Biological Children vs. Stepchildren

[Zaynab]

I agree with what you are saying about the children being divided, but at the same time what about when my daughter asks me why "Grandma" bought something for my brother and sister, but not me. I do for all four children, as a matter of fact I do more for the stepchildren than my husband, the children's mother, and the in laws. I just want to do a little more for my own children. To add insult to injury the in laws acknowledge me as "mom" when I am spending money on them, but when it is time to make a decision that they don't like it's "You're not their mother"

\

Then dh needs to check his mama on that one for real.

 

[syze6]

I agree with what you are saying about the children being divided, but at the same time what about when my daughter asks me why "Grandma" bought something for my brother and sister, but not me. I do for all four children, as a matter of fact I do more for the stepchildren than my husband, the children's mother, and the in laws. I just want to do a little more for my own children. To add insult to injury the in laws acknowledge me as "mom" when I am spending money on them, but when it is time to make a decision that they don't like it's "You're not their mother"

You need to tell them how you feel. I had a relative do that to my children. She would always seem to find something for my boy and never had time to find for my daughter. I told her to NEVER show up at my door with one and not two things!! She finally got it when I turned down her offerings.

As long as they are under your roof and you are caring and loving them, you ARE their mother! Damn... them for getting in your household affairs! My in-laws know they better not say anything about how I handle my household! When they bring some checks to the table with morgage written on the memo line, then you worry about what they think!

You let people be who they are, don't let them change who YOU are! You continue to do for ALL the children and don't let their actions dictate yours. Make sure you explain to your children what grandmom is doing is wrong and they are ALL still loved!!!

See this is why I had to learn to let stuff roll off my back, the old syze would have had granny's wig running off her head when I got through giving her the tongue!! If hubby wasn't on board, he'd get it also!!

 

[BKVincy]

Right, It's like you had a choice when you met the man. If you didn't like it then, you should have dropped him and dated someone else.

It wasnt about liking or not liking the situation.
For me It was what it was. you cant help who you fall in love with. My husband and that time felt and still felt that its his kids his responsibility cause at the end of the day whether I go or stay they are still and will always be his children. He never had a father and he takes his role very seriously can couldnt give a damn whether I wanted to be a part of his childs life or not he was going to make sure he does what he has to do to make sure both his children are taking care of equally.

 

[Country gal]

I guess this is one reason marriages are failing, this bull attitude about to each his own. That's not what G-d intended for marriage. Do you all realize that heaven is a microcosm of earth? How could G-d forsake his own children? Well, on earth, we are now g-ds to children. People don't expect the new spouse to take responsibility for previous children, in a marriage? To each his own, I guess. I'm beginning to believe in contraception and abortion...for those stupid enough to refuse to do their duties as parents, either natural or adoptive/step. Please don't go that path, it is destructive. I was adopted into a loving family and am now reunited with my birth family. I just can't believe my ears/eyes! How selfish some people are. Granted, if one doesn't want a family to be responsible for, then use BC and at all costs, do not get pregnant. Certainly do not get pregnant, get divorced or widowed and expect another to want to take care of your own kids just because they married you. Selfishness....this is why this country is like it is now. I'm indignant.
Well, if the in-laws are the reason for the problem, talk to them honestly and ask them to also provide things for your two natural children so the whole family is complete. I truly believe this is the problem and why the seeker is in turmoil. They sound like good people and with an honest discussion,would likely see this side of the issue.

I am wondering if the OP has discussed this issue with the inlaws? Valid points.

 

[DMJ's Mom]

I think its wrong. This is how I feel about it. When you married your husband you "inherited" 2 children. They are not biologically yours but I'm sure since you've been taking an active part in raising them for pretty all of their lives (and I'm sure that you are in all of their memories) its going to hurt them if you just do something for your children and not for them as well. Its never a good thing to show favoritism to any child. I think that in the future your step children will grow the resent you esp. because on one hand they have a deadbeat mom and on the other another "mother figure" is showing favoritism.

 

[fuchsiastar]

ITA as I stated in my post they took in the children's mother when she was a teen so they have a bond with her. His grandmother and siblings didn't come to our wedding, because they wanted my hubby to stay in a relationship. They put us through hell. When we went to court to get custody of his son my MIL showed up in court on HER SIDE. Against her own son. Even though she was the one that bought it to our attention that his son was being neglected by his mother.

See now I'm pissed! Syze just said it best, but I would even take it further. Those in-laws would not be seeing not-nary-one of my four children until they got themselves together! What is the court order? Does the momma have visitation with her two biological children? Gurrrrlllll....I don't even get worked up about stuff, but this has me hot now!

 

[Country gal]

I have two kids with my husband and sometimes I just spend time with one or the other. I often do special things with just my daughter.

I think if step kids/ bio kids had not have been brought up no one would have had problem with her just spending time with her two youngest. Children do need individual time alone with parents.

I feel like Steve Harvey and I am a code cracker. They is more than meets the eye. If it was just spending some one on one time with the little kids, it is completely understandable. It would be so insignficant that she shouldn't or wouldn't feel guilty. It sounds to me that the OP wants to get back at the Inlaws. It is painful when your children are not being treated correctly but 2 wrongs don't make it right.

 

[illustrioussplendor]

Right, It's like you had a choice when you met the man. If you didn't like it then, you should have dropped him and dated someone else.

I never said I didn't want to do for my stepchildren, I said Sometimes I want to just do things for/with my biological children. True enough his children's mother was already pregnant with his son before we got together, but I knew nothing about this until after we already involved and a couple of months before she gave birth. If I could do it all over again I would not have gotten involved. When we got together I didn't have children and did not want to be involved with someone who had children, but he was not upfront with me about the situation, that's why we separated for six months because I couldn't take all the drama with the baby momma and the family. But overall he is an excellent husband and father. He basically caters to me. He treats me better than any man I have ever been involved with. I love him so much that I donated my blood to get his son some pampers. Not many women would do that for another woman's child. I love my stepchildren, but naturally I love my own children more because I carried them for nine months. My in laws have greatly interfered with the bond I once had with my stepchildren.

 

[BKVincy]

ITA as I stated in my post they took in the children's mother when she was a teen so they have a bond with her. His grandmother and siblings didn't come to our wedding, because they wanted my hubby to stay in a relationship. They put us through hell. When we went to court to get custody of his son my MIL showed up in court on HER SIDE. Against her own son. Even though she was the one that bought it to our attention that his son was being neglected by his mother.

Your husband needs to take charge of this situation
this will not change unless he does so
which may not happen because of the guilt he might feel from
bringing the kids here with a deadbeat mother
I think that secretly he is in agreement with what the
grandparents are doing but they are bold enough to do it to you
with the snapback attitude while he plays coy and innocent...

 

[LunadeMiel]

I never said I didn't want to do for my stepchildren, I said Sometimes I want to just do things for/with my biological children. True enough his children's mother was already pregnant with his son before we got together, but I knew nothing about this until after we already involved and a couple of months before she gave birth. If I could do it all over again I would not have gotten involved. When we got together I didn't have children and did not want to be involved with someone who had children, but he was not upfront with me about the situation, that's why we separated for six months because I couldn't take all the drama with the baby momma and the family. But overall he is an excellent husband and father. He basically caters to me. He treats me better than any man I have ever been involved with. I love him so much that I donated my blood to get his son some pampers. Not many women would do that for another woman's child. I love my stepchildren, but naturally I love my own children more because I carried them for nine months. My in laws have greatly interfered with the bond I once had with my stepchildren.

...

 

[LunadeMiel]

Your husband needs to take charge of this situation
this will not change unless he does so
which may not happen because of the guilt he might feel from
bringing the kids here with a deadbeat mother
I think that secretly he is in agreement with what the
grandparents are doing but they are bold enough to do it to you
with the snapback attitude while he plays coy and innocent...

...

 

[Country gal]

I agree with what you are saying about the children being divided, but at the same time what about when my daughter asks me why "Grandma" bought something for my brother and sister, but not me. I do for all four children, as a matter of fact I do more for the stepchildren than my husband, the children's mother, and the in laws. I just want to do a little more for my own children. To add insult to injury the in laws acknowledge me as "mom" when I am spending money on them, but when it is time to make a decision that they don't like it's "You're not their mother"

I would have a meeting of the minds with Hubby and in laws.

 

[Country gal]

Believe me we have been down this road countless times. My husband feels caught in the middle. He wants me to treat the children equally and wants his family to treat my children equally. I will say that MIL treats them equally, but his grandmother does not. She was the same way with my husband and his brother and sister. My husband is the oldest and she favored him over his brother and sister. She even told him that she loved him more than his brother and sister, but not to tell them that because it would hurt their feelings.

Can you limit the interactions of the kids with grandma? She is being ridiciulus.

 

[Zaynab]

I never said I didn't want to do for my stepchildren, I said Sometimes I want to just do things for/with my biological children. True enough his children's mother was already pregnant with his son before we got together, but I knew nothing about this until after we already involved and a couple of months before she gave birth. If I could do it all over again I would not have gotten involved. When we got together I didn't have children and did not want to be involved with someone who had children, but he was not upfront with me about the situation, that's why we separated for six months because I couldn't take all the drama with the baby momma and the family. But overall he is an excellent husband and father. He basically caters to me. He treats me better than any man I have ever been involved with. I love him so much that I donated my blood to get his son some pampers. Not many women would do that for another woman's child. I love my stepchildren, but naturally I love my own children more because I carried them for nine months. My in laws have greatly interfered with the bond I once had with my stepchildren.

Well people that have adopted children, like a newborn would probably feel differently about that, its not really much different in theory.

The problem here are the adults, you can't treat the children like adults-since they would be getting the brunt of the issues between you and the inlaws. You're right, the inlaws probably don't like you. I have gathered that now, but so what you're there, the kids mother is not. Thats the attitude I took with my MIL.

BUT you should be clear in your mind..... if those kids live with you, they are YOURS, so if they/you/dh aren't going to do for all, then don't do for any. And that means the inlaws. Explain this to dh, explain it to your kids, ALL four of them. If the inlaws/grandmother brings something over, don't take it, throw it away. I did this to my MIL once and she never did it again. I said where is the such and such for Joe and Blow? She said "she just wanted to do something sweet for sally". I said well its not fair to joe and blow, so I threw it away. That was that. I understand your dh does not want to be in the middle but he's going to have to take a stand.

IMO, you have more control in this situation that you think. Clearly, if you've been taking care of those kids, YOU are the mother. We all know that women silently rule the house. I wouldn't even worry about dh getting upset about you taking a stand against what is right and fair because you are the one that is mothering them, what you say, should go. I would lay the law down with dh and that would be it. I know its easier said than done and obviously if you've been silent all these years this is going to be hard to do. I just think you've been quiet so long about it, you thought it would get better and it didnt'.

 

[fuchsiastar]

I never said I didn't want to do for my stepchildren, I said Sometimes I want to just do things for/with my biological children. True enough his children's mother was already pregnant with his son before we got together, but I knew nothing about this until after we already involved and a couple of months before she gave birth. If I could do it all over again I would not have gotten involved. When we got together I didn't have children and did not want to be involved with someone who had children, but he was not upfront with me about the situation, that's why we separated for six months because I couldn't take all the drama with the baby momma and the family. But overall he is an excellent husband and father. He basically caters to me. He treats me better than any man I have ever been involved with. I love him so much that I donated my blood to get his son some pampers. Not many women would do that for another woman's child. I love my stepchildren, but naturally I love my own children more because I carried them for nine months. My in laws have greatly interfered with the bond I once had with my stepchildren.

I disagree with your viewpoint on the bolded, any child who you changed diapers for and gave a bottle to will have a bond with you. It's not right to hurt that child by showing favortisim to others in the household because they came out of your womb and that child didn't. Even though the biological bond might be there, as the mature adult who accepted the situation, it's your job to be mature and show love to those two children who have bonded with you. And BUMP your inlaws, do NOT let them interfere with your bond with those children. And you sold your blood, so there IS a bond, don't let people tell you otherwise. If Tarzan can bond with monkeys, those children are bonded with YOU and see YOU as their mother figure. Don't let the in-laws try to twist your thinking otherwise.

If your DH is a good man then you keep him. He needs to handle this situation though, and that will determine his "good"....no "good" man would let his wife get treated the way you are being treated by your in-laws. Period. The in-laws would be OUT faster than a project runway elimination.

 

[fuchsiastar]

I take what I just said back. Zaynab has the best advice for you in your situation. I need to calm down.....I'm all worked up now, its hitting close to home. Thank goodness I have some good future in-laws. Unfortunately I feel like it's MY parents I will have to check.

Well people that have adopted children, like a newborn would probably feel differently about that, its not really much different in theory.

The problem here are the adults, you can't treat the children like adults-since they would be getting the brunt of the issues between you and the inlaws. You're right, the inlaws probably don't like you. I have gathered that now, but so what you're there, the kids mother is not. Thats the attitude I took with my MIL.

BUT you should be clear in your mind..... if those kids live with you, they are YOURS, so if they/you/dh aren't going to do for all, then don't do for any. And that means the inlaws. Explain this to dh, explain it to your kids, ALL four of them. If the inlaws/grandmother brings something over, don't take it, throw it away. I did this to my MIL once and she never did it again. I said where is the such and such for Joe and Blow? She said "she just wanted to do something sweet for sally". I said well its not fair to joe and blow, so I threw it away. That was that. I understand your dh does not want to be in the middle but he's going to have to take a stand.

IMO, you have more control in this situation that you think. Clearly, if you've been taking care of those kids, YOU are the mother. We all know that women silently rule the house. I wouldn't even worry about dh getting upset about you taking a stand against what is right and fair because you are the one that is mothering them, what you say, should go. I would lay the law down with dh and that would be it. I know its easier said than done and obviously if you've been silent all these years this is going to be hard to do. I just think you've been quiet so long about it, you thought it would get better and it didnt'.

 

[Country gal]

Thank you ladies for all your responses. I knew this would be a very controversial topic, but it's nice to have unbiased opinions. My family sides with me about the issue, and of course my in laws are on the other side of the fence. This has caused me alot of anger and heartache over the years, especially the way the in laws continue to downplay the fact that the children's mother is not involved with the children, but is involved with the in laws and they use her authrity to try to manipulate and control me and hubby.

You are goin through a lot OP. Sorry you have to deal with this sticky situation. Thanks for providing better clarity on the issues.

 

[tinkat]

There is definately something wrong with that. Honey, you have FOUR kids and when it comes to doing for them, you have to do the same. You CANNOT treat those babies any different than if they came from your own womb. Children are gifts that can be easily damaged with even the slightest bit of neglect.

Now don't get me wrong. It is a normal human feeling to WANT to do less for them when it seems like others are going out of their way to do less for your biological kids. But you are an adult and have to figure out how to rise above the pettiness of others for the sake of the children.

I am raising/have raised 4 kids. Not neerr one of them were born to me. Two stepkids and my niece and nephew. It is hard to do for kids when they have a mother who isn't about anything; I know. But you have to do for them all the same until they demonstrate that they don't deserve it. - Nothing in your post indicates that the kids are bad kids

It takes strength and patience but if your heart in the right place you will do the right thing.

If you don't start you are going to be back here saying that your stepkids don't respect you and don't listen to you and wondering why they act like that.

I agree with you. I am a stepchild so I know first hand how it feels. It is not right if the child can see that a parent, step or biological, treating them slightly different. As a an adult, I have resentment. If I ever have a stepchild, which I really don't because of what I went through, but if I ever do, I would always think back to how it was when I was a kid. I would do everything in my power to make sure that they feel equal to my biological kids. The grandmother is not right though, you would think would know better. I haven't read the whole thread but I am sure the ladies may have mentioned to have a talk with the inlaws and husband.

 

[calliope]

I know I'm late in answering this- please treat those children equally no matter what. I've got too many friends who were "step-kids" and now messed up/resentful because of similar situations. I agree with everyone who says that you have 4 kids, not 2 and since you raised them practically from birth, you ought to see it that way too- not trying to be saditty, just answering the question you asked honestly.

 

[SleekandBouncy]

I do not believe in half stepping esp. when it comes to children.
Assuming the OP knew her DH had children prior to marrying him she made a choice to co parent. If she were not prepared to accept that role fully then she should not have married him. There is nothing wrong with someone feeling a stronger bond to "their" children, but if that's the case one should not date much less marry a man with children. That IMO is not only selfish, but detrimental to the step children.

When you become a step parent esp. in the scenario laid you are essentially becoming their parent as well. Those children are yours and your responsibility to them is just as great as your responsibility to your "real" children. It's situations that ignore this fact that result in the step parent complaing a year later about how the children don't respect or listen to them. Either you take the role of parent and are afforded all the respect due a parent or not.
Additionally, how would any of us feel as children if our step siblings were treated better in any manner? How easily can those children feel like the unwanted offspring of the "looser mom". Also, if not from a compassionate place, think of your own biological kids. The "favored" children can easily find themselves bullied, beat up, or teased by the step children who feel resentful. Of course the step parent will blame the step kids and never recognize their own role in the situation. I say if folks can't look to that shiny light in all children that make them innocent and worthy of love, blood bond or not then you shouldn't date or marry folks with kids.

 

[SleekandBouncy]

This scenario is why I think ppl need to work harder to make their marriages work because the step family scenario rarely works. Most people do not have it in them IMO to be good step parents and even if they do there are so many other factors at play. Heck most ppl have a hard enough time putting the needs and interests of their biological children ahead of their own.

 

[TRINITY08]

I agree with the poster that says the dh has to take a firmer stand.

I am currently in this situation but we are not married as of yet. The mom is a deadbeat, there are two children and his parents favor the deadbeat.

I do homework, nurse them when they are sick (they are 7 and 4) and while I hesitate to say I am their mother (out of respect for them) I AM a co-parent and I will not be treated as anything less.

My boyfriend makes it very clear to his parents that I am able to make decisions regarding them and that they will be honored.

In situations like this, you either form a team with your dh and be a family and take a firm stand or you get knocked down in the hurrican of emotions with the family.

I wish you luck in this situation. I understand fully the challenges it presents.

 

[LookingandListening]

I agree that what is done for one should be done for all. That goes for the grandparents and the parents.

 

[tdwillis]

What if these two step-children become something great? They will remember that she raised them one way until she had her own kids. As long as she doesn't jump on the bandwagon with the whole "I raised them since they were little" speech then fine. Otherwise all four should be treated the same.

 

[Silkydreamgirl]

I am also a wife, mother, stepmother, as well as a stepdaughter myself and I truly understand your dilemma from every direction. You shouldn't run a guilt trip on yourself. Communication is the key here, regardless of whether or not every one agrees. What is your definition of doing more for your children? Buying toys when you are out or taking them on outings? If it's purchasing material things, then you have to understand that the children have different needs because they are different ages.

You have a two year old who requires the most attention of the four. You have a five year old who is probably experiencing his/her first year of school. If you have had your step children all this time, then you have probably been there to experience these things with them because you have truly been their mother. They probably refer to you as their mom. Talk to them and let them know that you love them, but that they have different needs. Everytime you go out, doesn't equate to bringing everyone something back everytime.

As for the MIL, maybe the children's mother is the daughter that she never had. Don't let it affect your relationship with your MIL. If she wants to take in the lady, then fine. If she doesn't do for your children as much ,then fine also. The reality is " your children will still be taken care of". Don't dwell on the materialistic things here. They come and go. Do try and spend some independent time with your step children, because the new babies might have made them feel unloved. It happens. Bridge those gaps before they become teenagers.

Good Luck

 

[DragonPearl]

I agree with what you are saying about the children being divided, but at the same time what about when my daughter asks me why "Grandma" bought something for my brother and sister, but not me. I do for all four children, as a matter of fact I do more for the stepchildren than my husband, the children's mother, and the in laws. I just want to do a little more for my own children. To add insult to injury the in laws acknowledge me as "mom" when I am spending money on them, but when it is time to make a decision that they don't like it's "You're not their mother"

I perfectly understand where you're coming from. You're dealing with a situation where DH's children are made to feel special by his relatives, and your children are not, and to complicate matters, you're supposed to assume all the duties of motherhood, but none of the privileges. Yeah, welcome to the wonderful drama of stepparenting.

Talk to DH. He is the only one who can talk to his relatives and make them treat the kids more fairly. He is the only one who can make sure your contribution as parent is respected.

If he can't do that, and if the relatives refuse to treat all the kids fairly, then, do you and for your own.

 

[DragonPearl]

I'm just coming in here to say I strongly disagree with the OP. Regardless of if the other (first) children get 'help' gifts, etc from the grandparents (MY MIL does the exact same thing so I know what you are talking about OP) I think you should do your part as a mother to all of them equally. I *think* that the grandparents do this because they feel sorry for the (first) children, not having their 'own' mother so to speak....they go out of their way to make them feel 'special'.

Regardless of whether the OP gives them all equal treatment, remember they STILL aren't equal because they don't have the stable and continual presence of a mother and father living together as a family unit. They won't ever have that so really...your children together with your dh will always have 'more' in their eyes, giving your children 'more' materially willl ultimately further facillitate the division. If anything, I do MORE for our (first) child because the division and difference between our kids was created when they were born. I hope I'm making sense but its so much more than material things.

I disagree profoundly.

We've gone from you need to treat all the children equally, to you need to give more to the non-biological children because their mom and dad are not living together, which is the position taken by the husband's relatives, and it's creating all this drama. When people show preference for a child, children do not think, oh, it's because his mom and dad are not together, they want to make sure he is okay. No. They think the child who is getting preferential treatment is "better" or more loved than the child not getting preferential treatment.

The relatives started that crap, and now, you have the "special" children, and the non-special ones. The OP is trying to make her kids feel special too, and though it is not the highest ground, I can't blame her.

 

[DragonPearl]

Oh goodness, I am sooo sorry this is causing you heartache over the years! I feel like this about the bolded though: If momma ain't payin/playing with those children, then momma has NO authority and what you and your husband say GOES, PERIOD. And if the in-laws can't get with the program, then the in-laws are out. In-laws are not putting a roof over those children's head, you and your husband are. Hubby better put his foot down asap. Like, yesterday.

I'm going to have to go with you on that one.

Then all the children will get treated equally.

 

[DragonPearl]

Believe me we have been down this road countless times. My husband feels caught in the middle. He wants me to treat the children equally and wants his family to treat my children equally. I will say that MIL treats them equally, but his grandmother does not. She was the same way with my husband and his brother and sister. My husband is the oldest and she favored him over his brother and sister. She even told him that she loved him more than his brother and sister, but not to tell them that because it would hurt their feelings.

See, that's it right there! Your husband is duplicating his childhood pattern with his family.

Your husband needs to face the fact that he is dealing with unresolved issues that are carrying over to you all. I can assure you, if he made it known to his grandmother that she MUST treat the kids equally, she would do it.

 

[illustrioussplendor]

See, that's it right there! Your husband is duplicating his childhood pattern with his family.

Your husband needs to face the fact that he is dealing with unresolved issues that are carrying over to you all. I can assure you, if he made it known to his grandmother that she MUST treat the kids equally, she would do it.

He told his grandmother if she bought something for my stepchildren and not my biological children they would not be allowed to have it, and her response to that is that she would just open up a bank account for the stepchildren and put money in it for them, and then when they became of age they could just get the money. Then on the other hand my mother favors my sister and her two children over me, my brother and our children, so they have no special attachment to either set of grandparents, I just don't want my babies to feel left out, they have to have someone to treat them special, all the other kids do.