Biological Children vs. Stepchildren

[Browndilocks]

Many of you are comparing the actions of a child to an adult. Children will still love someone that has phyiscally hurt them. It's just in their nature. As you get older than you start to seperate yourself from harmfull indiviuals even parents.

Yeah, but the OP mentioned that it's the adults who are treating her biological children differently. The impression I get is that the adult OP is enacting on what the other adults are doing. *shrugs*

 

[BKVincy]

Yeah, but the OP mentioned that it's the adults who are treating her biological children differently. The impression I get is that the adult OP is enacting on what the other adults are doing. *shrugs*

not only that they are making her feel bad about it...
but its ok because they're stepchildren

 

[MizzBrown]

Do you expect her to treat him like her Child or do you expect her to respect him? I just don't think anyone should be obligated to "care" for a child that isn't his/hers

Then folks shouldnt be marrying men with kids and if you got kids from a previous relationship then don't look for your new husband to care for them either.

It's a two-way street.

 

[GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I]

Wow, some of these responses! Honestly, if one wanted to treat their own kids "better," then why marry a man who already had kids? I'm sure that's not what he expected. Any action where one would buy something for their own natural children over children they married into and agreed to love and accept and take care of will certainly demonstrate where their place is, outside. This world is cruel enough. It's like G-d's house, why love one over the other just because one is a convert and the other was born into it? Sheesh!

 

[LunadeMiel]

Then folks shouldnt be marrying men with kids and if you got kids from a previous relationship then don't look for your new husband to care for them either.

It's a two-way street.

And I wouldn't expect it. As long as you don't direspect my child and you aren't mean towards him/her it's alright. If a man chooses to take on that fatherly role than that is on him, however, I will not expect it.... That's just me tho....

 

[Browndilocks]

Wow, some of these responses! Honestly, if one wanted to treat their own kids "better," then why marry a man who already had kids? I'm sure that's not what he expected. Any action where one would buy something for their own natural children over children they married into and agreed to love and accept and take care of will certainly demonstrate where their place is, outside. This world is cruel enough. It's like G-d's house, why love one over the other just because one is a convert and the other was born into it? Sheesh!

I'm sorry but that's funny as hell!

 

[cocoaluv]

This is why I never dated men with kids.

AMEN!!!!


I dated a guy who didnt tell me he had kids till a little later and then I stopped dating him that day . I dont wanna have to deal with any drama. I dont have kids and I dont want a man who has any either.

 

[Maynard]

Wow, some of these responses! Honestly, if one wanted to treat their own kids "better," then why marry a man who already had kids? I'm sure that's not what he expected. Any action where one would buy something for their own natural children over children they married into and agreed to love and accept and take care of will certainly demonstrate where their place is, outside. This world is cruel enough. It's like G-d's house, why love one over the other just because one is a convert and the other was born into it? Sheesh!

OP never said she wanted to treat her kids better, she said she wanted to spend extra time and get things for just them. I'm sure she didnt marry the man with intentions to have kids and treat the ones he had differently. Apparently, grandma did though.

I have examples of this behavior in my own family. My grandmother never, ever bought me anything/spent time with me. Didnt attend, my HS or college graduation. I was her FIRST grandchild to do BOTH. She had 4 grandchildren older than me. But my older cousins, who all 4 dropped out of HS, and all 4 had children as teenagers got praise upon praise, hundreds of dollars at Christmas time, computers, etc. Her explaination was that I had a mama and a daddy to do those things for me.(My cousin's fathers were not around) As a child, all I could see was that she favored my cousins, who didnt even do what they were supposed to do. How do you think it feels to have your grandma gush about a GED over a Dual degree from a University?

FAVOR AINT FAIR.

 

[BKVincy]

Nobody is saying that OP should just be on some Im not even gonna look at you or Im going to treat you badly because you are not my child.
No one is trying to feed the kids fish heads and water..

If she wants to do somethings special for her child because the others are being held with higher regards because of their situation she should be allowed to make her children feel special too....there is nothing wrong with that...

me personally I will not allow someone to make me feel guilty because it seems that my child and I are in a "better" lifestyle situation. Not my fault.

Thats whats not right.

 

[MizzBrown]

AMEN!!!!


I dated a guy who didnt tell me he had kids till a little later and then I stopped dating him that day . I dont wanna have to deal with any drama. I dont have kids and I dont want a man who has any either.

Not to be totally pessimistic but if you marry and get divorced with kids then it's gonna affect you. You get right back in that dating pool.

So even though i make the choice of marrying with a "clean slate", i am still not exempt. Marriage don't mean you safe!

There are SO many blended families.

 

[cocoaluv]

Not to be totally pessimistic but if you marry and get divorced with kids then it's gonna affect you. You get right back in that dating pool.

So even though i make the choice of marrying with a "clean slate", i am still not exempt. Marriage don't mean you safe!

There are SO many blended families.

I totally understand where you are coming from. But I have seen blended families in my family......thats not a path I really want to go down . Maybe when I'm older I will feel different about it but for now I still dont want anything to do with it.

 

[GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I]

I guess this is one reason marriages are failing, this bull attitude about to each his own. That's not what G-d intended for marriage. Do you all realize that heaven is a microcosm of earth? How could G-d forsake his own children? Well, on earth, we are now g-ds to children. People don't expect the new spouse to take responsibility for previous children, in a marriage? To each his own, I guess. I'm beginning to believe in contraception and abortion...for those stupid enough to refuse to do their duties as parents, either natural or adoptive/step. Please don't go that path, it is destructive. I was adopted into a loving family and am now reunited with my birth family. I just can't believe my ears/eyes! How selfish some people are. Granted, if one doesn't want a family to be responsible for, then use BC and at all costs, do not get pregnant. Certainly do not get pregnant, get divorced or widowed and expect another to want to take care of your own kids just because they married you. Selfishness....this is why this country is like it is now. I'm indignant.
Well, if the in-laws are the reason for the problem, talk to them honestly and ask them to also provide things for your two natural children so the whole family is complete. I truly believe this is the problem and why the seeker is in turmoil. They sound like good people and with an honest discussion,would likely see this side of the issue.

 

[sunnydaze]

Some of these comment are really eye opening.

Being a divorced women who one day plans to remarry, I actually would prefer my future mate have a child already since i don't physically want anymore, but want my daughter to have a sibling. Whatever children come with my husband will receive the same love, attention and "gifts" I give to my daughter..even moreso, if they have a deadbeat mother..there is enough love in me to share with my future stepchildren. I can understand having preferential feelings, but those should be squashed and never expressed if you expect to run a singular family unit.

 

[syze6]

I'm not getting that at all. Based on the OP, she stated that sometimes she just wants to do some things with her own two. There is nothing wrong with that. IMO its to be expected at some point.

She already stated that the inlaws treat her children differently. What about that situation? Is it fair that the other kids get "extra" attention cause their mama is a deadbeat? Is it those (younger) kids fault that their mama knows how to say no to drugs? How is that relationship (grandmother) gonna affect these children in the longrun?

IMO, its all about favor and it aint fair. As long as she isnt denying the older children anything, I dont see anything wrong with it. I'm sure those older kids are getting things/time/attention that her children arent just because of the fact they have a messed up mama.

How would she get to do that? Does she walk out the house with her two and leave the other two? What would she possibly tell the other two who are sitting there, watching them get ready? Just curious?

 

[LunadeMiel]

How would she get to do that? Does she walk out the house with her two and leave the other two? What would she possibly tell the other two who are sitting there, watching them get ready? Just curious?

Send them to their Grandmother's (since they prefer them anyways...)

 

[Maynard]

Some of these comment are really eye opening.

Being a divorced women who one day plans to remarry, I actually would prefer my future mate have a child already since i don't physically want anymore, but want my daughter to have a sibling. Whatever children come with my husband will receive the same love, attention and "gifts" I give to my daughter..even moreso, if they have a deadbeat mother..there is enough love in me to share with my future stepchildren. I can understand having preferential feelings, but those should be squashed and never expressed if you expect to run a singular family unit.

That would be in a perfect world. IMO.

I honestly think that there could be worse things than some extra time and a few gifts.

 

[LunadeMiel]

I guess this is one reason marriages are failing, this bull attitude about to each his own. That's not what G-d intended for marriage. Do you all realize that heaven is a microcosm of earth? How could G-d forsake his own children? Well, on earth, we are now g-ds to children. People don't expect the new spouse to take responsibility for previous children, in a marriage? To each his own, I guess. I'm beginning to believe in contraception and abortion...for those stupid enough to refuse to do their duties as parents, either natural or adoptive/step. Please don't go that path, it is destructive. I was adopted into a loving family and am now reunited with my birth family. I just can't believe my ears/eyes! How selfish some people are. Granted, if one doesn't want a family to be responsible for, then use BC and at all costs, do not get pregnant. Certainly do not get pregnant, get divorced or widowed and expect another to want to take care of your own kids just because they married you. Selfishness....this is why this country is like it is now. I'm indignant.
Well, if the in-laws are the reason for the problem, talk to them honestly and ask them to also provide things for your two natural children so the whole family is complete. I truly believe this is the problem and why the seeker is in turmoil. They sound like good people and with an honest discussion,would likely see this side of the issue.

See this is why we cannot have certain conversations on this board. Everyone wants to take things so personally. Why can't people just understand that not everyone will feel the same that you do. All the name calling is so unecessary.... As someone who came from a blended family I still hold onto my beliefs...

 

[Browndilocks]

Send them to their Grandmother's (since they prefer them anyways...)

 

[sunnydaze]

That would be in a perfect world. IMO.

I honestly think that there could be worse things than some extra time and a few gifts.

In mature adult thinking, you are right. But think as the child watching their "supposed" sister or brother get to do or have things that they can't for no real explainable reason. Or worse, hear the reason being: "cause he/she is my child and you aren't??"


Nah..that's not fair to those children..its not their fault.

 

[GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I]

OP never said she wanted to treat her kids better, she said she wanted to spend extra time and get things for just them. I'm sure she didnt marry the man with intentions to have kids and treat the ones he had differently. Apparently, grandma did though.>>

That's why I said she needed to talk with the in-laws about this situation. Because, to a child, it will look like one is better than the other, both ways around. His favored by the in-laws, hers/his only favored by the new step mom. Where is daddy in this? They truly need to sit down and talk about this as family before some divorce papers start flying around. This can't be setting well with him and I'd hate to see this stepmom in such turmoil. But giving anything x-tra to her natural kids is favoritism. Her first experience with children period was his, 8 years in the running. I read that post very closely. If you can't bond, maybe daddy wasn't making it any easier. Oh hell, this is a mess! All we can do is pray.

 

[dlewis]

I have two kids with my husband and sometimes I just spend time with one or the other. I often do special things with just my daughter.

I think if step kids/ bio kids had not have been brought up no one would have had problem with her just spending time with her two youngest. Children do need individual time alone with parents.

 

[MizzBrown]

So for those who came from a blended family and was a victim of favoritism and see nothing wrong with it because it happened to them, you plan to keep it that way?

Cause your children and newly created blended family will see the same pattern and apply it down more generations.

If you didnt like it when it happened to you then why not nip it in the bud and change it for the next generation rather than say "ti's life"?

The way i see it, OP is gonna think nothing is wrong with what she is doing and neither do the other adults and they won't talk about it.

So the children see this. They MIGHT just brush off thier shoulders or they might let it affect them and then they will pass down the same mindset to their own children and stepchildren....it will become a pattern.

 

[mrsmeredith]

All my kids live under the same roof (step kids and birthed kids) and I treat them all the same. No I didn't birth them but its just like adoption. When you adopt a child you are able to love that child as if you birthed him/her. I would never make a child feel there worth is less than another child. They are kids and whatever the grown folks situations are has nothing to do with kids. Don't put kids in grown folks situations. OP you would be wrong to make a difference with the kids. And trust, the kids will notice it. THey may not say anything now but they will remember. If you are treating your kids differently I hope the step kids have enough sense to go and tell daddy. Now, if he is any kind of man he will sit you down and have a talk with you. If you can't see your errors in this maybe being a step mom is not for you. You seem to have issues with things that don't concern you and was there before you (meaning the parents/grandparents/mother) that you need to get out of and be the best woman you can be and that's a fair woman.

Meredith

 

[Browndilocks]

I have two kids with my husband and sometimes I just spend time with one or the other. I often do special things with just my daughter.

I think if step kids/ bio kids had not have been brought up no one would have had problem with her just spending time with her two youngest. Children do need individual time alone with parents.

I think this is what the OP was generally getting at.

 

[BKVincy]

Send them to their Grandmother's (since they prefer them anyways...)

she really want a:mob: after her butt

 

[GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I]

With all due respect, Luna de miel, I'm not name-calling. I'm older and wiser in these issues...not as an insult, but as a truth. Words seem harsh when they seem truer. I certainly don't want anyone to go down that road because it is awful!!! We *ARE* having an adult conversation about this but this is bordering on a form of child neglect, emotional. Personally? I think you should reread your posts as well. Putting smilies on the end doesn't mean you opinionated in a nicer way. So, please view my post as a generality on such an issue, not as an all-out assault on the new stepmom and certainly not as an insult to you. You are entitled to your opinion as I am to mine.

 

[LunadeMiel]

So for those who came from a blended family and was a victim of favoritism and see nothing wrong with it because it happened to them, you plan to keep it that way?
I came from a blended family but I was not a victim of favoritism. When my stepdad's children live with us we were all treated the same. The only issue I had was with my stepfather wanting me to call him Dad and act like he was my father. He wanted me to treat hin equally....

Cause your children and newly created blended family will see the same pattern and apply it down more generations.

If you didnt like it when it happened to you then why not nip it in the bud and change it for the next generation rather than say "ti's life"?

The way i see it, OP is gonna think nothing is wrong with what she is doing and neither do the other adults and they won't talk about it.

So the children see this. They MIGHT just brush off thier shoulders or they might let it affect them and then they will pass down the same mindset to their own children and stepchildren....it will become a pattern.

............................

 

[LunadeMiel]

With all due respect, Luna de miel, I'm not name-calling. I'm older and wiser in these issues...not as an insult, but as a truth. Words seem harsh when they seem truer. I certainly don't want anyone to go down that road because it is awful!!! We *ARE* having an adult conversation about this but this is bordering on a form of child neglect, emotional. Personally? I think you should reread your posts as well. Putting smilies on the end doesn't mean you opinionated in a nicer way. So, please view my post as a generality on such an issue, not as an all-out assault on the new stepmom and certainly not as an insult to you. You are entitled to your opinion as I am to mine.

Calling someone selfish because they do not share your views is name calling IMO.. Also, I put smilies because I like them. It's not my intention to soften anything....

 

[LunadeMiel]

she really want a:mob: after her butt

I was giving an honest answer. This is what I would do. I have little sister and when my mother and I want to go out somewhere we send her to her friend's house..... My mother also has special time with her also. To add to this, my little cousin is currently living with us because her mother is afraid that her bf will not treat her daughter right. There are many times where my mother will send her to stay with her mom while the three of us do something. There are also times where my aunt will take her and do something with her without my little sis.

 

[GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I]

then I reword it, this situation is selfishness. In a general discussion of the issue. I think it's gone beyond just OP's personal problem for which she's asking help. Everyone is giving new examples and personalizing it. So, I apologize. I will say that this type of behavior is selfishness...not directing it at OP.