Biological Children vs. Stepchildren

I would feel differently had the children not been SO young, toddler/babies, when they came to live with you.

It's one thing when a ten-year-old moves in, quite another when it's a toddler/baby and you have been the one cleaning their little butts and rocking them to sleep at night.

That's just heartbreaking.
 
I dont see anything wrong with wanting to do special things for the children she birthed. Im not advocating doing these things in the other children face, but when its just them why cant see treat them to something special just the 3 of them? The fact of the matter is she is not wrong for not having the same bond with her children and having say a different bond with the other step-children. The bond she has with her own is instinctive, nothing developed out of cruelty or malicious thought. Its just the way it is.
 
sky_blu said:
EXACTLY! I was a stepchild so if I know how it feels and how I would treat STEPchildren if I had any. If I married a man with children prior to us meeting then I accept his children as my own. If you buy for one you buy for all. Thats JMO.
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I was a step child too. I never wanted to date guys with kids, but if I would have fallen for one I would definitely treat the step child the same as my children. Same rules in my house and same rewards!

Thanks God DH has no kids!
 
i know this is an old post but i want to try to offer a suggestion. I will side with the ladies who say don't treat the kids differently. I do think it is ok to spend individualized time with your own... if you were to drop the other 2 kids off at granmas or off somewhere they consider "fun", and then you and your 2 kids can do something fun also. You have to go about it the right way, without making it seem unbalanced like you taking you kids to something fun like disneyworld while the other 2 only get to go to granmas. And if you only have enough money to buy your kids something, then i think it's only fair that you ask DH or granma to give you money so you will have enough for the other 2 kids. I think the real issue lies with the inlaws treating your kids different. If i were in this situation and I tried to nicely communicate how i felt about the inlaws hurting my children. then i would be done with talking, i would set a new rule...there will be no toys/clothes/gifts entering my house unless it's for all 4 children OR if you are rewarding one of them. For instance, if granma wants to buy the 2 older kids a gameboy, then she has 3 choices: either she can buy the 2 kids a gameboy and leave it at granma's house. She can buy 4 gameboys. Or she can buy 2 gameboys and then ask me to purchase 2 gameboys for my kids so they will all receive one at the same time. I think it's only fair. Ain't nobody walkin up in MY HOUSE with some new clothes on and my kid aint get nothing... it aint happening.
 
BKVincy said:
Im married and a mother. My husband has a son who does not live with us. Yes I do have a stepchild.

NO my husband DOES NOT expect me to take ANY responsibilty for his child even when said child lived with us for months because said childs mother had serious surgery. Said childs mother is also not up to par but thats for a different thread:rolleyes:

HE TOOK RESPONSIBLITY FOR BOTH KIDS BECAUSE THEY ARE HIS CHILDREN. I have one child and I make it known so as to not CONFUSE anyone where I stand. I care about the welfare of his son yes of course hes a child but other than that I will not lose any sleep for said child he has a mother and father for that.

Thats the way it is with ME. so yes the OP has alot of decisions to make. With me you either love it or leave it. My child will ALWAYS COME FIRST.
I also refuse to confuse my child that she is in competition(sp) with said child cause in the end no matter how bad a mother is 9 times out of 10 said child will kick you in the face for their deadbeat mother in a heartbeat. Can you blame them??? its biological....
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ITA. Those kids will barely speak to me when they get around their mother. They forget I am the one that neglects my own needs to make sure they don't go without. When she gets money in her pocket she gets to spend it on herself. My money goes on them, and hair products!:lachen:
And that is supposed to be fair because I am married to their father.
 
If you were not willing to treat those kids as your own you should not have taken on the responsibility of raising them. When you decided to have a relationship with someone who has kids, the kids come as part of the deal/package. I think it is unfair to decide to treat the kids that came from your womb differently. I have only read the first post of this long thread and I noticed that the thread was started last year. I hope you have had a change of heart since then.

If you continue to treat these kids differently you will cause a lot of emotional damage and pain and problems that could lead to so many issues. I am speaking from experience. I have had stepmothers that showed me in so many subtle and not so subtle ways how they felt about me. This caused me a lot of pain. I had to have therapy in later life.

Any man or woman who love and want to make a life with a partner who has kids must be aware of the damage they can do to these kids.

What I find even more upsetting is the fact that you had these kids when they were babies which means you had plenty of time to bond with them, it also means that you have even more power to cause them damage. I think the family notice that you treat your kids differently and are overcompensating for this fact.

It is strange that your in laws are caring for this woman's children from another father though and though it shows that they are really kind people it must be upsetting for you because this is not normal and show that they still have a deep bond with the mother and in that situation you must be asking yourself where do you fit into this picture? Maybe that is the reason you feel the need to do more for your kids? Just be aware of the damage that this will cause. It is strange that they are willing to do so much for the ex and any woman would feel upset about this fact. If the situation is unbearble for you, tackle the adults about it, do not take it out on the kids.
 
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LunadeMiel said:
Interesting....:drunk:
So, if they were to divorce, then does she lose them.....:look:?
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To answer this, i have a friend in her 30s. She wasn't even married to but with "with" (live in girlfriend) to a man who had an infant when they met. for years she took care of this child as her own. she then had her first child with that man 2 years later and another 2 years after that. the bio moma aint worth crap and didn't even see her daughter for a majority of her life. The couple (my friend and her boyfriend) split up after about 6 years together. Because she was the moma to this child for the majority of her life, TILL THIS DAY (you can check every picture of her kids on facebook) SHE TREATS THAT CHILD LIKE SHE IS HER BIOLOGICAL DAUGHTER. Most of the time now, she stays with my friend. the only people in that house that child is biologically related to are her half sister and brother. goes on vacation with them. Most holidays she is with them. If she happens to spend one elsewhere, she has gifts ready. she throws birthday parties for her. she buys her school clothes/supplies.

In my own family, there is not shortage of "halfs" and "steps" and we treat each and every person like we are blood related. That is not my half cousin but my cousin.

If you dont feel like you can treat a step as your own, you need to get with someone without kids.

i have a little girl and am no longer with her father. a man bet not come near me acting like he can't treat her like she is his because he didn't shoot her out of his penis.
 
I disagree. I have a stepson as well, and he has a mother and a father that do for him. My children don't have an extra parent supplying their needs, so me doing for another child isn't fair to them.
 
evsbaby said:
If you were not willing to treat those kids as your own you should not have taken on the responsibility of raising them. When you decided to have a relationship with someone who has kids, the kids come as part of the deal/package. I think it is unfair to decide to treat the kids that came from your womb differently. I have only read the first post of this long thread and I noticed that the thread was started last year. I hope you have had a change of heart since then.

If you continue to treat these kids differently you will cause a lot of emotional damage and pain and problems that could lead to so many issues. I am speaking from experience. I have had stepmothers that showed me in so many subtle and not so subtle ways how they felt about me. This caused me a lot of pain. I had to have therapy in later life.

Any man or woman who love and want to make a life with a partner who has kids must be aware of the damage they can do to these kids.

What I find even more upsetting is the fact that you had these kids when they were babies which means you had plenty of time to bond with them, it also means that you have even more power to cause them damage. I think the family notice that you treat your kids differently and are overcompensating for this fact.

It is strange that your in laws are caring for this woman's children from another father though and though it shows that they are really kind people it must be upsetting for you because this is not normal and show that they still have a deep bond with the mother and in that situation you must be asking yourself where do you fit into this picture? Maybe that is the reason you feel the need to do more for your kids? Just be aware of the damage that this will cause. It is strange that they are willing to do so much for the ex and any woman would feel upset about this fact. If the situation is unbearble for you, tackle the adults about it, do not take it out on the kids.
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It seems that you have applied the pain you have endured in your situation to my situation.The fact that my husband had children before we got married was not an issue for me. The drama that has come along with that territory IS. I don't expect a prize for stepping up on taking on the COMPLETE role as MOTHER to my stepchildren, but I do expect RESPECT. I don't expect my authority to be undermined. I don't expect to have to take the backseat to their mother just because she gave them birth. I don't expect to be told "you're not their mother" when I make a decision that the grandparents don't agree with. I'm not perfect, but I am a human being with feelings and I don't deserve to be treated like crap, especially after all I have done. I been their for these kids more than their mother has. SHE is the one that has been negligent about their care not me. If she would have taken care of her own kids they would be living with her and we wouldn't have all these issues. I try to do the right thing by my husband, but everytime I turn around someone is pointing the finger at me. SHE messed up not me. How can I completely open up my heart to them just to have it broken time and time again. Keep in mind his family went to court on his kids' mother's side. They went AGAINST him. Even though they knew she was unfit. They tried to cover it up because they didn't want him to have custody of his own kid even though they were the ones to inform him of how unfit she was. They tried to convince him that he needed to marry her to prevent losing custody of his son. All of that was to try to push me out the picture. They used these kids to try and manipulate us, so when I had my kids they knew none of that would work anymore so the next thing was to treat my kids differently than my stepkids and their siblings. They showed no interest in my kids from day one. If I don't make my kids feel special who will. The grandparents definately make my stepkids feel special, and just because their mother is unfit does not give them reason to totally ignore my children.
 
sanserity30 said:
It seems that you have applied the pain you have endured in your situation to my situation.The fact that my husband had children before we got married was not an issue for me. The drama that has come along with that territory IS. I don't expect a prize for stepping up on taking on the COMPLETE role as MOTHER to my stepchildren, but I do expect RESPECT. I don't expect my authority to be undermined. I don't expect to have to take the backseat to their mother just because she gave them birth. I don't expect to be told "you're not their mother" when I make a decision that the grandparents don't agree with. I'm not perfect, but I am a human being with feelings and I don't deserve to be treated like crap, especially after all I have done. I been their for these kids more than their mother has. SHE is the one that has been negligent about their care not me. If she would have taken care of her own kids they would be living with her and we wouldn't have all these issues. I try to do the right thing by my husband, but everytime I turn around someone is pointing the finger at me. SHE messed up not me. How can I completely open up my heart to them just to have it broken time and time again. Keep in mind his family went to court on his kids' mother's side. They went AGAINST him. Even though they knew she was unfit. They tried to cover it up because they didn't want him to have custody of his own kid even though they were the ones to inform him of how unfit she was. They tried to convince him that he needed to marry her to prevent losing custody of his son. All of that was to try to push me out the picture. They used these kids to try and manipulate us, so when I had my kids they knew none of that would work anymore so the next thing was to treat my kids differently than my stepkids and their siblings. They showed no interest in my kids from day one. If I don't make my kids feel special who will. The grandparents definately make my stepkids feel special, and just because their mother is unfit does not give them reason to totally ignore my children.
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So this hasn't at all be resolved for you? And I am interested to hear what your husband has done about it..
 
Lnacen said:
So this hasn't at all be resolved for you? And I am interested to hear what your husband has done about it..
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A couple of weeks ago his mother and grandmother called him all upset asking him why we didn't call my stepchildren's sister for her birthday. My husband basically snapped and told his grandmother that she's calling him concerned about him calling my stepchildren's sister for her birthday but nobody is ever concerned about the family members calling my stepchildren but not my children on their birthday. She called him the devil and said she didn't know my kids birthday(which is a lie, because we've called her on my kids' birthdays to remind her and she's always too tired to talk to them on their birthdays.) Then her next excuse was because my husband was not sure about the paternity of my stepdaughter at first and he didn't get involved in her life til she was 6 months. He told her "you still holdin' that over my head, but I've been raising her for 8 years without their mother's help and you still put her on a pedestal. You even treat her other kids better than my kids."She said "well I know she don't do nothin' for the kids." So that was her justification for making differences. Then she told my husband "you didn't say anything when I treated you better than your brother and sister" He told her "well I didn't ask you to do that.YOU did that." So finally she said "Well I won't call NO kids for their birthday."Of course she would say this after she already sent birthday wishes to my stepkids this year. So basically if he don't let her make differences she's going to say forget all the kids.(But I know better, if she wants to do something special for the stepkids, she'll just do it through their mother. She'll pretend like the mother is doing it. Which is why she probably keeps her around to help her do her dirt. She could never get away with this if she didn't have the children's mom in her corner.) In spite of all this I still made sure my kids called her on her birthday. This woman even threatened to cause me physical harm because my husband wouldn't let her keep my stepson for the summer. This will never be resolved, the only thing we can do is not accept any gifts/phonecalls from her unless she does it for all four, but I can't force her to love my kids and I'm working through dealing with that. I pray that one day I will be able to get over it, but as of right now it still hurts.
 
MissRissa said:
To answer this, i have a friend in her 30s. She wasn't even married to but with "with" (live in girlfriend) to a man who had an infant when they met. for years she took care of this child as her own. she then had her first child with that man 2 years later and another 2 years after that. the bio moma aint worth crap and didn't even see her daughter for a majority of her life. The couple (my friend and her boyfriend) split up after about 6 years together. Because she was the moma to this child for the majority of her life, TILL THIS DAY (you can check every picture of her kids on facebook) SHE TREATS THAT CHILD LIKE SHE IS HER BIOLOGICAL DAUGHTER. Most of the time now, she stays with my friend. the only people in that house that child is biologically related to are her half sister and brother. goes on vacation with them. Most holidays she is with them. If she happens to spend one elsewhere, she has gifts ready. she throws birthday parties for her. she buys her school clothes/supplies.

In my own family, there is not shortage of "halfs" and "steps" and we treat each and every person like we are blood related. That is not my half cousin but my cousin.

If you dont feel like you can treat a step as your own, you need to get with someone without kids.

i have a little girl and am no longer with her father. a man bet not come near me acting like he can't treat her like she is his because he didn't shoot her out of his penis.
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The issue is not that they didn't come from my womb. Please see my last updated post!
 
(((((sanserity30)))))

You are in a difficult situation and it is very unfair. Follow your heart and do what you think is best. You sound like a really sweet person. I know you are frustrated but please remind yourself that you have a nice husband, four children, resources to take care of them, and a really big heart. Don't let these people steal your joy or cause disharmony in your home. Overall, you are living a wonderful life and you are blessed. You just have some crazy in-laws. I believe you and your husband will work though this as best you can. Enjoy your beautiful family of six:yep:, spend special time with your two little ones and do special things for them when you want. Be happy.
 
Sanserity,

I feel for you. You come across as a very loving and kind-hearted person, and this situation could not be (hopefully) more stressful.

My mother was not a step mother to my younger half brother and sister, but I learned the greatest example of motherly love from that woman in the way that I saw her interact with them.

My father cheated on my mother while she was pregnant with me. Six years later, he came back around after his wife left him with two children, and my mother didn't want him back, but she treated my sister and brother with such love, that one would not have known they weren't her children - more less - the children of the woman with whom her fiance cheated and later married!

ONe night we went to the mall with my dad and little sibs, and my siter got sick. That night I saw my mother rock my sister and kiss her little forehead. I thought "Wow, my mom really loves her!" I wasn't jealous, I was ... well, I guess I was proud. Seeing my mom love my siblings made me feel more like a family, even though she and my father weren't in a relationship.

I suppose, I am thinking about this situation as a woman from the perspective of a child, but I think that the example that you are showing your children by loving your step children is probably going to be better for them in the long run than receiving toys, money, or gifts from you that your step children don't. I love and respect my mother for loving my siblings, and my siblings remember and love my mother.

I will say though, the memories that you make with your children (all of them) on an individual basis are going to be ones that they cherish for life. My sister still remembers the night my mother rocked her when she had that stomach ache, and that my mother gave her peppermint.

Let love be that which breaks the stronghold that these very backwards grandparents have over your situation.

You have to be a woman full of love for those children to have even written Follow your heart.
 
sanserity30 said:
The issue is not that they didn't come from my womb. Please see my last updated post!
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your updated post was much more explanatory than the initial one for me. i see that it's really the ahole in laws that are the problem. i actually have no advice for this because im sure the things that i would do are definitely not the things that one SHOULD do.

my response wasn't even so much a response for you, because u do have a somewhat complicated situation but for others who responded after your op.

side note, on days where the grandparents may have the steps, i would definitely do something fun with the other babies on those occassions.
 
OP my heart goes out to you. Your situation is really complicated and unfair- thanks for clarifying. Your in-laws seem stubborn and really biased (and thats putting it kindly). It is good that your husband is standing by you because you will need that to get through this. I wish I could offer some advise but I don't have any. I pray that the situation improves though.
 
I'm glad you're husband is finally stepping-up and respecting your wishes and standing by your side. It hurts but in order to keep your sanity and keep your family together you need to limit your entire family's interaction with the in laws. I wish you the best and I hope you find peace in your situation :bighug:
 
i haven't read through the whole thread so sorry if this has been said already. as a teacher for 7 years, i have seen my share of hurting children and some in this same predicament. children are very sensitive and can sense how people feel towards them. they know. they may not say it, but they know.

i know you said that you take care of them, but i hope that the strife caused by the in-law drama does not subconsciously affect your interactions with the 2 step babies. they are already suffering from rejection from their own mother and can definitely sense if you may not be wholehearted in your relationship with them. even if the in-laws are spoiling them, that rejection from their mother will affect them more that the special treatment does. its a hard thing when your own mother does not seem to care for and love you, they will grow into adulthood with this emotional scar. it is a doubly hard thing to endure when your father's wife only cares for you because of an obligation to their dad and not because she truly and affectionately loves and cares for you. you can't fill the void their mom should fill, but it would be very sad to be another person in their lives who did not love them the way they deserve to be loved.
 
Just wanted to bump this to give an update. Well guilt must have set in, because my husband's grandmother had a talk with my husband and he explained to her how her making differences with the kids made him felt. She says she is going to change. Recently my brother in law moved in with us and she was so upset with him that she turned off his cellphone. She still has animosity towards me, so I guess I'm responsible for taking both of her grandsons from her (in her eyes). Plus the rent money she was getting from brother in law is going in my pocket now instead of hers. So we know how that goes. I don't care she don't have to ever see or talk to me, that's fine. As long as she don't mistreat my babies then I'm cool.:yep:
 
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