Biological Children vs. Stepchildren

[LunadeMiel]

[/b]
He told his grandmother if she bought something for my stepchildren and not my biological children they would not be allowed to have it, and her response to that is that she would just open up a bank account for the stepchildren and put money in it for them, and then when they became of age they could just get the money. Then on the other hand my mother favors my sister and her two children over me, my brother and our children, so they have no special attachment to either set of grandparents, I just don't want my babies to feel left out, they have to have someone to treat them special, all the other kids do.

Girl just do you! Do what you feel is necessary for your children....

 

[OhmyKimB]

For those seeing nothing wrong with it, please rethink and put yourselves in those children's shoes. She has been raising these children before she had her own, for 8 years. That's a long time to not have a connect with children in your household. This is why the natural relatives are upset. They can see that you do not connect enough with them. It's better to treat all children equally because they are yours now. How does your husband see all this? I think you two should sit down and have a heart-2-heart because it's a very serious situation. No one should ever separate children they have taken on as their own to favor those from their loins. They all have to be loved and respected equally.

I agree

the only part I really saw as A HUGE problem is that the grandparents aren't treating the kids equally

 

[Mortons]

Unless you live in a state with grand parent rights it is not their right to see the kids its a privileged. And it would be a privileged that they would have to earn with me for ANY of the kids. I would not be having it We can all just sit up in the house together and look at each other before they go out to their grandparents and people start acting a fool.

 

[OhmyKimB]

To the people saying that she has four children, how are you getting at this?
She gave birth to 2, her husband has 4 children, she does not. From what I gathered from the OP she has no legal claims to her husband's children...
Also, if she and her husband were to divorce, would she still have "four" children?
When does she stop being their mother?

So...how about adoptive parent's....

can they give up whenever they want to?

I mean no offense to the OP...but she took on a man with two kids....

She raised them... let's flip it...if a man was saying this he'd be wrong right....for acting as a father then walking away?

It's only now with all the family drama that it seems this is all coming up....otherwise why even bother? She should of left be she started. So with that said....if she can raise them and step in at some point why did you step in at all to walk away again.


These kids probably see her as a real mother since their own is worthless.

She has 4...4 she takes care of us...nurtures...loves...help...provides hope, strength, etc etc...and

2 that she has actually birthed....the problem seems to be the grandparents and biological mother...

 

[LunadeMiel]

Nevermind, I think I've said enough.

 

[DragonPearl]

[/b]
He told his grandmother if she bought something for my stepchildren and not my biological children they would not be allowed to have it, and her response to that is that she would just open up a bank account for the stepchildren and put money in it for them, and then when they became of age they could just get the money. Then on the other hand my mother favors my sister and her two children over me, my brother and our children, so they have no special attachment to either set of grandparents, I just don't want my babies to feel left out, they have to have someone to treat them special, all the other kids do.

What a shame.

I guess you can't keep her from putting money in the bank for them, if that's what she wants to do. But she will have to treat all the kids equally while they're under your care. And make sure you put money in the bank for your bio kids too dammit.

 

[DragonPearl]

So...how about adoptive parent's....

can they give up whenever they want to?

An adoptive parent is not a stepparent.

An adoptive parent has all the protection of the law while a stepparent does not. Unless she has legally adopted those children, if the OP and her husband were to divorce, she would have ZERO legal right to see the kids. Remember what happened to Halle when she and whatshisname divorced? She was not allowed to see the daughter.

I mean no offense to the OP...but she took on a man with two kids....

She raised them... let's flip it...if a man was saying this he'd be wrong right....for acting as a father then walking away?

It's only now with all the family drama that it seems this is all coming up....otherwise why even bother? She should of left be she started. So with that said....if she can raise them and step in at some point why did you step in at all to walk away again.

Maybe I misunderstood the OP, but she is not abandoning these kids and walking away.

These kids probably see her as a real mother since their own is worthless.

What I have noticed in real life and even anecdotal testimonies on this board, blood runs very thick. No matter how wretched the natural parent is, she/he is still considered the "real" parent, and the stepparent is considered second best. Children may eventually forgive the natural parents for doing them wrong, but they may never forgive the stepparents if the stepparents did them wrong.

 

[Much2much41]

[/b]
He told his grandmother if she bought something for my stepchildren and not my biological children they would not be allowed to have it, and her response to that is that she would just open up a bank account for the stepchildren and put money in it for them, and then when they became of age they could just get the money. Then on the other hand my mother favors my sister and her two children over me, my brother and our children, so they have no special attachment to either set of grandparents, I just don't want my babies to feel left out, they have to have someone to treat them special, all the other kids do.

And he needs to stand on it. He can't control her putting money in accounts solely for the stepchildren for when they're older (I wish I could beat the brakes off of her simply for THINKING it, let alone saying it, but I digress), but he can certainly stop her from ruining the bio children's lives on a regular basis by making differences at such an early age. Everything she buys for the step-children should be returned until she learns to buy for all of them. Period.

 

[illustrioussplendor]

So...how about adoptive parent's....

can they give up whenever they want to?

I mean no offense to the OP...but she took on a man with two kids....

She raised them... let's flip it...if a man was saying this he'd be wrong right....for acting as a father then walking away?

It's only now with all the family drama that it seems this is all coming up....otherwise why even bother? She should of left be she started. So with that said....if she can raise them and step in at some point why did you step in at all to walk away again.
I never said I wanted to walk away from my stepchildren, Their MOTHER abandoned them, NOT ME. I am still caring for these children. I am taking all the heat but I am the one SACRIFICING for these kids. One winter when I bought the kids winter coats their mother made the comment "Good, now I can save my money" What kind of ish is that? I know it is not the children's fault, but I don't believe when you marry someone and caring for their children that the other parent gets to walk away free like she never even had them. I do more for these kids than ALL of their blood relatives. Even though I am married I spend MY hard earned money on school clothes,etc. Their dad doesn't even do it. SO basically these kids wouldn't have ish if it wasn't for ME. I'm the one that goes without for them.


These kids probably see her as a real mother since their own is worthless.

She has 4...4 she takes care of us...nurtures...loves...help...provides hope, strength, etc etc...and

2 that she has actually birthed....the problem seems to be the grandparents and biological mother...

I never said I wanted to walk away from my stepchildren, Their MOTHER abandoned them, NOT ME. I am still caring for these children. I am taking all the heat but I am the one SACRIFICING for these kids. One winter when I bought the kids winter coats their mother made the comment "Good, now I can save my money" What kind of ish is that? I know it is not the children's fault, but I don't believe when you marry someone and caring for their children that the other parent gets to walk away free like she never even had them. I do more for these kids than ALL of their blood relatives. Even though I am married I spend MY hard earned money on school clothes,etc. Their dad doesn't even do it. SO basically these kids wouldn't have ish if it wasn't for ME. I'm the one that goes without for them.

 

[Mortons]

I never said I wanted to walk away from my stepchildren, Their MOTHER abandoned them, NOT ME. I am still caring for these children. I am taking all the heat but I am the one SACRIFICING for these kids. One winter when I bought the kids winter coats their mother made the comment "Good, now I can save my money" What kind of ish is that? I know it is not the children's fault, but I don't believe when you marry someone and caring for their children that the other parent gets to walk away free like she never even had them. I do more for these kids than ALL of their blood relatives. Even though I am married I spend MY hard earned money on school clothes,etc. Their dad doesn't even do it. SO basically these kids wouldn't have ish if it wasn't for ME. I'm the one that goes without for them.

Red flag on the play........

 

[Maynard]

I disagree profoundly.

We've gone from you need to treat all the children equally, to you need to give more to the non-biological children because their mom and dad are not living together, which is the position taken by the husband's relatives, and it's creating all this drama. When people show preference for a child, children do not think, oh, it's because his mom and dad are not together, they want to make sure he is okay. No. They think the child who is getting preferential treatment is "better" or more loved than the child not getting preferential treatment.

The relatives started that crap, and now, you have the "special" children, and the non-special ones. The OP is trying to make her kids feel special too, and though it is not the highest ground, I can't blame her.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!

As a kid, I didn't realize I was lucky to have my dad around. I didnt look at that as an asset. I didnt think I was "better" than them cause I saw my Daddy everyday. I constantly felt slighted b/c my grandmother ALWAYS went above and beyond for them... She even went as far as telling one of my cousins (who was bummed about failing a grade and having to go to SS) that she was gonna be "smarter" than me, cause she got to go to 5th grade twice. WTF?

I didnt understand the dynamics of why she did what she did UNTIL I was an adult. The damage is done.

 

[mshoney2u]

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!

As a kid, I didn't realize I was lucky to have my dad around. I didn't look at that as an asset. I didnt think I was "better" than them cause I saw my Daddy everyday. I constantly felt slighted b/c my grandmother ALWAYS went above and beyond for them... She even went as far as telling one of my cousins (who was bummed about failing a grade and having to go to SS) that she was gonna be "smarter" than me, cause she got to go to 5th grade twice. WTF?

I didn't understand the dynamics of why she did what she did UNTIL I was an adult. The damage is done.

You know what Gin? I aint even gonna lie. I am calling your bluff. Something deep down is tell me this is hurt talk. I feel like you gotta big heart and your were deeply hurt by what happened to you as a child with your grandma. I think that if you were to ever get involved with a man with a good child or good children and you were around them a lot you would get attached to them and you would love them like your own. I maybe wrong but really feel like this. I really am sorry that your grandmother treated you like that it was totally unfair.


OP I am gonna tell ya how I feel and what I have observed. I really think you are a beautiful person. From your font you seem really, really sweet and really hurt by this whole situation. I think it is out of your character to treat any of those children any different. I also think that you know that it is wrong and you are really uncomfortable about how you wanna make yourself feel. Hints this thread. Any women that can treat a child different in anyway based solely on the fact that she didn't give birth to that child is not only acting selfish, that behavior borderlines evil. Your in-laws are being evil babe. Don't let them make you act evil. You are those children's mother by every sense of the word. You do for those kids. You have given your blood for those babies. You love them. You bonded with those first two children before you gave birth to your last two. But the last two you are territorial over cause you know cant nobody take them away from you and you dont want ANYBODY mistreating them. It's not about blood. You know that. You have your in laws all in the mix and their deadbeat egg incubator is still in the picture. You were never able to let yourself develop a full bond with the first two because you were scared and that is understandable. What if your in-laws take them? What if their incubator wants them back? What if you and your husband divorce? That's scary to bond with a child, all for them to be gone one day or break your heart.

1. You gotta have faith. People dont ever forgot how you treat them, especially at critical times in their lives. You only have control over your behavior. A child knows when you genuinely love them and do for them and they will NEVER, EVER forget that. If they do caught amnesia, Remember they will alway need you before you need them. Blood maybe thicker than water but it is not thicker than love.

2. Get your in-laws out of your business. You need to put some folks in their places. You are the woman of that house. Those kids live with YOU and your husband. Put your foot down babe. Stand up for yourself. Dont let them think they can run over you.

3. You are taking care of those kids and have been for a long time. Why haven't you adopted those kids. Thats crazy. You love those kids, dont you? You believe in your marriage, dont you. You husband supports you, doesn't he? That is Intermediate YOUR family. That is your circle, your little team. Your husband, you and your kids. Take control over your situation.

 

[mshoney2u]

Food for thought?
This is for those that are all about DNA and blood AND believe in God.

My granny always said you never saw a U-haul following hurst. Meaning you cant take material possessions with you right?

When you leave this earth meaning YOU, your soul right. That is ALL that goes right. Your personality is you and you are your soul.

You skin, your bones, your tissue and hum..... your blood....... your DNA is all left behind to perish. Your DNA is perishable! Love is not.

A lot of your life experiences, the environment you grow up in as a child and the different types of relationships you have with people influences you personality (your soul).

 

[illustrioussplendor]

You know what Gin? I aint even gonna lie. I am calling your bluff. Something deep down is tell me this is hurt talk. I feel like you gotta big heart and your were deeply hurt by what happened to you as a child with your grandma. I think that if you were to ever get involved with a man with a good child or good children and you were around them a lot you would get attached to them and you would love them like your own. I maybe wrong but really feel like this. I really am sorry that your grandmother treated you like that it was totally unfair.


OP I am gonna tell ya how I feel and what I have observed. I really think you are a beautiful person. From your font you seem really, really sweet and really hurt by this whole situation. I think it is out of your character to treat any of those children any different. I also think that you know that it is wrong and you are really uncomfortable about how you wanna make yourself feel. Hints this thread. Any women that can treat a child different in anyway based solely on the fact that she didn't give birth to that child is not only acting selfish, that behavior borderlines evil. Your in-laws are being evil babe. Don't let them make you act evil. You are those children's mother by every sense of the word. You do for those kids. You have given your blood for those babies. You love them. You bonded with those first two children before you gave birth to your last two. But the last two you are territorial over cause you know cant nobody take them away from you and you dont want ANYBODY mistreating them. It's not about blood. You know that. You have your in laws all in the mix and their deadbeat egg incubator is still in the picture. You were never able to let yourself develop a full bond with the first two because you were scared and that is understandable. What if your in-laws take them? What if their incubator wants them back? What if you and your husband divorce? That's scary to bond with a child, all for them to be gone one day or break your heart.

1. You gotta have faith. People dont ever forgot how you treat them, especially at critical times in their lives. You only have control over your behavior. A child knows when you genuinely love them and do for them and they will NEVER, EVER forget that. If they do caught amnesia, Remember they will alway need you before you need them. Blood maybe thicker than water but it is not thicker than love.

2. Get your in-laws out of your business. You need to put some folks in their places. You are the woman of that house. Those kids live with YOU and your husband. Put your foot down babe. Stand up for yourself. Dont let them think they can run over you.

3. You are taking care of those kids and have been for a long time. Why haven't you adopted those kids. Thats crazy. You love those kids, dont you? You believe in your marriage, dont you. You husband supports you, doesn't he? That is Intermediate YOUR family. That is your circle, your little team. Your husband, you and your kids. Take control over your situation.

I haven't adopted the kids, because I know lord forbid if my husband died, I know those in laws would take me through hell trying to go to court to get them, and I'm tired of battling with them. I been through that once when we went to court trying to gain custody of his son. I don't want to go through that with them again. It was way too much stress for me. So even though I do love them and it would hurt my children to separated from their siblings I just can't go through that again, and if I adopted them and decided that I didn't want their mother in their lives at all since she is not consistent anyway, the in laws would be right there being an advocate for her "rights". My stepchildren did spend the summer with their mother, and would you believe that when I saw them they wouldn't even speak to me. It's like they forgot who has been in their corner all these years, and who is going to be in their corner when she isn't. The few times they are in her presence it is so obvious that she does not want to be bothered and its more of a just to shut us up thing. Since they've been home she hasn't called them or anything. The only way they hear from her is if she is talking to the in laws.

 

[LunadeMiel]

I haven't adopted the kids, because I know lord forbid if my husband died, I know those in laws would take me through hell trying to go to court to get them, and I'm tired of battling with them. I been through that once when we went to court trying to gain custody of his son. I don't want to go through that with them again. It was way too much stress for me. So even though I do love them and it would hurt my children to separated from their siblings I just can't go through that again, and if I adopted them and decided that I didn't want their mother in their lives at all since she is not consistent anyway, the in laws would be right there being an advocate for her "rights". My stepchildren did spend the summer with their mother, and would you believe that when I saw them they wouldn't even speak to me. It's like they forgot who has been in their corner all these years, and who is going to be in their corner when she isn't. The few times they are in her presence it is so obvious that she does not want to be bothered and its more of a just to shut us up thing. Since they've been home she hasn't called them or anything. The only way they hear from her is if she is talking to the in laws.

My grandmother has a saying (whether right or wrong), "when it comes to other people's children, wash one side and leave the other".
The bolded does not surprise me at all....
Girl, go ahead and pamper your babies... The more you post the more I'm convinced that is the right thing to do.
Also, why should you adopt children with two able bodied parents...erplexed?

 

[january noir]

Im married and a mother. My husband has a son who does not live with us. Yes I do have a stepchild.

NO my husband DOES NOT expect me to take ANY responsibilty for his child even when said child lived with us for months because said childs mother had serious surgery. Said childs mother is also not up to par but thats for a different thread

HE TOOK RESPONSIBLITY FOR BOTH KIDS BECAUSE THEY ARE HIS CHILDREN. I have one child and I make it known so as to not CONFUSE anyone where I stand. I care about the welfare of his son yes of course hes a child but other than that I will not lose any sleep for said child he has a mother and father for that.

Thats the way it is with ME. so yes the OP has alot of decisions to make. With me you either love it or leave it. My child will ALWAYS COME FIRST.
I also refuse to confuse my child that she is in competition(sp) with said child cause in the end no matter how bad a mother is 9 times out of 10 said child will kick you in the face for their deadbeat mother in a heartbeat. Can you blame them??? its biological....

I see what you are saying for your situation. In the OPs case (if I read it right) she raised those kids and they have lived with her and her husband since they were little. Though the mother is still around, the OP IS their mother. Being a mother doesn't necessarily mean you are a mother 'cause you birthed a child.

At this stage of the game she has a moral obligation to continue to treat her step children no differently then her biological children.

 

[january noir]

I see what you are saying for your situation. In the OPs case (if I read it right) she raised those kids and they have lived with her and her husband since they were little. Though the mother is still around, the OP IS their mother. Being a mother doesn't necessarily mean you are a mother 'cause you birthed a child.

At this stage of the game she has a moral obligation to continue to treat her step children no differently then her biological children.

And might I add that it's OK and human to feel the way the OP does, but the right thing to do is to resist it for the sake of the children.

Of course there will be different 'treatments' of different children because of behaviour or other needs but it should not be because one is a step child and the other is a biological child. It's wrong.

 

[january noir]

I haven't adopted the kids, because I know lord forbid if my husband died, I know those in laws would take me through hell trying to go to court to get them, and I'm tired of battling with them. I been through that once when we went to court trying to gain custody of his son. I don't want to go through that with them again. It was way too much stress for me. So even though I do love them and it would hurt my children to separated from their siblings I just can't go through that again, and if I adopted them and decided that I didn't want their mother in their lives at all since she is not consistent anyway, the in laws would be right there being an advocate for her "rights". My stepchildren did spend the summer with their mother, and would you believe that when I saw them they wouldn't even speak to me. It's like they forgot who has been in their corner all these years, and who is going to be in their corner when she isn't. The few times they are in her presence it is so obvious that she does not want to be bothered and its more of a just to shut us up thing. Since they've been home she hasn't called them or anything. The only way they hear from her is if she is talking to the in laws.

I understand there is pain here and I don't blame you for feeling like this, but these are children and they know not what they do. They are only reacting because that is how children are. They probably feel just as helpless as you do because they know their mother chooses NOT to have them with her. You are the adult and you must act accordingly; even if it's hard to do.

I hate to say it, but that's why, as another poster put it, you don't marry or get with men who already have children if you have a choice.

 

[Blossoming^]

Theirs something wrong with it if the other children feel that they are being treated differently. I haven't read through the entire thread but i'm hoping you mean just picking up simple things here and their like a toy or outfit for your little ones. And Not that you don't want to spend a dime on the other children.

 

[prettypuff1]

To the people saying that she has four children, how are you getting at this?
She gave birth to 2, her husband has 4 children, she does not. From what I gathered from the OP she has no legal claims to her husband's children...
Also, if she and her husband were to divorce, would she still have "four" children?
When does she stop being their mother?

She doesn't have two, she has four kids. If they live with her, and she is raising them, then they are her kids... Plain and simple. This is splitting hairs and not in a good way. I don't care if she didn't birth them she is raising them. Her Hubby is a package deal. If my SO told me that he was buying things for my the children we have together and not my son form a previous relationship, then we would be over. He has to love those kids and be fair to all children that are living under our roof.

This is creating a division in the household that doesnt need to be there. What could she be buying for her biological kids that the other ones don't need? What kind of damage would that do to the kids, Their Biomom is a fool and now the mother they do have is treating them like a second class citizen. Its sending the message to the other kids that "Mommy, doesn't love me the same as the other kids". that is one way to really screw up a kid...

 

[mshoney2u]

I haven't adopted the kids, because I know lord forbid if my husband died, I know those in laws would take me through hell trying to go to court to get them, and I'm tired of battling with them. I been through that once when we went to court trying to gain custody of his son. I don't want to go through that with them again. It was way too much stress for me. So even though I do love them and it would hurt my children to separated from their siblings I just can't go through that again, and if I adopted them and decided that I didn't want their mother in their lives at all since she is not consistent anyway, the in laws would be right there being an advocate for her "rights". My stepchildren did spend the summer with their mother, and would you believe that when I saw them they wouldn't even speak to me. It's like they forgot who has been in their corner all these years, and who is going to be in their corner when she isn't. The few times they are in her presence it is so obvious that she does not want to be bothered and its more of a just to shut us up thing. Since they've been home she hasn't called them or anything. The only way they hear from her is if she is talking to the in laws.

I just knew! I knew the story would be somewhat like this. I dont think this is a loving Bio vs step children situation with you or I dont think it is about spending more time or buying extra thing for your kids. Is it the fact that you are just tired of all the drama? If those other factors wasn't included you would have adopted those kids and your situation wouldn't be as it is. I just had this feeling you weren't like that. It was more to it. You tired girl and I don't blame you. I kinda blame your husband. I bet you if he told her yea you can see them as soon as you take me to court and pay child support, the court will issue out visitation as they see fit. Until then I don't want no parts of you. Once you adopt I know its has to be laws to protect you from her coming back if you put it in the agreement. If your husband told his grandma to butt the hell out long time ago and if she didn't he wouldn't have anything to do with her they chick may not be staying with her now. This situation is out of hand and now that you told me more. I don't blame YOU how YOU feel. Sometime you gotta over look kids but this ain't the best situation. I don't know babe I cant say that it is right what you are talking about doing but I cant say that I blame you or I wouldnt feel or want to or even do the same thing if I was in your shoe. All I can say is I understand how you feel. I don't think it is you. I think your in laws play a major role, the bio mom plays a supporting role and your husband serves as an extra. I really do hope things workout for you. I really do causes you seem like a sweet women. If you need to vent you can always PM me. I will listen, not judge, just listen. I came from a situation with a father and a bio mother who was not a mother that is all I am gonna say and I have a stepmother whom I adore and I met her when I was 18 and I grow up with my mother. My bio mom has now tried to chance and says her little stuff her and there but I know who has been there for me this women has done more for me in 10 years the she has in 28 and it not material it showing me genuine love.

 

[Maynard]

You know what Gin? I aint even gonna lie. I am calling your bluff. Something deep down is tell me this is hurt talk. I feel like you gotta big heart and your were deeply hurt by what happened to you as a child with your grandma. I think that if you were to ever get involved with a man with a good child or good children and you were around them a lot you would get attached to them and you would love them like your own. I maybe wrong but really feel like this. I really am sorry that your grandmother treated you like that it was totally unfair.

The thing about it is that I am involved with a man with children, whom I care for very much. I realize that there is only so much you can do. I have felt the way OP has felt in many ways. My SO's kids mother is a deadbeat as well. I see how they "turn" on me and act brand new when mama buys a pack of socks after doing NOTHING for six months. I am attached, but at the same time, I am a realist with the fact that I am not their mother and when we have children of our own, I will naturally take more to them. I will not let anyone make me feel guilty about doing for them.

You are right. I am hurt by what my grandmother did to me as a child. She may have done what she deemed best at the time, but as a result, I resented her and my cousins for a long time. My cuzzos turned out just as expected, and she still to this day continues to make excuses for them. I cant do anything about that.

The thing about this is there are two distinct issues the OP is dealing with here: One issue with her and the stepchildren and the other issue of her children's relationship with their grandparents. I can relate to both. I have played the part of the "jilted" grandchild, and I have also played the part of the "jilted" stepmom.

 

[mshoney2u]

^^How you and sans explained it now I know why you two feel the way that you do. I was attached to my dad from jump. He was the one doing for me so of course when my step mom got in the picture it was cool for the most part. We would have our issues here and there but we were pretty close. I think the BIGGEST factor of why my family sitiation worked was my dad.He has a low tolarence for foolishness. He didn't let outsider influnce come into our family unit. Thank you both for sharing your stories with me. I forgot what the major reason why I would never do guys with kids (even if I had kids) its because of thing like this. I am extremely terrorial and I have a big heart and get attached easy. The stuff yall talking about is so common in blended families and I couldn't deal with.

 

[firecracker]

I also think that its mostly the father who has to step and do what he has to do for his children whether his wife is participating or not. In the End He is their biological father who is still claiming responsibility for them. It is up to him to make sure that their are emotionally and financially stable.

What if he felt the opposite of what you stated with regards to the two they have together? Ok they have a loving mom that is in house so maybe he should do like the grandparents and make a difference. Not saying folks don't do this all the time but sheesh. Those kids were there and she raised them before she had her own two. I really don't get it. If a man was acting like that to a woman I think some of us would be up in arms.

 

[ntrlbeauty87]

My answer to the OP is don't ask us. Because you can clearly see the difference of opinions on this board. What should be happening is all the adults(including the father) should sit down together and calmly discuss what is going on. Everyone should put everything on the table to work out a solution, because both sets of children are being treated differently and you guys need to decide how you're going to keep things equal. Also OP, maybe instead of just spending quality time with your children, why not do the same with you step children as well. Or better yet, just do individual time with each child. Because there is a solution that will work and make each child feel loved and special. I just think the key is communication on the adults parts.

 

[FluffyRed]

interesting discussion

 

[deltagyrl]

Im married and a mother. My husband has a son who does not live with us. Yes I do have a stepchild.

NO my husband DOES NOT expect me to take ANY responsibilty for his child even when said child lived with us for months because said childs mother had serious surgery. Said childs mother is also not up to par but thats for a different thread

HE TOOK RESPONSIBLITY FOR BOTH KIDS BECAUSE THEY ARE HIS CHILDREN. I have one child and I make it known so as to not CONFUSE anyone where I stand. I care about the welfare of his son yes of course hes a child but other than that I will not lose any sleep for said child he has a mother and father for that.

Thats the way it is with ME. so yes the OP has alot of decisions to make. With me you either love it or leave it. My child will ALWAYS COME FIRST.
I also refuse to confuse my child that she is in competition(sp) with said child cause in the end no matter how bad a mother is 9 times out of 10 said child will kick you in the face for their deadbeat mother in a heartbeat. Can you blame them??? its biological....

That is absolutely awful. I hope your biological child(ren) never end up as steps....

 

[sky_blu]

I think that it is NOT okay, if the step-children are made to feel inferior/less deserving.

EXACTLY! I was a stepchild so if I know how it feels and how I would treat STEPchildren if I had any. If I married a man with children prior to us meeting then I accept his children as my own. If you buy for one you buy for all. Thats JMO.

 

[sky_blu]

She doesn't have two, she has four kids. If they live with her, and she is raising them, then they are her kids... Plain and simple. This is splitting hairs and not in a good way. I don't care if she didn't birth them she is raising them. Her Hubby is a package deal. If my SO told me that he was buying things for my the children we have together and not my son form a previous relationship, then we would be over. He has to love those kids and be fair to all children that are living under our roof.

This is creating a division in the household that doesnt need to be there. What could she be buying for her biological kids that the other ones don't need? What kind of damage would that do to the kids, Their Biomom is a fool and now the mother they do have is treating them like a second class citizen. Its sending the message to the other kids that "Mommy, doesn't love me the same as the other kids". that is one way to really screw up a kid...

Everything thats bold especially the bigger portion. Thats exactly what it was like in my household dealing with a stepmother. Now that Im older I can get where she was coming from because my stepmother is only 12 years older than me, she was young and 19 when she met my dad. But that situation showed me how I would be if I had children through marriage.

 

[VettaVetta]

If people feel so bad about being with someone with kids then you should never take that step write down what you want in a spouse and if children is not on that list keep stepping (no pun intended) because when you get in a relationship with someone it's a package not an option. I too was a stepchild and was treated like a wicked stepchild. People need to understand that you marry the kids when you marry the man/women also should not discriminate