Biological Children vs. Stepchildren

[fuchsiastar]

I had to go back to the OP post to just answer the questions as she put them out there, because there is some stuff that needs to be addressed about how her biologicals are being treated.

My question to all of you ladies is, do you think it is wrong if I want to sometimes spend time with or buy things for just my two children.

Yes, absolutely. I think my position on this has been explained.

My in laws get upset if I do this, but they favor my husband's two children over mine(Not sure if its because they are the first grandchildren or because of their relationship with the mother)

Now what do you mean by favor? I was favored because I was the first granddaughter, as was my cousin because he was the first grandson. However it wasn't ridiculous, just things like getting thought of first when it came time to do/get things...but thats just little stuff....and tailoring activities to a childs interests. Individual things on a child per child basis are okay. However, I have cousins who had more things given to them than me by aunts/uncles/grands because their parents weren't ish, and the aunts/uncles knew that my parents took care of me. It's all good, it's all about the childs needs.

I don't think it's fair that they actually treat my children differently if I don't do EVERYTHING for the stepchildren that I do for my own, but they don't get upset with the mother for doing NOTHING for the children and they even make excuses for her. So what do you ladies think about this situation?

How are they treating your children differently? Do they treat them badly. If so, I would say later to your in-laws about bringing ANY of your children over. They are trying to bring division into your household, and that is not okay. Address those in-laws!

 

[syze6]

I think everyone here is entitiled to their opinion. If one poster thinks it's selfish, than so be it. It is HER opinion and that's how it should be taken. We are all women here and we should all be above feeling insulted when one states their opinion. Except it for what it is, and keep it moving. We may not all agree, that's the beauty of it. If I post something and someone feels I'm being foolish or selfish or whatever. It's their opinion and if they want to claim it in a thousand post, so be it.

I've learned as I've gotten older, not to take what other's say so literally and to heart!

 

[BKVincy]

I was giving an honest answer. This is what I would do. I have little sister and when my mother and I want to go out somewhere we send her to her friend's house..... My mother also has special time with her also. To add to this, my little cousin is currently living with us because her mother is afraid that her bf will not treat her daughter right. There are many times where my mother will send her to stay with her mom while the three of us do something. There are also times where my aunt will take her and do something with her without my little sis.

ITA
sometimes me and my mom go and have dinner or do adult things together without my 2 yr old..I guess if I did it without my stepchild and left them with their father or grandmother it would be wrong...

 

[illustrioussplendor]

Question OP: Your husband's youngest child is 8 but you two have been married for 8 years? Was the mother pregnant while you two were together?

We had a six month seperation in 1999 and that is where the second child came in.

 

[illustrioussplendor]

I had to go back to the OP post to just answer the questions as she put them out there, because there is some stuff that needs to be addressed about how her biologicals are being treated.



Yes, absolutely. I think my position on this has been explained.



Now what do you mean by favor? I was favored because I was the first granddaughter, as was my cousin because he was the first grandson. However it wasn't ridiculous, just things like getting thought of first when it came time to do/get things...but thats just little stuff....and tailoring activities to a childs interests. Individual things on a child per child basis are okay. However, I have cousins who had more things given to them than me by aunts/uncles/grands because their parents weren't ish, and the aunts/uncles knew that my parents took care of me. It's all good, it's all about the childs needs.



How are they treating your children differently? Do they treat them badly. If so, I would say later to your in-laws about bringing ANY of your children over. They are trying to bring division into your household, and that is not okay. Address those in-laws!

I mean they will buy things for my two stepchildren and not for my two children.

 

[BKVincy]

I mean they will buy things for my two stepchildren and not for my two children.

Girl that totally ok because your kids have both parents that are responsible. No problem with the fact that the grandparents show favoritism..no you should not make your kids feel special too how dare you

 

[illustrioussplendor]

I think you should do for all four. But I do think that the relatives are trying to make up for the other two kids mother being a deadbeat. I am sure they know that you are loving to all 4 kids but you are not the other's mother. I don't think it is to slight you, but it is to make sure the other two feel loved. If you start treating your kids different then the other two then your two will start treating their siblings differently. It will only cause pain when they get older. I am sure your two little ones love their big brother and sister to death, but kids will usually act the way their parents act. Watch yourself. Good luck.

I would say for an extra special treat, send your two with your parents for some extra fun time.

I agree with what you are saying about the children being divided, but at the same time what about when my daughter asks me why "Grandma" bought something for my brother and sister, but not me. I do for all four children, as a matter of fact I do more for the stepchildren than my husband, the children's mother, and the in laws. I just want to do a little more for my own children. To add insult to injury the in laws acknowledge me as "mom" when I am spending money on them, but when it is time to make a decision that they don't like it's "You're not their mother"

 

[illustrioussplendor]

sanserity30, do all 4 children live with you and your husband?

Yes all four children live with us.

 

[BKVincy]

Yes all four children live with us.

YOU NEED TO GET OFF THIS FORUM AND TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND ASAPerplexed

 

[fuchsiastar]

I guess this is one reason marriages are failing, this bull attitude about to each his own. That's not what G-d intended for marriage. Do you all realize that heaven is a microcosm of earth? How could G-d forsake his own children? Well, on earth, we are now g-ds to children. People don't expect the new spouse to take responsibility for previous children, in a marriage? To each his own, I guess. I'm beginning to believe in contraception and abortion...for those stupid enough to refuse to do their duties as parents, either natural or adoptive/step. Please don't go that path, it is destructive. I was adopted into a loving family and am now reunited with my birth family. I just can't believe my ears/eyes! How selfish some people are. Granted, if one doesn't want a family to be responsible for, then use BC and at all costs, do not get pregnant. Certainly do not get pregnant, get divorced or widowed and expect another to want to take care of your own kids just because they married you. Selfishness....this is why this country is like it is now. I'm indignant.
Well, if the in-laws are the reason for the problem, talk to them honestly and ask them to also provide things for your two natural children so the whole family is complete. I truly believe this is the problem and why the seeker is in turmoil. They sound like good people and with an honest discussion,would likely see this side of the issue.

Woosah mama! Please don't take this personally, rub those ears I totally agree with your viewpoint. I also agree that the bolded is really the problem. She wouldn't feel the need to compensate extra for her biological children if the in-laws didn't feel the need to favor the step-children. They all need to cut it out and treat those children equally. Because if it's her biological child that grows up to be a CEO-Millionaire I'll bet those in-laws will want to claim credit and get a piece of the money, and the same for her if it's the step children. Where did the OP go anyway?!?!!!

ETA: Nevermind, I was behind in posting this. I see you, OP. Thanks for answering the questions. Your babies should not be coming to you saying these things and being hurt about what they didn't get, and the in-laws are the ones breeding division. They need to be addressed by you and your husband....with the hubby doing most of the talking, because they are hurting HIS family.

 

[LunadeMiel]

I agree with what you are saying about the children being divided, but at the same time what about when my daughter asks me why "Grandma" bought something for my brother and sister, but not me. I do for all four children, as a matter of fact I do more for the stepchildren than my husband, the children's mother, and the in laws. I just want to do a little more for my own children. To add insult to injury the in laws acknowledge me as "mom" when I am spending money on them, but when it is time to make a decision that they don't like it's "You're not their mother"

I feel bad for your children.... You seem like a very nice and caring person who is being taken advantage of. Please speak to your husband about this.

 

[illustrioussplendor]

YOU NEED TO GET OFF THIS FORUM AND TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND ASAPerplexed

Believe me we have been down this road countless times. My husband feels caught in the middle. He wants me to treat the children equally and wants his family to treat my children equally. I will say that MIL treats them equally, but his grandmother does not. She was the same way with my husband and his brother and sister. My husband is the oldest and she favored him over his brother and sister. She even told him that she loved him more than his brother and sister, but not to tell them that because it would hurt their feelings.

 

[Country gal]

Do you expect her to treat him like her Child or do you expect her to respect him? I just don't think anyone should be obligated to "care" for a child that isn't his/hers

I respectfully disagree with the bold. If I have a child in my presence that is living in my house than I will care for and respect that child as if it is my own. My son does spend summers with his dad and step parent. It's awful when a kid is made to feel like they are the worst kid of all the kids. A lot of times it seems there are so deep rooted issues with the biological mother or lack of one that can cause a problem.

 

[LunadeMiel]

Believe me we have been down this road countless times. My husband feels caught in the middle. He wants me to treat the children equally and wants his family to treat my children equally. I will say that MIL treats them equally, but his grandmother does not. She was the same way with my husband and his brother and sister. My husband is the oldest and she favored him over his brother and sister. She even told him that she loved him more than his brother and sister, but not to tell them that because it would hurt their feelings.

If she refuses to respect your wishes than maybe you all should consider lessening the time that the kids spend with her.

 

[BKVincy]

Believe me we have been down this road countless times. My husband feels caught in the middle. He wants me to treat the children equally and wants his family to treat my children equally. I will say that MIL treats them equally, but his grandmother does not. She was the same way with my husband and his brother and sister. My husband is the oldest and she favored him over his brother and sister. She even told him that she loved him more than his brother and sister, but not to tell them that because it would hurt their feelings.

I dunno
now it seems as if they are doing this for spite cause they dont like you

 

[fuchsiastar]

Girl that totally ok because your kids have both parents that are responsible. No problem with the fact that the grandparents show favoritism..no you should not make your kids feel special too how dare you

See, I think that is where we disagree (respectfully, of course ) on this topic. I don't think it's okay to do for some and not for all who are in the same house. It breeds division. My cousins got stuff like a new winter coat from my grands, because their mommas couldn't afford it on their own and the dads weren't ish. And the year that my parents couldn't afford me a coat, I got one too! So in all, everybody had a new winter coat every year....that's fair. All of the differences came when it was time for NEEDS to be met, and everybody had the same.

 

[Country gal]

Yeah, but the OP mentioned that it's the adults who are treating her biological children differently. The impression I get is that the adult OP is enacting on what the other adults are doing. *shrugs*

Yes, but the result is going to affect the children. That's where the problem is, she should treat the adults differently. Maybe OP should discuss with her husband how she feels, he could influence the family.

 

[LunadeMiel]

I dunno
now it seems as if they are doing this for spite cause they dont like you

I get that feeling too. You say that they treat the children's mom like their daughter. It seems like they favor her and may resent you for their son not being with her...

Sorry OP, I'm a conspiracy theorist....

 

[BKVincy]

If she refuses to respect your wishes than maybe you all should consider lessening the time that the kids spend with her.

If she going through this with them and the the husband is not getting involved aint no way in this good earth will she be able to lessen the time the grandparents spend with the kids

Grandparents are no joke with they babies
I need the jaws of life to tear my kid away from the ones she have.....

 

[BKVincy]

I get that feeling too. You say that they treat the children's mom like their daughter. I seems like they favor her and may resent you for their son not being with her...

Sorry OP, I'm a conspiracy theorist....

get outta my head girl
these wheels are moving now..

 

[LunadeMiel]

If she going through this with them and the the husband is not getting involved aint no way in this good earth will she be able to lessen the time the grandparents spend with the kids

Grandparents are no joke with they babies
I need the jaws of life to tear my kid away from the ones she have.....

Scrap that idea then....

 

[illustrioussplendor]

Thank you ladies for all your responses. I knew this would be a very controversial topic, but it's nice to have unbiased opinions. My family sides with me about the issue, and of course my in laws are on the other side of the fence. This has caused me alot of anger and heartache over the years, especially the way the in laws continue to downplay the fact that the children's mother is not involved with the children, but is involved with the in laws and they use her authrity to try to manipulate and control me and hubby.

 

[BKVincy]

See, I think that is where we disagree (respectfully, of course ) on this topic. I don't think it's okay to do for some and not for all who are in the same house. It breeds division. My cousins got stuff like a new winter coat from my grands, because their mommas couldn't afford it on their own and the dads weren't ish. And the year that my parents couldn't afford me a coat, I got one too! So in all, everybody had a new winter coat every year....that's fair. All of the differences came when it was time for NEEDS to be met, and everybody had the same.

The thing is now it seems as if the grandparents are poisioning the situation.... they starting ish she gonna have to woman up and finish..
shes trying to make up and treat her kids better to offset what the grandparents are doing.....

 

[BKVincy]

Thank you ladies for all your responses. I knew this would be a very controversial topic, but it's nice to have unbiased opinions. My family sides with me about the issue, and of course my in laws are on the other side of the fence. This has caused me alot of anger and heartache over the years, especially the way the in laws continue to downplay the fact that the children's mother is not involved with the children, but is involved with the in laws and they use her authrity to try to manipulate and control me and hubby.

thats tough hopefully everyone will prevail and the situation can be handled before it gets uglier because the kids are going to get older....

 

[fuchsiastar]

get outta my head girl
these wheels are moving now..

OK, you know WHAT!!!! I'ma need ya'll two to cut it out. Bk and Luna are officially the conspiracy theorists of LHCF. But I gotta admit, I agree with ya'll on this one.

 

[fuchsiastar]

Thank you ladies for all your responses. I knew this would be a very controversial topic, but it's nice to have unbiased opinions. My family sides with me about the issue, and of course my in laws are on the other side of the fence. This has caused me alot of anger and heartache over the years, especially the way the in laws continue to downplay the fact that the children's mother is not involved with the children, but is involved with the in laws and they use her authrity to try to manipulate and control me and hubby.

Oh goodness, I am sooo sorry this is causing you heartache over the years! I feel like this about the bolded though: If momma ain't payin/playing with those children, then momma has NO authority and what you and your husband say GOES, PERIOD. And if the in-laws can't get with the program, then the in-laws are out. In-laws are not putting a roof over those children's head, you and your husband are. Hubby better put his foot down asap. Like, yesterday.

 

[Zaynab]

Im married and a mother. My husband has a son who does not live with us. Yes I do have a stepchild.

NO my husband DOES NOT expect me to take ANY responsibilty for his child even when said child lived with us for months because said childs mother had serious surgery. Said childs mother is also not up to par but thats for a different thread

HE TOOK RESPONSIBLITY FOR BOTH KIDS BECAUSE THEY ARE HIS CHILDREN. I have one child and I make it known so as to not CONFUSE anyone where I stand. I care about the welfare of his son yes of course hes a child but other than that I will not lose any sleep for said child he has a mother and father for that.

Thats the way it is with ME. so yes the OP has alot of decisions to make. With me you either love it or leave it. My child will ALWAYS COME FIRST.
I also refuse to confuse my child that she is in competition(sp) with said child cause in the end no matter how bad a mother is 9 times out of 10 said child will kick you in the face for their deadbeat mother in a heartbeat. Can you blame them??? its biological....

I'm still reading but this caught my eye......

I'm a step-mother. While it was not the ideal situation for me...obviously no woman dreams of marrying a man with a child I took it on knowing it was a challenge. When I married dh and loved dh, I then took on the role of loving his child. I think you give up some of that traditional family unit when you enter into a marriage with someone that has a child. I didn't love it but the take it or leave it attitude wasnt' gonna work either...if that's the case, I should have 'took or left' another man.

We didn't have our 'own' children when we first married so I honestly probably didnt' feel the same towards his child initially BUT when I became a mother myself... I have loved that child and treated that child like my own. I think that it would be a natural 'mother wit' or instinct to just love a child that was living with you as your own. I could not make a differientiation in a bio v/s a step child.

And honestly, I woudn't want to be married to a man that would allow me to do so. That means that just as that (first) child is disposable to him, then so would mine should he divorce me and marry someone else. How someone treats one, they will treat another. I call the first child, MY child, we have THREE children, his, and ours. If people ask or need clarification, so what? It aint any of their business. And the people that need to know, know so no big deal.

I'm just coming in here to say I strongly disagree with the OP. Regardless of if the other (first) children get 'help' gifts, etc from the grandparents (MY MIL does the exact same thing so I know what you are talking about OP) I think you should do your part as a mother to all of them equally. I *think* that the grandparents do this because they feel sorry for the (first) children, not having their 'own' mother so to speak....they go out of their way to make them feel 'special'.

Regardless of whether the OP gives them all equal treatment, remember they STILL aren't equal because they don't have the stable and continual presence of a mother and father living together as a family unit. They won't ever have that so really...your children together with your dh will always have 'more' in their eyes, giving your children 'more' materially willl ultimately further facillitate the division. If anything, I do MORE for our (first) child because the division and difference between our kids was created when they were born. I hope I'm making sense but its so much more than material things.

 

[Zaynab]

Why would a woman even bother marrying a man with children if she intends to treat them differently from jump?

When you go out and you introduce them, do you say "these are my two kids and these two are my husbands from a previous relationship..." Are you really gonna say that or are you gonna say "these are my kids".

Why bother getting married if you are married and living like two seperate families?? What is the point?

Since you dont want to do anything for the new additions in the family then don't join the family!

This bothers me because i came from a blended family. To think that my SISTER would be treated that much differently in our household would've caused a rift.

Right, It's like you had a choice when you met the man. If you didn't like it then, you should have dropped him and dated someone else.

 

[GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I]

That I'm opinionated is a understatement! I know. But my strong point wasn't AT Sanserity, it was at those posts that asserted that it's okay to marginalize a child and live life as though marriage is nothing between the two of persons. Then I began to condemn all humanity lolol! I apologized.

 

[illustrioussplendor]

I dunno
now it seems as if they are doing this for spite cause they dont like you

ITA as I stated in my post they took in the children's mother when she was a teen so they have a bond with her. His grandmother and siblings didn't come to our wedding, because they wanted my hubby to stay in a relationship. They put us through hell. When we went to court to get custody of his son my MIL showed up in court on HER SIDE. Against her own son. Even though she was the one that bought it to our attention that his son was being neglected by his mother.