bf chose porn over me!!

[runwaydream]

ok...so here's the situation...

i come home from school and go online (im using my bf's computer and firefox was already up). i lurk on the forums for awhile and check out a bunch of other sites. Then the internet starts to act up. so after awhile of it still acting dumb i close the web browser. guess what i see? a folder that is still sitting open w. a bunch of porn in it and windows media up. when i pressed play some porno that he had been watching came up.

my guess is he was watching this first and then started surfing the web then realizing it was time to go to work, left forgetting that he had left his little stash up.

here's the deal.. me and him had been thru this b4. i don't like him looking at it..at ALL. he promised he wouldnt the first time i caught him. the second time i accidentally found it on his comp (he told me to click on a folder to see something and i clicked on the wrong one) we got into a huge blowup and he swore on his grandmothers grave that he'll delete every single porno that is on his computer and that i'll never see anything like this again. i believed him and we made up.

now months later what do i see? and u kno if it was only that i don't think i would've left him. but then after seeing that of course i actually started to LOOK for stuff and then i see this pic of this naked girl doing all sorts of things. (he had like 10 diff pix of her) but the one that hurt the most was when it was just her.. when she wasn't performing any sexual acts but was just lying there facing the camera w. her little whorish legs spread open. to me that just seemed more personal than all of the other crap i found. she wasn't performing an act. so its not like ..to quote him "its not the girls that i fantasize about its the actual act of sex that i like seeing" so i can't even use that as an excuse. its no act that he wants to see.. it's HER. and it just hurt so badly. and of course i wonder if when he's w. me he fantasizes about her.

now i know some ppl might say most guys like to watch porn yadda, yadda. but that's not the pt. the pt is he LIED to me. he looked me in the eye and LIED..BLATANTLY. and then tried to HIDE it by putting it under the folder name "battlefield" some video game he likes playing that he knew i would never click on. how can i consider spending the rest of my life w. someone who has no problems w. doing that. w. lying to me and tricking me. and guys..he swore on his dead grandmothers GRAVE that he would never do this again. he's a despicable liar and i can't respect him.

and thing is he wasnt even slick about it. i mean its like he didnt even care if i found it or not. and it was way too easy to find the pictures of that skanky girl. and he obviously just dl'd all of this garbage b/c he had recently cleaned out his entire computer and deleted everything from it. so i left and wrote him a note. i took the pic of us that was on his desktop background off and changed it to that pic of her and wrote him a note saying i hope jacking off to her was worth it. and left my ring on the comp

im at my parents house now. and i really just want to hear what other ppl would do in this situation. im just so upset right now. i should be studying but im too stressed. any advice would be good.

 

[runwaydream]

re-reading what i wrote... i guess i should learn how to make use of commas huh? =/

 

[Syrah]

I'm not a good person to ask because I don't see a problem with porn. A) I don't see what the big deal is with porn B) For most men I feel like it's something they glance at from time to time but it isn't an obsession. C) On average, it's a fantasy. Ask the average dude who watches porn if they'd ever date a porn star and the answer is no. If that's what he wanted - some girl who would do anything and everything for sexual attention - he'd be with that and he wouldn't be with you. You need to remember this.

That being said - he didn't choose porn over you. But you're pushing him into a situation where he's going to be forced to make a choice. You telling him "I don't like this - don't do it anymore" and he saying "ok" doesn't necessarily solve your problem. It's a bandaid over a cut that needs some stitches. If porn is an issue for you and it's that big of an issue, where its got you stressed out - you need to explain to him what you don't like about it, and why you see it as a problem (and no "it's nasty" is not an adequate explanation).

You titled the thread "bf chose porn over me!". You need to ask yourself if you're really ready to lose your man over porn...?

And the answer will tell you how to approach the situation.

 

[UmSumayyah]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I couldn't live with him either.

 

[CherishMeNaturally]

Wow...when I was reading your post I was looking for an explanation about why you didn't want him to look at porn but I didn't see that one.

I don't think he chose porn over you, but why don't you want him looking at it? Did you tell him that?

I guess bc I don't really have an issue with porn but when my SO looks at it and lies about it, that bothers me. I'm ok w/him looking at it, just don't lie about it.

I think in this situation that is the problem...not the porn but the lies.

 

[runwaydream]

gggrrrrrrrrrr.... i just typed out this long response and it all got erased!! ok... let me start over.

first i want to thank you all for responding so quickly.

next i want to answer ms. nadi. me and him DID sit down and talk about it. when i found the porn for a second time AFTER he already said he wouldn't have it on his comp anymore we had a big blowout. after which we sat down and tried to talk it out. he told me the main reason why he had it.. other than him liking to see the ACT of it was b/c it was a big stress reliever for him. he said porn and video games helps him relieve stress and since i don't like when he plays video games then this is his other option and by taking both of them away i left him w. none. i saw where he was coming from and told him i would no longer bother him about the video games and let him play in peace as long as he didn't play for hrs and hrs at a time. he also hinted to me that he would like for me to pick up a few games and play w. him. now i dont care for video games at ALL but i did so anyway. i even played world of warcraft for HOURS at a time. i would watch him play his video games (he likes this for some reason) and cheer him on. all b/c he said that this would mean a lot to him and that w. me doing this he would stop caring about watching porn b/c not only does he have another way to relieve his stress... but he has me there w. him ok.. w/e. so tell me WHY after i did everything he asked and everything he said he needed to not watch this again... is he WATCHING IT AGAIN.

sorry.. i kinda went off on another mini vent. but to answer your question i have had this talk w. him. we discussed this already and i trusted when he said that since now he can freely play his video games he wouldnt have to rely on porn

 

[runwaydream]

Wow...when I was reading your post I was looking for an explanation about why you didn't want him to look at porn but I didn't see that one.

I don't think he chose porn over you, but why don't you want him looking at it? Did you tell him that?

I guess bc I don't really have an issue with porn but when my SO looks at it and lies about it, that bothers me. I'm ok w/him looking at it, just don't lie about it.

I think in this situation that is the problem...not the porn but the lies.

i find him looking at porn insulting. him staring at naked women doing these things. to me its kind of like a guy going to a strip club. if you're single then.. *shrugs* but if you have someone then.. why would you need to do that? why is ur gf not enough? and the fact that it bothers me that much should be enough for him to stop doing it. or at least be discreet enough to the pt where i didn't know. for awhile he just went on youporn. i never said anything about it but i knew he was going on it since it always popped up when i was trying to type something in the url link that started with y. that i could put up w. b/c it was easier to ignore.

but this? it's too much. esp the pics of he had of that one particular girl.

i say he chose porn over me b/c he saw how upset i got b/c of it. he saw how much it hurt me and he looked me in the eye and promised never to do it again. but its like he just couldnt help himself. he just had to do it. so seeing how he put porn in front of my feelings. KNOWING that i would be hurt had i ever seen it.. i feel that he put it b4 me.

but yes.. you're right when you say the major problem in this situation was the lies. had he never swore up and down that it would never happen again i wouldnt be as hurt.

 

[**Tasha*Love**]

Depending on how long he has been into porn, he may just be addicted to it?

 

[SelahOco]

Has he called you? I'm gonna ask my DH for his point of view.

ETA: see below

 

[runwaydream]

Depending on how long he has been into porn, he may just be addicted to it?

i would hate to think that was the case but.. idk. ive never asked for how long he's been into it. and when i mentioned .. just slightly now mind u, that he might have a problem he got real upset and told me i was over reacting big time. so..shrugs. i had left it alone since he said he was going to stop. but idk. he just might have one

 

[SelahOco]

DH said that if it's a deal breaker for you...find someone who doesn't like porn. He said it's a losing battle with this dude...cause he likes porn and he's gonna watch it and beat off to it. You can't change that...he'll just lie to you to get you to stop yapping about it.

He said if you really are offended by it, you should move on.

He said porn is something men watch as boys...so it's not a big deal to alot of men. If he was refusing you for the porn that would be a different story. He said you're overreacting...but if you really hate porn..end the relationship.

 

[runwaydream]

Has he called you? I'm gonna ask my DH for his point of view. I don't like porn either...DH sees no problem with it.

no not yet. he gets off work at 7 30 and prob wont be home til 8 30-9. its 8 19 now. i left him a note so he doesn't kno we're broken up yet.

but yea.. pls let me know what ur DH thinks.

 

[Bint Yusef]

I think that if you dont like porn you should get with a man that does not like porn, not with a man that likes porn thinking you are going to change him.

 

[Amour]

im so sorry your going through this OP... men can be such ar$eh%les at times

I really dont know what advise to give you. The pictures of the girl and the lies is what makes it worse in my view.

I hope you are able to get your desired outcome.

Btw, were/are you engaged?

 

[runwaydream]

guess he's home now.. and so the phone calls begin...

 

[runwaydream]

I think that if you dont like porn you should get with a man that does not like porn, not with a man that likes porn thinking you are going to change him.

i didnt kno he liked porn like that. im very conservative so we didn't talk about sexual stuff that much b4 we became official. it was something we slowly worked up to. but yea if i had suspected that he was this much into it then i would never had gotten into a relationship w. him

 

[runwaydream]

im so sorry your going through this OP... men can be such ar$eh%les at times

I really dont know what advise to give you. The pictures of the girl and the lies is what makes it worse in my view.

I hope you are able to get your desired outcome.

Btw, were/are you engaged?

no we weren't engaged. we were hoping to become engaged in the future but not until i was done w. school.

but im glad you understand. its good to kno that im not the only one who thinks this is a big deal

 

[SelahOco]

He also said SO should have been honest with you and just said, "This is me." But men are conditioned to hide porn and will lie if his woman is judging him or accusing him.

This is all his opinion and he is not the spokesperson for all men...he wanted to make sure i added that.

Hope that helps.

 

[runwaydream]

DH said that if it's a deal breaker for you...find someone who doesn't like porn. He said it's a losing battle with this dude...cause he likes porn and he's gonna watch it and beat off to it. You can't change that...he'll just lie to you to get you to stop yapping about it.

He said if you really are offended by it, you should move on.

He said porn is something men watch as boys...so it's not a big deal to alot of men. If he was refusing you for the porn that would be a different story. He said you're overreacting...but if you really hate porn..end the relationship.

yea.. he's probably right. i hate hate HATE the fact that he's so into porn but what i hate more is the the fact that he lied. thats the real deal breaker.

thx for your post

 

[SelahOco]

I'm a woman who feels like your gut won't lie to you. If this does not feel right...get out of it. best of luck

 

[runwaydream]

He also said SO should have been honest with you and just said, "This is me." But men are conditioned to hide porn and will lie if his woman is judging him or accusing him.

This is all his opinion and he is not the spokesperson for all men...he wanted to make sure i added that.

Hope that helps.

it does.

lol @ he wanted to make sure you added that.

 

[runwaydream]

my gut is conflicted. lol.

 

[SelahOco]

my gut is conflicted. lol.

You dont' have to rush. He owes you a little butt kissin. Take your time.

 

[runwaydream]

8:34:50 PM): i said im sorry for leaving the image up i was browsing my pc to make space this morn and saw it before i ran out to work.... if your gonna break up with me over that.... then you couldn't have loved me

his excuse that he wrote me on AIM. my gut isn't conflicted over THAT.. its the biggest load of bullshyt i have heard in AWHILE

 

[alexstin]

He has shown you who he really is, believe him. In college, I briefly dated a guy who, after awhile, showed me a very ugly side to him. We got into a fight and it got physical. I ended up running through the dorms trying to escape this pyscho. I am so glad I didn't give him another chance. Years later, I picked up the paper and he was wanted for false imprisonment.

Porn would be a dealbreaker for me also so I completely understand your hurt. No need to make apologies for something you won't tolerate.

 

[poetist]

8:34:50 PM): i said im sorry for leaving the image up i was browsing my pc to make space this morn and saw it before i ran out to work.... if your gonna break up with me over that.... then you couldn't have loved me

his excuse that he wrote me on AIM. my gut isn't conflicted over THAT.. its the biggest load of bullshyt i have heard in AWHILE

You;re a smart girl. MANY women would try to rationalize this lame a$$ excuse. Anyhow, I feel your pain. I totally understand why you wouldnt want him to watch porn. I refuse to believe that anyone can watch porn and not at some point in time flash back to the images/acts/people while being intimate with their SO. Those images get so ingrained in your psyche. Anyhow, I think that you are doing the right thing. Good luck

 

[divya]

Move on. That is not the type of man that you want to be with now and certainly not the type to marry. Count the fact that you are seeing this now as a blessing.

Sorry that this happened to you.

 

[Bint Yusef]

i didnt kno he liked porn like that. im very conservative so we didn't talk about sexual stuff that much b4 we became official. it was something we slowly worked up to. but yea if i had suspected that he was this much into it then i would never had gotten into a relationship w. him

I considered myself conservative too while dating, but talking and doing are two different things. Many times porn is looked at as a moral/philosophical issue so imho what is wrong with throwing it in the conversation about every other moral issue? People need to talk about these things so they dont become surprises later. Your time is valuable, so you might as well put all the cards on the table early on to find out if you are truly compatible...versus wasting time and feelings on people you arent truly compatible with. IMHO, there is no reason to not know how your partner feels on dealbreaker issues, as you can see not talking about it doesnt do any good. Just some advice for future reference. I hope things work out the way you want them to.

 

[Lenee925]

I think that if you dont like porn you should get with a man that does not like porn, not with a man that likes porn thinking you are going to change him.

I didn't have to go get another man who wasn't into porn. My S.O. was borderline addicted and he threw ALL of his 300 porn dvds AWAY. Well, all except for the 3 he kept...I don't have a problem with it, but when you're addicted that's a wrap. To the OP: nothing is wrong with you. It's OK to hate porn. If you're boyfriend doesn't calm down, you can call him on it. I mean really, why the hell would someone defend something like "porn" over a lovely and devoted lady? If you have to defend it that much you gotta problem.

 

[Bint Yusef]

I didn't have to go get another man who wasn't into porn. My S.O. was borderline addicted and he threw ALL of his 300 porn dvds AWAY. Well, all except for the 3 he kept...I don't have a problem with it, but when you're addicted that's a wrap. To the OP: nothing is wrong with you. It's OK to hate porn. If you're boyfriend doesn't calm down, you can call him on it. I mean really, why the hell would someone defend something like "porn" over a lovely and devoted lady? If you have to defend it that much you gotta problem.

If playing the "change" game is something you are willing to do , more power to you. When I want something I go for what I want... not into fixer uppers.