HELP!! confused about lying bf (long)

[locabouthair]

wow.. what are you guys seeing that i'm not?! maybe it is my inexperience speaking but.. i dont see why you guys think he's cheating. i dont see what's clicking with you guys that just doesn't seem to be clicking with me.

Runway, my response had NOTHING to do with cheating. I didn't think of cheating, when I wrote my response.

This is how I feel,

He is lying to others about his accomplishments/job offers right? And calls his roommate liars, right? to me that's a hyprocrite. I just think someone who lies about what they have and feels like they have to prove something to others is VERY unappealing.

the fact that he had to lie about that, is stating that he might have a lying problem so can you really trust what he says? That's why I said you have to look at his character.

I think that's a MAJOR red flag.

I used to think as long as a guy wasn't cheating, everything was all good but thats definitely not true.

Plus he's saying that ya'll have an open relationship. Is that true? If you didn't agree on that, thats another reason for him to get kicked to the curb.

he's a liar, plus he's downplaying your relationship. That's why I wrote what I wrote in my previous response.

Now since you brought up the cheating. He is saying that you have an open relationship so i guess he's telling others that it's okay if he messes around with other girls. If that's okay with you, then hey.

Bottom line, cheating aside, I would bounce.

I didn't read any of the other responses so if I'm missing something, my bad.

 

[locabouthair]

Thanks for explaining the MySpace thing, btw.

Personally, I don't necessarily think that he's cheating, but I do think he shows signs of being a pathological liar... there's too much going on here that requires "explanation," especially so early in this relationship. And all involving other girls? Come on now...

While he may not be actually cheating on you, it sounds like he either enjoys flirting with other women and not completely shutting the door on other possibilities OR he just is a pathological liar, which would definitely create problems for you later on.

I think what we're seeing is a bunch of communication with other women and explanations that don't need to be taking place... and it all comes off as fishy.

That's what Im saying. That ALONE is enough reason for you to move on.

 

[Farida]

Go back and re-read your post.

Time for some tough love.

I'm sorry but I HATE when women do this.

You have a man who is either not a good man or isn't treating you well on something MAJOR. Don't say it isn't because if it wasn't you would not have written such a long post. This would be a non-issue?

So what do women do? You cushion his character by talking about all the other good stuff he does for you and how he is so gracious as to put up with you (which is something you deserve, not something you are lucky to get) and somehow that is supposed to make the red flags and character flaws go away.

He sounds like a pathological liar. I would think about the jobs he was lying because he is embarrassed but it would raise a red flag.

Whatever the truth is - whether or not he is faithful, you don't trust him. Trust your gut. You cannot be with someone who you feel the need to check up after. Sweetie, this stuff, it doesn't get better. It gets worse. If someone has a flaw and you want to know whether or not you can live with it - ask yourself. Magnify it and see if you'd still want to be with him.

If you stay you need to be at a place where you don't feel the need to check up on him. If you do, trust your gut and leave. Stop waiting for him to change. He is a grown man and if he behaves like this it is because he has been that way all his life and he isn't going to change.

 

[runwaydream]

Thanks for explaining the MySpace thing, btw.

Personally, I don't necessarily think that he's cheating, but I do think he shows signs of being a pathological liar... there's too much going on here that requires "explanation," especially so early in this relationship. And all involving other girls? Come on now...

While he may not be actually cheating on you, it sounds like he either enjoys flirting with other women and not completely shutting the door on other possibilities OR he just is a pathological liar, which would definitely create problems for you later on.

I think what we're seeing is a bunch of communication with other women and explanations that don't need to be taking place... and it all comes off as fishy.

thx for ur response. i see what you're saying about all the communication with other girls. but honestly... i cant say too much about that b/c i knew he had female friends b4 we started dating. and i have alot of male friends. actually most of my friends are guys. so for me to demand he cut off communication with his female friends would mean i'd have to cut off communication with my male friends. that's not something i could do so thats not something i can ask of him either. thats why i cant take the comments some of these ladies wrote about him cheating b/c of his messages too seriously. b/c if someone were to look at my inbox full of messages from male friends then they could assume the same about me. and they'd be dead wrong.

 

[runwaydream]

i appreciate all of you guy's advice. everyone keeps asking what is my gut telling me. and my gut is telling me that he does love me. that he's not a pathological liar (i was EXTREMELY surprised when i saw what he said to her) tho i do think he tends to count his eggs before they're hatched. and my gut is also telling me that he isnt cheating on me. i do trust him. i really do. which is why even tho i had his passwords i havent checked his messages until i read that thread.

also in case any of you are wondering im not one of those girls who go into things blindly. i am pretty suspicious and try to keep my eyes wide open and consider all possibilities. this is also one of the reasons i wrote this thread. so i can see all of the possibilities and see this situation from different perspectives. im glad i did. alot of what you guys said had a lot of truth to it. esp the not rushing in too quickly and letting my inexperience and feelings for him cloud my judgment. i do think i need to take a step back sometimes and see things for what they really are.

but i do appreciate all of this advice and hope they keep coming b/c its really helping me see things from another light and seeing what you guys thing is really helpful.

 

[Rapunzel*]

open relationship wtf???
men lie they lie they lie

 

[Spongie Bloom]

i appreciate all of you guy's advice. everyone keeps asking what is my gut telling me. and my gut is telling me that he does love me. that he's not a pathological liar (i was EXTREMELY surprised when i saw what he said to her) tho i do think he tends to count his eggs before they're hatched. and my gut is also telling me that he isnt cheating on me. i do trust him. i really do. which is why even tho i had his passwords i havent checked his messages until i read that thread.

also in case any of you are wondering im not one of those girls who go into things blindly. i am pretty suspicious and try to keep my eyes wide open and consider all possibilities. this is also one of the reasons i wrote this thread. so i can see all of the possibilities and see this situation from different perspectives. im glad i did. alot of what you guys said had a lot of truth to it. esp the not rushing in too quickly and letting my inexperience and feelings for him cloud my judgment. i do think i need to take a step back sometimes and see things for what they really are.

but i do appreciate all of this advice and hope they keep coming b/c its really helping me see things from another light and seeing what you guys thing is really helpful.

girl do what you gotta do (what you had decided to do before you even started this thread) i mean if you think a man who has known you for two months is already in love with you then so be it stranger things have happened

 

[caltron]

Don't listen to your gut. Just RUN! There are just too many red flags here. The more you post the worse it gets. You've only been with him two months, and he is already having to do a lot of explaining. Cut your losses before you get too deepy invested and run.

The relationships that hurt the worst are the ones where you knew you should have left a million times, but choose to stay anyway.

 

[hunnybunny81]

wow.. what are you guys seeing that i'm not?! maybe it is my inexperience speaking but.. i dont see why you guys think he's cheating. i honestly don't think he is. he's with me all the time and if we're not together we're talking on AIM and if we're not on AIM or together it's cause i'm workiing, and in that case we're either on the phone or texting constantly. unless we're sleeping we're always in constant contact with each other.

No matter how much time you spend with someone, they can and will always find the time to do what they want. I'm not saying he's cheating, but please do not think that just because you spend a majority of your time together that it isn't possible. There is always, and I mean always time to cheat.

In my experience, the man who I thought "didn't have enough time to cheat" because he was with me seemingly 24/7...was usually the one who ended up being up to no good with someone else....

 

[Queen V]

The above ladies have given you excellent advice, OP; I just want to add that sometimes it's very difficult to maintain objectivity when your emotions are deeply involved. I remember very clearly being your age and in similar situations, and if I could go back in time and give myself advice it would be the same thing that I'm saying to you here: "Keep your eyes and ears open, and make sure you're following your mind as well as your heart."

 

[ekomba]

ok ladies. here goes. now i love my boyfriend dearly. we haven't been together for a long time but it feels like we have. we always say that it just feels like we're meant to be together. we're even making plans on getting married once i'm done with school.

he has given me his myspace password a long time ago and i read through his email and he answered any questions i had about them. this really upped the trust level by a lot. a few weeks later i was at his house and while he was taking a shower i started checked his facebook that he left up. (i swear i had just planned on logging off and going under my name but it was just THERE. and my curiosity got the best of me. plus if he gave me his myspace that means he doesn't have anything to hide on fb right?) so anyway i go and read his emails. in all honesty i really didn't expect to find anything. but... i did. i saw a message he wrote to one of his female friends that was written on the day that me and him became official and he changed his status. she had wrote a comment on his wall saying "wow that was quick, tell me about her" (he had broken up with his ex 3 months earlier.) well n e how the message that he wrote to her was:

"yea, it kinda was quick, but I guess I was sitting around waiting to see how stuff was gonna develop ya know and I eneded up meeting her the night I decided to go to the club alone since dion was bugging and all. (dion is his roommate) she is... really don't know how to explain her except unique. (is this a compliment? i kno i say that about myself but.. couldnt he think of a better way to describe me?) right now we are more so and open relationship (negro, since when!?!) but i wanted to change my status to throw it into the face of micheriablush: ladies this damn near killed me). so we will see where this goes or if it takes off like i said its still and open relationship so we gonna see who we gonna see but in the long run if no one can change our minds we will stay together."

ok.. now at this point we had been together "officially" for almost a month and things were going really well plus like i said our relationship was pretty fast and intense so it felt like a yr. anyway im not one who can easily pretend that something is ok when it isn't so he knew right away something was wrong. i confronted him about his fb and told him that we should be in an open relationship since that's how we started out anyway. he protested and his whole explanation on this thing was that he had thought that she might've liked him for awhile now and after she wrote that comment on his wall it raised his suspicions even higher. so he wrote that message to see if it was true. after she didn't say anything that made it seem like she wanted to get together he left it alone (which from the fb convo he did, nothing else was ever brought up about it) but my thing is.. that explanation seems i mean it just SOUNDS like a lie. or at least not the complete truth. but he swore up and down that it was and he gave me his fb psswd and told me to check it whenever i want and that he has nothing to hide from me.

we moved on from there and i tried my best to leave it alone and to not keep bringing it up. anyway i haven't checked his messages in quite some time. (all in all i trust him and honestly don't think he's cheating on me) today i read the thread by adequate asking do we check our SO's messages. after reading that thread it got me in the mood to check his. so i did.. i didn't find anything incriminating really but i DID find some things that bothered me. today he has an interview at disney and he got a summer job at universal with me. he also got offered another job at finishline. (he has just graduated 3 mths ago and couldn't find a job for awhile. he even considered going back to his hometown to get back on his feet, then all of a sudden he got all these job offers at once) ok.. so i read his myspace and he's talking about how he's being showered w. job offers.. which i guess is sorta true. but THEN he started adding stuff that wasn't true. like universal offered him a job to design their clothing line or w/e (hes a graphic designer) this isn't true. we both got offered a job to rent out strollers. he also said disney offered him this job too. and he also said finishline offered him this prestigious job (cant remember what exactly) ...again.. not true. they offered him a job selling shoes. that's IT. he also said apple offered him a job and all of these other places.. they DIDN'T. i just can't understand why he's so BLATANTLY lying. esp when he kept going on and on about how he hates how his roommate is a liar. and plus i personally can't STAND ppl who lie for no good reason. it really gets under my skin.

so now idk what to think. i mean i'm telling you i hate, hate, HATE liars. i really do. and now he's just sitting here lying his a$$ off. for apparently no good reason. and if he's lying to his friends for no good reason why wouldn't he lie to ME for a good one? what makes me think he hasn't lied to me already? idk.. im not really that experienced in relationships so i'm not sure what to think.

all i can say about him and our relationship is that he treats me wonderfully. he has his flaws but i'm trying to get around them. he puts up with me and my bull$hit and trust me i put up alot. whenever we have a problem he's always trying to work it out instead of run away from it (im usually doing the running) he's a complete gentleman and treats me with the utmost respect. he's really trying to do something with his life and says that i'm his motivation.. but idk sometimes you guys.. anyway just tell me what you think.

i see that not alot of u ladies are in the relationship forum today.. either way i'll be grateful to any piece of advice i get. TIA!!

This right there stops me, what i put in bolded underlined flaunting your relationship status to vex the ex is a sign that a man is not over someone and personnally i would not appreciate someone using me to make another person jealous. and plus adding open relationship is a cowardly way to be able to creep back in the previous relationship in case the stratagem works.

Listen to your guts and trust me you could have closed his facebook page but our instincts sometimes get the best part. Do not deny what your inconscious is trying to tell you. But in anything do not have any regrets cause one little month is too soon to know someone, it s good to take the time to know people date and learn from their behaviors over a long time to know if they are right for us. But if it does not feel right do what s best for u.

Be blessed
Ek

 

[BroadstreetBully]

yes we are considering marriage but we are aware that theres a chance it wouldn't get that far. we don't plan on getting married until i'm out of school. which wont be til 2 yrs from now.
yes i do believe we are on the same page. he's the one that brought up the possibility of marriage to begin with. and i do see myself marrying him if we made it that far. but that's not for awhile anyways. i just mentioned that in my post to show how serious we are about each other.

he's no longer in college. i am. he graduated two years ago. he got a summer job with me b/c he didn't find a job that was related to his major right off the bat so he just needed a job to pay the bills until he found one. he may have gotten one (like i said he has an interview at disney).

yes he is my first boyfriend. i've dated a lot of guys before. some for longer periods than i've been with my current bf but i didnt feel strongly enough about them to claim them as a bf. i would always decline the offer b/c i wouldn't get into something unless i'm sure i am willing to commit completely to that person and that there is a good possibility that a relationship with them will work out. i take something like that very seriously.

i did write a post about him before and it was about him playing his playstation and not paying enough attention to me.

They always do.

Please believe that we are not trying to tear you or your relationship down. But the ladies here are wise and have dealt with similar situations. I know for a fact that within the first couple of months in any relationship talk of marriage, etc...is not good. Those months should be spent having fun and enjoying each other's company and not having these serious talks and issues with exes, lying, etc... You two are moving WAY TOO FAST! Please don't get blinded by "I Love You's" from a man this early on. I clicked with every ex I had and that wasn't enough to keep the relationship going. Men are quick to "fall in love" even months after a breakup.

Story of my greatest heartbreak. He broke up with his lying ex 3 months before we started dating. He couldn't stand her, or at least that's what he told me. The first couple of months were bliss...there were some trust issues but I ignored them because he did SO MUCH for me. He told me he loved me, he brought up marriage, he introduced me to his family, wanted to spend every free hour he had with me, wanted us to move in together, introduced me to all of his friends, I truly believed he was the one. Fastfoward to month 4 and he suddenly changed very quickly. The phone calls became less frequent, the "I Love You's" stopped, he began to talk about changing his life plans. Then he told me one day that he lost feelings for me. It hurt, and sure it only lasted a few months, but this was the first guy I ever felt an emotional attachment to. We moved so fast that it felt like we'd been together for years. He mistook his lust for love. His last breakup truly set a void for him, and I filled it temporarily. He thought he was over her, but realized that it was more complicated than that. He suddenly wanted his freedom and clarity of mind. When we first got together I told him I didn't want anything serious, but he was the one who help me tight as we fell together. But those feelings changed overnight, and there was no convincing him otherwise.

That heartbreak taught me some valuable lessons...
1.) Be weary of guys who start talking love and marriage early on. True love does take time, but lust is instant gratification. A man should be considerate of both his heart and your heart...meaning that he should take the time to make sure his "I Love You's" are genuine, and that he isn't stringing you along on what could possibly be a false sense of love and devotion. He shouldn't be talking marriage either until he is sure that all the drama is out the door and he's ready to commit to you and only you. Red Flag

2.) "Clicking" isn't enough to save a relationship. I clicked with my biggest heartbreak. I just felt it. He was the only guy who understood my inside jokes, even to this day. He could look at me and know what I was feeling. That is why we fell so quick. But it just isn't enough. True love doesn't mean you have to click early on. Sometimes couples who click in the beginning grow apart, while couples who don't click grow closer and click with time. Please don't let "clicking" be the driving force in your relationship.

3.) Just because a man isn't cheating on you physically doesn't mean he isn't cheating on you emotionally. After the breakup I found out from his "friends" that he was telling them that we weren't really serious and he wasn't sure about how he felt about me. This was night and day compared to what he was telling me. Red Flag

4.) A man will give you access to his Myspace, Facebook, Phone, Email, SSN, Tax Documents, Medical History, etc...to give you a false sense of security and trust, and believe that men have been conditioned from birth to be excellent liars. They have an excuse for EVERYTHING. I'd be weary of a man who gives me blatant access to these things as an incentive for me to "check up on him". He has every right to his privacy, and his actions should be trustworthy enough for me. Of course we will get the urge to sneak around, but no reason for him to be handing out passwords and stuff.
5.) By being in love 2 months in you are not allowing yourself to see the man he really is because you are blinded by Cupid. A man shows who he is over time, and a clear heart and mind is the best way to observe his actions. In two months you two should be enjoying an "intense friendship", not talking marriage. We are observing him from the outside, but you are using your heart. Not good.

If it doesn't seem right, it probably isn't. Your gut is NOT telling you that everything is okay, cause if it was you wouldn't be posting here about him this early on.

Yes, it's tough love. It does get frustrating when people post on here and ask for advice, but then turn around and defend the man. I've done it before, so I'm not knocking you...but we are going to tell you what you don't want to hear. I say take it to heart and keep your eyes open. Don't let him run the same game too many men are running. We've all been there, but we have to let you learn on your own. Good Luck with everything.

 

[new-life]

OP Are you still logged in at his house? If so, he might have many more explanations ready for you.

 

[Ms_Delikate]

No matter how much time you spend with someone, they can and will always find the time to do what they want. I'm not saying he's cheating, but please do not think that just because you spend a majority of your time together that it isn't possible. There is always, and I mean always time to cheat.

In my experience, the man who I thought "didn't have enough time to cheat" because he was with me seemingly 24/7...was usually the one who ended up being up to no good with someone else....

...Take it from someone who found this out the hard way last weekend....thats all

 

[Ms_Delikate]

They always do.

Please believe that we are not trying to tear you or your relationship down. But the ladies here are wise and have dealt with similar situations. I know for a fact that within the first couple of months in any relationship talk of marriage, etc...is not good. Those months should be spent having fun and enjoying each other's company and not having these serious talks and issues with exes, lying, etc... You two are moving WAY TOO FAST! Please don't get blinded by "I Love You's" from a man this early on. I clicked with every ex I had and that wasn't enough to keep the relationship going. Men are quick to "fall in love" even months after a breakup.

Story of my greatest heartbreak. He broke up with his lying ex 3 months before we started dating. He couldn't stand her, or at least that's what he told me. The first couple of months were bliss...there were some trust issues but I ignored them because he did SO MUCH for me. He told me he loved me, he brought up marriage, he introduced me to his family, wanted to spend every free hour he had with me, wanted us to move in together, introduced me to all of his friends, I truly believed he was the one. Fastfoward to month 4 and he suddenly changed very quickly. The phone calls became less frequent, the "I Love You's" stopped, he began to talk about changing his life plans. Then he told me one day that he lost feelings for me. It hurt, and sure it only lasted a few months, but this was the first guy I ever felt an emotional attachment to. We moved so fast that it felt like we'd been together for years. He mistook his lust for love. His last breakup truly set a void for him, and I filled it temporarily. He thought he was over her, but realized that it was more complicated than that. He suddenly wanted his freedom and clarity of mind. When we first got together I told him I didn't want anything serious, but he was the one who help me tight as we fell together. But those feelings changed overnight, and there was no convincing him otherwise.

That heartbreak taught me some valuable lessons...
1.) Be weary of guys who start talking love and marriage early on. True love does take time, but lust is instant gratification. A man should be considerate of both his heart and your heart...meaning that he should take the time to make sure his "I Love You's" are genuine, and that he isn't stringing you along on what could possibly be a false sense of love and devotion. He shouldn't be talking marriage either until he is sure that all the drama is out the door and he's ready to commit to you and only you. Red Flag

2.) "Clicking" isn't enough to save a relationship. I clicked with my biggest heartbreak. I just felt it. He was the only guy who understood my inside jokes, even to this day. He could look at me and know what I was feeling. That is why we fell so quick. But it just isn't enough. True love doesn't mean you have to click early on. Sometimes couples who click in the beginning grow apart, while couples who don't click grow closer and click with time. Please don't let "clicking" be the driving force in your relationship.

3.) Just because a man isn't cheating on you physically doesn't mean he isn't cheating on you emotionally. After the breakup I found out from his "friends" that he was telling them that we weren't really serious and he wasn't sure about how he felt about me. This was night and day compared to what he was telling me. Red Flag

4.) A man will give you access to his Myspace, Facebook, Phone, Email, SSN, Tax Documents, Medical History, etc...to give you a false sense of security and trust, and believe that men have been conditioned from birth to be excellent liars. They have an excuse for EVERYTHING. I'd be weary of a man who gives me blatant access to these things as an incentive for me to "check up on him". He has every right to his privacy, and his actions should be trustworthy enough for me. Of course we will get the urge to sneak around, but no reason for him to be handing out passwords and stuff.
5.) By being in love 2 months in you are not allowing yourself to see the man he really is because you are blinded by Cupid. A man shows who he is over time, and a clear heart and mind is the best way to observe his actions. In two months you two should be enjoying an "intense friendship", not talking marriage. We are observing him from the outside, but you are using your heart. Not good.

If it doesn't seem right, it probably isn't. Your gut is NOT telling you that everything is okay, cause if it was you wouldn't be posting here about him this early on.

Yes, it's tough love. It does get frustrating when people post on here and ask for advice, but then turn around and defend the man. I've done it before, so I'm not knocking you...but we are going to tell you what you don't want to hear. I say take it to heart and keep your eyes open. Don't let him run the same game too many men are running. We've all been there, but we have to let you learn on your own. Good Luck with everything.

^^^^^^Well said....everything you said was soooo on point

 

[Spongie Bloom]

They always do.

Please believe that we are not trying to tear you or your relationship down. But the ladies here are wise and have dealt with similar situations. I know for a fact that within the first couple of months in any relationship talk of marriage, etc...is not good. Those months should be spent having fun and enjoying each other's company and not having these serious talks and issues with exes, lying, etc... You two are moving WAY TOO FAST! Please don't get blinded by "I Love You's" from a man this early on. I clicked with every ex I had and that wasn't enough to keep the relationship going. Men are quick to "fall in love" even months after a breakup.

Story of my greatest heartbreak. He broke up with his lying ex 3 months before we started dating. He couldn't stand her, or at least that's what he told me. The first couple of months were bliss...there were some trust issues but I ignored them because he did SO MUCH for me. He told me he loved me, he brought up marriage, he introduced me to his family, wanted to spend every free hour he had with me, wanted us to move in together, introduced me to all of his friends, I truly believed he was the one. Fastfoward to month 4 and he suddenly changed very quickly. The phone calls became less frequent, the "I Love You's" stopped, he began to talk about changing his life plans. Then he told me one day that he lost feelings for me. It hurt, and sure it only lasted a few months, but this was the first guy I ever felt an emotional attachment to. We moved so fast that it felt like we'd been together for years. He mistook his lust for love. His last breakup truly set a void for him, and I filled it temporarily. He thought he was over her, but realized that it was more complicated than that. He suddenly wanted his freedom and clarity of mind. When we first got together I told him I didn't want anything serious, but he was the one who help me tight as we fell together. But those feelings changed overnight, and there was no convincing him otherwise.

That heartbreak taught me some valuable lessons...
1.) Be weary of guys who start talking love and marriage early on. True love does take time, but lust is instant gratification. A man should be considerate of both his heart and your heart...meaning that he should take the time to make sure his "I Love You's" are genuine, and that he isn't stringing you along on what could possibly be a false sense of love and devotion. He shouldn't be talking marriage either until he is sure that all the drama is out the door and he's ready to commit to you and only you. Red Flag

2.) "Clicking" isn't enough to save a relationship. I clicked with my biggest heartbreak. I just felt it. He was the only guy who understood my inside jokes, even to this day. He could look at me and know what I was feeling. That is why we fell so quick. But it just isn't enough. True love doesn't mean you have to click early on. Sometimes couples who click in the beginning grow apart, while couples who don't click grow closer and click with time. Please don't let "clicking" be the driving force in your relationship.

3.) Just because a man isn't cheating on you physically doesn't mean he isn't cheating on you emotionally. After the breakup I found out from his "friends" that he was telling them that we weren't really serious and he wasn't sure about how he felt about me. This was night and day compared to what he was telling me. Red Flag

4.) A man will give you access to his Myspace, Facebook, Phone, Email, SSN, Tax Documents, Medical History, etc...to give you a false sense of security and trust, and believe that men have been conditioned from birth to be excellent liars. They have an excuse for EVERYTHING. I'd be weary of a man who gives me blatant access to these things as an incentive for me to "check up on him". He has every right to his privacy, and his actions should be trustworthy enough for me. Of course we will get the urge to sneak around, but no reason for him to be handing out passwords and stuff.
5.) By being in love 2 months in you are not allowing yourself to see the man he really is because you are blinded by Cupid. A man shows who he is over time, and a clear heart and mind is the best way to observe his actions. In two months you two should be enjoying an "intense friendship", not talking marriage. We are observing him from the outside, but you are using your heart. Not good.

If it doesn't seem right, it probably isn't. Your gut is NOT telling you that everything is okay, cause if it was you wouldn't be posting here about him this early on.

Yes, it's tough love. It does get frustrating when people post on here and ask for advice, but then turn around and defend the man. I've done it before, so I'm not knocking you...but we are going to tell you what you don't want to hear. I say take it to heart and keep your eyes open. Don't let him run the same game too many men are running. We've all been there, but we have to let you learn on your own. Good Luck with everything.

So on point, look OP im sure you are not that blind because even if this is your first bf you are not that naive. The fact that you are defending his every move when people who dont know this man and can be objective are seeing things plain as day tell you exactly what they see, hence i said in my previous post you already made up your mind to what you were going to do or believe before you even wrote this thread; if anything keep this thread as reference for the near future

 

[Blaque*Angel]

((HUGS)) runway

 

[*KP*]

How does that saying go?

If it looks like a duck, if it waddles like a duck, if it quacks like a duck- then it's probably a duck.

If it looks like a sh*t and smells like a sh*t....

 

[Duchesse]

They always do.

Please believe that we are not trying to tear you or your relationship down. But the ladies here are wise and have dealt with similar situations. I know for a fact that within the first couple of months in any relationship talk of marriage, etc...is not good. Those months should be spent having fun and enjoying each other's company and not having these serious talks and issues with exes, lying, etc... You two are moving WAY TOO FAST! Please don't get blinded by "I Love You's" from a man this early on. I clicked with every ex I had and that wasn't enough to keep the relationship going. Men are quick to "fall in love" even months after a breakup.

Story of my greatest heartbreak. He broke up with his lying ex 3 months before we started dating. He couldn't stand her, or at least that's what he told me. The first couple of months were bliss...there were some trust issues but I ignored them because he did SO MUCH for me. He told me he loved me, he brought up marriage, he introduced me to his family, wanted to spend every free hour he had with me, wanted us to move in together, introduced me to all of his friends, I truly believed he was the one. Fastfoward to month 4 and he suddenly changed very quickly. The phone calls became less frequent, the "I Love You's" stopped, he began to talk about changing his life plans. Then he told me one day that he lost feelings for me. It hurt, and sure it only lasted a few months, but this was the first guy I ever felt an emotional attachment to. We moved so fast that it felt like we'd been together for years. He mistook his lust for love. His last breakup truly set a void for him, and I filled it temporarily. He thought he was over her, but realized that it was more complicated than that. He suddenly wanted his freedom and clarity of mind. When we first got together I told him I didn't want anything serious, but he was the one who help me tight as we fell together. But those feelings changed overnight, and there was no convincing him otherwise.

That heartbreak taught me some valuable lessons...
1.) Be weary of guys who start talking love and marriage early on. True love does take time, but lust is instant gratification. A man should be considerate of both his heart and your heart...meaning that he should take the time to make sure his "I Love You's" are genuine, and that he isn't stringing you along on what could possibly be a false sense of love and devotion. He shouldn't be talking marriage either until he is sure that all the drama is out the door and he's ready to commit to you and only you. Red Flag

2.) "Clicking" isn't enough to save a relationship. I clicked with my biggest heartbreak. I just felt it. He was the only guy who understood my inside jokes, even to this day. He could look at me and know what I was feeling. That is why we fell so quick. But it just isn't enough. True love doesn't mean you have to click early on. Sometimes couples who click in the beginning grow apart, while couples who don't click grow closer and click with time. Please don't let "clicking" be the driving force in your relationship.

3.) Just because a man isn't cheating on you physically doesn't mean he isn't cheating on you emotionally. After the breakup I found out from his "friends" that he was telling them that we weren't really serious and he wasn't sure about how he felt about me. This was night and day compared to what he was telling me. Red Flag

4.) A man will give you access to his Myspace, Facebook, Phone, Email, SSN, Tax Documents, Medical History, etc...to give you a false sense of security and trust, and believe that men have been conditioned from birth to be excellent liars. They have an excuse for EVERYTHING. I'd be weary of a man who gives me blatant access to these things as an incentive for me to "check up on him". He has every right to his privacy, and his actions should be trustworthy enough for me. Of course we will get the urge to sneak around, but no reason for him to be handing out passwords and stuff.
5.) By being in love 2 months in you are not allowing yourself to see the man he really is because you are blinded by Cupid. A man shows who he is over time, and a clear heart and mind is the best way to observe his actions. In two months you two should be enjoying an "intense friendship", not talking marriage. We are observing him from the outside, but you are using your heart. Not good.

If it doesn't seem right, it probably isn't. Your gut is NOT telling you that everything is okay, cause if it was you wouldn't be posting here about him this early on.

Yes, it's tough love. It does get frustrating when people post on here and ask for advice, but then turn around and defend the man. I've done it before, so I'm not knocking you...but we are going to tell you what you don't want to hear. I say take it to heart and keep your eyes open. Don't let him run the same game too many men are running. We've all been there, but we have to let you learn on your own. Good Luck with everything.

Note to self: When relationship advice/soft kick in the butt to knock some gold ole' common sense into me is needed, log on to LHCF and ask redRiot for help...

So on point that was!

 

[1QTPie]

I haven't read the entire thread so pardon me if I miss something.

I have a problem with you reading each other's personal email and myspace etc. Especially without a clear understanding of where the relationship stands. AND you're just dating, you're not engaged or married. It seems like a con to me. And besides why do you WANT to read his private stuff anyway, you can't control what he types or what is sent. It's fruitless.

IMO you found what you were looking for even though you say it was innocent. If you weren't snooping for a problem, why read his personal stuff at all? Anyway,

if it's in your heart that he's lying then he is. Do what you want with that, you either accept it and move on (being with him or without) or you stay and be suspicious and unhappy. Make a choice.

 

[runwaydream]

wow. this is wonderful advice. esp from redriot. thank you all so much for your time and concern.

pls believe that i wasn't trying to defend him but i did want to make sure that i gave you all aspects of our relationship (or at least as much as i can in a few paragraphs) i kno sometimes my friends may tell me something and all i hear one side of the story and then they add just a few more pieces in and then my whole opinion changed. but adding on what i did later on i was just giving you the entire story b/c the story i gave initially wasn't exactly accurate.

after reading what all was said, esp redriot's story and how similar to mine it sounds, it definitely left me confused and incredibly worried.
seeing how you ladies took the time out to give me honest responses i feel as if i have to be completely honest with you. no, i don't plan on leaving him. as someone posted already "you already knew what you were gonna do before you posted." when i posted i wasn't asking if i should break up with him or not, i knew i wouldn't. i wanted to see what you guys thought of this situation and what you would do if you were in my position. so while this DOES INDEED raise a red flag, even moreso now that i've read what you ladies had to say. i don't think it's enough to throw away what we have. those who said that he was a lying cheating scumbag can be absolutely right.. but then again can be absolutely wrong. i don't think this one incident is enough for me to accurately identify that characteristic in him.

however, about moving too quickly, again.. i completely agree with you guys. for now i think i'm gonna get marriage out of my mind completely and take things way slower. i dont want to be so focused on getting to the finishline that i dont see the red flags when they're raised (as someone on here mentioned) and also as some said "i dont want to be blinded by my love for him" i will begin to look at things more objectively.

again.. i can not begin to describe how thankful i am for your responses ladies. whether it seems like it or not your advice has given me a completely different perspective on this relationship. and from now on i'm sure i wont be as blind and or as naive as i have been thus far.

pls continue to leave comments if you feel like you have something to add. i will most definitely read all of them and respond.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

wow. this is wonderful advice. esp from redriot. thank you all so much for your time and concern.

pls believe that i wasn't trying to defend him but i did want to make sure that i gave you all aspects of our relationship (or at least as much as i can in a few paragraphs) i kno sometimes my friends may tell me something and all i hear one side of the story and then they add just a few more pieces in and then my whole opinion changed. but adding on what i did later on i was just giving you the entire story b/c the story i gave initially wasn't exactly accurate.

after reading what all was said, esp redriot's story and how similar to mine it sounds, it definitely left me confused and incredibly worried.
seeing how you ladies took the time out to give me honest responses i feel as if i have to be completely honest with you. no, i don't plan on leaving him. as someone posted already "you already knew what you were gonna do before you posted." when i posted i wasn't asking if i should break up with him or not, i knew i wouldn't. i wanted to see what you guys thought of this situation and what you would do if you were in my position. so while this DOES INDEED raise a red flag, even moreso now that i've read what you ladies had to say. i don't think it's enough to throw away what we have. those who said that he was a lying cheating scumbag can be absolutely right.. but then again can be absolutely wrong. i don't think this one incident is enough for me to accurately identify that characteristic in him.

however, about moving too quickly, again.. i completely agree with you guys. for now i think i'm gonna get marriage out of my mind completely and take things way slower. i dont want to be so focused on getting to the finishline that i dont see the red flags when they're raised (as someone on here mentioned) and also as some said "i dont want to be blinded by my love for him" i will begin to look at things more objectively.

again.. i can not begin to describe how thankful i am for your responses ladies. whether it seems like it or not your advice has given me a completely different perspective on this relationship. and from now on i'm sure i wont be as blind and or as naive as i have been thus far.

pls continue to leave comments if you feel like you have something to add. i will most definitely read all of them and respond.

((HUGS))

Like I said earlier, I wouldn't just up and dump him per se, but just keep your eyes open, you'll get your answer. Also this early on there is nothing wrong with keeping your options open as well. Not suggesting that you date other guys, but continue to think about the type of guy you really want and his qualities...if this guy matches...great, but if not it won't be so hard to move on. What one man won't/can't do another one will. Just don't put all your eggs in one basket, cause men certainly do not.

Enjoy the intense friendship and companionship you two have first, and then you can worry about marriage and all the new issues that come along with it later. You're supposed to be having fun right now!

 

[runwaydream]

((HUGS))

Like I said earlier, I wouldn't just up and dump him per se, but just keep your eyes open, you'll get your answer. Also this early on there is nothing wrong with keeping your options open as well. Not suggesting that you date other guys, but continue to think about the type of guy you really want and his qualities...if this guy matches...great, but if not it won't be so hard to move on. What one man won't/can't do another one will. Just don't put all your eggs in one basket, cause men certainly do not.

Enjoy the intense friendship and companionship you two have first, and then you can worry about marriage and all the new issues that come along with it later. You're supposed to be having fun right now!

thank you :blowkiss:

 

[Farida]

OP you are a good listener. I hate when people ask for advice but conveniently ignore what they don't agree with. Basically people who ask you for advice only so you can tell them what they are doing is OK, not because they need help.

 

[runwaydream]

OP you are a good listener. I hate when people ask for advice but conveniently ignore what they don't agree with. Basically people who ask you for advice only so you can tell them what they are doing is OK, not because they need help.

i know what you mean. ppl like that frustrate me to no end. even though it was hard listening to what some of you had to say, so much so that at times i honestly wish i hadn't posted this story. i took a lot out of what you all said. thanks a bunch for your insight. hopefully i'll be able to help you out on something too some time in the future.

 

[vestaluv1]

I think those are two important red flags, especially about him lying. When you look at a guy, it's not just about how he treats you, you have to look at his whole character.

I think you know what you need to do.

I'm sure you can find better.
Plus you're young, don't waste your time on someone who's not worth it.

I agree with the bolded.
Now, I do however think it's possible that he could be lying about jobs on the internet, yada yada, and be truthful to you. Some people just want to seem to be something they are not to others, or have something interesting to tell about themselves.

About the message to the girl that he wrote because he wanted to see if she was interested... I think that is a perfectly reasonable explanation. Some sad guys have to have their ego permanently stroked. But I wonder what would have happened if she had wrote back and wanted to 'start somethin' .

Man, you're too young to be stressin' like this and as an outsider, I would say that if you gotta be feeling like this in your relationship, worrying and fretting, especially so early on in your relationship, declare yourself single and lock him off. It sounds harsh but it really ain't worth it.
In general, whether a guy you're going out with is a 'good guy' or if he's a 'low-down dirty-a$$...', if you're forever fretting, forget it. You may have things you need to work on or you might just need a break from guys. I know some girls feel like they would rather stay in a harrowing relationship than go through the pain of a break up. Maybe this is how you feel?

Oh, and I'm not saying that your bf isn't sincere in the way he's treating you, but don't be fooled by a guy treating you right to you're face if he's disrespecting the heck outta you behind you're back (not saying this is happening to you).

I assume he's very young too, so maybe he needs time to grow up!