Biological Children vs. Stepchildren

[syze6]

I think that its ridiculous for you to feel guilty or let someone make you feel guilty because you want to do more for your own two children to whom you GAVE BIRTH TOO.

The bond is not and will never be the same. Its not as if you dont have any children of your own to bond with why the heck should your kids take the backseat for someone elses mistakes that have NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM.

Do for your children girl and tell who ever dont like it they can go find some rocks to go kick

I disagree with the bond not being same. I can take a newborn who I never carried and love that child as if I gave birth. Love is love and it covers many people. biological or not. People get caught up in the whole biological thing, and it's the children who lose in the end. If I found a baby in the garbage, that someone put there, my love for children kicks in and it doesn't matter if it's mine or not.

Just because she has her own, doesn;t mean she can now make a difference among the rest! You don't start something and then decide to change it. That doesn't work for children that you have raised from the age two. They are still dependant on that same love the came to know, no matter if ten biological children came next.

 

[syze6]

To the people saying that she has four children, how are you getting at this?
She gave birth to 2, her husband has 4 children, she does not. From what I gathered from the OP she has no legal claims to her husband's children...
Also, if she and her husband were to divorce, would she still have "four" children?
When does she stop being their mother?

She gained two when she decided to marry their dad. If I married a man with children, they become our children. She had two of her own, which makes a total of four children. She has four children, just like she has one husband.

 

[LunadeMiel]

She gained two when she decided to marry their dad. If I married a man with children, they become our children. She had two of her own, which makes a total of four children. She has four children, just like she has one husband.

Interesting....
So, if they were to divorce, then does she lose them.....?

 

[HisBestFriend]

Humans are humans are humans. Treating a stepchild right and having it come back on you hurts no less and sometimes even more than if the child is yours biologically. It's sad but true that human nature is to Bite the Hand that feeds you.

Again, I know from experience. But the bottom line is that Children Learn What the Live.

In the future, if the OP expects her step children to treat her in a decent manner than she must do everything she can to begin that same treatment.

I do not make any claims that it is easy. And yes a child will favor a biological over a step-parent almost 90% of the time. But the issue here is why give that child solid, unrefutable reasons to do so?

People, children, always look for someone else to blame their problems on. OP's step-children would have valid reason to be a bit salty if she continues to favor her own children.

You know I read the posts of people who were stepkids and there is always the same strain of "they loved their biologicals over me/us" OP is setting her family up for future misery.

 

[HisBestFriend]

Interesting....
So, if they were to divorce, then does she lose them.....?

In this and most situations, yes she does/would. I only know of two situations where a step-mother and bio father divorced and the step-mother remained in the children's lives. In both of these cases the stepmother loved the kids fiercely and since they also have siblings with her they kept the family intact.

 

[syze6]

Interesting....
So, if they were to divorce, then does she lose them.....?

If they divorce, I would hope the love they built between them will still be there. Just becaue she divorces the dad, doesn't mean her love for the children goes anywhere. Look at Jada and Will Smith, his son doesn't live with Jada but she loves him as her own. She has two of her own, and she choose to embrace him as her own. It shouldn't matter if the children live with you or not, that love for the dad, should be the same for his children.

 

[fuchsiastar]

Yes he was.
And if he didnt and doesnt I have some rocks on standby for him.
I have very strong beliefs when it comes to this situation.
Im not trying to be cold but it is what it is....
But at the same time
he loves his children so much its not an issue....
the only thing he really expects from me
that we have agreed on is that he has food in the
house for his children.that man cant boil water..

I guess I just lucked out on this one...

wow me and LunadeMiel are devils advocates for the day

I'm glad that the situation that you describe has worked for you, BKVincy. "Everythang ain't for everybody" as the old folks say, so I am glad you found what works for you and stick with it. It might just be that you and LunadeMiel are the only ones who have a first hand experience and have seen what can happen if the situation goes bad. I think ya'll are just secure in your opinion, as others are in theirs.

In all, we respectfully disagree so its all good.

In reality, I might be living this situation in a few years. I hope I can be a good mother.

 

[LunadeMiel]

In this and most situations, yes she does/would. I only know of two situations where a step-mother and bio father divorced and the step-mother remained in the children's lives. In both of these cases the stepmother loved the kids fiercely and since they also have siblings with her they kept the family intact.

Then this IMO shows that it is not the same. Most mothers will not leave their bio/adopted children once a divorce occurs. The fact that most women will not continue a relationship with a stepchild says a lot.... When Halle Berry was married to Eric Benet she swore that was her child and professed (?) so much love for her. Once she divorced Eric, she no longer had any contact with the daughter.

 

[BKVincy]

I'm glad that the situation that you describe has worked for you, BKVincy. "Everythang ain't for everybody" as the old folks say, so I am glad you found what works for you and stick with it. It might just be that you and LunadeMiel are the only ones who have a first hand experience and have seen what can happen if the situation goes bad. I think ya'll are just secure in your opinion, as others are in theirs.

In all, we respectfully disagree so its all good.

In reality, I might be living this situation in a few years. I hope I can be a good mother.

ITA
Im proud that we are in a grown folks discussion and can keep it civil

 

[BKVincy]

Then this IMO shows that it is not the same. Most mothers will not leave their bio/adopted children once a divorce occurs. The fact that most women will not continue a relationship with a stepchild says a lot.... When Halle Berry was married to Eric Benet she swore that was her child and professed (?) so much love for her. Once she divorced Eric, she no longer had any contact with the daughter.

which is again NORMAL.
I would hate to believe that there are people out there that thinks that this doesnt happens after divorce....
Thats just not the reality

 

[HisBestFriend]

Come on now there has to be some sort of reality check and common sense applied here.

No one said that there isn't a difference but as a parent you have to do ALL that you can to eliminate the difference. Not go out of your way to make the difference apparant.

 

[Mortons]

Then this IMO shows that it is not the same. Most mothers will not leave their bio/adopted children once a divorce occurs. The fact that most women will not continue a relationship with a stepchild says a lot.... When Halle Berry was married to Eric Benet she swore that was her child and professed (?) so much love for her. Once she divorced Eric, she no longer had any contact with the daughter.

Not true. If my mom divorced my step dad I would have gone with him and not my mom, even though she is my biological parent and I have whatever imaginary bond tied to her

 

[LunadeMiel]

Not true. If my mom divorced my step dad I would have gone with him and not my mom, even though she is my biological parent and I have whatever imaginary bond tied to her

Then your situation is Unique....It's clear that you favor your stepdad. My experience was definitely the opposite....

 

[Mortons]

Then your situation is Unique....It's clear that you favor your stepdad. My experience was definitely the opposite....

I wouldn't say I favored him I would say he favored me. He never treated us any differently than he did his own child, and for that we loved him with all our hearts. His sperm didn't make me but he is still my daddy.

 

[BKVincy]

Then your situation is Unique....It's clear that you favor your stepdad. My experience was definitely the opposite....

Clearly

I wouldn't say I favored him I would say he favored me. He never treated us any differently than he did his own child, and for that we loved him with all our hearts. His sperm didn't make me but he is still my daddy.

WOW now theres a twist...
as much as I had a stepfather who didnt mistreat me or was nice to me
and my mother could have been a better mom Im not throwing her up for no one...I dont know your entire situation but for me thats where my loyalties lie...
everyones different Im glad the OP can see different views

 

[Browndilocks]

Im married and a mother. My husband has a son who does not live with us. Yes I do have a stepchild.

NO my husband DOES NOT expect me to take ANY responsibilty for his child even when said child lived with us for months because said childs mother had serious surgery. Said childs mother is also not up to par but thats for a different thread

HE TOOK RESPONSIBLITY FOR BOTH KIDS BECAUSE THEY ARE HIS CHILDREN. I have one child and I make it known so as to not CONFUSE anyone where I stand. I care about the welfare of his son yes of course hes a child but other than that I will not lose any sleep for said child he has a mother and father for that.

Thats the way it is with ME. so yes the OP has alot of decisions to make. With me you either love it or leave it. My child will ALWAYS COME FIRST.
I also refuse to confuse my child that she is in competition(sp) with said child cause in the end no matter how bad a mother is 9 times out of 10 said child will kick you in the face for their deadbeat mother in a heartbeat. Can you blame them??? its biological....

I have seen this happen dozens of times. It doesn't matter what you do for a child. They will leave you flat for their biological mother with no hesitation. It doesn't matter if the mother is running the streets and living in a crack house. If presented with the opportunity, most of the time, a child will leave that huge warm brass bed with high thread count sheets that you purchased for them and will curl up in fetal position in a piss infested corner at night if it meant being with their mother.

 

[syze6]

I wouldn't say I favored him I would say he favored me. He never treated us any differently than he did his own child, and for that we loved him with all our hearts. His sperm didn't make me but he is still my daddy.

Bingo! That's the power of love. It's not a case of biological ties. My older brother is not my father and my dad was there when he was a baby. He has always treated all of us the SAME! My brother know his biological dad, but will scream to high heavens, my dad'd name when ask about his father! It doesn't matter!

 

[BKVincy]

I have seen this happen dozens of times. It doesn't matter what you do for a child. They will leave you flat for their biological mother with no hesitation. It doesn't matter if the mother is running the streets and living in a crack house. If presented with the opportunity, most of the time, a child will leave that huge warm brass bed with high thread count sheets that you purchased for them and will curl up in fetal position in a piss infested corner at night if it meant being with their mother.

OK
let them get an inkling that things "will change between them and their biological parent"
please
no boots in my face thanks but no thanks

 

[dlewis]

This is why I never dated men with kids.

 

[MizzBrown]

Why would a woman even bother marrying a man with children if she intends to treat them differently from jump?

When you go out and you introduce them, do you say "these are my two kids and these two are my husbands from a previous relationship..." Are you really gonna say that or are you gonna say "these are my kids".

Why bother getting married if you are married and living like two seperate families?? What is the point?

Since you dont want to do anything for the new additions in the family then don't join the family!

This bothers me because i came from a blended family. To think that my SISTER would be treated that much differently in our household would've caused a rift.

 

[Browndilocks]

I really don't have a personal experience to relate to this scenario, but I don't get the impression that the OP is trying to treat the step children differently, as if they are cast offs or anything. I just think she wants to bond more with her own biological children, and she has a right to do that.

At the end of the day, her step children still have their biological mother who is within close proximity. Too close for comfort IMHO. So no matter how much of a deadbeat the biological mother is, one can argue that the step children are actually getting more attention simply based on the people within their immediate reach. They have the benefits of their biological mother when she's acting right, the father, and father's family, as well as the step mother. Perhaps the behavior of the father's family and their detetmination to make the step kids feel included has in turn made the OP feel that her biological children have had less attention.

 

[Maynard]

I have seen this happen dozens of times. It doesn't matter what you do for a child. They will leave you flat for their biological mother with no hesitation. It doesn't matter if the mother is running the streets and living in a crack house. If presented with the opportunity, most of the time, a child will leave that huge warm brass bed with high thread count sheets that you purchased for them and will curl up in fetal position in a piss infested corner at night if it meant being with their mother.

Can anybody say "Keyshia Cole"?

 

[LunadeMiel]

Can anybody say "Keyshia Cole"?

I've always wondered why her adopted mom wasn't on the show.....

 

[Maynard]

I wonder if the grandmother are doing "extra" for the youngest two....

My grandmother always said "Honey, favor aint fair"

Now, I'm sure that she was referring to Jesus when she said that, but it applies in this situation as well. The oldest get favored by their grandmother and she favors her biological children. It aint fair. :shrugs:

 

[Maynard]

I really don't have a personal experience to relate to this scenario, but I don't get the impression that the OP is trying to treat the step children differently, as if they are cast offs or anything. I just think she wants to bond more with her own biological children, and she has a right to do that.

At the end of the day, her step children still have their biological mother who is within close proximity. Too close for comfort IMHO. So no matter how much of a deadbeat the biological mother is, one can argue that the step children are actually getting more attention simply based on the people within their immediate reach. They have the benefits of their biological mother when she's acting right, the father, and father's family, as well as the step mother. Perhaps the behavior of the father's family and their detetmination to make the step kids feel included has in turn made the OP feel that her biological children have had less attention.

I totally agree with you, especially the bolded.

 

[Country gal]

I have seen this happen dozens of times. It doesn't matter what you do for a child. They will leave you flat for their biological mother with no hesitation. It doesn't matter if the mother is running the streets and living in a crack house. If presented with the opportunity, most of the time, a child will leave that huge warm brass bed with high thread count sheets that you purchased for them and will curl up in fetal position in a piss infested corner at night if it meant being with their mother.

Many of you are comparing the actions of a child to an adult. Children will still love someone that has phyiscally hurt them. It's just in their nature. As you get older than you start to seperate yourself from harmfull indiviuals even parents.

 

[Country gal]

This is why I never dated men with kids.

Yes, but you should hope you and DH stay together forever. Listening to the comments in this thread, your children may be treated differently if you choose to remarry.

My kid has a step mom. If I ever get an whiff that she treats my kid different or poorly than it's her ***.

 

[LunadeMiel]

Yes, but you should hope you and DH stay together forever. Listening to the comments in this thread, your children may be treated differently if you choose to remarry.

My kid has a step mom. If I ever get an whiff that she treats my kid different or poorly than it's her ***.

Do you expect her to treat him like her Child or do you expect her to respect him? I just don't think anyone should be obligated to "care" for a child that isn't his/hers

 

[Maynard]

Yes, but you should hope you and DH stay together forever. Listening to the comments in this thread, your children may be treated differently if you choose to remarry.

My kid has a step mom. If I ever get an whiff that she treats my kid different or poorly than it's her ***.

I'm not getting that at all. Based on the OP, she stated that sometimes she just wants to do some things with her own two. There is nothing wrong with that. IMO its to be expected at some point.

She already stated that the inlaws treat her children differently. What about that situation? Is it fair that the other kids get "extra" attention cause their mama is a deadbeat? Is it those (younger) kids fault that their mama knows how to say no to drugs? How is that relationship (grandmother) gonna affect these children in the longrun?

IMO, its all about favor and it aint fair. As long as she isnt denying the older children anything, I dont see anything wrong with it. I'm sure those older kids are getting things/time/attention that her children arent just because of the fact they have a messed up mama.

 

[Maynard]

My kid has a step mom. If I ever get an whiff that she treats my kid different or poorly than it's her ***.

In reality what are you gonna do about it? Deny your child's father visits? Or actually take the childish route of fighting the lady? Just hope and pray that your kids step mom has a heart as wide as Texas. That's all that you can really do.