bf chose porn over me!!

[Bint Yusef]

DH said that if it's a deal breaker for you...find someone who doesn't like porn. He said it's a losing battle with this dude...cause he likes porn and he's gonna watch it and beat off to it. You can't change that...he'll just lie to you to get you to stop yapping about it.

He said if you really are offended by it, you should move on.

He said porn is something men watch as boys...so it's not a big deal to alot of men. If he was refusing you for the porn that would be a different story. He said you're overreacting...but if you really hate porn..end the relationship.

Oh so a man said the same thing....thanks for posting your Dh's perspective.

 

[Vinyl]

Wait, he texted you on AIM instead of calling you? :/

 

[runwaydream]

thank you guys so much for your words of wisdom. to bint yusef.. you're right. dealbreaker issues should be discussed b4 you're into a relationship. porn in itself isnt really a dealbreaker but lying is. and that was discussed b4 we got into a relationship. i hate porn, i really REALLY do. but like i said b4 i knew when he was looking at it online and didn't say anything. b/c even tho he was still looking at it. he was at least making an effort, as in he wasn't downloading them and probably wasn't watching it very often at all seeing how i was always w. him and our internet connection is pretty crappy

 

[runwaydream]

Wait, he texted you on AIM instead of calling you? :/

no. he called me as soon as he got home about 11 times back to back. and left a few voice messages that i ignored. i didn't answer any of his calls so i guess since he saw me on AIM he figured he can get out what he wanted to say.

 

[runwaydream]

its good to kno so many of you agree w. me. what i've been hearing the most from guys and girls was that i wasn't being fair to him. esp since he's waiting for me...(im want to wait til marriage b4 i do the do) and im taking away an alternative and something he's been doing since b4 he met me and blah blah blah.

he's still begging for forgiveness and for us to work this out but...smh.. im so disgusted with him now.
anyhow i thank you all for your support. you're making this much easier

ETA: you see him lying wasnt based on his desire to decieve you, it was bounded by his history. He has a history of watching porn for whatever reason, he had sex before, if you link the two together you have a strong addiction. Being with you, he is not allowed to have sex so he finds another method of accomplishing the same goals.

reason my guy friend gave me

 

[NYAmicas]

its good to kno so many of you agree w. me. what i've been hearing the most from guys and girls was that i wasn't being fair to him. esp since he's waiting for me...(im want to wait til marriage b4 i do the do) and im taking away an alternative and something he's been doing since b4 he met me and blah blah blah.

he's still begging for forgiveness and for us to work this out but...smh.. im so disgusted with him now.
anyhow i thank you all for your support. you're making this much easier

ETA: you see him lying wasnt based on his desire to decieve you, it was bounded by his history. He has a history of watching porn for whatever reason, he had sex before, if you link the two together you have a strong addiction. Being with you, he is not allowed to have sex so he finds another method of accomplishing the same goals.

reason my guy friend gave me

I read the whole thread and good thing I saw this last one. Whoee! He's waiting for you? That lifted him a bit back up after that terrible lie (not entirely though). I dont think your demands are quite fair since it seems like you're trying to change him. Is the porn & video gaming a deal breaker for you because I dont see him stopping unless he gets hypnosis. It's not unreasonable for you to not like the porn-viewing; many women have posted the same complaints you have on various messageboards. *Hugs* no matter what you decide.

 

[Choclatcotton]

Wow my friends husband does this and she despises it but now shes stuck with a baby and marriage. This didnt surface until later in the marriage. She has tried to leave him many times for abuse.

 

[Paradox]

pornography is degrading, especially with the women doing some demeaning acts so I could only imagine his views towards women
he's a liar
he is cheating on you emotionally, it is only one step closer until he becomes physical
he has a lack of self control


I will not tolerate pornography in the house

 

[divya]

I read the whole thread and good thing I saw this last one. Whoee! He's waiting for you? That lifted him a bit back up after that terrible lie (not entirely though). I dont think your demands are quite fair since it seems like you're trying to change him. Is the porn & video gaming a deal breaker for you because I dont see him stopping unless he gets hypnosis. It's not unreasonable for you to not like the porn-viewing; many women have posted the same complaints you have on various messageboards. *Hugs* no matter what you decide.

I see what you are trying to say, but I have to respectfully disagree. Many of these men want the girl who has good values and respects herself, yet will not be the same for her. It's not just that he's waiting for her, but she is waiting for him too. She's showing that she values not only herself, but him and the relationship. Yet he is failing to do the same. If he agreed to wait - which includes refraining from pornography - then he should do just that. It's completely fair because that is exactly what he agreed to, and because he wants her as a life companion. However, if he can't keep his word now, then that is likely indicative of what it to come. Hopefully she has learned from this, and I'm very glad that she has not become intimate with him. Only the man who is faithful and waits is deserving of her.

 

[divya]

its good to kno so many of you agree w. me. what i've been hearing the most from guys and girls was that i wasn't being fair to him. esp since he's waiting for me...(im want to wait til marriage b4 i do the do) and im taking away an alternative and something he's been doing since b4 he met me and blah blah blah.

he's still begging for forgiveness and for us to work this out but...smh.. im so disgusted with him now.
anyhow i thank you all for your support. you're making this much easier

Please read my post above.

 

[sunshinelady]

Ummmm, devil's advocate, what's wrong with porn? And, you're a virgin, right?

ETA: If it really bothers you, I'll give you one really good way to kill his interest: watch it with him, just like you're watching a movie and analyze the hell out of it.

 

[Farida]

If you don't like it, and you told him this, it means porn is too important for him to give up. It also means that he was disrespectful of your wishes.

Look it up on the internet, endless women complaining about their men and porn. 98% of them never give it up!!!!!!!!!! So, if you aren't comfortable, don't force the man to stop if he doesn't, and don't let anyone trick you into believing, against your wishes that it is ok and you are being unreasonable. Just because some people see no big deal doesn't mean you have to take the same approach.

My advice is to cut him loose. He won't stop. I can almost guarantee it. If anything, he'll just get better at hiding it from you. He can find a woman who doesn't care, and you can find a man who doesn't need it as badly as he does.

 

[Farida]

8:34:50 PM): i said im sorry for leaving the image up i was browsing my pc to make space this morn and saw it before i ran out to work.... if your gonna break up with me over that.... then you couldn't have loved me

his excuse that he wrote me on AIM. my gut isn't conflicted over THAT.. its the biggest load of bullshyt i have heard in AWHILE

Straight up B.S.

 

[locabouthair]

Is this the same SO that was lying about his accomplishments?

If I confused you with someone else I am sorry. And if it is the same guy, I am not trying to turn that up in your face, I was just wondering..

 

[bellezanegra826]

thank you guys so much for your words of wisdom. to bint yusef.. you're right. dealbreaker issues should be discussed b4 you're into a relationship. porn in itself isnt really a dealbreaker but lying is. and that was discussed b4 we got into a relationship. i hate porn, i really REALLY do. but like i said b4 i knew when he was looking at it online and didn't say anything. b/c even tho he was still looking at it. he was at least making an effort, as in he wasn't downloading them and probably wasn't watching it very often at all seeing how i was always w. him and our internet connection is pretty crappy

do you honestly think that if he was honest with you and said that he would never stop watching porn that that would be better than you finding out that he lied about it? you keep saying that lying is your biggest issue, but i think you have stated that you really really dislike porn more than you have stated that you really really dislike lying. it seems like you have been more emphatic about the porn than the lying, but i do understand why you would be pissed about both. even if he had never swore on his grandmother's grave not to watch porn, he would still be lying by omission if he actively hid the fact that he watched porn, whether or not you had discussed the issue with him. it seems like, from reading the above, that you were less bothered by finding clues that he was watching porn, but making an effort to hide it than the fact that he said he wouldn't watch it, then finding blatant evidence that he was watching it. so in that case you were kinda ok with being deceived as long as the porn watching wasn't in your face. if porn wasn't a deal breaker then why would you have given him that ultimatum prior to this event that it was you or the porn. you may not have said those exact words, but it seems like the expectation that he stop watching porn to save the relationship was definitely on the table. since you need him to be honest with you, perhaps its time for you to do some soul searching and be honest with yourself about this relationship and the problems you have with it to save yourself heartache in the future. in the future, if you meet a guy that is honest about watching porn, will you break things off with him? if you meet a guy that doesn't watch porn but lies about something somewhat minor, like saying he's been dieting when he really hasn't, will you break things off with him?

eta: it seems like his biggest problem here is what looks like his dependence on porn as a coping mechanism, not so much the lying. you haven't really said that he lies about other areas of his life, so he may not be a chronic liar, but he does seem to be a chronic porn watcher

 

[Cheleigh]

Wow, so many issues here...

-Did you both agree to wait until marriage, or did he agree to wait for you? There's sort of a difference. If it's the former, then you are both doing the total physical, mental, emotional abstinence thing, so him going to town w/porn is a violation of the principle (especially if neither one of you are self-loving). If it's the later, then he's more like men in previous generations who were "waiting" for a woman--they found porn, or nudie bars, or hookers, or "loose women" to occupy their time until their "bride" was ready to take the plunge--still not right, but to be honest, this is how I've seen this sort of situation addressed more often than not.

-Porn--I don't think you ever stop liking porn if you like it (even if you don't watch it anymore). It's totally reasonable to want a man who doesn't want to watch porn. But your man does, and he'll probably continue to do so. His rationale--see my above point. It doesn't make him right, especially if he agreed to be abstinent (which again, is different in my mind from "waiting" for you).

-He did lie, that fact seems undeniable. Now, from my experience, most folks lie at some point during a relationship. The question becomes--what did he lie about, and what are the ramifications for your relationship? What's your tolerance level?

-His excuse is a smoke screen to divert you from the lie and to provide a justification. Again, if it's pretty intolerable to you for your man to play video games all day or to watch porn, then you should evaluate your situation and make plans accordingly. You shouldn't expect him to change--if he stays exactly like he is today, how would you feel about him?

Just for the record, I have no issue with my SO doing either (I also have a pretty high tolerance for male BS), but I don't expect everyone to roll like I roll. If it doesn't work for you, that's the important thing.

 

[itismehmmkay]

I don't think you're overreacting at all.
I personally don't have a problem with porn as a fantasy, but it would urk me too if a BF seemed a little too engaged in the female.

And like you said, the real issue is the blatant lying. I mean, one of those "...on my [ ]'s grave lies"??? Yeah, I'd have a problem with that.

 

[The Princess]

Like others have stated men watch porn. Even some women do. The average man will not pick those type of females over their GF. I don't think he will pick her over you. You need to tell him why you upset he watches porn. Or maybe ask him do he want you to perform like that. Maybe be adventures, if you already doing it cool. Its a reason why he has to lie to you, to watch it, I know he want to keep you but at the same time he is not willing to leave his porn. What makes you upset about it. Is it the fact that its another woman. Find out why it upset you and let him know. Then you all should be able to come to a medium.

 

[FlowerHair]

The painful truth is that we cannot change a man.

He is who he is and if he needs video games and porn to destress, that's what he needs. You can't be his "mother" and tell him not to do stuff etc. He will do them anyway, just behind your back.

Many, many people -men and women- need some self gratification to destress and also just for their own pleasure you know? There is nothing wrong with that IMO. It's private and has nothing to do with how much you love your wife or girlfriend.

If you feel the need to change him, he is not right for you.
I wish you the best of luck.

 

[MzLady78]

Not much more to add, I think it's all been said.

Find a dude that isn't into porn (and they are out there, believe me).

The end.

 

[SimpleKomplexity]

Men are men. Women are women. Just like I'm sure you meet an intelligent boy with nice swagger you fantasize about how sexy he is, men do the same except htey are more visual. They need to see things in action, and that is porn. I personally don't see any problem in it, unless he is watching porn 24/7 and neglecting your needs. Porn is make believe and trust me he knows this. He loves you which is why he is with you, but you're not there 24/7. Girls read book (Zane, Nikki Turner, Sistah Soul) and men watch porm

 

[Ladyhenri]

To be perfectly honest, i think you are over reacting.

If he was watching porn all the time, and neglecting your needs, or if the porn is having a side effect in your relationship, ie, he's needs porn to *function* i'd understand...but it seems to me like he was fine with you till you saw pics on his computer, In other words, his behaviour to you hadn't changed regardless of him watching porn behind your back.

Firstly, porn aint another woman, he wouldnt suddenly fall in love with a porn film and want to end your relationship...No matter how many pics of a (fantasy) porn star he has, he has only one woman, you, in his home.


Secondly,From what i know, most men like to watch porn once in a while. Its just porn. Its a bit harsh to expect him to go from porn lover to NEVER seeing porn again. Most men i know (if they love you) would do exactly what he's done in that situation ie promise they wont do it again then try and be more crafty, which is more dangerous IMO

As for him lying to you, i dont think its a good idea to force anyone not to do something they like to do.
This is the reason why he is lying to you.

If you really love him and want him to stop it, i suggest you drop the ultimatums, (he will keep doing it behind ur back if you keep that up, hun), try and stop being judgemental and find out just how into porn he is, then work on reducing it.

If you're not prepared to work on your relationship, (and bear in mind that all relationships are hard work) he is probably right.... you dont love him very much. You should leave him and get someone else.
JMHO

 

[firecracker]

If what he does and watches bothers you it doesn't matter what others think or feel about his porn addiction. Helz it makes you uncomfortable and you don't have to be uncomfortable to accomodate another ****'s nastiness or whatever behavior.

He shouldn't have lied and told you he would stop. That is what got his *** in hot water. Kneegrows lie and repeat behavior all the time. It up to you if your going to accept this freaky part of him.

 

[weaveologist]

gggrrrrrrrrrr.... i just typed out this long response and it all got erased!! ok... let me start over.

first i want to thank you all for responding so quickly.

next i want to answer ms. nadi. me and him DID sit down and talk about it. when i found the porn for a second time AFTER he already said he wouldn't have it on his comp anymore we had a big blowout. after which we sat down and tried to talk it out. he told me the main reason why he had it.. other than him liking to see the ACT of it was b/c it was a big stress reliever for him. he said porn and video games helps him relieve stress and since i don't like when he plays video games then this is his other option and by taking both of them away i left him w. none. i saw where he was coming from and told him i would no longer bother him about the video games and let him play in peace as long as he didn't play for hrs and hrs at a time. he also hinted to me that he would like for me to pick up a few games and play w. him. now i dont care for video games at ALL but i did so anyway. i even played world of warcraft for HOURS at a time. i would watch him play his video games (he likes this for some reason) and cheer him on. all b/c he said that this would mean a lot to him and that w. me doing this he would stop caring about watching porn b/c not only does he have another way to relieve his stress... but he has me there w. him ok.. w/e. so tell me WHY after i did everything he asked and everything he said he needed to not watch this again... is he WATCHING IT AGAIN.

sorry.. i kinda went off on another mini vent. but to answer your question i have had this talk w. him. we discussed this already and i trusted when he said that since now he can freely play his video games he wouldnt have to rely on porn

What is wrong with the man watching porn? I would appreciate the fact that he is IN THE HOUSE watching porn and not outside doing God only knows to some stranger. Maybe if you stop being so hard on him, he'd stop watching it on his own. Sometimes men just want to know that thier woman won't trip on them for being themselves. If you give him an inch he might not take a mile.

 

[weaveologist]

What is wrong with the man watching porn? I would appreciate the fact that he is IN THE HOUSE watching porn and not outside doing God only knows to some stranger. Maybe if you stop being so hard on him, he'd stop watching it on his own. Sometimes men just want to know that thier woman won't trip on them for being themselves. If you give him an inch he might not take a mile.

And he can't play video games either??? I'm glad you aren't my woman....

 

[weaveologist]

To be perfectly honest, i think you are over reacting.

If he was watching porn all the time, and neglecting your needs, or if the porn is having a side effect in your relationship, ie, he's needs porn to *function* i'd understand...but it seems to me like he was fine with you till you saw pics on his computer, In other words, his behaviour to you hadn't changed regardless of him watching porn behind your back.

Firstly, porn aint another woman, he wouldnt suddenly fall in love with a porn film and want to end your relationship...No matter how many pics of a (fantasy) porn star he has, he has only one woman, you, in his home.


Secondly,From what i know, most men like to watch porn once in a while. Its just porn. Its a bit harsh to expect him to go from porn lover to NEVER seeing porn again. Most men i know (if they love you) would do exactly what he's done in that situation ie promise they wont do it again then try and be more crafty, which is more dangerous IMO

As for him lying to you, i dont think its a good idea to force anyone not to do something they like to do.
This is the reason why he is lying to you.

If you really love him and want him to stop it, i suggest you drop the ultimatums, (he will keep doing it behind ur back if you keep that up, hun), try and stop being judgemental and find out just how into porn he is, then work on reducing it.

If you're not prepared to work on your relationship, (and bear in mind that all relationships are hard work) he is probably right.... you dont love him very much. You should leave him and get someone else.
JMHO

Exactly! I don't get it.

 

[MzLady78]

If she doesn't like it, she doesn't like it- period. That's it.

I'm not understanding why people are feeling compelled to tell her she should just accept it when she's made it very clear that she's uncomfortable with it.

Yet another example of a woman being told to settle for the sake of keeping a man.

 

[MrsQueeny]

If she doesn't like it, she doesn't like it- period. That's it.

I'm not understanding why people are feeling compelled to tell her she should just accept it when she's made it very clear that she's uncomfortable with it.

Exactly. If this is something she cannot accept then she shouldn't, period. Q

 

[firecracker]

My siggy quote applies to this situation and most others! LOL

 

[weaveologist]

its good to kno so many of you agree w. me. what i've been hearing the most from guys and girls was that i wasn't being fair to him. esp since he's waiting for me...(im want to wait til marriage b4 i do the do) and im taking away an alternative and something he's been doing since b4 he met me and blah blah blah.

he's still begging for forgiveness and for us to work this out but...smh.. im so disgusted with him now.
anyhow i thank you all for your support. you're making this much easier

ETA: you see him lying wasnt based on his desire to decieve you, it was bounded by his history. He has a history of watching porn for whatever reason, he had sex before, if you link the two together you have a strong addiction. Being with you, he is not allowed to have sex so he finds another method of accomplishing the same goals.

reason my guy friend gave me

HOLD UP!!! *Fainting* So you're not having sex with him until you guys get married. He can't watch porn AND he can't play video games....All I hear is you telling him what he can't do and TAKING THINGS FROM HIM. I do think you're being extremely unfair. If the man loves you enough to not have sex because YOU want don't to is he not allowed other outlets?? He can't get off. He can't play his video games. I would be stressed the hell out to being with you! He probably has all kinds of stress and what not built up....... I say you have a keeper because most men would have showed you the door the first time you tried to be his mother by telling him what he can and can not do.