on and start following. It's a big challenge to them.

Very recently, a guy (white) drove up in my driveway right behind my car as I was driving up. I didn't know I was being followed. I got out and asked what he wanted. He said he saw me at the store and just wanted to get to know me better. I looked up at one of my windows, he looked up too and nervously asked if my husband was home. I said yes he is. This man quickly got back into his car and left.

Theyre just shameless, some men really do think they have a right to any and every woman walking the earth, that sounds like rapist mentallity to me.