Am I the *only* one who's becoming a bitter, old hag?! (VENT)

[Serenity_Peace]

I don't want to hear any love songs. I don't want to see people kissing in the streets. I hate chick-flicks and romantic films. I sat in Starbucks this morning and when that song "To Be Loved" came on, I nearly broke down in tears and had to storm out of there.

I can't lie: I want to be in love. I want to be love. I have so much love in my heart and soul to give to a man. I am so lonely that I could cry myself to sleep every night.

And I feel that I have paid my dues. I've waited all my life for this. Really...I've been so patient and I'm getting older. Maybe I'm feeling like I'm freaking out. I'll be 36 soon, no husband, no children. My biological clock is ticking. I know it's not politically correct to say that and I know that some of you will come back at me with: you need to be patient, what have you been doing wrong. IT'S NOT ME!!! (I think...)

I'm just so sad and depressed. I feel like I'm wasting time. And I do still battle with guilt because the guy who loves me I don't love him back at all. I simply don't love him and I feel awful that I don't. Here I am complaining that I have no one in my life. And yet this guy who would lay down his life for me, but I don't feel the same AT ALL!! I'm trying to force my feelings but they won't come. And then I start to resent him because I should be out there trying to find the right man for me and yet I'm spending time with him. I end up hating myself and feeling a tremendous amount of guilt at the same time. I am so incredibly depressed and sitting here crying in front of the computer. I desperately want a man to love me BUT I WANT TO FEEL THE SAME ABOUT HIM!!!!

I don't feel beautiful or pretty. I don't feel desirable or sexy at all. I'm tired of feeling like this and I wanna know...

WHEN WILL IT BE MY TURN, DAMMIT!! WHERE'S MY MAN??!!

Seriously, am I the *only* one who feels like this??!???

 

[Maa Maa omo mti]

I am sooooooooooo extending out a big ((HUG)) to you. I feel you on all levels. Life is just weird. But all will work out.

 

[p31woman]

Hey Serenity!

Sweetie you post sounds just like I used to sound before...well you know...I'll just say God blessed me. (I don't wanna make you feel worse)

But trust me, I remember EXACTLY how that used to feel. The only thing that kept me from crying every two seconds was that I knew God heard my cry even before a tear had to fall from my eyes. Sometimes I would just let it out to make myself feel better, other times, I was elated I was single after I heard so many bad stories from my girlfriends who were in relationships.

Everybody has their meantime patch. I started preparing myself for my mate. I read RealSimple magazine (my fav now), learned how to cook better, I even signed up for how-to- massage classes. Anything I could get involved in that would make me a better catch and let me have fun I was down for.

I started spending time doing things I enjoyed like filling the tub up with bubbles and lighting candles and turning my jazz cd's on and just relaxing in the tub with a book or none at all.

After awhile I started to like being single...and I wasn't so depressed all the time either.

 

[golden bronze]

Don't become bitter. I don't know if you pray, but I know God hears.

Enjoy your life now. Don't wait to be married to be happy. We often wait for "the next big thing" to become happy in our lives. Don't wait. A man wants a whole person.

God hears prayer. We are asked to wait with expectancy.

If the right person walked into your life right now, would you be ready for him? Honestly?

Get ready. Do everything you can to be the woman God wants you to be. When you keep your eyes on him, something amazing may happen. The person you were looking for might just walk in out of nowhere.

 

[glam-]

I seriously understand Serenity. It is hard, and it is even more complicated when you know there are nice guys out there, but you want something special- you want to feel "in love." I don't have any answers, but hang in there and know you are not the only one struggling with this. Just don't turn bitter (though I really don't think you are- you're just frustrated)

 

[classycrimson]

I totally understand where you are coming from. I'm a member of the 30+ crew...and I see this happening in many of my friends...and it was starting to be me, too. You and I live in the DC/MD/VA area, so that makes it DOUBLY hard. One thing I know I wasted lots of time with during my 20's was "meantime men". (and long distance guys, but that's a whole 'nother post) Guys who were cool...who seemed like great catches, and everyone said they were great...but I never really "felt it" for them like that. I'd try and I'd try...tricking myself...then if I got in a relationship with them, I'd feel guilty for not loving them how I should...and I could never truly be present for them like they, or any man, would need me to be. I had to stop wasting people's time...both mine and the other guys...and only date people who I really considered potential mates...and stop dilly dallying.

And it was sooo tempting to accept the dates when I was bored, wanted some attention, or just a free meal. But I had to rework my "rotation" to only include guys who I really might consider.

 

[Caramela]

I was there at the embarkation of 2007. I was through with relationships and even wanted to get my tubes tied. I figured I was too close to 30 to meet, fall in love with someone AND have kids before 30. I was disgruntle and wondering why I didn't have a worthwhile man (b/c believe me, there was always some waste of my time man there)... I was just feeling sad and alone and hopeless.
I started reading some books. In The Meantime by Iyanla Vanzant, Life's Missing Instruction Manual by Joe Vitale and The Secret. I started attending church, got baptized and saved. And started loving my life. Within weeks of that, I met my now fiance and he was also baptized and I am so blessed now.
It can happen, but you will need to change your attitude.

 

[janiebaby]

Try joining some social groups hopefully some with married women or women who are in relationships, single women are way less likely to hook you up with anyone even if they're not interested the guy. These days most people meet their husband or wife in school, work, or hookups and that's about it.

 

[Caramela]

If the right person walked into your life right now, would you be ready for him? Honestly?

Get ready. Do everything you can to be the woman God wants you to be. When you keep your eyes on him, something amazing may happen. The person you were looking for might just walk in out of nowhere.

Great point. Mine showed up at my front door. Literally. LOL

 

[gone_fishing]

I don't want to hear any love songs. I don't want to see people kissing in the streets. I hate chick-flicks and romantic films. I sat in Starbucks this morning and when that song "To Be Loved" came on, I nearly broke down in tears and had to storm out of there.

I can't lie: I want to be in love. I want to be love. I have so much love in my heart and soul to give to a man. I am so lonely that I could cry myself to sleep every night.

And I feel that I have paid my dues. I've waited all my life for this. Really...I've been so patient and I'm getting older. Maybe I'm feeling like I'm freaking out. I'll be 36 soon, no husband, no children. My biological clock is ticking. I know it's not politically correct to say that and I know that some of you will come back at me with: you need to be patient, what have you been doing wrong. IT'S NOT ME!!! (I think...)

I'm just so sad and depressed. I feel like I'm wasting time. And I do still battle with guilt because the guy who loves me I don't love him back at all. I simply don't love him and I feel awful that I don't. Here I am complaining that I have no one in my life. And yet this guy who would lay down his life for me, but I don't feel the same AT ALL!! I'm trying to force my feelings but they won't come. And then I start to resent him because I should be out there trying to find the right man for me and yet I'm spending time with him. I end up hating myself and feeling a tremendous amount of guilt at the same time. I am so incredibly depressed and sitting here crying in front of the computer. I desperately want a man to love me BUT I WANT TO FEEL THE SAME ABOUT HIM!!!!

I don't feel beautiful or pretty. I don't feel desirable or sexy at all. I'm tired of feeling like this and I wanna know...

WHEN WILL IT BE MY TURN, DAMMIT!! WHERE'S MY MAN??!!

Seriously, am I the *only* one who feels like this??!???

I have a girlfriend who is almost 40 now. She is the sweetest literally the sweetest person I have EVER met in my life - EVER!

She was 38 when she finally got married and she felt a lot like you. It came in a whirlwind for her.

She was working some place (forget where at the time) and her husband (now) came into the store and was totally head over heels for her immediately.

He came back to wear she worked every day trying to get her attention.

One day he came to her job and someone was like so n so is here to speak to you and she was like WHAT DOES HE WANT! This was funny because like I said she's sweet as pie and never raises her voice.

It was an improbably romance but a year later they married and after 3 engagements called off by her she is the happiest she has ever been and I mean they are truly happy and in love.

When she talks about it now she says that she would not have been ready for the man her husband was even a year earlier. She was still growing and maturing and she stresses that the right person coming at the wrong time is no good! That is why you have to look for God's direction on those types of things. Following His way will ensure that the right man comes at the right time.

Your turn is coming and you know what - while all your friends are getting married and arguing and divorcing and going through drama - just know that when it's your turn - your patience will pay off. Your discernment will pay off and God willing you will be with the man of your dreams SANS the drama and heartache.

There are a lot of people kissy kissy on the street that are punchy punchy and cursy cursy when they get home. Everything is not as it appears from the outside so don't dwell on the kissy faced people so much.

I have a lot of female friends that are in their current relationship just to be with someone and not happy.

Sometimes, you know even I evaluate my OWN relationship trying to make sure I'm with the right man.

I know we are all kissy faced in public and people like you probably see us but that doesn't mean things are always all roses all the time.

Keep your head up and hugs to you.

Good things come to those who wait!

 

[Determined22]

*Hugs*

I feel the same way a lot too. I'm trying to just focus on loving me, working on me, and having faith that God will send me the right man in His time.

 

[Browndilocks]

I don't want to hear any love songs. I don't want to see people kissing in the streets. I hate chick-flicks and romantic films. I sat in Starbucks this morning and when that song "To Be Loved" came on, I nearly broke down in tears and had to storm out of there.

I can't lie: I want to be in love. I want to be love. I have so much love in my heart and soul to give to a man. I am so lonely that I could cry myself to sleep every night.

And I feel that I have paid my dues. I've waited all my life for this. Really...I've been so patient and I'm getting older. Maybe I'm feeling like I'm freaking out. I'll be 36 soon, no husband, no children. My biological clock is ticking. I know it's not politically correct to say that and I know that some of you will come back at me with: you need to be patient, what have you been doing wrong. IT'S NOT ME!!! (I think...)

I'm just so sad and depressed. I feel like I'm wasting time. And I do still battle with guilt because the guy who loves me I don't love him back at all. I simply don't love him and I feel awful that I don't. Here I am complaining that I have no one in my life. And yet this guy who would lay down his life for me, but I don't feel the same AT ALL!! I'm trying to force my feelings but they won't come. And then I start to resent him because I should be out there trying to find the right man for me and yet I'm spending time with him. I end up hating myself and feeling a tremendous amount of guilt at the same time. I am so incredibly depressed and sitting here crying in front of the computer. I desperately want a man to love me BUT I WANT TO FEEL THE SAME ABOUT HIM!!!!

I don't feel beautiful or pretty. I don't feel desirable or sexy at all. I'm tired of feeling like this and I wanna know...

WHEN WILL IT BE MY TURN, DAMMIT!! WHERE'S MY MAN??!!

Seriously, am I the *only* one who feels like this??!???

I am SOOOOOO with you on this one chica. I am SOOOOO there...

Feel better.

 

[UmSumayyah]

Serenity_Peace, here is my two cents.

KICK THAT DUDE YOU DO NOT LIKE TO THE CURB!

NOW!

Are you doing him any favors by being with him and resenting him? No.
Is the time you are spending with him better spent out having fun by yourself or on dates with men with real dh potential?

YES!

You need to look for a man like you would look for a job.
Yeah you can read and work on yourself and blah blah blah (http://creoleindc.typepad.com/rantings_of_a_creole_prin/2006/08/how_to_get_and_.html )
But you also need to get serious. If you had a smart, capable friend who wanted a stimulating position at a great company, and she was working at the drugstore and watching VH-1 in all her spare time, what would you say to her?

Would you tell her that great positions fall in your lap when you least expect them, and she should just work on her typing speed in the meantime?

Or would you tell her to turn off the damn TV and start actively looking for that great job she wants?

Finding a dh is serious business and should be treated with the same amount of diligence and care that we give to finding a good job.

Hope that helps.

Now kick dude to the curb, I mean it.

 

[cocoberry10]

I’m sorry you are feeling this way! I hope you meet Mr. Right! Visit my unrequited love thread too!

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=148299

 

[Britt]

I started reading some books. In The Meantime by Iyanla Vanzant, Life's Missing Instruction Manual by Joe Vitale and The Secret. I started attending church, got baptized and saved. And started loving my life. Within weeks of that, I met my now fiance and he was also baptized and I am so blessed now.
It can happen, but you will need to change your attitude.

That's beautiful Caramela....
It's amazing how God works.

 

[Serenity_Peace]

Ladies, thank you so much for these God-filled words of encouragement. I'm in training today so I can't stay online for long but I just wanted to send along my sincerest thank you's. I know that I should just enjoy being single. And I honestly think I have. I really do love the solitude sometimes. In fact, I've read all those books, including "No More Sheets." I really do know how to be single because I haven't had the choice in that. I just look around me and people asking me "aren't you married YET." And then people looking at me, feeling sorry for me, as if something is wrong with me. It must be my fault, right? I guess that I'm just tired, frustrated, lonely and battling a lot with guilt. I really want this guy as a friend, but now I am starting to hate him. He is really starting to disgust me and I knew that this would happen. It's also not fair to him because he is a good guy, but he is reaping all the benefits of me being around him when I should be out there enjoying myself and not couped up with him all the time. And I'm starting to get resentful of him. I want to be free of this but I don't know how. I know all his friends. I know his family and everyone is so lovely and friendly. Really, these are some of the best people in the world. And he is a wonderful person. I just don't want to break him to pieces. When I told him that I'm thinking of leaving the D.C. area, his face just fell. He lost his appetite and nearly started crying. I felt like the biggest bytch ever!! And yet I'm starting to really hate him because I feel that I can't break free from him, even if I found The One tomorrow, I couldn't open myself entirely because I'd feel guilty. It's my problem and my fault. I know that I have to let this person go out of my life or things will get worse. So I know what I have to do, but I don't really know how...

 

[Crackers Phinn]

Girl, I feel ya.

I wish I had some words of wisdom or something funny to lighten the mood, but I'm in the same boat.

 

[Serenity_Peace]

Don't become bitter. I don't know if you pray, but I know God hears.

Enjoy your life now. Don't wait to be married to be happy. We often wait for "the next big thing" to become happy in our lives. Don't wait. A man wants a whole person.

God hears prayer. We are asked to wait with expectancy.

If the right person walked into your life right now, would you be ready for him? Honestly?

Get ready. Do everything you can to be the woman God wants you to be. When you keep your eyes on him, something amazing may happen. The person you were looking for might just walk in out of nowhere.

I'm seriously trying to prepare myself, but I could be doing more. Some of this is my fault for not allowing myself the freedom to get out there. I just don't know where to begin. And I wish that God would just literally send this guy to my front doorstep. In all seriousness, I'm tired of these online dating things, I don't do the bar thing, and friends can't be counted on to "hook me up." Seriously, I dream of God just allowing me to bump into The One some place: the bookstore, the market, the coffee shop. I know it's just a fantasy, but I really...just this once...for it to come true. I'm not asking for a lot of lovers. I don't want to sleep around and have NEVER done that. I just want ONE man. That's all I ask. Is that too much?

 

[Maa Maa omo mti]

Serenity_Peace, here is my two cents.

KICK THAT DUDE YOU DO NOT LIKE TO THE CURB!

NOW!

Are you doing him any favors by being with him and resenting him? No.
Is the time you are spending with him better spent out having fun by yourself or on dates with men with real dh potential?

YES!

You need to look for a man like you would look for a job.
Yeah you can read and work on yourself and blah blah blah (http://creoleindc.typepad.com/rantings_of_a_creole_prin/2006/08/how_to_get_and_.html )
But you also need to get serious. If you had a smart, capable friend who wanted a stimulating position at a great company, and she was working at the drugstore and watching VH-1 in all her spare time, what would you say to her?

Would you tell her that great positions fall in your lap when you least expect them, and she should just work on her typing speed in the meantime?

Or would you tell her to turn off the damn TV and start actively looking for that great job she wants?

Finding a dh is serious business and should be treated with the same amount of diligence and care that we give to finding a good job.

Hope that helps.

Now kick dude to the curb, I mean it.

I totally agree with this and adequate's post. I love this whole post right here!!! I always thought the same way but never really applied it like this. Great advice UmSumayyah.

Um SP check your vm....

 

[UmSumayyah]

Girl, I feel ya.

I wish I had some words of wisdom or something funny to lighten the mood, but I'm in the same boat.

You know it's bad news when we can't count on JCoily for a snappy remark.

 

[GeorginaSparks]

Im 22 and i already feel like that. there are seriously no men with substance. i have never been in love so maybe im not missing anything. i definitely dont want to die a spinster

 

[Serenity_Peace]

Ladies, it's late and I've been at work all day long. I haven't had the chance to sit down and respond to everyone. I just want to say that I LOVE ALL OF YOU DEARLY. After a terrific workout (and some guys checking me out at the gym helped as well ), I feel better. Seriously, I probably just needed to get out of this "place" that I'm in. Working out does a body, mind and spirit some good. So I'm getting home, just having spoken to Abenyo . I'm making it a point to actually go out on Friday. In fact, I'm looking for a cute outfit to wear and I'mma get my hair done or do it myself on Thursday night. Friday is my day off from the gym, so I'm looking forward to it.

@UmSumayyah: You are the earth, girl. Thank you so much for your comforting words of wisdom. I'm in a really difficult situation with this man who I don't and cannot love. I'll have to figure out how that will play out, but there is a resolution. I'm turning down all his offers for us to "hang out," instead leaving him with his friends, going out more with my own friends and trying to just enjoy my life. I think that's one of the reasons why I'm in this "place." I'm hanging out with him rather than putting myself in a position to receive my potential soulmate. Much of this is my fault and I need to rectify the situation.

@JCoily: You gotta think of sumthin' quick!

@Britt, Browndilocks and sunbasque: It's sickening to see that so many good, young women are going through the same thing. Hold ya heads up!

@Abenyo: I can't wait to see you on Friday. I'm actually really looking forward to this. Thank you for everything and call anytime.

Ladies, thank you for listening. There's not a 100% solution but it's nice to know that people out there care and you're not alone.

Love ya!

SP

ETA: By all means, continue to share if have something. It certainly helps others, not just myself.

 

[Serenity_Peace]

Hey Serenity!

Sweetie you post sounds just like I used to sound before...well you know...I'll just say God blessed me. (I don't wanna make you feel worse)

But trust me, I remember EXACTLY how that used to feel. The only thing that kept me from crying every two seconds was that I knew God heard my cry even before a tear had to fall from my eyes. Sometimes I would just let it out to make myself feel better, other times, I was elated I was single after I heard so many bad stories from my girlfriends who were in relationships.

Everybody has their meantime patch. I started preparing myself for my mate. I read RealSimple magazine (my fav now), learned how to cook better, I even signed up for how-to- massage classes. Anything I could get involved in that would make me a better catch and let me have fun I was down for.

I started spending time doing things I enjoyed like filling the tub up with bubbles and lighting candles and turning my jazz cd's on and just relaxing in the tub with a book or none at all.

After awhile I started to like being single...and I wasn't so depressed all the time either.

Yes. Thank you. It certainly does help to take time out for you. I've been doing all of that which you have suggested and more. I really feel that I found peace and happiness in my singleness years ago. But I just also feel like the wait has been so long. I've always been patient. Always in prayer. Always asking God for this. It's difficult when you feel that you have done everything right and by the book. It does help though. I spend so much time with myself, mainly in solitude. Taking long runs or walks really helps as well. And music is my life. Music and books.

 

[Serenity_Peace]

Try joining some social groups hopefully some with married women or women who are in relationships, single women are way less likely to hook you up with anyone even if they're not interested the guy. These days most people meet their husband or wife in school, work, or hookups and that's about it.

This is great advice. I might look into this. I am very active in politics and used to be a member of a running group. But I will look into other groups as well.

 

[Serenity_Peace]

I have a girlfriend who is almost 40 now. She is the sweetest literally the sweetest person I have EVER met in my life - EVER!

She was 38 when she finally got married and she felt a lot like you. It came in a whirlwind for her.

She was working some place (forget where at the time) and her husband (now) came into the store and was totally head over heels for her immediately.

He came back to wear she worked every day trying to get her attention.

One day he came to her job and someone was like so n so is here to speak to you and she was like WHAT DOES HE WANT! This was funny because like I said she's sweet as pie and never raises her voice.

It was an improbably romance but a year later they married and after 3 engagements called off by her she is the happiest she has ever been and I mean they are truly happy and in love.

When she talks about it now she says that she would not have been ready for the man her husband was even a year earlier. She was still growing and maturing and she stresses that the right person coming at the wrong time is no good! That is why you have to look for God's direction on those types of things. Following His way will ensure that the right man comes at the right time.

Your turn is coming and you know what - while all your friends are getting married and arguing and divorcing and going through drama - just know that when it's your turn - your patience will pay off. Your discernment will pay off and God willing you will be with the man of your dreams SANS the drama and heartache.

There are a lot of people kissy kissy on the street that are punchy punchy and cursy cursy when they get home. Everything is not as it appears from the outside so don't dwell on the kissy faced people so much.

I have a lot of female friends that are in their current relationship just to be with someone and not happy.

Sometimes, you know even I evaluate my OWN relationship trying to make sure I'm with the right man.

I know we are all kissy faced in public and people like you probably see us but that doesn't mean things are always all roses all the time.

Keep your head up and hugs to you.

Good things come to those who wait!

I hope you're right. And the wait won't be too much longer. I really think that I may want a child someday. Thank you so much for this very uplifting story. It really made my day and I feel much better this evening. I often do thank God that I'm single as I see my mother and girlfriends go through so much with men. It does make me feel thankful that God has spared me the pain, if only temporarily. Still, it'd be nice to come home to someone who loves me and I love him back. It just would be nice. But I will continue to wait my turn, like I've always done. In the meantime, I'll keep trying to enjoy my life. I have to make some changes I suppose and rectify this situation I'm in, but I am confident that it'll be resolved in due time. Thank you again for sharing this story .

 

[CurliDiva]

I've noticed that Many don't even talk about relationships or falling in love any more - like it is out of style. Yes we are all strong and capable women, but WANTING a man (correction a quality man), love, and marriage is not taboo.

I'm personally getting tired of hanging out with my girlfriends! They're great but I want that male/female spark!

 

[Serenity_Peace]

I've noticed that Many don't even talk about relationships or falling in love any more - like it is out of style. Yes we are all strong and capable women, but WANTING a man (correction a quality man), love, and marriage is not taboo.

I'm personally getting tired of hanging out with my girlfriends! They're great but I want that male/female spark!

I hope you'll join us on Friday, then. We are going to try and jumpstart that spark for ya! We are going where only da menses is! (Hopefully somewhere nice, professional and clean.)

 

[UmSumayyah]

Have a good time.
One more word of advice: do not stay together the entire time. Every so often, get up by yourself to get another soda, etc. And don't walk to quickly and too purposefully to get it, either. It's less intimidating for a man to approach a woman alone than in a group.
HTH.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

Everybody has their meantime patch. I started preparing myself for my mate. I read RealSimple magazine (my fav now), learned how to cook better, I even signed up for how-to- massage classes. Anything I could get involved in that would make me a better catch and let me have fun I was down for.

This is me now. I'm moving into my preparation phase. (I LOVE Real Simple BTW!) Cleaning out my closet literally and metaphorically. I'm also going to start the "Calling in the One" book to get rid of my emotional clutter.

 

[UmSumayyah]

I'll be expecting some updates in the morning.